Or so I thought at the tender age of 19. I had, in real life, just joined Bognor Regis Town as a sort of non contract play me if you are desperate left back whilst still playing for Southern League side Chichester City. Oh...those were the days...all the beer I could eat and girls as long as your arm...
It's another story from me but this time about me...sort of. I have put myself in the game at the tender age of 19, steady Jesus, and am residing in Sweden, Malmo to be precise, oh look...here I am...
I have tried to be honest about my stats, I was a very good tackler and passer but devastatingly rubbish with my head. For story purposes I have allowed myself a few luxuries.
A couple of points.
1. I am Swedish and English.
2. I have a C.A of 85 and a P.A of 199! (This is for story purposes and not a reflection of my huge ego.)
3. .68 database in full effect.
Lord Bastard has just taken over as manager of Malmo and has promised to play me as much as possible as long as I sit on his knee. It's not really about how good Malmo are...more of a life story.
Let's see where it goes and if the save stays non corrupted!
Brave and determined fella.
Will be good to see, this one!
Let's see how this one goes!
Thought your second nationality would be Indian
Have you got a preference for playing in Scandinavia?
Will be keeping an eye
I think DM could be where you'll revel
The question is - will the Swedish girls be too much of a temptation?!
I have spent a lot of time in Sweden so it's a natural choice. Will try and play this as my 19 year old self so Swedish girls could figure highly!
"Trunky", shouted the assistant manager, "The boss wants to see you in his office." I nodded. Many thoughts wizzed in and out of my 19 year old head. Had I upset the Boss? Why do men have nipples? Was he going to shout at me again? Are all women's breasts different shapes? I made my way off the training pitch and into the tunnel. I passed Richard Menza on the way. "where are you going Trunks?", he asked. I told him. He raised an eyebrow before wishing me well. I liked Richard. Mainly because he played right back.
I knocked on the door. From inside came a very loud "enter". I jumped slightly and looked around. No one had seen me. Lord Bastard's office was not fancy in any way imaginable. It had a desk, two chairs, a filing cabinet and a very fat manager. "Sit down Trunky, sit down", said a strangely happy boss. As I sat down I noticed him sitting down as well. Parts of him continued to sit down for a few more seconds, before, as though he had been waiting for the parts to settle, he began to speak.
"Trunky, we like you here at Malmo. We believe you will develop here as a player and with that in mind would like to offer you a new contract. It won't be much of a raise, say 425 quid a week with a small goal and assist bonus, but it will show our commitment to you. What do you say?"
I was shocked. This was a big deal for me, I was 19, living at home and potentially would be earning close to 2000 pounds a month. It was an easy decision to make. I told him yes. Lord Bastard beamed at me before shaking my offered hand. "Congratulations my boy", he said, "work hard and you will become a star."
I left the office and returned to training, beaming inside and out. Richard Menza saw me and came over. "What happened?" he asked excitedly. I explained what had happened and he shook my hand. "That will be the reason why I saw scouts from Arsenal and Juventus here this morning then". It took my young brain a brief second to work out what he had said before asking him what he meant. "Well, it's simple", he replied, "You sign a new contract and Malmo get to keep you for a couple of years."
I banged on the door a little harder than I meant to. From inside the office came a muffled "enter". So I did. "Ah, Trunky, take a seat son", said a still wobbling Lord Bastard. "What can I do for you?"
I was calm. Completely calm. I asked one question. "Did you get me to sign a new contract because scouts from a couple of clubs were sniffing around asking about me?" Lord Bastard stared at me for a brief second before nodding.
Walking out of that office with a minimum release clause of a million pounds was a great feeling. As the Boss had pointed out, it would protect his interests (me) but also, if someone paid that amount then Malmo would also benefit. I was very happy.
A few days later I read in the paper that the club had turned down bids from Chelsea, Crystal Palace, Norwich, Boavista and Arsenal. Part of me was slightly upset by this news. I mean, Norwich! What an honour.
