View Poll Results: What does Kingsley do next ?

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  • Carry on until I get sacked

    2 20.00%
  • Move to another club (Germany/Holland/Italy)

    6 60.00%
  • Do a different story

    2 20.00%
  • Something else (please add a comment)

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Thread: [STORY] Life's A Lottery

  1. #1
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    [STORY] Life's A Lottery

    Life’s A Lottery

    My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.' ….. Frank Carson


    Kingsley: For fuck sake. 3 lines and not a single number.
    Queensley: I don’t know why you bother. It’s the same every week and you aways get upset
    Kingsley: By the law of averages we have to win soon. It must be months since we last had even a single number. The odds against that must be higher than actually winning.
    Queensley: And the odds against you getting another job must be a damn sight higher. Why don’t you get off your lazy arse and actually do something useful !
    Kingsley: It’s not easy. There is not much demand for people that have replicated the career of Sir Alex, then taken an obscure Japanese club to glory, followed by turning a bunch of Vikings into winners. You can’t just walk into a job without a decent track record …. Unless your name is Rafa Benitez. You would have thought that someone would be interested, but not a single phone call.
    Queensley: Perhaps if you charged your phone you might get some calls.
    Kingsley: Aw man ! Do I have to do everything ? You don’t fancy putting down that vacuum cleaner and getting me another beer ?

    The conversation is interrupted by the sound of a heavy object hitting the side of Kingsley’s head at a high velocity.

    Kingsley: I’ll take that as a “no” then
    Queensley: silence
    Kingsley: OK. I’ll see what I can do about a job. I’ll just check this scratch card first
    Queensley: Looks a bit unusual. Who is it from ?

    Kingsley examines it

    Kingsley: champman0102.co.uk. Never heard of them, probably a bunch of cowboys

    The conversation is interrupted by the sound of frantic scratching of a coin on cardboard.

    Kingsley: Oh my god ! You are not going to believe this ….
    Queensley: Your not going to actually move from that chair are you ?
    Kingsley: I’ve only gone and won the “golden ticket”
    Queensey: And what exactly does that get us ?
    Kingsley: I don’t know, but there’s a web site to visit and leave a message with some dude called “Mark”
    Queensley: So that will be the square root of fuck all then
    Kingsley: Don’t give me hard sums. You know I’m not good with Maths. I’ll see what this Mark wants in the morning ….. now that I’m a lottery winner, what about that beer ?

    The conversation is ended by the sound of a heavy object hitting the side of Kingsley’s head at a high velocity.
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

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  3. #2
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    He's back baby!!

    I'll even forgive the dig at Rafa as well!!


  4. #3
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    Great to see you starting another story mate, I won't go into listing Rafa's honours

  5. #4
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    Looking forward to this...

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    Life’s A Lottery

    Phone: Oh Maryhill. Is wonderful …
    Queensley: It’s your phone. Good to see you charged it
    Phone: Oh Maryhill is won-der-ful …
    Queensley: Are you going to answer that ?
    Phone: It’s the home of Partick Thistle …
    Queensley: Right ! I’ll do that as well as everything else
    Phone: Oh Maryhill is won-der-ful
    Queensley: Kingsley’s phone. Queensley speaking.
    Phone: I need to speak to Kingsley
    Queensley: Who is this please
    Phone: Mark
    Queensley: Mark who ?
    Phone: Just Mark. No surname and that may or may not be my real name. I’m a shady character and need to keep up an air of shadiness.
    Queensley: Kingsley get here now. Some bloke called Mark and he sounds as if you don’t want to mess with him.

    There is a short delay, but from the phone you can hear the sound of Delilah playing in the background

    Kingsley: Kingsley here
    Mark: It’s about your golden ticket
    Kingsley: Yes I’ve got it here. What have I won ?
    Mark: First we need to verify the ticket. Can you look on the back and read me the serial number of the ticket
    Kingsley: That’s strange …. It is just number 1
    Mark[: Good. You might be a serial gambler, but we don’t want to take any chances. Congratulations ! you are the winner.
    Kingsley: Great ! But what exactly have I won ?

    The background music changes to We’ll be with you

    Mark: This is not a normal lottery. You have won yourself a job as a manager of a football club
    Kingsley: No way ! Do I get to choose ?
    Mark: No. That would be far too easy …. But in a way, yes. This job does have some strings attached, but it is in keeping with your compulsive gambling addiction.
    Kingsley: You’ve lost me already.
    Mark: First lets find you a club. We have selected 16 possibles and we have a random number generator. Lets start it running. You have number 2
    Kingsley: Is that good ?
    Mark: Congratulations. You are the manager of Carpi Football Club 1909
    Kingsley: Who ?
    Mark: We will be sending you a one way ticket to Bologna. You can find your own way from there.

