View Full Version : [STORY] A Golden and Fearless Ambition

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21-08-13, 04:56 PM
Ok, i can live with that girl :D And how long is my injury?

21-08-13, 05:03 PM
Ok, i can live with that girl :D And how long is my injury?

Was three weeks, so you were 'fit' the week after the replay lol

21-08-13, 05:04 PM
Ok thanks, no need to lol ;)

21-08-13, 05:09 PM
Ok thanks, no need to lol ;)

Just found it somewhat tragically funny, the man who scored the decisive goal to take us there is injured, but comes back a few days after the replay. It was so disheartening that the Hemphill goal was disallowed and Ediz really didn't do a 'Kowalinho' inspired performance.

21-08-13, 05:34 PM

Post-Season Review
With Manager Niko Bergstrom!

After a successful season in which the club sealed the English Conference title, as well as being a Finalist in the FA Trophy, denied by an own goal in a replay, the season is officially over for the latest club in England. Now Post-season, it is time to get to see what the manager thinks of each player: they're effectiveness over the season, they're role over the season, a recap over they're season, the thoughts of the manager on the players as well as the future think they can have with the club. Plus, we can to see the Manager's Player of The Year, Manager's Young Player of the Year, Manager's Worst Player of the Year and the Fans Player of the Year as well as start the voting for the players themselves to award their peers with different awards.

Player Review:

Baz – Niel Barry
Effective: 'Relished in the left-back position, though was very inconsistent in some games. Young and has already played for the Wales B Team, and was effective working on the left hand side.'
Role: 'First choice left, sometimes played as back up centre back in case of injuries, out of form, or suspension.'
Recap: 'Started well, and got better over the course of the season. Started to help on the attacking sides, getting some assists under his belt and a good enough passing rating.'
Thoughts: 'A great left back whose fitness was spot on, never really lacked any fitness throughout the season, with his 3 match ban really negatively weakening the team in a position in which we lack.'
Future: 'I want to keep him, and developing him further as our first team left-back. Young and certainty got a lot of potential.'

BobMem – Bob Mem
Effective: 'Formed a solid partnership with Hoolihan, which made them first team choice for the two centre half positions. Helped us out a lot, especially in making sure we only conceeded 34 goals over the course of the season.'
Role: 'First team centre back with Hoolihan, becoming an important defensive player. And vice-captain with a high inspirational spirit.'
Recap: 'A solid consistent performance over the season, in which he was capped for Cyprus in the U21 team. Is one of the elder team members, but disappointing in his decision to want to leave the club.'
Thoughts: 'A good defender and was a certain candidate for the captains armband at the start of the season, will become an important player for his country in the future. Major f:censored:ing pissed off he wants to leave the club!'
Future: 'He wants to leave the club, which is possible for a fee higher then £1 million, otherwise will look into trying to appease in the future and be an integral part of the team come the start of the next season – though if still wanting to leave, will become viable.'

Clayton, Mark – Mark Clayton
Effective: 'A great defensive player whose eyes for a pass helped earn more points, perfect tackling rating.'
Role: 'Was at first a rotated player, until he became consistent and The Eejit started to have fitness issues among other things. Well earned his spot as the first choice defensive midfielder.'
Recap: 'Started as a possible squad player, but started to get more momentum as the season went on. Had the odd bad day at the banks, but always kept a calmed head and kept doing his job.'
Thoughts: 'One of the elders in the team, and is a clear game changer on his day. Seemingly found players 30 yards ahead simply, and set up a few goals which helped get results our way.'
Future: 'Major part of the plans for next season, hope to hang onto him as a large number of midfielders are coming into the squad for next season. Will be crucial to tactics and will have a major cap in the next season.'

Ediz, Volkan – Volkan Edz
Effectiveness: ' At the start of the season, scored for fun but lacked the consistency to break majority into the team. Was played majority due to work permit issues.'
Role: 'Third-choice striker but at first was the main man. Helped set up some goals for Zbimg, but lacked to add as much depth as others.'
Recap: 'Started the season brightly, but began to fade throughout – with sometimes showing glimpses of his true skill – but wasn't really consistent enough to make a mark, come on as a sub or was subbed when played due to that fact, play most of his game to ensure his work permit would still be viable.'
Thoughts: 'Was out of this beginning of the season, but seemed to lose that fire. Hoped he would regain it, but never really did. Still scored 12 goals, but not enough to become a pivotal member of the team.'
Future: 'Would be sold if a good offer comes in, however would be content for him to fight for his position.'

Hemphill, Fraser – Fraser Hemphill
Effectiveness: 'Brilliant. Was the bright spark in the team, especially from set pieces. He has made 24 goals, as well as scoring 7 over the course of the season.'
Role: 'Captain and first choice right wing.'
Recap: 'Started well and finished that way, his presence was always felt in the team's attack, and was a pivotal part of the attacking cog.'
Thoughts: 'One of the better players in the team, and is a determined and loyal lad. Could become a legend at the Boltsky Stadium, and is the local boy. Captain for a reason as he was the spearhead for most attacks – forming a deadly alliance with O'Toibin on the wings.'
Future: 'Not for sale, and will continue his role as captain and first-choice winger. No offer can change my decision, and the player seems happy to stay.'

Henderson, Mark – Mark Henderson
Effectiveness: 'Didn't really make a large mark but did impress with a good run of games and his versatilty to be able to be played on both wings and full back positions.'
Role: 'Being young, was the second choice between both wings as well as cover for both full-backs. Though his form was inconsistent, making him unable to really making a shout for any position permanently.'
Recap: 'Has played a decent amount of games, and will develop over the course of the future. Gradually got more confident and better over the season.'
Thoughts: 'A player which I want to succeeded, like I have with Mikka Savolainen at HyPS. At first he was getting the odd job, but gradually became on the better players in the team – which is what I want to do with Henderson.'
Future: 'Continue the role which he has earned this season, and maybe become a cup game player if form is good enough. Want to develop into a legend for the club, as the club needs legends for the future generations to look upon.'

Hernandez, Jose – Jose Francisco Garcia Hernandez Rodriguez
Effectiveness: 'Formed a good understanding with Hemphill on the right, which will hopefully develop over the course of the next season.'
Role: 'First choice right back.'
Recap: 'Throughout the season I was trying to establish my best back line, with Liam in the middle and Hernandez on the right and vice-a-versa. In the end he made it his own and the back four started that way, with Liam becoming a lesser role.'
Thoughts: 'Very good right back, but needs to be more of an attacking threat in the future, which will come over time. Young, but has the most retarded name ever!'
Future: 'Staying at the club, unless really good offer comes in.'

Hoolihan, Roddy – Roddy Hoolihan
Effectiveness: 'Made a great partnership with BobMem in the heart of the defence, was the more reliable one.'
Role: 'First choice centre-back.'
Recap: 'Formed a superb partnership with BobMem which help keep the amount of clean sheets up as well as the amount of goals to a good amount. He is somewhat unlucky with injuries, but it never interfered with his performance.'
Thoughts: 'A great defender and was easily one of the best in the league – forming the best partnership in the league with BobMem. Reliable and loyal.'
Future: 'Want to keep with BobMem to keep the partnership, but if BobMem leaves will still stay as first choice centre-back.'

Kowalinho – Kacper Kowalcyzk
Effectiveness: 'Formed a superb partnership with Zbimg, and was integral to the team's playing style. He scored a lot of important goals, and was a keen finisher for the side, though consistency wasn't always there.'
Role: 'Second to partner Zbimg, but was stuck there for the majority of the season – though his personal life interfered too much with his professional.'
Recap: 'Started off well but was drained out by Ediz and Zbimg, and soon disappeared as his 'quest' became more important then the football. Shockingly announced his intention to leave the club when becoming a major force in the team.'
Thoughts: 'What a f:censored:ing prick! After helping him, he wants to leave despite the importance he has. Has the most retarded name EVER! Needs a reality check – but has a bright future and will become big. I have respect for him, as well as disgust at the same time.'
Future: 'Will reluctantly sell him for a good price: £850k-£1.5million region and has enough interest in him, but just needing the right stupid team to offer the money. Would love to keep at the team, as he would help get us into the Second Division – which is the goal for the next season!'

Liam – Liam Hatch
Effectiveness: 'Has had a good season, though was in and out of the team. Never really under-performed just over players out-played him.'
Role: 'Second choice right back, third choice centre-back – in and out of the team during rotation periods of the team selection.'
Recap: 'Stuck to the task when needed, and helped out though could have continue his form longer in order to have a larger role within the team.'
Thoughts: 'Definitely a good young talent, which will only get better over time. Will became a good defender for Ireland.'
Future: 'Want to keep to carry on his development for the team, would play the same role though rotation might be stronger if BobMem leaves. Wouldn't sell for any price as I want to make him into a top player for the club ala Henderson.'

O'Toibin, Diarmuid – Diarmuid O'Toibin
Effectiveness: 'Was a crucial player on the left wing, and helped win important games again and again, though was inconsistent with the amount of times he would step up to the level again and again.'
Role: 'First choice left winger.'
Recap: 'A strong season where he made the left wing for himself, majority became more important towards the end of the season especially in the league.'
Thoughts: 'A great young underrated player, who I think will become a great player for the club over the course of the next few seasons.'
Future: 'Sure to stick at the club, with a lack of teams being interested. Will stick to the role of first choice left winger, though competition might come into the squad for more depth.'

Shepard – John Shepard Vanderloo
Effectiveness: 'A great consistent goalkeeper who only made a few mistakes over the course of the season. Was reliable to keep us in the important games, except for the original FA Trophy Final game.'
Role: 'First choice goalkeeper.'
Recap: 'Started off as being second choice, until being given his chance to which he took like a teenage girl with Daddy issues takes to a strip pole.'
Thoughts: 'The best thing to come out of Canada since Avril Lavigne.'
Future: 'Staying as my first choice keeper – simple! Would become an important member of the Canadian national team in the next year – if they are not all dead by then.'

Sulonen, Hannu – Hannu Sulonen
Effectiveness: 'None.'
Role: 'None.'
Recap: 'Played a couple of times, but never impressed like he should have.'
Thoughts: ' Had the potential to be a creative member of the team but never clicked, and with the form of the exceptional Wato, was never really going to break into the team. Shockingly, he was a completely different during his stint as Thes Sport.'
Future: 'Sold to Portsmouth.'

The Eejit – The Eejit (not f:censored:ing typing that long ass name out!!)
Effectiveness: 'The bad ass anchor man, who bullied the opposition and would laugh at them – or would if he was inconsistent, had no stamina and had more injuries then cookie monster had cookies.'
Role: 'Second choice defensive midfielder, though if was fight could have competed for first.'
Recap: 'Spent more time on his ass in the physio office, or in a girl's g-spot then on the pitch!'
Thoughts: 'If he gets his priorities straight, could be a great player for the club! Has the stupidest name in existence and before that! No more shagging female referees.'
Future: 'No-one wants him so will stay here, though I would keep him and use him if FIT and CONSISTENT enough!'

Van der Voom, Henrik – Henrik Van der Voom
Effectiveness: 'Great cup run due to his goals, and a great super sub. Great versatility when it was needed also.'
Role: 'Cup striker, third/fourth choice striker, super-sub.'
Recap: 'Was great during the cup games, and when on from the bench. He was the only player I felt sorry for over the season as Zbimg stole the limelight, and he wasn't given the chance he should have had!'
Thoughts: 'Given the chance could be as good as Zbimg!'
Future: 'Will be second choice if Ediz leaves, playing alongside Zbimg if Kowalinho leaves. Will play more next season, and will be given a more fair amount of opportunities to show his skill and talent to the team.'

Vasily, Artur – Artur Vasily
Effectiveness: 'None.'
Role: 'Second choice midfielder.'
Recap: 'Played well but couldn't go up against the superior Wato.'
Thoughts: 'Hasn't really brought anything to the style of play, though has done more then Sulonen.'
Future: 'If price comes in, might leave – might be given more of a chance next season.'

Wato, Eddy – Eddy Wato
Effectiveness: 'Scored vital goals from the midfield and helped build a bridge between attack and defence.'
Role: 'First choice center midfielder, which he relished during the final tactic!'
Recap: 'A brilliant season in which he showed Lampard-esque runs and attacking abilities, which if developed could add another dimension to the style of play for the team, and another source of goals to look for if strikers fail to turn up.'
Thoughts: 'One of my favourite players as his timing for goals was outstanding, virtually got us a few wins himself. If he developed even more then came become a midfield goal machine for us!'
Future: 'Staying at the club and will stay being awesome!'

Wood, John – John Wood
Effectiveness: 'Warmed the seats up well on the bench.'
Role: 'Bench warmer.'
Recap: 'Let in 4 goals on his debut and was then given minimal chances due to Shepard's consistency.'
Thoughts: 'Could be a good player, but maybe not here. Will be a good second choice if he develops well enough.'
Future: 'Will stick as the second choice keeper, unless others come in, in which he would be loaned out.'

Zannit, Terrance – Terrance Zannit
Effectiveness: 'The person who I wanted to f:censored:ing punch the most!'
Role: 'Possible punching bag!'
Recap: 'Attitude stunk and so did his performances.'
Thoughts: 'Has probably the most potential and talent in the squad, but his attitude ruins it all!'
Future: 'Torn between keeping him for depth, or selling him if someone is stupid enough to want him!'

Zbimg, Lorenzo – Lorenzo Zbimg
Effectiveness: 'The man who won us the title, and the man who took us to the semi-finals with his goals!'
Role: 'Killer striker!'
Recap: 'Started off slowly with the rotation until he scored five goals in one game, and it all changed. Scored 37 goals in over 40 appearances, 39 of which are starts.'
Thoughts: 'Best player in the league, best player in the team, and probably all-time goalscorer. He is loyal and hasn't battered an eye-lid towards the attention he is getting from the higher leagued teams!'
Future: 'Keep finding the monster and watch the destruction to continually wreck all the opposition in his way!'

Seasonal Review:

'I was given a task to take this club to the next division. I did it, but it wasn't my own work – it was the players – but even though we did win that one obligation, I will always carry on in my career knowing that it was one mistake, one shot, one moment that stole the deserved cup from my clutches. The final will always resonate in my mind, and I need to overcome it.'

'I am an experienced rookie manager, who is still learning his way, and with this club I feel like I am learning with the club rather then against it. I want to become a pivotal figure in this club's history, and for the sad day I will leave – I know I can leave in the hands of someone who won't destroy what I have nurtured.'

'Therefore this season was the first test, and I feel I just got by – by the skin of my teeth! And so I need to work harder so that I can succeed in the next task 100%. I don't know what Yermolai wants yet, but I know what I want. Another title, and an another shot at a Trophy – not the final – but the actual f:censored:ing Trophy!'


'I can't buy players, I can only sign ones that I can get for free – I am ignoring the rules that Yermolai put on me. Bosman is the way forward. The majority of the signings will be defence and midfield, two areas in which I felt needed depth last season, and would be good for the team for competition. I am aiming for the best possible, and that is what I need these players for – rotation for the League, Vans Trophy, FA Cup and the League Cup.'


Manager's Player of the Year:
1st Lorenzo Zbimg
2nd Shepard
3rd Mark Clayton

Manager's Young Player of the Year (age of 16-18):
1st Kowalinho
2nd Mark Henderson
3rd Baz

Worst Player of the Year:
1st Terrance Zannit
2nd Hannu Sulonen

Player Awards:

For these awards, the players get to vote to whom they think best represents that category, though should be warned cannot vote for themselves. Reply with your choice of the team, and the results will be processed fully.

Player's Player of the Year:

Player's Young Player of the Year:

Player's Biggest Character in the Team:

Player's Most Controversial Player in the Team:

Player's Worst Player in the Team:

Player's Most Surprising Player of the Year:

Player's Best Moment of the Year:

Player's Weirdest Moment of the Year:

Player's Most Important Player in the Team:

Please post the responses below, in which during that time the kits for next season would most likely by announced along side any future signings. Keep tuned to Newark Athletic – Fearlessly We March.

21-08-13, 05:40 PM
"Has the most retarded name EVER!" You f:censored:n serious?

Player's Player of the Year:
Player's Young Player of the Year:
Player's Biggest Character in the Team:
Player's Most Controversial Player in the Team:
Player's Worst Player in the Team:
Player's Most Surprising Player of the Year:
Player's Best Moment of the Year:
Goal for the final in FA Trophy
Player's Weirdest Moment of the Year:
His name being called retarded
Player's Most Important Player in the Team:

And to not forget, i want to stay at club ;)

21-08-13, 05:42 PM
:P :D

22-08-13, 10:27 AM
Scores what is arguably the goal of the season then gets dropped ..... not even on the bench ..... for the next game.

Not convinced that the manager appreciates his fighting spirit.

Thinks that football in general needs more female referees.

PS. Will look at the awards later when I have more time to devote thoughtful consideration.

Baron Zbimg
22-08-13, 11:01 AM
Absolutely awesome recap Zan, nice to see where everyone stands. Hopefully we'll manage to keep everyone. Van der Voom definitely deserves more playing time, he looks good and scores goals.

Player's Player of the Year: Fraser Hemphill

Player's Young Player of the Year: O'Toibin

Player's Biggest Character in the Team: The Eejit

Player's Most Controversial Player in the Team: Kowalczyk

Player's Worst Player in the Team: Zannit

Player's Most Surprising Player of the Year: Eddy Wato

Player's Best Moment of the Year: Kowalczyk saves the day

Player's Weirdest Moment of the Year: Then wants to leave

Player's Most Important Player in the Team: Hoolihan

22-08-13, 06:09 PM


Newark Athletic Showcase New Kit, New Players and Planned Pre-season

Posted 30th June 2013

Despite the award ceremony happening days before the start of their pre-season, in which the team members of last season are still voting for their own personified awards, Newark Athletic have announced a string of new information coming into their début season into the Npower League Two.

Coming off the bat of their successful and historic season, in which the new club won the English Conference title and enforced a Final replay in the FA Trophy, the club has now announced the latest home and away kits as well as new players who will be looking to shine for the Fearless Warriors.

Red and Gold: Glorious season past for a glorious season for the future?

The manufactures of the kit, Do You Football, announced they had prolonged their contract for another two years along side the sponsorship deal with EA. But instead of the Red and White home kit which premièred last season, the manufactures had decided to change the colours to Red and Gold.

“After the success of last season for the club, we wanted to promote the 'Golden' image of the club, by inheriting it into the home kit whilst still holding onto the Red and White imagery the club wants to be identified for.”

Said designer Vlaad Alphakenny. “It was important for the staff to design it along side the same image of the club's success, trying to recapture the glory within the club's identity.”

Alongside the golden entrails, are specks of white which sit with the next EA game to sponsor the kit – Battlefield 4. The club do retain the image of 'black and white' for the away kit, which looks more detailed then the version used last season.

Black and White: Contrast between last seasons kits

“Last year we did a rather simplistic away kit, so for this year we wanted to add a little more to the design so that it has it's very own image!”

With the main colour being black, the collar and right arm have prominence of white leaving the same kind of impression clear.

“This year is going to be a new season, and a new start for the club, so we wanted to change aspects of the kit to reflect. Now we have sealed the contract for another season, we have pushed even further to glorify the up-and-coming club!”

But the new kits wasn't only the new thing coming into the club, as a host of 7 players have signed, all of whom moved to the club via bosman transfers. It is clear that the players arrived to the club to add more depth and more competition to certain areas of the team.

http://i3.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/incoming/article666947.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/C_71_article_1595422_image_list_image_list_item_0_ image-666947.jpg
Dean Furman: Just one new signing

“Though the club was successful last season, myself and Nikolavski felt that the team was too comfortable for positions – so the target for these transfers was to allow there to be a stronger rotation whilst going into these different competitions, aiming for the highest standard possible!” Said Chairman and owner Yermolai Relikovic, 52.

The heed of the transfers was mostly defenders, as Dean Moxey moved from Crystal Palace, Lewin Nyatanga from Bristol City, Pim Balkenstein from AFC Wimbledon and Lee Collins from Barnsley join the fray all of whom are under 30, but add more experience to the otherwise rookie team.

The rest of the 7 signings come with experience for the midfield, though one of the players will be able to become a versatile choice for positions. Dean Furman of Oldham, Radoslaw Majewski of Nottingham Forest and Drew Talbot of Chesterfield come in to help the team win promotion to the League One. Hannu Sulonen is the only player so far to leave the club, heading of to Portsmouth for £500k.

Yermolai: Happy with New Players

But with the seven signings, Yermolai seems content with the team they have coming into the new season: “We have strengthened the areas in which Nikolavski and staff has highlighted possible problems and feel we have the best we want for the club. All we can do now is to make sure we can hold onto the players we've got and put our heads up for the pre-season.”

Niko Bergstrom's team will start their pre-season two days after the award ceremony on Wednesday 17th July at home against Bristol City, following it up with a home game against Watford on Sunday 21st July before finishing their short trio of pre-season games with Crewe on Saturday 27th July at Grewsty Road, leaving less than two weeks before their first game in the third tier of English football at home against Rochdale.

A busy summer ahead for Niko and his men, whom are currently on holiday till the 7th, when training resumes, and last season's youthful team-mates can meet their more experienced peers.

As for the awards, the post-season review can be found here (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=116896#post116896), with the list of the Player's awards and manager Niko Bergstrom's thoughts of the past 12 months.

23-08-13, 03:51 PM
Caught up on another story. Gutted that we lost the final, thought it was ours in the bag after the season we had.

Great reviews of the squad and season.

Roll on the new season, certainly hope to improve on my outings and am happy with a record of 9 assists.

23-08-13, 04:23 PM
Reminder to players to vote for their awards. Need to be done for Tuesday, originally was Monday but extended due to Man U v Chelsea game.

27-08-13, 10:29 PM
Brilliant recap, cheers! Hope these are not too late:

Player's Player of the Year: Fraser Hemphill

Player's Young Player of the Year: O'Toibin

Player's Biggest Character in the Team: The Eejit

Player's Most Controversial Player in the Team: The Eejit

Player's Worst Player in the Team: Zannit

Player's Most Surprising Player of the Year: The Eejit

Player's Best Moment of the Year: Winning the league

Player's Weirdest Moment of the Year: The oggy :(

Player's Most Important Player in the Team: Zbimg

27-08-13, 10:30 PM
*Happy to stay at the club
*Hopes no one buys him in the next 2 weeks. I want to stay part of the revolution!!

28-08-13, 07:55 AM
Extended till Thursday, need more votes for the awards ;)

28-08-13, 09:04 AM
Player's Player of the Year:
Player's Young Player of the Year:
Player's Biggest Character in the Team:
Player's Most Controversial Player in the Team:
Player's Worst Player in the Team:
Henderson (sorry Mark, but you do have the lowest average for number of games played)
Player's Most Surprising Player of the Year:
Player's Best Moment of the Year:
Goal of the season v Barrow
Player's Weirdest Moment of the Year:
Being dropped after scoring goal of the season
Player's Most Important Player in the Team:
There can only be one Eejit

29-08-13, 11:20 PM
Extended till Monday, once again.

Need at leat two or three more to get the Awards going :D

04-09-13, 08:38 PM
The Second Journey
Chapter One:
Relaxing and Revising

With the new lads signing on the dotted lines, and at the moment being able to keep hold of the crop players I had from last season I was content with, I decided to have a nice holiday, funded with the selling of the house which I once lived in with the whore of the town.


The house was sold at a good price, in which I had half of. I bought a new house not that far from the town.


And left the rest for the holiday that would be a long tour of the world, or some randomly picked places from a bucket. From the random names of countries, cities and towns the first was...



Instead of going somewhere luxurious like Rome, Paris or even fucking Bristol, it looked like my first holiday location would be up north of the country, but still I had a little faith I might find something or someone or people, to help me relax, but as I arrived in my expensive party gear, I was astonished with the 'high' calibre kind of women that was too offer, each of which seemed to get worse as I saw them.


As they smiled towards me with their greenish venomous wonky teeth, I felt vomit emerging from the back of my throat. I quickly spun round from their location, but they were near the bar. Everytime I looked back to see if the place was clear, they seemed to get closer and closer, like a stalking Bergstrung. Soon they were face-to-face, and I was forced to deal with the situation at hand.

Horrendous Monster: Alreet, pet?

I grab one of the glasses that was on the table closest and throw it at her face.

Niko: Die you demon!

As I did her face started to melt as her screams of pain roared out like a siren to the other mingers in the nightclub. As the other two started to emerge from the crying troll, I grabbed another two glasses and throw them also at their face.

Niko: I condemn your ugliness from my sight!

I screamed as I threw the toxic liquid into their faces, which melted like the other one, and soon their faces looked like something out of a clay motion television show.

Dying Demon: 'Y ya throw acid at us?

She roared.

Niko: Acid? It's frigging spring water! Guess you have never bathed before!!

I said, before being escorted out of the nightclub by the two large bouncers. Deciding that maybe Newcastle wasn't the right location, I decided to end my holiday in Newcastle shorter then I would usually, it was back to the bucket.


As I delved into the bucket of locations, all I could hope was that I would be going somewhere out of the country, and somewhere I could potentially find some hot chicks at. As I pulled out the piece of paper, it was certainly going out of England, but...


..not that fair, and my hopes wouldn't be that grand for pulling the chicks in Scotland, and I started to wonder why I didn't just write down 'Playboy Mansion' on all the slips of paper. But true to my world, I arrived at Stenhousemuir where I was instantly confronted by a local.


Local Scot: Guid day ye! whit dae ye hink yer daein' haur withit an kilt? ye nae sassenach ur ye? feckin' sassenach! william wallace!

He said, playing the bagpipes in his hand as I searched for a local taxi service so that I would be able to escape the hell I had arrived in. But then all of a sudden my fortunes soon changed as I bumped into two lovely girls.


Niko: Excuse me, do you know the number to a local taxi service?
Hot Girl: Why what's wrong? It looks like you have just arrived here!

She said pointing towards my suitcases sitting on the side.

Niko: Let's just say I was confronted by a mean local, and I felt threatened.
Hot Girl: That's just Beez, the local nutjob. But I am sure, if you stay, me and my girlfriend here will give you a pleasant tour of the town.
Niko: Well with an option like that to choose, i'll be dumb to leave now wouldn't I?

I said winking to her, making her laugh back nervously.

Niko: The name is Niko. It's nice to meet you...
Hot Girl: Jools, and this is Charlie.

She nodded back, and soon I gathered my suitcases as took the hour and a half tour, before retiring to the local pub where we drank and drank and drank. Offering me to stay at theirs for the night, we ended up back at theirs, at soon tension started to arise, as Jools put on some 'atmospheric' music.

'And I would walk one thousand miles...'

In which in my drunken haze I just went by, as things started to heat up, eventually falling with the three of us falling onto the bed in our underwear and just about when the fireworks were about to be lit....


Chavvy Fuck: Jools! Where are you?

Said the interrupting bastard, who burst onto the scene quicker then Joey Barton's jail time. He stared at me as I laid in the middle of the two women, who looked back more scared then a gazelle having a staring contest with a lion.

Jools: Dad! What are you doing here?
Niko: Dad?
Chavvy: What tae buck is happening here?

He said turning red with rage as Jools and Charlie started to get dressed once more, leaving me the only one in their underwear.

Jools: It's not what it looks like?
Chav: What is it then?
Niko: Look man, will you piss off I am about to score here?
Chav: What?

He said getting more angry.

Niko: Fifa! Look, now I am a goal down!

I said pointing to the screen with the football game on it.

Chav: What? You were playing Fifa?
Niko: Yes, no will you fuck off because you are ruining my concentration!

I said trying to usher him away.

Chav: Wow, this looks so realistic!

He said, sitting on the bed along side me.

Chav: How are you playing with no controller?

He said looking for a controller.

Niko: I am playing with the Telepathic Sensor! It's a new design by Mikrahard, and these are the new graphics of the Y-Square!

I lied, trying to push him away, but it all went wrong after that.

Chav: Ah, let me play! I'mma whizz on Fifa!

And so for the rest of the night, I was fake playing Fifa with a moron, as Jools and Charlie went to sleep. Luckily it seemed that Charlie was a big fan of football and had numerous DVD's of football games which I kept changing every time the Chav had to leave the room to moan about losing the games.

The next day, I decided that I wasn't going to go any further with the lesbians, and that I had missed my chances, once again delving into the bucket for the next location, this time I was definitely away from the UK, but I wasn't so anxious on my chances of meeting women once again.


San Marino.

As I arrived at Uknown, I started my search quickly, soon bumping into a nice beach volleyball player.


Niko: Ah, hello!
Volleyball Player: Hi! If you don't mind will you leave, we are training for the volleyball tournament.
Niko: Want me to coach?
Volleyball player: No thanks, job's been taken by my husband.
Niko: Well I bet I am more qualified then him to coach your team, the first thing we do for training is some warming up. First exercise to try and reach your legs over your neck, and to go on a night of hot fun with me.
Volleyball player: Ha! Your not half the man my husband is, he is so patriotic he legally changed his name to IloveSanMarino, and he is so daring, it is all one word!
Niko: I dunno about 'Patriotic' or 'Daring', but it seems to me he has a few nuts and bolts loose in his head!

But soon the man of the moment arrived.

IloveSanMarino: There he was blabbering on more than a politician in a heated debate. More s:censored: flying out of his mouth than a fat guy on laxatives. He was just like blind hyena fighting against a fearless lion, he didn't know how much pain his ass would be in if he continued. He was about to feel more pain than being invited to dinner by Luis Suarez.
Niko: Okay this narration thing isn't really denying my point!
Volleyball Player: He was more intolerant than a Jehovah Witness having the door being slammed in his face.
Niko: What? Stop it!
IloveSanMarino: He was being more of a pussy than a Frenchman in an argument.
Niko: Please! Stop!
Volleyball player: He was more annoyed than a fan watching the finale of Lost!
Niko: HA! That was the fourth time, the rule is of 3, in which you only do something three times before it becomes stale and unfunny!

They both looked at each other.

Volleyball player: That rule is something differently here....

They both looked at each other, worried before doing one more at the same time.

Both: We are more f:censored:ed than Star Wars being owned by Disney!

And soon, with themselves holding each others hands, their hands...


Exploded. And the Minor Cameo was killed.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! The Rule of 3 killed AMC!
Volleyball player: Literal B:censored:!

After that tragic scene I then decide to retire back to Newark and put my head back into the new season ahead of me, in which meant new signings, tired players and a few changes coming to the structure up-stairs, but there was something odd when I got back waiting for me.


04-09-13, 08:44 PM
I could go with you to SMR, i like SMR too ;) Malta and Andorra too ;)

05-09-13, 10:16 AM
Nobody, not even Beez, goes on holiday to Stenhousemuir

Edit to add: Did this escapade in your underwear happen to be around the time of the 2012 Scotish Cup Final ? Just wondering where the paternity claim should be sent to.

05-09-13, 12:47 PM
Brilliant work, love a bit of cross-story action!

p.s. I'm pretty sure Newcastle-under-Lyme is a different place to Newcastle-upon-Tyne, but then I thought Berwick was in Scotland :(

05-09-13, 03:29 PM
Yeah, I think Zan has made a mistake here - Newcastle-under-Lyme is where I live :lol:

05-09-13, 07:05 PM
I knew Harry Bow was right to leave that club when he did!

Top marks Zan. Great update!

05-09-13, 07:27 PM
Any Newcastle would do, they are from it :D

11-09-13, 04:35 PM
The Second Journey
Chapter One:
Relaxing and Revising

As I drove into my drive way, I was shocked by a sudden emergence of Yermolai with a moving truck. I stopped my car, and ran towards the heavily sweating and Vodka drinking Russian, instructing people with his broken English to place certain furniture where, as if I would allow him to do that!


Niko: What the hell is going on here?
Yermolai: Ah, Nikolavski! You are back sooner then I would have thought!
Niko: Complications occurred, but what the fuck are you doing to my brand new fucking house?
Yermolai: Nikolavski, if you continue this vulgar, the only place you will living is in a wooden casket six feet under ground.
Niko: Well, what are you doing then?
Yermolai: Well, since I own everything that you bought with your previous home, I have decided that it would be best if you shared this house with someone that needs your guidance.
Niko: Don't tell it some kind of creature from one of your fan clubs? Or even worse, your son!
Yermolai: Your are walking a thin line Nikolavski! Don't push me!

He said raising his fist in the air towards my face, which barely reached by chest.

Yermolai: No, it is not. It is actually a member of your squad, who after being reviewed by the board, has been issued that his unacceptable behaviour of last season can only be rectified under special supervision from you.

It dawned on me, there was only one player that would be 'needing' to be supervised.

Niko: Ah No! Anything or ANYONE but HIM!

But on cue his large voice roared out his battle cry.

The Eejit: Whar tae buck is tae mini-bar?

With my new room-mate for the year, I knew that this would be a major thorn to my relaxing time, but I was able to get my head down for training for the next couple of weeks and ignoring his constant annoying behaviour for the first preseason game against Bristol City.

Following from last season, and with new players to test out into the formation, the new players were mixed with the backbone. Shepard was in goal, as Moxey started on the left, Nyatanga was partnered with BobMem, who still wanted to leave but I am fighting to keep, as Hernandez was the chosen right-back. Clayton played in the Defensive midfeild slot, with the same casual wingers of O'Toibin and captain Hemphill on left and right respectively, as Furman was chosen ahead of Wato. Up-front was the partnership of Zbimg and Kowalinho.

With nine subs, it meant we had a large bunch of players eager to come on, with only Drew Talbot and Radoslaw Majewski being the new recruits on the bench as Wood, Henderson, Baz, Zannit, Ediz, Van der Voom and The Eejit made the last 7 spaces.


Wednesday 17th July 2013
Newark v. Bristol City
(Kowalinho '45 '69, BobMem '86)
MoM – F. Hemphill

With the break and the news players in the team, it took the lads quite a while to find their rhythm into the game, with Hemphill created most of the chances through the first half. But the midfield seemed to click well with the attack, as Furman nearly allowed Kowalinho to get on the score sheet nearly straight away after kick-off, earning a corner which Hemphill took and BobMem headed wide. Hemphill was the architect a few times giving chances to Zbimg, who missed, another corner opportunity again falling for BobMem as well as feeding one-twos with Furman and O'Toibin. Shepard kept us in the game a few times with some nice alert goalkeeping, showcasing that despite the break, he was still determined to be the number one keeper. Despite the attacking prowess it wasn't until the stroke of half-time when Hemphill's low cross found the feet of Kowalinho who sealed it into the back of the net to give us a widely deserved lead.

Half-time came, and five changes were made: Henderson for O'Toibin, The Eejit for Clayton, Van der Voom for the disappointing Zbimg, Majewski for Furman and Baz for Nyatanga. With the new changes, a new spirit surged into the team, though for the majority of the first twenty-five minutes it was the defence that was being tested, with Bristol gaining more time on the ball to have a go, but we were defiant! Playing off the counter, Hemphill was fouled by Foster some way out on the left wing. Aiming it up he took it quickly and deadly, catching out the Bristol defence who watched as Kowalinho headed the floating ball into the back of the net to seal the second goal of the game, as well as his and Hemphill's second assist.

Once again we were on the edge as match-fitness started to effect the lads. After 84 minutes, Kowalinho was soon rested after an applauding performance for Volkan Ediz. Ediz then, with his first touch, earned a corner which was taken by Hemphill finding the emerging BobMem giving us a strong and dominant score-line.


Pleased with the showing, but will most of the starters suffering with fatigue, for the more harder game against Championship side Watford, I was forced to change the team selection. Shepard and Hernandez are the only two players who was fit enough to be able to play the second, as O'Toibin, Hemphill, Zbimg, Clayton, Kowalinho and Moxey dropped to the bench with Vasily join him and Talbot. Liam and Collins were the chosen centre-backs, The Eejit was chosen as DMC, Wato reclaimed the Midfeild throre, Henderson was given the left as Zannit got a rare opportunity to show his worth on the right and Van der Voom and Ediz played up-front.


Saturday 21st July 21
Newark v. Watford
(Ediz '6, Zannit '44)(Cassetti '7)
The Eejit injured '9
MoM – V. Ediz

A fast paced first half with a lacklustre second, it had everything will side to side action, in which included the 6th minute goal from Ediz after being played in, and one of the quickest equalisers ever seen as Cassetti brought Zola's men back into the game. But tragedy stricken more quickly predicted then Katie Price's marriages, as The Eejit suffered a strained knee ligament less then ten minutes in, which meant Clayton had to come on earlier then I would have wanted. The pace of the game stagnated so after as the attacks seemed to lose their threat until Wato's inspired pass was found by shockingly Zannit who took it pass the keeper and into the net.

Come the end of the half only one change was done as Dean Moxey replaced Hernandez, who played at left back as Liam went on the right, leaving Baz partnering Collins in the centre. But the game seemed to turn into a Western movie as the pace was slow and was soooo boring!

Despite the changes of Vasily and Talbot, replacing both Wato and Zannit, we wasn't able to speed up-the tempo and the game ended after the first half, really.


For the next game, the opposition would be a little easier then Watford, and with some players still fatigued, and The Eejit now chilling in my living room drinking his stupid drinks as he watches weird Scottish porn, I wanted to try and think of a strong team that would still give the 'non-first choice' players a chance with the ones that are. For this it was a mixed bunch, Wood started in goal, Baz, Hoolihan and BobMem was the first chopice defenders as the versatile Talbot played right-back. Clayton, being the choice for the defensive midfielder was chosen, as Majewski play infront of him, Henderson to the left and Captain Hemphill returned on the right. Up front Van der Voom was given the chance to partner Kowalinho, with both Ediz and Zbimg on the bench.


Saturday 27th July 2013
Crewe v. Newark
(Murphy '19, Rodney '62)(Van der Voom '15, Furman pen 49, Hemphill '53)
MoM – F. Hemphill

It was another inspired performance from Hemphill, who though didn't get any assists, was the attacking threat. Majewski was the man who the first assist as it was his past that found Van der Voom to break the deadlock, but some brilliant movement from Crewe soon drew it level thanks to Murphy. After that it was back and forth, with neither team really coming close to scoring at the end of the half.

Come half-time, it was time for changes: Furman came on for the tired Clayton, Baz was replaced by Balkestein and Henderson was replaced by O'Toibin. It was an instant surge, once again, from the subs as Furman and Majewski played well to find Kowalinho who played it inward to Van der Voom who was brought down by Phillips, leaving Colin Akita only one choice, penalty!

Furman stood up to the plate and easily scored into the back of the net to regain us the lead, which we added thanks to the brilliant free kick by Hemphill just four minutes later, far from the box. It was due to some dodgy defending and goalkeeping that Robertson was able to get a second for Crewe, which enforced me to add Zbimg for Van der Voom and Shepard for Woods to ensure we could end our small pre-season with an away win, which we did!


The team bus was full of cheer, despite the moody want-aways, which was such a welcome sight. We kept singing how we'll be coming for the League Two title, and how some of the lads would actually start driving Vans if we won the Vans Trophy, lucky enough Bartley was there to assure them that the season had yet to begin fully!

Arriving home, I felt tired and wanted a quiet night, which wasn't allowed with my new 'housemate'. Living with this character felt like being in the Big Brother. Even worse was when I came home, I was confronted with a strange figure as I got home.


Niko: Oh My Fucking God! What the hell is that!

I screamed, as the creature of the damned sulked away with it's head faced to the floor, to which The Eejit was hopelessly able to explain.

The Eejit: Ye heartless prick! dae ye ken whit ye hae jist dain? he's jist caught his burd cheatin' oan heem wi' a squaur heed!
Niko: And? Doesn't mean he can sulk in my fucking house!
The Eejit: It's mah hoose tay, prick! say sorry tae Tri!
Niko: His name is Tri? As in Tri-angle?

He nodded back. As a miserable cretin, I followed the scrappings on the floor to find 'Tri', only to see the strange image of his head being stuck in the oven with the gas on.

Niko: Oh My God! AMC killed himself!
Eejit: It's Tri, tae b:censored:!

After turning the gas off and ripping out his oversized head, I got a text message from Yermolai, which stated he had accepted a friendly request from an established Premier League club. As I read the name, I knew one player would be eager to play againsth them!

Hell, nightly I have stayed ups on, oh when will we would play such an opponent like this, a real challenge, could be a nest of mess, or a wheeling' job. I don't know, but I know one thing or else that we will fight too and nail to be the underdogs and fight.


11-09-13, 08:14 PM
Nice work :)

A goal for BobMem, hopefully I/he will stay. Having an out of body moment here...

*dislikes BobMem
*Thinks BobMem is an essential squad member

12-09-13, 06:38 PM
Next update tomorrow, also there is a long hint to whom the PL club is, some of the names are hinted at in the last sentence

12-09-13, 06:45 PM
Man City?

12-09-13, 08:05 PM
Budgie Scum? (Norwich)

12-09-13, 11:31 PM
players names lol

13-09-13, 12:05 PM
Fuck this for a game of soldiers.

Ahm nae sharin nae room wi a fucked up c:censored:t like Niko.

Gaunny gee us a transfer ooty this shite hole.

13-09-13, 01:35 PM
Hell, nightly I have stayed ups on, oh when will we would play such an opponent like this, a real challenge, could be a nest of mess, or a wheeling' job. I don't know, but I know one thing or else that we will fight too and nail to be the underdogs and fight.

Hopefully will help ya, no update today sorry guys, got some plans for the weekend ;)

13-09-13, 03:11 PM

13-09-13, 09:27 PM
Whelan, Upson, Owen, Knightly :S


Baron Zbimg
15-09-13, 09:38 PM
Hopefully The absence of Zbimg in the lineups is a preseason joke! Who cares about performing in preseason ? Nice job by my replacements though ...

23-09-13, 02:49 AM
The Second Journey
Chapter One:
Relaxing and Revising

Stoke City was just around the corner, not literally, but pre-season wise, they were the top dogs for us. Even last year with the two weird cups, there wasn’t a single Premier League side that had accepted to face us, hell they mostly laughed in our faces – but this year it was different!

We had shown our worth, our desire, and with that comes talented and eager youngsters which they want. They came calling to us! We didn’t do anything, but accept it for the chance to say that last season was just the prologue to the club’s future.

The news was ate up by the lads better than a piece of ham to a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, they were ready to bite at the heels of the better paid, more glorified ‘athletes’ – they were more like Olympians in comparison to us. We were the Russian cheap knock-offs that Yermolai used to sell on the market during his early years ‘in the business’.

But, football is an odd entity of this world – or more like the best example of how fate and destiny are somewhat lost at times with chaos. That one call can beckon the change of the whole 90 minutes, whole one moment of madness can infect the script that was written – it is a sport of what if’s, and of course, buts – and it is up to the managers like me to make sure we can change the fate of some games, and/or ensure chaos to others – that is my law to life, to football – and I can’t see it changing anytime soon.

Despite the enthusiastic cheerleaders of the game, the fact still remained that there was some time difference between our previous game against Crewe. Entering August would be a difficult change for some of the new lads, with different expectations to try to work with and some to even establish themselves – for myself, it was back to the single life that I have known so much about for most of my life. No Cerina, No Rose, No Babe! The three open-legged whores of my apocalypse no longer had a lingering hold on me, and maybe it was time for me to put my mind back onto football rather than women – hell, I would need it for the up-coming season!

Travelling to the training ground, I was interrupted due to one thing.


Yes, traffic.

Niko: Another accident?

Bored out of my school, I decided to turn on my radio, with one song blurting out of the speakers of my little rental Ford Ka – a car so small not even a midget family could use it with enjoyment!

“It's been hard but I have to believe
Have a little patience
Have a little patience”

Pissed off by the condemning voice of Gary Barlow and the gay backing group, I changed the radio station, hoping there wouldn’t be another song that will anger me even more.

“Don't you wanna get out of line
Ev'rybody say what time is it
(What time is it)”

As the chorus was about to finish, suddenly I remember what I had heard of this song, that every time it is played in car with someone as awesome as myself, then as he says the next line he will randomly emerge from out of now where are try to rape the person in the car.

And so…


“It’s Chico Time”

And just like that, on the bonnet of my car was the annoying man, dancing along with the disturbing one hit wonder, or more like blunder. As he danced, his eyes glared at me with hungry, making me nervous about the state of my rectum, come the end of the evening. Agreeing that I needed to do something about the possibility of being anally abused, I nodded my head downward and surged the car straight forward into the car in front and watched as the rapist flew into the glass of the rear view window. The shards of glass pierced throw each inch of skin, and his bones were broken below his waist, as he dragged his broken half body out of the car, and toward the side of the road.

Niko: No humping from him anytime soon…

Changing the station once more, I discovered yet another song that got on my nerves, as I sat in my wrecked car, and no sign of the traffic changing anytime soon.

“Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around”

Niko: What a perfect song to fucking listen too!

I said sarcastic, as a bright light blinded my vision, from the back of the car, and the next moment a scary masked face emerged.


Daft Archie: Indeed it will be a ‘Bad Day’ for you, Daniel Powter! Muhahahahaha!

He said, his posh computerised voice deafening my ears.

Niko: Hey, Mac-Man, will you turn that fucking thing down!
Daft Archie: Oh sorry, kind fellow. Just had this installed, so I haven’t gotten use to it yet. Anyway, my jolly good fellow, where is that Canadian guy?
Niko: In Canada working as a janitor as some school? You do realise that was coming from the radio right?
Daft Archie: Nnnnoooooo!

He screamed, one again deafening my ears.

Niko: Dude!
Daft Archie: Sorry, but the intelligent fellows said they only had enough juice to transport here. I will look such a fiddly-bum without a Canadian corpse to take back for afternoon supper.
Niko: Well, that was your call, guess you will have to walk back without one and take all the shit that comes with your mistake.
Daft Archie: I am afraid I can’t, kind fellow. You see, I made some arrangements to travelled back with two of my fellow companions from my work.
Niko: And, so you can’t just wait at the side of the road because?
Daft Archie: Because it seems that I am unfortunately stuck in this God-forsaken vehicle! Please forgive the language, I do seem to be in a bad pickle here.
Niko: Indeed, same here. I just had to kill an annoying talentless vocalist that no-one remembers, and have kind of ruined this car in the process. There goes my fucking wages for how long! Fucking faggot of a fucking Ford Ka.

I screamed as my rage grew more and more, as the calmed masked man was stuck in the back of the fucked car. This felt like an average episode of Family Guy – like shit! And I still ad to deal with this weird fucker in the back of my car.

Daft Archie: Oh Jolly Good! You kill talentless vocalists as well? Maybe you might accompany me to my head quarters with my accomplices!
Niko: No! It was a one-off, alright?
Daft Archie: It’s all fine an dandy!

As he said that, two large masked men emerged from the straight line of cars, and walked towards my car. All I could do was hope that they weren’t the owner of the car I had just crashed into.



But it seemed that they were here for another reason.

Masked Man: Well, hello kind sir! My name is Quentin, and I do believe that my friend Daft Archibald is within the realm of your… car?

He said hesitating as he looked at the wreckage.

Niko: Yes, now will you please get rid of him, I have places to go!
Masked Man 2: Certainly! Though I do fear that you might be a tad late, at this moment in time it seems that the traffic won’t move for some time. Oh, how silly of me! I didn’t introduce myself to the kind sir, isn’t that funny Quentin|
Quentin: How daft of you, you silly bugger!
Masked Man 2: The name is Vincent Peace, though people call me Vinny for short.

Quentin then bent the roof of the car off, allowing Archie to get out as I was amaze at the man’s name.

Niko: Your name is Vincent PEACE, and you KILL people for a living?
Vinny: Yes, indeed I do, kind gentleman.
Niko: But isn’t that kind of-

Just before I could finish my sentence, soon emerged some prey for the masked men.

http://d1dy244g59v5jo.cloudfront.net/artist-9f/9f5243a910f3762e7a24d708affb29ef1c605f449077b3c78c 195d18efcc5a3e82f84cf8.jpg.256x256.jpg

Alanis Morisette: A murderer with Peace as a name,
Like work being cancelled when you arrive late,
When you get an STD when you can’t get laid,
And isn’t it Ironic… Don’t you think?

Niko: Oh look Vinny, a Canadian for you to kill!
Vinny: Not mine; I am afraid, kind gentlemen. We all have different regions and different occupations, for it is the United States of America and teenagers and other disrespectful role models.
Quentin: I do the whole of Newcastle and Liverpool, basically.

As he said that Daft Archie had finally escaped the torture of my now rented Ford Ka convertible, which I knew would bite me in the ass sooner than later. Daft turned to the Canadian vocalist, and started to choke her with his powers, which was normally just something that Eejit would do to himself in the afternoon. As her breathe finally stopped, he grabbed the corpse nodded back to me and headed down the road, obviously feeling somewhat embarrassed by the whole situation, as both Quentin and Vinny laughed in a somewhat posh manner. Soon they followed him, leaving me in my wreckage, as the traffic finally started to move.

Niko: Bastards!

Arriving at the training ground, I was able to gain a stronger idea of who I thought would play the best against Stoke, with Eejit injured and chilling on my sofa; it was easier for me to make some decisions more than others. For me, the team worked well enough against Crewe, even with the new players being implemented into the starting eleven. The only change I decided to make was that Shepard would play in turn for Woods, who would warm the bench. It meant that the team look like this:


Friday 2nd August 2013
Newark v. Stoke
(Hemphill ’73)
MoM – R. Shawcross
The battle of the captains, it seemed, as Hemphill was the influence that he had become known for the team, and Shawcross was the symbol of the reluctance of Stoke City’s defence and the belief that they could use their advantage of higher classed football against us. But, it was more favoured between the two – with ourselves having a more attacking advantage then Stoke City as their physical presence helped to break down the chances we were trying to build upon.

After our initial attack via Majewski, but soon they were on the counter, and was testing Shepard at his far post as he denied Owen the opener. It was a cautious tale, as neither side really didn’t want to risk fitness of the lads, and it wasn’t till 25 minutes passed that Kowalinho made Wilson look like a bitch, and dribbled his way past the back four, only being wide from doing a superb solo goal. Two minutes later, Owen tried his own as he showed his experience with a brilliant control to have a go, but was denied by the reflexes of Shepard.


After that it seemed that one shot became a first in a series, as Etherington came close from a free-kick with Shepard being the hero, Edu then had a 30 yard whooping shot which was denied by the man between the sticks to which Shawcross was then denied by him from the resulting corner. It had single handedly become the Shepard show! Withstanding the on-slaught, we soon had our own opportunity as Majewski charged onto the goal his shot powered into the hands of Begovic to which the parried save fell into the feet of Majewski once again, who then slotted into the back of the net… but of course:


He was offside as he knew, walking slowly back with a large smirk across his face. I waved to him to acknowledge that he had the ball in the back at least, to which he waved back laughing. It was nearly over for the first half, but Kowalinho was able to gain another opportunity which was sequined once more. For the second half, it was a double change Majewski off for Wato and O’Toibin on for the Stoke fan Henderson. From the start we started to become more attacking orientated as Van der Voom, who had seemed to be more like a blade of grass rather than one of the players, had a horrible wide shot on goal – make me wonder why I didn’t start Zbimg instead of him. With the more attacking mentality, it meant Hemphill had more of a hold on the game, come his deadly play on the right wing, or the set pieces, which so happened to nearly give us a goal as BobMem headed the ball down for Van der Voom from a corner which once again went wide.