We have one friendly, against 2nd division side Gunnilse, coming up in a few days. Lord Bastard held a team meeting and explained his playing style and thoughts. He asked myself and Richard to play as wing backs in a 5-3-2 formation. I am secretly excited by this as I love bombing forward.
The game itself was treated as a bit of a run about, a chance to get fitness levels up a bit. I had a poor first half if I'm honest although I did win a header, but we did take the lead after 6 minutes and add to it right on the stroke of half time. The second half was a bit dull and on 70 minutes the manager made some substitutions. I was half expecting to come off as, although I had played better this half, I still wasn't performing well. I was replaced by Mikael Roth and took my place on the bench alongside Richard Menza who had also been taken off.
I took no satisfaction from the fact that Mikael only got a 6, it's a team game after all, but Richard did whoop in my ear that his replacement only got a 6 as well. In his mind it would mean we were definite starters in a couple of weeks against Elfsborg.
Last edited by trunky; 18-03-16 at 01:15 PM.
Interest from clubs without Trunks playing a game before?!
Nice new contract and a peachy position you are in
But of a curveball you playing as a wing back - be interesting to see how that goes
Solid start in 1st game - blow off the cobwebs and all that
199 PA, you're gonna tear it up
trunky won't be staying for long at Malmo from the looks of it!
Life as professional football player is quite hard. I know it's not as hard as other jobs, like lion taming or accounting, but it still can be very stressful. Take today for instance. I woke up at around 9am, I know, early, very early, and had to be at the club's training pitch for 11am. It is usually a rush as you can imagine but I manage to get there on time, just. The real work now starts as it's all go, go, go.
First up is a massage. This mornings one was particularly brutal as I had a few knots in my left leg from last nights friendly. After the massage comes a slight jog around the pitch until lunch. This is usually a frugal affair with only bread, meats, cheese, salad items, a choice of 3 puddings and water on offer. See what I mean? Harsh.
After lunch I have a swim and then we all watched a video of the last game to show up any weaknesses in our play. Richard kept sniggering every time his replacement didn't make a tackle.
Then I went home exhausted. It's a hard life and not for the faint hearted.
It was while I was at home that a news item popped up on television about me. Apparently I was not for sale, especially for 80,000 pounds to Aston Villa, and that was the end of it. I knew that if someone offered 1 million pounds then the club would sell me in a flash but 80k? Even I was shocked by that low offer.
Still, it was nice to be wanted.
Lord Bastard, after he had finished wobbling, went through the team and what he wanted from us in our first game of the new season against Elfsborg. We were at home which is added pressure, you want to perform for your fans. I might give them a little wave if they sing my name. On no account am I allowed to do anything if they boo me. Head down, try harder and ignore the nasty people.
I was picked at left wing back again with Richard on the right. We both shared a smile. He then gave a big "Yeah" and beamed at everyone. The boss continued to try and gee us up, but to be fair I didn't need it. This would be my first proper game as a professional footballer and I was looking forward to it. And I was a little nervous if I'm honest. The boss asked of we all knew our roles. I shouted "yes" due to the fact that I was on the toilet.
I saw a lot of the ball early on without actually doing anything. Most of the action seems to be happening on the other side with Richard having shots at goal and winning headers. I on the other hand lost out in everything I did. It might have been nerves.
I decided to keep my head down at half time especially as we were 2-0 down and being outplayed.
Lord Bastard shouted at us so much in the dressing room that it was difficult not to get hypnotised by all of his body moving in different directions all of the time. His chin appeared to be waving from side to side like a demented turkey whilst his stomach had a mind of it's own. I shut my eyes from the horror and only opened them when I heard my name being shouted out. "Trunky"," he exclaimed. "Yes Boss", I replied a little hesitantly as I knew what was coming next. Substitution. "I'm moving you into the DM slot. Sit in front of the defenders, tackle everyone, give it to the midfielders, got it?" I had indeed "got it" and nodded in the affirmative. Robert Kjellin was coming on to play on the left as Kenneth Gustavsson was coming off. To be fair to Kenneth, he had played ok but had been let down by his full backs. Especially me. "Bloody manager's pet" he muttered at me as I walked past to go back onto the pitch.