    A bit of background. The other teams on the list were

    Atlanta
    Carpi
    Chievo
    Cambuur
    Darmstadt
    De Graafschap
    Empoli
    Estoril
    Excelsior
    Ingolstad
    Pacos de Ferreira
    Rio Ave
    Roda
    Sassuolo
    Tondela
    Verona

    I was looking for a low reputation club, in a top league, so that (I hope) this would not become a win-fest. For reasons that will become apparent there had to be no foreign player restrictions and the league must use the international transfer windows created in the Tapani 2.21 patch. That pointed to Germany, Holland, Italy or Portugal, hence the above list of clubs. I still wanted some randomness, so this website is used for all the “lotteries” as we go along.

    https://www.random.org/

    I have selected all playable leagues in foreground, to maximise the player pool and (if I ever get there) provide more realism in Europe. As well as the Tapani 2.21 patch, I also have the April 2016 data update. I think that the story will end when I get the sack.

    Based on that, I think I'm quite happy with Carpi. It certainly fits the image of the sort of club I wanted.
    Kingsley: So that's it ? I just go off to manage this Carpi mob ?
    Mark: Ha ! Sadly not. Or that is to say you can to an extent until the current transfer window closes. However while you are free to do use any tactics you like, there will be no transfers until the window closes. You must use the current squad for now.
    Kingsley: And what then ?
    Mark: As soon as the transfer window closes, we make 2 lotteries. The first will be from the list of default tactics known to all managers. You don't need to use the default, but it must look exactly like that default, with the same positions and arrows. That will come out as a number from 1-17. This tactic you must use from when the first match after next transfer window opens. This should give you a chance to recruit the players that you need.
    Kingsley: Easy enough, as long as we don't get a bloody Sweeper. Am I free to recruit who I like ?
    Mark: Clearly you don't understand us yet. We have listed the 209 nationalities (countries like Yugoslavia, Russian Federation and Czechoslovakia have been removed). We will draw a lottery of one of these countries and you can only recruit players with that first or second nationality. Every time a transfer window closes, we will randomly select a new nation and tactic.
    Kingsley: And what about staff ?
    Mark: The same rule applies, but we are fair, so if you lose your last Assistant, Coach, Scout or Physio, you can recruit 1, but only from Italy and they must be unemployed.
    Kingsley: Harsh ! What if I say “No ! Stuff your job”
    Mark: We will send 2 one way tickets to Bologna. One for you and one for Queensley.
    Kingsley: You bastard. I'll do it.

    The background music changes to a group chanting We hate Vale. We hate Vale

    Mark: One thing to remember. The chairman will be expecting you, but doesn't know anything about our arrangement.
    Kingsley: By the way, if that was the first prize, what was the second ?
    Mark: Replicate the career of Rafa Benitez
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

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  8. #6
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    Haha, love it - I can see this being a tricky one if you get a ridiculous formation and/or continue to get ridiculous nations for recruitment

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  10. #7
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    Ooof. Secretly hoping you get 3 at the back and Azerbaijan. You like a challenge right?
    Last edited by Fourfourtwo; 29-04-16 at 11:48 AM.

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  12. #8
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    I'm looking forward to seeing a sweeper from the Maldives

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  14. #9
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    Had to read the stipulations twice to get it but think I have a handle on it now.

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  16. #10
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    I don't foresee many transfers happening in this story!

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  18. #11
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    Will keep an eye on this!

    442 defensive and Saudi!

  19. #12
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    Hmmm. Saudi Arabia might present a problem :-)
    Lets hope I'm lucky !
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

  20. #13
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    Life’s A Lottery

    It is not a long flight to Bologna Gugliermo Marconi Airport. Even on Ryanair, there is still some feeling in your legs when you land. The trouble with such a short flight is that I had to choose between learing some basic Italian or finding out about Carpi FC. I chose the former as you can sleep through some tart gabbling incoherently through my headphones, but you need to have your eyes open to read about a football club. As soon as the Ryanair baggage handlers had finished destroying my possessions, I realised my mistake.


    I was in Bologna, but had no idea where I was going. I had never heard of Carpi and had no idea if it was a place of its own, or a district of Bologna or just an office team. I also wondered if I might have written it down wrong and I was supposed to be in Capri. There were buses or taxi's or hire cars available, but none are much use if you don't know where your heading. Then I saw something else, a restaurant. My choice was made. If I was going to be living here, I might as well embrace the local delicacies.