But of course Stoke wasn’t ready to concede the game to someone as low level as us.


65 minutes on, Whitehead came on for Owen; Huth went off for Walters adding more attacking options, and Ness being replaced by Wilkinson, soon after it was on. Etherington started a series of attacks, but thankfully the defence was on non-stop alert and was able to detect each attack and resolve the problems that arose. One corner after another, the tension grew as Stoke came looking for the lead, and we hung on trying to fight against – hoping to have the one opportunity to come. Ediz, Zbimg and Balkenstein came on for Kowalinho, Van der Voom and Baz to help search for the elusive, which seemed a little unlikely.


Until one chance that came from an Etherington corner, the in-swinging corner was easily dealt with by the defence which urged the ball forward onto the midfield, where the fluency of the players really showed. Wato played it to Zbimg who went past Shawcross and played it onto O’Toibin who did a sublime cross Hemphill, charged into the free room and tapped it into the back of the net!


We had done it! We had caught the more experienced and talented team on the break, just like the good old Chelsea days under the management of Jose Mourinho. We worked too our strengths and against their weaknesses, and that was the moment in which Hemphill went Hulk-mode! The next minute Hemphill gathered the ball from the half-way mark and dribbled past Stoke like a man on a mission, finally outside the box and lining up the shot, which went as if he was aiming for someone in the stand! One more chance came before the end of the half for Stoke, which was agonisingly close as Knightly couldn’t pounce onto Whitehead’s ball.

The whistle soon went and we had done the win against an established Premier League side. Roy Keane and his men surrendered defeat, and he shook my hand making jokes about enquiring to buy some of my players, to which I replied if he did, I would show him the entrails of his stomach if he carried on, to which I laughed afterwards as he started back nervously.


I was so proud, that I decided to take the team out for a nice celebration party, to which the main activity was a daredevil trying to jump over six cars in a parking lot with a motor cycle. A major Crazy-man he actually only had a moped, to which, the drunken lads urged for him to complete this remarkable feat. As he revved up the motor-ped and sat at the bottom of the stage, it became clearer what the outcome would be as he finally started to make the jump.


But that didn’t finish him, as his vehicle hit the top of the car; he got back up as he crawled from the roof onto the cement floor in front of the car he landed on. Waving towards us to show us he was fine, suddenly the car behind him started to move forward. It was then when a mechanic started to run towards us shouting something about the hand-brake being on its last legs or something, and soon it the car started to hit the back of the legs, it wouldn’t really hurt him except for a couple of bruises.

But then suddenly, the car suddenly emerged to have a face on it’s grill.

Car: Exhaust me! I need to drive-by!

He said in a thick Italian accent, as the car rammed the crazy-man down onto the floor and drove over him. Thankfully he was slim enough to not get crushed, but the head that was exhuming from the engine begun to melt him. First it was his skin, then his muscles and basically every single layer of his body – the poor bastard.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! That car killed AMC!
Zbimg: That metal b:censored:!

After witnessing another death, I order the lads to go back home and to keep a low profile in case the car might start a spree of some sort.

And so the preseason ended, with a win, a death and a great hope for the future season. It would all start in just eight days’ time, the season will begin with home game against Rochdale – the first match we would have in the English nPower League Two.

Bring it on!!

23-09-13, 09:11 AM
If we can beat Stoke then 'Dale have no chance. Sounds like a good win, but @m disappointed that I didn't have a chance to break Owen's legs. I'm getting bored of day-time telly on your sofa and your dvd collection is crap.

Delighted to see AM's name added to the list of dead Canadian divas.

23-09-13, 02:41 PM
Cracking work, bring on the start of the season!

Also, really enjoyed the fact that all your lyrics are ACTUALLY ironic, when the song contains precisely zero ironic lines!
The irony!

23-09-13, 04:58 PM
Cracking work, bring on the start of the season!

Also, really enjoyed the fact that all your lyrics are ACTUALLY ironic, when the song contains precisely zero ironic lines!
The irony!



24-09-13, 03:56 AM
The Second Journey
Chapter Two:
Wheels in Motion!

The fever is the atmosphere was the up-coming season, the fact we were now set for all competitions, for all the possible roads excited the group of players. The game was ready, and it wasn’t that far till the first real test would come. We had overcome the doubt before when we were the underdogs, but now I thought of ourselves as being the potential winners from the first day.

A larger depth, a strong squad that I am adamant will stay for the whole season, despite what some players’ believed and what the larger teams hoped. This is my team and my club, this place is going to be my home for the long haul and I want to keep the neighbours for as long as possible. But first, I had an interview with Sky Sports – as it had seemed my profile had a bit more interest after last season and especially with the shocking win over Stoke, despite the fact it was just a friendly.

As I came down to the meeting spot, the Starbucks in the town centre of Newark, I was hoping for a gorgeous female to score with. I don’t want anything more than a rebound, as relationships have always seemed to bite me in the ass. So I arrived at the place.


Pumped up for flirting with the hot babe who would bang out the questions, as I imagined banging her with statements, I was enjoying the freedom which I once had again, but it seemed that wasn’t the case.


It was the man who was a cool as a ice cube, Mike Wedderburn, the former rugby and cricket player.

Mike: Hi Mr Bergstrom, as apart of Sky Sports News I want to thank you for giving us the opportunity to conduct this interview – I am sure you are busy with the forthcoming season, so I’ll try and not waste too much time with this interview.

He said as nice as a female bouncing on top of me would have felt, especially as the disappointment of my hopes shattered in front of me.

Niko: It’s fine, as long as I can gain publicity for Newark Athletic I am fine with spending as much time as I can.
Mike: Glad to hear.

He said back with a large smile.

Mike: Right, let’s not wait around too long – I have some girls that owe me some money from last week that haven’t paid up yet.

He said in another demeanor as he turned to the cameraman, and nodded back.

Mike: Hello, I am here with Newark Athletic manager Niko Bergstrom, who hopes he can continue the form of last season with his side, as they clinched the Blue Square Premier title and came close to winning the FA Trophy. After a shocking win over Premier League side Stoke City in preseason, expectations are high for Mr Bergstrom and Newark Athletic to extend their recent run of form into the new season and to challenge for the nPower League Two title.

He said to the camera, before turning round to face me to officially start the interview.

Mike: So Mr Bergstrom, off the bat of such a result what are you expectations for the season? Do you think that with your current squad you will be able to meet the critics and fans expectations to win the league first time around?
Niko: Well, so far we haven’t lost anyone that really affects the dynamics of the team and have brought in more quality to balance out the team for all competitions. I am hoping to use that to win a cup as well as the league. I can’t see why we can’t after coming so close last season.
Mike: Roy Keane described you as a ‘rising star’ in terms of a manager, what do you say in response of that statement.
Niko: I respect Roy, he was a superb player back in the day and is giving a strong squad after Tony Pulis was sacked just a few months ago. I think he will be okay if he can bring in some new players, and hopefully seal a nice mid-table finish for the club – though it is too early to say for sure. Honestly though, I feel that I am not the rising star, the young players at the club are, I have been in football since I was eighteen years old in Finland and Belgium – and no matter what Fifa says – I have three league titles to my name. I am just a talented manager with a talented squad.
Mike: Yes, you do have a somewhat young talented back-bone to the team, but do you think you will be able to hold onto them for the whole season?
Niko: As long as I am manager, there will be no players leaving this season unless I am forced to act due to financial reasons.

And so the interview went on and on, for about another two hours, to which we sometimes went into personal questions to my response of the World Cup being played this season in Rio and the shocking win of South Korea, to the up-coming Charity Shield match of Chelsea, FA Cup winners, and Man City, the Premier League winners. It was a tedious and boring affair, in which I kept on hoping that Clare Tomlinson would come along and finish it off at some point – but it never happened.

After the interview, I called a taxi and went home – smoking nearly a whole ten pack in quick succession with the annoyance of how disappointed I was – but as I arrived, The Eejit had yet another friend over and was drinking till the sun would rise the next day. His friend, might I add, was somewhat familiar.


Niko: Hey, what the hell is going on here?
Eejit: Keep yer hair oan, jist havin' some preseason fin!
Niko: Seems like it! You have just comeback from injury, what the hell do you think your doing? I need you fit for the opening game against Rochdale!!
Friend: Alright man, don’t be such a buzzkill! We are only having a few drinks.

He said, as a pyramid of Stella cans stood behind him with another two twelve crates on the floor untouched, and a gin bottle I might add.

Niko: A few drinks are okay, but for fuck sake! I can see how much you have already drunk, and how much you still have left to drink!
Friend: Ah, come on! You only live once, so why not have some fun?
Eejit: Wa dornt ye kill th' midgit 'at crawled up yer crease an' join us? 'main 'en boss, leid by example!

As I stared at the energetic Scotsman, I started to think how long ago was it since I actually ‘chilled’, and decided to join my defensive midfielder into having ‘fun’.

Niko: Alright but on one condition!
Friend: What’s that then?

He replied with a little anger and resentment in his tone.

Niko: The first one, who pukes, has to get the next load of drink!

The two shocked men cheered as they opened the crate, and soon the night was under-go. Unfortunately, I was the one who had the buy the drinks for most of the night – but what a night! Only disappointing thing was the next morning.


As the birds sang their wake-up call, my head felt like it was trapped between a hard place and under neath a fucking hummer! The thing that was surprising was that for some reason, I was in the garden with a cone on my head and with a blow up doll next to me.


Niko: Well at least I got SOME action yesterday.

I mumbled to myself as each word coming out of my mouth felt like somebody was stomping on my head with cleats. As I found the strength to get inside the house, neither Eejit nor his friend was around, as I tried to find some kind of recognition what could have possibly happened. But I couldn’t be too reflective as the next moment I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and a beautiful woman emerging into my eyesight.


Woman: Well hello there ‘crazy guy’!

She said to me with an intriguing look on her face.

Woman: Hope you aren’t too exhausted!

She said with a flirtatious smile, with her little accent adding a undertone of an instant attraction.

Niko: Are you talking to me?
Woman: Well, there isn’t anyone else is there?
Niko: I guess not. But, I am sorry to say this, but I don’t seem to recall you at all from last night.
Woman: Well that is a little heart-breaking. I think I will remember last night for the rest of my life, doing those ‘exercises’ in the garden – and your little dolly friend.
Niko: So… we, um…
Woman: Yes. Again and again, until we passed out. You stallion!
Niko: Okay.

I replied as she started to walk towards the door.

Woman: I have to go now, but remember to call me – maybe we can do it again sometime. But just the two of us next time, okay?
Niko: Yeah.

I said, somewhat confused about the whole conversation. As she left, waving good bye and blowing me a kiss, I tried to gain some kind of memory of what happened – but nothing seemed to come, A few minutes after.

Niko: Shit! I can’t remember her name or her number!

I screamed, charging into the front yard hoping to catch her, but she was long gone.

Niko: Ah well, I guess I got my rebound!

I said with a large smile on my face, as I stood outside in the open with nothing but a traffic cone on my head and the strong breeze crunching against my naked body. I stood there confident with myself, as my elder neighbour walked passed with her dog and stared at my natural body. I nodded back, before going inside at putting my mind on the task – the Rochdale game.


In the happiest mood that I had been in for a while, I came to the decision for the first game to look at the team that played last for the team in the league – with only 3 differences with the side that played against Barrow. Liam would play right-back as Hernandez started on the bench, O’Toibin on the left wing as Henderson was given the day off and Wato playing in the middle – which meant that no-one would make their home debut, though Radoslaw Majewski started on the bench. The team looked like this:


With the larger squad, I have decided to try and implement a stronger rotation policy to make sure that we can be able to fully compete for every game and that fitness levels will play a keen decider in the selection – not wanting to exhaust the players when they don’t need to, which I think didn’t help The Eejit that well last season.

English Third Division
Saturday 10th August 2013
Newark v. Rochdale
(Zbimg’12, Kowalinho ’57, Van der Voom ’87)
MoM – L. Zbimg

A brilliant start from the lads, with Lorenzo carry on his form from last season into the now one as he scored the opening goal for the new season. As predicted, it was a strong home performance for us as we had more shots on goal then Rochdale, and was still defensively strong only allowing one shot on goal out of five attempts.

It all started from a lovely through ball from The Eejit who played it through for Lorenzo to score his and our first of the season. It was clear that the attacking players were up for it, though it wasn’t till the second half when Hoolihan’s header found the feet of Kowalinho who volleyed into the back of the net near the hour mark, a terrific display of set piece magic as it came from a Hemphill corner and showed a tactic from the training ground. Come the 71st minute, one Polish came off and another on, alongside Wato and Van der Voom, as Majewski made his debut for the club after signing from local rivals Nottingham Forest on a few transfer, though it was Van der Voom who took the limelight away as he scored the third goal with a individual effort with only three minutes from time. But it was Lorenzo once more who took the Man of the Match award, as his determination to find a second goal became clear and overshadowed all the rest of the lads despite a strong and confident performance from everyone.

With the League Cup First Round tie against Bristol Rovers just around the corner, I decided it was best that the same team would play against Fleetwood. Hoping that will the whole team having another run it would help them gain more sharpness for the larger test.


English Third Division
Saturday 17th August 2013
Fleetwood v. Newark
(Gillespie ’72)(The Eejit ’65)
MoM – Y. Mawene

It didn’t seem to work as Fleetwood, who had won the conference title the season before us, showed a reluctance to allow us to take the lead with experienced centre-back Mawene leading by example of defying our many attempts. The first half showed glimpses of the teams attacking flair, but it never really flourished into anything but failed attempts. Come the second half, and the introduction of what I felt would have been a super-sub with Van der Voom coming on for Zbimg, it didn’t really change. But five minutes after the hour mark, Hoolihan cleared the ball up-field with the rare sight of The Eejit running forward, whose first touch was excellent in terms that it bounced off the side of his foot past the last defender, and then slipped as he went for the shot which luckily somehow lobbed past goalkeeper Scott Davies and into the back of the net giving us a shock lead!


Not only was the rarity of Eejit being up the field was shocking, but the fact that we had beaten a man who had otherwise had a brilliant display in front of the net. With the second game of the season, Hoolihan had now gotten two assists – more than anyone else so far this season. But we couldn’t celebrate the lead, as poor backtracking from the wingers allowed Steven Gillespie to find space and equalise just seven minutes after gaining the lead. And after that, as expected the team held on for the draw and Mawene broke down any hopes for a second – meaning that we had dropped two points already.


For the next game, the situation I felt was harder than I thought, yes Bristol Rovers was in the same league, but the fact that some players had already showed some fitness worries meant I was forced to make some changes. Shockingly enough, the defensive midfield wasn’t one of them, as The Eejit seemed more determined and fit this season already better than last – with Yermolai praising himself with the decision of him living with me, which still didn’t feel right despite how much alcohol I drink! For this game three changes were made, Baz was rested as Moxey made his debut at left back, Zannit played on the right wing after impressing in preseason and Hemphill was dropped to the bench and Majewski made his first start as Wato was in need of a rest. With BobMem still wanting to leave, I decided to give Majewski the role of captain as he seemed a natural born leader or a better one than anyone else on the field.


English League Cup First Round
Tuesday 20th August 2013
Newark v. Bristol Rovers
(Majewski ‘2, The Eejit ’12, Kowalinho ’25 ’36)(Virgo pen 62)
MoM – Kowalinho

A perfect attacking display and of possession play in the first half over shadowed the daunting and rather boring second, with Kowalinho’s name on everybody lips as he aimed to impress the visiting scouts – which I still disregard any possible transfers. It all started with the temp captain, as a one-two with O’Toibin unleashed through the back-line of the away side and giving us a quick lead. Majewski was then involved again as his corner allowed Eejit’s big head to be found and bounce into the back of the net just ten minutes on from gaining the lead. Though it did seem Eejit was more angered with the goal then pleased as he started to chase Majewski around half of the pitch, complaining that his nice hair was now messed and that it would ruin the photo-shoot he had with Lynx later on that day.

Man of the moment for ten minutes

But we weren’t finished there, Kowalinho then stepped up! With a responsive goal 13 minutes from The Eejit goal, from a Zannit lob Kowalinho made Bristol Rover’s defence look like targets in a shoot range, knocking them down one-by-one. It seemed he was eager to move on from the club, as he revealed an under-shirt with his ‘dream-girl’s’ number, who had now become his agent. That determination was shown again just 11 minutes from that, this time BobMem making the killer pass for him to clinch onto and score.

The game was over at half-time, so Henderson came on for O’Toibin and Van der Voom came on for Kowalinho, one for fitness reasons and the other because I couldn’t stand another stab into my back. But the changes seemed to have a negative effect on the team as they couldn’t continue the same flowing attacking that they had in the first half. The defence was solid for the beginning of the half, but became more hesitant as the desperate away side through everything including a kitchen sink, no literally a kitchen sink! Some stupid fan tried to distract the defence by throwing a kitchen sink onto the field, and it worked! As the whole defence switched off allowing Richards to charge past them, leaving him alone with Shepard, who was confused and went flying in on him, taking out his feet.

The catalyst for the consolation

The referee instantly blew his whistle, pointing to the penalty spot – despite the claims of everyone in the red and gold jerseys against the Kitchen Sink incident – but then to add insult to injury, went off to the furious Shepard and…


Showed him a yellow!

Defender Virgo took the resulting penalty, and simply passed it past the disinterested Shepard, who was still sulking from the whole incident. They had the consolation, but only because of a Kitchen fucking Sink!

The rest of the half we became stubborn and just cleared the ball forward, with the attackers disinterested in adding any more goals – with the odd occasional attempt on goal. Soon the whistle went, and straight away I called the FA about the ref, which they agreed with the fact he had been a complete fool and would look into the incident – though nothing really happened the next couple of days!

The next day, the draw for the Second Round was announced in which we were drawn with:



Gus Poyet’s lads had a less then memorable season last year, fighting against relegation and it seemed it would be the same, but they were still the favourite being in two divisions higher than us.

But once again, I could only turn to the next game and not the future. I was taking each game to the next, a decision I made due to the farce of the FA Cup last season, in which I didn’t go as far as I hoped. But before that, I was coming out of the local Asda’s at midnight, when I was confronted by the woman who I saw only a couple of weeks ago. The mysterious one night stand that I couldn’t remember was right in front of me. Hoping not for an awkward altercation, I tried to ignore her but she looked right at me and lured me to talk with her.


Woman: Oh Niko!
Niko: Oh hi…
Woman: Ah, still don’t remember me? My name is Soña, Soña Dore. Do you remember me now?
Niko: Sorry, I can’t really say I do

I said honestly, as her accent sunk deeper into me. All I could do was wish that someone was around so I could interact with them, acting like I knew them and say I was meeting with them or something, but the place was deader than a premiere of an Uwe Boll film.

Soña: Well that’s a little disappointing. You know, I think I need to get a new phone, since you haven’t rung me yet.
Niko: I…. I kind of misplaced your number.

I said, not wanting to hurt this alluring woman’s feelings.

Soña: Well, you better find it, because I don’t think I can last long without another midnight meet-up with you.

She said in a seductive tone, moving closer to my face so that I could feel her warm breath on the stubble of my neck, her sweet perfume intoxicating me as I tried to fight my urges.

Soña: Hopefully, we will be in a more secluded place. And more…. Bare.

She whispered into my ear, fading out as she walked straight past me and into the doors of the supermarket behind me. She left me with a confused mind-set, one of dread for not remembering her and not finding that illusive phone number and the other one of sexual desire to grab her and go back to my house, repeating the same ‘activity’ that occurred that one drunken haze under the stars. But, I knew that it was nothing. She was nothing special, but another notch on the bed frame.

I went home, not being able to sleep and began to try to recollect my thoughts – but I couldn’t. The next day was the game against Torquay, and as a football manager I couldn’t allow my personal life to interfere with my professional obligation again – as it always seemed to ruin my decisions, like the wedding with the FA Trophy Final.


Shrugging it all off, it was finally time for the home game against Torquay and for this game there was only one change, Hemphill coming back into the starting line-up as Zannit earned a spot on the bench. Zannit, who I thought was one of the worst players last season seemed like he had finally come to realise the potential he has, and hopefully make a mark this season as Henderson will also do, hopefully.


English Third Division
Saturday 24th August 2013
Newark v. Torquay
(Kowalinho ‘7, Hoolihan ’10, Zbimg ’32)
MoM – Kowalinho

Kowalinho carried his fine form from the end of last season and from the cup game on again as he was the influence for the inspired first half performance. It has recently occurred to me, that from this season, the team has started to become a better team from the beginning of the games rather than the end of the games, which they were last season. Hoping that we could mixed that up a little come the bigger games of the season, as well as later into the season, it added more reward to my expectations for the up-coming season.

With a quick ten minutes, Majewski was the man in the heart of the build-up play as he was the man who flicked the ball forward for Kowalinho to score the opener. Then it was Hemphill who made his first assist of the season as he set up Hoolihan for his first goal of the season, via a predicted corner. But it was the Kowalinho show as he kept on trying to impress the fucking visiting scouts, most of whom I kept on rejecting almost daily, always finding space for another shot – or just to allow space for Lorenzo to run into.

But it was an unlikely pairing of The Eejit and Kowalinho which helped Zbimg to score his second of the season, as The Eejit magical throwing arms found Kowalinho on the wing, who did an outstanding curling cross towards the far post, and Zbimg’s head, which went inside the roof of the net. Done, deal, and sealed with a delivery.

For the second half, I told the lads to attack and attack but not to waste too much energy with the attacks, but unfortunately that seemed to be translated into ‘just don’t score’ as each target was either wide or easily saved from the oppositions goalkeeper. But in the end, we got what we wanted. Another strong home performance and another three points – carrying on the undefeated streak we had started from last January in the league.

The fixture then started to show how much of a bastard it was, as we had to then travel to face Rotherham just two days later. With nearly the whole group knackered from a night of celebrating the current success we had, it seemed that no matter how many changes I would make – it would be down to the quality of the players rather than the fitness – but most of the lads from the previous game did look a lot better then others, and with the term don’t change a winning formula coming to mind I only made three changes from the team that played against Torquay. The Eejit dropped onto the bench with Kowalinho, as Clayton made his first appearance of the season with Van der Voom introduce to the team also. Hernandez was also chosen to play in the heart of defence with Hoolihan, hoping that I wasn’t creating a bad idea by breaking up the strong partnership that they had made so far this season.


English Conference Division
Monday 26th August 2013
Rotherham v. Newark
(Majewski ’29 ’48)
MoM – N. Hunt

A depleted performance, which showed glimpses of a fully strong Newark Athletic, but was denied by a heavily defensive minded home side. Tactically it was such a bore, as we played with possession and they parked their whole team’s car park in front of their goal. Some of the lads seemed to be more interested in gaining a draw, but we still was able to make 9 shots on goal with 60% being on target. But it was Majewski who was determined the most out of the lads to gain the three points, breaking down the defences twice on his own to score two practically brilliant goals. Shockingly though, he was shunned as Hunt was named as the Man of the Match, which for me was just a mistake.

The last game of the month was against Hartlepool, and with it being a little longer away from the Rotherham game, it allowed the team to get more fit, especially as I told Riley to be easy on them in training to allow them not to be too exhausted. Luckily it was another home game, which meant that we would have the fans on our side!


Feeling that with the extra time to rest, that most of the players that played last time, would be a lot more convincing this time around I didn’t change the team except for one which was more down to the performances he had rather than an issue of his fitness. Moxey was dropped in favour for the old boy Baz, meaning that only Majewski was starting that had joined the club this season – with Collins still waiting to make his debut off the bench.


English Third Division
Saturday 31st August 2013
Newark v. Hartlepool
(Clayton ’17, Van der Voom ’22)
MoM – R. Hoolihan

Another inspired first half performance, which extended our defeated streak longer and another impressive performance at home – which looked set to becoming what I wanted to become when I first got her, a fortress! Despite the 17 minutes it took, it was Hemphill and Majewski who had most of the chances firstly, both of them consistently testing the keeper or the woodwork. But it was Hemphill who set up the first goal, with a stylish corner as Clayton out-jumped McMahon in the air to nod it in. The second assist for Hemphill, who would want to continue that kind of conversion to try and reach the 24 assists he made last season.

Five minutes later, it was then Majewski turn to go from possible goal scorer to assist-maker as he was found by Liam, who lobbed the ball perfectly to him from the tight angle, to be able to then chip the ball on for Van der Voom to score the second goal and to try to convince me either more that he needed a larger role in the team then he had last.

No changes were made throughout the game as we continued to attack in the second half, with opportunities coming and going as usual, and the super-defender Hoolihan breaking down attacks again and again – surging forward in a rage like a certain Brazilian Chelsea defender – which helped him earn the Man of the Match award, and to keep his amazing form that he has started this season! He has, so far, been one of the best performers for us.

After the game, I was confronted by some of the lads who was angered with the lack of rotation, which made me a little angry.

Niko: What the hell are you saying to me?

I roared back at the group, who seemed somewhat hesitant to my heighten voice tone.

Niko: Last season I had a squad below 25 players, and now that I have 33 players to choose from I need to find the correct players for each game. Sometimes some players work better for a certain game! Be fucking patient!

I screamed at them in the parking lot, as they all said sorry and that they understood, but I was still angry. Despite my fake acceptance of their apology, in anger I kicked an empty bottle into the air.


Which bounced off a lamp-post….


…off the hood Ford Focus….


…off the wall of the stadium which then went into the nearby tennis court, where it landed into one of the tennis ball launchers.


Where a muscular chick was getting ready to play tennis against.


But unfortunately, the dimension of the plastic bottle was too big for the pipe in which the ball was meant to shoot from, causing the machine to start to overload. As the smoke soon emerged into the air, a massive crowd had started to gather and they started to get worried as bolts started to fly out the side of the machine.

Stranger: Don’t worry!

Emerged one of the gathering crowd members with a toolbox.

Stranger: I am a master craftsman!

He shouted, as the massive crowd cheered like he was the special kid who had counted to four, but as he slowly crept to the fiery machine which was going to blow any second, a mysterious cartoon suddenly emerged from a portal.


Cartoon: Don’t worry, I am here to save the day!

He said, stopping a master craftsman, and a massive crowd from cheering him on, and the muscular chick who had become even more confused than before. BUT then…


A massive cunt arrived, but it seemed too little, too late as the machine exploded and sent the tennis balls flying into every direction, in which the speed pierced through body parts and killed: a muscular chick, a massive crowd, a master craftsman, a mysterious cartoon character, and a massive cunt. I stood there confused, as a man with cereals emerged from the stadium.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! I indirectly killed A Muscular Chick!
Cereal man: Sexist B:censored:!
Niko: Oh My Gawd! I indirectly killed A Massive Crowd!
Cereal man: Groupist B:censored:!
Niko: Oh My Gawd! I indirectly killed A Master Craftsman!
Cereal man: Toolist B:censored:!
Niko: Oh My Gawd! I indirectly killed A Mysterious Cartoon!
Cereal man: Cartoonist B:censored:!
Niko: Oh My Gawd! I indirectly killed A Massive Cunt!
Cereal man: You fine B:censored:!

He said with a single tear dropping on his face, as he enjoyed another spoonful of cereals, but it then seemed it went down the wrong whole as he started to choke, not interested in saving a character who was only used to supported a motif, I watched as he was suffocated by the one food he loved.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Cereal killed A Man with Cereal!





Niko: Yeah, I don’t think anyone else is coming.

I said to myself, shrugging before walking away as I whistled the tune of the Match of the Day theme.

Finally it was the end of a long and exhausting month, for which I am sure there will be a long update in a story/diary of my life if there was one, to which I hoped people enjoy it? Do they? Then again, why do I always seem to sum everything up in my mind? And why do I state what people look like in my head, and with analogies? Why does analogies have anal in it? Is it a boy or a girl? Why am I thinkING this? Ah fuck it, time to go out to a night club, and let there be another entrant to the Niko fanclub!


************************************************** **********************************************
English Third Division - Saturday 31st August 2013
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2013/4 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Newark 5 3 0 0 8 0 1 1 0 3 1 13
2nd Gillingham 5 2 1 0 6 4 2 0 0 3 0 13
3rd Burton Albion 5 2 1 0 5 2 1 0 1 4 4 10
4th Accrington 5 2 1 0 4 1 1 0 1 4 4 10
5th Torquay 5 2 0 0 6 3 1 0 2 5 8 9
6th AFC Wimbledon 5 2 1 0 8 6 0 1 1 5 7 8
7th Bristol Rovers 5 1 1 0 2 1 1 1 1 7 8 8
8th Aldershot 5 1 1 1 6 4 1 0 1 4 4 7
9th Yeovil 5 1 0 1 3 2 1 1 1 6 5 7
10th Barnet 5 1 0 1 4 4 1 1 1 5 5 7
11th Exeter 5 1 0 2 6 9 1 1 0 6 4 7
12th Rotherham 5 0 1 1 3 5 2 0 1 7 6 7
13th Morecambe 5 2 0 1 6 6 0 1 1 2 3 7
14th Stevenage 5 1 1 1 6 5 1 0 1 2 5 7
15th Rochdale 5 1 0 1 2 2 1 1 1 4 6 7
16th Preston 5 1 0 1 3 3 1 0 2 4 4 6
17th Southend 5 2 0 1 6 2 0 0 2 1 5 6
18th Plymouth 5 1 0 1 3 4 1 0 2 3 4 6
19th Fleetwood 5 1 1 0 5 3 0 1 2 2 5 5
20th Hartlepool 5 1 0 1 6 4 0 1 2 4 7 4
21st Northampton 5 0 1 2 4 7 1 0 1 6 5 4
22nd York 5 1 0 1 3 3 0 1 2 1 3 4
23rd Chesterfield 5 1 1 1 5 6 0 0 2 1 4 4
24th Dag & Red 5 0 1 1 3 4 0 1 2 1 6 2

24-09-13, 11:40 AM
Nice girl you have :D

24-09-13, 12:35 PM
Great start to the season!

Hope the 2 recent clean sheets without BobMem doesn't leave question marks over his starting berth.

Absolutely brilliant write-up, well done!

24-09-13, 01:16 PM
I'll read in more detail when I get home, but 2 contenders for goal of the season already !

24-10-13, 10:16 PM
I'll read in more detail when I get home, but 2 contenders for goal of the season already !

Did you ever do it??

Anyway, i can't say incase my timing is off and i am at Uni atm and i am at seminars, lectures and have coursework and etc to do, so i will say that the next chapter is in the writing process, though i can't give away much as a tease, but i am gonna do a large one, with another, and both will be posted near each other for you all.

I will post one example of the chapter though, an extract you guys can say, hope you enjoy the teaser ;)

“We can’t say your name,
We can’t say your name,
Oh Hey Lorenzo,
We can’t say your name!”


Decrytped much?

Anyway, see ya in my other time-chilling story for now,

Zannit to the Snake


25-10-13, 07:58 AM
if this is how you live youre football dreams and meet women,then i pity this whole site

good story Sheldon:flypig:

25-10-13, 09:26 AM
Did you ever do it??

Yes, and I still think that my goals should be contenders for "goal of the millennium" when the award comes up.

There could also be an AMC death of the millennium in there as well !

25-10-13, 04:14 PM
if this is how you live youre football dreams and meet women,then i pity this whole site

good story Sheldon:flypig:


It is purely based upon a character and his personality - as well as the football club and the players.

And might add that this isn't meant to be a depiction of reality, or anything but to be centered around the character and the effect and views that he gains from the storylines i try to come up with. I don't understand the Sheldon mention, if you meant the character of TBBT then that is somewhat funny and ironic in my eyes. I am not here to appease people but to tell a story based on a game - not real life. My footballing dreams are never an option in either reality or fiction, and i don't think of that - this story is, like i have said, about the other characters created which is viewed from another character.

You might dislike this story, good for you, but if you don't understand the realm nor the history behind it then that comment itself, to me, is unwarranted. Opinions are a universal difference in terms of a larger majority, and i won't hinder to one view from the other. If people want me to change it and they understand the complete 12 pages of this thread then i will try to incorporate that - but not from a backhand comment.

This story, my writing approach towards this story and this character is more evolved then you would think, and that is why the story is presented in the manner it is.

26-10-13, 01:13 AM
What is your response Charliebhoy?

27-10-13, 12:39 AM
if this is how you live youre football dreams and meet women,then i pity this whole site

good story Sheldon:flypig:

Members like you that I feel pity for.

27-10-13, 08:49 AM
Rule 1: Don't go on to a website dedicated to a 12-year-old computer game, into a thread dedicate to stories about said game, and make 'wiseguy' comments.
Rule 2: If you ignore rule 1 then don't pick Zansnake's story of all people!

14-11-13, 05:51 AM
The Second Journey
Chapter Three:
Fighting On!

After such an impressive first month, I was hoping that the team would garner some recognition, hell even myself, but shocking enough we were overlooked as Lain Dowie was named as Manager of the Month, and Alex Nicholls was named as Player of the Month – The Eejit and Roddy Hoolihan being overlooked, to whom I believed deserved the award more fully!

But at least Kowalinho was able to win the Young Player of the Month award, despite the fact I didn’t want anything else to boost his little ego as he continued to flourish in the partnership him and Zbimg had already made this season.

In football terms, I looked forward to the next game against Barnet; they were at home and sat tenth in the league content with their start, as we were top of the table, undefeated and wanted to continue the marathon that we were on. In order for that to happen, I decided to make only one change from the side that beat Hartlepool at the end of August, as Wato started instead of Majewski – again putting my faith into the hands of Van der Voom, which worked last time, playing with Zbimg up-front.

English Third Division

Saturday 7th September 2013
Barnet v. Newark
(Wato ’38, Zbimg ’41 ’47 ’52)
MoM – L. Zbimg

Lorenzo shone as the team started to find the fluency once more of the philosophy of last season. Anxious to try and beat his fellow striker, Kowalinho, to the leading goal scorer of the season, he had certainly made it apparent with this terrific performance. Despite initially finding it hard to gather the possession off the home side, we were alert and conscious enough not to allow them to gain any advantage in any space of the field that could have led to a goal, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce into their attacking third. Shepard was on his radar for any shots on goal, and easily dealt with them as the players mental clock started to tick down for the bell to chime to initialise the tsunami of ‘Fuck Yeah!’ to start.
It was Hoolihan who started that attack, the one in which we took the lead, as he charged down the left wing, before lobbing it up towards O’Toibin, who skilfully went past the right back and crossed the ball into the box, which was volleyed from the on-rushing Wato, which he did so many times last season!

Three minutes it was Hemphill’s turn to get the assist, which started once more by a defender as Baz took the thrown to Hemphill, whose first touch was perfect control to centre the ball for the far post cross which was headed in by Zbimg. 0-2!

For the second half, Kowalinho was allowed to continue to partner with Zbimg, as Van der Voom disappointing not to add with the attacking flair on display. But it was justtwo minutes into second half, with Hemphill being the creative spark once more. Making the left back look like the Arsenal trophy cabinet – nothing – he then did a sublime curling low cross to the near post, poked in by Zbimg’s weaker right foot and extending our lead for another goal.

Another five minutes and he seal the hat-trick, as Clayton lobbed the ball forward which bounced off the ground, perfectly fell in front of Zbimg who responded with a stunning left-footed volley, sky-rocketing into the top left corner for his fifth of the season, and a perfect hat-trick. Kowalinho was a little annoyed with the reaction of the fans, whom had made a new chant for their Player of Last Season.


“We can’t say your name,
We can’t say your name,
Oh Hey Lorenzo,
We can’t say your name!”

He had become a noble celebrity, which was the same thing that Kowalinho looked set to want. After the game, I over-heard a conversation of Kowalinho and his ‘agent’, Princess Ama Peach.


Ama: What was that Kacper?
Kowalinho: I just, I don’t know, didn’t play enough time to have a chance. It is Niko’s fault!
Ama: Yeah, that stubborn b:censored:! The only way I can become as big as Victoria Beckham, is by marrying a young talented player like you! And if you aren’t at a bigger club, then how am I going to get the fame and popularity for my beauty?
Kowalinho: I know, but I only seventeen this year, so you still have time to be recognised. Am I not, how can I say this, enough for you till now?

Ama just stared at Kowalinho, before opening her mouth once more.

Ama: You’re not joking are you? God! I want to be famous before I have to get Botox injections to maintain my beauty Kacper, and you are not even the same level to look at Justin Bieber as an admirer!

Dejected Kowalinho sighed and started to look at the ground.

Ama: Look, I am so sorry that the truth is a bummer for you! But, just keep bagging in those goals when Niko gives you a chance and then you will impress the scouts enough for a big club to come. Niko has stated numerous of times that he will sell players for the right cost, so the more goals you score the more likely chance I can get out of the s:censored:hole of Newark – to the luxury of Manchester or London!

The lap dog just nodded as its master told it to follow her out of the hallway, and with the coast clear, I started to think about the situation that Kowalinho is in. I was the catalyst for the situation that he was in, I was the one who helped him to discover her – the one that set this all up, and now he is tied by a leash. But, he had a fucking choice! And this wasn’t anything to do with me! I am a football manager, not a fucking couple councillor.

Not trying to indulge that part of me that felt guilty, luckily there was a match just around the corner – this time it was a rematch of the League Cup game that we had last month – as we faced Bristol Rovers at home. After some bitching and whining as well as some exhausted legs I was forced to change the team slightly as The Eejit was back in the starting line-up as was BobMem, allowing the partnership of Hoolihan-BobMem to once again flourish once more.


English Third Division
Wednesday 11th September 2013
Newark v. Bristol Rovers
(Liam ’20, Hemphill ’24, Van der Voom ’43)(Clarke ‘6)
MoM – H. Van der Voom

As first it seemed that Bristol Rovers would exact their revenge for the defeat they suffered in the League Cup, but that wasn’t to be with the supreme-awesome midfield that helped us the conference division last year. Clarke broke the deadlock with just 6 minutes on the clock, and I do respect the cunts for trying to become something that most have failed to do – but like the rest of those who have tried to win – they have only got to taste failure to gain a reality check.
Hemphill on the right wing with freedom – boom a cross goes in – and boom another assist for the machine and the captain, as right-back Liam was given the space to do a late run to the far post and header in. Liam then four minutes started the next goal as his long ball was found by the header of Van der Voom, which settled the ball perfectly for Hemphill to score his first of the season – which came with the usual celebration.

http://gallery.fanserviceftw.com/_images/fcb22ff19a77728967c3be9bfa165ec3/6141%20-%20animated_gif%20blazblue%20dancing%20hazama%20mi chael_jackson%20moonwalk%20parody%20smooth_crimina l.gif

And then Wato found space just in the middle of the space between the oppositions midfield and defence, allowing him time to find the perfect through ball for Van der Voom to seal a spectacular performance for both himself and the team – with only the first half played!

Though, I decided to go defensive for the next half, not wanting to exhaust the players with Preston and Brighton around the corners.


Proud of myself, I decided to be on the prowl for the next girl to bite down of the wooden frame of my bed. Luckily The Eejit was out of time for some Lynx convention, with his five boxes of ‘not-alcohol’, for which I wasn’t bother about. He has become a perfect so far this season and deserved to have some relaxation. As I stalked among the foggy dance floor for the next lay, there she was again.


Her dancing moves, just by sight, seemed to strum my heart-strings entwine with the rhythm of the heart beat – a song was created – all by her illustrious movements. Downing the rest of the glasses, I turned away hoping she hadn’t noticed me. I didn’t want another ‘benefits’ as it lead to the whole Babe thing.

Niko: Maybe, since you can’t remember the first time, you can do it again. You can’t remember it, it’s not real right?

I said agreeing with myself almost instantly, but as I turned round to go on with the quest – she was gone. She disappeared into the crowds of people dancing, people exiting or people entering – leaving a moment of disappointing sinking inside myself. But then a hand poked my shoulder, instantly I spun round.


Somewhat disappointed in the different appearance of the female, it was still what I wanted, so we talked for some of the night at the club, got a taxi back to hers and then let the fireworks off.


The next morning it was the simple slip out routine as I arrived at training will a gleaming smile with the next game just around the corner. For the Preston game, I decided to give Kowalinho a chance and rested Zbimg as he seemed somewhat exhausted after last week’s hectic match.


English Third Division
Saturday 14th September 2013
Preston v. Newark
(Proctor pen 90)
MoM – Moreira

Oh how the Gods of football are some the cruellest son of a bitches I don’t know, as they swiped a deserved draw from us, thanks to some hash decision making from some of our players. And the fact that the home sides defence seemed to be like a cemented wall, and we were nothing but a fat kid with a towel trying to know through it. I mean yeah, we rolled into it a few times at a hyper speed, but we didn’t nothing but knock a few bricks out.

Even with the introduction of Zbimg, we couldn’t break down their stubborn fucking defence, and that fucking prick of a goal keeper. It was like we was repeating ourselves again and again, until Preston finally discovered the other side of the pitch on the counter, and with only Baz and Shepard being the only two men in the defending half, it was up to Baz to tackle Beavon, but nope he was skilled. One-on-one with the keeper, the perfect situation – but that didn’t seem to work for Shepard as he went charging out for the ball and tackled Beavon within the box and predictably the ref blew his whistle to point at the spot.


And to add injury to insult, a yellow card was shown. Proctor stood up for the spot and role, confident he smirked as he slotted it into the back of the net. And added his name in the list of people I wanted to punch.


For the League Cup game against Brighton, I made a couple of changes from the 1-0 loss against Preston. Majewski came back in for Wato, and the partnership of Zbimg and Kowalinho was back as Van der Voom was dropped to the bench.


English League Cup
Wednesday 18th September 2013
Newark v. Brighton
(Zbimg ’29)
MoM – G. Greer

A nice performance in which we showed the opposition that we were mightier than them despite what the league structure says, we had over 11 shots on goal against their two. And it was only done due the singular goal because the experience of Jussi Jaaskelainen and the organisation skills he had to order his back-line into place.

Out of our attacking options, it was Hemphill who was making the flow of the game, with his creative spark constantly being a thorn for the away side’s defence and making each set pieces count also. But again, it was the defence that stopped us from gaining any advantage. Gus Poyet seemed happy to play the counter, he knew that eventually they would have the chance – but surprisingly they never seemed to click out of the defensive minded gear!

Annoyed after just near half an hour, The Eejit charged forward like a tank in top gear, bringing all the attention on him and leaving space for Zbimg to run into the box to which The Eejit saw, lobbing into the box and giving Zbimg no chance but to score the goal we just needed.


After two intense games, I was enforced to make some more changes as exhaustion seemed to be on the horizon of some players. Balkenstein made his debut as he start on the left back position, Furman also made his debut also replacing Majewski as Zannit and Henderson would play either wings. Ediz made his first start of the season, as he replaced Kowalinho up-front, who was poor and tired in the League Cup game.


English Third Division
Saturday 21st September 2013
Morecambe v. Newark
(Fenton ‘35, Reid ’79)(Zbimg ’19 ’47)
MoM – L. Zbimg

The match was pretty even, and a draw was a fair result for the two sides, as our second choice team really never got out of the first gear – meaning that the second string side was more like toying with the home side who would want the three points to push on for a promotion position for the season. But it was the debut man Furman who helped deny their hopes first. Crossing from the right wing into the box, the move was finished by the knee of Zbimg as the cross bounced off the ground and lost its original height twenty minutes into the game.

Fenton was able to get the first equaliser from an Ellison corner, as the defence wasn’t able to mark his movement within the box and header in the first goal for the home side of the day. Second half, and Furman found Zbimg again with a nice lob into the free space of the box to which Zbimg powered it in via his head. 1-2.

But once again, the pesky opposition was able to get one back – despite the hard work from the defence, who was able to delay the event for 22 minutes. On the counter Redshaw was able to header down the ball through the last defender to unleash Reid, who took the opportunity the best he can and sent the ball into the back of the net – making it a fair and equal result.

http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&docid=0p-VtEFaZjJhQM&tbnid=yF8kpaITh1_ItM:&ved=0CAUQjBwwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.visualphotos.com%2Fphoto%2F2x 4545896%2Ffans_clapping_at_football_match_13chw016 2rf.jpg&ei=9VSEUtyTLJSjhgfSgIHoDw&psig=AFQjCNFGXx1i4ev7HAJVumDSAOcTNOfGlw&ust=1384490613817640

It was just a day after the result when I needed to go to the market to buy some things for my lunch. As I was in the middle of the town, I was confronted by a random image.


It was that unfunny and talentless Keith Lemon, who made a name for himself by making jokes that a primary school kid would find funnier. It is such a shame that he is able to be between both Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton – lucky son of a bitch! As I thought that, he soon turned with his stupid tanned face towards me and started to walk to me.

Niko: No, go away!
Keith Lemon: *insert sex joke*
Niko: No! Your not funny!! Please just go away!
Keith Lemon: *insert slang name of vagina*
Niko: Your so boring!!

As I said that, suddenly I was transported to another realm.


Niko: Where the hell am i?
Keith Lemon: sex joke, dick joke, sex joke, sexist joke.
Niko: What?

He smiled as he brought out two hot women in leashes.


Niko: You bastard! Those poor hot bitches. You Bastard!

I screamed, getting angrier as he laughed with that annoying laugh.

Niko: I will rid this worse from you, you bastard!

I then punched the fucker right in his face, knocking him onto the floor, releasing the leashes of Fearne and Holly as his head hit the floor. As he laid out on the floor, I then grabbed the shark tooth necklace he wears all the time, and started to stab him with it.

Niko: This is for the time when I watched something on ITV2 and fell asleep, being awoken by your shitty show! And this is for the fact that The Eejit always records all your shit spin-offs! And this is for being able to be around two hot women!

With the last hit, he was no more and I let both Holly and Fearne go. They were both thankful for my heroic rescue, and decided to reward me in a special way.


After that, I swore that if I ever encounter an annoying comedian, I will rid them from ever harming after person ever! With my new quest, it was time for the last game of the month. It was against Southend, and for the home game I was enforced to make a couple of more changes to the ones that was made last time we were playing. Hemphill was reintroduced, as Zannit played on the left as Henderson was rested. Wato come in for Furman, who despite impressing still had some fitness issues. Talbot would be making his debut on the right back position as Liam was given a well-deserved break.


English Third Division
Saturday 28th September 2013
Newark v. Southend
(Wato ’26, Zbimg ’45)
MoM – L. Zbimg

A rocking solid performance in the first sealed yet another win, as we continue to hold onto the lead at the top of the table. We took the game in our stride, dominating early on in the game, finding spaces between the lines of Southend’s midfield – continuously making forward runs, in which the master of the box-to-box run used to his advantage, latching his head onto the dead-ball cross from Balkenstein to score the much deserved first goal.

More of the same after, though it took another 20 minutes till we could add to the lead with the reliable Zbimg releasing the kraken onto the rebound save from Ediz’s weak shot – and boom, 2-0.

Second half seemed kind of repetitive; we had done the job and were simply making sure that a clean-sheet was kept, for the much respectable performance of Shepard. And as soon as the whistle blew, I went over to Paul Sturrock and shook his hand – wishing them luck against 4th position Burton Albion, as his side sat lowly in 13th.


After an intense month, my level of fitness had somewhat decreased with the stress that layered upon my shoulders. Trying to follow the example of some bullshit relaxation books by taking a ‘walk’, but whilst on my travels I was soon interrupted by a solely disfigured creature.


???: If this is how you live you’re walking dreams and you set to ‘relax’, then I pity this whole street!
Niko: And, if this is how you live you’re fantasies and you want to belittle people you don’t even know from a single impress, then I pity your whole existence. And believe me, there is a lot to pity, in terms of you!
???: Good one, Sheldon! FLYING UNICORN!

He screamed out with drool dripping from his mouth, his pretentiousness and egotism obviously interfering with his intelligent – the lack of which that ever existed, or any, if doubted.

Niko: Who the hell do you think you are?
???: I am Charlie, boy!

He said with a smirk, his smell of self-appreciation wondering into the nasals of other listeners. Hatred marked his unavoidable odour – weeping out of every orifice. And soon, among the crowd of bystanders and background characters – the saviour emerged!


A Muscular Cluster – or AMC as his tights proudly announced – the up-coming superhero of Newark.

AMC: What is going on here? I smelt the devious odour of a conceited asshole!
Niko: You’re looking at him…
Charlie: If this is how you live you’re super-hero dreams and beat villains, then I pity this whole Macarena!

Shocked by his words, AMC shook his head in disbelief but grabbing the fat ball of built up agony of a failed life that takes his guilt from comfort eating and demeaning others in order to get a thrill about himself, and literally crushed the fat mass into a round ball – which wasn’t that hard. He then ran at super speed, bending all the lamp-posts into different angles before returning.

AMC: Been a while…

He muttered to himself, as he punched the fat ball out towards the lined out row of bent lamp-posts, following where the fat shit, and playing pinball, till eventually the power of the mass of the body weight with the velocity and speed in which rebounded after each hit caused, made ‘Charlie’ shooting into the sky.

And then even higher, into space, then past the each planet in the solar system, before a little blip was shadowed in the sun-light – and the fat bastard was burnt to a crisp.

AMC: He should have remembered what they say, you are what you eat, and he must have eaten, a lot of crisps!
Niko: Oh My Gawd! AMC killed Charlie, boy!
Kid: Fuck that fat bastard!

Carried out on the shoulders of the crowd, AMC remained in high hopes that maybe this could be a start of a beautiful career – and that was before the crowd chucked him into the cement wall, which crushed his brain into mush, his head being his only weak spot.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! You guys killed AMC!
Crowd: We’re such b:censored:s!

Oh, you guys!

************************************************** **********************************************
English Third Division - Tuesday 1st October 2013
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2013/14 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Newark 10 5 0 0 13 1 2 2 1 9 4 23
2nd Plymouth 10 4 0 1 9 6 3 0 2 10 6 21
3rd Gillingham 10 3 2 0 7 4 3 1 1 5 3 21
4th Burton Albion 10 3 2 0 9 5 3 0 2 10 8 20
5th Torquay 10 4 1 0 13 7 1 2 2 8 11 18
6th Preston 10 4 0 1 8 4 1 2 2 7 7 17
7th Accrington 10 2 2 1 8 7 3 0 2 11 10 17
8th Northampton 10 2 1 2 9 7 2 1 2 13 11 14
9th Yeovil 10 1 1 3 5 7 3 1 1 11 6 14
10th AFC Wimbledon 10 3 2 0 12 9 0 3 2 8 11 14
11th Morecambe 10 3 1 1 11 8 0 3 2 6 8 13
12th Chesterfield 10 3 1 1 11 8 0 3 2 9 12 13
13th Southend 10 2 1 2 9 6 2 0 3 5 9 13
14th Exeter 10 1 1 3 9 13 2 2 1 11 9 12
15th Rotherham 10 0 3 2 5 9 3 0 2 8 8 12
16th Stevenage 10 2 1 2 10 11 1 2 2 5 9 12
17th York 10 2 1 2 7 8 1 1 3 2 5 11
18th Barnet 10 2 1 2 8 10 1 1 3 6 9 11
19th Aldershot 10 1 1 3 9 10 2 0 3 7 9 10
20th Rochdale 10 1 2 2 6 8 1 2 2 6 11 10
21st Fleetwood 10 2 1 2 11 10 0 2 3 6 10 9
22nd Bristol Rovers 10 1 2 2 6 7 1 1 3 8 12 9
23rd Hartlepool 10 2 1 2 10 8 0 1 4 5 12 8
24th Dag & Red 10 0 3 2 6 9 1 1 3 6 11 7

14-11-13, 01:42 PM
* is unhappy about his performance in last matches :/

14-11-13, 11:47 PM
Change is on the horizon.....

