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Bevchenko
07-03-12, 08:58 PM
In January this year, the follow joke was voted the "funniest joke" of all time..


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?

Personally, I think that is absolute shit!

Let's beat this, hit me with your favourites...

Erkifino
07-03-12, 09:22 PM
Leverkusen in the CL!

Dermotron
07-03-12, 09:43 PM
Harold Shipman would have been the perfect choice for the next Chelsea manager.

He's good at getting rid of all the old cunts and everyone in Manchester is shit scared of him.

Dermotron
07-03-12, 09:44 PM
In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.

In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.

Dermotron
07-03-12, 09:44 PM
Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give women unrealistic expectations about what to expect from men.

Porn has the same effect on men.

Bevchenko
07-03-12, 09:53 PM
Knock knock.......

Knock knock.......

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock....

Hurry up Whitney, I need a shit.

Fods
08-03-12, 11:46 PM
Whats Brown & Rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre...

Fods
08-03-12, 11:47 PM
A Vicar books into a Hotel and says to the clerk
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
She says "No sir, it's just regular porn, you sick bastard"

Cafcjgreen
08-03-12, 11:53 PM
:lol:

Bevchenko
09-03-12, 07:58 AM
Brilliant!

Fods
09-03-12, 11:14 AM
Two geeks were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate?" says the first guy "Yesterday I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar".

"What did you do?" says the other guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off".

"You're kidding me!" says the second guy.

"No way! I took her miniskirt off, then her bra and her panties. Then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop".

"Really? You got a new laptop?"

Dubinho
11-03-12, 10:30 AM
Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their flaps.

So now when the guy goes down he can have a bevvy as well.

However, anti-drink campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking!

Dubinho
11-03-12, 10:34 AM
Mad Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by Crazy Carl.

"Licence please" said Carl.

Mary sped off around the corner and bumped into Loony Leon.

"Insurance please" said Leon.

Off zoomed Mary again until she was stopped by Donkey Dave, naked with an eight inch hard on.

"OH NO" said Mary "Not the fucking breathalizer again!"

Bevchenko
11-03-12, 10:39 AM
A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

Dubinho
11-03-12, 10:44 AM
I always drive down to the pub and after a lengthy session I do the responsible thing and leave the car in the car park and take the bus home.

The only problem is, I have trouble parking the bus on my drive.

Dubinho
11-03-12, 10:49 AM
The Jeremy Kyle 12 days of Christmas

12 cans of Carling
11 DNA tests
10 dads to choose from
9 teeth between them
8 squeezed in tracksuits
7 stinking smackrats
6 dunlop trainers
5 stolen rings
4 fat slags
3 ugly twats
2 timing cunts

and a wanker who parades them on T.V

Dubinho
11-03-12, 10:51 AM
They say a woman's fanny is like a shed roof!

If you don't nail it hard enough it will probably end up next door!

Bevchenko
11-03-12, 10:52 AM
My brother has just set fire to one of my Mr Men books.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

Dubinho
11-03-12, 10:56 AM
My wife climbed on my lap facing me on the sofa last night.

"Mmmm....is that a bone I can feel?" She winked

"Yeah" I said "It's the one that's snapped in my leg you fat cunt"

Dubinho
11-03-12, 11:02 AM
Ali G went to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what are you supposed to be?" asks the host

"I iz a snail" replied Ali G

"How can you be a snail when all you got is a naked girl on your back?" said the host

Ali replied "Dat iz Michelle"

Dubinho
11-03-12, 11:06 AM
Man meets woman in a bar, buys her a drink but while talking to her, he keeps looking at his watch. She asks why.

"It's a new dating watch, it gives me information about you"

"Like what?" she says

"It says you have no knickers on"

"It's wrong" she says

"I know" he replies, "it's an hour fast"

Dubinho
11-03-12, 11:19 AM
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.

I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!

You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Dubinho
11-03-12, 08:17 PM
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the
surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot
willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his
blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his
blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a
box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again,
that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a
thank-you card & a box of Quality Street ."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma
veins".

klosec12
16-03-12, 06:54 AM
9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

Goofy
17-03-12, 02:26 PM
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.

"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.

"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.

"No" I replied, "The cunt was delivering my pizza."

Goofy
17-03-12, 02:29 PM
My wife told me that she is sick to death of me waltzing in at 3am every weekend.

So when i came this morning i did the tango instead.

Goofy
17-03-12, 02:30 PM
My home-made nuclear bomb failed to detonate earlier...

Oh well... It's not the end of the world.

Goofy
17-03-12, 02:31 PM
Mr Di Matteo, what are your tactics for the Benfica tie?

Not sure, Terry hasn't told me yet

Goofy
17-03-12, 02:33 PM
I felt shit this morning...... Thats the Last time I buy Tescos own brand toilet roll.

Goofy
17-03-12, 02:40 PM
How many alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

Goofy
17-03-12, 02:45 PM
My wife's away tonight so i've organised an orgy.

Or, a sleepover as my daughter calls it

Goofy
17-03-12, 02:46 PM
My sons Headmaster rang me today and said, "I thought you should know, Johnny constantly swears in his lessons. And we're not prepared to put up with it any longer."

I said, "The little cunt gets it from his fucking mother."

Fods
18-03-12, 12:33 AM
:lol:

Dermotron
27-03-12, 08:07 PM
A guy notices a gorgeous woman giving him the eye in the supermarket."Do I know you ?" he asks. "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?" she says.He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithfull and asks , "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table in 2006 , while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery whilst shoving that massive cucumber up my arse?"She stairs at him and says "No , i'm your daughters teacher"

Fods
29-03-12, 12:14 AM
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's why I shot him, the little bastard.

Dermotron
30-03-12, 03:36 PM
I filled up the car with petrol then headed into pay with a giant condom on my head. "What on earth are you doing sir." Asked the cashier. "Oh this." I replied pointing to the condom, "My mum always told me to make sure I wear one while I'm being fucked."

Dermotron
02-04-12, 06:53 PM
What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Dermotron
02-04-12, 06:53 PM
A family take Granny to a nursing home. The nurses sit her in a chair by the window. She slowly starts to lean over to one side. Two attentive nurses straighten her up. She starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. The family arrive and ask "Are they treating you alright?", "Its pretty nice" Granny replies, "except the bastards won't let you fart!"