    Having filled my belly, it was time to find Carpi. Using my best Italian I summoned over the waiter.

    Kingsley: Where crappy football club is ?

    He couldn't speak much English, but managed to tell me that he was a Parma fan, but gave me directions to the Bologna ground. I decided to get a hire car. I found the Stadio Renato Dall'Ara quite easily. The door to the office was more difficult to find and only mentioned “Bologna FC 1909”. I was pretty sure this was the wrong place, so using my best Italian I asked the receptionist.

    Kingsley: Where crappy football club is ?
    Receptionist: You want to goto Cesena for them.

    Although she looked down on me as if I was something left by a stray dog, she did give me directions. It was about 1 hour away down the E45.
    I found the Stadio Dino Manzui quite easily, but again I was sure I was at the wrong place as the office door only mentioned “A.C. Cesena”. Once again I called on my best Italian and asked the receptionist.

    Kingsley: Where crappy football club is ?
    Receptionist: You want to goto Bologna for them.

    Can I just say that by luck, Carpi has turned out to be a great choice and I haven't played a game yet !
    Fortunately she spoke a bit of english and I explained that I had just come from Bologna and that I was looking for Carpi. She gave me directions to a town about 1 hour the other side of Bologna, turn right at Modena. This time I knew I was getting closer as the sign at the entrance to the town actually said “CARPI”. It took a bit of driving to find it, but eventually I stopped outside the Stadio Comunale Sandro Cabassi. This was it ! I had arrived !


    Except that it looked run down, and there was no sign of any life or prospect of playing football here anytime soon. After a bit of a search, I found a note on a door. I managed to translate

    “Closed for refurbishment. All enquiries to Stadio Alberto Braglia, Modena”

    This is becoming a joke. I've just sodding come from there.

    Why is it that I always end up at clubs who have just changed their grounds ? East Stirling and St.Mirren in the Sir Alex story immediately come to mind
    I turned round the car and headed to Modena and the Stadio Alberto Braglia. The door to the office was open, so this time I went in with confidence, although my Italian had not improved.

    Kingsley: Where crappy football club is ?

    Before she could reply, I was distracted by the whiff of cheep aftershave, a flash of shiny white teeth and a well groomed chest wig


    ?: Welcome to Carpi FC 1909. You must be Kingsley. I've heard a lot about you. Did you find us easily ?

    Being a Brit, there was only 1 reply possible

    Kingsley: No problems ! Sorry, you are ?
    Stefano: Apologies. Stefano Bonacini, club chairman. Let me give you a history of Carpi FC.
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

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  22. #14
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    Bit of a journey to get there but now its time to settle in!

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  24. #15
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    Ha! Genius.

    Hope petrol is cheap in Italy!!

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  26. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by ebfatz View Post
    Ha! Genius.

    Hope petrol is cheap in Italy!!
    Wack it on expenses.

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  28. #17
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    I hope the hire car is a Fiat

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  30. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by AMC View Post
    I hope the hire car is a Fiat
    Right next to Maranello where they make Ferrari ! I very much doubt it as trunky says, I was putting it on expenses and their wasn't much choice left

    I don't know what the deal is with expenses. It might be Mark picking up the tab.
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

  31. #19
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    Life’s A Lottery


    Stefano then told me the history of Carpi FC (Imaginitively known as I Biancorossi). He certainly knew his stuff, but his style did sound a bit like a Wikipedia entry. It is an amazing story, the sort of “rags to riches” that most people have managed themselves !

    I have checked and in the original ODB, Carpi were a Lower League side with just 11 players registered. CM Scout rates only 3 of them over 40% and the keeper is just 26.62%. Anyway, that's another story !
    Stefano: The club was founded in the summer of 1909 by local student Adolfo Fanconi as “Jucunditas” (Latin for "gaiety"), and changed their name to Associazione Calcio Carpi a few years later. Carpi played three seasons in the Italian Football Championship, the precursor to Serie A, from the 1919–20 season until 1921–22. Starting from the 1930s, they mostly played between Serie C and Serie D. Carpi achieved their best result in 1997, a third-placed finish under coach Luigi De Canio which allowed them to play the Serie B promotion playoffs, which they lost to Monza. The club folded in 2000 following relegation to Serie D and subsequent bankruptcy.

    A new club, named Calcio Carpi, was formed and started playing in the Eccellenza Emilia–Romagna. The club assumed their current name, Carpi FC 1909 2002, following promotion to Serie D and a merger with the second team of the city, Dorando Pietri Carpi, who had also reached Serie D.