15-11-13, 12:12 AM
Cracking work, good to see the club performing well.

Any chance of some player stats please? Games, goals, avg rating etc?

Cheers and KUTGW!

15-11-13, 04:34 AM
Cracking work, good to see the club performing well.

Any chance of some player stats please? Games, goals, avg rating etc?

Cheers and KUTGW!

Look upon the above statement.

Things are to change, and so will the narrative of Niko Bergstrom (historic of the character, which upon might be unknown to post-TEJ readers)

Also i go by monthly installments, therefore what you quote will break the narrative which i have within the story. I can, beit in spoilers of future chapters.

Baron Zbimg
15-11-13, 10:25 AM
A very good start to the season, despite a few bad results. Keep up the good work.

* Is in love with Agent Amy Peach

15-11-13, 12:00 PM
*Ekhem ekhem http://i.imgur.com/KSNFZEF.gif

19-11-13, 12:06 AM
Newark are cruising.

Preston with the old last minute penalty trick the only blip.

22-11-13, 03:24 PM
Unstoppable at home.

The Eejit is a footballing god and such a great guy as well. Could well be ontrack for Man of the year !

EDIT: Hit send too early .... Why ruin the story by introducing Keith Lemon and then not killing him ? What a waste of a chance, if only he had been Canadian singer he would now be splattered over some far off field. Good AMC death. great that you keep comming up with original ideas.

22-11-13, 03:47 PM
Unstoppable at home.

The Eejit is a footballing god and such a great guy as well. Could well be ontrack for Man of the year !

EDIT: Hit send too early .... Why ruin the story by introducing Keith Lemon and then not killing him ? What a waste of a chance, if only he had been Canadian singer he would now be splattered over some far off field. Good AMC death. great that you keep comming up with original ideas.

I did:
I then grabbed the shark tooth necklace he wears all the time, and started to stab him with it

Don't think he would have survived :lol:

22-11-13, 04:00 PM
Sorry. Must have missread. Thought that you had just rescued Holly and Fearne.

BTW. I bet that was fireworks !

22-11-13, 04:04 PM
Anyone give me some cliff's on this story?

Zan stories are amazing but can never follow them :D

27-11-13, 10:28 PM
Anyone give me some cliff's on this story?

Zan stories are amazing but can never follow them :D

Won the English Conference, lost in FA Trophy replay final, killed alot of Candian singers, AMC died a few times.

02-12-13, 03:55 PM
And The Eejit is one of the best, and most humble, players ever to have graced the beautiful game

07-12-13, 03:16 AM
Okay, due to new site rules - i have to remix some stories and come up with new ones, or come from them in a different approach - but i think in the end it would be more funnier or more 'ZanSnake' (how dare i use my name for term for something! Fuck myself! - Well maybe later :eyebrows:).

Alot of football with ye olde styling, one old character shall enter the frame - and there is some shocks to happen down the line as well :D.

Hopefully enough tease in that i will do hopefully two/three updates come Christmas. One from here in Loughborough (now to Thursday) and then two from Newark, when i come back home for Christmas (Friday to New Years). Though incase i don't there is some Xmas references in the one that will come from Lufbra.

Hope i have cleared some shit for you guys, there will be some references to a famous film franchise by the way, which ties in with one occuring storyline.

07-12-13, 05:35 AM
The Second Journey
Chapter Four:
Circumstances Arise!

Breaking into October, tensions ran high with Kowalinho and BobMem – who still wanted to leave the club. So far I was able to keep hold of them, but still every day, they seemed content on leaving the club. I knew that at some point I would have to bite the bullet, but when was the question.

So I tried to keep my mind off the situation with the Gillingham, in which I made only two changes. BobMem was replaced by Collins, and Zbimg was given a rest for Van der Voom – hoping he can kick into life and take away the anxiety that laid within my mind.


Saturday 5th October 2013
English Third Division
Gillingham v. Newark
(Ediz ’88)
MoM – Shepard

But it wasn’t so, as we were bossed for the entire game by the home side – only being able to stay in the game thanks to the exceptional form of Shepard between the posts. The second half was a major improvement when O’Toibin and Furman came on for the lacklustre Wato and Zannit with 68 minutes played.

Furman had the better game out of the two though, as he was the man who threaded the ball between the defiant defences of the home side for Ediz to snatch the late winner – but overall it was a somewhat average performance.


Not wanting to break a winning stride, I was sure that for the next game, any changes would ruin the momentum. So with a same eleven, we would battle hard against Burton on our home turf:


Saturday 12th October 2013
English Third Division
Newark v. Burton
(Ediz ’15, Zannit ’40, Furman ’45)
MoM – F. Hemphill

A brilliant first half moulded by the captain, helped build a less entertaining second half. It took only quarter of an hour till Hemphill solid lobbed ball found the feet of Ediz who simply slotted the ball into the back of the net, to make it 2 goals in two starts this month! In reaction, Burton adapted to a more attacking style, challenging Shepard more than they had earlier, but we were constantly on the counter, with Hemphill agonisingly close to added a second before Webster’s clearance off the line.


Fortune seemed to go against us as Wato was brought down harshly by Webster, enforcing the substitution of Furman, as the team and the fans watched the stretcher escorting Wato out of the stadium.


His presence was felt instantly, as he connected with Hemphill, who held onto the ball for the on-running Balkenstein, who slotted the all into the box to the far end which allowed a terrific Rooney-esque volley into the back of the net, once again showing his improvement he has had this season.

As the added minutes of the half was announced, Van der Voom was in complete control on the wing, holding up the ball and dismissing any defender that came up, until the on-rushing Furman found space within the box, and heading the ball from the cross that was awaiting – sealing the three points and another important home result!


After the game, pundits came straight at me with the questions I didn’t want to answer:

Pundit: So, will BobMem and Kowalinho be Newark players come the end of the season? They haven’t played for the last two games, does that mean the club are trying to find the replacements in sourced rather than bringing new talent?

Holding back my anger, I replied simply:

Niko: The team sheet was chosen by the form show from the last result – which today, showcased why they were chosen. At present, both BobMem and Kowalinho are playing for this club – and that is what I hope it will be in the future. We have a talented squad here, and I am consistently trying to appease all players, and give them the time which they have earned.

Pundit: So you are saying that both BobMem and Kowalinho are staying at the club?

Niko: I am saying that at present, they are my players – the clubs players – and will still play for this club. I would hope you would ask about the game, rather than individuals not related.

I walked off in a huff, angry – thanking god that this wasn’t going to ‘analysed’ by the buffoons on Match of the Day – as if Shearer could tell me how to manage a football club! The guy is practically living off his former glory constantly, and thinks he knows everything!

For the next away game, I decided to try some changes. Henderson, Zbimg and Vasily coming in for Zannit, Van der Voom and the injured Wato, hoping they could continue the good form that we have had during the last two games!


Tuesday 15th October 2013
English Third Division
AFC Wimbledon v. Newark
(Henderson ’39, Hemphill ’59)
MoM – S. Jalal

A fortunate sending off of Dyer just six minutes, resulted in a broken system as the home side tried to crawl themselves in the game – but were put on hold for 33 minutes by the terrific display from goalkeeper Jalal. Another injury as Collins had to be taken off, just two minutes after the sending off Wimbledon doesn’t seem to change their mentality, Jose Hernandez coming on.

Ediz, man of the moment, was the man who helped build the opener, with a lovely timed passed – taking out both the right fullback and centre-back – allowing Henderson to come in and simply curve the ball into the bottom right hand corner. Again the solid performance of Jalal dismissed chance after chance, until Vasily’s smart chip allowed Hemphill to seal the game beyond doubt – making it 9 points out of 9.


After a hectic start to the month, with three games in quick succession and four more yet to come, including the League Cup game against Nottingham Forest, I just wanted to relax for a short while before commanding on for the last couple of games. But, my hope for a Silent Night – was ruined by Three Unwise Men: Eejit, Other Eejit, and a friend of both.


Theo: Niko! C’mon you lazy b:censored:! It’s time to celebrate the night!
Eejit: Yeah, ye lazy jobby! We hae tae ceilidh, an' bang hot kimmers!


Friend: Yeah, there are going to be some teens out there – waiting for us to rip into their dreams – like a clawed knife digging into their skin!
Niko: Okay who is this sick freak, and no!
Theo: That’s Eejit’s friend, Frankie Muniz. Who would’ve thought! And, you never told me you lived with such a party animal? He is a better you then you!
Niko: Bedroom up-stairs if the two of you want to ‘explore’ one another – just leave me here.
Eejit: 'main 'en gaffer, ye shoods hae some fin when ye can! yer auld, sae ye need tae gie as much as ye can - an' ye can wi' lynxx pensioners! reek yoong, bang yoong!
Niko: Cheeky b:censored:! I am only five years older than you!
Theo: Come on Niko, dingle those Jingle Balls into some Nutella and let the awaiting masses of women like ‘em off!
Frankie: Let them lick it, before you tear into them like the eye hole left after you detached the ball – and then insert your-
Niko: What the hell, you sick freak! And no!
Theo: Their will be Ho-Ho-Hoes willing to even do you!!
Eejit: Ah doobt 'at, ta auld dobber!
Niko: Really? Coming from the man who needs a constant translator when doing ‘Lynx adverts’. You do know they dub you over in that with Morgan Freeman, right?
Eejit: whit th' buck? Ah am callin' mah agent reit noo!

As the younger Eejit grabbed his phone, the elder Theodore sat next to me on the sofa – and soon followed the creepy Frankie Muniz – once again trying to reassure me as I overheard the younger one on the phone.

Eejit: Guid day, ama! Ah dornt caur if yoo're tryin' tae sort it yer frock fur th' film premiaur ye hae an extra role in, teel lynx they can dae thes jobby anymair!
Theo: All They Want for Sex-mas is you Niko! Don’t let ‘em down, come with us?
Niko: F:censored: off Theo, I am getting pissed off! Can’t I have a normal f:censored:ing night in!
Theo: Yeah, but not tonight! Last Mess-mas, I gave you a chance – but the very next day you said you come anyway! You promised you’ll come!
Niko: That was years ago, I will Stay Now – right here, at this spot! All night I will watch TV, sleep and wake up tomorrow regretting I didn’t kill you guys!
Theo: Fine, like an old jar of Nutella – you Break My Achey Breaky Heart! But I will not understand why!

As he left with Frankie and the angry other Eejit, I retorted!

Niko: That wasn’t even a Christmas song reference, you dumbf:censored:!

With the enemies of peace, and sanity, leaving – I could finally find peace for once….

Until, a random image emerged into my dining room, which was connected to my living room.


Niko: Oh, what the hell!

And suddenly a car emerged from the spiral, driving into my house and crashing through my front window, into the front garden.

http://collider.com/wp-content/image-base/Clubhouse/B/Back_to_the_Future_Delorean/Back%20to%20the%20Future%20Delorean%20Time%20Machi ne%20(7).jpg

Niko: What the actual hell? My f:censored:ing house!! Who the f:censored: just ruined my house!!

And soon emerged the b:censored: responsible…


Deadman: Niko, you have to come back with me!
Niko: I don’t have to do s:censored:! Look what you f:censored:ing done to my house, you mad b:censored:!

Soon a swarm of bees entered out of the spiral, followed by another person, who swayed around the room with some weird invention on his head. But either worse, he walked straight into my £1000 plasma TV, knocking it off onto the bricks on the floor and smashing to pieces. He soon walked out side and callopsed to the floor.


Another Deadman: Ah! Not the bees, anything but the bees!

He screamed, despite the fact the bees had pissed off to a flower store, I presume, trying to score with the attractive animated store owner – to sue humanity.

Deadman: Oh my God. They found me, I dont know how but they found me. Run for it Niko!
Niko: What? Who?
Deadman: Who do you think?! The Ladybirds!

He screamed as he ran into the road, only to be stopped by the front of a bus, as the ‘bees’ man just died. Literally, just died.

Niko: For f:censored:sake Niko. You just had to say it, you just had to say ‘Silent Night’. It’s like a f:censored:ing invitation for this kind of s:censored: to happen.

I said, walking towards the body, picking it up and throwing it into the passenger side of the car, as I drove the car into the garage. I then grabbed some traffic cones, which was stored in there from a collection of Eejit’s night outs and placed them around the spiral, sitting in the middle of my dining room, and taped the area off, before nicking the fence from next door to cover the large whole that was my alternative way to enter my house.

Niko: I really f:censored:ing hate my life…

I mumbled to myself, as I collapsed on my half-sofa and staring at the wall, which once had a TV in front of it.

With my relaxation time ultimately becoming chaotic, I soon put my head back into football with the next game. I made two changes to the side with Jose Hernandez coming in at right back and Kowalinho coming in the fray of uniting with Zbimg up-front:


Saturday 19th October 2013
English Third Division
Newark v. Chesterfield
(Henderson ’24, Kowalinho ’55)(Allott ’57)
MoM – J. Hernandez

Still winning as usual, this was good for me!

The first goal came from circumstance as Vasily couldn’t find any room to shoot on goal, so reluctantly toppled the ball forward which was met with the diving header of Henderson 24 minutes into the game, giving us a deserved lead. Cometh the second half, and the even game came down to the post-55 minute mark. Within two minutes, the game found some kind of energy from an otherwise tiring game as Jose Hernandez tied his perfect defensive performance with an attacking intent, crossing the ball from the right wing for Kowalinho to score a terrific volley ball into the back of the net for his fifth of the season – which he celebrated by showing the number of his ‘agent’ on his t-shirt.

But the glory hunting Kowalinho wasn’t the only one to score within that inspired 120 seconds, as Allot was given space to score what seemed to be a comeback – but alas it wasn’t and we had held on for another three points and a decisive win.

Another mid-week travel, and another opportunity to continue our grand month with Northampton looking like relegation batter. And in order to gain the three points, it was another unchanged side battling for the win:


Tuesday 22nd October 2013
English Third Division
Northampton v. Newark
(Vasily 36’ 76’, The Eejit ’73)
MoM – The Eejit

And in order to show the order of class, we brushed them aside like an obese kid does with his vegetables. We were showing the greatness, and it came through the heart of midfield! With Vasily and The Eejit on top form, Vasily headed in from the far post thanks to a Hemphill free kick 36 minutes in, as The Eejit commanded the defence to hold onto the lead come the end of the half.

The second half was more about the defensive mind-set of the team being tested, in which The Eejit earned a yellow card in the process, but it was The Eejit who scored the second as he ripped apart the defence after picking up the ball from Balkenstein – who notched an assist, though didn’t deserve – as The Eejit swayed throughout the defence before hooking the ball into the back of the net 73 minutes on. But, not to be over-shadowed by the defensive midfielder Vasily smashed home his second just three minutes later to put the game past it all, and deservedly get the large win.

But in order of not being dismayed by the importance of the Cup game against Nottingham Forest, I decided to rest some player when we faced Aldershot at home, with the introductions of Zannit, Ediz, Clayton, Baz and BobMem to still us a bite, without exerting our arsenal.


Saturday 26th October 2013
English Third Division
Newark v. Aldershot
(Henderson ’21, Vasily ’51)(Donnelly ‘3)
MoM – R. Hoolihan

Despite the result, it was a tense and well fought out result, which was unlucky for the away side as they dug in from the get go to get the unlikely goal and tried to play off the counter to ensure they could get the three points – but it was the connection of the two wingers that brought in the equaliser, despite the attempts from Zbimg – Zannit’s crossed, from near the corner flag, was pounced on with a skilful flick from Henderson 21 minutes in to equal the game.

The second half was the same display from the away side, playing off the counter and trying to get the lead once more – being denied from the formidable partnership of Hoolihan and BobMem, who last season saved us so many times! And thankfully, because of that Vasily’s predator like pounce from a Kowalinho shot made it the winning goal, with more than forty minutes still to play.

But all in all, it came down to one match.


The Third Round match-up against local rivals Nottingham Forest, former employers of Captain Fraser Hemphill, who was energised to get back at then after releasing after a short stint of injuries. He wasn’t the only team-mate wanting to pounce on the chances, as changes were made. Furman, The Eejit, Zbimg and Balkenstien introduced back into the side with the captain, as both BobMem and Hoolihan retained their positions thanks to a brilliant defensive showing against Aldershot!


Wednesday 30th October 2013
League Cup Third Round
Newark v. Nottm Forest

We had the home advantage, it was the eve of Halloween but who was getting the trick or treat?

Anxiously I emerged from the tunnel – the tunnel I have come accustomed to now-a-days – with a waterfall of sweat coming from every spore on my body. The players were the exact opposite. They felt excited, feeding off the heated exchange of the fans, as I shook hands with the former England under-21 and Forest legend/manager Stuart Pearce.


From the instance, you could tell it wasn’t going to be a bore of a game. Both teams were intent on winning, going out with a gung-ho style – with one side instantly alert! Furman was able to dispossess the Nottingham Forest midfielder, and rushed onto sight drawing the defenders his way, before passing through to Kowalinho who collected the ball. Seconds just gone by, as Kowalinho dummied his way through the right wing into the box – but still the angle was surely too awkward for a goal? Right?

He powered his right foot, and….


Broke the away sides jaws with a gasping goal! Within one minute we had the lead, and instantly as the ball curved into the top right, he ran over to the Home fans with jubilation on his face. Passion was etched onto him, as a certain former England player once showed, that was the player I wanted to keep – not the corrupted shell, but the nugget of perfection within.

The whole team ran up to him, diving onto one another, with one man going for it the most – the captain – who was dancing like he had won the world cup. A stern shout that the game had just started soon made them realise that we still had another 89 minutes! The players ran back into position for the restart. And kick-off occurred!


“But surely not??”

I screamed.

As I just witness Harding go through my midfield like a knife through butter, but worse still was the terrific run of McGuan just near of the post – luckily BobMem headed the ball out of the box to the feet of Greening, who as he was just about to get set to have a go on goal, was tackled from Hoolihan. Turning round and walking back to my seat, I needed to keep my blood temperature down – but it heighten once more when I heard screams coming from the away side.


The free ball had fallen to Guedioura, who simply scored a cracker into top right from 40 yards. And after just 2 and a half minutes, there were two goals – coming from both sides, both being crackers of a goal.

From then, I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy game.

A Hemphill corner, flying into the box – misheaded by Furman, but flicked on near-post by Kowalinho only to be deflected by Divine for another corner! The inspired captain curved the ball in an immense angle, aiming for the on-rushing Hoolihan who header went flying into the air, looking to chip the keeper but it was pushed over by the finger-tips of Evtimov!

Another corner gone, another chance being denied! I was on the edge of my seat, as another chance went by – as Pearce was dancing in his technical area with pride and then with anger.


No matter how many chances came calling, they were being thwarted time and time again! It was more teasing than a trailer of a Porno starring Megan Fox! Zbimg, Henderson, Hoolihan (again), Hemphill, Furman, Kowalinho… all being denied in search of the lead, and Pearce was omitted with defending all in his own box. They had the WHOLE car park in that box, and no matter what we couldn’t find space!


When the whistle came for the end of the agony, I crawled over to Pearce and just shook my head.

“How do I beat you?”

I asked him with real interest, as he laughed it off, all I could do was hope that the lads could find something from a speech.


In the locker-rooms, I entered stumbling with words in my head as to what to say. For the first time in such a long while, I was blank. My tongue had gone. The players looked at me with puppy dogs eyes, and I had no bones to give them. As I was about to resign to defeat, there was one mouth jumping to inspire the disheartened team – the Captain, the former Nottingham Forest academy player.

Hemphill: Come on lads! We aren’t here to resign defeat, to be oppressed by the ‘greater’ team! We are here to show our case. We have been written off before, we ripped those pages apart! We had been called ‘individuals’, but I just saw a team! I know we are tired, exhausted, feeling like we can’t win – I know the gaffer might be running through hoops looking for a solution – but we should be the ones doing that! We have scaled them back to pitching into that box, we have hunted them to their half – they should be AFRAID of US! Not us, THEM! I don’t know about you, but I am FEARLESS. I am a WARRIOR! And as a FEARLESS WARRIOR, I will charge! I know no defeat. I will run till my body fails me, and even when I can’t run, I will CRAWL in order to fight for this team – for this club, FOR THOSE FANS! So, what are you? ‘Scared Individuals’ or ‘a TEAM of FEARLESS WARRIORS’?!

The lads jumped into the air with determination. Blood started to pump into once-dead corpses. They were ready to fight, and I fed from that, ready to believe and see the lads through to the next round!


For the fourth time, the game kick-offed.

And within ten minutes we had another saved attempt, this time coming from a Hemphill free-kick which result with Hoolihan being denied from a hand of Evtimov. Another and another came, Kowalinho inspired attacks as did Furman – but each resulted the same way, wide or saved.

Twenty minutes left to play, and Nottingham Forest made changes – Pearce looked at me with a devastating look, he knew that at some point there will be one mistake, one tired pair of legs, and they would pounce. But, I didn’t believe that, is started to chant ‘come on boys’.

3 minutes after the changes, Nottingham Forest surged on with three men attacking. Guedioura looked determined for a second, but he wasn’t the only threat – Derbyshire and Cox was pouncing on in – but it was Guedioura who was making, cutting the defence down from the back-tracking Hemphill to BobMem – he was one-on-one with Shepard, I looked away in anguish as the shot was taken…



Shepard dived instantly, reacting like a superhero, but they had another opportunity with the corner. Harding took it, and flew it in towards the head of Matt Derbyshire who headed on target, which the superman saved once again, smothering it out. But it landed to Halford, who held up play for Guedioura, who then passed it to Cox, who chipped the ball in perfectly for the awaiting Derbyshire who headed the ball….



Heart in my mouth, I urged the lads to continue. And they did, with a tug of war with both sides in midfield, but then came the stoppage time.


Simon Cox had the ball, and suddenly he became Messi, taking on anyone who was in his way. Maybe we had ran for too much on our luck? Maybe the greatness in the classes is too far different? One-on-one, surely he would have to end this dreaded teasing – this endless torture of hope!

With a smirk etched onto his face, he powered up and..



The ball bounced off the side of his foot and horribly wide! We were a life line from the Gods of Football! Instantly it was switched! Shepard launched the ball forward, Zbimg came deep and chest it down. Holding up the play he then dribble past Kern Miller easily, turned his direction and played it to Furman who collected it well – the former Chelsea youth player looked up and passed it on the edge of 45 yards to emotional and exhausted Hemphill, this was his moment, his chance to get back to the club that rejected him! He smashed the ball terrificly at the side, but maybe too much power?

“No, he over shot it! It’s going to go over the bar!!”

I screamed in agony, but…


It happened.

The goal. The goal that eluded happened. And it was him – Hemphill. The rejected man, the local boy, the captain. The ball dipped and curved round into the top corner, out of the reach of the determined Evtimov.

We had done it. Hemphill slid to the fans, kissing the badge on his shirt with tears crawling down his face. This was more then just a match, it meant more for him and it took him away from agony – finally he was free!

Fans cheered, screaming like apes, as I collapsed onto the floor in exhaustion. After a few more minutes, the players walked back into position, with Hemphill still sweeping away tears from under his eyes. But the kick-off meant nothing as nearly instantly, it was over.


Fans emerged onto the pitch, as they watched the first ever win against the rivals in what was an amazing display of football. They grabbed Hemphill onto his shoulders and paraded him around the stadium like a king, as he smiled as his red eyes beamed out.

I just stayed kneeling onto the floor, tired and exhausted. After all I had been through in the last months here, this felt like a massive achievement. From Babe, to the FA Cup Final Replay – it all was brushed under but now, it came onto the surface. I was here for one reason, and today felt like a real start.

My moments of real relaxation, was soon interrupted by a grasp of a hand on my shoulder, with a tired look, I stared at the owner of the hand.


Pearce: Good game mate, good game. You gave us a real good fight out there and won deservedly. You going to go far kid, maybe you can manage Forest someday? Of course after me, but that will be some time from now!

He said, tapping me on the shoulder like a father I never had. I nodded and agreed that it was a good game, and hugged him. Finally some sense of recognition from a peer – and hopefully a start to something.


After the game, I was then encouraged from a nice little spot in a national newspaper:


Maybe we were finally being recoginised in a larger scale?


************************************************** **********************************************
English Third Division - Saturday 2nd November 2013
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2002/3 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Newark 16 8 0 0 20 3 5 2 1 15 4 41
2nd Plymouth 16 7 0 1 16 8 5 0 3 17 11 36
3rd Morecambe 16 6 1 1 15 8 2 3 3 15 15 28
4th Preston 16 6 1 1 14 7 2 3 3 12 13 28
5th Gillingham 16 5 2 2 11 8 3 1 3 6 6 27
6th Accrington 16 3 3 2 12 12 4 1 3 13 12 25
7th Yeovil 16 3 2 3 11 8 4 1 3 15 12 24
8th Barnet 16 5 1 2 15 13 2 2 4 12 14 24
9th Burton Albion 16 4 3 1 14 10 3 0 5 12 16 24
10th Torquay 16 5 1 1 16 10 2 2 5 13 20 24
11th Southend 16 4 1 3 13 9 3 0 5 9 13 22
12th Stevenage 16 4 1 3 16 17 2 3 3 9 12 22
13th Aldershot 16 4 1 3 18 12 2 1 5 10 14 20
14th Hartlepool 16 5 1 2 18 13 1 1 6 10 17 20
15th AFC Wimbledon 16 4 2 2 16 15 1 3 4 10 15 20
16th Rochdale 16 3 2 3 11 11 2 3 3 10 14 20
17th Rotherham 16 2 4 2 11 12 3 1 4 10 13 20
18th Exeter 16 2 2 4 12 15 3 2 3 14 13 19
19th Bristol Rovers 16 1 5 2 9 10 3 2 3 11 13 19
20th Chesterfield 16 4 2 2 15 12 0 3 5 13 19 17
21st York 16 3 2 3 15 15 1 2 5 4 10 16
22nd Northampton 16 2 1 5 10 14 2 2 4 18 20 15
23rd Dag & Red 16 2 3 3 12 14 1 2 5 9 19 14
24th Fleetwood 16 2 1 5 14 19 0 2 6 8 19 9

07-12-13, 10:01 AM
Cracking update, full of emotional highs (and some weird bits :D)

Amazing game from BobMem, 9 out of 9 tackles! Really hope I stay at the club.


07-12-13, 01:54 PM
Finally! :D

But if i wont be playing more often i will think about leaving club.

07-12-13, 05:27 PM
Finally! :D

But if i wont be playing more often i will think about leaving club.

You played four times in seven games, not enough? :D

07-12-13, 06:05 PM
4/7 is not enough ;)

07-12-13, 10:50 PM
No good for a work permit...

09-12-13, 10:10 AM
Serene. Cool as a cucumber. The Eejit continues to make his claim for international recognition.

Great storylines outside of the football with a typical Zan-like "how the hell did we get here" feeling to the plots.

21-12-13, 12:41 AM
Just for the case of knowing, anyone who remembers the 'spiral' from TEJ please like this post :D

Either way gonna explain it in the next chapter (half-done, alcohol and settling at home is priority atm :D Though should be up with two by Christmas day to make it referential (will be double month ie two chapters running off one another) so it will make sense, as well as with the shockers :O).

Just to say two things: 1) Change is on the horizon 2) Blue in a red and white/gold army....

22-12-13, 07:18 AM
The Second Journey
Chapter Five:
Came in Like a Wrecking Ball

Coming out of such a hectic October month, it seemed like the fluency wasn’t going to change that much for November, as the draw for the Fourth Round of the League Cup was announced:



Birmingham City was fighting for the freedom of still being a Premier League, after going up only last season as Champions, and looked set to be a more difficult task then play-off pushing Nottingham Forest who we had just been able to fight against.

Determined that with the games only being a small amount between now and the showdown, I wanted to use the away game against Accrington Stanely as a sign for things to possibly come, with an unchanged side from the team that faced Nottingham Forest:


Saturday 2nd November 2013
English Third Division
Accrington v. Newark
(Linfield ’40, Murphy ’59)(Furman ’17)
Balkenstein S/o 60
MoM – W. Hatfield

But it seemed to be an unwise decision, as only 2 minutes into the game we forced a substitution as BobMem limped off the pitched, changed for Baz to play alongside Hoolihan – but thankfully, the unfortunate injury didn’t stop us from gaining the lead as Furman volleyed into the back of the net 17 minutes played, helped by a cross from the young Mark Henderson.

But after that, the tides started to turn – as if a hurricane had erupted on the written pages! Hatfield, the tormenter in the heart of Accrington’s attack, played a well-timed pass for the feet of Linfield to snatch an equaliser. Exhaustion and lack of concentration ruled out any hopes of a comeback in the second half, as Chippendale’s cross cut through the defence and was tapped in by Murphy an hour gone.

Anger cloaked the side, with Balkenstein taking his frustrations just seconds after the restart, kicking Almond in retaliation of his defence of Hatfield’s push and earned a red card – Hatfield only getting a yellow – and gifting the home side a one man advantage, which thankfully they couldn’t use well.


In retaliation of the poor performance, I decided to make three changes (or forced to due to BobMem’s dead leg and Balkenstein’s suspension) with Liam replacing the vice-captain, Dean Moxey playing left back and Vasily entering the fray at the heart of the midfield, after a nice string of performances the last time he was called upon. With the changes, all I could hope was that October’s Young Player of the Month, Kowalinho, would step up:


Saturday 9th November 2013
English Third Division
Newark v. Stevenage
(Kowalinho ’31, Vasily ’41)
MoM – Kowalinho

Luckily he did just that!

With a terrific attacking display throughout both halves, it was a good result – though would have been better if The Eejit wasn’t forced to come off with a thigh strain just 14 minutes into the game, with Dean Furman coming on to force to go from a 4-4-2 diamond to a conventional 4-4-2. But, it was Kowalinho amazing determination half-an-hour in that turned my frown upside down, with an exceptional solo goal!

For the second, just ten minutes on, it was Henderson once again making the assist with a nicely timed curved cross into the far post for Vasily to header in the winner. For the second half, we remained in control and just passed the ball, rather than potentially tire ourselves out.


The game was an incredible response to the shocking defeat to Accrington, and allowed us to still remain top of the table. As celebrations still ran high, I had all my intent drawn into the Vans Trophy North 1st Round draw:

Bradford - a good challenge against the play-off winners of last season, and surely a good passage into the second Round? Only time will tell!

After the Vans Trophy draw, I retired back home, where I was able to amend by broken wall and TV, but still had to home the strange cornered off spiral in the heart of my dining room. Relaxing back and watching some random DVDs I bought from a guy on the street corner, who turned out to be a former BlockBusters employee, I felt at ease. But, of course, when I feel relaxed something always had to eradicate the feeling, as the spiral started to grow density.


And as surely as I ran and held onto the new TV, something emerged from the annoying plot-device.


Which was the same b:censored: who cause the whole mess in the first place, though seemed to be rendered differently.

Gameboy: Ah, it worked! And you must be a living being from ‘here’!

He said with a gleaming smile, acknowledging my existence as I clenched onto my TV.

Niko: I don’t know who the hell you are, but stay the f:censored: back! Get back from my TV!
Gameboy: Oh, I see! Televisions have either became a religious item or spousal options for the clinically insane.

He said, writing down s:censored: into a note-pad.

Gameboy: Marvelous!
Niko: Look, I have had enough of ‘you’ people coming into my living room, and wrecking my s:censored:!
Gameboy: ‘You’ people? Maybe hatred for graphic-based characters within this realm?

He said, continuing to write notes.

Niko: What? No! I meant people who seem to dimension jump whenever they want around me, like I am some circus freak attraction! All you do is f:censored: up my life! Hell, I doubt Jose Mourinho had someone randomly teleporting into his home, and crashing through his front window! Nor, a random guy with a weird Bee fetish crashing into his TV!
Gameboy: Ah! So I get it, you mean that I am not the only person to have found how to dimension jump within the multi-verse? And that you seem to be the ‘magnet’ within this realm?
Niko: A what? Are you trying to call me a brace face attractor or something? Because I can show you pictures of the women I have been with, and I mean some down right naughty pictures!
Gameboy: No, no, no! Let me first explain myself, as I can’t be called ‘Gameboy’ all the time now, could i? Anyway, my name is Professor Emmet Brown, I have a major in Artistic Mediums of Classic Devices and work for a company called ObsCorp. My job is to create plot devices in which enhance a single story of an artistic piece of entertainment to the point where it creates a fundamental interest in gormless idiots.


Niko: What?
Emmet Brown: Basically, I was the guy who invents structures to a plot – I introduced Infinity Ward to Russians as an enemy, to explosions, to a single playing style, and a generic storyline. That is what I do! I also am the person who tells other people bout stuff, that may seem confusing in a general sense – like right now!
Niko: So your purpose is to ruin games and then describe how you ruined them to other people?
Emmet Brown: Yes – like an average writer of IGN, though like them, give me money and I might differ my approach to said product.
Niko: Okay, so what is this thing?
Emmet Brown: A spiral to another dimension, in this sense, a random jump into another universe with no control – so you can give somewhere without knowing where you are going beforehand.
Niko: Right, so can I destroy it or move it from there?
Emmet Brown: GREAT SCOTT, NO! If one attempt of trying to interfere with the sphere of that spiral and then catastrophic things may happen! We might unleash Justin Bieber into my world!!
Niko: Okay, I get it!
Emmet Brown: Well, now my role as the character that explains everything is done – I am not needed here any more!

He said, before grabbing a pistol, aiming it to his head and pulling the striker – spraying blood everywhere, including on my new white Panda rug! A Master of Classic’s dead body started to light up and then disappeared with only his blood stained onto my rug.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! AMC ruined my new rug!


Niko: You know what; it doesn’t work if there isn’t anyone else here!

For the second month in the row, the month of football would be ending with a intense cup game, but – unlike the previous month – there was another cup game that stood in the way. The last month of December was also going to be an intense month with the ending of the year coming, in which I wanted to end the year as league leaders, and the first Trophy game. I had two ambitions for the season, to win the Vans Trophy and the league – and to be able to do that I would need to end this year on a high, and then start the next one from the same momentum.

Talk about stress!


For the 1st Round tie of the FA Cup, we were facing Scunthorpe away – with the League Cup against Premier League side Birmingham City just afterwards – I stayed awake thinking of what was needed to be done to ensure a win, and after carefully thinking, I made one decision – Clayton will come back into the side as The Eejit will be dropped due to a thigh strain suffered from the last game, even though The Eejit has been performing outstandingly in comparison to last season and surely would have been a key component to the overall teams performance.


Saturday 16th November 2013
English FA Cup 1st Round
Scunthorpe v. Newark
(Kowalinho ’19 ’30)
MoM – Kowalinho

An intense game –with both sides coming out attacking – with us thankfully being the more alert for goal as 80% of Scunthorpe’s shots didn’t even meet the hands of Shepard. The attacking was the thrill of the game, always so agonisingly close, but never finding the back of the net or being blocked to the next process – and it was due to this that we were able to get a corner, which Hemphill took like usual, with a curling far post header of Kowalinho sealing our efforts.

But it didn’t as long for Kowalinho to seal the brace, as it was another fine example of attacking display as half-an-hour into the game, Vasily marched forward only to look up once to see the free space behind the last man, lobbed the ball into the narrow space, but before bouncing off the ground it was stroked by the boot of Kowalinho. Two goals in the first half, and the sealer for the next round of the FA Cup – the second half was like watching paint dry in contrast, but still added tense moment as Scunthorpe attempted to crawl back some leverage, but the crosshairs seemed to be set on the disable fat kid behind the net rather then the net itself.

After the game – and after having to apologising to the fat disable kid’s mother for the opposition’s poor shooting – I emerged into the locker room with the match ratings that Riley had gathered of the players performances in the game:


Anxiety was in the air as the game against Birmingham game closer – this was our opportunity to continue our resistance against the idea that we were weak and would crumble down to the supierority – so the pressure was mounted. The Nottingham Forest game was the taste of a little crumb of the greater challenges that would await us. Inspired by the idea of causing yet another upset, it was time for some changes – while still ruining the winning the formula.


One change was somewhat easy to make, O’Toibin was coming back in after Henderson struggled against Scunthorpe – but decided that for the second change was somewhat a risky. Despite the fact that Vasily had improved massively in terms of his effect on the team, Wato has shown he was the man who could be trusted for both support in building up attacks as well as venturing forward and scoring crucial goals. Despite wanting to make more changes, The Eejit still remained injured, BobMem also – I needed to be 100% that the eleven that would start would be potent enough to gain the win that I sought to go to the next round.

Especially with the prospect of meeting FA Cup winner or the dwelling First Division mid-tablers:


I knew which one would most likely to happen, and which one I would want – despite the fact it would be a greater challenge – it would be the teams real first taste of the ‘high class’ of the Premier League.


Wednesday 20th November 2013
English League Cup 4th Round
Birmingham v. Newark

Birmingham was playing with a 442 with one attacker dropping back, which meant that the stronghold of the game would be between two teams midfielders, knowing that with Clayton playing as the deep-playmaker, his role might not be as strong as I would hope, putting more empathise on Wato to help back-track.

The pressure was on from the ‘experts/pundits’ that we should be parking the bus in front of the goal, that it would be suicidal to go out all-attack against Lee Clark’s team – but I knew with the right pep talk – we could take it to them. So before the game I ran into Birmingham’s offices and printed out what would be the awe-inspiring song that I knew would inspire the lads!


I walked into the locker-room confidently, with the printed speech of a generation in my hand! As the lads tried to calm the nerves, and get some composure – the silence was killer, knife through butter kind of shit! So I started the speech…

Niko: We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We wished, We fell under the spell.
A mission no one could deny

Zbimg: Are they the lyrics to-

Niko: Don't you ever say we just walked away
We will always want it
We can't live a failure, running for our life
We will always want it!

Hemphill: Gaffer, please don’t tell me you actually using those lyrics as a speech?

Niko: We came in like a wrecking ball
We never hit so hard in it all
All we wanted was to break their walls
All we ever did was wreck them
Yeah, we, we’ll wreck them

But before I could continue sounding smashing through the wall was…


Which went through both sides; as Miley Cyrus, with cocaine smeared all over her nose, eyes bubbling out of her skull, went flying off into the horizon of Birmingham. The lads just sat and stared at the carnage of the scene, as a Birmingham City cub representative came rushing to the locker room door.

Rep.: Mr Bergstrom, don’t use that song!

She screamed as she pushed the door open.

Rep.: If you sing that song then-

She was about to say, but cut herself off as she saw the damage of a wrecking ball in the locker-room.

Rep.: I will contact your owners about playing for the damages of this.

She said with an up-turned facial expression, before prancing out of sight. The inspiring atmosphere had been wrecked – literally, by a wrecking ball!

Instead I crunched the paper into a ball, and sighed before opening my lips.

Niko: Okay that didn’t exactly work as I thought it would – but what I wanted to get through to you guys is to remember what we have accomplished to get here. And remember your younger selves. I mean, I remember myself as a rebellious teenager, breaking every rule that was put in my way, to break the preoccupations that people had to me, to make myself know that I am not going to be played – of course that was before I knew that my whole journey into football was a scheme for me to take over a terrorist organisation – but use that today! We are the losers, once again, the ones going out-there for a cause already done! But no, we won’t! Like a wrecking ball we will break down those ignorant walls – and give them f:censored:ers what we are! Warriors!

Silence. Maybe it had worked?

Kowalinho: Niko, I don’t how to tell you that but, you always say that? So how is it any different than usual, if I said that right?
Wato: Yeah gaffer, chill your beans man! We will win, I mean we are awesome! Like Joel Power says, we are here because we are awesome! So let’s be awesome!
Niko: But… this is kind of a different deal…
Wato: Not really. Just another team in a ‘better league – but hey, Forest was meant to be ‘better’ and we won that! Scunthorpe too, we will win so chill your beans! We are awe-wait-till-the-final-score-some, we are awesome!

The lads clapped as Wato cheered on as ‘awesome’ was chanted, and so I let the team run out onto the pitch with a happy thought – though somewhat pissed about the fact it wasn’t my speech.


As the ball was kicked, the positive influence of a speech not coming out of my mouth took effect – Hemphill instantly feeding a chance for Zbimg which bounced off the post and wide. Positive!

But countered was Sekajja chipping the ball for the giant Zigic to header – which thankfully was scrapped away by Shepard’s feet and Liam’s clearance, showing some nervous legs out there. Negative.

And that is what really the first ten minutes, was with each attack being contended in the centre of the park – making my assumption that the midfield battle would be the most important in the game!

But despite the war in the centre, the attacks were curving more on the wings with both O’Toibin and Ambrose constantly testing the defensive qualities of the full-backs. And only 10 minutes after Ambrose’s dangerous cross wasn’t capitalised onto, it was O’Toibin who was charging pass the right back and crossing an inch-perfect curving ball which was meant on the head by Kowalinho, which went flying into the back of the net!


His tenth of the season, and the first goal of the game!! And more importantly, the fricking lead.

Holding on for the next fifteen minutes was the most important thing to do, especially Zigic the target-man was put into enforce heading the ball down for Ntambwe who..



Another attempt was saved from the finger-tips of Shepard – making sure he was still alert – as we tried to counter, with one opportunity after Carr brought down O’Toibin 35 yards out and gaining a yellow card in response, and Hemphill just above the crossbar.


Finally it was the break, and despite claims from Riley and Joel to go defensive, trying to convince to use subs to bring more options onto the field, but I knew that if we kept playing the same manner in the second half with the same mentality then we would seal the win with another goal, and then go on for the last two league games of the month with a 100% percentage come Christmas – it was all planned perfectly.


But, the second half was different, the over-confidence emerged from lads. Allowing even more time on the ball, them winning more space in the centre which after just 9 minutes after the kick-off earned them


An equaliser.

Redmond’s direct dribble took the defence out of position allowing the run of Zigic to be ignored, and with a simple lob, allowed him to head the ball into the back of the net. All the hard work – gone!

But no! I still believed we could bounce back – we scored late in the Forest game and we can do it again!

But no, after twenty minutes of watching the chances go wide or saved, the egos emerged onto the surface more than a zit on a greasy teenager. There was no urgency from the lads, they were allowing Birmingham to play the game! No substitution could change a team mentality so negative. We allowed defender Murphy enter our half, and with so much time, crossed a devastating ball into the box, which…


Sekajja was able to get to after Liam’s poor defending, who turned a blasted the ball into the top right corner – the game killer finally putting to bed that we were just a Third Division fodder.

The game then just went by, as I sat into the bench watching the fans leaving the stadium despite the 15 minutes left to play – the first time I had seen our fans leave early in my whole tenure!

Finally came the final whistle and the deluded remains laid in shatters on St. Andrew stadium. Silence from the bus ride back to Newark, I knew I should have responded to the bad performances of Eddy Wato, Jose Hernandez, Dean Moxey and Shepard.


And looking at the overall possession stats, it painted a better image to the one I had watched:


After such a disappointing result and player performances, I wanted to make some grand changes to the side – but I realised that maybe that one result could bring the bite back in an aggressive manner! So, instead of making a large majority of changes I only made one – Ediz to come in for Zbimg, who was performing as a shell of himself this season. Hope still flew within my veins and I didn’t want another taste of defeat this month.


Saturday 23rd November 2013
English Third Division
Newark v. York
(Wato ’45)(Fairclough ’72)
MoM – Kowalinho

A solid first half performance was ruined by a disrespectful second performance from a team that had lost it’s belief. It was clear that some of the lads would need to time to recollect their thoughts – but with such a tight amount of points between ourselves, Plymouth and Gillingham – we needed them to be ready!

Kowalinho was the bright spark, holding up play and intergrating with his team mates in attacks, setting up a nicely timed lay-off for Wato to smash just outside the box – but he was let down by lacklustre defensive performances from Hernandez, Liam and even Shepard who allowed Fairclough to steal two points – with the away game against Plymouth ending the month.

Between the draw and the Plymouth game was the draw for the 2nd Round of the FA Cup, hoping for an easy opponent to raise moral within the camp, I kept my fingers crossed:


Cheltenham, the relegation fodder of the Second Division, a brilliant opponent to start the next decisive month with.

But it was another intense game, in that we were facing the second placed Plymouth away from home. An important game, which could decide the way the teams sway. After reading my rapping booklet, I then took my attention to the squad selection. And thankfully, the choices was more varied then previously! Back into the team came Zbimg, after Ediz just didn’t do enough, The Eejit, who was finally fit to play a role within the squad, and BobMem, who was also returning from injury. Shepard was able to keep his role within the squad, after the realisation that Wood just wasn’t good enough to even compare to him.


Saturday 30th November 2013
English Third Division
Plymouth v. Newark
(Gurrieri ’25, Young ’55)(Wato ’40 ’68)
MoM – C. Nelson

Another poor defensive performance which was saved thanks to two people – Fraser Hemphill and Eddy Wato – who step up the challenge to take the point. Though overall it was a solid performance, the poor defensive work in the 25th minute allowed the midfielder Gurrieri to simply slice the defence into half and score a solo goal – fingers being pointed at Moxey – but we responded thanks to the usual brilliant corner, with Wato jumping with determination over the home defence to seal another goal.

The second half didn’t start particularly perfect either, as the substitute Young was able to find space to score from a rebound off a Shepard save, giving the home side the lead for the second time, five minutes shy of the hour mark. But, yet again, the lads showed character to bounce back – with Hemphill crossing a low driven ball, after a nice one-two with Zbimg, which was found once again with the powerful feet of Wato, Lampard-esque.

More pleased with the result than the last result, as we showed the character that the team had inherited from last season – but I was somewhat cautious after I was called in to see Yermolai, who had been one a ‘vacation’ for the past couple of months. Nervously knocking on the door, I entered the room to see the large figure.


Niko: Yermolai! You’re back?
Yermolai: Indeed I am Nikolavski, though I am not here to celebrate anything – rather to disown!
Niko: What do you mean?
Yermolai: I want to talk about what happened in Birmingham, Nikolavski!
Niko: Look, I know it wasn’t a grand performance from the lads – but I am sure we can bounce back and meet the requirements of winning the league and have a grand opportunity to go to the next round of the Vans Trophy!
Yermolai: Yes, that indeed was an unpleasant performance – but no, I mean the damages you caused. I come back from a nice vacation in the Smirnoff mountains to find a large bill from Birmingham City about you causing a large amount of destruction in their away locker-room? I know that some people like to have mental holds over their opponents, but for Vodka’s sake Nikolavski! You do not destroy something that is owned with witnesses! You should have done a Brighton – and just went to the toilet on the floor!
Niko: Really? You are going to blame that on me? How about f:censored:ing forwarding that bill to Miley Cyrus! She’s the one who came in like a wrecking ball, she’s the wo wanted to break those walls! No me! Her!
Yermolai: But you sang the song – that ushers her! And now I will have to spend some of the club’s money in repairing those damned walls! Do you know how much that will cost you sonofabeer?
Niko: What the hell? You are telling me off because you had to spend some of the club’s money because of that, yet you use it to f:censored: off to some weird Vodka fetish springs for months? Not a single invest within this team!

He then grabbed a pistol from his desk and aimed it at my head.

Yermolai: Are you telling me how to spend my money, Nikolavski? You think you can judge me? Do I need to make you remember your position within this company? I already have a financial advisor – and he is Jewish – better then whatever crap you are!
Niko: Well, how about allowing me to spend money investing on players?
Yermolai: We can’t! Your team right now, on wages, is costing the club every month! I want the opposite. You will have to sell players to balance the books – while still winning the league and the trophy, so that I can drink Vodka from it!
Niko: You want me to do…. What?
Yermolai: By the end of the season, I want to see the club within the green.

He said before ushering me out. So I will HAVE to sell players in order to keep the club financial grand? As well as keeping the team on-target?

I kept thinking it through as I drove back home, but as I entered the living room, my anger I kicked a mug The Eejit left on the floor which went straight into the spiral.


And before I could react, soon everything within distance was being sucked into it. A vacuum emerged sucking everything in its way. As I held onto the latches of the way, I started to fly in the air.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! This sucks more…..

But soon my grip wasn’t strong enough, as I soon started to fly towards the spiral.

Niko: thaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn aaaaaaaaaaaa Fffffffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttt tttt Puuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnttttttttttttttooooooooooo!

To Be Continued.

22-12-13, 10:15 AM
As bizarre as usual my friend!

I wonder who's for the chop?

22-12-13, 12:48 PM
I like that, playing 7 matches in a row :)

23-12-13, 05:09 PM
Great stuff, but I fear for the two want-aways (and one of them's me :()

26-01-14, 07:11 AM
The Second Journey
Chapter Six:
Christmas Chronicles

As I spun round a large sphere, like a warp into another world, the first thing I saw before going into the bright light that was fast approaching the image of the one person that would enforce me to sell players when/if I was going back:

But as soon as the image passed my eyes, I had entered the twilight zone that had laid before my eyes, and had totally entered a world of strange and freakiness

Jump One: Censored Christmas

As I was spat out of the other end of the sphere, and of the other spiral:


I was soon confronted with an image of a broken down neighbourhood – which looked like a festive prostitute lane – though it was festive, it looked more as the red light district of Candy Cane Lane then a street of the North Pole.


In amazement I ventured down the crooked aisle of a nightmare of a six year old, I stopped by an alleyway, where I was confronted by a less than a ‘jolly Saint Nick’ but more of a demonic image of the festive icon.


Pimp Santa: Yo, homie do you want some ho-ho-hoes to lick your Candy Cane? Good ole Chris Pimple, will give you a present to be naughty or nice this X-x-xmas!
Niko: Holy s:censored:! Santa is a pimp in this world?
Pimp Santa: If hoes ain’t your thing, Santa’s got other helpers to give you joy on the festive day - though the Elves and Reindeer got extra – especially the hot-nosed one.
Niko: I think I will stick to the choice of the human and normal-sized options please.