After a bit of running around doing my best impression of a headless chicken, I started to settle into my new role. I was making tackles and actually winning them. That was lucky as Kjellin was performing far better than I had been at left wing back and actually set up a goal. In the space of 7 minutes we had scored 2 goals and had drawn level. Richard got taken off near the end as he was knackered. I had even managed a shot at goal. I say shot, it was a bit of a weak effort that hit their central defender but it looked on target.
I had enjoyed the second half immensely, especially as I had played a lot better than at wing back. Kjellin even shook my hand as we walked off. Kenneth just glared at me. The manager waddled onto the pitch to congratulate us as well. I had got an 8 in my first proper game. "Time for a celebration", said Richard in the dressing room. "I'm game", joined in Robert Kjellin. "Where shall we go? That new bar/ club in the town?"
Nervy 1st half but came into your own 2nd half. Deffo think DM is the right place!
Wandering if any tales from the night on the town . . .
Inspired move by Bastard.
I fear a time when Mr Draper will refuse to sign any new contract and then move on.
But where would that move be? Need to up the rep and CA before any move. Knuckle down at Malmo
The new bar/ Club in town proved to be a bit of a disappointment. I'm not sure what I had expected on a snowy Sunday night in Malmo but it was probably more than four middle aged women dancing in a circle to 80's pop music. Richard, on the other hand, appeared to enjoy himself immensely. The women also appeared to love him judging by the way they molested him every time he went near them. Which was often. One of them even followed him to the toilet, probably for a chat or something. They appeared a while later looking slightly dishevelled. Richard said it was because he had slipped over in the loo. As he said this I noticed the ladies all surrounding their friend and giggling loudly. Women.
At training during the week the Boss came wobbling onto the pitch and called us all together. He was still wobbling as he told us that Skoog and Mattisson had been called up to the Sweden 'B' squad. We applauded and then all jumped onto the two players.
He also announced that Nuorela had been called up to the Finnish squad and Meto to the Icelandic 'B' team. We applauded. Meto looked embarrassed by the attention but Nuorela, who had appeared to be about to sprint away, looked slightly dejected by the clapping, as though he had wanted to be jumped on.
As we settled down the Boss waved at the stand and a tall blonde haired man came jogging over. "Oh, by the way", said the still jiggling Boss, "I'd like to introduce you to Swedish international Teddy Lucic".
I was shocked. Teddy was a big star. Even if he did have a weird name. Still, I shook his hand warmly.
Once all the introductions had been made Lord Bastard motioned us all to quieten down. "Now Lads", he said, "On Sunday we have an away game against Halmstad. They won their first game and will be looking to repeat that against us. If fit, the team will be the same that started the second half of the last game apart from Lucic replacing Ohlsson at centre half. So that means Draper in the defensive midfield role in place of Kenneth Gustavsson who drops out of the team."
I'm not sure what look Kenneth was going for but it wasn't very nice. I think Richard noticed this as after the session had finished he came over to me and told me not to worry about Kenneth. "Don't worry about Kenneth", he said, slightly out of breath.
I enjoyed the match itself especially playing slightly in front of Teddy who was forever giving advice and help. By half time we were 3-0 up through Johansson, Elana and Skoog. Although I had no direct involvement in the goals I felt I had contributed by my tackling and general play. In fact, Teddy congratulated me on the way to the dressing room at half time.
The second half continued in the same vein as the first and I really enjoyed it. Halmstad didn't really get a look in and we added a fourth in the 90th minute when Yngvesson scored his first for us from a Karim corner.