    At the end of the 2009–10 season, through play-offs due to the number of teams in financial difficulty, the club was admitted into Lega Pro Seconda Divisione. In 2010–11, the club's first season in the higher division, it was promoted again to Lega Pro Prima Divisione. In the 2011–12 season, as a result of the work being done on their stadium, the Sandro Cabassi, the team played in the Mapei Stadium*– Cittŕ del Tricolore.

    In the season 2012–13 the team was promoted from Lega Pro Prima Divisione to Serie B for the first time ever when they defeated Lecce in the Girone A Play-off Final 2–1 on aggregate. This was the club's third promotion in just four seasons.

    Carpi FC's first ever fixture at Serie B level ended in a 1–0 defeat away to Ternana on 24 August 2013. Their first win came in the manner of a 2–0 victory at Spezia courtesy of goals from Fabio Concas & Roberto Inglese. Carpi's first season in Serie B ended in a 12th-place finish, only 3 points away from a Promotion play-off place, ensuring their place for another season.

    The 2014–15 Serie B campaign saw Carpi, managed by experienced coach Fabrizio Castori, completing the first half of the season (21 games) surprisingly in first place, with a record 43 points and a nine-point advantage over second-placed Frosinone. On 28 April 2015, after a goalless draw with Bari, the club gained a historic first promotion to Serie A.

    For Serie A Carpi had to move to Stadio Alberto Braglia for their home games as The Cabassi did not meet Serie A regulations. They share the ground with Modena


    While he was talking, we had gradually walked round the office, pausing only at the multitude of mirrors that allowed Steffano a chance to check on his grooming.

    We ended up outside a door with sign which read Capo Allenatore and underneath it, Fabrizio Castori. I guess it was my puzzled look which prompted

    Steffano: It all happened very quickly. We haven't had a chance to change the name plate yet. I'll have Allegro order a new one today. She is the club secretary, so feel free to use her for anything you need. She's very helpful and always tries to please.

    My eyes lit up at the prospect and possibilities that might be on offer. There is afterall a tradition that needs to be maintained. Steffano opened a door across the corridor from my own.

    Steffano: Allegro, Kingsley has arrived

    Hey ! This is one of my stories ….. I'm allowed one !
    Spoiler!


    Steffano: Do you have the keys for Kingsleys club car ? We can't have him frittering away my money on that Ferrari. It's the yellow one in the carpark. I hope you find it appropriate for the job.

    Spoiler!


    I can't help feeling that I might have been better off with a secratery named Capri and an Allegro for a car ….. Then again, maybe not.

    Introductions completed, I settled into my office to get down to some work. I have to say that Fabrizio Castori may have left in a hurry, but he appears to have been very well organised. There was a pile of paperwork detailing every player in the squad, with colour coded postit notes that hilighted injuries, loans and other comments. I decided to start with a review of this data. I was immediately concerned to see that 13 of the 35 man squad were only here on loan. Not a great start

    Looking first at the keepers. The good news was that I did atleast have 3, and 2 of them were full internationals. The bad news was that the 2 best keepers were on season long loans, and would need to be replaced within the next 12 months .


    Looking closer, although Vid Belek has a full cap for Slovenia, he is probably behind the other 2 in terms of ability. Not bad for a back-up, but I wouldn't like to depend on him for any length of time. His contract is up next summer, so I think that an extension is probably a priority.

    There isn't much to choose between the 2 loanees. Simone Colombi will probably be the 1st choice due to superior handling and fitness, despite Zeljko Brkic having the experience of 10 Serbian caps and better agility. If I can hold onto these 2 until next summer, I think we'll do alright.

    Key Player


    Onto the defenders and my attention was immediately drawn to the red postit against Croatian international loanee Igor Bubnjic.


    It turns out that he will be out of action for 11 months with damaged cruciate ligaments. I'm sorry for the lad as he is obviously a decent player, but WHAT THE **** are we doing giving a loan to a lad who will never play for us ? Before looking any further, I called Steffano

    Kingsley: What's the story with Bubnjic ?
    Steffano: He's a decent player and good influence in the dressing room
    Kingsley: I don't give a **** if he's as funny as James Cordon and as motivational as Steve Peters. He's not going to play for us and I want him gone.
    Steffano: Unfortunately we have a contract
    Kingsley: Fortunately you are legendary for having dodgy lawyers. Get rid.
    Steffano: OK. He will be gone in the morning.