The fanged pimp then clicked his fingers, signalling a line of selection to some out to what present I wanted! But before I could drool in the satisfaction of the choices, my image was soon ruined as…

As every piece of skin was covered up by a large censor bar, literally, a black bar over the ‘decent’ shots of the women’s assets – making the choice somewhat ruined.

Niko: What the hell! How can I choose if I can’t see their ‘talents’? I think I will pass!
Pimp Santa: Ho-ho-holy s:censored:! A unjolly customer? That is whack!
Niko: Sorry, ‘Saint Pimp’ but Tits or Get the F:censored: Out!

In a huff, he ordered away the disgruntled women and banged his candy caned coloured pimp stick on the floor and looked straight down at me.

Pimp Santa: Do you want a piece of coal in your trouser stocking? Y’all buy a hoe, or become a name of Santa’s hit list – b:censored:!
Niko: Yeah, I am sure I should be threatened by you! What’s going to happen, are you going to stuff mistletoe down my urethra?

As I sad that, the dirt filled beard flew into the air as he chuckled in response, once again he tapped his festive stick onto the floor as red eyes emerged from behind him – and soon twelve molested reindeers emerged, attacked to a large red pimp throne. The fat pimp sat onto the throne, chuckling away at himself as the angered reindeer scratched their feet into the gravel stones below them.

Pimp Santa: Mo-Mo-Mow him down!!

He screamed to his enraged reindeer that started to hurl themselves at me, antlers pointed towards my chest ready to impale. It was then I ran for my life down the street, a street that was something like a Tim Burton wet dream – each image I passed seem to be a twisted version of fictional Christmas characters, Frosty the Snowman was sniffing white powder off the chest of cookie-dough addicted ‘Mrs.’ Claus who was laid onto off red Ford Escort.

As my steps became increasingly lighter as tiredness started to take effect, all I hoped was that the spiral that had spat me out here would somehow turn up and take me to another place – or back home – anything then the snarling antlers that got increasingly worryingly closer to my back.

Niko: For Christ’s sake! Take me out of here!

As I said that, another Christmas character passed – Jesus himself!


As he winked and thumbed-up to me, nothing happened!

I soon turned down an alleyway, and just closed my eyes as the dead-end wall came closer. As I felt impact was about to happen, I was soon shocked to feel the sensation that had took me here!


After just narrowly escaping death, I was fully relieved to be able to escape the crazy environment in which I had been transported to, but as I was once again thrown into the sphere, I was once again forced to watch the same image as before, only this time, it was somewhat more horrific.


Hoping I could cleanse my eyes – it was time again to enter another ‘world’ just hoping it would be the way back home.

Jump Two: Celebrate Celebrity

Dang back into another world, this time I was in a more luxurious place.


Niko: All right! A place with some class!

I said, walking down the boulevard with a large smile on my face, which I was suddenly to be cleared of a large mob of people with cameras emerged and crushed me onto the star-studded named path.


The leeches blinded my sight of the lights of the cameras, as they aimed onto the person that exited the public restroom.

Paparazzi: Hey, was it a number one or number two?
Paparazzi: Was is your next project?

The questions were what you expected, but as I pushed through the mob – I was somewhat shocked at the person who was gaining all the attention.

Paparazzi: You were eating remains of a dog food can yesterday, which most of your fans felt was betrayal who supported the cat food – what is your response to these allegations of selling out?
Niko: What the hell is going on here?
Paparazzi: Is it true that you are currently robbing the troll under the bridge? If so, how involved are the two of you? Is it serious, or do you think it is a one time occasion?

As I walked out of the crowd, I then saw more mobs surrounding other false ‘idols’ who seemed to be becoming famous for doing nothing – basically a more extreme version of what was being called ‘reality television’. As more and more groups of singular paparazzi surrounded what I would call ‘lowlifes’ of society, I just wasn’t able to comprehend the fascination that seemed to be attracted to them! What was so special going on?

Niko: Can someone please tell me what the f:censored: is going on?! Anyone tell me why this bull crap is happening?

As I screamed that, each group, one-by-one, turned their attention from the fame whores of the homeless towards me. And as every eye was solidly glaring at me, each one of the members started to open their mouths – and put altogether – a large siren emerged that deafened my ears – as the noise echoed around my head, I started to lose sight, feeling faint I collapsed as the crowed emerged around me. Soon I felt them drag me away as I had flashes of consciousness, I heard a robotic voice.

Voice: Lay thee non-believer before me! Let my eyes stare upon the defector!

It said, as my sight finally gathered, I finally understood who it was. From all the attention that was being gathered on the individuals, it made sense for the leader or the conspirator to be the biggest attention whore of themselves- Miley Cyrus!


But of course this wasn’t her true form, I knew what she TRULY looked like.

Miley: You! Why do you beseech against the forms and regulations of this world?
Niko: Because if fame is given to those who doesn’t afford it, then what is truly fame? What is its purpose? Why seek it if others can gain it for doing nothing?
Miley: Because the public demand it! They thrive for it! They need it! By seeing the lives of the lower-life they feel more grand for their own – they can feel release of their own lives, gratitude that they are greater!
Niko: But how can feeling catharsis from the poor can it build a greater person? How by hiding behind a stupid image of fake fame can someone prevail to a level of a proper inspirational and/or influential quality of life, instead of whoring yourself out for viewers or reaction?
Miley: Because….
Niko: You can’t reply, because your logic is nonsensical! Even now you hide behind who you are! Show your true self Miley Cyrus, and not the shell that you parade around about!

Standing still, it seemed it had worked as the Miley bot started to break down as the body is broken down into panels, allowing the emergence of the real Miley Cyrus.


A chicken, that really wanted to avenge it’s species by destroying the social world of the dominant species that had eaten its species for generations.

Miley: I take it you know our true nature for all of this!
Niko: Well, I am not a headless chicken!

As I laughed to myself, the paparazzi that cornered around me all showed their true selves also, as an army of chickens emerged, staring at me.

Niko: Now, if only I have some gravy, this would be a dream come true!
Miley: Enough! Your ignorance will not be tolerated! You, sir, shall be the first casualty of the up-rising of the chickens!
Niko: Well…

I said as I noticed the feeling of the spiral vacuum behind me.

Niko: You do that, but Armageddon-out of here!

I screamed with a smile as the chickens’ on-slaught begun, but was too late as I was once again on the move.


As i went through the sphere once more, it seemed my last encounter changed something, though still had a rather the same feeling to it:


Knowing that it would be a rather far journey till returning home I settled myself for the absurd to occur, but surely nothing would beat the last two jumps – right?

Jump 3: Intelligent Interest

Jumping into yet another different image, this one felt somewhat more humble and accepting as the image seemed more cleaner and less absurd then the previous ones – though I did feel somewhat relaxed within the Chicken universe.

As I walked around in circles in the amazement of where I had just landed, and the vast scape of the place, I was instantly greeted with some locals.


Local: Welcome Nikolavski Bergstrom, we have been awaiting you!
Local 2: Yeah! We knew that there was a reoccurring ‘blimp’ in the algorithm within the dimension jumps – all which started from the same point of access our own went to!
Niko: Okay – but my name isn’t Nikolavski, it is Niko!
Local: Ah, sorry! Our information is gathered by a recorder left within an office in your work space – so we conducted a biography and a personality details from conversations that you have encountered in or were about you.
Local 2: Very intriguing indeed, I must say!
Niko: Right. Since you guys seem to understand what the actual f:censored: is happening here, can you tell me? And then, tell me how to go back home?
Local: Ah yes we will.
Local 2: Indeed, basically every spiral is a sender to a receiver, senders are physical devices whereas some receivers’ are normally an element within the structure of the world! But, in your case, you are the receiver in your world, but become a sender to another – thanks to a device that is lodged somewhere within your body!
Local: Technological wet dream!
Niko: Okay, so is there a chance you can break down the two devices or something so I can just be sent home and end this fricking journey?
Local: Well, we have the location of the device, but…
Local 2: Everytime you feel something you warp to another dimension, and with this placement we are sure that you will jump?
Niko: Okay, so where is it?
Local: It is an anal probe.
Local 2: Only way to break it is that we both go with you to the other dimension with you as it will allow us more time.
Niko: Okay then…

I said, walking into one of the extravagant buildings with the two locals. Soon, I was in a room, producing my ass out like a prostate exam, and as expected the spiral came, throwing myself and the two locals into another world.


With my bare ass out as we flew through the sphere, the same image occurred once again:


And this time, it was a more situated placement then the others.

Jump 4: Carting the Conundrum

As I fell into position, I felt more exposed to where I was and what I was doing, especially since my embodiment changed also.


Niko: What the hell? Who the f:censored: are you guys?
Kyle: I am one of the locals you fat b:censored:!
Niko: Hey, I am not fat, you Jew! I am somewhat big boned!
Doctor: It seems we have encountered a problem in that we have become characters with the world!
Niko: Well, can you just get this over and done with?

I asked, as my big fat ass was still out in the open, soon the doctor inserted his finger into my whole and a shooting pain was felt throughout my body as the device emerged from my rear.


Niko: Ah s:censored:! Now I know how Louis Walsh feels like every time X Factor starts!
Doctor: Yep, that is the device already!
Kyle: Holy s:censored:, man! Cartman has a satellite coming from his fat arse!
Niko: I so want to kill you right now!
Doctor: Oh, I can help with that!

The doctor then grabbed a needle and stabbed it into the kid with the orange coat on, who suddenly started to seizure before exploding everywhere.

Stan: Oh My Gawd! He killed Kenny!
Kyle: That b:censored:!
Niko: Wait, who the f:censored: is Kenny?

As the discussion was about to start to get going, the Doctor made his adjustments and the device went shooting up back into my back door faster than Lance Armstrong’s credibility being destroyed.

Niko: This better not make any long term damages once I get back into my world!

I said, as I felt the spiral emerging.

Niko: You have to be kidding me! I thought you fixed it?
Doctor: I did, but it seems that there is something that wants you to continue on! It’s out of my control!
Niko: Well, screw you guys! I’mma try to go home!

I screamed as I was sucked back into the spiral for another f:censored:ing time!


Niko: At least I am being sucked into something, that something being sucked out of me!

I screamed my last words, entering the sphere once more.

Once again the same image, modified once again, emerged infront of me as I went towards the light once more.


Jump 5: Video Game Vengance

Another world, another f:censored:ing landscape.

Niko: So now I am in a video game world? Great!

As I walked around in the digital realm, I confronted one of the locals, hoping them not to be an antagonist or anti-hero.


Niko: Excuse me can you tell me about this place?

As I said that, something weird game up on the right hand side of me.


It flashed with a command, with a sudden sound emerging like the command had be pressed.

Shepard: I’ve had enough of your disingenuous assertions!

He said before smacking me in the face.

Niko: What the f:censored:? The one person I decide to talk too is a frickin’ renegade?

I then tried once more to converse with the guy.

Niko: Right, let’s try this again! Can you tell me about this place?
Shepard: I should go.

He then left me, without allowing me to add more. Angered, I decided to press the Renegade option myself, pushing the b:censored: into the road to get by a passing car that had four stars above it.

Niko: Should look both ways before crossing the road, douche!

The next person I talked too was somewhat more reasonable. He wasn’t actually developed or released character, but it was helpful anyway.

Unpublished character: This is the place where all Video-games are come as one – each of us have a single creator – but somehow co-habitat one world. We all follow the same rules!

As he said that, I watched as A Mario Character was hit by a mushroom.

Niko: Oh my Gawd! That Mushroom killed AMC!
Unpublished character: Jump you b:censored:!

But soon he respawned, but was soon killed by a red Turtle.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! That Red Turtle killed AMC!
Unpublished Character: JUMP YOU B:censored:!

But as he kept spawning and being killed, I just decided to discount anymore and tried to gain a more understanding about the world in which I had come into.

Niko: Right, since everyone here has objectives what’s mine?

But as I asked, it seemed that was the point where his development had ceased and he started to repeat himself – to which I decided to step onto the road that had killed the other character before, knowing that before the car would it me I would move on. And as predictable as the storyline to a Call of Duty game, the spiral came calling once again, to which I felt would be the final the jump.


The final jump – maybe back home? I couldn’t tell! Though the image within the sphere turned more festive then before.


Final Jump: Meta-Morph

My final location was nothing amazing but a white room. A clear four wall, with white painted covering every inch of the walls – it looked more boring then something boring. But, in the middle of a room was a desk with a computer monitor.


As I walked over to the computer screen, I saw a Word document file that explained my whole journey. From the whole Pimp Santa to the Anal Probe. It was written out, word-for-word, even as I think this/or you read this, I was reading it! Even the bit where I said I was reading it, I read it – and that bit that followed that!

Niko: Okay, this is creepy…

I said, after reading it off the screen waiting for the next event when a large icon would appear:


ZanSnake: I see you made it, Niko!
Niko: How did you know I would be here?

I said, looking at the strange image of a snake and a ball.

ZanSnake: Because I am Awesome!
Niko: Right, because calling yourself Awesome makes you Awesome.
ZanSnake: I am.
ZanSnake: He is truly!
ZanSnake: Hey, shut the fuck up!
ZanSnake: No you shut the fuck up!
ZanSnake: Fuck you!
Niko: Okay, stop f:censored:ing talking to yourself! Tell me what you are?
ZanSnake: I am the creator! I write whatever happens to you!
Niko: Really? So why are you writing this then? Surely that is pedantic and self-indulgent?
ZanSnake: Not really. I am being Meta!
Niko: By saying your being meta doesn’t mean you’re being meta!
ZanSnake: But, by saying I am being Meta and having you saying I am not being Meta, means I am being Meta!
Niko: Look, douche, just take me back to the f:censored:ing football! As if anyone cares about all this bulls:censored:!
ZanSnake: But I am putting meaning into the story!
Niko: Yeah because putting meaning into everything makes you a philosopher. If you put meaning to everything that you’re not being insightful, but being a douche. Especially with the whole TEJ shit! It’s about football, and that is what people give a shit about!
ZanSnake: Maybe you are right. From now on, I will be more about football then the general bullshit that happens.

And with that lie, I knew I would be safe as the spiral once more emerged in the room. And finally I went flying back into the world I was born into and back into the living room that I had emerged from.


As I emerged from the final spiral, I thought from each single jumps into each world I hate learnt something. From the first jump: I learned that there really is a darker side to Christmas that will make an iconic character into a pimp, from the second jump: to never trust chickens, third jump: intelligent people are stalkers, fourth jump: never trust a person made out of paper cut-outs, fifth jump: unlimited respawns are only useful for those who learns and the sixth jump: my creator is a dick!

With those lessons, I had to turn back to what truly mattered – trying to unravel the problems that still lay ahead of me, in terms of football, not really knowing what the lessons learnt from entering the spiral would have.

But as usual only time could tell


27-01-14, 11:15 AM
Have you spent your crimbo money on some mega stash ? Even by ZanSnake standards, that was a bit weird.

I hope this doesn't meen that the weirdness, sex and violence is about to be put away. That is what makes your work so different and entertaining.

27-01-14, 02:23 PM
What the hell just happened? My brain hurts just reading that. God knows what was going on in your head!

31-01-14, 05:23 PM

I mean.............................................. ................................................wh at?!

25-02-14, 10:28 PM

25-02-14, 10:46 PM
Why in email notification you are named BranFlakes :-k

25-02-14, 11:32 PM
Why in email notification you are named BranFlakes :-k

I don't know...





26-02-14, 02:58 AM
The Second Journey
Chapter Six:
Christmas Chronicles
Delayed Extension!

Oh how I wished that Christmas was a jolly time of the year, after spending what seemed the period of three nightmares plus with something that you can shit out as some kind of religious manifestation, like that I am the ‘Jesus’ clone that Phetrovolgy wished I was, bringing unity and peace under the radar of ‘ignorance’, I had to do a fucking football managerial job to do, if anyone remembered!

Shaking off the attempts of the sexualised Hulk Hogan, I seemed to be up for anything then that, hell, spending a night with the same cell as Justin Bieber would seem like a gift from God – this Bitch seemed to be the raped rather than the raper despite what media had proclaimed.

Not to be dismissed by the hindrance of the ‘travel’ my attentions was toward the home game against Second Division Cheltenham Town. And maybe prevailing through the earlier stages of the FA cup would be the acknowledgement we have had through the national scene.


With an unchanged side, I hoped that maybe can be put aside for what could be a distinctive run in the FA Cup, and that, hopefully/maybe we can prevail into the latter stages of the competition.

Saturday 7th December 2013
English FA Cup 2nd Round
Newark v. Cheltenham
(Moxey pen 17’, Kowalinho ’26 ’28 ’47 ’76, Wato ’53)(Deering ’49)
MoM – Kowalinho

A matched that completely showed the dominance that we had with the ‘higher’ structure, a team that seems struggled with the prospect of staying within the ‘second’ division and once more closer towards the Premier League title.

Though some heads seemed to be bigger than the club as BobMem was outspoken with the level of play that the club was at, in comparison of the luxurious Liverpool offer that seemed to be big orated towards the influence of the opposite scene, we toxicated the opposition to the possible that we had barred the belief the strong will sacrifice.
Though at the head of the galore was the Polish-yet-Brazilian-named Assassin Kowalinho, in actuality everyone played apart – with four assists out of six of the goals – we showed once again the class which was strong within the team – onward we marched….

….straight into another Cup game – or should I say Trophy? - This time it was against Bradford City, who was struggling to find their feet in the Second Division. Hoping to add more pressure onto the Bantams boss, it was an unchanged side that would face them on OUR ground:


Tuesday 10th December 2013
Vans Trophy North 1st Round
Newark v. Bradford
(Wato ’30)
MoM – E. Wato

A stubborn defensive from the away side made it hard for the majority of our 13 chances count for much, tiring the legs of the players. It was only due the Frank Lampard-esque determination of the central man that we were able to account such a high tally on goal, and like a fable written by an autistic over-weight virgin teenager, it was that aforementioned name that had finally broke onto the score board.

With supporting players such as Hemphill and Zbimg holding up the ball, Wato charged into the open space yards outside the box, and as it was layed off, went past one defender before a long-driven shot into the top right corner! What a goal!

Wato: Our Lampard?

But the stubbornness was still apparent, and come the end of the first half, O’Toibin legs couldn’t take it anymore and Henderson came on – but to no effect. It had returned to watching a game of golf – utter shite!

Finally the agony was over as the whistle blew – and we went through to the next round. The draw was the very next day, and watching the Twitter feeds with an every glancing eye on Helen Flanagan’s ‘assests’ – I was soon told who our next opponents would be:



After sacking Nigel Pearson and hiring Paul Jewell, the team nose-dived, like many modern Jewell teams, into the relegation zone and are facing modernity within the Second Division, despite having an impressing team – they are just on the clinches of the play-offs, shit bastards!

But the attention had to be back on to the football at hand, with the next game being away against Dag and Red, it was once again another unchanged side facing the home team:


Saturday 14th December 2014
English Third Division
Crystal Palace v. Newark
(M. Jackson ’61)(Kowalinho ’50, BobMem ’52)
MoM – Kowalinho

Once again it was the familiar name on the tips of peoples tongue, who celebrated once more by ‘advertising’ his ‘freedom’ of his ‘services’ in the future – this time having a plane fly over the ground with an attached number of his girlfriend written on it, though I later heard people thought it was an advertisement for a phone sex service – but he had earned it.

Despite the possession play from the home side, we countered in a terrific display, 16 chances on goal – only 7 missing the target! After a lacklustre first half, the second half saw both sides turn into gear, with Zbimg going through the defence like training cones only to top it off with an excellent lay-off for his strike partner – 1-0. A couple of moments later, Hemphill did the usual job which was finished off by the other want-away BobMem – sealing the three points and a happy drive back home.

Or so I thought it would be. Firstly, there was the arrangement of the bus back home:


It seemed this would be as packed as three fat men in a sauna – let that image sink in! But soon, as we headed off, I heard my phone ringing – and navigating my hand like Indiana Jones running from a large boulder as he saw the exit – I saw the face that lit up on the screen:


Niko: What does that fat bastard want now?

I said, thinking it just stopped because the ring tone was going to loop round once more.

Yermolai: ‘Fat Bastard’? How dare you! I will get a kitchen knife to one side of your mouth to your ear, and then to the other, so every time you see me, you’ll be happy! And then you should not play me like a Polishman!
Kowalinho: I find that, how do I say….. offensive?

I turned off the loud-speaker and brought my sweaty hand to my ear, feeling the radiant steam of BobMem’s fat warm arse ushering into my face – never mind the horrid smell!

Niko: Right, before you rip off anymore DC Supervillians, may I ask why you are calling?
Yermolai: Do I sound like I drunk a crate of vodka, Nikolavski?
Niko: With you, it’s hard to tell.
Yermolai: Well, no I haven’t! Do you remember our chat the other week?
Niko: I told you should go to the doctors about that! Please don’t let me remember on walking in on what you and Yasha were doing!
Yermolai: I am not laughing, Nikolavski! I said you needed to sell players, but no-one has gone! I want to see players leave, soon, or otherwise, my next drink of ‘Bloody Mary’ would be a ‘Bloody Croatian’!

He said before hanging up, and just like that, one man’s ears peeked up.

BobMem: So you have to sell players, huh? Does that mean I can pack my bags now, instead of the summer?
Niko: You were eavesdropping huh? I get to say who is leaving, and who is going, get it!?

As the long drive wasn’t close to the destination I started to try and evaluate the scenario in my head – it was clear, some of the faces I had come accustomed to in the last 18 months will have to leave. BobMem was right though, it would be best for the club to try and captivate on his ‘issue’ now rather then letting him go free – as his contract would be done in the summer, and with all negotiations going downhill due to his repentance on leaving the club, it meant one thing:


With reluctance, he was the first on the transfer list as I tried to come to terms with the one thing I hated to do – possibly lose a winning team due to financial reasons, and break the decent run of form we had established. And soon, more names were added:



After four days the news was made, and I felt like this Christmas felt like it take forever to come. With another away game on the cards against Rochdale, the mood of the team being torn and battered, I decided to try and keep a winning team going:


Saturday 21st December 2013
English Third Division
Rochdale v. Newark
MoM – J. Lillis

A depleted performance – a disheartened team – a poor result in context with the previous runs of form, the thorough attack lacked the composure and spontaneous moments that had come an occurring theme to the side. Instead, every tweet at goal was silenced by the reflexes of the caption Lillis.

Luckily, the opposition seemed to be a foreign side – they didn’t seem comfortable on the ball – and allowed us to take a point.

Before the Christmas party was to happen, more news had arrived – Lewin Nytanga had left the club, after joining in the summer and not playing a single game, for Hercules in the Spanish Second Division for £250k and a bid for Majewski was accepted from Blackpool also. Trying to excite people I decided to take the team out to a horse ranch but, as we toured the stables, I saw a familiar face – one I thought I would never see again.

Niko: Oh My God….


Niko: Ring-Ring?!

Person in the background: Hello? Helloooo?!? Hello?!?! What the fuck I am sure I heard that fucking phone just go off just now!

Ling-Ling: Yes, Nikoravski, it is me, Ring-Ring!

Person in the background: Yes, hello?? Aw, for fucksake!

As the anonymous mysterious curser screamed in the background, Ling-Ling aimed his foot in the air right at him, and soon a large object came flying out the sole of his shoe straight for the man’s head!


It stuck straight into his head, and we all watched as he dropped to the floor, saying his emotional last words.

AMC: All… I did… was…answer the ….fucking…. phone…..

After a second, I turned back round to face the man responsible!

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Ring-Ring killed AMC!
Guy picking up phone: HELLO? B:censored:!

But then I remembered what happened the last time I saw this man, he was thrown out of a building, or so I thought, so how did he survive?

Niko: How did you survive?
Ling-Ling: Werr, the horses picked up the wremains of my body and wrepaiwred it. But, I am now Ultrwa-mecha-strwong! And now, you sharr feer the wwrath of Howrsezirra!

But before he could finish the epic dance to summon the beast, a saviour came in to stop him.


Jean-Claude Van Damme entered from now where and roundhouses kick the North Korean, kicking his head off.

JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme says you better call for repairs, because there has been ….

- Epic Pause-

JCVD: …. A Van Damage!
Niko: Oh my Gawd! Jean-Claude Van Damme killed Ring-Ring!
Guy picking up phone, once again: HEEELLLLLOOOOOO? B:censored::censored:d!!!!!

As the man who kept falling for the same joke went off to, presumably, kill himself – I walked over to my saviour.

Niko: Hey, thanks Van Damme for saving my life, how can I repay?
JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn’t need favours – favours are already done for him.
Niko: Okay.
JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme uses third person – because he roundhouse kicked the first two people.
Niko: Nice to know….
Niko: (thinking) Doesn’t that mean he roundhouse kicked him-
JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn’t read thoughts – he interrupts them!

With that telepathic message transpired I decided to back away from the mental case known-

Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn’t just appear in stories – he writes them!


After escaping the excemption of the paranormal clutches of an action/martial-arts star, I got the lads off the farm, only to be even more disturbed by the image on my way out.


Niko: What the hell is wrong with this place?

I said, as we drove away as fast as possible from the farm.

A few days after it was the Christmas party, and the mood was still submerged with negativity surrounding the possible sales that might occur in the up-coming weeks, or even days, as Majewski £475k move to Blackpool was announced on the same day – bad PR, I know, but since Babe fucked off after shattering my heart, Yermolai couldn’t be arsed to find a replacement.

Mistletoe, vodka cocktails, stuffed cabage bears – it all suited the worst Christmas party ever, and it was going to get worse as two men walked through the doors, Theodore Eejit and his new apprentice The Eejit – both having fitting names.


Theo: Right, time to find the marmalade, a cloakroom and some hungry-hungry hippos-that-has-recently-had-liposuction!
Eejit: Yeah! time tae gie some babes tae tackle th' wee tickle wearin' naethin' but tinsel!
Theo: You know it!

They said high fiving one another, as the DJ started to ‘jam’, replaying the same song over and over again. I walked over as a battle seemed to brewing, but as I got their a familiar face arrived.


Niko: Zan?
Zan: Yo, Niko! Liking my mad skills?
Niko: Not really… What in the hell are you doing here?
Zan: Dumbass, I am here to get the party started!

Which was the only song he kept playing, the fucking annoying and not holiday themed song by Pink!

Niko: Look, kick the shit. Why are you really here?
Zan: Wait a minute!

He said, pressing the shuffle button and doing a 360 corkscrew sommersault of the stage onto the floor, a couple of steps away, right next to me.

Zan: Niko, they are watching you! You don’t understand it!
Niko: Ah, for fucksake. I knew I should have paid for my TV License! Fucking BBC!
Zan: No, you idiot, I meant ‘them’.
Niko: ‘Them?’ You don’t mean ‘M’?
Zan: Wait, ‘M’ as in Judi Dench?
Niko: No, I meant ‘M’ the guy who I nearly killed but escaped a couple of years ago, you know, Phetrovolgy?
Zan: Oh, yeah. The name was ‘Him’ not ‘M’.
Niko: But Theo said it was ‘M’?
Zan: Are you sure he wasn’t talking about his marmalade based drug?
Niko: Maybe it was all a hallucination. You know, chasing the ‘M’, like chasing the dragon?
Zan: Oh yeah, and maybe we are all in a story on a football forum dedicated to a ten year old game – but is, you know, not really about football!
Niko: I see where you’re coming from – and we are, though the author said it would be more football based.
Zan: Yep. Wait a second-
Niko: So is he after me?
Zan: I don’t know, all I is some people are after you.
Niko: And you came all this way just to tell me that ‘some’ people are after me? Dude, in the last year I have been kidnapped by Simon Cowell, stalked by a clown, harassed by an insane dictator of an Asian country, teleported to another dimension and got anally probed – I think I can deal with ‘some’ people.
Zan: Yeah, but isn’t that just a usual thing with you, you know, midgets?
Niko: What? Where!

I said spinning, punching the first small person I could see in the face – which was a little child.

Mother: Oh my Gawd! You broke his nose, all he wanted was an autograph.
Niko: Whoops.

Turning round, Zan had disappeared, as did my interest for the rest of the party – and soon I soothed into the backdrop of the party, drinking the vodka cocktails and smoking away my pack of 20 Richmond’s. But as I stood atop of the main stand, I heard the steps of heels walking towards me. I looked out to the darkness, the figure slowly coming into view – it was an angelic figure that I had seen once before.

Niko: Babe?

I whispered into the wind, as the figure came closer to my vision, but as did the whisper that leapt from my mouth, my hope was blown away by the patronising wind. And so, I left Boltsky Stadium alone for the night – and for Christmas.

Boxing day soon arrived, and as my life seemed destined to be stagnated further, it was time for another game of football! This time it was at home, which we hadn’t lost a game at, so far this season. Wanting to avoid a possible first home defeat, it was time for some changes: Kowalinho, Zbimg, BobMem, O’Toibin out and Ediz, Van der Voom, Balkenstein and Henderson in.


Thursday 26th December 2013
English Third Division
Newark v. Fleetwood
(Ediz ‘8 ’80, Van der Voom ’30 ’43)
MoM – H. Van der Voom

A display that outshone the previous performance, with some players proving why that despite some transfers coming out of the team – we have enough to still be the best in the league. A corner won in 7th minute was the opening to the destruction with Hemphill’s skillfull coming into use as he found the head of Ediz. 22 minutes later, Henderson dribble away down the left hand side, and the sixteen year old showed what the future could be with a nicely time lobbed ball for the heel of Van der Voom to double the lead.

But it wasn’t done there, as a nice one-two from Eejit and Wato finished with a nice through ball from Wato for Van der Voom to find his second and gifting the opposition the medal of complete destruction.

In the second I told the lads to ease off, and they did, but they broke my rules as Van der Voom and Ediz connected to make the final sweep, with Ediz lobbing the goalkeeper and making it another brace.

Not one for breaking a winning stride, it was the same eleven that would play the final game of 2013, an away game against Play-Off wishing Torquay:


Saturday 28th December 2013
English Third Division
Torquay v. Newark
MoM – P. Smith

But it seemed that the winning ‘stride’ was an illusion as we were beaten for the first time in seven games in the league and nine in overall. As usual for when we are beaten, or drop points, in was due to the exceptional work of the goalkeeper, the stubbornness of the oppositions worth of attack and the lacklustre attacking and defensive performances – with Balkenstein allowing Jarvis to find the net too easily and Van der Voom failing to add to his sensational performance he has last game.

With the mildew of the moral of the team hanging in the air more players were added to the transfer list: Drew Talbot, Lee Collins and Volkan Ediz – whose head had grown three sizes since the Boxing Day game – and being a cause for so much anger in the team. Though that information helped appease some of the moral, it was time for the New Year’s Eve party.

The party was fancy dresser, with Theodore Eejit and The Eejit donning matching playboy bath robes and false-smoking pipes and Kowalinho dressed as David Beckham – his ‘other-half’ being Victoria – I had come as Han Solo, which seemed to be the stance of the night for me.

Niko: Okay Niko, it is time for you to find a woman: because you need to be Leia-d!

Hitting my head with my face with the awful pun, it seemed the effect of it being a chat-up line was the same result, as I was drenched on more occasions with the Vodka cocktails, which had become accustomed to the club, and being left alone at the make shift bar, with another person – a man dressed as the devil.

Niko: Guess you are not getting some either, right?

I said downing the rest of my drink, as I spun round to the bar for another – before getting a look at the person I was talking to.


Niko: Van Damme?
JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn’t deal with the devil – the devil deals with him!
Niko: Right, I get it you are ‘almighty’!
JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme isn’t anything – he is everything!
Niko: Right, I get that as the moment to leave.

I said grabbing the vodka bottle from the side and the untouched rum, plus some mixers and an empty glass – and escaped to the place that seemed like a second-home to me – the top of the main stand.


As the breeze tried to make me feel the cold wind, it failed, as I drank the mixture of alcoholic drinks I had created that had numbed be away from the celebrations from the inside world. The pumpy-fading pop music, the large clear moonlit canvas, the haunting abandoned space around me – it was inviting. But, as I finished the vodka and rum, I reluctantly dragged my drunken state inside towards the bar – with hope that the ‘devil’ wouldn’t try and temptate me.

As timing would have it though, at that moment BobMem emerged onto the stage. Drunk out of his mind, he grabbed the microphone and looked intense for a guy who had seemed to set to get pissed from the start.

BobMem: Hello, gentlemen and gentlemen! I am BobMem – yes, thee BobMem – the greatest defender that this club has, will ever have, and come the summer, had!

The audience started to converse to one another about the sudden emergence of this information.

BobMem: Yes, that is right! My contract at Newark is no more in the summer, and instead of staying at a dump like Newark-on-Trent, or a sick-bucket of Newark ‘Athletic’, I have agreed, with my agent Ama Peach, that I will join the superior club, Liverpool FC!

He said about to walk off the stage, before adding.


He said dropping the microphone, and dropping onto the stage floor, where the crowd split in half with only two men at either side: BobMem and Me. Feeling my blood starting to rise, and with my experience of ‘anger’ problems, I crushed the bottle in my hand as I tighten my fists. Trying to repress the burning desire to finish this bastard off, I looked down as I felt the burning looks the crowd glared into me.

BobMem: Niko Bergstrom, the great Niko Bergstrom. Not so great, not so great.

He mumbled, as he stumbled, getting ready for a rumble. But I just looked up, and stared at the drunken buffoon in front of me. Dancing in circles with his fist held up, hoping – no – wanting something to happen. A pathetic image of someone I thought something of.

Niko: Kid, you better put them down – or I’ll put you down.

As I said that, his arms flopped to the side. He twirled around before tripping and falling onto the floor, puke flying out of his mouth. Shaking my head side-to-side, I grabbed the last two bottles of rums and one more bottle of vodka, leaving the stadium for one destination - home.


Due to the amount I drank, I walked down this lonely road, finishing not one but two bottles with each step. Stumbling onto the floor, the cement ground looked like a five star bed, but my delusions was soon interrupted by the flash lights of passing cars – it was nearly half-past eleven – some people were still trying to get to loved ones for the final countdown.

Niko: Sappy bastards…

I shouted out to them, before gaining my composure and carrying on with the seamlessly difficult journey. But, as I walked and drank, an idea popped into my confused state – I grabbed my mobile phone from my pocket and texted to the one person I knew I could rely on. And despite the drunken Han Solo that was carrying a half a bottle of vodka, with an illuminous face staring into a phone – not a single person stopped to help.

It was 23:54 when I arrived home.

The door was ajar, as promised, as I stumbled in hurriedly. I slammed the door shut, using it to support my back as I stared at the obstacle that laid before me – the stairs.

Niko: I am back!

I screamed to the dim light waiting up stairs.


I managed to get up stairs, despite the obstacle of my trousers being around my ankles.


Stumbling down the seemingly endless hallway, I finally emerged at the bedroom door.


A moment to try and catch some kind of sobriety.


Time for a happy New Year as I pushed open the door, to reveal the person who will make this whole year so much better for me….


Soña: Happy New Year, Niko!
Niko: Ditto!

I slurped out of my mouth before diving onto the bed; there was no Han Solo action from me at the end of this year.

And soon the fireworks were ignited.


26-02-14, 03:01 AM
A month to the day since the last one - sorry for the delay but i think this is better then what i had in store - and we have official got more than 100,000 words within this story, 102,578 to be precise and 279 pages on Word document. Hope to start on another one sooner then this one, but hey, hopefully it was worth the wait.

And BobMem, don't worry, HOPEFULLy it will all build up to a possible storyline in the far-far future (aka you returning to club, or something).

26-02-14, 09:53 AM
What BobMem is doing with my Princess?

26-02-14, 12:33 PM
Football, football, head f*ck, football, more head f*ck. Brilliant!

BobMem sounds like a d*ck, although a surprisingly accurate description of me on a night out...


Baron Zbimg
05-03-14, 06:57 PM
Wow, not a single goal in this great update !!! What has happened to Zbimg ?

Happy new year Niko!

06-03-14, 08:30 AM
Just to say I'm not ignoring this. I just haven't had the chance to fully absorb a G&FA update. I'll try to schedule some time today

10-03-14, 11:34 AM
I know hangover can be hard but is there any news about update? :D

10-03-14, 06:35 PM
My head hurts as if it has just been hit by a horse shoe. Shit, does that make me AMC or Ling-Ling/Ring-Ring or is that just one of me as I appear to be suffering from some sort of Schizophrenia.

Fuck it. AGFA is just to hard to try to understand and make meaningful life changing decisions to follow my life according to the idioms of Phetrovology. Can there really be more to life than a pot of marmalade and a babe to wear it ?

11-03-14, 10:54 AM
I know hangover can be hard but is there any news about update? :D

Post-21st March - Essays to be handed in then, which with wasted time in being forced to move from one block to another one - so i have to delegate the time between moving my stuff, university general coursework and essay writing.

My head hurts as if it has just been hit by a horse shoe. Shit, does that make me AMC or Ling-Ling/Ring-Ring or is that just one of me as I appear to be suffering from some sort of Schizophrenia.

Fuck it. AGFA is just to hard to try to understand and make meaningful life changing decisions to follow my life according to the idioms of Phetrovology. Can there really be more to life than a pot of marmalade and a babe to wear it ?

Seems to me, you guys all think i am somewhat mental :D

11-03-14, 01:46 PM
Seems to me, you guys all think i am somewhat mental :D

Think ...... we are way beyond thinking :der:

11-03-14, 04:35 PM
Think ...... we are way beyond thinking :der:


24-03-14, 02:18 PM
It's post 21st, any news? :)

26-03-14, 09:03 AM
It's post 21st, any news? :)

It will be posted/written when i get the 'ZanSnake' creative thrill/drive, which at the moment is half-way there. I create from random thoughts/ideas and then create scenarios and characters from that - aka to make the random happen :P

I am drained atm, so might be a little longer - or might happen tonight - that is the problem with the 'ZanSnake' Drive (trademark in mind :P) it happens when it happens. But, right now i do have some funny moments.

Ps. Does help when i watch something i find intriuing that i can take the piss out of also :dance:

27-03-14, 09:57 AM
Aka some point tomorrow :P

30-03-14, 12:15 AM
The Second Journey
Chapter Seven:
Onward to The New Challenges

After a perfect night, my morning started to dread what I had swagged down – relishing with the idea of the woman I awoke to, I was left wondering after all I saw was an empty side of the bed. But before I could try to think what could have happened, I was awoken back to reality with a phone call reminding me of the first match of 2014.

It was a home game against mid-table Rotherham, and despite the drinking party of the night before, the lads seemed enthusiastic for the start of the New Year, with only three changes: Van der Voom with Zbimg, Liam coming into centre-back instead of Balkenstein and Henderson playing at right-back.


Wednesday 1st January 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. Rotherham
(Ediz '4, Kowalinho '20, Wato '50)(Miller '36)
MoM – O'Toibin

Fortunately, that enthusiasm had transpired into a positive attacking display, which showed our dominance that we wanted to continue into the rest of the year. And it all started with the want-a-way striker Ediz snipping in onto O'Toibin's cross into the far post. Unfortunately, Ediz's game would end only 13 minutes later when he would suffer a strained ankle, in which Kowalinho was the replacement.

It wasn't long until Kowalinho made his impact felt, as a Hemphill free-kick lead to a nice headed goal for Kowalinho into the back of the new – 20 minutes in. The away side hoped for a way back into the game, which came close when Miller finished off an amazing move. The second half started off well with Wato continuing his good goalscoring form with an amazing volley, that was seeded by O'Toibin, for his second assist and to assert his Man of the Match award.


The next game up was the Third Round match against Coventry, a team in the division above – once again – allowing us a chance to showcase the fact we are too good to be in this division. For the game, I changed the injured Moxey for Baz, and Henderson for Jose Hernandez and Kowalinho replaced the injured Ediz.

Putting my faith into Zbimg to break his goalless streak, it was soon time to line-up the players for the kick-off:


Saturday 4th January 2014
English FA Cup Third Round
Newark v. Coventry

The players on the pitch were ready, the dug-out seemed drawn in, Dean Holdsworth stalked the pitch-line, as the fans cheered on.


From the kick-off, Rotherham was alert. The were determined, and from that we were trying to counteract it, but as Elliot onslaught the midfield, allowing the space for Fleck and McSheffrey to run onward – which as Elliot crossed the ball into the box – McSheffrey was the one who met the ball with a volley which....


Went straight into the back of the net!

Coventry took advantage – and that freedom was used against again and again as the away side continously kept knocking on the door for a second.

Killbane, Elliot and Barton having equal chances – but lucky none of which really came close to testing Shepard.


All I could I do was to hope that the lads would find their groove as the game went on, which they finally did starting from the 25th minute, as Hemphill dribble down the right wing, but being forced to lob the ball in-field towards Wato.

Wato held onto the ball, following it up with a perfectly timed lobbed ball through for Zbimg – but the man who seemed to have not scored since God-knows when surely wouldn't be the saviour?


But he fucking was!

The young Italian drove the ball into the bottom corner to score his 10th of the season and the equalizer!

Afterwards it was the same as before – Coventry continuing to search the second – but the lads were organised and the bus was out to hold on for half-time, which fortunately worked.


The second half started off with us in the foot-hold with Zbimg playing in Kowalinho, only for the following shot to be saved from the man between the sticks – Joe Murphy. But the support of the full-backs kept breaking the Coventry's tactics.

The pressure in their half started to break the team's concentration and soon, it was down to a defensive mistake for our next chance – which was Zbimg who was alert enough to clinch onto the opportunity and score the second!


We had done it once again!

Coming back and winning at home, and now all we had to do was to defend and counter hoping to add another, but with the constant back and forth with the chances – the flow of any actual threat was left in the moment, and gradually it became more apparrant that we were through to the next round of the FA Cup!


Following this, the news came out for our next opponents:


West Ham!

A definite improvement of challenge, as the former Premier League, are on task with returning to the glory-land after last season's relegation. Hoping to use this opportunity more for financial reasons, I started to foam at the mouth at the prospect of the amount of money we could gather from Gate ticket sales!

With two draining games, we were soon given good news with that due to bad weather, our game scheduled for the 29th of the month.

But the next game was an away game against Bristol Rovers, to which I decided against making any changes, expecting for another fine performance from the lads:


Saturday 11th January 2014
English Third Division
Bristol Rovers v. Newark
(Brown '76)(Hemphill '23)
MoM – Lee Brown

An utter disgrace of a defensive showing ruined what should have been a routine win. The attacking sense, in the first half, we had two chances – a usual spectacular free-kick from the captain Hemphill, 23 minutes in, and then a wasteful shot from Zbimg on 38 minutes.

It seemed we were gifting the opposition the chance to equalise, but it was only thanks to the lacklustre defending and the freshness of the substitute of Lee Brown, that allowed them to take advantage and gain a deserved point.

Feeling like we needed another intermission between the games, I decided to take the leads to another 'team-bonding' and relaxing journey - once again, hoping to silence the anger from some of the lads (I was excluding BobMem from the team of course). I decided to take them to Sherwood Forest...


Yes, not the actual Sherwood Forest near Nottingham, but the forest that homed the ex-Tottenham player, Tim Sherwood. It was legend, that the retired player had gone insane and was now living in a 'magical' forest – awaiting for the opportunity to manage Tottenham themselves – of course he was 'contractually' a coach for them, but really all he did was send YouTube videos of other teams training sessions.

Niko: Right lads, this is Tim Sherwood Forest – the mystical and, for some bollocks reason, magical home of the former player. We are here to explore the land as a TEAM to find him – and make him realise that the joke is trying to play with living in a forest just for his namesake is sad!

I said, as the lads lined up like a bunch of soldiers getting order to cross into No Man's Land.

Niko: We are here to find him as a TEAM! I don't want any bollocks out there – I want an army! Do you understand?

Team: Yes Sergeant Awesome!

Niko: Good, now let's split you guys into two for horror cliché sake, and get ready. Anyone who gets lost will get a punch in the back of the head for forgetting we are walking into 6 foot woods, and we all have Lougle Maps on our phones!

After thirty minutes walking through the forest...

Niko: For fuck-sake! I am lost!

But before I could grab my phone to check my GPS placement, I was soon ashamed by a woman.


The beautiful woman swung in, and somehow, kicked the phone out of my hands – forcing me to watch in horror as it smashed into pieces against a solid tree.

Niko: What the hell?!

Woman: Technology is a big no-no! And you shall be punished for bringing it here!

Niko: I don't really give a fuck. Now, if you could point me towards the wheraboutus of a group of unintelligent fuck-wits – that would be helpful!

Woman: You dare rebel against the Queen of Forest? You are truly an.... exceptional foe...

She said, eyeing me up like a piece of meat.

Niko: Look, I am in a kind-of in a relationship, so....

Queen of Forest: I do not care! You shall marry me, be the king! Rule over the land, rule over me – sexually.

Niko: Riiight. That's my cue to leave.

But as soon as I turned round, I was faced with a someone that seemed to not agree with me leaving...


Niko: Okay, it's seems that in the country side of England – there is a maniac woman who has a pet tiger!

Queen of Forest: Yes, so my King will never be able to leave me!

But soon, the tiger's head exploded, with it's blood squirting all over me.

Queen of Forest: NO! The first Tiger has been killed! Escape! Escape, my love!

She screamed, as she grabbed her vine and descended into the forest as fast as she could. Thanking the 'mystical' forest, I returned to the task at hand, but not before the saviour came out.

Shooter: Boom! Headshot!

I turned round to see a familiar face who had turned up at the right time and the right place.


Niko: Soña! Thank God you were here! I was afraid – how can I thank you?

And with that, she raised her eyebrows and took her top off.

Niko: You have a deal!

I said, following her 'subtle' hint – and soon it was a fire hazard, as fireworks ignited in the center of the woodland!


But afterwards, It became apparent I had fallen asleep - and once again – I was left alone, this time naked in a forest. Getting changed, I followed on.


But it seemed I only got more last, and soon it was sun-down as I bumped into an invisible wall, or tree, or something, and fell flat onto my ass into the mud – ruining my favourite Levi jeans!

Niko: What the hell!

I screamed, as I tried to brush off as much mud as I can. Soon it was a little more clear what I walked into.


Perry: Niko, I am so sorry!

Said Perry the Predator, the man who I once enlisted into defeating Phetrovology, who spoke in his posh accent.

Perry: I would have never thought that I would see you once more, Darling!

He said, before hugging me.

Niko: Yeah same – but what are YOU doing here?

Perry: Well I live here with my partner – silly – you remember, right?

Niko: Not really. Was it Patricia the Predator-ess?

Perry: Oh no! I have finally acknowledged who I am Niko – darling – I am in a relationship with 'him'!

Niko: That guy that was continuously hunting you down? I thought he wanted you dead?

Perry: I thought that too! But it turned out he really wanted me - in 'bed'. Oooh I am such a saucy b:censored:!

Suddenly, a large Austrian accent cried out from the surrounding woodland.

Voice: Got to the Dinner!

Perry: Whoops, looks like that is my cue to go! Hope to see you soon, so we can dish and meet up.

He said, once again hugging me, before kissing my whole head. He then turned towards the cry of the voice.

Perry: Coming Dutch, honey!

He shouted back, before turning in invisible once more and leaving me stranded again.

Niko: Oh, Dammit! I could have asked for directions!

And so, I wondered further into what seemed like a endless woodland. With all my energy drained, I callopsed onto a tree, looking into the sky hoping for a massive arrow back to civilisation.

Niko: How can I get lost in Tim Sherwood?

Maybe in those magical eyes!

I said to the ever-darkening sky, waiting for a response that wasn't ever to come. But as my eye lids started to close due to the exhaustion, an egg smashed into my face, and soon I was confronted with another weird character/being.

Like this one but 1000x bigger!

Niko: What the fuck is that!?

I shouted as I saw the huge chicken in front of me.

Niko: Is Ring-Ring back back from the dead and summoned 'Chickenzirra'?

But as I laughed at my own genious, the chicken seemed to be more pissed off.

Chicken: Niko Bergstrom, feel the wraith of my unhatched off spring!

It said before turning around, shoving it's arse into the direction of my face.

Niko: Oh no...

I said, closing my eyes awaiting for my death, but in the most unexpected dues ex machina possible, I heard a large yell from the forest – a yell that had a strong Belgium accent.

Voice: Not today, poultry!

I opened my eyes as I saw my new saviour.


Who grabbed a six-foot tall tree and shoved it into the chicken's arse, which caused it to panic.

Chicken: No, how can I lay my offspring now?

As it panicked, the tree started to be pushed out inch-by-inch as it's body expanded. The panic the massive chicken got, the further out the tree inched out and the bigger it's body grew – until the inevitable happened, and a massive chicken created a massive explosion! Covering myself, Van Damme and the surrounding trees in its insides and fulls of exploded eggs, I was left in shock as Van Damme used a tree to light a cigar, before concluding the scene with one line.

Van Damme: Now that is what Van Damme calls an egg-plosion!

I shook off my surprise following the death of a massive chicken.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Jean-Claude Van Damme killed AMC!
Van Damme: Jean-Claude Van Damme b:censored: - he is not!

Niko: What? That doesn't make sense!

Van Damme: Jean-Claude Van Damme not making sense – Van Damme is sense!

Not wanting to go into another competition, I convinced myself to change the subject to what I actually needed to know.

Niko: Well, does Van Damme know the way out?

With that being said, Van Damme grabbed me by my collar, and then jumped into the air over the trees, I soon saw that I was just next to the exit of the woodland, but that didn't stop Van Damme from FLYING to the group of bored players, who all were looking at their phones, dropping me off and flying off into the sunset.

Annoyed at the amount of times I had to be saved, I remained silent to the comedian football players, who seemed to bond with taking the piss out of their gaffer – which they didn't find that funny as I ordered to individually give foot-jobs to the local Food Addicts Team Battle Against Scandalous Testimonies of Addict Recognition Depart Service of the UK – also know as F.A.T.B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S. Of the UK.

But, the time to estimate the level of success of the team-bonding task was soon upon us, as we were to face Second Division Leicester City in the Second Round of the Vans Trophy North, and without the sanctions of being allowed to use recently signed players James Hanson and Sam Hutchinson from Yermolai, who had once again gone on another 'Vodka Vacation', I made only one change which was Henderson for the tired O'Toibin, who would be sitting on the bench for the game. Hoping that our impressive home form and support could help give us an advantage, I looked forward to battling horns with Paul Jewell:


Tuesday 14th January 2014
English Vans Trophy North Second Round
Newark v. Leicester


The first ten minutes of the game was more forgetful then a dementia ridden OAP with a pet cat – but soon the Newark magic started to shape form!

Hemphill hoping to aid his team with a high ball to the far post for Zbimg to header which....


Smacked off the cross bar, and went flying into a Leicester's defenders face then cleared – a funny and somewhat anti-climatic finish to a superb team effort!

Five minutes later, the lively Zbimg earned a free-kick after Davenport pushed him off the ball. A Hemphill free-kick, could that be the first goal?


No – as we watched the wall being in effect. Soon the away support started to chant from our wasted chances.


“Who the fuck are Newark Athletic?
Who the fuck are Newark Athletic?”