The mood was high in the dressing room after the game with everyone in high spirits. It dampened a bit when three smartly dressed men came into the dressing room and started to shake hands with everyone. One of them, a slightly damp looking older man ruffled my hair and told me that I was the saviour of the club. I thought it was a weird comment to make but then thought no more of it as Richard threw a sock into my face. He's such a laugh.
Sounds like Richard is enjoying his time on .........and off the field!
Trunk is getting his head down and letting his feet do the talking
"Sit down lad", said Lord Bastard, pointing at a chair. I sat, wondering why I had been called into his office. Another pay rise for my good performances? An invite to dinner and maybe a show after? The captains armband? A getting to know you chat? It turned out to be neither of these things.
"As you know lad, you have a minimum fee inserted into your contract", said the ever wobbling Lord Bastard. I nodded. "Well, a club has activated it. I won't tell you who at this stage but I can tell you that it is a famous English club."
I sat in the chair a little shocked. I didn't want to leave. I decided to tell the Boss that I would talk to the club and then give him my decision based on what they said.
"I'll talk to the club and give you my decision based on what they say."
It didn't take long to decide if I'm honest. The club to be flew me to England, showed me their training pitches, the ground and the house they had ear marked for me to live in. I chatted to my family who I would be leaving behind in Sweden and then politely told the club that I couldn't leave Malmo. I was young. I was just starting to make my mark in the team. I hadn't even grown hairs on my chest yet.
Back in Malmo I was once again called into Lord Bastard's office. When I got there I was a little shocked to find the slightly damp looking old man occupying a seat next to the Boss. "Please sit Trunky", he said, gesturing to nearby chair. I sat. I was good like that.
"Whilst we admire your decision to turn down the offer you have received we would like to point out that the 1 million pounds would ensure this club's survival for the next few seasons and we urge you to reconsider, for the sake of your team mates and this once great club."
I once again sat in a chair in the bosses office looking shocked. They wanted me to leave just because of the money. I looked at Lord Bastard. He quickly blushed and averted his eyes. They wanted to sell me. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again Lord Bastard was still wobbling. The older man was still damp looking. The pot plant was still a pot plant. I sighed. "Ok", I said. "I'll sign." I got up and left the room feeling disgusted with the damp looking man, the Boss and especially myself. I rang Richard and told him. From the office behind me I heard cheering and what sounded like corks being popped.
On the following Sunday we were at home to Orebro. Niklas Skoog and hurt his wrist in training during the week, or so he said. Richard on the other hand said he had done it during a "personal moment". I didn't get the joke but joined in the laughing.
The boss told us to go out and play the same way we had in the previous game. I was picked in the defensive midfield role again but to be honest my heart wasn't in the game. I once again enjoyed playing with Teddy though and at half time he told me to not worry about what had happened but to go out there and enjoy myself. At this stage we were 1-0 down due to a rocket from Orebro's Kenyan centre forward, Boniventure Maruti.
Our cause wasn't helped by Magnus Pehrsson getting sent off for two yellow cards. The game then petered out and ended in a small defeat.
I got the man of the match award, my first, but to be honest I couldn't have cared less. I was still in shock. Teddy and Richard did come and congratulate me though.
Last edited by trunky; 27-03-16 at 11:38 PM.
You have kept the club going for a few years. You will go down in folklore!
Sheffield Wednesday then - sleeping giant
Be interesting if you get first XI action and who your rivals for the position are
Richard won't know what to do without you!
Just caught up! Looks like DM suits trunky best, I like that role in the team, the unsung hero!
Shame that Malmo have decided to sell already. Hope it works out at Sheff Wed. I think he'll miss Richard!
Over the next few days I finally had come to terms with what the club had done, plus I was kind of looking forward to moving to England. I had heard that Sheffield was like Venice only with more hills and Richard told me that it's architecture rivalled London's and the food was world renowned. Him and Teddy certainly cheered me up although this was helped by the chats I had with my parents. They told me to follow my dreams, and although they were a little unsure about Sheffield being the Venice of the north, they certainly put my mind at ease. That was until Thursday when, by a cruel twist of fate, Kenneth, the person I replaced at defensive midfield had some news of his own.