    That sorted, I could separate the wheat from the chaff. It was a shame about Bubnjic as fit, he would probably be my best defender. Of the rest, the old warhorse Christian Zaccardo was head and shoulders my stand out. He oozed class and still had the stamina to charge up and down the right flank, although he was probably better in the centre. Ricardo Gagliolo, Raphael Martinho and Simone Romagnoli could all do a decent job.

    Assuming that Zaccardo played in the centre, it left Steffano Sabelli a clear run for the right back spot. He can play either side, but is very right footed. I do have a slight concern over his fitness in the final 15 minutes of a game.

    On the left, Fabio Daprela is probably the pick and I know that he will run all day. Gaglio and Martinho can provide cover.

    Of the rest, Letizia has the versatility to earn a place on the bench, but the rest, including the 2 on loan, are just filling places in the squad. I'm not sure how long Zaccardo will play on for, but with Daprella leaving for Chievo next summer and Sabelli only here on loan, it will leave us short on numbers unless I can bring in some new faces. Sperotto and Boron are into the final year of their contracts, so I might try to sell them on to generate some cash.

    Key Player


    The midfield situation does not make great reading. 6 in on loan and unless I pull some back, only 4 of my own players to select from. True, some of the defenders can step forward, but I'm hardly over stocked there either.


    Again it's not hard to pick out the star. Jonathan de Guzman has 14 caps for the Dutch and I can't imagine what he is doing here. Providing I can hold onto him, he will be the first name on the team sheet. Filipo Porcari and Raffaele Bianco are the likely men to play beside him, if I go for a 4 man midfield.

    I like the look of Antonio Di Guadio on the left wing, although Martinho might challenge him, stepping forward from defence. Isaac Cofie, an uncapped Ghanaian is the only viable option for the right wing, although that is through a lack of any options rather than any of his own ability.

    That leaves Simone Verdi who is a huge talent and I think is destined for greater things. He can play anywhere, but I have a hunch that his best possition might be as a false number 9 behind a striker. (Everyone has to have a false number 9 these days.)

    Sabbione, Torelli, Crimi, Fedele, Lollo and Hiwat are highly unlikely to feature unless I am desparate. Rafaelle Bianco is in the final year of his contract.

    Key Players


    Up front the story is much the same and I will be dependant on loned players hanging around.


    That said, while we all hope that Eddy Gnahore will have his first cap for Ivory Coast whe he returns, he and Matteo Mancosu can be called on if needed, but Kevin Lasagne and Nigerian Jerry Mbakogu will be battling for the prize of partnering Verdi in attack. Neither are great finishers, or brilliant in the air, but Lasagne has the pace that just gives him the edge.

    Key Players


    I had just finished the reviev when, as if by magic, Steffano put his gorgeous head of hair round my door.

    Steffano: So what do you think ?
    Kingsley: It's a bit crappy
    Steffano: You mean Carpi
    Kingsley: No, I got it right this time. Still, the forward line looks tasty
    Steffano: How do you mean ?
    Kingsley: Lasagne Verdi.
    Last edited by Kingsley; 08-05-16 at 02:01 PM.
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

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  33. #20
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    Worth it just for the final two words of the update.

    Bit of a rag tag bunch. Now to find out the first nationality!

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  35. #21
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    Loaning a guy who's out for a year

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  37. #22
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    Haha, think this is a really funny story. Will follow and looking forward for the first country reveal

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  39. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by ebfatz View Post
    Worth it just for the final two words of the update.

    Bit of a rag tag bunch. Now to find out the first nationality!
    If it's Vanuatu, this might be a very short story. I think that I need about 12 players just to break even, and then there will be some total crap in the backups.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fourfourtwo View Post
    Loaning a guy who's out for a year
    I'd love to know the real story behind this one

    Quote Originally Posted by ThePsi View Post
    Haha, think this is a really funny story. Will follow and looking forward for the first country reveal
    Thanks for honouring me with your 5th post. I'm glad you are enjoying it. I didn't know anything about Carpi, but it turns out to be a bit of a gold mine for this type of story.
    I know all the readers want some diddy nation like Tibet or Montserrat, but atleast for now, I need something to work with. I'd settle for Spain or Italy
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

  40. #24
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    De Guzman? At tiny Crapi? Blimey!

  41. #25
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    Life's A Lottery

    Yep - JDG was great at Swans but they priced him out of a move to there on perm - should be your set piece taker for sure

    Attack looks great - 2 up top sorted as a formation! (if you are lucky with the randomiser!)

    Also hard to know who to bring/get rid of with an as of yet unknown tactic!
    Last edited by Redknapp69; 07-05-16 at 01:01 AM.

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