To which the home support responded with:

“We're the ones who are fucking owning!
We're the ones who are fucking owning!”

Which I had to laugh as another close chance happen as Wato's header just went wide of the target.

But it was 36 minutes when Leicester had their first actual chance on goal. Nugent held the ball perfectly as Beckford ran into the box, cross the ball, Beckford headed the ball down for Nugent, who had run on, and lashed the ball into the back of the net....


But it was called offside!

Beckford was in an off-side position as he headed the ball, therefore the goal didn't count!

Time went by, and soon the end of the first half came – with the second half seeming the best half for the action, and with that in mind, Van der Voom was brought on in place of the poor performing Kowalinho.


And from the get go, Hemphill was on super-mode!

Dribbling past defenders like rain through finger, he set himself with a low shot which went just wide of the target. But that didn't stop us, or Hemphill!

Liam ran up the wing, passing the one Leicester player in his way, before a nice cross, which Hemphill saw the ball in the air and set himself...



And with the goal coming just nine minutes shy of the hour mark, Leicester was determined to equalise. Two minutes later, a perfect attacking display ended with a ball towards the free Beckford, who scored past Shepard to cut our lead, and redeem himself for his role in their off-side goal earlier.


But that didn't stop our chances from carrying on!

A Hemphill corner just wide from a Wato header, a Wato volley from a lobbed ball from The Eejit, a one-two via Zbimg and Van der Voom – all ending in chances not resulting with a second. And after two shots from Leicester, both saved from Shepard, it was time to make a change as Henderson was replaced for O'Toibin with about 19 minutes left to run.

And three minutes later, we had another chance. Another corner, Hemphill stood firm and strong as the captain's armband glowed in the sunshine light, as the whistle blew, he took the corner with a nice curling power ball, which was met with the head of Liam which went on-ward towards goal – as Kasper Schmeichel went to dive....


It wasn't enough to stop the power of the header!!!

We had done it!!!!!

We had taken the lead once more, and with such a short amount of time left, we surely would win it??

Which seemed much more likely after Cian Bolger basically rugby-tackled Zbimg to the floor resulting with a..


Making it 11 men versus 10.

Holding on, we had the result in our back pocket, and looked onward to the next round!


Day after the game, it was time for the North Quarter Final draw:


Doncaster Rovers – a mid-table team in the division above, an easier challenge then Leicester but still potential for an upset on our part, especially with us playing away to them.

With the next game being another home game, it was crucial we made the Premier League wannabes see the power at our disposal, as the days grew closer to the date. The opposition and target to be the messenger was Barnet:


Saturday 18th January 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. Barnet
(Hemphill '32, Henderson '67)(Weston '35)
MoM – F. Hemphill

Winger magic made a dull day – a good day!

Hard to break down their defence, but luckily a referee decision went against the away side as their captain Brian Fuller was sent off on the 25th minute, and without the influence of him, allowed a third goal in three games for Hemphill seven minutes later with another powerful free-kick. Barnet came back with Weston three minutes later, a nice header from a Kabba lobbed pass.

The end of the half was one were there was debate of 'What the fuck was that?' and 'Keep Going!', in which the team response, with only one moment of inspiration as Henderson did a nice half-volley from a Jose Hernandez cross on 67 minutes. The addition of The Eejit from Clayton helped with the defence, making sure no more chances were taken from Barnet – and soon the hallelujah of the final whistle broke the boredom.

With another three points in the bag, there was only one more home game before hosting West Ham three days later. For the third time in the row, we hosted for the opposition, and with three wins under the belt in a row too – confidence was high!


Wednesday 22nd January 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. Yeovil
(Kowalinho '38)
Hemphill Injured '73
MoM – R. Hoolihan

A cold wet day that drained the team – and drained our preparation for the West Ham game!

A game with a defensive performance on a scale that was brilliant, with a nice counter resulting with Vasily getting an assist with Kowalinho on 38 minutes. And...

that was all. The game was over-shadowed as the captain Hemphill was brought down with seventeen minutes gone – resulting in a pulled hamstring, ruling him out, not only of the FA Cup game against West Ham, but for three weeks!

And for two days, I worked and worked on possible tactics to try and be effective – but nothing seemed to be looking to break down the defences, and without the effective 'captain' and only the young and raw Henderson as the option it seemed to be destined for an epic. But then I came with an outstanding moment of realisation!


Sitting on the sofa the night before, it hit me!

Niko: That might actually work!!

As I searched for paper, I heard a creek from up-stairs, and following my instincts, I cautiously followed the source of the sound up the stair – coming from my bedroom – only finding one thing...


Niko: A feather?

I walk up to the feather, trying to reclaim in my mind who it could be snooping for me, then it came to me!

Niko: Miley Cyrus! The massive chicken was sent by her to finish me off, but how did she get here?

But as I said that, I heard my closet door creak open – a problem I still needed to fix. I instantly span round only to find a dart flying towards me.

http://crackberry.com/sites/crackberry.com/files/styles/w325/public/images/wallpaper_20071026092018_1361651497.jpg?itok=oN05S _Re

Niko: You think this motherfu...mother..... will stop me!

I said, as the enticing darkness intensify within, the closet door fully opened, but my vision was just blurs!

The exotic mixture disorientated me as I fell to my knees, I crawled over as the voice, which became a low modded voice as every sound echoed, each creak I made as I crawled feeling like hell!

Voice: How are you still up?

As the perpetrator said that, another three darts entered my neck. And finally, the strength of the darkness pushed. And......

30-03-14, 01:47 AM
Newark holds First Division West Ham for Replay as Manager is a No-Show!

Date: Saturday 25th January 2014

Despite manager Niko Bergstrom not showing up at the stadium, Newark Athletic stepped up and were the better team in their Fourth Round match-up against West Ham.

The Fearless Warriors, under the temporary management of Assistant Riley Bartley, over came early West Ham chances as Maiga's shot is cleared by defender Jose Hernandez. Chosen captain goal-keeper Shepard, second after normal captain Fraser Hemphill was ruled out after a mid-week showdown against Yeovil, and West Ham captain goal-keeper Craig Gordon were the main men of the night as either team could stop their exceptional saves.

An advantage was given to the Third Division home side after Alou Diarra was sent off with a second yellow card after twenty-two minutes, which once again wasn't capitalised by the home side.

A relative poor performance from the defences added more attention towards the attacking displays as each team looked set toe win, but couldn’t break the dead-lock.

A replay is scheduled on February 12th at Boleyn Ground.

Newark Athletic
Team: Shepard (c), Jose Hernandez, Baz (Pim Balkenstein '46), Roddy Hoolihan, Liam, Eddy Wato (Dean Furman '88), Mark Henderson, The Eejit, Lorenzo Zbimg, Kowalinho, Diarmuid O'Toibin
Substitutes: John Wood, Pim Balkenstein, Dean Furman, Henrik Van der Voom, Terrance Zannit

West Ham
Team: Craig Gordon, Joey O'Brien, George McCartney, Jordan Spence, James Collins, Mark Noble, Will Buckley, Alou Diarra (sent off '22), Kevin Nolan, Modibo Maiga, Ravel Morrison
Substitutes: Guy Demel, Michael Quirke, Alex Grant, Dylan Tombides, Paul McCallum

Man of the Match: Craig Gordon

Manager Comments

Newark Athletic Assitant Manager Riley Bartley: “Of course we are disappointed by the lack of professionalism by Niko, and I think that has disheartened our performance today. The players weren't cocentrated – and because of that we couldn't take advantage of the opportunities we had. Luckily neither could they – and now we can beat them on their on turf, shoving it in their face!”

West Ham Manager Sam Allardyce: “We were brilliant before the sending off, but due to two displays of idiocy, we wasn't able to get back into the game – especially with the intensity of the home team and support. Hopefully second time around we can show our dominance, and everyone will be focused on the job as team, rather then stupid individual mistakes that will create a negative impact on the game.”

30-03-14, 08:27 AM

BREAKING NEWS: Football Manager Is Missing!


Date: Sunday 26th January 2014
Report by Jackson Matthews

Football manager Niko Bergstrom, 25, has been reported missing after a initial absence after his side, Newark Athletic, were able to draw against West Ham in the Fourth Round of the FA Cup under the tutelage of assistant manager Riley Bartley.

Initial reports from the police and the football club is that Mr Bergstrom didn't turn up for a team meeting three hours before the game, and also failed to report for Sunday morning post-team review and morning training.

“It has been estimated that the missing person was taken the night of Friday 24th January, late at night. He is a male, in his mid-twenties, of Scandinavian heritage.” Said a local police woman. “He is around 6 foot 3, a strong jaw-line, blue eyes and a thick brunette hair – we are asking if anyone has any leads or details about his current whereabouts to please contact us immediately!”

The football club's owner, Russian billionaire Yermolai Relikovic, is said to have ended a business trip to help the police investigation and the club has also put out a statement.

Mr Relikovic: Flew in especially to help with the investigation

“Today, the club sadly has heard of the news of the disappearance of manager Niko Bergstrom. He has been estimated of his last whereabouts on Friday around 23:00pm to 01:00 am at his home.

Under these circumstances, we have agreed to let the team continue playing under assistant manager Riley Bartley in order to not cause a great-level of hysteria within the team and dismiss the great work that Niko has achieved thus far.

We are confident that he will be found unharmed if people with any information will come forward. If so, please contact the authorities if so.”

Bergstrom, who is currently managing his third team in his career, started football managing at the age of 18 at Finnish club HyPS, where he achieved a league title by winning the Norwegian First Division at his second season. But, following personal issues and professional differences with his boss, Niko was soon sacked and hired by-then Belgium Third Division side THES Sport who seemed relegation bound. He turned them around in his half-season and then followed it by two successive league titles: Belgium Third Division and Belgium Second Division, then following it with a fifth place finish in the First Division.

However, further conflict in his personal life and ties from the club had to external links made, UEFA stripped THES Sport of the accomplishments Bergstrom made and abolished them from the league structure – forcing Bergstrom to retire to start on a failed career in music, until being hired by Newark Athletic last season, where he would win the English Conference and be a runner-up in the FA Trophy.

Mr Eejit: Doubtful that the news is serious

But according to old friend, Theodore Captian Jean-Luc Pricard Eejit, who is reportedly 21, says that this is a reoccurring occurrence for Mr Bergstrom.

“He is 'missing' again, huh? It has been awhile since the last time! Niko is a enigmatic, charismatic and out-spoken character – so this happens a lot! Hey, you work for Sun newspaper right? How about giving me some digits for those Page 3 girls?” Said Mr Eejit, who is a marmalade maker and seller. “He will turn up in a couple of days with some wacky story about sheep, or aliens, or something – and all will be right as rain! He never changes, he's a leopard and his spots don't change, doesn't some of the [stuff] that he goes through.”

But, police have said there has seemed to be some kind of narcotics involved, as natural herbs were found by forensics, mixed together to create a sleeper agent. But they are suspecting a possible connection towards a lover or former lover that had tried to reindidle the relationship.

Newark Athletic will continue their season with a match against Exeter City on the 29th January, hoping that the man in the dugout would be Niko – but only time will tell.

07-04-14, 08:29 PM
Last Updated: Wednesday 29th September 2014

Henderson '33

Keohane '71

Kowalinho '85

http://www.london24.com/polopoly_fs/spt_wk07_14_kieran_richardson_soccer_fulham_213154 _1_3318600!image/1849809019.jpg_gen/derivatives/landscape_490/1849809019.jpg

Newark Rides On against Exeter

One first half goal by Mark Henderson and a late second near the end by Kowalinho continues Newark Athletic's impressive run of form despite the absence of manager Niko Bergstrom.

Under the hopeful-partial tutelage of Bergstrom's second-hand man Riley Bartley, the away side had the first chance on goal, with débutante Sam Hutchinson taking the reins of a free-kick on the wing which was capitalised by a head over by Kowalinho.

Athletic showed more of their attacking prowess with another chance, as Wato's lobbed pass towards Zbimg was wasted as last season's top goal-scorer’s shot was straight at the opposition's goal-keeper Rhys Evans.

After a nervous six minutes, Newark finally broke the deadlock after Eddy Wato's corner kick was met with the foot of youngster Henderson, scoring his fifth of the season with half an hour gone.

The second half was more anxious from the home side as they continuously tested Shepard in goal, finally being able to break the reflexes of the Canadian, Dawson's low pass into the six-yard box being found by the toe of Keohane to draw the score level with nineteen minutes left to play.

Newark continued to attack looking for the second, being thwarted by the leadership of defender Pat Baldwin, but finally was able to break the stubborn defence as Wato's lobbed pass fell for Kowalinho to score with five minutes left on the clock.

Manager Comments:

Newark Athletic Assistant Manager Riley Bartley: "A much better performance today after the horror show against West Ham. Onward now for the next game on Saturday against Hartlepool, gain momentum for the Doncaster game in the Vans Trophy - if Niko still being a lazy son-of a-"

07-04-14, 10:10 PM
Updated: Saturday 1st February 2014


Newark Athletic's Form Continues as Manager still Missing

Newark Athletic added another impressive win under their belt, as the search for their manager continues into the eighth day, with a 2-0 away win against Hartlepool.

It is the third consecutive game that Newark have been leaded by the assistant manager Riley Bartley, and the second win out of three after a draw against First Division side West Ham in the 4th Round of the FA Cup – a replay to be played just eleven days away.

In a typical Bergstrom-manner, Newark were the better attacking side throughout the game and bagged the first goal through a Kowalinho volley via a Hoolihan pass just 8 minutes into the first half.

The home side was no threat towards the in-form league leaders, as Kowalinho constantly tried to add to his earlier goal but was denied from the defence of the home side – only to add a second thanks to the instinct of débutante James Hanson, just four minutes into the second half.

With the Vans Trophy North Quarter Final match against Doncaster Rovers just shy of three days away, all eyes are on Bartley to be able to continue the impressive form on and gain a step closer towards the other objective that Bergstrom made clear he wanted at the start of the season.


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English Third Division - Saturday 1st February 2014
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2013/14 Table
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Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Newark 29 13 1 0 33 6 7 5 3 23 12 66
2nd Plymouth 29 11 2 2 31 18 7 2 5 25 17 58
3rd Gillingham 29 10 2 2 24 10 7 5 3 17 12 58
4th Preston 29 8 5 1 26 16 7 3 5 25 25 53
5th Southend 29 8 3 3 25 15 6 4 5 21 21 49
6th Torquay 29 9 3 3 30 19 4 3 7 23 30 45
7th Yeovil 29 5 6 4 18 13 7 2 5 27 22 44
8th Stevenage 29 9 2 4 39 29 3 6 5 19 26 44
9th AFC Wimbledon 29 7 4 3 28 23 5 4 6 21 24 44
10th Bristol Rovers 29 5 7 2 22 16 5 4 6 25 26 41
11th Accrington 29 5 5 5 26 28 6 2 6 25 28 40
12th Rotherham 29 5 8 2 21 16 4 4 6 19 24 39
13th Burton Albion 29 6 4 4 24 21 4 2 9 22 27 36
14th Rochdale 29 5 6 4 23 22 3 5 6 19 27 35
15th Morecambe 28 7 2 4 23 18 2 5 8 19 30 34
16th Exeter 29 2 6 7 19 26 6 2 6 27 27 32
17th Hartlepool 29 7 2 5 28 26 2 3 10 19 29 32
18th York 29 5 4 6 27 28 3 3 8 14 23 31
19th Dag & Red 29 5 6 4 25 23 2 4 8 15 28 31
20th Barnet 29 7 1 6 21 23 2 3 10 19 31 31
21st Aldershot 29 5 2 8 28 29 3 4 7 24 30 30
22nd Chesterfield 28 6 2 6 25 23 1 5 8 23 33 28
23rd Northampton 29 3 2 9 19 28 4 4 7 23 30 27
24th Fleetwood 29 7 1 7 30 31 1 2 11 13 33 27


07-04-14, 10:13 PM
Niko, where are you? :(

08-04-14, 12:41 AM
Update: Tuesday 4th February 2014


Newark Lucky to Continue as Penalties are their Saviours

Newark Athletic's poor attacking performance was overshadowed by a dominant defence that pushed the game into penalties after a goalless game though full time and extra time.

Both sides had eight chances throughout the 120 minutes, with the home side Doncaster having 5 on-target to Newark's abysmal 2, a fact that summed the performance of the away side's performance.

Newark was able to withstand the pressure thanks to a brilliant series of saves from captain and goalkeeper Shepard – who was able to thwart 21 year old prolific striker Caolan Lavery on three occasions, stepping up to the task after Sam Hutchinson's off game performance at right back.

Despite being off-footed throughout the 120 minutes it was the away side who scored all three of their penalties after substitute Bobby Barr went wide in the first kick, which fellow substitute Mark Henderson replied with a stunning penalty into the roof of the net.

Billy Paynter scored to seemingly give a life-line, but Sam Hutchinson repaid his poor performance in the match with a successful penalty kick, defender Jamie McCombe was denied by a superb save from Shepard – which Newark took advantage as Wato scored the third, leaving the pressure on the shoulders on 28 year old Scotsman Martin Woods.

The former Leeds star had a minor confrontation with fellow Scotsman The Eejit, who pointed towards his wife with a thrusting gesture, which seemed to effect the deciding kick as Woods smacked wide into the bill board which bounced off and, somewhat in a way of karma, smacked The Eejit in his face knocking him out – forcing him to be stretchered off the pitch as the team celebrated.

In eight days Athletic face West Ham, with a home game against Preston North End in the middle, and with no word from the oncurring investigation, the liklihood of Niko Bergstrom in the dugout is unlikely.

Players Comments

Newark Athletic striker Kowalinho said: “I don't know how to say this, but, we kind of want our manager back! In fairness, he knew how to defend a team and break down attacks for counters – which, you know, worked for me! Riley is a defensive minded manager, Niko is attack – you know? So as a striker I want to be up the pitch to score goals and move to the 'Pools, Uniteds and 'Lonas! You know? I don't know how to say this, but, Niko is a franchise builder – he made this team, so he can make me a franchise name! You know? Niko, where are you?”

09-04-14, 06:22 PM
Updated: Saturday 8th February 2014


Newark adds More Momentum going into FA Cup Replay

Newark Athletic add another impressive win despite a second string team after a come-back against Preston North End.

Newark's second team started off with the typical dominance which resulted in second-choice defensive midfielder Max Clayton latching onto the rebound save from O'Toibin's shot just seven minutes into the game.

The First half seemed to be more of a defensive match up, as Newark's efforts for a second were uncreative and mismanaged – allowing Preston to firmly hold onto the second half.

Preston ushered more men to attack as Newark hung on for over 20 minutes with the lead until Mousinho's corner kick met the head of Jack Mackreth, the 21-year-old's first goal of the season, to level the game.

In response Bartley an average Van der Voom made way for the side's top goalscorer Kowalinho, who added a much needed dynamic to the home sides attack, finally making the ultimate effect by scoring 7 minutes later by rounding goalkeeper Moreira and tapping it in to seal the three points and to score his 20th of the season.

Fans Comments

A Newark Athletic fan said: “Who needs Niko when we have Riley! Give him the job, and let Niko rot wherever he is.”


14-04-14, 09:14 PM

Police Investigation Close to Breakthrough

Date Added: Monday 10th February 2014
Written by Merk Ezerkm

After weeks of silence, Nottinghamshire Police have announced that they are close to a breakthrough of their investigation of the disappearance of Newark Athletic manager Niko Bergstrom, who was last seen mid-day Friday 25th January.

Initial reports from the on-going investigation was that a possible herbal narcotic mixture was used to sedate the 26-year old in his home in Balderton, also with a list of former romantic partners and associates as possible suspects.

Police has announced there could have been a sighting of Mr Bergstrom, but didn't specifically announced the possible location, they also worked from a crash site of a former car that could have been owned by Mr Bergstrom – but was later dismissed as owning to deceased actress Lindsay Lohan.

While still being tight-lipped about the 'breakthrough', but news is that they are hopeful to find Mr Bergstrom within in the next couple of days.

14-04-14, 09:16 PM
If you think i let you do anything to niko you are wrong

14-04-14, 09:59 PM
Update: Wednesday 12th February 2014


Newark dealt A Blow after Hopeful News

Newark Athletic was dealt with a blow as West Ham win their 4th Round replay at Boleyn Ground, after a positive update on the investigation of manager Niko Bergstrom.

The Hammers were the superior team, though wasn't able to add on from 20 year-old Dylan Tombides first half on 19 minutes, after a marvellous solo performance by former Manchester United youth player Ravel Morrison.

West Ham dominated the performance, as Newark Athletic struggled to get out of first gear and never really challenged the score-line as captain and Goalkeeper Shepard made yet another impressive performance, denying further chances by the Hammers as they go on further into the competition.


17-04-14, 04:09 PM
Who needs the gaffer ? We are doing brilliantly well without him ! Lets just hope that there is some totally unnecessary blood, gore and violence behind the story of his disappearance.

As for Woods missing that peno ... pathetic.

22-04-14, 12:12 PM
The Second Journey
Chapter Eight:
The Master has Returned!

Niko: Argh! My head!

I screamed as I woke up, with a blindfold on my face – basically the typical Kidnapping 101 – this time I felt a feather brushing against my naked toes.

Niko: Ha! That doesn't work against me!

But as I said that, soon my toe became moist as a rather rugged tongue licked against my big toe instead.

Niko: Okay, now that is kind of freaky...

Soon the licking started to turn into nibbling, which made me react by forcing all my power into my left leg, breaking the constraints and smacking whatever – or whoever – straight into the face.

Niko: Take that motherfucker!

I screamed as I urged all my strength to my arms to try and do the same – but as the constraints dug into my arms causing, what felt like cuts, soon I felt another dart hit me straight into my neck.

Niko: Not again, for fucksake...

I said as the liquid of the dart flowed around my veins, the effects caused me to black out – but rather, I urged onto the adrenaline of fighting the drowsiness I was able to break the constraints on my right – urging it to rip off my blindfold to see my captor!


Niko: You!

I scream as I remembered the freaky jungle woman from Tim Sheerwood Forest.

Queen of Forest: What are you doing, darling? You need sleep, we have to populate kingdom tomorrow – rest is needed now!

She said before firing another dart into my neck.

Niko: Ah, what the ….


I attempted to say before I became one with the darkness.

The next memory I had was not darkness – though I wished it was as I looked around the place I was now captive in.


Chained to the wooden bed, the Queen of Forest reigned over me with a cheeky smile.

Queen of Forest: I hope you are ready rested, King!

She said, before the fireworks were ignited.


After the firework show, I was unchained, but something felt right. Being next to this crazy bitch felt as it was meant to be – as if I was a Swedish captive – I was entranced to know why I was chosen? Why is she here?

But before I could verbally ask her anything, it was time for the next firework show.


But as I awoke I was free! I was able to run if I wanted, I was able to move freely, I could freely discuss the relationship of Nicolas Cage and the paradigm of acting – but something choked me – psychologically.

Why was I such a dream-boat of this woman? And, was she hired by someone to be nuts? Is she related in some-way to Phetrovology?

With all the questions, I even started to question my own sanity, but I had only been away for a couple of days – I knew the club would put someone in charge for the moment, hell maybe even Yermolai's son had the realm of manager for a while – maybe another day to sort these questions into answers wouldn't harm that?

I mean, we are dominating the league – West Ham are West Ham (long ball for long ball) so they could easily be beaten!

And so I decided to roll on with the idea that I was 'playing' the role that this woman wanted! After all, maybe I could sort something that would mean I wouldn't be harmed in the future!

But soon the days just went past!


And soon, I had gathered enough information to know everything – but not because of conversation with herself – who was avoiding each question – but by her pet monkey, who could talk English.

According to, and I can't believe I am even listen to this, the monkey told me how the Queen of Forest was once an aspiring musician, just as I was, but after a poor review and a media annihilation towards her live performances (which also occurred to myself), she had a mental breakdown which lead to her coming to the forest and setting up her 'kingdom' – with no recollection of her life before – and obsessed to wait for her 'king' to heir a prince.

After hearing about her story from the monkey, it only inspired me to dig more – a curious mind clings onto to curious subjects. But after another 24 hours, nothing changed, so I decided to try and escape – warring myself for a tough escape – but it the escape itself was too simple.

I literally walked away, but once again my sense of co-ordination got me lost within the forest.


Niko: To be honest, I think I need to sort my co-ordination thing out...

I stated to myself as I circled around the forest – the impending sense of doom gloomed across my face – and I knew that the diet of forest berries and leaf soup while under the 'command' of the Queen of Forest, my body would starve itself – putting into question the liability of the talking monkey being real – my saviour once again....


Niko: Oh, thank God! Soña, you don't understand how please I am to see you!

Soña: NIKO! I have been worried. I didn't know where I could find you, I searched everywhere for you – I guess I was just waiting for a sign for you to point to me where you are.

Niko: Can you help me out of here?

Soña: Maybe – there is a catch though...

She said, throwing down her gun, and taking her top off – and the fire hazard begun.


Emerging out from the forest, the sun burnt my eyes, it felt like the shade had shadowed me from the realms of reality, and finally I was ready to continue my role and take-over from whatever remains from the tenure of my number two.


Luckily, I was able to get a taxi back into Newark-on-Trent, and instead of going straight home, I decided instead to turn-up at the Friday training, hoping to sneak past the staff and players to get to my toilet/office – in order to get some kind of assessment how well the lads had done without my awesome tactical and inspiring motivational aura – but of course, with the amazing personality I have – as soon as I climbed past the gates, I was soon encountered by some shifty looking super-market security guards.


Guard 1: So what do we have here then?

Guard 2: A ball rapist?

Guard 1: Possible!

They said to one another, ignoring me, as I stood straight up.

Guard 1: Do you get pleasure from licking balls, son? Do you love to hear the sound of air escaping as you pierce through that surface?

Niko: What? No!

Guard 2: What about brush you bare ass against the mesh of the goal nets? Do you enjoy the feel of the tiny threads of fabric weaving through each hair on your buttocks as you bite onto your tongue, trying not to scream out in pleasure?

Niko: Seriously! What the hell! Who the hell are you guys? And, are you mentally ill?

Guard 1: Son, are you really in any position to question our mental health after telling us your freaky fetishes?

Guard 2: You're one sick son-of-a-bitch, son, you know that?

Niko: Look here! I am the football manager of this club! I am only trying to sneak to my office to see how the team has done since I was kidnapped by a crazed former female pop vocalist!

Guard 1: Yeah right!

He said, cuing the two idiots to start chuckling like hyenas.

Niko: I ask again, who the hell are you?

Guard 2: We are the part-time security for the training grounds after the former manager was mysteriously taken!

Guard 1: Poor bastard was probably abducted by an alien mythical creature in its aluminium mid-flight contraption!

Guard 2: Yeah, and then a anal medical creation probed him!

Guards: Poor bastard!

As they shook their heads, suddenly a aluminium mid-flight contraption emerged behind them.


Which them beamed down an alien mythical creature holding, what seemed to be, a anal medical creation in his hand.


The guards not aware by the sudden emergence of the triple AMCs behind them continued to spout even more shite.

Guard 2: You know what, I think an avian mechanism converter might have safely dropped him to the floor.

Guard 1: Me right I think

He said in a sudden burst of broken grammar, as the Alien approached from behind, annoyed at their ignorance of his presence.

Guard 2: Did you forget to take your articulation medicine capsules?

Guard 1: Forgot I did!

But soon, the two many mentions of AMCs caused the alien mythical creature to have a brain aneurysm, and it dropped to the floor.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Too many AMCs killed the AMC!

Guard 1: Bastard sneaky!

Said, once again in broken grammar, which resulted with another sudden appearance.


Niko: Oh My Gawd! It's the Grammar Nazi!

As I shouted those seven words, the Grammar Nazi held onto the two guards. Holding tight onto their uniforms he roared before they all turned into dust – and soon another minor-roled characters disappeared.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Grammar Nazi killed the AMC moment!

But with all the weird things going on, it caught the attention of the wandering coach – Joel Power.


Joel: Niko, you bastard?

He said, questioning my sudden appearance at the corner of the training facility. He nonchalantly walked over, with a stone-wall expression etched into his face – seemingly not bothered by the fact that I suddenly arrived after a few weeks of dissappearing.

Joel: What the hell are you doing here?

Niko: I came in to see how well the lads have been since I was away!

Joel: Been quite well, if I say so, but to be honest if it was ME as the manager when you went on vacation then we would still be in the FA Cup!

Niko: Right – so I guess we were knocked out by West Ham?

Joel: Yeah, in a replay nonetheless!

Niko: What about the league?

Joel: Won every game.

Niko: And the Vans Trophy?

Joel: Won on penalties – really, under Riley, no-one here really cared about you being gone!

Niko: Well, got the lads together – and tell Riley to fuck off home – because....

I said, grabbing a pair of sunglasses from my pocket.

Niko: The Master has Returned!

To Be Continued.

22-04-14, 02:38 PM
I'm so glad that there was a simple explanation for his disappearance. Thank god it all makes sense.

Now that the master has returned, lets see Newark wrap up the season and power on up the leagues.

22-04-14, 05:16 PM
The Second Journey
Chapter Eight:
The Master has Returned!

As the lads all gathered round, it was time for the motivational speech that they had been missing since I was kidnapped by the crazy woman in Tim Sheerwood Forest. As they all sat around, eyes glued to my black shades on my eyes, I stroke my beard – that had grown from weeks of not shaving – standing with a straight posture in front of the tactical board.


Niko: Right bitches, since I have gone it looks like Riley has taken credit for my tactical choices, choosing my first eleven – and took all the fucking credit! And used my signings of Hanson and Hutchinson – and welcome by the way – as his own! He has broken MY right as manager and taken advantage of what I have built for the last year odd.

As I said that, walking up and down the width of the laid out chairs that the team-mates sat in, whimpers started to emerge from some of the lads.

Niko: I escaped my constraints and come here to remind some of the deluded that Riley is nothing but a opportunist who took the chance of my kidnapping for a shot to show the world his managerial talent – which I respect him for! But, he is nothing but a maverick with ideals greater then he truly is – an apprentice!

All eyes hinged onto me as I stopped in the centre of the line.

Niko: But that dream of the apprentice taking over the teacher is over! Because the master has returned – the king has come back to his throne – and he wants to taste that golden crown, that he – we – are aiming for!

I paused – wiping out a cigarette from my pocket, shoving it into my mouth and lit it, despite the 'No Smoking' signs that were laid out on the walls surrounding me.

Niko: That is why, instead of the 4-1-3-2 formation we have all become adapted to – is going to change! I wasn't going to play it against West Ham, but Riley didn't know that! Instead we were going to play a 4-3-3 attacking formation – fullbacks breaking into wings supporting the wingers, the determined and active defensive midfielder to break down the runs from attacking midfeilders and help the two centre-backs, the midfielders to support the final third and to play the lone striker!

I spoke with a passion of the possible tactic of choice for a game that was absent from my clutch – as I dropped the ash onto the floor before continuing on.

Niko: Fate broke that chance – but now, I am forcing this to be effective for the North Semi Final in the Vans Trophy against Port Vale in four days! But first, we have a test tomorrow against AFC Wimbledon! So, today we will be staying longer to ensure we are ready! So are we ready?


I dropped the finished fag onto the cement floor and stamped onto it.

Niko: I said, ARE WE READY?

Players: YES!

They screamed back in reluctance, before running out to work on the new plan.


As the fans packed into the stadium, I ensured that my return was to be secret from them and told the team to act 'as if' Riley was just yet again the 'manager'. Instead of watching the game from the dugout, instead I was going to be in the tunnel – dressed mysteriously so no-one would notice it was me!

The team was chosen by myself! Though it was essentially the same team that played against West Ham by with the new tactic and Dean Furman being played as the extra midfielder instead of the extra striker, and Zbimg taken the lone striker – hoping to reclaim the exceptional form he achieved last season!


Saturday 15th February 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. AFC Wimbledon
(Wato '41, O'Toibin '45)(Bellotti '3)
MoM – D. O'Toibin

Despite some hectic moments, such as a terrible start – but we grew into the different style of play, with the attacking fullbacks helping the wingers in the attack as it was the one-two with Moxey and winger O'Toibin who assisted the cancellation of Wimbledon's goal just three minutes, as Wato's volley into the back of the net.

Then it was the right-back Jose Hernandez who crossed the ball over the defence for O'Toibin's angle defining shot into the top right in stoppage time of the first half to seal the lead. In the second half, O'Toibin continued his impressive performance in the first half with a devastating attacking threat but no finishing with Zbimg made it hard to add to the score-line.

But, at the end of the game, I found it hard to not celebrate the performance – ruining my secret 'watcher' role by running onto the pitch and screaming into the aura of the celebratory atmosphere from the home fans.


But I couldn't really put all my attention into the media shock and the police questioning, making a deal to do both at the end of the season in order to not interfere with the football! Next game: Port Vale away.


One of the goals was to add a cup to the history when we can, especially after coming so close at the end of last season being runners-up, it was all about continuing the league form into the cup run.

Wanting to use the same team, hoping that the terrific form shown in the final half of the first half and the second – which was ruined by bad finishing – I was kicked in the balls by reality as O'Toibin was too tired after his perfect performance against Wimbledon and so the sixteen year old Mark Henderson would replace him at left wing. And of course, Hemphill was reinstated as captain.


Tuesday 18th February 2014
Vans Trophy North Semi-Final
Port Vale v. Newark
(Zbimg '62 '76)
MoM – L. Zbimg


In what seemed to be a life-time Zbimg finally found the finishing touch as well as his dribbling skills. The game in whole was back in forth with each side having enough shots that it could kill Terminator! But, despite the impressive team performance it was down to Lorenzo's one-off exceptional performance that gave us the performance of the cup so far!

The fact that it could have been a hat-trick if Hemphill didn't get stranded offside 41 minutes in – but a superb reaction time on the 62nd minute allowed the Italian stallion to finch onto Speroni's rebound save. And 14 minutes later it was just like a replay as he did it again!

Bad day between the posts for the former Crystal Palace keeper

The next day it was confirmed that the first paid transfer in the club's history as French defensive midfielder Yohan Betsch signed for £450k from Guingamp, just five months after signing for them from Laval for £110k. As someone who could also be an option for right-back, he adds more depth to the squad which might come in handy come closer to the end of the season.

First paid signee from Guingamp for £450k

After the intensive and tiring Port Vale game, it was time for some changes, Clayton came on for The Eejit, Baz came on for Moxey, Van der Voom on for the tired Zbimg, Hoolihan was replaced for Balkenstein (who looked to be playing a minimal amount anyway) and new-boy Betsch was on the bench.


Saturday 22nd February 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. Morecambe
MoM – W. Haining

A second string team came up with a second rate performance overall as the defensive Morecambe never stepped out of their half then on counters – but still controlled the game. Morecambe never allowed us to have a clear chance or shot on goal – with most of the overall play in the centre half of the field it kind of defined the overall performance for both teams.


Annoyed with the 'negative football' used, I wanted to create a more offensive attacking team. But first we were told our opponents for the North Final:


It was mid-table Second Division side Sheffield United that could have been pushing for promotion with the strikers Nick Blackman, Rickie Lambert, Simeon Jackson and Dave Kitson all fighting for positions and could walk into any other team, defensively they weren't great which gave us an advantage in some way.

Mind back onto the league, it was time to choose the eleven that would the play-off pushing Southend. Making only two changes as the now fit O'Toibin was back into the starting line-up and Lorenzo Zbimg was given the nod ahead of Kowalinho, not feeding the media hungry Ama Peach.


Wednesday 26th February 2014
English Third Division
Southend v. Newark
(Phillips '53)(Hemphill '90)
MoM – M. Phillips

An annoying 'park the bus' performance from the home side added the negative football scheme against us, once again – and despite the 16 shots we had on, 10 of each was on target – it was only down to the winger connection that it happened!

Southend had minimal chances, and it was only down to a corner from Ryan Hall and temporary bad positioning from Hoolihan that allowed defender Phillips to head in the first goal – which game into the second half – but was also the reason why we wasn't able to have one back as he blocked and challenged every attack. But a last chance saloon attack at the end of the second half, allowed to threaten their tired players as Furman, Wato and O'Toibin curved away at them – resulting with O'Toibin with a high cross into the box, which was found by the captain who volleyed it straight into the back of the net!

As soon as the whistle blew I jumped in celebration with the draw, knowing a point is a point, and we still had the advantage over Gillingham.

Jumping for joy!

With the last game before the Vans Trophy North Final being just three days away, it was time to rest a few players and continue the momentum for others. Moxey slotted in at left-back as Baz replaced the sold Balkenstein who left for his native Dutch side AZ for £150k, Vasily played a rare game as he replaced the rested Furman, and Van der Voom for Zbimg.


Saturday 1st March 2014
English Third Division
Burton v. Newark
(Webster '43)(O'Toibin '18, Vasily '54)
Shepard injured '7
MoM – E. Wato

A horrific start as less than ten minutes in a collision between Burton forward Billy Knee and Shepard lead to Shepard having to be stretchered off the pitch.

Applauded by both fans out of respect

Both sets of fans applauded the Canadian as he was taken off, being replaced by the transfer listed and reluctant second-choice keeper John Wood – all I could do was wait that the news we would get after the match wouldn't be as bad it looked like, especially with the Sheffield United game just around the corner.

Fortunately the team wasn't completely turned off by the horrific incident, Clayton and Wato controlled the midfield well which resulted with a nice defence splitting through-ball which was lynched onto by O'Toibin who went past Tomlinson and slotted the ball into the bottom corner.

It took Burton a while to reply, but Page did a nice lobbed ball for Webster who took advantage of Wood's lack of game time, by slotting in his tenth goal of the season just minutes away from the end of the first half.

The second half cemented Wato's brilliant influence on the game as he assisted yet another goal, this time with his midfield partner Vasily, who volleyed the lay-off from Wato into the back of the net for his fifth.

Arriving back onto the bus I met with the physio Paul Davies who gave me the brief on the state of Shepard's injury.


Niko: So tell me, how long is he out for?

Davies: Luckily, Shepard only has a gashed leg – don't really know why they decided to take him off with the stretcher – but, he will be out for about two weeks.

Niko: Damn, so he would miss both legs of the Sheffield United games, plus a load of league games.

Davies: Afraid so.

As I thought about my options I decided to retire back home to sleep over my options, but as I arrived back I felt a sense of guilt after I witnessed the face of lover Soña, knowing what happened in Tim Sherwood Forest.


Niko: Hey!

I said with a little bit of a high note at the end.

Soña: So you ready to come clean then?

She said instantly in response, shocked I stumbled back.

Niko: You mean, you know?

Soña: I know more about YOU, then YOU know, Niko.

With that said I could feel the cold breeze shiver across my skin, and the awkwardness started to sink in. Maybe putting all my empathy onto football wasn't the greatest idea, especially when you have someone like Soña who seems to carry a gun every-time I see her.

As I started to think things through - she walked over and tapped my shoulder, standing still I closed my eyes as she reached for my ears to whisper something. Something that I had heard so much, so hauntingly throughout my life.

Soña: Let This River Flow....

To Be Continued.

22-04-14, 05:39 PM
Updated first page, currently writing the next continuation - mainly football, might add some comedy in because the previous one didn't have any with a little story. ;)

Hope to end the season some point in the next week or two.

03-05-14, 06:42 PM
The Second Journey
Chapter Eight:
The Master has Returned!

Four words that have riddled my life with an daunting echo. A calling from the darkness of confusion – what the hell is it about?

Niko: What did you say?

I asked to Soña as my eyes were closed still. Tightening my fists to hold back my agony, I awaited a response but nothing came just silence. Opening my eyes all I saw was my living room – with no sign of anyone even been there. With The Eejit moving in with Theodore Eejit, I guess I have let more of the stress effect my mental state in negative way.

Niko: Okay. Time for sleep, then wake up and sort this goalkeeper scenario out!

And so I went to bed...


The next day I started to break into the network of the transfer market searching for a goalkeeper that I could either buy or loan, and could get in time for the Sheffield United game. Luckily enough, one goalkeeper was happy enough to join us despite our low reputated and unknown club.


Fortunately for us, that one goalkeeper happened to be a Premier League player – and though it wasn't a permanent replace (even though we are given the option) – Reading's over-looked goal-keeper Ross Atkins joined the club on loan – especially for the Sheffield United games. Atkins, a former Derby player before being bought by Reading for £40k, hasn't played a single game for Reading, Derby or Burton, the previous club he was loaned to before being bought by Reading, in the last two years so the pressure was on the 24 year old.


Despite the enthusiasm from all the lads, it was my choice to who would be played and whose dreams to make a historic moment within the club to break. After the impressive performances of Vasily, O'Toibin, and co – I decided to make only two changes. Kowalinho would replace Van der Voom to add more composure infront of goal and Atkins would make his début for the injured Shepard.


Tuesday 4th March 2014
English Vans Trophy North Final Leg 1
Newark v. Sheff Utd

For the managerial battle I was challenged by former Motherwell and Bradford legend Stuart McCall.


Hopefully, he would be able to stay well still within the technical area instead of tripping in his celebrations of Bradford's unlikely promotion to the Premier League during his playing years/


But history aside it was time for the contest that we would have to face – not once, but twice.

The early fifteen minutes was encouraging for us, the home side, as the partnership of Vasily and Wato caused an eery save from Burch, allowing for a Hemphill corner kick.

Hemphill tried with an in-swinging corner which was easily disposed by Burch as he clamped onto Clayton's header.

United's saviour in the early moments

But, it only caused yet another corner.


It was dealt well by the away sides defence, but of course I was ready for that, as Baz collected the loose clearance and charged onward towards the oppositions box. With at least a 30 yard distance, he took aim and...


Was denied by Burch with a finter-tip save.

But the ball wasn't clearly cleared by the defence, and once again we regained the possession. With some perfect passes, Wato was able to find the free-roaming Kowalinho within the box who.....



We took the lead with less than half an hour still to play!

United pounced on the attack hoping to a rectifier, which never came. Playing on the quick counter, another goal-scoring opportunity came towards us.

Wato passed towards O'Toibin on the wing. A nice flowing cross towards the near post looked set for failure.

Our Lampard once again!

Until the determined run of Wato sealed a perfect half-volley into the back of the back!

With only half-an-hour played, we had continued our impressive home form!

With his tenth goal of the season notched, it was time for Wato and his midfield to hold onto the lead till the end of the first half – which was surprisingly easy!


In the second half, United was on the instinct to at least score one back!

Lambert one-on-one with Atkins resulted with....


A save!

And soon the onslaught of Sheffield started to emerge Lambert and Williams were both denied the vital goal they were searching for!

Moment after moment the tension aroused faster than a jaguar on heat. Playing on the counter we continued to test the away opposition, mostly coming through the middle as Clayton (who was playing for the once again injured The Eejit), Wato and Vasily connected to feed Kowalinho, who was denied by yet another defining save from Burch.

As the game pressed on, McCall started to sweat and started to make changes, but none had the effect he wanted, and soon the defensive performance of the second half played straight into their frustrations and constantly we thwarted attacks they tried to create and made our own!

Of course none of them could supply to the already two goal lead, and in the end we were going into the second leg, away from home and with a 2 goal cushion to fall back on.


Between the seven days of the second leg, we had another visit this time against Chesterfield, and it was the same eleven that faced them, hoping to gain more momentum going into the game.


Saturday 8th March 2014
English Third Division
Chesterfield v. Newark
(Togwell ’30)(Kowalinho ’42)
MoM – S. Hird

A ultra-defensive performance from the home side made it hard for us to break down and really add more than a lucky solo-goal from Kowalinho. Of course, we were the main men within the game, controlling all areas except for their final third, and that bit us on the ass – enforcing to put up with taking a point.


But I couldn’t be taken away too much from the game as the more important game was right on our door – well, Sheffield’s – but still, my attention was onto the second leg for the right to be in the Vans Trophy final.

Forcibly, I had to make two changes, Clayton disappointing fitness in training meant he had to take the day off, and in-came The Eejit, whose anxiousness was rewarded instead of Betsch who would once again be watching the game from the sidelines. Another change was Baz coming out to left-back after Moxey suffered an injury in the Chesterfield game – allowing Liam to slot in next to Hoolihan.


Tuesday 11th March 2014
English Vans Trophy North Final Leg 2
Sheff Utd v. Newark

With such an immense pressure for us to not concede, it was time for an inspiring speech.

Niko: Go out there, and fuck ‘em up!


Stuart McCall looked calm looking for a win, despite the two goal deficit, but with the influential words ringing in the ears of the lads – it seemed to be a lot more difficult for the former Bradford man.


As only 2 minutes in, Vasily had fired the ball into the back of their net!

O’Toibin was the creator with a terrific cross, which he simply headed into the back of the net. Routine stuff. But surely, it wouldn’t be that simple?


It was, as only 18 minutes later it was O’Toibin running away celebrating as he latched onto Kowalinho’s lobbed pass!

In response to the terrific attacking football, McCall seemed to had lost hope, especially as the only two chances that Sheffield created in the first half were nowhere near Atkins, and in the beginning of the second half, Sheffield started to sit deep.


As the fans expressed their views on the home side’s new approach, they soon started to attack back!

Which left them valurnable and soon it was another on-slaughter of Newark shirts running towards their goal – but thanks to the terrific performance of Rob Burch – we weren’t able to convert.

75 minutes.

Hoolihan ventures forward, as he rarely does, and wins a throw in. Taken by Wato, he finds the free Vasily. His first touch allows him to turn, look up, and see the on running Kowalinho. He lobs the ball forward and….


Volleys into the back of the net.

3-0 here, 2-0 at home – and on the board it wrote 5-0 on aggregate.

And it was done, we were in the final!!!


After the game we were free for a whole 7 days!

Instead of training, I decided to let the team have the week off to ensure that fitness could be improved. But, before I could announce that, we were informed the side we would be facing in the Vans Trophy Final:



The team that had suffered with the dealings of Redknapp and his poisonous effects on his teams he leaves – after sacking Michael Appleton in December, they have found some kind of redemption and consistency in the form of Paul Lambert.


After just escaping relegation with Aston Villa, he was on thin ice – and that cracked after a poor rub at the beginning of this season. Out of work since then, I find it funny how a ‘Premier League’ manager is so far down in the leagues, such as Second Division – but allow me to face a final worthy adversary so far since my return from the bullshit kidnapping.


Despite the lads having a break, I was not. Working from my amazing toilet office, I still had to work out the shit of BobMem, Kowalinho wanting to leave as well as the mysterious mind of Volkan ‘Two Face’ Ediz, who seemed to both want to stay but also want to leave for a bigger club – leaving a major distaste of the frivolous gossip ladies of the locker-room.

First I did two dealings, out went Lee Collins to Bury for £90k, and in came Ross Atkins for £500k after impressing in 3 games he had played – a nice second-choice I might add. But, before I could sing the tune of the Bill theme song, I was soon encountered by the local corrupt chief.


He burst into my toilet-office, breaking the stall door – all I can add is thankfully I was ready for something like this so I wouldn’t have to try and find another pair of trousers, a nice lesson I learnt dreadfully before.

Corrupt chief: Ah, Mr Bergstrom. Nice to know that pieces of human waste know where they belong!

Niko: Ha. I bet that took two seconds to come up with. Now what do you want, cunt chops?

Corrupt Chief: Now, you wouldn’t want to use that kind of language around a member of the police force now, would you?

Niko: Don’t know, is there one here?

I said, imitating trying to look behind him.

Corrupt Chief: Now, you little shit!

Niko: Alright enough! Stop with the stupid puns! I get it; my office is also a toilet. Hahahaha! I think that joke has worn thin, don’t you?

Corrupt Chief: Whatever. Now, when the detectives come calling about you being kidnapped you’ll tell him nothing, you hear?

Niko: Right. Because I will so be bothered by threats from you!

As soon as I said that, my only window was soon smashed in by an old looking man.


It was a Midget! And even worse, not only was he Irish, but he had a pogo stick! He could jump to my height in one giant leap for small-kind!

Corrupt Chief: You don’t know what you’re messing with here, buddy boy!

Niko: I get you, but what’s with MC Smalley over their?

Corrupt Chief: He’s been hired by the top chiefs to make sure you keep in line, overwise he will play Danny Boy with your lungs!

Niko: All I would have to do is step on a chair like this!

I said, getting up and standing ontop of the toilet bowl.

Niko: And he couldn’t touch me!! He’s wee little arms wouldn’t be able to do anything!

What the little bastard did next was more mischievous. He hopped over, stopped and then started to piss on my feet.

As I tried to dodge the stream, I slipped and my leg got stuck in the toilet as I flushed.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! You’ve 127 hours me to a frisking toilet! Time to call the big shots!

Soon, I lent over towards my desk and grabbed the secret box I had.


I opened the box with the key I kept around my neck, to get the object inside.


Another, albeit smaller, wooden box which I then opened with the keys I had taped to my left but cheek to open.


To get to the whistle, which I blew as hard as I could to open a secret-secret contraption to reveal the real secret.


A Lucky Charm!

The Irish’s second worst enemy, after alcoholism.

Niko: Ha! A Lucky Charm!

The midget soon started to sweat as he fought his genetic national urge to grab it, but as my eyes gleamed and an evil chuckle embarked from the forefront of my throat – my own worst enemy appeared from the door.



Theo: Yo Niko, I heard a whistle and thought it was a marmalade rave!

He said with a gleaming eyes, only to be hit with disappointment.

Theo: Oh, so it’s a gay rave. Damn!

He said with sadness being marked, until his eyes were glued to the Lucky Charm in the palm of my head.

Theo: So the prophecy was correct!

He said walking towards me, pushing the midget aside onto the floor.

Theo: This is the Lucky Charm of Marmaras, the God of Marmalade! It is said a great messenger will alert the true believer of Marmen to its presence - and it has!

He grabbed the Lucky Charm faster then I could close my hand into a fist, and hailed it towards the barely lit ceiling.

Theo: Crunchy, Munchy of Marmalade Sauce – Show me the grand’s worth on Earth – The one reason of life itself – the Maramalade Power Force!

He screamed running out of the room like a child on extacy – and soon I was back to the muted midget and the Corrupt Chief.

Corrupt Chief: Well, I will tell the Prime Minister everything is according to plan – and that you having been silenced from telling you the truth. Gooday – now come on Larry, we have to leave now to reach the train to Lair of Fudge, before He gets back.

They both left, as I sudden chill ran down my spine as I remembered the word ‘He’.

Niko: They couldn’t have met – Him?

I said, ignoring the fact my leather show was trapped into a one bedroomed space with a lump of shit.

Luckily, the local shit-eater, AMC was able to free me – but died soon after.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! My lump of Shit killed AMC!

But as I said that suddenly, his stomach burst open like that scene from Alien, and my lump of shit was revealed.

Shit: I shall kill again, B:censored:!

It screamed before escaping from the broken window.

Niko: Soo… my shit is a serial killer…..