"You'll never guess what's just happened Draper", he said in a sly voice. And then proceeded to tell me his news.
"Looks like we will be living together as well", he continued. "Just remember who's the better player and we will get on fine, roomie."
I stood opened mouthed as I watched the back of his head, was that the beginning of a bald spot, disappear into the dressing rooms. "I take it you have heard the good news Draper", asked Lord Bastard, full of motion. "We were reluctant to sell another player so soon but when we found out it was Sheffield Wednesday we thought it would be great for the pair of you." I nodded. He wobbled off.
Richard and Teddy both laughed when I told them the news. "Wish it was me", said Richard. "So do I", retorted Teddy and we both giggled at the joke.
Lord Bastard told the rest of the team at the pre match meal. Most congratulated Kenneth but some gave me a quizzical look. I tried not to blush. "Right then, listen up", shouted the boss whilst waving his hands around in that time honoured tradition of quietening people down. "Todays game is against Landskrona, who have lost all 3 of their matches and are rooted to the bottom of the table. The team will change slightly from last week's loss as Skoog is back to full fitness after his limp wrist injury." The dressing room, as one, burst into laughter with a few players waving their wrists up and down at Niklas. "Settle down", said the boss. We settled down. I still had no idea why we were laughing at Skoog.
"Due to Pehrsson being suspended, Nuorela will play at the back alongside Teddy with Kenneth coming onto the bench. You will probably get a run out today as Draper is not full fit." Kenneth looked across at me with a smug face. I ignored him. "Ijeh will join you on the bench. Richard gets the nod over Ohlsson at right back." I smiled at Richard who gave me the thumbs up back. He then changed it to a single digit and held that up towards the rest of the team who appeared to be mocking him.
The match itself started well for us as Skoog buried a shot from the edge of the box after 5 minutes to give us the lead. Unfortunately things went a little downhill after that as Landskrona hit back with 3 goals of their own. I was having a bit of a rubbish game and had only made one tackle up to that point. Luckily for us, Johansson and then Skoog in the dying minutes of the half replied for us and we went into the break 3-3.
I wasn't playing well, and to be honest I was a little knackered. Lord Bastard asked me if I was ok, I nodded, and he went onto to try and gee us all up for the second half. He also told Kenneth to keep warmed up. Kenneth smiled thinly at me. I blushed.
We started the second half in exactly the opposite way as the first with Landskrona re-taking the lead on the 57th minute after a slip by Teddy. On the 68th minute Lord Bastard made a couple of substitutions. Kenneth did indeed come on but to replace Teddy who had picked up a knock. I then saw my number flash up and trudged off to be replaced by Jorgen Ohlsson. I sat next to Teddy as an ice pack was strapped to his leg feeling slightly dejected. I had improved in the second half but not by much.
The replacements had the desired effect as within 8 minutes Karim scored his first ever goal for the club to equalise. I banged my head on the bench roof celebrating. Teddy laughed. The game then petered out leaving the score a very entertaining 4-4 draw.
Both substitutions had played well in the final 20 minutes, especially Kenneth. I congratulated him when he came off but he ignored me. Although the draw was hard fought I was a little dejected after the game due to playing poorly. "Cheer up Draper", said the boss, "you can't get the man of the match every game." The dressing room laughed. I blushed.
Still, we had only been beaten once in 4 games and were the leagues top scorers which was something to cheer about.
Last edited by trunky; 30-03-16 at 11:02 PM.
Just picked this up, glad there's another Trunky story (with a capital T this time!)
Decent start for Trunky and Malmo, but will either of them prosper when they part ways?
Discover more about members of the Champman0102 community, as they answer:
League top scorer but also joint conceeded most!
Bonkers game that!
Agh - shock and not a nice one that Kenneth will be going to Sheff Wed
The sale could well be affecting trunky's game.