Dermotron
02-04-12, 06:55 PM
WOMENS LONELY HEARTS ADS
What they really mean:

ADVENTUROUS = Slut
ATHLETIC = No tits
30 SOMETHING = 41
FUN = Annoying
WILD = Gets pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a fucking nutter
NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny
HEADSTRONG = Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic
CURVY = Fat bitch
CUDDLY = Fat bitch
LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat bitch
LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat bitch

swedishcmgod
02-04-12, 08:01 PM
What's the difference between a brick and a ginger?

The brick gets laid.

swedishcmgod
02-04-12, 08:54 PM
What's the difference between football and a ginger?

Football has a soul.

Jesus
03-04-12, 01:11 PM
My girlfriend can't stand the sight of me and wants to split up.

But I insist on staying with her siamese twin.

Jesus
03-04-12, 01:12 PM
Today I joined The Pessimists Society.

Where we all agree to disagree.

Jesus
03-04-12, 01:13 PM
Rihanna: "Chains and whips exite me"

Somehow I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

Jesus
03-04-12, 01:14 PM
"Which?" are giving out Katie Price's new book about her son for free..

Ironically it's titled "How To Grow Your Own Vegetable"

Haniel
04-04-12, 07:54 PM
Hey Guys ! Hitler on Tv

- which canal ?

National Geographic

:rofl:

.....
i made it myslef

Patinoz
04-04-12, 07:55 PM
and i dont get it

Fods
05-04-12, 05:35 AM
:confused:

Haniel
05-04-12, 06:37 AM
come on , this joke is for intelligent peoples

Fods
05-04-12, 07:53 AM
canal? do you mean Channel or cable?

Dermotron
05-04-12, 09:15 AM
What's 9 inches long and dangles round the back of a cunt?...Andy Carroll's pony tail!

Haniel
05-04-12, 11:56 AM
canal? do you mean Channel or cable?

yes canal, the synonim of channel , to mean Hitler... you know whats happen, and what was of his idea

and to see next side , he may not die, and he run away through the world :-)

a two sides :ok:

Patinoz
05-04-12, 12:02 PM
:rofl:

now i got it, awesome Haniel






























NOT! :facepalm:

Fods
05-04-12, 12:05 PM
Now it make sense .......

wato20
05-04-12, 12:17 PM
Hey Guys ! Hitler on Tv

- which canal ?

National Geographic

:rofl:

.....
i made it myslef

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_03iKBFRGpCQ/TMDfkMP-OnI/AAAAAAAAGxM/8ebmOj6BhBA/s1600/funny-kid-tells-joke-to-dog.jpg

Haniel
05-04-12, 12:24 PM
:slap:

:)

Dubinho
07-04-12, 10:03 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

How much is that?

"It's on the house!" says the barman

Surprised, the guy then orders a steak from the menu and hands the barman the cash. The barman shakes his head and tells him it's 'on the house' again.

"Why's everything free?" the guy asks perplexed "Does the owner know about this? Where is he?"

"He's upstairs with my wife" explained the barman

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

"The same thing I’m doing to his business down here"

WelshRed
07-04-12, 11:21 PM
:rofl:

Class!

ebfatz
10-04-12, 12:23 AM
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

swedishcmgod
10-04-12, 01:23 AM
and i dont get it

Hitler was an animal? Not that hard to understand, but not that funny either :ok:

klosec12
10-04-12, 02:38 AM
Hitler was an animal?

http://www.tvgasm.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/37-Hitler-was-a-monster-300x251.jpg

Taken off Grimm :lol:

Janis89
27-04-12, 12:03 PM
Did you hear about the new French tank?

Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.

Janis89
27-04-12, 11:36 PM
Steal a heart and you’re a romantic, but steal a kidney and suddenly you’re a criminal.

djole2mcloud
28-04-12, 07:10 AM
Jew and Scottish guy made a 1$ bet who can stay longer under water...They both drown...

BeezerCeltic1967
29-04-12, 07:07 AM
Dearly beloved. Today we gather in this holy place to mourn. The relationship known as the 'Old Firm' which first began in 1888 and became a marriage of convenience in 1904 will end on 29th April 2012. Their years together have been difficult and tempestous. None of the years together were happy but never a year went by where one would attempt to live without the other. Soon for one the day of judgement will come. Today as we commit the body to the ground, forgive them their debts as they boycott their debtors, Sashes to Ashes, Dust to Bust, and know that there will be a resurrection of the body and a return to eternal strife. Amen.

:lol:

Dermotron
30-04-12, 02:20 PM
A man's in hospital with 60 degree burns.
The doctor says to nurse:'Give him two Viagra'.
Nurse queries 'Do you think that will help his burns?'
Doctor replies:'No - but it'll keep the sheets off his legs'

Dermotron
30-04-12, 02:35 PM
Karma sutra position number 52 - The Pirate:
When going at it doggy style spit on her back so she thinks you have ejaculated.
When she turns round blast her in the face, known as The Pirate, because she will put one hand over her eye and shout ARRRRGHHHHHH

djole2mcloud
30-04-12, 03:51 PM
What are the 70 things every woman should know before marriage? 69 and to cook...

Cam F
02-05-12, 07:45 AM
I'm taking my Bon Jovi sat-nav back to the shop.

It keeps telling me I'm halfway there.

Cam F
04-05-12, 01:36 PM
Just found out my mate died, overdosed on indigestion medicine.

I can't believe it - Gav is gone!

Dermotron
04-05-12, 01:44 PM
Oh no Cam!!

Dermotron
04-05-12, 01:45 PM
A horny fat wife puts on stockings suspenders high heels and a cape.
She bursts into the bedroom and shouts to her husband "SUPERPUSSY"
The husband looks up and says "I'll have the soup"

Dubinho
06-05-12, 06:39 PM
Psychiatrist conducting group session with 4 young mums & their kids.

"You all have obsessions," he observes.

He says to 1st mum "You're obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

Turns to 2nd mum "Your obsession is money. It shows in your childs name, Penny."

Turns to 3rd mum "Your obsession is alcohol. Your child's name, Brandy."

The 4th mum quietly gets up and whispers to her son. "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea, lets go pick Willie & Nobby up"

Dubinho
06-05-12, 10:12 PM
What's the difference between Emille Heskey & a constipated owl?

One shoot's but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit!

Dubinho
06-05-12, 10:17 PM
What do you say to Iain Dowie when he's got a good looking woman on his arm?

Nice tattoo.

Dubinho
06-05-12, 10:22 PM
A pikey is trapped on a remote desert island with a sheep and a dog. Soon, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the pikey. However, whenever he approaches a sheep the dog growls in a threatening manner.