I shook my shoulders not wanting to go into too much thought.

Niko: Meh, I have more important shit to do….


Everyone seemed rested, except Hemphill who still was exhausted and had the game off, allowing the younger Henderson a chance to add another impressive performance in Hemphill’s absence.

Tuesday 18th March 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. Gillingham
(Weston ’48, Montrose ’61)
MoM – C. Whelpdale

And what came was a performance which showed we were human, and allowed second place Gillingham cut down the point deficit against us. A bore of a first half, the life of the game came in the second half and, unlucky, it was because of the away side that no-one committed suicide from the boredom.

The thorn in our side was 27 year old Chris Whelpdale, which broke down our left back Baz and kept plucking away at our defence. Him and Strevens earned a free kick thanks to the aggressive nature of a pissed The Eejit, which Weston scored from – and it was due to Whelpdale’s pin-perfect cross that allowed Montrose to tap in from his deep run from midfield.

Luckily for us, the next game was against Stevenage, and both Shepard and Hemphill were ready to resume their roles within the first eleven among other changes.


One change was O’Toibin, whose fitness wasn’t the sharpest, who was replaced by Henderson on the left wing, another chance to impress after having to be replaced at 62 minutes by the man who was playing up-front, Van der Voom. Hutchinson also made his first start under me as the ex-Chelsea man replaced the suspended Hoolohan.

Saturday 22nd March 2014
English Third Division
Stevenage v. Newark
(Chalmers ’29)(Van der Voom ’22, Vasily ’88)
MoM – H. Van der Voom

And what a managerial decision by me – the Awesome One!

Van der Voom took his rare opportunity with both hands, first scoring then being the creator for the late goal. It was a match that could go both ways, and once again it was due to the fact that the teams within the league had started to get used to my type of attacking football.

The Eejit kind of semi- assisted the first goal, that being his shot being hit off the bar into his face and the ball just happened to land in-front of Van der Voom to score into the back of the net – but he said it was apart of his ‘master plan’ which I still doubt now.

The seven minutes between was an enjoyable back and forth which finished with a Shroot corner which was headed in by Lewis Chalmers.

Any relation?

And sadly that was it for most of the game in terms of actual opportunities that entertained me, but rather enfused me! Thankfully, my fuming powers got a hold of Van der Voom who lofted the ball forward for Vasily to score once more – his celebration, I might add, being a point towards Yermolai in the away stands which he accepted with a nod.


It was debut time for the man named Yohan Bestch, as otherwise it was the same team that had beaten Stevenage four days prior.

Wednesday 26th March 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. Northampton
(Van der Voom ’39 ’51)
MoM – H. Van der Voom

We had done it!

All we need was three points to qualify for the play-offs and we did, mainly thanks to Van der Voom – his instinct to charge on pass Jones from The Eejit’s nice forward pass allowed him to smack it straight into the back of the net. And it was like a replay of the same goal, except this time it was Wato’s ball!

From that the news made the home fans estatic!


We were on step closer to sealing the title, with another home game against Accrington to finish the end of one of the most pragmatic months I have yet in English football and in my managerial career. The offering to Accrington? Why the same team that had won the last two games!


Saturday 29th March 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. Accrington
MoM – Liam

A prime example of a borefest as Accrington’s negative football frustrated us to take a point, meaning they have earned 4 points from the two meetings we have had this season. To be fair, they did deserve the point when they countered they were actually threatening and tested Liam and co. for the majority but fortunately they couldn’t score and we held on till the end.

With next month being seemingly as hectic, I retired back home and decided to just reveal the entertainment of the British public, but was soon amazed after I turned onto the ITV news.


Reporter: I am standing outside of Wembly, were the emergence of the latest pop-star has shocked the music industry. I was able to speak to some of the audience members to try and understand what or who this new sensation is!

Soon a fat teenaged spot-face appeared on the screen, making me dread the fact I got a 3D television.

Spot-face: Well, it all happened so fast! Firstly, the band was disappointing and then Chris Brown cancelled due to his arrangement of his annual Rihanna ‘beat-up’ session – it looked like the whole concert was going down the toilet! Until it came out!

He said with a sense of disbelief, and soon the image I thought I would never see.


My piece of shit, not only somehow turned into a cartoon, but had become a more famous musician in a couple of weeks than I did for over two years!

Spot-face: Before it came out, it was a shit performance – and then it was a shit performance! He sang like there was corn stuck in the back of his throat – a great and original mastery voice! And then it became an open-top performance as shit went down in the audience, as the roof was torn off by a storm – a literall shit storm!

After that I decided to turn off the television and head off to bed.

Niko: Thank fuck there’s only two more months of the season – I need a vacation!

I said as I stumble up-stairs towards the haven that was my comfy bed. As soon, as I let the clutches of sleep entice me, all I could think was maybe next month would be better?

************************************************** **********************************************
English Third Division - Sunday 30th March 2014
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2013/14 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Pl Newark 40 16 3 1 39 10 10 7 3 31 16 88
2nd Pl Gillingham 40 13 5 2 35 14 10 6 4 24 15 80
3rd Preston 40 12 6 2 38 20 8 5 7 31 31 71
4th Plymouth 40 13 4 3 37 22 8 3 9 32 27 70
5th Torquay 40 14 3 3 43 24 6 4 10 32 39 67
6th Stevenage 40 13 2 5 47 32 6 8 6 30 34 67
7th Bristol Rovers 40 8 9 3 32 24 8 5 7 34 32 62
8th Southend 40 9 6 5 32 24 7 5 8 28 31 59
9th Rotherham 40 8 9 4 29 23 6 7 6 29 27 58
10th Accrington 40 7 8 5 34 30 8 4 8 36 38 57
11th Burton Albion 40 9 5 6 34 28 7 3 10 30 33 56
12th Yeovil 40 6 7 7 24 22 9 3 8 32 30 55
13th AFC Wimbledon 40 9 5 6 35 36 5 5 10 23 31 52
14th York 40 7 6 7 39 40 6 5 9 27 35 50
15th Aldershot 40 8 2 10 38 35 5 5 10 32 41 46
16th Chesterfield 40 8 4 7 32 30 4 6 11 34 44 46
17th Morecambe 40 9 3 7 31 28 3 7 11 24 36 46
18th Hartlepool 40 10 3 7 40 36 3 4 13 25 39 46
19th Exeter 40 4 6 10 23 34 8 4 8 42 44 46
20th Northampton 40 5 4 10 30 38 6 6 9 37 42 43
21st Rochdale 40 6 8 7 34 37 3 5 11 24 40 40
22nd Dag & Red 40 7 8 5 34 31 2 5 13 17 40 40
23rd Barnet 40 8 2 10 28 33 3 4 13 23 39 39
24th Fleetwood 40 9 1 11 41 46 2 3 14 20 45 37

03-05-14, 06:51 PM
3 goals in 3 matches, nice :)

03-05-14, 09:06 PM
Alright, writing the next chapter which will be the final one in the 'second journey' and will be split into two. The ending of it is more dramatic that you guys would probably think, and will come down to the football more than anything else. Instead of the post-season review like i did last time, it will be short and sweet, so i can start the next season faster and hopefully get that one over sooner then the others.

Now, there will be a difference in style of writing between this chapter and next seasons - to ensure that i can be able to write the chapters/updates faster and not to dwindle around for so long. Anyway hope to get the next part out TONIGHT and the other one either tonight also- or tomorrow/Monday. Post-season review will be up soon after and then i will play into the next season.

Hope you understand lol

03-05-14, 11:47 PM
The Second Journey
Chapter Nine:
Biting the Bullet

As my lump of shit seemed to be getting more famous every single day, the days coming past meant that soon I would have to deal with some shit. April was the month to end all months, which defined if we would be able to do the double or not – and as the pressure mounted so did the responsibility that I had to make sure that we MET the demands this season, and make some historic moments for the club.

With that defeat against Gillingham last month, it also meant that we needed to make sure we made NO mistakes between now and the final kick of the season against Dag and Red on the 4th of May.


With play-offs already certain, it meant at least we still had a chance to fall back on if we did fail – but yet again, that will not please me especially after leading the league for so much of the season!

To ensure that the likelihood of failure wasn’t large, I made one change – Zbimg for Van der Voom.

Saturday 5th April 2014
English Third Division
Yeovil v. Newark

The beginning was fast and straight Zbimg made my choice of him starting a good one as he nodded in 2 minutes in from a Hemphill low driven cross. It was that connection that kept the attacks free and ever-flowing, despite the amount of chances Yeovil tried to create.

The first half was our dominant period, and the second half, where Van der Voom came on for Vasily and playing in the center with Wato came Hemphill. Van der Voom’s presence was surely felt as second on he already tested the goalkeeper, only to be denied by an astonishing save!


Yeovil started to find their feet finally around the hour mark – but never threatened as much as manager Gary Johnson hoped, only contributing to the game by finishing The Eejit’s season with 14 minutes left on the clock. He had twisted his ankle with a collision with Woods, enforcing Hernandez to come on so Betsch could play as the defensive midfielder for the last moments of the game.


In his absence, the team started to fight back into the game for another goal, and it came as Wato layed off for the captain to find retribution for his fallen comrade and smacked in a goal with 10 minutes left.

He was afterwards awarded the Man of the Match award, which he deserved, showing his influence on the lads and his versatility to adapt to a role he hadn’t played before.

And with those three points we had hit another merit:


Now we promoted some of the fans hoped to see some of the ‘other’ players, but once again, promotion wasn’t the goal! So for the next I only made the change I had too:


Clayton came on for the man who would be missing for the last six games of the season, The Eejit, and he himself hadn’t been bad this season and could play that role for that period – I thought.

Saturday 12th April 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. Exeter

Attack, attack, attack!

They were the words of both sides as we both wanted to take the lead and the three points in the first half – but many of the shots were either wide or so God awful that the keepers only had to whistle and the wind would blew the ball away.

But that didn’t stop Pat Baldwin from heading in the ball into the back of the net from Gibbs freek-kick and shocking everyone in the stadium, especially as it seemed to be a routine save for Shepard!


Second half came, Zbimg off and Kowalinho on, hoping it would make a urgent reply to the goal – which it did, as Kowalinho’s presence allowed space for Henderson to run towards the goal as Betsch crossed it in and header in the equaliser!


After that, the team died down, but Exeter carried on looking – searching – for the second, which we seemed to be able to handle. But unfortunately their persistence earned them a glorious opportunity as Sercombe’s cross was delightfully nipped in by Parry.


Two defenders had scored against!

And to make matter worse, a counter attack sliced us up with Scot Bennet one-on-one with Shepard and stabbed us in the heart as he turned the Canadian and scored. Another defender.


What made it worse, was the fact that Gillingham took advantage of this and used it to fuel a 4-1 home thrashing of Northampton to cut the point deficit to only five points!

We were fully being tested as the next game came, on the eve of my 27th birthday, and Hemphill’s 20th, and in training the guys tried to ease my stubbornness with a birthday cake.


Which I promptly grabbed and chucked in the bin, angry I turned round to the lads ready to set them straight!

Niko: Tomorrow is not the time to start celebrating – we have nothing to celebrate! Wait till the end of the season for the celebrations, but that is only possible if you guys get your heads out of your asses and remember what we are actually doing here! We are not SOME football club, we are history makers! And, with a performance like that against Exeter, we won’t be making history for the right reasons – but for the wrong. We are building towards an empire, not just some unknown club! And, every single one of you needs to remember that!

I screamed at the lads, who stood in silence. Frustrated I stormed off to the cafeteria for lunch, in hope that maybe that speech would cause the right response for the Aldershot game.


I made changes with Van der Voom playing on the right wing, Hemphill replacing Vasily who was on the bench, hoping for the same result that occurred two weeks – I wanted to go into the Vans Trophy Final with a win in the back pocket!

Monday 14th April 2014
English Third Division
Aldershot v. Newark

But that wasn’t meant to be – or otherwise, this was an act of retribution by the lads for my outburst as we were stunned with the level that Aldershot stepped up to!

They matched us man for man, and with the experience of Glen Morris in goal, put enough pressure on our strikers to make them seem like lost dogs! And no matter how many chances we created, they were ready.

(Couldn't find one of Chris Hope, so i thought this was a suitable image - the smug look!)

Chris Hope had organised his men to hold on for the second half to then deliver what the home fans wanted – and they duly took it! But, one man went against that – Guy Madjo took the opportunity of our battered and confused defence to snatch his twentieth goal of the season.


And despite how many chances that Henderson, Zbimg or Wato attempted – nothing was good enough. Come the half-time whistle, I tried to pump as much enthusiasm out of the tired legs as I could – even taking Van der Voom off for O’Toibin so that Henderson went on the right and he could slot into the left did nothing!

And, for the second game running, we were forced to watch as Baz had to cut short his season and game – making me put on Hernandez, with also Kowalinho coming on, hoping for something to click, but instead….


…We were stopped by a stab in the back from fate, as defender Troy Brown sealed the three points for Aldershot – and another glorious opportunity for Gillingham to take another three points off the deficit.

I returned to the training ground bemused and scared for the next game against Portsmouth.


I spoke with my assistant….


I spoke with one of my head coaches…


I spoke to another one of my coaches, and they all told to do one thing.

I would have to bite the bullet as do something that I said I wouldn’t do.

I would have to play BobMem.


04-05-14, 12:34 PM
Ending :lol:

05-05-14, 08:51 AM
The Second Journey
Chapter Nine:
Biting the Bullet!

After taking on the task of actually taking everyone’s advice, I returned back to my office ready to call up the man who had been exiled for the past four months from the first team, ever since publicly announcing his future departure to Liverpool in the summer window.

But now, I had to call him up in hopes he wouldn’t be bitter and would be helpful to the merits of the football club – especially as anything won here, would also be on his CV, and it wouldn’t hurt to see two league titles, one cup and another cup final along with signing to a Premier League giant such as Liverpool.


After spending five minutes to rehearse possible sentences to say, I finally rang him up. He agreed to coming down to the training ground and to do a one-on-one meet up with me, personally, in the cafeteria for about an hour.

Soon the time went by, and with the plate of cold pizza it was time to get down to the business.


Niko: Right, let’s get straight to business here! I know we are not the greatest of pals, but right now I am stuck in a desperate situation where I need someone to come into the team and organise on the pitch. The Eejit is out. And no-one seems to be able to control the defence they you did earlier this season and last - If you help us out from now, it will add more value to yourself – when you can walk into Liverpool off a potential double!

He sat there as I spoke, knowing he had all the power, he finished his cold ham and pineapple slice of pizza, and started to sip away at his flat drink of Diet Coke. Tension starting to boil, my leg started jolting as he took even more time to do a simple action.

BobMem: Fine. As long as you don’t try anything!

He said simply, before getting up and leaving.

Niko: Right – but you have training in the evening! I want to make sure you are Roddy can still play with one another!

I shouted as he headed for the exit, I was simply acknowledged by a middle finger as the future Liverpool man nonchalantly just had established himself once more as a member of the Newark Athletic first eleven – and my stomach churned as I acknowledged it.


The dreadful day had finally arrived!

The goal of meeting in the final had finally come – and now, all we had to do was beat Portsmouth and it will be fully guaranteed!


This time around – I didn’t mess around with the team selection; I chose what most would call a ‘predictable’ team, well except BobMem who would partner up once more with Hoolihan which was a formidable alliance in the first half of the season – and I found it kind of suitable that it would commence once more for last couple of games!

Sunday 20th April 2014
English Vans Trophy Final
Portsmouth v. Newark

The atmosphere was tense as both teams walked out of the tunnel, myself and Lambert tried to remain calm and collected – but the atmosphere had built a large amount of hype for the game, and even the handshake between myself and Lambert at the start felt as if I was shaking the hand of God.


And Boom!

Off it went with the Pompey searching off the get go for the early goal, Whitehead going past the defenders like he was aiming for the World Cup Final goal! One-on-one with Shepard…


Saved and out for a corner.

The corner was taken quickly and we turned it round with a quick counter with Kowalinho one-on-one with Robert Green, and to have the same outcome – a corner.


Hemphill lined it up, and took a nice curling ball in, which met the head of O’Toibin but couldn’t have enough power to go into the back of the net.


Anxiously the Pompey faithful cheered on, wanting something to go in for them – but instead, it was the Red and White side that was screaming as another brilliant save from Robert Green denied Clayton from scoring what would have been the first goal!


Still annoyed by the acrobatics of Green, Clayton allowed his rage to take-over momentarily, making a rash challenge on Etl to see the first card of the game – a yellow luckily!

More time went on, and still there seemed no way for us to fault Green’s amazing performance, the fans could only watch as they thought they were getting another dish of reality handed to them.


But then, Hemphill’s corner fell wonderfully onto the head of Vasily – once more Green did another spectatular save, and with less than a minute left in the half, it seemed we were going to end it all level….




We had finally done!

We had broken the torrid string of amazing saves that Green had produced from thin air, to take the lead, and at the best time possible. As the lads finally got back into our half – the ref had already blown for the end of the half!


The half-time team talk suddenly had to be changed. As the lads caught their breath back, I started to improvise my speech.

Niko: That was a nice taster lads. A nice little showing of what we can do without even trying, and I am pleased – truly I am – I am pleased! But. Am I amazed? Nope. Am I in awe? Hell no. Do I feel like I am seeing a club that is fighting for a domestic double?
Really, they are? No, I do not! So, let’s stop being mean men! Stop being the cock-tease, and just slap that floppy sucker in their faces and piss all over their noses – because I know we can do better than that!

The room chuckled.

Niko: We are the club on the up! We don’t care about the little shits like they do – we only care about winning, women, and making history. So let’s go out there and win more, get ready to shag more – and less make some fucking history!

I screamed – and the lads screamed back, with something different than I hoped.

All: For the pussy!!

They all charged back onto the pitch, and even though it took a little longer – the chances kept coming!

Kowalinho with a nice improvised volley….


Side netting.

Hemphill with a nice header on…..


Gathered by Green.

It seemed that the chances were coming, but we couldn’t finish them! Walking back to the touchline as we gathered the ball in the centre of the pitch, I wanted to see if I had anything written down that would allow us to break into-


But then, all of a sudden a large roar exploded and I spun round. The images were clear as day….

http://www2.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/England+v+USA+Group+C+2010+FIFA+World+Cup+3nXcNbn2 Vycl.jpg




Running around the stadium faster than Usain Bolt, I chucked my blazer into the fans section, before being ushered back to the touchline by the officials, who gave me a stern telling off.


But I didn’t care, as the chances came knocking as Wato was 30 yards out, then passed it to Hemphill on the wing – and he set himself up, with all eyes on him….


The captain scored a goal so extraordinary that not even words could explain it. The curl. The power. The top right-corner. It was sublime, and we had done it! We had won! 0-3 with 11 minutes left, it seemed like we had done our job.

Agony came afterwards…


Hemphill was forced to come off after a serious knock after what seemed like a usual challenge. He had to be taken to the hospital – and Henderson had to come on for his cameo as around three minutes was left on the clock.

Portsmouth took the opportunity to score one back via Brian Howard, who scored his fifth goal of the season – but he didn’t celebrate as the game was already over, we had won the English Vans Trophy!

http://cache4.asset-cache.net/gc/1929361-bristol-city-goalscorers-lee-peacock-and-liam-gettyimages.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=OCUJ5gVf7YdJQI2Xhkc2QELdpTPDzJpJzXcruH06%2FR%2B2 eEWGnHuVDQPt7KAxwMMOzhSTjg%2BLgwD7vwZl0TxNGw%3D%3D

One medal wasn’t awarded out, and I would give it to Hemphill later on – as for mine I did what I thought I had to, I chucked it into the crowd for my wallet, car keys, house keys, mobile phone and the other important stuff I had left in my blazer when I chucked it into the crowd earlier.
After the game, the lads celebration was delayed after some news – Hemphill had twisted his knee and would be off injured for the rest of the season. What I decided was that the day after the Dag and Red match, we would celebrate, belatedly, my birthday, Frasers, Vans Trophy win and, hopefully, the league title together.


But it also meant that we could say goodbye to BobMem, and another favourite defender of mine, Roddy Hoolihan:


It seemed Kowalinho and BobMem wasn’t the only people to be contacted by Ama Peach, and she had ‘persuaded’ him to leave the club also. Being as I said I would let anyone go on two terms: 1. you would leave at the end of the season and 2. for the right price for the club. Despite wanting more, £1 million was the maximum I was able to get from Birmingham for Hoolihan – and so would leave at the end of the season with BobMem.


However, his last game wouldn’t be now as due to under-21 international games, Hoolihan, Baz, O’Toibin and BobMem all were away from selection, meaning Van der Voom, Liam, Hutchinson and Hernandez would be replacing them for the important game against Plymouth.

With our success in the Vans Trophy, it allowed Gillingham to cut the deficit completely down and still on top with a point advantage, but played one more game then us. It meant, also, that this could potentially come down to the last game of the season if both us and Gillingham won all our games – options which might actually occur!

So, let’s get this going.

Wednesday 23rd April 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. Plymouth

Carl Fletcher’s side had already been successful into the play-offs, with the eyes gleaming onto the third automatic promotion spot; it was certain this wasn’t going to be an easy game. And it certainly wasn’t as 16 minutes in Cowan-Hall headed into the back of the net for Plymouth.


We replied just shy of 3 minutes – Clayton assisting Betsch with his first goal for the club as making it all level again. But that didn’t last too long as Wato adding to his spectactular goal in the Vans Trophy Final with a wonder goal into the top corner – 2-1 with 26 minutes on the clock.


Guerreri made it level again, five minutes after, showing why having either Hoolihan/BobMem in defence was definitely needed – but thankfully not this game as in stoppage time, Henderson was able to sprint on through onto goal but was tackled badly by Margan and a penalty was awarded which he stepped up too and simply slotted into the back of the net to finished the half 3-2 in our favour.


The second half, the lads got a bollocking for the shit defensive, and Zbimg came on for Kowalinho – and out they came, and in went another goal as Wato scored his second – thanks from a nice cross from Van der Voom – and once again show his Lampard-esque quality to score from the heart of midfield.

The Similarities will always continue!

We weren’t done there!

Henderson add a fifth –and his second – with a terrific solo goal on 71 minutes meaning the final score was 5-2, and we were now tied top with Gillingham – but we ‘on-top’ due to a better goal difference. Wato took back the Man of the Match award for his terrific performance.


Onward for the next game and it was against York away – this time the lads who were off for the Under-21’s were back and Zbimg played to give Kowalinho a rest.

Saturday 26th April 2014
English Third Division
York v. Newark

It wasn’t the best of games to say the least – York took the first goal from John Smith’s nice goal from centre-midfeild with 21 minutes played, it took O’Toibin twenty-four minutes to reply, thanks to an another assist from Wato.


But, luckily, we were able to find the net once more! After two changes, Henderson off for Van der Voom, and Clayton for Liam – so that Betsch could take his place as DMC – Zbimg scored his 15th of the season with five minutes to go to seal the three points, and as Gillingham also won, meant we had to seal the deal on the final day of the season!

No changes made – and it seemed the best setting for some of the players. BobMem and Hoolihan had one last chance to say good by – as did Kowalinho, whose arranged transfer to his ‘big club’ happened, but maybe not the same team as he hoped…


It was the best chance to win the title in a dramatic fashion and it was the right weather for the game also, as the fans sang:


“When we were nothing there,
We fought to be alive,
Now we are over here,
Seeing with our eyes,

The Warriors, We’re Fearless!
The Warriors, We’re Fearless!

Going through the leagues,
Fighting for every game,
Scoring with ease,
Newark Athletics’ the name,

The Warriors, We’re Fearless!
The Warriors, We’re Fearless!”

Sunday 4th May 2014
English Third Division
Newark v. Dag & Red

With the brilliant atmosphere made by the support, the lads went out there with determination and huge smiles – wanting to end the season with the double!

And the chances just didn’t seemed to come as Dag & Red had chance after chance, and keeping hold onto the ball for as long as they could, hoping that could protect from the on-slaughter that Plymouth felt a few weeks ago!

Getting annoyed with what they were seeing, the fans started to let us hear what they wanted.


“We want the Double!
We want the Double!”

They chanted and clapping in between, putting more pressure on the away team which allowed Hernandez to nick it and advance with the support of Vasily, who then lobbed it forward for Zbimg!



Which of course prompted the now infamous chant as he ran over to them at the corner…


“We can’t say your name!
We can’t say your name!
Hey, yo, Lorenzo!
We can’t say your name!”

To say that the plebs on the SkySports team had dissed it, the fact that nearly 6000 people were chanting it with such passion was nice to see.

The end of the half was nice to see also, as Dag & Red just wouldn’t allow us any time on the ball.


Second half and Dag & Red went on the attack, which after 11 minutes earned them a goal as Woodall volleyed in the equaliser to score his twentieth of the season. Vasily then replied four minutes with the lead again, thanks to the awesome assist off Zbimg, who seemed to thrive from the support he was getting!


But guess what?

Boom! Another equlaiser as left winger Green equalised fifteen minutes later….


..which was cancelled out by a goal from the man of the moment Zbimg, who knocked in a nice heel from O’Toibin’s cross to give us the lead – which we were able to hold onto! And what a goal it was!


As the final whistle came, I was surrounded by the lads and chucked into the air!


As the celebrations began, the mantel was being built, I walked over to the fans – who in return started to sing my name.


“Niko Bergstrom!
We love you!
You killed Cowell,
And slept with half the town!
And Niko!
We still love you!”

Despite some of the stuff they sang, it was a nice sentiment to be loved by a club – for once – as the moment arrived to celebrate the fact – WE HAD WON THE THIRD DIVISION!!


Champagne went every where! But we didn’t care because at this moment, we had done the double – yes, not THEE double but A double at least!!

The bus around town was scheduled, as some of the lads we still drunk from the night before.


But it was only going to get worse as the stadium was soon turned into party central, where even the new marmalade God worshipper came!


Niko: Wouldn’t have thought you would have came? Since you follow a tube of marmalade now!

Theo: Of course I would! There is chicks here!

He said, the only thing I would hear from him all night. Soon I bumped into a happy Yermolai.

http://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Ken+Davitian+Opening+Night+Rain+Tribute+Beatles+ZF SXNG1uTwOl.jpg

Yermolai: Niko, you have done it! Congrats! We are getting one step closer to the Premier League, no? Keep up the massive work – and I wouldn’t have to kill you! Though, no disappearing next time.

Niko: Yeah, thanks – and hey, you got my name right!

Yermolai: Oh, I am sorry – congrats Nikolavski! I have been drinking since yesterday! Vodka!!

He screamed as vodka started to fall from the ceiling. The party started to die down as some people left around midnight, but I was soon able to push a large majority over to mine to continue!

There was one woman who I spent the whole night chatting to, though her face started to blurr with every passing drink – until a cartoon of a kitten with his poor over it’s cute face was shown in mind. And the next day, it felt like hell.


Looking over to my smashed window in my room, the sunlight burnt my retinas. Sleeping on my side, I turned onto my back and looked up to my ceiling which had a nice drawing of The Eejit with a Lynx can with a speech bubble of gibberish.

Niko: God – it’s going to be expensive to get that off the ceiling!

I said, as I groan was made out of nowhere next to me.

Niko: What? I slept with someone last night?

Oh God! Trailling through the memories I still had – I couldn’t remember who it was! Was it Sona? No. I hadn’t heard from here for weeks, months. No. It couldn’t be? Yermolai!

No, in second thoughts he went back home after the vodka was all gone.

Instead of guessing everyone I knew, I just pulled off the devout to shit my pants as to the identity.

http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk311/Bogus_1_2008/emily_ratajkowski_emily_ratajkowski_topless_seduct ive_photos_by_john_urbano_KgDXGJ9bsized_zps97c499f 2.jpg

Niko: Oh fuck!


05-05-14, 12:47 PM

Nooooooo...... :cry:

05-05-14, 06:24 PM
I dream of playing for Ipswich, and I get shitty Liverpool :(

Right you fucking losers, I'm off. Good job Nico had the sense to call me back in, else you bunch of amateurs never would have done the double. Liverpool 'til I die!!

Baron Zbimg
06-05-14, 01:02 PM
Zbimg coming back to life!! And what a nice chant! Great achievement winning the league Nikolavski!

06-05-14, 10:58 PM
Oh, btw guys because it's going to be a different format next season - expect a very LARGE and DETAILED final chapter of the season to connecting over-joining story-lines and other things soon. Basically the answers that hadn't been answered about Niko, reflecting on some key moments in his personal life in the last two years and a LARGE nod to the ORIGINAL ending that was going to be for TEJ - which will also continue into the next season - as well as the future of the story.

Basically, all story - non-football related, but hopefully something to get excited about. Also, short post-review of the season by Niko, next seasons kits to be posted some point in the week. Alot to do for the next couple of days - finally the Snake venom is running through for the first time in a long time.


06-05-14, 11:09 PM
Will be some stories about ours journey at liverpool or Ipswich?

06-05-14, 11:49 PM
Will be some stories about ours journey at liverpool or Ipswich?

All the players careers post-Newark will be updated from season-to-season via something like Wato's AYTN. But i also hope that at some point i will be able to tempt some of the players back when the club is at a 'good' stage to bring them back.

EDIT: It will still follow Niko, but to make the posts come out quicker, i am doing a more simple format to write. I mean FFS, it's nearly been two years since i started this story and we are only onto the ending of the second season lol

08-05-14, 11:47 AM
I hope thst they handed out a few extra cup medals. Wouldn't like to miss out just because I have a glass ankle. That was some assist off my face too !

Glad you've rediscovered your form. Can't wait for the next update

10-05-14, 12:30 PM
The next update has been delayed for a few fays, decided to go home for the weekend

12-05-14, 01:42 AM
The Dreaded Interview

After the diabolic news that I had just cheated on my kind-of girlfriend, with a current – though future former – co-worker’s dream girl put me in a sense of astonishment. After awaking, I basically throw on any clothes in proximity and ran downstairs. The state of the house matched the kind of emotions that invoked inside my mind.


As I paced up and down between the bottom of the stairs and the entrance of the kitchen – I started to panic on what I should do next!

Do I tell Kowalinho?

Or do I not?

Do I tell Sona?

Do I not?

Did we actually do anything sexual?

As the thought scrammed into my fast-tempo track of thought, I dreaded the mixture of alcoholic beverages that now lay dormant in my bladder that had blanked my memories of the last couple of hours.

Niko: For fucksake!

I screamed out, hoping that an answer would fly into my face. But, instead I saw the image of Ama Peach slowly coming closer, as she stepped down the stairs with no sense of guilt or tribulation.


Ama: Nice to see you awake!

She said to me in a normal tone – like nothing happened. But, in least of the matter – it didn’t put my panicking thoughts at ease. Picking up on my mood, Ama said we should go and grabbed something to eat – and talk about what happened (if only I knew what!).

Obliging her, we went to the local McDonald’s for a rare meal. I couldn’t eat, the remorse sat deep into my stomach and wouldn’t allow me to enjoy anything.

http://lh5.ggpht.com/0NCXYiJOMO8d_DPgcAQCFBKizlsBUwMtL1v6lbbiq0i8j92y9N jwFn7QLOC3Sa_8VlpPE8GzQWJSCSo=s320

But as I watched Ama take a bite into her burger, it didn’t help seeing that even a minimal task like that made her look sexy!


Niko: Oh God forbid!

I screamed at her, alerting most of the other hapless people in the establishment.

Ama: For Godsake! Will you calm down!

She said, mumbling and hiding her face from the on-looking public – but that was the least of my worries.

Niko: Well I am sorry! I am someone who does feel guilt and remorse after betraying a friend and colleague!

Ama: God! You say that as if it was your first time! Kacper’s leaving anyway – so no worries.

She said taking another bit out of the burger, seductive as ever – as my phone started to vibrate. All I could do was hope it wasn’t Kowalinho who was ringing me right now.


I picked it up and answered without checking the caller-ID.

Niko: H..hello?

I said stumbling on my words, as Ama sighed in reaction.

Caller: Mr Bergstrom – it is Chief Officer Michaels, remember me? We spoke about arranging an informal interview about your disappearance a couple of weeks back?

Niko: Oh yes, nice to hear from you.

Michaels: I doubt it – you said that you would be open to a discussion after the formal ending of the football season, is that still correct?

Niko: Indeed it is.

Michaels: Good, then I will see you at your former occupancy, the apartment you were living in last year. I will expect to see you there in half an hour. Please come as urgently as you can.

Niko: I will try as soon as I can.

I said, not wanting to go, but it could give me time off from this whole mess that I had got myself in. As I put my phone back into my pocket, Ama looked up at me.

Ama: Guessing we will have to rearrange the chat then?

I nodded back, before grabbing my car keys and wallet – just wanting to get away from this awkward and awful situation.


I arrived just shy of twenty minutes since leaving the McDonald’s, the weather was predictably awful as I made my way up the stairs to the former place I called home. But as I entered the flat, which was let opened; I was shocked with the state that it was in – completely different then the state I had left it as.


As I walked around the musky and apparent abandoned flat – I tried to remember how it all looked like when I was living here.

Michaels: It’s in a bad state, isn’t Mr Bergstrom? You could say – unlivable.

Said a thick voice from the shadows – the same voice that I had spoken to one phone – I turned towards the location of the questioning voice, still shocked at its appearance and confused as to why he asked me to specifically come here.

Niko: Yeah, I guess the place was turned around in since I left!

I replied, walking further into the apartment until I saw a fixated chair in the center of the room under a dwindling light that swing side to side.


Michaels: Please take a seat Mr Bergstrom, I have a lot of questions for you to answer.

I complied with his request, feeling the weak structure of the rooting chair as it tried to support my weight. As soon as I sat down, Michaels walked from behind me into the light – finally revealing his face.


The man was younger then I could have imagined, an athletic build with a rather youthful – and some sissies might described as ‘handsome’ features. Brushing his hand across the dusty surface, he started his investigation.

Michaels: So, Niko – if that is alright I call you that, right?

I nodded back as he walked across the line of the light the still lightbulb was showing.

Michaels: So, you said you were leaving here in your first year since coming into the country – county and town – right?

I nodded was once again, as he stopped, tapping his finger against his chin.

Michaels: Yet, no-one has either bought or rented this place out for years, yet you say YOU lived here?

Niko: I did.

Michaels: But there is not a single piece of documentation in our systems you did, and the neighbours and other occupancies say they haven’t seen you around here. So, how can you live here without any kind of proof? Look at the state of this place! How can someone live here? And that is what you are telling me?

Niko: I am telling you! I lived here from the moment I was interviewed for the Newark Athletic vacancy to the point in January were we ontop of the Conference! With the funds I was paid due to the exceptional work, I was able to buy the house I was living in previously!

Michaels: Okay then, let’s say you did – have you ever brought any women here? You are meant to be quite a ‘ladies man’, if I may say so.

Niko: Indeed there was – my former fiancée use to spend nights here before we moved in together.

Michaels: You're Mrs Babe Cummings, correct?

Niko: Yes.

Michaels: Strangely – she has denied any such relationship! She said that you were infatuated with her and stalked her – she said that you two never really ‘lived together’.

Niko: Well she was lying!

Michaels: And what about this Shepard person?

Niko: That snake stole her away from me!

Michaels: You mean her partner, right? Her partner for the last five years?

Shocked by his accusations I stood up.

Niko: What are you trying to say? That I made the whole thing up! That the turmoil I went through was utter bullshit!

Michaels: What I am simply implying Mr Bergstrom is that maybe not everything you have perceived in the last two years are always correct!

Holding back the urge to attack this cheeky bastard, I slammed back down on the seat.

Niko: What else are you going to say then, huh? That I am not the manager of Newark Athletic? That Newark Athletic doesn’t exist? That I am another homeless slob chanting bullshit!

Michaels: No, I am trying to connect how what she says seems to have evidence – facts – where you are spouting COUNTLESS allegations without a single thing to back you up!

Angered once more I stood up and stared down at him.

Niko: And what the hell does that got to do with me being kidnapped?

Michaels: Because I think that is something, yet again, you have perceived as something else – delusions – that you needed to relieve stress!

Niko: Ha! Good one- I read what they wrote! You found herbal narcotic mixtures! A sleeper agent!

Michaels: Yes – created by substances found inside your house.

Niko: What bollocks! I was kidnapped by a Queen of the Forest at Tim Sheerwood Forest! I was able to escape, and I arrived back to Newark without any hope from police!

Michaels: Or so you believe. The substance traces we found came back as a hallucinogenic – a powerful legal drug that you created from your background with governmental work. Work which has rendered you as psychotic, paranoid and a violent nature individual!

Niko: What!

I said, before charging towards him – only stopping as I heard a cracking sound of a foot from behind in the shadows.

Niko: Brought goonies huh?

I said, listening and getting an awareness despite the darkness. There was 3…. No, there was 4. He knew he wasn’t safe.

Niko: Call them off, or I’ll kill you right now!

Michaels: Call who off Niko? There is no-one here!

I turned and grabbed the lightbulb shining it into the background.


There was no-one.

Michaels: Niko, you are not stable.

Niko: No. What about Theodore Eejit! He’ll back me up!

Michaels: Mr Eejit says he hasn’t seen or heard from you in years – the only information he heard about was your sudden appearance from The Sun, in which he even doubted was real!

Niko: There was a woman…. Sona!

Michaels: You mean Soña?

Niko: Yes, her! She will back everything up, she helped rescue me!

Michaels: Mr Bergstrom – there is no such woman called Soña in Newark.

I then had a sudden moment of realisation – what if? What if everything that this man was saying was correct?

Soña – could she be another woman I idealised.

Niko: Is it alright if I go for a cigarette on the balcony – if there is one.

He nodded and I retreated outside with a menthol fag in hand, looking towards the cloudy sky.


Niko: Could this be true, could this all be a fake trip? Is this moment right now real?

I questioned as I lit the cigarette and hit my head against the crackling white paint of the cement.

Soña: You know this is not something you can fight, right?

I heard a voice from aside me.


Soña: Why do you think I am here? I was a hero in your moment of need – despite the fact you are perfectly able to save yourself! You know when you are really been kidnapped – you have to take down an army full of people! Simon Cowell – that was real – a random woman in a woodland area that wanted you for sex? Yeah, I doubt even a Porno would use that cheap shit!

Niko: But why? What has happened to me to make me so delusional?

Soña: Four simple words Niko, just four simple words….

She said as she caressed me, as those words came to my forefront.

Niko: (whispering) Let…. This…. River… Flow….

I closed my eyes, and suddenly I remembered something back in Belgium from years ago – sentences that once tormented me.

“As the future unfolds, the plan shall continue: and the story will be told. And then, we'll Let This River Flow!”
As then suddenly I was transported back into my old home in Belgium.


As I looked around, every detail was there. Everything was the same – then a phone started to ring.

Niko: I remember what happened next….

I said as a shadow of me emerged out and walked over to the phone.

Niko: That same day I heard those voices – I had a phone call from a random guy: an operative of Phetrovology.

And soon I remember what he prophesied.

Niko: “As the rain falls, change shall come. As the tide grows strong, he will return home. Alone he had started, through pain he grows! And through his experience he will be unstoppable, and he'll Let This River Flow!”

Then the last thing he said, before I hunted down into Eejit’s place and found the videos of my deceased dad.

Niko: “The day upon the horizon, among them he shall be. His heart full, united are we!”

Then one image struck me, one video showed a female that was the perfect soldier. A video tape that had become etched into my subconscious and now played out in front of me as I opened my eyes.

http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk311/Bogus_1_2008/inna_inna_with_dino_gfdhg_PV1SUPWsized_zps743fe790 .jpg

The woman I saw on that tape was ‘Soña’ – the perfect soldier was the woman I was ‘sleeping’ with. I then remembered what ‘Soña’ meant in Spanish…

Niko: Dream….

I throw might soggy cigarette over the railing and proceeded back into the flat with the awaiting Michaels.


Niko: It’s all about Phetrovology. Once again it seems that everything that I have been through has something to do with them.

Michaels: We thought so too….

Niko: So what now? Are you going to lock me up and throw away the key? Are you getting me on meds? Shoot me?

Michaels: No Mr Bergstrom – we are going to hire you….

He said, walking towards the door.

Michaels: …to finally bring down Phetrovology and ‘Him’.

But just as he was about to leave I decided to warn him about something.

Niko: That woman I was on about exists – she is a super female solider, created genetically to be unstoppable. We need to find her first – she is the most important person to stop.

Michaels: A genetic killing machine? Now, that sounds like someone I have just hired…

He said with a smirk etched on his face.

As so, as the rain falls – a change had come – and as the tide of the Trent started to push onto the bounds of the bridge, I returned home. Alone. Reflecting on all the mess that had occurred – all that was fake, all that was real – all I could remember was the growing sensation of pain.

But that pain grew into rage, anger – all fuelled at the people that had seemed to have ruled my life thus far. And I will be unstoppable to bring them down. And I WILL let the River flow – to cleanse the world of the scum that was Phetrovology.

After breaking down the mental track that was Realisation that maybe my perception of my life was ‘fake’. After some enquiries, though being less blunt – some details were true: I and Babe were never anything.

Tim Sheerwood was a coach at Tottenham – but never lived in a forest.

But the one that had changed everything.

http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk311/Bogus_1_2008/emily_ratajkowski_nasty_gal__yQpAIS4rsized_zps091a 69bd.jpg

The relationship with me and Ama was more real than I hoped. Some of the ‘encounters’ with Soña was really with her! Of course I broke off the relationship, but still it left me with a sickening lump in the back of my throat.

The time between now and the next season couldn’t come at the best – and worse – time. All I heard from Michaels was that he was ready to arrange a ‘gang’ of experts in the field to help with the investigation – the lead expert being myself.

Finally, I will be able to end this chapter of my life. Finally, I could end this ‘Phetrovology’ bullshit!

12-05-14, 02:36 AM
Post-Season Review!
With Yermolai Relikovic!

As the season comes to an end, it is time for the post-season review, and after another highly successful season, we will be talking to the man who was key to the success!

Though, due to medical reasons according to local doctors being ‘stress’ and psychological effects of his kidnapping, we are not able to interview the Football Manager himself – instead we will be speaking to the Owner/Chairman of Newark Athletic Football Club, Yermolai Relikovic!

http://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Ken+Davitian+Opening+Night+Rain+Tribute+Beatles+ZF SXNG1uTwOl.jpg

Yermolai: In every season I aim for Newark to reach the ambitions that I have for this club, I want to gain something to celebrate for every year, minor or major! Nikolavski has done more than exceed that year after year as manager – but after-all it is a team sport!

After that, it was time to announce the Chairman’s Awards for the Season, though it is a less detailed collection of awards/reviews – hope it’s satisfaction to the fans to what the Owner thainks of his players.

Player of the Season
Niko’s Last Year Choice: Lorenzo Zbimg
Yermolai’s Choice: Kowalinho

Yermolai: Despite leaving for Ipswich, Kowalinho will be memorable for his effort this season to help the club’s historic double. Though he has left, and Niko’s is more than able to find a suitable replacement, his absence will shortly be felt.

Young Player of the Season
Niko’s Last Year Choice: Kowalinho
Yermolai’s Choice: Mark Henderson

Yermolai: Markus has improved impressively this season, and deserves to be the Young Player of the Season. He has made a positive impression – and hope he holds onto that into the next season!

Worst Player of the Year
Niko’s Last Year Choice: Terrance Zannit
Yermolai: N/A

Yermolai: Why would you have such an negative award? Do you like hurting others? You sick freaks! I should fire you out of a cannon into a tank of sharks. You deserve to die for that suggestion! But, luckily I am in a happy mood and will let that stride…

Most Improved Player:
Yermolai Choice: Artur Vasily

Yermolai: A personal favourite of mone! Artur – a good Russian name, I might add! – has found good form with Wato this season in midfield. Next year I expect the same!

Most Crucial Player (other than Player of the Year) of the Year:
Yermolai Choice: The Eejit

Yermolai: The Scottish Lynx model and party starter has made the DMC role his own this season – helping the team in his own way and style! And has remained loyal throughout when others hasn’t.


When asked for an overall of the season and expectations for the future/next season, it was clear from Yermolai what he thought:

‘We have had an exceptional year and I cannot wait for another year of football! We have seen legends written, thanks to Newark and I hope we can continue that with the success.’

‘Next season I want to continue a good successful stroll – whilst being realistic. In the long haul, I don’t want Newark to be a buying club but a world class producer. Nikolavski will have time, but in the end I know where we should be in the future – he knows what I want! So we have a limited time to reach it, as well as making a dynasty.’

Luckily, we have able to gather Niko’s personal choices on his awards for the season – as well as Lorenzo Zbimg being named Fans Player of the Year for the second year running!


Niko's Choices
Player of the Year: Eddy Wato
Young Player of the Season: Mark Henderson
Worst Player of the Season: John Wood
Most Improved Player: Mark Henderson
Most Crucial Player of the Season: Diarmuid O’Toibin


‘The last full season with the original team – it shows how power and greed can break down a winning formula! But, I am truly thankful for all the efforts the players have put in for next season – and things are going to be bigger next year! Better? We will see and find out!’

Third Division Team of the Year

On behalf of Niko, Yermolai and everyone else at the club we want to congratulate Fraser Hemphill, Roddy Hoolihan and Shepard for their selection within the divisions Team of the Year:


Though Bergstrom has called for a recount saying his whole team could have been in the eleven, which has been denied by the league.

12-05-14, 02:40 AM
Boom, Second Season completely finished!


12-05-14, 09:39 AM
ZanSnake (aka Nico Bergstrom) on hallucinogenics shocker !

Looking forward to see how you unravel the whole Phetrology saga and finding out what was real and what was a figment of your imagination :-). Delighted to put my award on the mantlepiece along side the Lynx male model of the year awaqrd and the marmalade council of great Britain man of the year award.

12-05-14, 01:38 PM
Ama: God! You say that as if it was your first time! Kacper’s leaving anyway – so no worries.

That :censored:

Baron Zbimg
12-05-14, 05:25 PM
Thank you Fans !!!!

13-05-14, 12:54 AM


Newark Athletic shows New Kit and New Shirt Manufactuer!

Date Updated: 3rd June 2014

New English Second Division side Newark Athletic have today revealed the new kits for the next TWO years – as well as a change in shirt manufactuer after the club and former partnered Do You Football agreed to mutually cancelled their contract to one another.


Board of Director Yasha Chekov said: “Due to the clubs recent influx of success and reputation, Do You Football and the club couldn’t agree a new contract on the pricing of manufacturing the shirts- which ended sadly in both parties dissolving the two year relationship.”

For the past two years, the clubs shirt has been a one-season a piece for the design – going from a ‘Red and White’ scheme to a ‘Red and Gold with White’ which the club now has followed on with. But fortunately, the club was able to find a new partnership with German sports wear marketers Adidas, agreeing a three year contract depending on the success of the club in future seasons.

The First Home Kit made under the Adidas label

“We are proud that such a large cooperation was interested in helping us resolve the issue we faced – and agreed that instead of prolonging costs with a contingent of a season-by-season design, offered that the first two seasons will be the same shirt and with a possible final based up the clubs performances in those seasons.”

The shirt itself was based the initial designs made by Do You Football plus some ‘traditional,’ or though unorthodox, Adidas designs. White stripes are inclined on the arms, but trails of gold break at the sleeve of both the shirt and shorts. On the socks, the returned star comes back from the first season – with a gold tint with the Adidas logo. In the heart of the shirt though, are three golden stripes that are made under the club logo, the company’s logo and the new sponsored game from EA Games – another sponsorship that was renewed for the next two years, again based upon future successes and the impact the promotion has.

The game in questioned is a future release called ‘Sword of Almat’, an action role-playing game that follows the quest of finding the ‘ultimate’ sword of myth and legend Almat – that has said to have killed the legendary serpent of the land of Zanasia. Though still in the final development stages, EA has created a lot of ‘buzz’ for the game, with many calling it a possible new IP that could follow the success of BioWare and EA produced Mass Effect series.

“We are pleased with the amount of expectation, especially as we are a small group of creaters,” said game developer of ‘SoA’ ZanSnake Games founder Troy Maker. “As a developing company started from the East Midlands, it seems like the perfect marketing tool to help bring a local interest in our work – and bringing in national attention depending on the club’s fortunes.”

Simple Black and White away Kit

For the away kit, Adidas has seemed to have followed the foundation of the first away kit design made. The simplicity is clear to be seen, but with an acknowledgement of the primary Red and White colours associated towards the club as stripes are ‘scratched’ into the rib-cages.

Yasha believes that the new designs by the company could prove to be beneficial by the clubs stance on a two-year period till the next kit.

“I like to think that this club has a better understanding with their fans then others, and won’t harm the wants and needs in order to gain financial benefit. Our ticket prices haven’t increased over 3% percent, despite winning a domestic double. We help arrange buses to away games, which we are even thinking about improving greater in the future. We know the fans don’t want to spend money every season in order to represent their club! They come to games and sing their hearts out – and wear the shirts to add to that! So why should they have to be forced to buy a new home, or away kit every year just so the club could have some more money in their back-pocket?”

Yasha even acknowledge the back of Yermolai, “Yes we have a benefactor – but so what! The money that will be spent is money earned from the accomplishments that the club has made from the team –not all from Yermolai! He brought in a great foundation for this club – and now, we have to try and build onto that!”

13-05-14, 01:37 AM

Start of the third season!

Will be not until at least weekend for the first update, time isn't exactly easy to come to in recent timing. Will start to play the season too, with the first to corresponding writing on at the same time ;)

13-05-14, 08:23 AM
Red'n'Yellah stripes at home and black away. Couldn't have picked a better strip. Well nearly


13-05-14, 09:03 PM
Red'n'Yellah stripes at home and black away. Couldn't have picked a better strip. Well nearly


It's actually gold :dance:

14-05-14, 09:54 AM
It's actually gold :dance:

What ever you think. (I know the truth and deep down you are a secret Jags fan)

15-05-14, 08:50 PM
The Set-up to the Third Act…

The weeks after the end of the season was a mixed bag for me – after the whole ordeal with the Michaels/Phetrovology dealing, I still had to remain incognito to be able to be fixated onto the task of the new season.

Luckily, there was enough time for myself to earn a little rest before trying to gather up for the new season. I was able to spend a couple of weeks for relaxation on a Spanish beach.


But despite the indulgence of the topless women, I was still focused on the task of replacing the stars that had left for ‘bigger’ and definite ‘greener’ postures. I sat on the beach in my speedo’s, looking towards the sun with my sunglasses – pondering on how much do I actually change for the season?

Tactically, I wanted to add more options for other tactics. For the past year, we were either a 4-4-2 kind of formation or a -4-1-2-2-1, which had worked. But, as I sat there in the shade of the tress behind, I knew I wanted to win more!

One new tactic was a 5-3-2 formation. With three men at the back to help stabilize a defence that will most likely be lacklustre without BobMem and Hoolihan as options as the full-backs attack. The two central midfielders would protect as well as produce as the attacking midfielder would be the third option in attack with the two strikers. In theory, I thought it could help when injuries, out of form or even a better side came into the equasion.


