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Thread: Jokes (this thread may cause offense)

  1. #1
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    Jokes (this thread may cause offense)

    In January this year, the follow joke was voted the "funniest joke" of all time..

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?
    Personally, I think that is absolute shit!

    Let's beat this, hit me with your favourites...

  2. #2
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    Leverkusen in the CL!

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    Harold Shipman would have been the perfect choice for the next Chelsea manager.

    He's good at getting rid of all the old cunts and everyone in Manchester is shit scared of him.

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    In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.

    In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.

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    Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give women unrealistic expectations about what to expect from men.

    Porn has the same effect on men.

  6. #6
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    Knock knock.......

    Knock knock.......

    Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock....

    Hurry up Whitney, I need a shit.

  7. #7
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    Whats Brown & Rhymes with Snoop?
    Dr Dre...

  8. #8
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    A Vicar books into a Hotel and says to the clerk
    "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
    She says "No sir, it's just regular porn, you sick bastard"

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  11. #10
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    Brilliant!

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    Two geeks were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate?" says the first guy "Yesterday I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar".

    "What did you do?" says the other guy.

    "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off".

    "You're kidding me!" says the second guy.

    "No way! I took her miniskirt off, then her bra and her panties. Then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop".

    "Really? You got a new laptop?"

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  14. #12
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    Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their flaps.

    So now when the guy goes down he can have a bevvy as well.

    However, anti-drink campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking!

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    Mad Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by Crazy Carl.

    "Licence please" said Carl.

    Mary sped off around the corner and bumped into Loony Leon.

    "Insurance please" said Leon.

    Off zoomed Mary again until she was stopped by Donkey Dave, naked with an eight inch hard on.

    "OH NO" said Mary "Not the fucking breathalizer again!"

  16. #14
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    A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

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    I always drive down to the pub and after a lengthy session I do the responsible thing and leave the car in the car park and take the bus home.

    The only problem is, I have trouble parking the bus on my drive.

  18. #16
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    The Jeremy Kyle 12 days of Christmas

    12 cans of Carling
    11 DNA tests
    10 dads to choose from
    9 teeth between them
    8 squeezed in tracksuits
    7 stinking smackrats
    6 dunlop trainers
    5 stolen rings
    4 fat slags
    3 ugly twats
    2 timing cunts

    and a wanker who parades them on T.V

  19. #17
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    They say a woman's fanny is like a shed roof!

    If you don't nail it hard enough it will probably end up next door!

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    My brother has just set fire to one of my Mr Men books.

    No more Mr Nice Guy.

  21. #19
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    My wife climbed on my lap facing me on the sofa last night.

    "Mmmm....is that a bone I can feel?" She winked

    "Yeah" I said "It's the one that's snapped in my leg you fat cunt"

  22. #20
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    Ali G went to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a girl on his back.

    "So what are you supposed to be?" asks the host

    "I iz a snail" replied Ali G

    "How can you be a snail when all you got is a naked girl on your back?" said the host

    Ali replied "Dat iz Michelle"

  23. #21
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    Man meets woman in a bar, buys her a drink but while talking to her, he keeps looking at his watch. She asks why.

    "It's a new dating watch, it gives me information about you"

    "Like what?" she says

    "It says you have no knickers on"

    "It's wrong" she says

    "I know" he replies, "it's an hour fast"

  24. #22
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    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.

    I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!

    You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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    An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the
    surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

    As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

    Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot
    willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his
    blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

    A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
    surgery.

    His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his
    blood again.

    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a
    box of Quality Street chocolates.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
    as he had anticipated.

    He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again,
    that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a
    thank-you card & a box of Quality Street ."

    To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma
    veins".

  26. #24
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    9 Things I Hate About Everyone

    1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

    2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

    3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

    4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

    5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

    6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

    7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

    8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

    9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

  27. #25
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    I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.

    "Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.

    "Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.

    "No" I replied, "The cunt was delivering my pizza."

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