The pikey takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The pikey ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.

By now, the pikey is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.

She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The pikey thinks for a moment and then responds, "Could you take the dog for a walk?

Dubinho
07-05-12, 01:58 PM
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Dubinho
07-05-12, 02:06 PM
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We
have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain
from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the
Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was
crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain
from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use
of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was
unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the
Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my
way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate
sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both
drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this
means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at
Homebase, either'

Dubinho
07-05-12, 02:14 PM
Bloke goes to a brothel.

''How much do you charge for total humiliation?'' he asks

The Madam replies £42.50

The bloke is clearly pleased at the price given and enquires further ''wow that sounds like a bargain, what exactly do I get for that?''

''A replica Rangers shirt to walk around in'', she replies

Dubinho
07-05-12, 02:17 PM
Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!”

The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny fucker you!”

Guy replies “No seriously, the football starts in 2 minutes... fuck off upstairs!”

Dubinho
07-05-12, 02:27 PM
An englishman,scotsman,welshman,irishman,frenchman, spaniard,swiss, norwegian,dane,german,austrian,canadian,american,
brazilian,chinese, japanese,australian,indian,pakistani,iraqi,afgan,
eskimo and a cuban walk into a pub.

The barman says "sorry guys, you can't come in here without a Thai".

Dubinho
07-05-12, 02:32 PM
Just been offered a new job by some bloke in the pub £900 per week
working for the British Brittle Bones Society. Did I take it? Bloody right I did,
I snapped his hand off!

Dubinho
07-05-12, 02:35 PM
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

ebfatz
14-05-12, 06:36 PM
How do you put a cork back in a champagne bottle?

Ask a Man United fan.

Dermotron
14-05-12, 07:17 PM
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning," Windows frozen!" ......
Husband replies,"Well,try pouring some warm water on it" ....
Wife texts back,"Computer screen is totally knackered now!!"

strider
15-05-12, 02:19 PM
Watching the Women's World Cup reminded me of when I was first learning the controls to FIFA.

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I bumped into Sian Massey in the street today. I said, "Are you aware of the uproar caused after you officiated at the Liverpool v Wolves game? I mean, two Sky Sports pundits were..."

"Yeah yeah," she interrupted. "Tell me something I don't know."

So I explained the offside rule.

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John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012.

So he's free to lead his country into Poland.

Just like his hero did.

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BBC SPORT: Kilmarnock interested in Belgian defender Mark de Man.

Apparently, they are also interested in his compatriots, striker Skor de Gaulle and goalkeeper Bloek de Schott.

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Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.

"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together," said Fabrice.

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A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went out and bought FIFA the other day.

It's great being the president of Qatar.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BBC News: England Women not expected to win the World Cup

Oh well, back to the chopping board.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

England players: protect yourself from Emile Heskey by disguising yourself as a goal.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mancini's men win the Premier League.

Well paid, City. Well paid.

strider
17-05-12, 01:33 PM
After Stewart Downing's inclusion in the England squad, I think they should name a street in his honour, where all people who are shit at their jobs and got selected when no-one wants them should live. Hang on...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pep Guardiola has been linked with the vacant Liverpool manager's job.

Well, he did say he needs a break from football.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Having neither scored nor created any goals in the premier league this season, you can imagine my surprise at not being called up for the England squad this summer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations Stewart Downing on winning a free holiday for 4 weeks to Poland and Ukraine courtesy of the FA.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liverpool fans have always thought of Kenny Dalglish as one of their own.

It's a bond that's guaranteed to grow even stronger now he's unemployed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joey Barton says that he will fight F.A. ban..

Is there anything he won't fight?.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After hearing Roy Hodgson's squad announcement, Duran Duran are to re-release one of their songs for the England football team.

"His name is Rio and he watches from the stand."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kenny Dalglish - Worst 'pool manager since Michael Barrymore

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Players selected for the Euros can't compete in the Olympics.

I guess that rules out Andy Carroll for Show Jumping then.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bet Stewart Downing is absolutely gutted today.

He spends the entire season playing incredibly shit to get a long summer holiday and then this happens.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Not football related, but this seriously cracked me up)

After I've finished masturbating, I like to sit on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.

Fods
17-05-12, 01:36 PM
Dont get why the last one was funny but the rest were ok ;)

strider
17-05-12, 01:42 PM
I dunno why either, the image of it just cracked me up..

wato20
17-05-12, 02:18 PM
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSA38AzXgkesV1zKS0FlwnN4lCK_NjRE fui_jMl8WDDqugmjO9CsQ

EL-TOPPO
17-05-12, 02:37 PM
Not so much a joke but here goes anyway....

All the kings horses and all the kings men, won more in one season than moyes did in ten! :D

strider
18-05-12, 05:41 PM
In hindsight John Terry must be quite pleased that he's banned from the Champions League final.

It gave him more time to concentrate on choosing Roy Hodgson's squad for the Euros.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael Owen has said there are several factors to think about when choosing his next club, and he will give these due consideration during his holiday.
If I were him I'd chat to Brian at B&Q, he was really helpful when I was picking a bench last summer.

Dubinho
20-05-12, 11:32 AM
The English F.A. Have confirmed that Duran Duran will release the official Euro 2012 song this year its called.....

"His name is Rio and he watches from the stand"

Dermotron
20-05-12, 09:43 PM
Latest sports news: Chelsea fans signed a new contract this morning keeping them at Stamford Bridge for another year after being strongly linked with Manchester City...

Dermotron
20-05-12, 09:45 PM
A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much." The doctor says, "Pop up on the couch and remove your pants." He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?"She replies, "Fucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear."

Dermotron
23-05-12, 06:53 PM
Supporting the England football team in big competitions is just like sex.An unnessary amount of hype is created for something that will enevitably end prematurely.

EL-TOPPO
23-05-12, 08:01 PM
Can't believe Joey Barton got a 12 match ban for trying to give Carlos Tevez long overdue facial reconstructive surgery!

EL-TOPPO
26-05-12, 05:14 PM
Didier Drogba's decision to leave Chelsea has resulted in the club releasing 4 medical staff, 2 stretcher bearers and a drama teacher

Dermotron
09-06-12, 09:16 AM
bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

Dermotron
12-07-12, 12:11 PM
The higgs boson(God particle) walked into church, and the priest said to him, the higgs boson is not allowed in here.

Higgs boson replied: But without me, there'd be no mass.

ebfatz
12-07-12, 06:00 PM
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe.













She was tiny and she stank.