I also wanted to add some more defensive work, with the defensive midfeilders in the same kind of tactic. Instead of play full-back we would allow on actual wingers, leading a rather narrow attack. But with not one but two DMC’s it would allow the perfect protection for the 3 man defence.


And, with the tactic of last season, I wanted to add another one but with more of a dynamic. Two DMC’s replacing the extra center midfielder – as one goes further up. A 4-2-3-1 formation that I thought could help us in the dying minutes of a Cup game. Again, another possible – and viable- option.


And as soon as I returned it time to find the pieces of the puzzle to slot into the missing pieces. First off, we had earned around £4.2 million from the sales – adding in another couple of million for TV Rights and rewards money – it meant I could have quite a little bit to spend, by still following Yermolai’s rules that I couldn’t spend more money than earned from sales to fund transfers.


Luckily, the total amount I would spend over the course of this pre-season and last season reached only £3 million out of the £4 million earned.

Date Player Out To Fee
4.6.02 Hannu Sulonen Portsmouth £500K
15.12.02 Lewin Nyatanga Hércules £250K
24.12.02 Radoslaw Majewski Blackpool £475K
28.2.03 Pim Balkestein AZ £150K
7.3.03 John Wood Leeds £500K
14.3.03 Lee Collins Bury £90K
26.5.03 Nicky Osbourne Released Free
3.6.03 Roddy Hoolihan Birmingham £1M
3.6.03 Kowalinho Ipswich £1.7M
10.6.03 Drew Talbot Free Transfer Free
12.6.03 BobMem Liverpool £95k
15.6.03 Terrance Zannit Sheff Utd Exch

Though I still felt cheated with the low amount of BobMem’s transfer to Liverpool, I used some of my connections to gather in some decent looking players!


Ryan Jarvis was the main transfer coming in, one of two strikers coming in to replace the Kowalinho shaped whole, and cost around £900k. But with his goal record it seemed it might be a shot worth taking, scoring over 77 goals in 100 games in the last two seasons for Torquay, 30 and 47 goals respectively scored in the last two campaigns in the Third Division.

The second striker was the experienced Frenchman Kevin Dupuis on a bosman move from Kortrijk. Despite not being as prolific, he’s exceptional talent allowed to add a further dimension to the team.


With other additions such as defenders Conor McLaughlin from Fleetwood for £120k, Johnny Mullins from Peterborough for £65k - midfielders such as DMC Shane Robinson from FC Haka for £90k, Billy Knott from Sunderland for £875k, Alex Nicholls on bosman from Northampton, Billy Clifford on free after his release from Chelsea and the part-exchange plus £18k for Matty Harriot from Sheffield United (Zannit going the other way), we had started to mould the team around the chosen formations – adding more depth to each choice.


We added more youth to the ranks – with Yermolai insistent that he wanted more players to come from the Academy for future seasons – we then had a single game against Blackpool before the start of the season.


The taster was kind of ruined by Shepard getting sent off despite both Hemphill and Wato scoring in the first half. His poor performance demoted the result, as Blackpool was able to score two back and take away the impression I wanted to leave on the homes fan as the start of the season was nearly upon us.

15-05-14, 09:27 PM
£95k!! For a friggin' superstar like me?! Those scousers really are thieving bastards :)

15-05-14, 11:34 PM
The Start….

Before the ball was kicked to start off our third ever season, I had a meet up with a person that Michaels had recommend to help sort the whole ‘real or fake’ deal, with whom he said would help me as he was a ‘specialist’.

Meeting at the disclosed place, I began to feel wary from the start…


Of all places – why would we meet at a Starbucks?

Before I could question, I saw the man I was meant to meet.


An actor? What the hell!

Niko: I am guessing you’re the man I am meant to meet? Mr. Di Caprio!

But as he came towards the table, he broke down crying.

Leonardo: WHY CAN’T I WIN AN OSCAR??!?!

He screamed as tears flew out of his eyes.

Niko: Please be not real! Please be NOT real!

But a voice behind me reassured me that it wasn’t not real – but was really real.

Voice: Don't mind him, Mr Bergstrom. He got snubbed again for the award - again.

As I turned round, I knew why this particular person was chosen.


Nolan: Now, let’s get down to business – I have to try and write a dark trilogy remake of Back to the Future.
Niko: Right, so how can you help me?
Nolan: Well, Mr Bergstrom, your mind is a complex one – where you’re dreams, fantasies and basically any random thought, is shown before your eyes mixing within this realm. It begs you to question – what is real?
Niko: Enough with the Matrix shit! Michaels said you had some amazing technological device in which it can tell me if what I perceive is real is fake, and etc.
Nolan: Farley well. Here you go!

He said passing over the ‘device’.


Niko: It’s a fucking Yoyo!
Leonardo: That light’s up!
Niko: Wow! Guess that is the technological break-through of the century right there! A fucking toy with LED lights in it!

As I made my objections, another person joined in.


Michaels: What you don’t understand Niko is that this will slice through the waves of your inner-perspective to alert you what is real – and what’s not!
Niko: With a light show on a bit of plastic?
Nolan: Yes! If it lights up continuously when you play with it means you’re dreaming, but if it lights then delays and then lights up again – it means you’re in real life!
Niko: Why fucking stupid things like this? Just so you can go to black screen as it lights, giving it enough time just before the delay so the audience won’t know if it was a dream or reality? Or wait; is it complexity for the sake of simplicity? Making the most out of something, seemingly, redundant only to give it meaning!

I sat in silence waiting for a response.

Leonardo: My head hurts – I will sign up to do the movie! Maybe then I will win an Oscar!

Silence once again.

Nolan: Well I have some dark and complex time-travelling drama to write, so we will go!

Whistling, Leonardo followed Nolan like a dog leaving only myself and Michaels – allowing some time to talk about the plan to get the super-soldier woman.

Niko: So you have any leads?
Michaels: We have possible sightings, but we want to create a team for that.
Niko: Any ideas of whom so far?
Michaels: We have some, but most importantly, we want suggestions from you, Niko?
Niko: I can choose some people?
Michaels: Yes, from anyone you can think of – we will try and get them, recruit them and they will work in close proximity with us in gathering information and help bring her and them down!
Niko: Anyone… huh….

As I pondered my mind, only few words stood out, “anyone you can think of”, “try and get them” and “work in close proximity of us” – with the last six words making the biggest impact, one person came to mind.

http://www.urbansplatter.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Kesha+Calzedonia+Summer+Show+Forever+Together+px6o 46IO55Vl.jpg

Niko: Kesha!
Michaels: Kesha? You mean that pop singer? Why would we need her?
Niko: Why not?
Michaels: When I said anyone, I meant someone who helped you attack them in the first place! Not literally anyone!
Niko: Too late! I said I want her…. On the team, so you have to go by my recommendation – as the specialist!
Michaels: Seriously?
Niko: Yep!

Sighing, Michaels got up from his chair and looked like he was heading to the door before replying.

Michaels: Alright, we will see what we can do. See you in the next allocated time for the update – good luck with the whole football thing.

He said leaving me in a giddy state! Finally I would have the ample opportunity to shag work with Kesha!

Skipping back home, I was ready for the new season!


And so was the lads!

Starting off the season with a hot tested game against Leyton Orient, we were able to start the season with a 3-2, thanks to a superb performance from number one striker Lorenzo Zbimg, who scored twice after Billy Clifford scored on his debut. With the second game being a disappointing 1-2 defeat against Brighton (Zbimg the scorer), we bounced back with a terrific 5-1 thrashing against Barnsley!


We ended the first half with only Clifford’s goal on 11 minutes, roaring out in the second half with a change of tactic, scoring four goals in 45 and conceding one. Both fullbacks Moxey and McLaughlin scored, with centre-half Jose Hernandez joining them – Clifford finishing off a superb performance with his second with 9 minutes left on the clock.

The result over-shadowed Shepard’s intention to leave after Hoolihan’s move – to which I decided to drop him to the bench, allowing Aitkens a chance to shine after impressing in his performances of last season.

Ross’s Chance to Shine after Shepard’s ambition to leave!

He repaid with a terrific performance as we won 3-0 at home (Hemphill, Wato and Zbimg) and again with a 2-1 away result – though it was only decided after Hemphill’s goal as Zbimg’s shot was turned in by defender Jordan Clarke for an own goal! But, our second defeat of the season with a 0-2 defeat to Scunthorpe away.

We responded with a terrific winning streak, including: a 4-2 win over Carlisle at home (Wato brace, Liam, Harriot), a 1-0 away win over Brentford (Liam) and a staggeringly close 6-4 result against Colchester with both Wato and Zbimg grabbing a brace each, Harriot scoring his second and substitute Van der Voom finishing the rout! Making the table look like this after 8 games:


However I was shocked after a sudden announcement from our top goal-scorer Lorenzo Zbimg! After winning two Fans Player of the Year, the club’s highest goal scorer gave me two sentences I didn’t want to hear as we marched into the next game in the League Cup – one of the four targets I was set with by Yermolai (win the league, win the League Cup, Retain Vans Trophy, Quarter Finals of FA Cup).


Saying no, I was left with a decision which meant a change to the 3-5-2 tactic allowing myself to see which striker would be the better striker in case an ‘irresistible’ offer came in. Kevin was the chosen in the partnership!

But other transfer news came in, despite trying to not gather their attention – Millwall, who had bidded for nearly every single player, finally reached the Mininum Fee Release of £1.5 million of O’Toibin’s contract – luckily I was able to press a further £400k out of them to make it really £1.9 million.

Leaving after a poor start of the season, I was able to bring in what I think I needed which was an experienced goal-keeper – seeing as Shepard became even more dependant on leaving the club – that man?


Former Cardiff City man and Scottish International goal-keeper David Marshall for £1.1 million. Giving us a proper player with Premier League experience, I had hoped he would stop the untested defenders a chance to keep some more clean sheets – and with his debut being in the League Cup, I had a lot of expectation – for both the striker and the goalkeeper.


A very impressive game occurred with seven goals scored altogether – luckily we were able to be the team with 4! And I was impressed by one man – and that wasn’t a striker but rather the captain!

Hemphill, playing behind the two strikers, relished the balls being fed by him from Clifford and for all three chances he got on goal – all of them went in! Wato scored earlier in the game to give the lead – but it was both down to Hemphill and Clifford we were able to go into the Third Round to face Leeds.


And there wasn’t any hang-over as we continued our impressive run with a 2-0 win over Bury (Hemphill, Zbimg) – but then for the first time in my managerial career as Newark Athletic manager, we finally felt the hang over.

27.9.03 Bristol Rovers H Second Division 1:2 11627 Henderson
4.10.03 Sheff Utd A Second Division 1:3 21550 Van der Voom
11.10.03 Walsall H Second Division 1:1 10668 Jarvis
14.10.03 Gillingham A Second Division 1:2 11569 Jarvis pen

Four games with a single point, we dropped far – and at one point below the play-off positions – and despite how many changes I made in defence, it still didn’t rectify the situation.

Biting the bullet, I resorted back to the tactic that had done so well for us last season, and soon our fortune was changed! 3-0 against Leicester (Wato, Zbimg, Van der Voom(The Eejit sent off)), and a 3-0 away win against rivals Notts Co (Clifford, Knott, Zbimg) allowed us to get back to the position we wanted to be in!

Though the table at this point was too close to tell….


But it did warrant a call from Yermolai.

http://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Ken+Davitian+Opening+Night+Rain+Tribute+Beatles+ZF SXNG1uTwOl.jpg

Yermolai: Nikolavski! I am pleased that you don’t have to be killed!
Niko: Yay, I guess.
Yermolai: I do not like seeing my club so low in the table – remember the objections and meet them – otherwise, you won’t get to shag that Keisha woman!
Niko: It’s Kesha!
Yermolai: It doesn’t really matter – fuck it up again and you won’t have a penis to shag anyone!

Not exactly the kind of congratulations I wanted to hear, I was then questioned about how well Zbimg had been doing and the amount of attention he was having from bigger teams. They asked if he could play in the higher leagues to which I responded:


This warranted the kind of praise from the fans I knew it would, hopefully not seeing the underlying possibility by the question.


Before the important Leeds game, we faced MK Dons as a taster in the League. A team who beat us two seasons ago in a FA Cup replay game, now it was time to show that we had improved. And we did just that! Despite having Hemphill in the team (The Eejit now vice-captain) we able to win the game 3-2, with Zbimg getting his 10th and 11th goal of the season and Wato his 8th – it was a good indication for the next game on the fixture list against Chris Powell’s side at Elland Road.


Hemphill came back into the team, meaning Knott was dropped and Van der Voom was playing on the left wing – which had been a role he adjusted to after Millwall grabbed O’Toibin.

From the get go Leeds were in control, as Beechio came agonisingly close to scoring the first. Collecting the ball, McCormack had yet another chance for the home side – but again it was defended well and we broke with Zbimg and Van der Voom connecting to allow our first real chance which never connected. For the rest of the half we controlled the game, but in the 28th minute Becchio was found by Varney!


One-on-one with David Marshall, he turned past the 28 year old…..


And scored….

A pain was throbbing through my body as I watched him and the Leeds boys run over to celebrate, which was…..

Then denied by a flag sent by God!



We still had a chance!


With the captain for the extra night The Eejit protecting the back line, the Scotsman ensured we were able to break down each attack and leave the field at half-time goalless.


But that didn’t last long as Leeds was able to grab a goal out of nowhere, four minutes into the second half! McCormack scored a cracker from nowhere to get the lead, and his tenth for the season.


In response of the goal – it was time for the whole car-park to camp out infront of their six yard box making it mere impossible to get back into it for near 20 minutes. When finally Wato charged on with a lobbed pass and it…


Was headed in by Zbimg!

And just a minute later?


He was celebrating his second!!!

Another brace for the prolific want-away striker!

And another impressive performance to finish the first three months of the season, and a hectically close one as we looked at the table.


The fact that we had such a bad run but was still within the league title pinpointed the level that we had now to face with. It was something we all had to deal with, and for now, every-one would have to deal with – including Lorenzo.

And with three months past, it was time for the meet-up with Michaels.


Michaels: So, we have a connection of a Phetrovology facility in Scotland which we have pinpointed as the best location of the woman – which we have named as Miss X.
Niko: Fucking Scotland? What! Does ‘Him’ have an alcoholic problem with whiskey? Or, deep-frying deep-fried food?
Michaels: It’s just one of the remaining operations he has around the world – we are monitoring it.
Niko: But still, why shitty Scotland?
Michaels: We have reports of a crazed-man who is calling himself ‘Sir Alex Ferguson’ and killing random civilians – announcing their names to be AMC.
Niko: God forbid!
Michaels: Yes, he changed his name via deedpoll.
Niko: Meant more for the guys AMC.

With that on my mind, only one thing came to mind.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! A crazed man called ‘Alex Ferguson’ keeps killing people he calls AMC!
Michaels: Crazy b:censored:!
Niko: Any news on that ‘suggestion’ I made?
Michaels: I have sent the report about that to your house.

He then left, enforcing me to return to the documentation on the possibility of me shagging… working with, Kesha! As I opened my door I was shocked to see what the ‘report’ was….


Niko: Oh my fucking Gawd!

I shouted out, as I grabbed my yoyo. I chucked it to the ground watching it light, and then stared intently for the next second – delighted as it stopped!

Niko: Oh my Gawd! He’s only gone and done it! He only gone and won the jackpot!

I screamed as the confused woman stared back – now the REAL ‘investigation’ has started!

16-05-14, 08:58 AM
FA Cup, Champions League and Christmas all in one. I guess that Nico and Kesha won't be sen for the next few months.

What did I get sent off for ? I hope it wasn't something lame and that the guy is still in hospital.

BTW He is still just Mr Alex Ferguson ..... I think that the "Sir" might be a plot spoiler for my story :)

16-05-14, 05:10 PM
FA Cup, Champions League and Christmas all in one. I guess that Nico and Kesha won't be sen for the next few months.

What did I get sent off for ? I hope it wasn't something lame and that the guy is still in hospital.

BTW He is still just Mr Alex Ferguson ..... I think that the "Sir" might be a plot spoiler for my story :)

title says fearless and golden ambitons :)

Also what you guys think of new style?

17-05-14, 08:57 PM
Glad to see that the football is better than the kit design. :P Fantastic read as ever!

20-05-14, 11:10 PM
The Realisation – Chapter One

Within a matter of days since I was sharing my house with Kesha Rose, it didn’t really match the manner that I had imagined. Since her release from rehab a couple of months ago, her life-style was cut to the slim from what it was. The ideal image of myself and her partying into the wonders of the night – wasn’t going to happen. The dreams of us sitting in the living room with a bottle of Jack Daniels each, and then corresponding with the eventual drunkness with a night of passion was flung out the window faster than an Irishman to a pint.

http://www.urbansplatter.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Kesha+Calzedonia+Summer+Show+Forever+Together+px6o 46IO55Vl.jpg

We got along, for the most part, but it seemed she didn’t enjoy the fact she HAD to stay with.

Kesha: Seriously, I am ‘bunked’ with you?
Niko: Only for the short while….

I had to say, holding back my hopes for longer. But before I could swallow the cyanide pill of reality – once more – I was confronted by Michaels about just SOME of the men he had deemed possible to join the cause to catch the super-solider.


Niko: So what do you have, copper?
Michaels: Well, come on through as see for yourself!

I walked through the door, which itself would be spoiler roof – but it would the identities that would amaze, scare and confuse.

The first person I encountered…


Niko: Right, and so this green git would help how?
Michaels: He is numbed and has taken down a few operatives in America – could be a good prawn to use!
Green Git: Name’s Kick Ass! And I am ready to kick some!

I shook my head with his stupid dialogue, and paid attention to the next person in the line-up.


Niko: Alright, I think I am seeing some kind of motif here.
Michaels: Really? Tell me then!

He said back in anger

Niko: You are going for Green guys, right?
Michaels: Not really, I am actually working more towards comi-
Green Ugly: I am Green Goblin, I have a split-personality disorder!
Niko: Good for you…
Goblin: I am also very wealthy!
Niko: Welcome to the team!

I said shaking his head!

Next was….


I stood in silence to the man with chains around his neck, and turned towards Michaels who was smiling from ear to ear.

Niko: You are kidding me right? I mean, he’s a fucking zombie!
Michaels: Killer Zombie!
Niko: You are still kidding right?
Michaels: He is the kingpin of the Zombies Aggressively Chomping Killers!
Niko: He is the kingpin of Zack.
Michaels: Yep!
Niko: But how the hell can he help us? He is brain-dead!
Michaels: Hey! He might be brain-dead but he still has feelings!
Niko: I am sure he has…

I said looking at the zombie, who seemed actually quite upset, surprisingly I felt for this beast of the undead.

Michaels: Plus he has like a f:censored: load of ‘buddies’!
Niko: Awesome, he’s in!

I said, smiling imagining a herd of zombies at my disposable. On the next guy, or should that be guys as they were grouped up together.

Michaels: Here we have a ‘band’ of people!


Michaels: Dick Grayson


Michaels: A Tour Guide…


Michaels: ‘Dolf-
Niko: Fuck off!
Michaels: What?
Niko: First off, Dick Grayson is a cartoon so fire will fuck him up – second, he’s a fucking tour guide – and third, and most fucking importantly, it’s Hitler!
Michaels: Ha! But together they are – Dick Tour ‘Dolf!
Niko: ‘Dolf?
Michaels: Hitler’s ‘good’ clone.
Niko: So together is sounds like…

I just shook my head.

Niko: No is a no!

I said as I walked onward to the next person in line.


Niko: A fucking janitor?
Michaels: Yeah, he is able to work every day except the Sabbath – he is Jewish!

As he said that, the group that I had denied was enraged and pierced through the lonely janitor at once.

Michaels: Oh, wait! He’s just the janitor of THIS PLACE! He’s not apart of the group!

He said, looking at his note pad as the group desimated the poor man. I got out my glock and shot them all in the head, before turning round to Michaels.

Niko: What was his name?
Michaels: Nickname was ‘Mac’? Guess he was an Pear user.
Niko: AMC you say?

Which resulted with:

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Dick-Tore-‘Dolf killed AMC!
Michaels: It’s MAC – you deaf b:censored:!

He replied, before ushering me into the next room.


Niko: Right, I don’t see why we are in here? There is no-one here!
Michaels: No, but this is where the legendary super-hero comes back to after saving the world!
Niko: And?
Michaels: He agreed, not only to comply with us to use his hideout as base for the operation – but to help us!
Niko: Right…. And where is he now?
Michaels: Rescuing the world. Said he didn’t want you to know anything else.
Niko: Right…

I said grabbing my yoyo and spinning and watching as it was confirmed as reality.

Michaels: Don’t you believe me?
Niko: Not really! What is his name?
Michaels: What?
Niko: What is this super hero’s name?
Michaels: Oh, ‘Zan’ something…. Think it began with an ‘S’ or something….
Niko: Right!

I said turning away, knowing that the person I had encountered called ‘ZanSnake’ was ever real.

Disappointed with many of the people, especially as it would only be a kid in a green suit, a mentally-fucked up rich dude and a hoard of brain-dead people – I didn’t really like the odds. Thankfully, I was able to return home to Kesha, but it wasn’t ideal as I would have hoped as she just said hi and left – looking sexy as ever.


Trying to hide my disappointment, I turned my head towards the ‘other’ side of my life – football.


We started with a 0-0 draw with Doncaster away, an equal result – which we was able to with a 1-0 win (Zbimg) at home against Cheltenham before going from the League games with another 1-0 result against Barnet, Zbimg scoring the only goal in the first half as we finished the game with only 9 men on the pitch after both Betsch and McLaughlin were sent off.

Knowing that both up-coming suspensions would add more pressure on the average defence, forcing me to loan in Stoke youngster Colin O’Dowd, being 18 years old, he allowed me to convince that if impressing me Yermolai would allow me to buy him out-right!


The first game the youngster would have in the Red and Gold shirt would be against Wigan City in the 4th Round of the League Cup. Recently earned relegation for the team – it seemed they could be relegated for a second time as they were fighting the lingering relegation zone!


A match in which it was half-an-half throughout, Wigan was the more attacking and influential team in the beginning minutes which didn’t die down as the minutes went pass and the chances were wasted on the counter by our own attack. And it wasn’t till the end of the first half and a few minutes in the second that Wigan was finally able to break the deadlock.


Kone had many chances before hand, but lacked the final finishing touch – until now – when he scored a cracker outside the box, meaning it was time for them to shut shop for the day and ease on through as the hard work was done for them!


Wigan fans roared on their team as the minutes and chances went flying by, until the dying minutes of the second half when Clifford lobbed the ball for Zbimg!


Clifford created the goal and the poacher scored it! We had done it! We had put the game into extra time. The fans were exacted as they sang the now infamous chant – not caring of the player’s doubt of loyalty.

But extra time created nothing – despite in the introduction of Ryan Jarvis for the second half of it. We were forced down to penalties.

http://www3.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Olympics+Day+8+Men+Football+Q+F+Match+28+Great+tjF zK6vwlShl.jpg

Knowing one single wrong kick could be vital, the lads had trained on this scenario all week, as a possible option for what might come. But the ovations of the whole team as we watched not only the goal scorer Kone miss, but former Tottenham player Ryan Mason was celebrated with spirit as both Jarvis and O’Dowd converted to make it 1-3 after adding to Henderson’s earlier penalty. The unused McManaman slotted it in, but the man of the midfielder – Wato- stepped up and bagged it in, with a special celebration added to the mix!

The Comparisons continue!

The win seemed the end for Martinez as Wigan manager, after a gruelling time in the Championship; we were the team to send him on his way.


But soon after, it had emerged that one player wanted to use the win as a way to step it up in the leagues. A player which I would have NEVER thought of wanting to leave the club.


The local star! The ‘soon-to-be’ club legend! The Captain!

Wanted to leave the club. I firstly rejected it, and wanted to move on with him, but he just wanted to leave – trying not to break on my former convections of no-one leaving we went into Crawley game somewhat distorted.


But the deluded fans watched as the team ran out 3-2 winners at home, but saddeningly it was the two men who wanted to leave scoring the vital goals – Zbimg with two, and Hemphill scoring the winner.

After the game a bid came in for Hemphill.


Due to the contract he had, and the fact it was meant to be so much, we were forced to….


The £5 million would, though, add more to the bank with what he was ‘worth’.


Meaning that the last game he would play for the game would be against Port Vale away. And, disheartingly, it was a shite person as we lost 3-1. The Eejit got sent off with two yellows, but it was already over by then as the home side had scored three by the end of the first half. Somewhat ironically it was Hemphill who scored the goal for us – in which could have been an allegory to why he felt he needed to leave.

And a couple of days later….


It was confirmed.

Sad and depressed with how this season SEEMED to be turning out, I bought as much alcohol as I could and returned back to Kesha.

http://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Kesha+Hot+99+5+Jingle+Ball+2012+Presented+Weo4wxuB AXvl.jpg

I guess she understood my feeling as she drank with me.

Niko: I have already lost the best friend I had at the club in Kowalinho, and now, with Zbimg, the fan favourite wanting to leave and the ‘local-star’ already left – I feel like I have no control over the club!

Kesha drank her glass of red wine.

Kesha: Maybe you are to good to be in an oppressive industry like football – have you ever thought of another job?
Niko: Tried as a musician – but I failed.
Kesha: Maybe you should give up hope. You were FORCED into football by Phetrovology, so it isn’t a ‘natural’ fit.
Niko: Maybe…

I said, as she slid closer. She whispered into my ear and went up-stairs.

A few minutes later I followed her to the bathroom…


Kesha: You need some relaxation, I know the best way…

Said the drunken pop star. And soon…



To Be Continued.

Baron Zbimg
21-05-14, 10:51 AM
Man, Lorenzo is having a great start of a season. I just hope I could advise him to stay. I think I had set his loyalty pretty high, maybe even though he wants to leave he won't ask for a trade. If he does, discipline the little bastard !

21-05-14, 11:30 AM
Stars leaving left, right and centre. Trouble at mill!

21-05-14, 11:41 AM
* Dismayed at the lack of harmony at the club
* Thinks club should have held onto Hemphill
* Likes the clubs style of writing
* Thinks Bergstrom is a plotting genius
* wants more pictures of Kesha

21-05-14, 06:28 PM
:shocked: Big loss there.
*Thinks The Eejit has disciplinary problems

21-05-14, 07:51 PM
:shocked: Big loss there.
*Thinks The Eejit has disciplinary problems

* Thinks CMAdventurer should mind his own ****ing business before The Eejit puts his ****ing head through a brick wall

01-06-14, 01:47 AM
Sorry to ask, but did NO-ONE get the subtle hint/foreshadowing that was inserted in 'The Dread Interview'?

Ifo, good skills to read it and highlight it, otherwise good work for me not to spoil the end of season three.

01-07-14, 10:09 PM
CMA are u in this?

Can't remember who is who at his moment :D

I'll do the write up soon, after PTP found some kind of #ZanSnakeEdge atm.

*If that trends = awesome!!

14-07-14, 02:33 PM
The Realisation – Chapter Two

After a unforgettable night, initially it was awkward for a while, but it seems to work in my favour as we were closer. But before I could worry about the soap opera storyline, I was brought back to the realm of football as just a matter of days we would be facing David Moyes and Arsenal.

But thankfully, I was able to rest a couple of player and allow some real youth a run as we faced non-league side Bishop’s Stroftfond in the Second Round of the FA Cup.


A team that was just able to scathe through to the Second Round of the FA Cup, they had the home advantage but that didn’t stop the lads thrashing them 3-0, with O’Dowd and The Eejit scoring (O’Dowd signing on permanently), but it was Alex Nicholls who impressed as the former-Chelsea youngster grabbed the third goal and the Man of the Match, putting a little bit of hope for the Arsenal game – which in the end I decided to go for the more regular players of Henderson and Van der Voom on the wings.


Playing against the basic Youth side felt like an insult, but also invoked a feeling of possibility of actually beating the bastards! As the two sides lined up at the Emirates, the Arsehole Home fans were as dismissive as an AIDs patient.


Against the script, the Black and White strips of Newark clothing were the team controlling the game – as Flapianski endured to keep the score level. But the best opportunity soon was twisted as the corrupt refs as Wellington Silva samba’d his face onto the floor from Marshall and got a penalty. The one prick to take it….


He stood up comfortably for the kick, eying down the mouth of the goal straight at Marshall, who stood confident and focused. As the whistle blew from the corrupted cock’s mouth, Walcott aligned to the spot and ran up with a mixture of pace and power, aiming towards the bottom right…


Marshall reflexes shone as he jumped across to save the rather pathetic penalty, which was duly cleared by Baz.

After the penalty the match was back and forth, with Zbimg missing wide and Marshall on high alert to any attempt to slaughter his net. But we was given a life line as Ebecilio felt the just hand of karma from the corrupt judge as we watched the young Dutchman leave the match early.


But despite the one man advantage, we couldn’t take the game by the neck as chance after chance never finished with a glorious goal as we hoped, and Marshall was continuously being tested by the young ‘Gunners’. And after it all, it came down to Penalties to settle the ‘Premier League giants’ and the Second Division fodder. Like a bad mixture of alcohol, the young guns looked more noxious and looked set to be bait for a night with Theo.

It was Walcott who had the job to take the first penalty, and after missing the one earlier in the game so the pressure was upon his shoulders. But he shrugged it off and scored.

http://www.standard.co.uk/pasportsfeeds/article8181001.ece/alternates/w460/Arsenal%27s%20Theo%20Walcott%20celebrates%20scorin g%20against%20Coventry.jpg

In response Zbimg scored, but Andre Santos scored his, only for substitute Jarvis equalised it for it to be 2-2, this is when I thought reality would kick our butts – until Kieran Gibbs stood up to take the next shot, which as you would expect from a defender was easily saved:


Wato scored his, like his metamorphosis creature Frank Lampard always does, but Captain Wilshere bagged them into the game, as Henderson couldn’t find his composure. But neither of us could score until the man of the match, and of the penalties, David Marshall stepped us at gave us the single penalty we needed to go through!


But the response from the players from the epic win wasn’t the momentum thrill ride that I wanted, as straight off the back I made only three changes for the Bournemouth game, which resulted in both Liam and Ryan Jarvis being injured and a 3-0 loss. Jarvis was out for Two weeks with a stubbed toe, and Liam had a 10 day rest with a gashed leg.

Hoping to bounce back, Zbimg, Betsch and Wato came on but we were slapped in the face as we lost yet another man to injury, just one minute into time. The injury set us back as Leyton scored twice into the second half, and Henderson scored one back – which we just couldn’t add to. After the ‘triumph’ over Arsenal we had now lost two games off the bat.

And with Christmas just five days away, the mood/atmosphere around the club was mute as we went into the Christmas party.


The feeling of an outsider to the team that I had spent the last two years with started to emerge, friends had started to leave the club and former first team players felt like an haunting image of the conceived enemy that I was becoming.

But, I couldn’t really give a fuck, as soon I was pushed into a room by Michaels to start to plan the attack on the Scottish base of Phetrovology.


Michaels: Right, we now know our allies, and army, to attack the facility. But, our Intel isn’t as detailed as we would like to be. We have no information about their defences, or a blue print of the base itself.
Niko: So we are going in blind?
Michaels: Yes. But I am sure by using stealth we can sneak in and take them out quietly enough to ensure that no alarms are going to go off.
Niko: Right, but that doesn’t really seem possible with an army of zombies!
Michaels: That’s because we are going to break into two offensive groups, one will make sure that any vital defences are down, and the other will await commands to attack the facility head on.

I nodded in agreement, just wanting to get home and see Kesha once more.

Michaels: Okay then, we attack on New Year’s Day!

And so, I sneaked out of the rest of the party as Christmas Eve was about to end, and returned home with one special ‘gift’ awaiting for me.


Oh, hell!

You have to love Christmas!


Two days after I was in training was I was told by the club’s secretary about an usual phone call that had come in for me. I went off to leave the rest of the coaching staff to finish off the session, as I arrived into the reception of the training ground, a deep chill emerged onto the surface of my skin. Brushing it off due to the change of temperature of central heating of the room instead of the cold weather, I grabbed the phone.


As the end of the phone came closer to my ear all I could hear was deep breathing.

Caller: Niko Bergstrom, is that you?
Niko: What do you want? I am in the middle of a training session here!
Caller: I am calling to tell you to back off from Project X!
Niko: I don’t know what the hell you are on about, but if you are talking about Phetrovology, you tell ‘Him’ that he should be scared, because I am coming after him!
Caller: Hahaha! You are certainly funny! He said you would be. I’ll give you some time to listen to your voice mail to realise- I AM NOT FUCKING AROUND!

As he said that, I grabbed my phone from my pocket that had been on silent and read that I did indeed have a new voicemail. Wary, I entered the pin and called to listen to it – the phone number, my house number.

http://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Kesha+Hot+99+5+Jingle+Ball+2012+Presented+Weo4wxuB AXvl.jpg

Kesha’s voice entered the fray.

Kesha: Hiya Nikki, thought I should ring to remind you to go shopping before you come back. Kind of ran out of chocolate spread and alcohol after Christmas Eve. That night was wild! Well….

Suddenly, a sound of a broken window can be heard from upstairs.

Kesha: (away from phone) Hello? Anyone there!!
Kesha: (Into phone) Niko, I think someone is here!

Crashing, broken glass, footsteps over shards of glass. The squeak of the top step of the stairs. As I listened closely, I heard a muffled voice telling others to be quiet as Kesha panicked with bloated breathe.

Kesha: (whispering) Niko, I am hiding in the closet. Please help me. I don’t want them to take me. Niko – please-

As she tried to plead for her life into the mobile device, tears rained down and she shook in the small coffin. As she tried to beg for help to the one person she thought she could rely on – a door was flung open.

Muffled Voice: There you are!

A hitch-pitched squeal that would deafen any dog, as the phone dropped onto the ground.

Muffled voice: Oh! Bitch just bit me!

Said the male voice, as the last words of Kesha came out in a terror filled voice.

Kesha: Niko!!

And the message ends.


As I stood in front of the desk, every hair of my body raised up and my muscles tensed in anger.

Caller: Now you know, stay away or she’ll be dead!

In response I could say only one thing:

Niko: I don't know who you are. I don't know where you are. But what I do know are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my Kesha go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
Caller: Bring. It. On!

And he then put the phone down.

Niko: I’m going to bring them a world full of hurt!


14-07-14, 08:26 PM
Chapter Three: A World Full of Hurt!

After the phone call I instantly rang Michaels, and arranged a meeting at my former false apartment which had turned into the secret meeting place between myself and Michaels.


Michaels: Please Niko, tell me you didn’t agitate them!
Niko: Why? You know, all this could be fake! A hallucination, right?
Michaels: I am afraid not. I got some of my officers to check the house, and Kesha is indeed missing and there is evidence of a break in.
Niko: Well then I did threaten them, and I am 100% backing that – with or without your help!

As I was about to exit the flat, Michaels stood.

Michaels: Do that and she is dead.
Niko: I have to try.

I added before walking out.

I made it to the secret hiding place which stored everything, when I emerged onto a platform.


As it rose, an outfit seemed to come with it:


And underneath was a playable device which highlighted my name, as I pressed the button a familiar face came up:


Niko: Zan?

I said in confusion as he started to speak.

Zan: Niko, by now you are about to escalate onward to the fight against Phetrovology, and was told about a mysterious super hero called SuperZan. In confusion I guess you thought it was me! But no. Zan is not a single person, but a collective of Awesome people protecting the world as they waited for the real super hero to emerge. That hero Niko, is you.

I face palmed my face harder than anyone ever before.

Niko: Right, now I know this is fake!

I said as the unreal prophecy was explained.

Zan: You are not genetically human like others, you are not engraved with the same faults as humans do. You are special. You are instinctive with your senses, you are quicker to respond than anyone! You are a born hero!

As I grabbed my Yo-yo to see if this was fake, it flew into the air like it was stuck in some magnetic field.

Zan: Wear this and the effects of you emerging with disappear, and you will emerge as the SuperZan!
Niko: Okay then…

I said in confusion, as I started to wear the suit. When I finally put on the suit, everything around me started to feel extraordinary. Every sound echoed into my ears, I could align the whole space without looking!

Niko: Fuck sake!

I screamed in agony with a realisation that I was truly not normal. But the message went on.

Zan: Do not go hastely, you must start from the beginnings to the endgame. Become a hero first, then reach the level of Super Hero! Be a common copper and then fight against your nemesis.
Niko: So don’t rush. Fucking Michaels was right!

And so I left the cave wearing a leather suit, but one awesome thing occurred!


I could jump super fucking high!


Taking on the words of both Zan and Michaels I decided that I would firstly deal with the two last games of the year, before heading off to find Kesha. The first game was against Brighton, which due to injuries and lack of form of some major players, I decided to change the tactic and took a risk starting youth player Ashley Curtis up-front with Van der Voom:


But it didn’t beckon the kind of result I hope for. Brighton laid on pressure after pressure, which included a pulled hamstring for Van der Voom who had to replace after ten minutes by Kevin Dupuis, whose presence was felt as he scored just 22 minutes after coming on. But the man of the match was once again Marshall who continuously saved our arses.

After the game I decided to help solve some petty crimes around Newark-on-Trent, which included graffiti, stealing, and other none interesting tasks – but thankfully I was soon alerted (thanks to a radio I stole from Michaels) to an hostage situation. I jumped my way there to the scene, which I was alerted to the strange ‘house’.


As I kicked in the door, the ‘house’ inside was completely different to what I was expecting from the exterior!


Niko: What the hell!?

As I said that I saw the strange kidnapper.


Kidnapper: So you have come!
Niko: Listen, release the hostage and surrender or I’ll bring you a world full of hurt!
Kidnapper: You don’t understand, we have you where we want you!

He shouted, as I sudden got a inkling as people emerged from all the corners of the house.


Niko: What the hell is this?
Leader: You are have already hurt us! You have killed us in many ways, Nikolavski Bergstrom!
Niko: Why do people always call me that!

As I screamed the people started to come closer.

Leader: As we died, all you could do is say ‘Oh My Gawd!’ and identify the person who killed us! You did nothing for justice, and now you work for justice? We are AMC, I am AMC – AND ‘OH MY GAWD! AMC IS GOING TO KILL NIKOLAVSKI BERGSTROM!’

Finally the opportunity had come, but these people were deluded. As they came closer, I jumped into the air and impacted the ground. The AMCs flew into the walls from the force of the crumble ground, smashing their heads apart – now there was less.

Niko: Ha ha ha! Niko killed the AMCs!
Leader: You bastard!

He screamed as a new crowd of AMCs charged from his command.

Niko: Where the hell are you coming from?

I said as I punched, kicked and head-butted my way through the never-ending amount of AMCs.

Leader: You cannot kill what has already been killed! Hahahaha!

The leader laughed frantically as the number of the AMCs expanded and expanded more, piling onto me, restricting my power to do anything.

Leader: Get ready to die, Nikolavski!

He screamed in triumph and I was pinned down to the ground.

Niko: Not this time!

I cried, and with all of my force I rolled over to the wall and smacked it with as much power as I could, killing another AMC as I ripped into him to make impact with the concrete floor. The force of the power shook the whole building, an earthquake of my determination loosen the chandelier that was above them!


And like in a comedy film, it fell and smashed into the ground – sending it’s glass shards flying into the eyes of the AMCs. As they bled to death on the ground in a pile, I emerged, bloody and angered!

Niko: Is that all you got?

The leader stood unnevered as another horde of AMCs came my way, this time looking different.


Leader: Meet the AMCs that were disfigured because of your wrath!

As they slowly crept towards me, I had enough and super jumped onto the landing of the second tier of the house right into the face of the leader.

Niko: Now say that again!

I said, grasping his throat with my left hand, tightening it as he struggled more to breathe.

Leader: You cannot stop us! We are never-ending!

He squelched under belated breath as I leant him over the bannister.

Niko: Good. More training then!

I responded with a crooked smile, as I let go and watched him body fall. As it fell, the chandelier remains gleamed like a spear for a head, and soon it impaled the Leader through the heart. But once again another horde emerged.


Using this opportunity, I jumped down and crushed one into a nice paste, before quickly bouncing off each head to follow the current of the flow of the undead river. As I followed the endless lines of AMCs, I was finally able to meet an entrance way to a basement.


Following the basement, I was emerged with another entrance, this time it seemed kind of mystical.


Soon I emerged with an odd image:


Niko: Anyway, is this the place where the endless amounts of AMCs come from?
Tit-Head: Yes….
Niko: Well, who do I have to vanquish so that it stops?

The tit head pointed towards a throne in which the person responsible was sitting.


Instead of doing introductions, I just grabbed the motherfucker by his horns and threw him into the lava pit below.

Niko: Now that is done for!

I said as I walked out of the house, as the rotting and decaying bodies, knowing that now I was ready to do what was needed to get Kesha back, and find the woman that I thought was called Sona.

Before leaving the area I had one thing to say

Niko: Oh My Gawd! I killed All the AMCs!


Old Man: Super b:censored:!

BUT, before that I had one more game against Portsmouth, and with more players back from injury, I reverted back to the old tactic and the familiar names onto the starting eleven sheet really did appease some doubts in the back of my mind:


An away 0-3 result was the brilliance of the change, as Jarvis, Nicholls and Knox scored with the help of the assists of Wato, and another one from the Man of the Match Nicholls. We had shown, finally, that we were up for the battle to get the title in the New Year and that maybe we had a little more fight in us then others would want us to believe we didn’t have.

But, then it came down to it!

To the moment, to the fight, to the start of the end of Phetrovology.

In my leather suit, I jumped to the meeting area to meet up with Michaels.


Michaels: Niko, or should I say SuperZan!
Niko: Right then, what’s the plan?
Michaels: Well, we have been able to track down the kidnappers in an abandon house, they seem to be using it as a stronghold.

Michaels showed me on the map laid out in front of him, narrowing down the location I turned round heading for the balcony.

Michaels: Niko wait! You can’t do this alone!
Niko: Sorry, I have to. This one is personal!

I said putting on my black sunglasses and jumping off into the location of the abandon house.


Knowing that I wouldn’t have to use any transport, I arrived at the location in mere minutes. Sensing I had alerted them to my presence I ran into the door, knocking out two of the captors in the process.

Voice: Niko! Bout time you got here!

Said the voice from the phone, but despite my incredible hearing, I couldn’t pinpoint the location of it’s origins.

Voice: Oh my, wait a stupid outfit to die in!

The voice once again teased me.

Niko: Why don’t you say that to my face!

I screamed out in response, just wanting enough time to locate the place he was hiding and holding Kesha in.

Voice: Well that would be so anti-climatic, wouldn’t it?

He said, but the game was over.

Niko: Up-stairs, far right corner of the house.

I muttered to myself, before running up the stairs to the door. But as I stood in front of the door, I felt unease. Why wasn’t there anybody else trying to stop me? Why would this be so easy?

I shook of my doubts and reached for the handle, opening it I was brought to a new world of strange….


There wasn’t a person. It was empty but with highly weird technological work.

Voice: Gotcha!

The voice emerged. I walked into the room, images of my life was blurted around me as I stepped closer to the old computer.

Voice: You know, we’ve been edging you on for all your life. A test to see if you were what you were meant to be!

The voice echoed from throughout the room, as the images shifted around the screens on display.

Voice: The path of the righteous, the person built for significance.

Each image distorted my mind, numbing me down to a shallow shell of my strength. Cerina, the killing of Phetrov, me as a child winning athletic competitions – they were all on display. Urging all strength I stood up and threw my fist into the screen of the computer.

Niko: You can Watch! But, you can’t have!

I screamed out in pain, as each screen started to go blank. One-by-one, the rooms light disappeared until I was left in darkness.

Voice: Come and get her, if you really want her!

He said, as I realised who I was speaking to – Him!

I charged out of the room, knowing the one location: Scotland.


Arriving, I was just in time for meeting with Michaels, and the gang that would be helping me. I informed them that this is it, not to stop the genetic soldier but also Phetrovology as a whole!

Firstly I sneaked in, disposed of all the guards I could see and opened the gates. Michaels and co entered the fray, and finished off their defences – seems like the horde of zombies helped out!


As I searched through every room, I was stopped in a hallway as I moved my head to the side to miss throwing knife. I turned and faced the woman I was here to stop.


Project X: Niko – you have failed big time! We were meant to be together! King and Queen of the new empire! And we-

Instead of listening to her to talk I got out my pistol and shot her right in the end. She dropped dead instantly.

Niko: Too much talking!

I then went off into what looked like a stable and found something that looked uncredible.

Niko: Now I have to let that go!

I unleashed the demon to roam the halls of the facility, later watching the havoc it made on its creators on the security cameras.


As I skimmed through the screens, a footstep emerged from behind, I turned instantly and shot out, only to be amazed as the bullets stopped in mid-air.


Niko: Stop with the stupid teasing now then?
Him: You are not the only one!

He said as he charged at me with super-sonic speed, breaking multiple of bones in my body. Knocked to my feet I chuckled and spat out the iron taste from my mouth.

Niko: My turn!
Him: You really think so?

I charged at him, knocking through the wall to the other room.


He threw all the liquid at me as he could, but it didn’t stop me as I punched and punched. In the end of my rage, all there was left were his corpse and his blood on my knuckles. As I walked away to look for Kesha, a sudden pain emerged in my back.

As I reached round, I had been shot. There was a single tear in my suit, and he used it. I fell once more onto my knees, as memories flooded back to me.

“He is the epic specimen of man! But his mental stability is something to be scared for….”

Unknown conversation plagued my mind as a scientist spoke.

“He needs to be nurtured into his role, gain understanding and then take over!”

He continued, as the rubble of concrete was flung into the air.

“I will see to it that he will. His life will lead to the ultimate conclusion!”

This time it was Him.

“As I will enter my final years, he shall takeover with Project X, and heir a new generation!”

Broken and beaten the vague shadows of Him walking towards me became clear.

“Tragedy hardens a man, so he will be a tragic individual. His mind will be crushed with confusion to corrupt wrong and right.”

Step by step, he emerged closer.

“And when it finally clicks – reality will dissolve into the ultimate plan. For the ultimate being. He will accomplish the ultimate goal.”

Breathe by deeper breathe, blood sweeped out.

“But, Sir. He will face the same problem as do you! His life will shorten incredibly! He is not able to wait for that plan to work!”

Gunshot. The noise of a bullet flying out of a barrel echoed in the last minutes before darkness.

“I will make sure that others will guide him, and trust will be broken. So those words will emerge….”

A metal object hitting the floor, as a woman voice screams.

“…Let This River Flow….”

I awoke a few days later with Michaels and, some reason, Theodore Eejit along side me.


Niko: What the hell are you doing here?
Theo: Chocolate spread is quite cheap here, also, you got to love those Scots!
Niko: And, what happened to Him?
Theo: Me? I am fine! I stayed in Belgium and won Marmalade Man of the Year three years in a row!
Niko: No, ‘Him’ as in ‘Him’? Wait… Where is she?

As I said a voice was heard:


Kesha: I shot him.
Niko: Cool, let’s go home!

I said, emerging from the hospital bed, and walking out of the room.

Theo: But Niko, you’ve just been shot?
Niko: Super-human, bitches!!

And so, that is how it ended, the New Year is a congratulations as everything changes – and the only thing I could really care for is football. No more would I have to deal with bullshit!


15-07-14, 03:21 PM
The Aftermath – Chapter Four

In the aftermath of the downfall of Phetrovology, the world seemed not brighter, but darker. In the FA Cup we had faced Fulham, which resulted in a 0-2 defeat, as would be expected by the home side with both young attacking midfielder Tankovic and experienced Berbatov ending our Cup run.


We then added left winger Ryan Fraser to the ranks from Celtic for £140k.


But this news was kind of sadden by the announcement of Jose Hernandez leaving in the summer to go back to his home country, despite being offered a new contract – he spouted some bullshit about a rift between myself and him.

http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk311/Bogus_1_2008/JoseHernandezagrrestoleavebutspotsshitJan_zps00bd0 b0a.png

Back in the results it got worse, a 0-0 draw away against Plymouth meant yet another injury as right back Connor McLaughlin sprained his ankle – ruling him out for three weeks. With Henderson playing at right back, we won 3-2 against Scunthorpe as Zbimg got a first half hattrick. But in the second half, it got worse as Marshall got sent off (and with Zbimg rested meant no goal threat) allowed them to get back into the game thanks to some poor goalkeeping by sub Ross Aitkens.


Using this I signed another young player from Scotland, 17 year old Centeral Midfeilder Darren Boyle joined for £200k from Dundee United, and was straight into the team despite being a player for the future!


The next game was in the Vans Trophy, wanting to get the Trophy into our cabinet once more, we fielded a strong side. But despite putting on our best team, the shitty defence that we have become accustomed to so far this season bit us on the ass!

2 minutes in Katongo scored! Thankfully, Zbimg used this to get ANOTHER hat-trick – plus one more in stoppage time!!


Celebrating that the game was in the bag and that Shrewbury, a struggling Third Division side, wouldn’t be able to bounce back – once again Jarvis came on. But then, once again, it bit us on the ass! Katongo scored just a minute into the half! And then, thankfully, we were able to hold on until Marshall (once again!) got sent off in the 83rd minute!!


Sinclair scored the penalty, giving them a life line which they took as Davies scored in dramatic fashion in stoppage time! Wato came off the bench for the extra time to add more, after another disappointing game from Clifford, but due to the stupid ruling defender Williams volley from an Aitkens save won them the game. Yet another piss poor defensive performance.

In response I challenged the decision of adding another four games to Marshalls ban, which responded with a rejection and an article in a newspaper website.


Angry I would lose my best goalkeeper for SEVEN games, I had to make do with the fact that I would lose him but thankfully there was two games before the date the ban would start, though a little disappointed he would miss the West Ham game in the League Cup Quarter Final legs. But I decided also to add a new player, this time it was a defender.


Daniel Carvajal joined for £1.3 million from Leverkusen (A) to add more depth to the right back position which lacked any real challenge to McLaughlin, and would be among the new redevelopment of the squad – which would be reoccurring more in the summer.

Another defensive signing then came in two days later, a player who could play either left or right back 21 year old Liam Willis joined for £1.6 million from Cardiff and would most likely be first choice left back for the remainder of the season.


Carvajal made his debut in the 3-1 away win against Carlisle, assisting Zbimg in his 26th goal of the season, as Wato and Ryan Fraser helped Man of the Match Darren Boyle to capture a brace – and show exactly why he was signed! Another 3-1 win at home against Coventry allowed another impressive performance for the right back as he gained another assist, this time for Mark Henderson who scored just 1 minute in the game. Henderson’s performance was a rare start for the young winger/wing-back as Van der Voom and Nicholls we both dropped.