Dubinho
14-07-12, 04:28 PM
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,strokes her cheek,looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

Dermotron
17-07-12, 12:35 AM
I got banned from Waterstones today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' shelf.

Scooterfan
18-07-12, 05:34 PM
50 Shades of Andy Gray :lol: - https://twitter.com/50SOAndyGray


He wrenches her thong off. He notices her yeast wallet is completely shaven, it looks like Ross Kemp yawning. “That’s a clear cut chance!”


After her first time, she picks up her first used condom. He snatches it off her, hurling it out of the open window. “You don’t save those!”


"How will you do me?" she asks "Doggy? Missionary? Cowgirl?" She begs, craving his answer. He responds confidently, "The Makelele position"


She lay trembling, no one had ever screwed her like that. He lay over her panting body & looked at his throbbing sword "take a bow, son."


:lol:

Dermotron
24-07-12, 06:11 PM
The misses left me a note on the telly for me it said "Its not working, I'm leaving"


I plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it the silly cow.

Dermotron
24-07-12, 06:12 PM
Policeman just pulled me over on the motorway.
He came to the window and said "papers".
So I replied "scissors, I win" and drove off.
He must want a rematch cos he's been fucking chasing me for miles now.

Dermotron
24-07-12, 06:12 PM
I called Babestation last night. The girl said "Hi darling, what can I do for you?".

"Fucking hide", I said. "The misses is coming down the stairs and I can't find the remote!".

wato20
01-08-12, 04:55 PM
Chinese girl swimming in finals today is expected to smash the world record by 10 seconds. Che Ting Twat said she is very optimistic


How do you make a Gay man shag a woman?
Shit in her Cunt...

WelshRed
02-08-12, 12:58 AM
I'm the type of bloke who likes to read while having a shit.

It no wonder I'm banned from waterstones..

Redknapp69
02-08-12, 01:20 AM
Some crackers here :)

Dermotron
02-08-12, 12:35 PM
The Chinese are Unbeatable in the Olympic pool. They have Improved greatly since Morecambe Bay 2004...

Fods
02-08-12, 12:49 PM
ouch :lol:

Dermotron
03-08-12, 06:09 PM
This morning, I was watching the female athletes on the TV. Unfortunately, I now have a bad case of Ennis Elbow.

ebfatz
16-08-12, 05:16 PM
BREAKING NEWS

Robin van Persie's London apartment is on fire.

Police suspect Arsene.

ebfatz
17-08-12, 04:42 PM
WALLET SCAM WARNING!

In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and suck you off while the other attempts to steal your wallet!

I had mine stolen last Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!

EL-TOPPO
19-08-12, 03:25 PM
WARNING...DO NOT READ WHILE EATING OR DRINKING!!!

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)
Thank you @

Goofy
19-08-12, 04:09 PM
:lol: Yeah, theres a ton of those kind of review on amazon, some real crackers!

Goofy
19-08-12, 04:10 PM
http://img600.imageshack.us/img600/7997/easycapture1h.png (http://img600.imageshack.us/i/easycapture1h.png/)

Goofy
19-08-12, 04:19 PM
I'm not saying my cock is huge........ but when I'm watching online porn the pop-up ads are about penis reduction.

Goofy
19-08-12, 04:21 PM
"He's an Elmo" said grandma about my latest boyfriend. She gets so confused at 91.

"You mean Emo... you know - lank hair, pale skin, black clothes, goth taste in music?" I suggested.

"No, Elmo" she said "he's a fucking muppet".

Goofy
19-08-12, 04:21 PM
The Olympics have completely changed the perception of Britain on the world stage.

Two weeks ago the world thought we were shit at sport but great at music...

Goofy
19-08-12, 04:29 PM
My wife asked me the other day, "Does thinking about having sex with other girls make you sick?"

I said, "It makes my penis sick, if that counts."

Goofy
19-08-12, 04:34 PM
I was watching a woman breast feed her baby earlier. It's amazing to watch nature at its most beautiful when a mother can provide the nutrients for her child and create such an incredible bond at the same time.

That and she had her tit out.

Goofy
19-08-12, 04:40 PM
I've heard some sympathy stories on X Factor but this one definitely got my vote...

'I nearly didn't come, but it was my dying brother's wish to enter me.'

ebfatz
25-08-12, 09:37 PM
After Lance and now Neil it's been a bad week for Armstrong's.

Stretch better have his wits about him!

ozRooster
28-08-12, 12:47 PM
Old, but funny...

Bob receives a free corporate ticket to the FA Cup Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realises the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.
About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows up from the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way down the stands to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the elderly gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?” The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1962.”
“Well, that’s really sad, I'm so sorry.” says Bob, “Still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative, a close friend?”
“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

Dermotron
04-09-12, 01:11 PM
Me, "Excuse me mate, How do you get to the City of Manchester Stadium?..

Local "That's easy...Just have a few good seasons for Arsenal".

Dermotron
04-09-12, 01:12 PM
Paralympic update: 4 dead in the epileptic clay pigeon shooting competition.

Dermotron
04-09-12, 01:14 PM
Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last years London riots, your 1yr manufacturers warranty runs out soon

Dermotron
04-09-12, 01:20 PM
I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.

She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear, but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.

"What the fuck is that pathetic little thing?" she demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"

"I'm sorry, Adele," I replied, "it's the biggest fridge I could afford."

Dermotron
04-09-12, 01:21 PM
Man says to woman in a bar,"You're like my little toe"

"Why? Because I'm small and cute?"

"No, cos I'm gonna end up banging you on the coffee table"

Fods
10-10-12, 01:02 PM
I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. After a few minutes I said to him "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fock you ask me dat?... Is coz I look Chinee?" No, I said. "It's because you're drinking my beer, you slant eyed little cocksucker".

Fods
10-10-12, 01:03 PM
The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said she thought the romance had gone out of our marriage. I wish she wouldn't disturb me when I'm having a wank.

Fods
10-10-12, 01:03 PM
The girlfriend told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

Dermotron
11-10-12, 08:33 PM
Just made the mistake of asking my girlfriend to sit on my face in a Sean Connery accent!!

ebfatz
13-10-12, 10:16 PM
The latest FIFA Rankings have just been announced.
Scotland have been overtaken by that island Tom Hanks was stranded on in Castaway!

Cam F
13-10-12, 10:26 PM
"The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then."


BREAKING NEWS : A gang of dyslexic vigilantes have just beaten up Jimmy Somerville

BREAKING NEWS : More scandal at BBC headquarters as Rod Hull has been charged with fisting a young bird.

Dont fancy one if those Jimmy Saville tracksuits...its normal size tops but you need to squeeze into child size bottoms!!

What do Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Saville have in common ?

They both shafted minors in the 1980's............

Dear Jim,

Please could you fix it for the girl in my class who I really fancy to come on holiday with me ?

Yours sincerely

Jeremy Forest aged 30

Jimmy Savilles last request was for his ashes to be put into an Etch-a-Sketch so that kids could continue to fiddle with his knob

When will these Jimmy Savile allegations ever end? Police are now saying that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.

Jimmy Saville's family have removed his headstone out of respect for the public. So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it... Just what Jimmy would have wanted.

ebfatz
14-10-12, 08:44 PM
Top 5 trending topics on twitter are #livejump #edgeofspace #FelixBaumgartner #RedBullStrattos and #LuisSuarez.
Think it has something to so with diving !!!!!

EL-TOPPO
14-10-12, 09:10 PM
Well it's official, Austrian felix has now broken the world record of fastest free fall and fastest downward plummet beating the previous holders Glasgow rangers who plummeted 4 divisions in less than 5 mins..

Fods
15-10-12, 10:31 AM
just saw Rolf Harris in tesco. I said didn't you do 2 little boys in the70's he said fuck off that was jimmy savile”"

djole2mcloud
15-10-12, 01:10 PM
Two Englishman's hijacked a German girl and started to rape her...She started to shout:Nein,Nein...!!!
so they call seven more guys... :-)

ebfatz
15-10-12, 01:56 PM
Further disturbing news from the BBC...

Children's television presenter Edd The Duck was regularly abused in the broom cupboard. At times he had an entire hand up his arse. His mangled squawking was ill perceived as comedy slapstick. If only we knew then what we know now...

Aula
15-10-12, 06:43 PM
Two Englishman's hijacked a German girl and started to rape her...She started to shout:Nein,Nein...!!!
so they call seven more guys... :-)

So random :lol:

djole2mcloud
15-10-12, 10:20 PM
Gipsy went to a hospital because of pain in his ears...Doctor asked him:What about simptoms?
Gipsy replied:Simptoms?Simptoms are great,specially Homer and Bart...!! :-)

EL-TOPPO
16-10-12, 04:33 PM
What to do on an aircraft if the passenger next to you is irritating you.

1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your
Gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site

http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8- Observe the facial expression of your neighbouring passenger.
The End!!!!

ebfatz
17-10-12, 09:28 AM
On the M25, it's pissing it down with rain and there's a Polish Car in front of me with the sunroof open........what a twat!!!
Says he'll re-assess the situation in about an hour.

Dermotron
17-10-12, 09:32 AM
I feel really sorry for all those Polish fans having to make the long trip from England to see the game, just for it to be called off.

Dermotron
22-10-12, 07:07 PM
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Dermotron
24-10-12, 06:48 PM
I was the examiner for a busty blonde girl on her driving test this morning... "I'm not the best driver," she smiled as she lubed up one of her hands, "but maybe I could do a little something for you, if you know what I mean?" "I've never been so insulted," I frowned. "I'm sorry," she cried, "I just thought..." "I know what you just thought," I said unzipping my trousers, "but you're going to need two lubed hands for this bad boy."

316'sRegen
24-10-12, 08:08 PM
Paddy says to Seamus that he is looking to sell his old car but is having trouble shifting it because of the amount of milage on her.
"there's 98,000 miles on the clock, bai bejeasus"
Seamus suggest an old trick of turning back the clock and Paddy is intrigued.

A week later Seamus sees Paddy again at the bar and asks "Well did you get her shipped on then, so?"
Paddy looks at him straight faced and says:
"Sure why would I wanna sell her hai? There'sonly 12,000 miles on 'er!"

:lol:

Dermotron
07-11-12, 10:08 AM
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

http://www.handtomouth.co.uk/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/queen.jpg

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

ebfatz
07-11-12, 11:21 AM
Genius!

ebfatz
07-11-12, 03:56 PM
Just heard about Romney losing the presidential election.

What a plonker.

Del Boy and Grandad will be gutted.

Erkifino
10-11-12, 11:13 AM
It's a bit of read:
http://www.27bslash6.com/halogen.html

Fods
10-11-12, 11:40 AM
I woke up during Halloween night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the end of my bed.
At first i was afraid.
Then i was Petrified

ebfatz
10-11-12, 11:41 AM
That's brilliant.

I love exchanges like that!

ebfatz
11-11-12, 12:35 AM
I was playing Champ Man on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job.

I knew it was a shit squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to CM.

:lol:

Patinoz
11-11-12, 12:42 AM
It's a bit of read:
http://www.27bslash6.com/halogen.html

read most of his stuff on the website a while ago. some of it is brilliant.

Dermotron
12-11-12, 06:17 PM
Thieves have stolen 20 cases of red bull from our local shop.

I don't know how these people sleep at night.

Erkifino
12-11-12, 10:19 PM
I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."

ebfatz
20-11-12, 09:52 AM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an a**eh*** . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.
So Mary called him a W***er. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.

Mick
20-11-12, 09:58 AM
Weather report on the telly says it's that cold in Sunderland the makems have been seen with their hands in their OWN pockets !

Fods
21-11-12, 12:49 AM
My girlfriend says she is leaving me because of my obsession with football

I said on loan or transfer

Aula
21-11-12, 11:55 AM
On bosman ruling :D

Aula
21-11-12, 12:01 PM
-This is police open the door
... What do you want?
-Only to talk
...How many of you are there?
-Two
...Then talk to each other

Supervale
21-11-12, 06:35 PM
Liverpool's last three managers have been an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman. No wonder the club is a "joke"!

ebfatz
27-11-12, 06:35 PM
I just bet on three horses called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times, and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

WelshRed
27-11-12, 09:21 PM
I am having that for Facebook! Haha!

Fods
27-11-12, 09:30 PM
Me too :ok:

Erkifino
03-12-12, 11:44 PM
Here's one for goof

The missus asked what I was doing on the computer. I said I was looking for cheap flights........she got all excited, which is strange as she's never shown any interest in darts before

Erkifino
03-12-12, 11:52 PM
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'

Dermotron
10-12-12, 04:55 PM
Chelsea have just announced the signing of Wallace for an undisclosed fee.

Not to be outdone, Man City are reported to be in talks with Gromit

Erkifino
10-12-12, 10:58 PM
It has been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was a Euro. Man City fans no longer need them!

Mark
11-12-12, 09:13 AM
Typical Man City, throwing money at their problems.

Goofy
16-12-12, 10:51 AM
"Father Michael!" I shouted to the elderly priest, "Father Michael! It's good to see you again."
"Hello Brian," he responded by taking my outstretched hand. "It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem so pleased to see me.....after.....well, you know what happened the last time we were together."
I sensed his apprehension. "It's ok Father.. I don't blame you... It was my fault."
"I wish I could feel the same," he said quietly. "But I should have known better."
He turned his head away from me slightly and said quietly, "I'm really sorry. If it's any consolation, I ask God for forgiveness every single night."
"Seriously Father.. It wasn't your fault."
"It's nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty."
"Don't," I replied, "I was the silly fucker who asked her to marry me."

Goofy
16-12-12, 10:53 AM
One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

Goofy
16-12-12, 10:54 AM
It's predicted that by 2025, at any given time, you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.

Goofy
16-12-12, 10:55 AM
"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.

"And I love you tons." I replied.

"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.


Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.

zenithclay
16-12-12, 10:59 AM
:lol: :lol:

Dermotron
20-12-12, 06:48 PM
I said, "Gran, I think this milk is off." She said, "Well, it's been along time since anyone sucked my tits."

ozRooster
27-12-12, 12:34 AM
http://i.imgur.com/TZqpR.jpg

ebfatz
29-12-12, 04:49 PM
362 days until Christmas and people have got their decorations up already!
Crazy!!

ZanSnake
02-01-13, 10:26 PM
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
...
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

ebfatz
07-01-13, 10:16 PM
BREAKING NEWS: Gareth Bale wins the Fallon D'Floor 2013 award, with Luis Suarez runner-up and Sergio Busquets in third place.

EL-TOPPO
07-01-13, 10:37 PM
Lionel Messi has won the Ballon d'Or yet again.

Meanwhile, Gareth Bale has collected the Fallon d'Floor award.

And Wayne Rooney won call on de whore!

Fods
09-01-13, 12:12 AM
Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted.
I woke up next to a fat chick who was snoring and farting.
At least I got home OK!!

The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie
last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could
spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough …. once she killed herself I started to feel a lot
better. So I thought, "F**k it"…. soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing!I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10.30.

merkezekrem
09-01-13, 09:29 AM
I have sex daily...

I mean dyslexia.

Supervale
09-01-13, 03:49 PM
An anagram of "Stewart Downing" is "Reds twat on wing" haha!

Dermotron
10-01-13, 06:02 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

EL-TOPPO
16-01-13, 01:43 PM
Tesco burgers - low in fat but high in shergar!

But dont eat too many or you may get the Trotts

Hamburgers is an anagram of Shergar bum

Tesco Burgers Mare for your money

Just checked the ones in my freezer ... And they're off !

ebfatz
16-01-13, 04:19 PM
I'm just about to pop out and give the burger a gallop before it gets too dark.

EL-TOPPO
17-01-13, 08:40 PM
I was in Asda earlier, this thick fucking chav bitch was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.

"£1.03 please"

"Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note.
...
"Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.

"I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied...she didn't get it so I thought fuck it, I'll pay by card.

"Shall I pay by card?" I asked.

"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.

I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.

"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically.

I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."

Dermotron
18-01-13, 10:09 AM
Tesco have recalled 10,000 pairs of leggings due to traces of camel toe

Dermotron
18-01-13, 04:02 PM
Gerard Piques girlfriend (Shakira) is close to giving birth. No one has yet realized that this time 9 months ago Chelsea played at Barcelona in the champions league. the same game Terry got send off...

Cam F
19-01-13, 06:43 PM
i phoned a Chinese restaurant last night and the man said,"Hello, I'm Wan King the chef:L" I said,"No worries, I'll call back later;)"

Fods
26-01-13, 12:15 AM
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she said with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

churky
05-02-13, 05:29 PM
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

Baz
11-02-13, 12:00 PM
The Pope has proved his credentials as a good Catholic - by pulling out before finishing the job.

Cam F
11-02-13, 07:08 PM
The Pope resigns over a mafia threat.

Woke up next to a Findus Lasagne.

Baz
11-02-13, 08:24 PM
My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I booked two tickets for the Grand National.

Dermotron
14-02-13, 09:43 AM
Valentines Day:
Dinner:€100
Drinks:€50
Taxi:€20
Hotel:€400
The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period...
PRICELESS!

Redknapp69
14-02-13, 02:48 PM
BJ is never a bad 2nd choice!

I will be most watching Liverpool tonight and the missus better not pipe up after the holiday we just came back from

Fecking hate Valentines Day

Jesus
14-02-13, 02:57 PM
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise,
Oscar Pistorius

Patinoz
14-02-13, 07:45 PM
That is gold, Matty :lol:

Goofy
14-02-13, 08:25 PM
Yeah, just heard about Pistorius being arrested on suspicion of murder........ poor fella doesn't have a leg to stand on :(

Goofy
14-02-13, 08:34 PM
A few more :lol:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend.

Proof that even a man with no legs has a better shot than Fernando Torres.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.

White man arrested for murder.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's going to be hard for Oscar Pistorius to walk away from this one..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EL-TOPPO
14-02-13, 08:43 PM
Chelsea to hire new coach to help Fernando Torres with shooting skills, Oscar Pistorius!

Cafcjgreen
14-02-13, 10:56 PM
The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened.

Erkifino
15-02-13, 02:57 PM
He has just been acquitted of murder. He has some spring in his step now!

EL-TOPPO
15-02-13, 11:33 PM
Rectum Stretcher - Priceless
While I was driving down the motorway the other day,
(going a little faster than I should have been)
I passed under a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

EL-TOPPO
15-02-13, 11:43 PM
Mary had a little twat, a teeny weeny hole. And Jonny couldn't fit it in with his massive manly pole. He sucked her tit, licked her clit and tried to squeeze it in. Nothing seemed to work for him he couldn't fucking win. So Mary drank a lot of wine, she smoked a bit of grass, and just as she was passing out he slipped it up her ass!

Cam F
20-02-13, 07:29 AM
Looks as though Arsene Wenger might be looking to Oscar Pistorius in the Summer transfer window after reports claimed he had more shots on target in 9 seconds than Arsenal did in 90 minutes against Bayern Munich

wato20
22-02-13, 02:27 PM
whats the difference between an Egg and a Wank.


You can beat an Egg...

ozRooster
26-02-13, 09:25 AM
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Fods
26-02-13, 10:59 AM
Facebooked, thanks, now all my friends will think I am a funny cunt and not you :D

ZanSnake
13-03-13, 02:34 PM
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

wato20
14-03-13, 04:56 PM
when the Pope toured Ireland, he was asked What he thought of County Down?

The Pope answered - Its not the same since Carol Vorderman left.

http://nowmagazine.media.ipcdigital.co.uk/11140/0000180c9/3e74_orh417w310/Carol-Vorderman21.jpg

Janis89
12-04-13, 03:32 PM
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Janis89
12-04-13, 03:38 PM
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

wato20
12-04-13, 03:47 PM
BeezerCeltic1967

ebfatz
18-04-13, 08:08 PM
Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.

Erkifino
18-04-13, 11:14 PM
When I was young people used to put cherries on my head and cover me with chocolate...

It was tough growing up in the gateaux!

Dermotron
22-04-13, 05:39 PM
People who plug their keyboard in their radio aren't idiots.

That's just stereotyping.

Goofy
22-04-13, 06:14 PM
Cute girl came into my work today and asked me for a double entendre.......... so i gave her one :)

Fods
28-04-13, 03:42 AM
"Excuse me" I said to the woman sat in front of me "You have some semen on the back of your jacket". "I'm sure it's not semen" she said "It's probably yoghurt". "It's definitely semen" I said "I don't ejaculate yoghurt".

Fods
28-04-13, 03:42 AM
I was watching my door neighbour's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded... watching me. Do you think she's a pervert?

Fods
28-04-13, 03:43 AM
The missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the fundamental and received death threats. Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house

Fods
28-04-13, 03:43 AM
My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job. Pretty funny when you think about it because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a cunt.

ozRooster
01-05-13, 12:49 PM
John, a Sydney University student, was hitchhiking about 100 kilometres north of Brisbane on an unlit country road and on a very dark night with a severe storm raging. Thunder, lightning, torrential rain… the night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see more than a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, in a flash of lightning, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped just a few feet from where he stood. John, in the dark and driving rain, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door… immediately noticing that there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!

Then, the car began slowly moving.

A little terrified by the sudden movement, without any obvious human interaction, John was thinking about jumping from the moving vehicle, but the storm was getting worse… here was a safe haven from the tempest—of sorts…

He looked ahead at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. “Do I jump?” he thought, when suddenly— just before he hit the curve—a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, in the dark, with only the flash of the lightning and paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the slowly moving car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody around him the horrible experience he had just been through. A silence had enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and wasn’t drunk…

About 5 minutes later, two blokes walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look, Bruce… there’s the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.”

ozRooster
01-05-13, 01:35 PM
I've been drinking a lot of brake fluid lately.

My friends say I have a problem but I can stop anytime.

:couch:

Erkifino
08-05-13, 08:36 PM
As a mark of respect, at every ground this weekend, there will be a minute of applause at the 96th minute!

ZanSnake
09-05-13, 03:03 PM
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by The Devil and would be sent to Hell if they could not give him an impossible task to do. Touch The moon,' said The Englishman. The Devil did and The Englishman was sent to Hell. '
'Darken The sun,' said The Scotsman. The Devil did and The Scotsman was sent to Hell.
The Irishman thought for a moment, cleared his throat and spat on The ground. 'Swim in that,' he said to The Devil.

ZanSnake
21-05-13, 08:31 PM
Japanese couple having an argument..

Husband says "Sukitaki!"

Wife replies "Kowanini!"

Husband says "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband replies angrily "Kina tim kouji!"

And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

Ya daft bastard.

Craig Forrest
31-05-13, 07:47 PM
At a Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

******************

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

******************

A man goes into the local book store and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have that new book for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

*****************

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

******************
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked mate - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

******************

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods' DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.

Erkifino
31-05-13, 07:59 PM
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.



Hadn't heard that one before. Brilliant!!

wato20
10-06-13, 02:21 PM
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst!

Dermotron
14-06-13, 10:15 PM
A Cavan driver is pulled over by a Garda on the N3 from Dublin on his way home. The Garda approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Garda ?"

The Garda says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The Cavan man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The Garda is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The Garda says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The Garda says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the Garda is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five Garda cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior Garda from the serious crimes squad slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior Garda says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Garda ?"

"One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The Garda responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The Garda says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The Garda, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my Garda claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the Garda. The Garda opens the wallet and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my Gardas told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Goofy
17-06-13, 12:58 PM
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Unless he's a Vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

Janis89
21-06-13, 11:28 AM
:whoo:


James wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…
One day, James got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.
James said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

ebfatz
24-06-13, 11:42 AM
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

Chill
24-06-13, 10:01 PM
The 100th year since Lenin's birth was fast approaching, and the Communist government wanted the painting "Lenin in Poland" to be made to commemorate the milestone. They ran into an unexpected problem though; Lenin never actually went to Poland, and since all the great Russian painters at the time favored realism none of them wanted to make the painting; "Comrade, I'd love to make this painting, but I just cant! It would contradict all my education!"

Finally, the only decent painter that hadn't been asked and then sent off to Siberia for his refusal was a jew named Levi. "I'd rather paint something that really happened." "But since it's the government asking I'll do it. It will be an honor" The government is relieved to have finally secured a painter and ask him to deliver the painting in one weeks time, to which Levi gives his word he will.

A week later, a massive celebration takes place on the Red Square. Legions of infantry march down the street, accompanied by all the latest hardware of the Soviet army. Zounds of pedestrians surround the stage where the painting is about to be unveiled. And every single one of them is in complete shock when it's revealed that the painting depicts a man fucking a woman that looks like Lenin's wife!

A long, uncomfortable silence follows the initial cries of outrage. At last, the bewildered prime minister asks Levi "Who is that man?"

"That Tolstoy, comrade"

Eventually, the General of the army asks "And who is the woman?"

"That's Lenin's wife, comrade"

After yet another long silence, one of the attending pedestrians cries out: "But where's Lenin?"

"He's in Poland." Levi explains.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Alex and Albert, two long time friends who were both on their deathbed had promised each other that the one to die first would visit the other from the afterlife to confirm whether CM 01/02 is played in heaven or not. The day after Albert dies he comes to Alex in a vision.

"Albert, my dear friend, is that really you?"

"Yes, it's me dear Alex. Now I have some good news and some bad news. We most definitely play 01/02 in heaven"

"That's great! But what's the bad news then?"

"Jesus want's you setting up his WIB/WOB starting tomorrow"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man comes home from work and is instantly jumped on by his wife. She exclaims: "I'm a month due on my period! I'm sure I'm pregnant now! But please don't share this with anyone, we should keep this for our selves for now" Her husband is all smiles, and promises to be quiet.

The day after a man from he local electricity company is walking up the couples doorstep with the intent to shut off their electricity as the couple had forgot to pay their last bill. He rings the doorbell, and the woman opens the door.

"Good morning" he says "You're a month due."

The woman is shocked. She gnarls back "How THE HELL do you know that?"

"Well, it's registered in our database"

"REGISTERED IN YOUR DATABASE? Now look you, I'm going to talk to my husband and he'll give you lot a righteous bollocking tomorrow!" She proceeds to slam the door on the man.

When her husband comes home the woman shares with him her recent discovery of the espionage the electricity company has been carrying out on them. Still fuming the day after, the man charges through the offices of the electricity company until he's in the CEO's office. After slamming the door, he yells:

"WHAT THE FUCK is going on here? You have it registered in your database that we're a month due, are you lot out of your fucking mind?"

"Whoa, whoa. Just relax now. All you have to do is pay us and then we'll pretend that this never happened."

"PAY YOU? PAY YOU? What sort of madman are you?" After a bit of thinking, the man asks "What if I refuse to pay?"

"Well, then we'd be forced to cut your cord and disconnect you."

"But what's my wife supposed to do then?"

"Well... I guess she'd have to use a candle?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Having undergone a series of parachuting lessons, a man in his late forties is thrilled to be about to do his first solo jump. Having flown ten thousand feet into the air, the man jumps. About a minute later he pulls the parachute's string, but it doesn't deploy. He pulls the string several more times but to no avail. He then remembers the emergency parachute but it doesn't deploy either.

Now frantically pulling the strings of both parachutes, the man sees something that completely shocks him. Another person is in the skies near him...but moving upwards!

When their paths are about to cross, the now out of his mind with fear parachutist yells "HEY, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The stranger replies "NO! But do you know anything about gas canisters?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Five surgeons are having a roundtable discussion on what types of people are the best to operate on.

The first surgeon says "Accountants. You open them up and everything is numbered"

The second says "True, but you should try an electrician then. All their organs are color-marked."

The third says "I for one like librarians. When you open them everything is presented to you in alphabetical order"

The fourth says "You know what? I prefer contractors. They're all so understanding when there are leftovers and the operation takes longer than planned"

The fifth and final surgeon says "You're all wrong. The best are politicians by far; No heart, no guts, no conscience and when you're putting them back together the head and the ass are interchangeable!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A couple is about to go downtown to celebrate the woman's birthday. When they are just about to leave the house, a cat slips through the front door. Moments later their taxi arrives.

The couple obviously didn't want an unwelcome cat to run freely in their house while they're away so the man goes back in to catch it while the woman enters the cab. She also didn't want the driver to know that no one would be at home so she tells him "He'll be back quickly, he's just saying goodbye to my mother"

A few minutes later the man enters the cab and says "Sorry I took so long, but the damn pussy had crawled under the master bedroom, I had to poke a brush under there to get that freaking hairball bag out of there."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man named George comes in for his first day in a new job. He is greeted by his new co-workers and further informed that a few of them play golf together at 10 AM on Saturdays. George accepts an invitation to play with them but remarks that he might show up about ten minutes late. He shows up on time the following Saturday, plays right handed and wins.

The following Friday George says he'll be playing tomorrow but again adds that he might be 10 minutes late. He shows up on time however, plays left handed and wins. This goes on for several weeks; George says he'll be there but possibly 10 minutes late, but always shows up on time and strictly playing either left handed or right handed always wins.

His co-workers eventually decide to confront him on this. He's asked "George, before every Saturday you warn you may be 10 minutes late, but you never are. And you switch between playing the 18 holes either left handed or right handed at what seems to be absolute random. What's up with that?"

"Well, you see" George says "I'm quite superstitious. Every time I wake up on days I'll be playing golf I look at my wife. If she's laying on her left side I play left handed and if she's laying on her right side I play right handed"

One co-worker then asks "But what if she's laying on her back?"

"Then I'm 10 minutes late."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A professional goalkeeper is having a walk in the downtown area of the city in which he plies his trade. Suddenly he hears a scream from nearby. He walks a bit further up the block and sees a house on fire. A woman holding a toddler is reaching out of a window on the 4th floor screaming "The baby! Someone has to catch the baby!"

A crowd had gathered outside the building, but none of them were confident that they could catch the baby from such a height. The goalkeeper steps forward and says "I'm a professional goalkeeper. Praise has been lavished on me for my safe hands. Just drop your baby and I'll catch it, to me it'll be like catching a ball"

"Okay!" the woman yells back " When I drop my baby, act like you're about to catch a ball!"

The woman drops the baby, and everyone in attendance holds their breath as the keeper lines him self up for the catch. Raucous celebrations follow as the keeper safely catches the toddler in his arms. He proceeds to dribbling it twice on the ground and then kicks it 50 yards down the street.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish lad walks out of a pub.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

EL-TOPPO
24-06-13, 10:27 PM
"Hi fosters helpline how can I help"?
"Hi guys,I am in Australia and my girlfriends been stung on the minge by a hornet and her fanny has closed up and I don't know what to do"!
"Aww bummer mate"!
"Thanks guys,that's what I thought,bye"!

Dermotron
25-07-13, 04:15 PM
The kids were all sick after I put ginger in their curry last night

They loved that cat

ilovesanmarino
27-07-13, 02:00 PM
I have your results to the weewee club entrance exam,

And

You're in!

Erkifino
27-07-13, 03:01 PM
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I dunno either but the flag is a big plus!

Supervale
30-07-13, 05:06 PM
Don't make fun of somebody with a lisp. They're probably thick and tired of it.

EL-TOPPO
19-08-13, 12:50 AM
I stopped a guy in the street, I said "excuse me mate im looking for a rubbish tip?"

He replied "Arsenal to win the premiership"

Goofy
19-08-13, 10:54 AM
I didn't get the IT job as apparently I'm not 'Tech savvy'. I'm so annoyed, I'm getting my friend to send them an angry fax email thingy.

Goofy
19-08-13, 10:57 AM
When my girlfriend was paralysed after the accident she worried about the changes it would have to her life.

My concern was how would she cope now that she was single.

Goofy
19-08-13, 10:58 AM
At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can fuck off."