The Eejit grabbed the headlines though, as he assisted Zbimg for another goal! But then got a straight red for a late challenge, the captain has now earned 3 red cards and 5 yellows over the season, a less desirable state as he had only one straight red in the last two seasons (nevermind the amount of yellows earned) but got a five match ban. Henderson added an assist to his name by providing a sublime cross for Wato to volley in, but was robbed of the Man of the Match award by the inform striker – Zbimg.


Despite two wins coming into the game, I still felt a little doubtful of getting a result against an impressive West Ham side. With both Andrea Pirlo and Milos Krasic as two incredible signings, Big Sam’s side was rather disappointing as they struggled in mid-table, when they should be fighting for a top 10 spot.



With a weakened side due to the absence of goalkeeper Marshall and the cup-tied Willis, it was a rather unchanged side from the team that had won against Carlisle except for Shepard coming on. With pressure on the lads, I kind of knew our journey in the cup had well ended.


With a torment of a first half, we were able to hold on until the last minute when Krasic crossed the ball into the box and scored the first goal of the game. At half-time, Clifford came on the sub-par Boyle, but added nothing as Zbimg couldn’t take his chances and Krasic added the second for Hammers on 59 minutes, the assist coming from midfield maestro Pirlo. Three minutes later and Maiga added his second and 15th goal of the season – adding even more insult to the wounds.


We got back into the game as Zbimg added a consolation prize, with then a substitution of Aitkens for the miserable Shepard, hoping we could score a couple more if we had a goalkeeper who actually knew how to save a shot!

But agony! Liam became the second player in two games to be sent off as he went in hard on Maiga. I watched as he walked down the tunnel without even a sign of guilt, as West Ham took clear advantage with the extra man as Noble slit in the final stab into the heart!


Even though I had expected a loss, I would have never expected such a terrible defensive performance from the lads. Hell, even the offensive performance was a shambles – as we matched West Ham for shot to shot, but lacked the killer finish.

And I wasn’t the only one annoyed and disappointed by the result as I was called in to explain myself to both Yermolai and General Manager Toshio Minamoto.

http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Ken+Davitian+Sister+Act+Opening+Night+Hollywood+G3 xIpWPoeoZl.jpghttp://www.mistertopten.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/tadashi-yanai.jpg

Yermolai: Nikolavski! What is this to? A joke? A fucking kick about in the park?
Toshio: We wanted many a success, but you provide no such thing! We wanted to be like giant lizard monster of football - like Godzilla – but we are like American giant lizard monster – awful Zilla, Godzilla wannabe!
Yermolai: It’s fair to say that your balls are close to the blade right now!
Toshio: Slish-slash – and you female!
Yermolai: I want an overhaul of this squad! And I still want that title, or I am expecting a resignation signed by your blood!
Toshio: Drip-drop – from your body!

As I was kicked out the from, I could hear dodgy pop songs being sung by two people with stereotypical accents, adding more shame onto the situation I have to face. Three suspensions, an out of form defence with no real leader, one want-away all star striker, and a careless chairman who only cared having more trophies to drink vodka from and to wank over to his friends in Russia.

So for the Brentford games, I took a risk and changed formation to supply a new plan:


Jarvis would play alongside with Zbimg, Van der Voom playing off them as Baz and Henderson would support as wing-backs. A three man defence which added Mullins only due to lack of choice thanks to injuries. Players that were dropped were: The Eejit, Shepard, Ryan Fraser, and Daniel Carvajal.

The empathises on attack allowed to bag his first hat trick for the club and a nice Penalty from Henderson as we routed a 4-1 home win. Willis and Carvajal was called in for a close 3-2 win over Tranmere with Boyle and Van der Voom’s goals added by sub Kevin Dupuis’s strike, in yet again over-shadowed a horror show of a goalkeeper performance.

I stuck with the tactic for another game, which resulted in a 2-2 draw against First placed Colchester, and despite Zbimg getting his 29th and 30th goals for the season – and despite having the lead twice! It was YET ANOTHER piss-poor goalkeeping performance that cost us the vital 2 points.

And the insult just got worse after a 0-2 home loss against bottom club Bury, as Van der Voom got injured just two minutes after being named as the official vice-captain. As over 7,700 people watched us got taught a lesson from a club basically relegated to the second lowest league in the country – thoughts of accepting defeat and resigning right there plagued my mind.

But thanks to the help of girlfriend, Kesha, I went against the idea and I would rethink my plans in the summer. With that in mind, we lined up for a worthless second leg against West Ham.


After such a defeat in the first leg, all I wanted was to see a good performance. For that I reverted back to the 4-3-3 formation that I had found earlier success with. With Liam, Marshall (just two games shy of his total ban) and The Eejit suspended they were replaced by Shepard, Sam Hutchinson and Mark Clayton. Henderson played on the left for cup-tied Willis as Nicholls played on the right wing.


As the whistle blew the fans chanted the names of their hero striker, Lorenzo Zbimg despite his public outcry for a transfer. And we responded by allowing Maiga to score yet another goal against, crafted by the feet of Krasic.

Our chances came few and we never really looked scoring throughout the 90 minutes, with Carvajal being injured on the 1 hour mark to be replaced by Colin O’Dowd as Hutchinson played at the right back slot.

By the standards of the game, we were the best attacking team as out of the 5 chances created, 4 were on goal. West Ham had 6, but only finished 1 – the goal that Maiga scored – and maybe the full time whistle just a bit more enjoyable!


As I clapped to the home fans for a terrific support throughout the game, I shook the hand of Big Sam, and turned my attention to the last two games of February. But firstly came the new signing of Spanish right winger Ximo for £500k, the 26 year old was playing for Greek side Asteras Tripolis when he was scouted – he was then looked at and signed.


His first game was against Sheffield United at home, which thanks to the help of Boyle we secured a 3-0 to retake second position in the table. Boyle first did a lovely timed lob pass for Henderson to header in his 5th of the season, then unselfishly did a nice through ball for Wato to finish for his 10th.

Boyle’s raving game came to a premature end as he was sent off for a poor two footed tackle, but that didn’t stop Wato to chip the ball into Zbimg to finish off the 3-0 drilling.


Thanks to another impressive 1-4 away win (Zbimg ‘7 ’27, Nicholls ’45, Boyle ’90), we were now just three points adrift from leaders Colchester, and as Zbimg was taken the league from storm – it looked possible for us to catch-up!

And in congratulations for his terrific form, I finally allowed Zbimg to get what he wanted:


But on two reasons: 1. The price would be the same as Hemphill’s transfer fee (£5 million) and 2. Because we had already agreed a bosman move for a striker that had already seemed like he would be ready for his replacement.

At the end of January I was given the Manager of the Month award, and at the end of February Lorenzo was given the Player of the Month, which definetly was the only choice as he has been immense in the last few weeks.

As I contemplate my future, either way I want to end the season in a bang! And maybe three titles in three years would be the holy grail.

15-07-14, 07:53 PM
Recovered well after a big wobble. The red cards just keep coming though!

15-07-14, 07:56 PM
But on two reasons: 1. The price would be the same as Hemphill’s transfer fee (£5 million) and 2. Because we had already agreed a bosman move for a striker that had already seemed like he would be ready for his replacement.

I'm back? :D

16-07-14, 12:19 AM
The Curtain Call – Chapter Five

From the get go, I started to invest for the remainder of the season as I secured new staff to help look for better youth prospects. I also signed two players on loan who I thought would help fix the defensive problems that we have been encountering.

The first loanee was a 23 year old centre back from Crystal Palace Jack Holland, who has failed to make a real contribution to the first team, making only 8 appearances for Palace in the last four seasons!


The second signee was 22 year old Scotsman Jaime Bain from Ipswich. An Under-21 international player, Bain has also failed to make a shot at the first team after signing to Ipswich for £140k from Airdie United as a 19 year old. Consequently, Bain is the sixth Scot in the squad alongside captain The Eejit, goalkeeper David Marshall, midfielder Darren Boyle, left winger Ryan Fraser and youth prospect Andrew Allan.


The pair partnered up as Zbimg was dropped to the bench in favour for Jarvis in what was a dull 0-0 draw away against Walsall with yet another red card – this time for midfielder Wato. With Boyle already out due to suspension (Allan making his debut, somewhat a semi-alright performance) and Wato starting his from the 20th, it meant maybe this could be a problem!

But we bounced back! A 3-1 home win against Gillingham, with Van der Voom scoring a brace from the striker position, and Clifford celebrating his comeback to the team with a goal – the table matched my determination to succeed in the embers of the season!


Finally we had over-taken Colchester at the top!

Though they had a game in hand, and only having a one point advantage, it was a good start!

The enthusiasm ran clear throughout the team as we recorded a 2-0 away win against MK Dons with Clifford and Van der Voom notching more goals – both Wato and Fraser helping them.

And then came the home game against Notts County – the rival and the vital game to add to the now four point deficit. As the game started the tension didn’t faze the lads, Wato scored in the 16th and 21st minute of the first half of the last game before his 3 match ban started. The Eejit then lobbed the ball for Van der Voom to score his fourth goal in three games 3 minutes from the end of the half.

As the lads entered the locker-room we were given happy news as Colchester had now let in 2 goals against Gillingham meaning the table, as it stood, looked like this!


Anxious and determined we stepped back; we defended immensely as the fans chanted ‘Champions!’ But with two minutes left on the clock, Marvin Williams was able to get a consolation prize – because in the end it was inevitable, we now had on our hands ready to clutch the championship!


As the fans stayed for an hour after the game, I stepped back into the dugout and sat back – inhaling the atmosphere. The atmosphere that I have felt for the past three years, the roaring crowd of the young, old – the male, the female – that I have become accustomed to for eight years. Starting as an 18 year old in Finland, a decade later I still felt the same urge to fight for the people that matter – the fans.

As I took one last deep breathe in, the negative aspects started to emerge. The corrupt chairman, the media predators that thrive on any aspect on your life, the insane pressure to appeal to the bright audiences no matter what. I got up from the seat and walked down the stadium, leaving the echoing background noise to haunt my every step.


As I fought with my ultimate decision, I still had to face the ultimate goal scorers of the league: Leicester. The Foxes had been through three managers in as many years, and had faced me twice so far in my career in which they were twice on the losing side. But under John Sheridan they have become a phenomenon! Scoring loads of goals, but their defence lacked.

As we aligned in the King Power Stadium, only one changed was made: Ximo was brought in on the right wing after over-coming from an injury sustained in training. With a new thriving power in the man known as Van der Voom, all I could hope was that we could out-score the opposition.


The stadium was packed, but in twenty minutes the Foxes had been dealt with a duo strike from the sword of Van der Voom. Ximo did a nice low cross into the box, which, even though looked like he had slipped, Van der Voom was able to back heel into the air as he fell and lobbed Schmeichel. The second, which came only six minutes later, was a gift of goal thanks to the superb pass from the Captain The Eejit, coolly he megged the keeper to score his tenth of the season.


Jermaine Beckford was able to get one back sixteen minutes later which a header from Liam Moore’s cross – but it was kindly dealt with as Carvajal ran from the back and lobbed the ball forward for Clifford to score three minutes later!

Like a dog wanting a treat, the Foxes came back with another goal two minutes from the end of the first half as Danny Drinkwater volleyed in Moore’s second cross of the game. As the whistle blew the score stood at 2-3 to us, a thrilling game that looked like it had more to give.


But the second half was a display of defensive prowess as neither side looked set to not allow another goal into the back of their net. But that all changed come the swan song of the half as Beckford equalised with 9 minutes left to go.


Thinking he had won a point for his side, he was soon slapped in the face 2 minutes later. After a terrific low save from Schmeichel from a Carvajal shot, Clifford ran onto the rebound faster than Usain Bolt and smashed it into the back of the net to give heartbreak to the home fans and fantasia to the away!


But that didn’t stop the players!

In stoppage time stop Matthew Taylor or Drinkwater as they combined to score a dramatic equaliser!!


Neither did that stop the Lynx Man of the Year twice in a row, as the captian, leader and soon-to-be legend The Eejit went with a bull of a run, before flicking off a lay off to the right which was smacked straight away by Ximo into the top right!

What a time to score your first ever Newark goal!!


However, the after-match celebrations was wrecked as news that the wall that was The Eejit had reach 10 yellow cards and thus would face a 2 match ban from the 10th of April. The seventh ban in his career, the man nick-named as the ‘Midfield Butcher’ by Newark fans would only miss two games, and thus I wasn’t that bothered as I held belief that we could bounce back with a great late run of form!


As the month of March ended, soon came the accolades!

For the third time this season I was announced as Manger of the Month for March, as Van der Voom made it two months in a row for a Newark Athletic player to win the Player of the Month competition – but with 9 awards now given (including Conference Manager of the Year and Third Division Manager of the Year), all I cared about was the game against Plymouth!


I had to shed a tear for Plymouth in our 3-0 home win!

Van der Voom scored twice, both amazing runs, in the first half – prompting me to allow Zbimg to have a run in the second half – and Man of the Match Clifford scoring yet again in the second. But the abuse that both Zbimg and the Plymouth faithful got actually made you care – a little.

But that was forgotten when the news broke that we had achieved play offs!


In response?

Niko: Fuck off!

I wanted the title and the title is what I was going to get!

However, the 0-2 away win against Cheltenham was less than happy, except for Clifford getting his tenth and Ximo getting his second of the season – Van der Voom had to limp off the field after taking a knock, which turned out to be a 2 week knee ligaments injury!

Meaning that he would miss three games, which included a first versus second match against Doncaster! But, more importantly, it meant he would miss my 28th Birthday party!


A celebration I would have shared with Hemphill, but by being a fucking traitor! Instead we decided to celebrate with loanee Jamie Bain!


Dressed up as his namesake the celebrations were started off with a gig of my favourite artists and a lorry full of alcohol! With a famous girlfriend, which our relationship was on the ‘down-low’, the guests included many! One of which was Canadian Rapper Drake.


As he stepped onto the stage and grabbed the microphone off Sahaj Ticotin from Ra, he started to introduce himself to the audience.

Drake: Yo! My name is Drake, the only rapper from Canada!

The crowd boo’d and hissed as the instrumental music started to fade.

Drake: This is a little treat fo’ y’all! An extract from my latest single – ‘O’ Canada I Have Banged!’

As the nasty synths got lost into the heavy-grinding beats, he started to rap.

Drake: O’ Canada the glorious hoe,
My dick has been in so many holes,
So hard the Mounties be protecting,
From the rags to the riches I have been perfecting,
Bitches from Bombay to Toronto,
Lining up wherever I go!
My dick has been around so much it has a Golden Flight Pass,
Can you say you fucked Ri-Ri’s ass?

O’ Canada, I am so wooden you should call me Craig Forest,
So sublime I make the girls m-

As he was to finish the sentence, suddenly a bullet went flying through his head! As we turned, I was ecstatic to see the saviours – my good friends Archibald and Gregory!


Niko: Wait, didn’t you guys like die and turn into Daft Orbital?
Archibald: Well I say, sir that is the silliest thing I have ever heard!
Gregory: Indeedibly! After killing and eating that awful ‘Corck’ band we had some bad taste in the back of our throats!
Archibald: Sincerely I must agree! That blonde transsexual tasted like eating a piece of excrement!
Gregory: Indeedibly! So we had to postpone our next adventure!
Archibald: Dang right, Gregory!
Gregory: Indeedibly, Archibald!

They chuckled with each other as they grabbed the corpse only to be stopped by an annoying massive cunt.


Kanye: Yo I’m happy for you and Imma gonna let you finish, but Justin Bieber had the best Canadian death of all time!

As he said that, another guest emerged on-stage


……with a guitar and started to beat down the annoying massive cunt to death, as the crowd cheered on with every hit until he was no more.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Taylor Swift killed the AMC!
Crowd: AWESOME B:censored:!

As Archibald and Gregory carried out the dead Canadian, Rage against the Machine suddenly appeared and, suitably, started to play ‘Bullet in the Head’! And soon, Kesha emerged with a private performance in the bedroom!


And soon, the fireworks were lit!


Two days later, it was time for the lads to give me their birthday present with a comfortable win over Bournemouth at the Boltsky Stadium. However that didn’t go to plan as without either Van der Voom or The Eejit, we fell to a 0-1 loss thanks to a single goal to a player I had a REAL keen eye on, Matt Tubbs. We were able to stay along for the ride thanks to some amazing saves from Marshall.

It was even worse two days later as we lost 1-2 against Crawley away, despite the emergence of both Wato and The Eejit back into the side. Wato made his presence known with a late goal, but it was too little, too late by then.


After two straight defeats, and the next game being against Doncaster I made a few changes. Liam and Jose Hernandez was brought back into the squad to help a form of defence to do well, and – regretfully – I was forced to include a player I didn’t want to start in Lorenzo ‘Judas’ Zbimg.

What was occurring?


A 3-0 thrashing!

A team effort which ended with a Zbimg hat-trick, ensuring he could finish his last season with the club with 36 goals to his name! But, if it wasn’t for the sublime passing work of Mark Henderson on the left wing, Jose Hernandez heading from the set piece and the turbulent as well as determined run of the captain The Eejit, then those goals wouldn’t have come and neither would….


Would the title!

We had done it!

By beating Doncaster we had established a ten point advantage over then second place Doncaster, which Colchester re-established for themselves, and making it unstoppable from getting us the third league title in three seasons!

And the fans lapped it up as they sang my name in unison after the final whistle!


But the celebration would have to wait for the last home game at the end of the season, and with the title already sealed I decided to take a risk for the last away game against Tranmere as promising striker Sean Walker started over Ryan Jarvis, Henrik Van der Voom, and Lorenzo Zbimg, which he said thanks by scoring the only goal of the game!


For the last home game, it was an emotional experience. I had made my decision for the future and decided to field a team mixed with youngsters, first teamers, want-aways and the forgotten squad members.

Shepard was in goal, Baz played at Left back, Hutchinson and Mullins in the middle of defense and Carvajal retained the right back position.

The Eejit retained the captains arm band and his defensive midfielder role as youngsters Allan and Shane Robinson played in the central midfield role.

Squad member Henderson played on the left winger as Ximo retained his right side, and the man of the season – Lorenzo Zbimg – was given a farewell match up-front.

Marshall, Van der Voom, Yohan Betsch, Billy Knott and Liam made the bench for what would be the last game… of the season.


For the third time I walked out of the tunnel as the master of an accomplishment in the league through the roaring cheers of the emotional and dedicated crowd that was so close to the taste of Premier League football. And for the first actual time, the press emerged with cameras adding more spectacular to the teams accomplishment in what was an extraordinary season of ups and downs.

We felt so many challenges, with key players leaving voids in the team – with multiple occasions of indiscipline – and a personal journey that ended with redemption and closure. All I could was walked into the middle of the pitch, surrounding with the clapping players of both teams and looked around the stadium. It was then the emotion hit me truly, tears welt up. I screamed back to them all.

Niko: Thank you! Thank you so much!


In the emotion of it all, I nearly forgotten about the whole purpose of why I was here – for a thrilling game of football.

And so it was as Henderson headed in Carvajal’s cross 26 minutes in – celebrating by running over to me and hugging me. Which was ruined as Thomas Pope equalised, but that was fixed in the second half with Allan scoring his first ever goal for the club.

We had tested Speroni so many times, but he thwarted everyone including the 36 goalscorer Zbimg on three occasions. And as the whistle blew, we finally had our hands on the trophy.


As the dodgy pop songs started to play in the back ground, I was enthralled by it all – hoping that I never forget this feeling!

In my emotional state I was ushered to do an interview with SkySports.


The journalist had many questions to ask, and even though once I would refuse to answer, I knew now would be the best time to talk.

Journalist: Congratulations Niko! A third title in your third season, and only one more division holding you back from the glory of Premier League football! How does it feel knowing you are close?
Niko: This euphoria is something I will never forget! The fans, the players – both of them was questioned a lot this season if we could continue another back-to-back title win, but we did!
Journalist: After being knocked out of the cup competitions it must have been hard on you, but did you always believe this day could happen?
Niko: Well, we lost a lot of what I would call the ‘core’ of this side. We came into the challenge with young and ambitious players, nobodies, and crafted them into a bunch of stars! I always believed that we could battle through; we have some dents here and there and lost a few good men – but hey, that is life!
Journalist: Remarkably this isn’t the first time you have brought instant success to one of your clubs! Do you put this down to experience?
Niko: I put this down to them! To the fans and players of Newark Athletic! All I did was put out a team to play and get all the attention.
Journalist: You lost your captain Fraser Hemphill earlier in the season, who followed suit with star striker Kowalinho and defenders BobMem and Roddy Hoolihan. And there is reports that there is some that may follow suit! How did you overcome this? And, what is your plans to fix this problem in future?
Niko: To do the job that I was hired.

As I thought that would be all the questions, I was held back for one more question I was expecting.

Journalist: Niko, what do you have to say to rumours that you are to leave in the summer? Are you going on a break? Is there any truth to the rumours? Are you retiring again?

I smiled in response and chuckled in an emotional thought – as the words started to combine in my head, all I could do was one thing.


I shrugged and walked off as the journalist was left dumbfounded with no answer, I re-joined the celebrations, hoping that everyone in the ground would remember this moment – this triumphant moment and day in the history of Newark Athletic.

Of an era about to….


All the crap:

************************************************** **********************************************
English Second Division - Sunday 9th May 2004
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2003/4 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st C Newark 46 19 1 3 59 27 11 4 8 36 28 95
2nd P Colchester 46 16 3 4 51 27 10 4 9 45 47 85
3rd Pl Doncaster 46 14 6 3 42 23 10 5 8 36 28 83
4th Pl Gillingham 46 13 7 3 40 25 10 6 7 28 19 82
5th Pl Leicester 46 15 4 4 52 31 8 7 8 52 48 80
6th Pl Bristol Rovers 46 10 7 6 32 28 11 4 8 44 38 74
7th Sheff Utd 46 14 4 5 46 28 6 7 10 33 41 71
8th Portsmouth 46 14 6 3 42 26 7 1 15 35 47 70
9th Port Vale 46 11 7 5 37 28 8 5 10 25 31 69
10th Coventry 46 10 6 7 34 26 8 4 11 28 33 64
11th Walsall 46 10 8 5 39 33 7 5 11 32 45 64
12th Bournemouth 46 11 7 5 40 24 6 5 12 34 42 63
13th Brighton 46 11 5 7 41 26 6 6 11 30 36 62
14th Crawley 46 11 3 9 33 33 6 7 10 25 28 61
15th Cheltenham 46 10 6 7 36 32 6 7 10 25 33 61
16th Leyton Orient 46 11 5 7 38 30 5 5 13 31 43 58
17th Scunthorpe 46 13 3 7 44 34 3 3 17 26 50 54
18th MK Dons 46 9 4 10 32 32 5 5 13 36 51 51
19th Plymouth 46 7 7 9 29 35 5 8 10 15 29 51
20th Notts Co 46 5 10 8 17 26 6 7 10 22 31 50
21st R Bury 46 9 3 11 29 36 5 3 15 22 47 48
22nd R Tranmere 46 10 2 11 38 42 3 6 14 22 42 47
23rd R Carlisle 46 10 4 9 42 45 3 3 17 27 47 46
24th R Brentford 46 8 4 11 28 33 4 5 14 21 37 45

================================================== ==============================================
2003/4 Goals
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps Gls
1st Jermaine Beckford Leicester 45 36
2nd Rickie Lambert Sheff Utd 38 (1) 28
3rd Lorenzo Zbimg Newark 32 (2) 27
4th Lee Miller Carlisle 46 26
5th Matt Tubbs Bournemouth 44 26
6th Paul Hayes Brentford 43 22
7th Izale McLeod Portsmouth 46 22
8th Paddy Madden Notts Co 41 (1) 18
9th Craig Mackail-Smith Brighton 42 (1) 18
10th Billy Paynter Doncaster 41 18
11th Cody McDonald Gillingham 38 18
12th Elliot Richards Bristol Rovers 37 17
13th Davide Somma MK Dons 38 17
14th Michael Symes Leyton Orient 43 17
15th Andy King Leicester 45 17
16th Caolan Lavery Doncaster 31 (4) 16
17th Karl Hawley Scunthorpe 38 16
18th David Nugent Leicester 46 15
19th Febian Brandy Walsall 46 15
20th Derek Costello Colchester 18 (18) 15
21st Kery Kedze Cheltenham 31 (3) 15
22nd Christopher Scott Crawley 25 (17) 14
23rd Simeon Jackson Sheff Utd 37 14
24th Tom Pope Port Vale 46 14
25th Dave Mooney Leyton Orient 44 14
26th George Bowerman Walsall 44 14
27th Eddie Johnson Gillingham 44 (1) 13
28th Mike Grella Scunthorpe 46 13
29th Will Hoskins Brighton 46 13
30th Gary McSheffrey Coventry 32 (4) 13

================================================== ==============================================
2003/4 Assists
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps Asts
1st Tom Soares Sheff Utd 43 15
2nd Liam Moore Leicester 36 15
3rd Matthew Taylor Leicester 46 14
4th Stephen Gleeson MK Dons 44 14
5th Eddy Wato Newark 39 14
6th Lee Miller Carlisle 46 13
7th Joe Thompson Tranmere 40 (4) 13
8th Craig Forsyth Coventry 31 (2) 13
9th Nicky Adams Leyton Orient 43 (1) 13
10th David Nugent Leicester 46 12
11th Gareth Evans Cheltenham 42 (2) 12
12th Martin Woods Doncaster 43 12
13th Matthew Hutchinson Bristol Rovers 37 (3) 12
14th Dean Whitehead Portsmouth 44 12
15th Keith Ward Colchester 34 11
16th David Prutton Scunthorpe 43 11
17th Ian Henderson Colchester 41 10
18th Darren Carter Cheltenham 46 10
19th Kyel Reid Bournemouth 36 10
20th Prince Buaben Leicester 46 10
21st Michael Doyle Sheff Utd 26 (5) 10
22nd David Worrall Bury 45 10
23rd Dave Syers Doncaster 45 10
24th Jason Banton MK Dons 16 (11) 10
25th David López Brighton 15 (14) 10
26th Haminu Dramani Walsall 34 (5) 9
27th Jim O'Brien Brighton 40 (2) 9
28th Enzo Maresca Brighton 44 9
29th Luke Chadwick MK Dons 40 9
30th Jon-Paul McGovern Carlisle 42 9

================================================== ==============================================
2003/4 Average Rating
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps Av R
1st Jermaine Beckford Leicester 45 8.11
2nd Lorenzo Zbimg Newark 32 (2) 8.00
3rd Calum Davenport Leicester 46 7.72
4th Rob Jones Doncaster 40 (1) 7.71
5th Rickie Lambert Sheff Utd 38 (1) 7.67
6th Ismail Yakubu Cheltenham 42 7.67
7th Eddy Wato Newark 39 7.67
8th Davide Somma MK Dons 38 7.66
9th Lee Miller Carlisle 46 7.65
10th Izale McLeod Portsmouth 46 7.65
11th Scot Bennett Leyton Orient 46 7.59
12th David Marshall Newark 28 7.57
13th Michael Symes Leyton Orient 43 7.56
14th Karim El Ahmadi Portsmouth 40 7.55
15th Neill Collins Sheff Utd 37 7.54
16th Cody McDonald Gillingham 38 7.53
17th Tony Diagné Port Vale 43 7.51
18th Gabriel Badilla Brighton 36 (4) 7.50
19th Matt Tubbs Bournemouth 44 7.50
20th The Eejit Newark 30 7.50
21st David Mirfin Brighton 35 7.49
22nd Stéphane Zubar Bournemouth 28 (1) 7.48
23rd Ian Henderson Colchester 41 7.46
24th Elliot Richards Bristol Rovers 37 7.46
25th David Nugent Leicester 46 7.46
26th Gábor Gyepes Portsmouth 40 7.45
27th Pat Kanyuka Bristol Rovers 27 (2) 7.45
28th Andy Parrish Bournemouth 45 7.44
29th Scott McDonald Portsmouth 27 7.44
30th Gavin Massey Cardiff 27 7.44

================================================== ==============================================
2003/4 Man of Match
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps MoM
1st Lorenzo Zbimg Newark 32 (2) 10
2nd Rickie Lambert Sheff Utd 38 (1) 8
3rd Jermaine Beckford Leicester 45 8
4th Lee Miller Carlisle 46 7
5th Cody McDonald Gillingham 38 7
6th Christopher Scott Crawley 25 (17) 6
7th Rob Jones Doncaster 40 (1) 6
8th Keith Ward Colchester 34 6
9th Mike Edwards Plymouth 39 5
10th Elliot Richards Bristol Rovers 37 5
11th Izale McLeod Portsmouth 46 5
12th Martin Woods Doncaster 43 5
13th Dave Cotterill Portsmouth 30 (8) 5
14th Neill Collins Sheff Utd 37 4
15th Paddy Madden Notts Co 41 (1) 4
16th James Simmonds Walsall 21 (3) 4
17th Jonny Steele Colchester 25 (7) 4
18th Nathan Cameron Coventry 39 4
19th Will Hoskins Brighton 46 4
20th Brian Howard Bournemouth 41 4
21st David Nugent Leicester 46 4
22nd Gavin Massey Cardiff 27 4
23rd Danny Hutchins Brentford 43 (1) 4
24th Simeon Jackson Sheff Utd 37 4
25th Jake Howells Leyton Orient 29 (5) 4
26th Caolan Lavery Doncaster 31 (4) 4
27th Davide Somma MK Dons 38 4
28th Stephen Gleeson MK Dons 44 4
29th Karl Hawley Scunthorpe 38 4
30th Troy Deeney Portsmouth 15 4

All the team stuff:

************************************************** **********************************************
Newark Athletic FC - Sunday 9th May 2004
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
================================================== ==============================================

No Name Position(s) Nat Born Age Caps Gls Wages Expires Value
36 Allan, Andy M RLC SCO 19.6.85 18 - - £1.2K 9.5.08 £110K
37 Bain, Jamie D LC SCO 15.4.81 23 - - £1.1K 26.6.04 £600K
3 Baz D/M LC WAL 10.10.84 19 - - £8K 27.6.06 £160K
27 Betsch, Yohan DM RC FRA 16.2.76 28 - - £800 18.6.06 £375K
32 Boyle, Darren M RC SCO 24.8.86 17 - - £500 6.6.07 £110K
- Brown, Alan D/M LC SCO 12.12.83 20 - - £65 2.6.07 £45K
33 Carvajal, Daniel D R ESP 11.1.81 23 - - £1.8K 14.5.07 £400K
20 Clayton, Mark DM C ENG 21.2.81 23 - - £4.1K 21.6.06 £90K
28 Clifford, Billy M C ENG 18.10.81 22 - - £9K 16.6.06 £525K
- Cohen, Liam D L ENG 18.7.85 18 - - £65 9.6.07 £35K
23 Curtis, Ashley S C ENG 23.6.86 17 - - £325 4.6.06 £85K
- Darlington, Kevin D R WAL 1.7.84 19 - - £65 2.6.07 £35K
- Deane, Aaron S C ENG 13.11.85 18 - - £160 10.6.06 £40K
- Dunn, Christian S C ENG 10.3.84 20 - - £325 10.6.07 £100K
13 Dupuis, Kevin S C FRA 14.1.76 28 - - £650 15.6.06 £250K
31 Fraser, Ryan AM L SCO 1.9.83 20 - - £500 1.6.09 £110K
26 Furman, Dean M C RSA 22.6.77 26 2 - £6.75K 18.6.05 £65K
- Griffin, David D/M RC IRL 5.12.86 17 - - £190 10.6.06 £30K
6 Harriott, Matty M C ENG 23.9.81 22 - - £4.3K 14.6.06 £150K
2 Henderson, Mark D/AM RL ENG 25.5.86 17 - - £9.5K 1.6.07 £170K
- Hodgson, Gareth AM L ENG 9.10.85 18 - - £65 10.6.07 £35K
35 Holland, Jack D C ENG 1.3.81 23 - - £2.9K 25.6.04 £625K
14 Hutchinson, Sam D RC ENG 3.8.78 25 - - £7.75K 28.6.05 £230K
18 Jarvis, Ryan S C ENG 11.7.75 28 - - £7.75K 11.6.06 £500K
12 Jose Hernandez D RLC MEX 28.1.85 19 - - £4.6K 24.6.04 £200K
21 Knott, Billy AM LC ENG 28.11.81 22 - - £1K 7.6.06 £450K
- Lawless, Gary S C IRL 19.8.86 17 - - £375 9.6.06 £120K
11 Liam D RC IRL 26.9.85 18 - - £3.6K 10.5.09 £1M
5 Marshall, David GK SCO 5.3.74 30 5 - £5K 25.6.06 £500K
19 McLaughlin, Conor D R NIR 26.7.80 23 - - £5.75K 11.6.06 £150K
4 Mullins, Johnny D RC ENG 6.11.74 29 - - £2.6K 14.6.06 £210K
17 Nicholls, Alex AM/F RC ENG 9.12.76 27 - - £5.75K 28.6.05 £275K
29 O'Dowd, Colin D C IRL 25.1.85 19 - - £1.6K 7.6.07 £65K
7 Robinson, Shane DM RC IRL 17.12.73 30 - - £4.9K 9.6.06 £140K
30 Robinson, Simon M C ENG 20.12.86 17 - - £350 4.6.06 £50K
- Salonen, Kim AM/F RC FIN 11.2.83 21 - - £2.4K 9.6.08 £60K
1 Shepard GK CAN 11.4.84 20 - - £2.1K 1.6.07 £1M
22 The Eejit DM C SCO 26.2.81 23 - - £4.5K 28.6.06 £575K
10 Van der Voom, Henrik F RLC NED 17.8.83 20 - - £9.5K 26.5.07 £160K
24 Vasily, Artur M C ENG 2.5.81 23 - - £6.25K 19.6.07 £525K
16 Walker, Sean S C ENG 21.2.85 19 - - £120 24.5.08 £170K
8 Wato, Eddy M RLC ENG 1.1.82 22 - - £8K 7.5.07 £210K
- Williams, Gareth D C WAL 10.4.86 18 - - £65 9.6.07 £35K
34 Willis, Liam D RL ENG 21.5.82 21 - - £3.5K 15.5.10 £400K
15 Ximo AM R ESP 12.9.77 26 - - £5.5K 19.5.09 £475K
9 Zbimg, Lorenzo S C ITA 31.12.84 19 - - £7.75K 28.6.06 £1.5M

================================================== ==============================================
2003/4 Senior Club Stats
================================================== ==============================================

No Name Apps Gls Con Pens Asts Yel Red MoM Av R
36 Allan, Andy 2 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 6.50
37 Bain, Jamie 9 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.00
3 Baz 27 0 0 0 3 0 0 0 6.85
27 Betsch, Yohan 5 (2) 0 0 0 1 3 1 0 6.71
32 Boyle, Darren 11 4 0 0 4 1 1 1 7.18
- Brown, Alan - - - - - - - - ----
33 Carvajal, Daniel 17 0 0 0 6 3 0 1 7.47
20 Clayton, Mark 4 (2) 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 6.83
28 Clifford, Billy 37 (2) 10 0 0 10 3 0 3 7.18
- Cohen, Liam - - - - - - - - ----
23 Curtis, Ashley 1 (1) 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 6.00
- Darlington, Kevin - - - - - - - - ----
- Deane, Aaron - - - - - - - - ----
- Dunn, Christian - - - - - - - - ----
13 Dupuis, Kevin 2 (6) 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.25
31 Fraser, Ryan 13 0 0 0 5 0 0 0 7.00
26 Furman, Dean 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 ----
- Griffin, David - - - - - - - - ----
6 Harriott, Matty 11 (1) 2 0 0 2 1 0 0 7.25
2 Henderson, Mark 24 (2) 6 0 1 (1) 3 2 0 0 7.08
- Hodgson, Gareth - - - - - - - - ----
35 Holland, Jack 9 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.00
14 Hutchinson, Sam 7 (1) 0 0 0 2 1 0 0 6.88
18 Jarvis, Ryan 14 (9) 6 0 1 (1) 1 0 0 3 7.30
12 Jose Hernandez 43 1 0 0 3 2 0 0 6.98
21 Knott, Billy 13 (2) 2 0 0 3 1 0 2 7.00
- Lawless, Gary - - - - - - - - ----
11 Liam 38 2 0 0 1 4 1 1 6.87
5 Marshall, David 36 0 34 0 0 1 2 3 7.44
19 McLaughlin, Conor 31 1 0 0 5 1 1 0 7.06
4 Mullins, Johnny 9 (3) 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 6.42
17 Nicholls, Alex 9 (2) 3 0 0 3 0 0 2 7.73
29 O'Dowd, Colin 5 (1) 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.00
7 Robinson, Shane 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 6.00
30 Robinson, Simon 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.00
- Salonen, Kim 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 ----
1 Shepard 8 (2) 0 13 0 0 0 0 0 6.40
22 The Eejit 38 1 0 0 8 10 3 1 7.53
10 Van der Voom, Henrik 26 (6) 12 0 0 4 2 0 2 7.13
24 Vasily, Artur 3 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.00
16 Walker, Sean 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 9.00
8 Wato, Eddy 47 (1) 13 0 1 (0) 15 4 1 3 7.54
- Williams, Gareth - - - - - - - - ----
34 Willis, Liam 16 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 7.31
15 Ximo 11 2 0 0 2 0 0 1 7.36
9 Zbimg, Lorenzo 41 (2) 36 0 0 4 2 0 12 7.95

================================================== ==============================================
2003/4 Transfers
================================================== ==============================================

Date Player In From Fee
3.6.03 Alan Brown Free Transfer Bos
3.6.03 Andrew Jenkins Free Transfer Bos
3.6.03 Kevin Darlington Free Transfer Bos
3.6.03 Ryan Williams Free Transfer Bos
3.6.03 Gareth Hodgson Free Transfer Bos
5.6.03 Anthony Williams Free Transfer Free
10.6.03 Kim Salonen Vejle BK £30K
11.6.03 Shane Robinson FC Haka £90K
12.6.03 Conor McLaughlin Fleetwood £120K
13.6.03 Gareth Williams Free Transfer Free
14.6.03 Liam Cohen Free Transfer Free
15.6.03 Matty Harriott Sheff Utd £18K p/x
15.6.03 Johnny Mullins Peterborough £65K
15.6.03 Ryan Jarvis Torquay £900K
24.6.03 Billy Knott Sunderland £875K
1.7.03 Kevin Dupuis Kortrijk Bos
1.7.03 Alex Nicholls Northampton Bos
21.7.03 Billy Clifford Free Transfer Free
26.8.03 David Marshall Cardiff £1.1M
12.11.03 Colin O'Dowd Stoke Loan
8.12.03 Colin O'Dowd Stoke £85K
3.1.04 Ryan Fraser Aberdeen £140K
7.1.04 Darren Boyle Dundee Utd £200K
11.1.04 Andy Allan Kilmarnock £200K
12.1.04 Jordan Hunt Weymouth Free
13.1.04 Craig Smith Free Transfer Free
13.1.04 Gary Barley Ware £5K
15.1.04 Daniel Carvajal Leverkusen £1.3M
19.1.04 Liam Willis Cardiff £1.6M
30.1.04 Sean Walker Free Transfer Free
20.2.04 Ximo Asteras Tripolis £500K
26.2.04 Jack Holland Crystal Palace Loan
28.2.04 Jamie Bain Ipswich Loan
2.3.04 Andy Johnson Northampton £150K
3.3.04 Tom Thomas Lincoln Utd £18K

Date Player Out To Fee
3.6.03 Roddy Hoolihan Birmingham £1M
3.6.03 Kowalinho Ipswich £1.7M
10.6.03 Drew Talbot Released Free
12.6.03 BobMem Liverpool £95K
15.6.03 Terrance Zannit Sheff Utd Exch
30.6.03 Volkan Ediz Released Free
8.10.03 Diarmuid O'Toibín Millwall £1.9M
2.12.03 Fraser Hemphill Sunderland £5M
30.1.04 Ryan Howarth Released Free
20.2.04 Dean Moxey Released Free
20.2.04 Patrick Bamford Released Free
28.2.04 Ryan Williams Released Free
28.2.04 Steve Webb Released Free
26.3.04 Ross Atkins Coventry £95K
18.4.04 James Hanson Released Free
18.4.04 Andrew Jenkins Released Free

================================================== ==============================================
2003/4 Fixtures
================================================== ==============================================

Date Opposition Ven Competition Res Attend Scorers
24.7.03 Blackpool H Friendly 2:2 10494 Hemphill, Wato
9.8.03 Leyton Orient H Second Division 3:2 10741 Clifford, Zbimg 2
16.8.03 Brighton A Second Division 1:2 19603 Zbimg
19.8.03 Barnsley H League Cup 1st Rnd 5:1 4501 B.Clifford 2, Moxey, McLaughlin, Jose Hernandez
23.8.03 Portsmouth H Second Division 3:0 11781 Hemphill, Zbimg, Wato
25.8.03 Coventry A Second Division 2:1 13186 Hemphill, J.Clarke og
30.8.03 Scunthorpe A Second Division 0:2 6806
6.9.03 Carlisle H Second Division 4:2 8235 Wato 2, Liam, Harriott
10.9.03 Brentford A Second Division 1:0 8920 Liam
13.9.03 Colchester H Second Division 6:4 7876 Wato 2, Zbimg 2, Harriott, Van der Voom
17.9.03 Oldham H League Cup 2nd Rnd 4:3 4224 Wato, Hemphill 3
20.9.03 Bury A Second Division 2:0 7439 Hemphill, Zbimg
27.9.03 Bristol Rovers H Second Division 1:2 11627 Henderson
4.10.03 Sheff Utd A Second Division 1:3 21550 Van der Voom
11.10.03 Walsall H Second Division 1:1 10668 Jarvis
14.10.03 Gillingham A Second Division 1:2 11569 Jarvis pen
18.10.03 Leicester H Second Division 3:0 11789 Wato, Zbimg, Van der Voom
21.10.03 Notts Co A Second Division 3:0 10732 Clifford, Knott, Zbimg
25.10.03 MK Dons H Second Division 3:2 10899 Wato, Zbimg 2
29.10.03 Leeds A League Cup 3rd Rnd 2:1 8720 Zbimg 2
1.11.03 Doncaster A Second Division 0:0 12504
8.11.03 Cheltenham H Second Division 1:0 9830 Zbimg
15.11.03 Barnet H FA Cup 1st Rnd 1:0 2963 Zbimg
19.11.03 Wigan A League Cup 4th Rnd 1:1 6796 Zbimg
22.11.03 Crawley H Second Division 3:2 8904 Zbimg 2, Hemphill
29.11.03 Port Vale A Second Division 1:3 8643 Hemphill
6.12.03 Bishop's Stortford A FA Cup 2nd Rnd 3:0 3095 Nicholls, The Eejit, O'Dowd
10.12.03 Arsenal A League Cup Qtr Final 0:0 54233
13.12.03 Bournemouth A Second Division 0:3 7546
20.12.03 Leyton Orient A Second Division 1:2 5800 Henderson
27.12.03 Brighton H Second Division 1:0 10685 Dupuis
30.12.03 Portsmouth A Second Division 3:0 16997 Jarvis, Nicholls, Knott
3.1.04 Fulham A FA Cup 3rd Rnd 0:2 7907
7.1.04 Plymouth A Second Division 0:0 8486
10.1.04 Scunthorpe H Second Division 3:2 10825 Zbimg 3
13.1.04 Shrewsbury A Vans Trophy North 2nd Rnd 4:5 1547 Zbimg 4
17.1.04 Carlisle A Second Division 3:1 11087 Zbimg, Boyle 2
21.1.04 Coventry H Second Division 3:1 11777 M.Henderson, Zbimg, Wato
28.1.04 West Ham A League Cup Semi Final Leg 1 1:4 27613 Zbimg
31.1.04 Brentford H Second Division 4:1 10732 Jarvis 3, Henderson pen
4.2.04 Tranmere H Second Division 3:2 11212 Boyle, Van der Voom, Dupuis
7.2.04 Colchester A Second Division 2:2 8908 Zbimg 2
14.2.04 Bury H Second Division 0:2 7704
18.2.04 West Ham H League Cup Semi Final Leg 2 0:1 11800
21.2.04 Sheff Utd H Second Division 3:0 11395 Henderson, Wato, Zbimg
25.2.04 Bristol Rovers A Second Division 4:1 11892 Zbimg 2, Nicholls, Boyle
6.3.04 Walsall A Second Division 0:0 7150
10.3.04 Gillingham H Second Division 3:1 10600 Clifford, Van der Voom 2
13.3.04 MK Dons A Second Division 2:0 6133 Clifford, Van der Voom
16.3.04 Notts Co H Second Division 3:1 11455 Wato 2, Van der Voom
27.3.04 Leicester A Second Division 5:4 19093 Van der Voom 2, Clifford 2, Ximo
3.4.04 Plymouth H Second Division 3:0 11275 Van der Voom 2, Clifford
10.4.04 Cheltenham A Second Division 2:0 7048 Ximo, Clifford
17.4.04 Bournemouth H Second Division 0:1 9543
19.4.04 Crawley A Second Division 1:2 4967 Wato
24.4.04 Doncaster H Second Division 3:0 11275 Zbimg 3
1.5.04 Tranmere A Second Division 1:0 11163 Walker
9.5.04 Port Vale H Second Division 2:1 10903 Henderson, Allan

16-07-14, 12:20 AM
Season 3 over.

16-07-14, 07:53 AM
The world of Zan has become remarkably normal since the fall of Phetrology, although it does appear that Nico's violent off-field life has moved onfield. (BTW. That red card for the late tackle was totally unjustified ..... I got there as early as I could !)

Congrats on the league title. Are we going to see another season ? Will we have a new global terror to thwart before they achieve their world domination goal ?

Lynx man of the year .... I can live with that, but it will probably be a reduction in my pulling power.
Taylor Swift killing the AMC ..... Could we not have for once the AMC killing Taylor Swift ?

16-07-14, 09:33 AM

Post-Season Review

It’s that time of year again!

It’s the post-season Review, this time with Board Director Toshio Minamoto!


Minamoto has been a rather silent member of the Newark Athletic hierarchy, but due to the success that the team has just had, he welcomed us to see his views on the best players of the season!

Season Awards

Player of the Season Award
The Eejit
Toshio: “Butcher do good as captain and will be big part of next season surely!”

Young Player of the Season Award
Darren Boyle
Toshio: “Despite coming in late, he made his mark felt on the team! Bright future!”

Most Improved Player of the Season Award
Mark Henderson
Toshio: “He is constantly improving over the years! Big player! Bright future!”

Team Member of the Season Award
Eddy Wato
Toshio: “Scored vital goals, made lots of goals! Midfield maestro!”


Despite having a lot of stick for his public outcry for a move away from the Boltsky Stadium, Lorenzo Zbimg is still loved by the fans as he is named Fans Player of the Season for a third consecutive season – though is likely to be his last.


Eddy Wato was also the only Newark Athletic player named in the English Players’ Team of the Year.

Where are They Now?

Due to the number of core members from our first season moving onward, this year debuts the first ever ‘Where are They Now?’ issue. In this we get a summary of the former Fearless Warriors careers after leaving the Boltsky Stadium.

Hannu Sulonen

The first player sold for £500k to Portsmouth, Hannu (a former midfielder with Bergstrom at THES Sport) has since continued his development, impressing Bergstrom enough to offer to bids for the former warrior – which was denied due to the importance that Portsmouth thought of him.

He has played for the Finnish B Team, even though he has struggled to break into the first team.


John Wood

Used harshly in his season here, the goalkeeper moved for £500k to Leeds United where he has fully established himself as the number one keeper at Elland Road playing 52 games and helping them earn promotion into the Premier League.


Roddy Hoolihan

A former centre-back giant with BobMem, the Boltsky vocal were shocked after his £1 million transfer to Birmingham last year. After a successive season in the Premier League, Hoolihan is now played one game for the Republic of Ireland as he carries seems destined for greater things.



After a season in which he had numerous headlines, the killer-fox in the box wanted to face the limelight – which he certainly didn’t get at Ipswhich. After being left in the reserves, Kowalinho soon got his chance – on the left wing – before impressing and earning a role in the middle.

In 32 games, he scored 9 goals and 1 assist – but with Ipswich being promoted, he will now get the chance to taste the limelight he wanted so much!



After Hoolihan left the club, BobMem started to also want to taste the same limelight as his contract was coming to an end. After rejecting numerous contracts offers from Newark and other teams, he eventually agreed to sign with Premier League giants Liverpool – with Newark getting only £95k from compensation.

Though only amounting 19 games , he seems for stardom as he now has 4 caps for Cyrus under his belt.


Diarmund O’Toibin

An offer too good to refuse for a bad in-form winger, O’Toibin sealed £1.9 million move to Millwall in the First Division. It seems as he moved so did his bad form as he played 38 games but could only manage a 6.74 average.


Volkan Ediz

After being released due to Work Permit issues and hefty positional challenging, Ediz was left untouched for a while until agreeing to move to the USA with FC Dallas. Though Bergstrom did contemplate signing him once more, it seems he has settled in well in his home country – though form wise, he hasn’t done well.


And Finally, the most controversial moves so far…

Fraser Hemphill

After holding up the Vans Trophy, Third Division and Conference titles as captain Hemphill was also the highest regarded player in Newark Athletic FC. His threat on the right wing helped with vital goals in dry spells, and trademark crosses and celebrations. Once seen as the face of the club, he was the highest earner at the club before his departure. The local boy showed no signs of problems within the club until a meeting with a certain player who we can’t name due to legal reasons.

After hassling around for time, Bergstrom finally through in the gauntlet by putting a £5 million bounty on his head, which was won by Sunderland. After becoming a rock star at Boltsky, then a traitor – he has now become a joke as he is rarely used and is left in the reserves for the majority of the season.


That was it all for this season Postseason Review, hope you enjoyed it – and stay tuned for any more Fearless Warriors News!

16-07-14, 09:42 AM
God I'm good !

16-07-14, 09:43 AM
Hopefully four chapters and the post-season review in two days will make do with the delay that occurred.

Will explain whats happening with Niko later on. I know the Where are they now is short, but really hasn't been that long and no-one really has done anything exceptional as of yet.

Stay tuned,

16-07-14, 10:53 AM

Police Called to Bergstrom House Hold


Date Created: Monday 31st May 2004

Police cars was alerted to Newark Athletic manager’s home after a large group of fans pleaded for the boss to remain at the club after rumours emerged of his possible resignation from within the club and social media.

Bergstrom, 28, has been in charge of the Fearless Warriors for the past three years after a two year absence, in which he has brought three consecutive titles and the Vans Trophy. But the latest talk around the club was that after an emotional personal life crisis and a disagreement with Chairman Yermolai Relikovic could mean the end of his tenure as manager.

“It is a well-known fact that Bergstrom has had a history with bad relationships with chairmen and his personal life getting involved with his professional life – but we want to help him through this!” Said head of the group of fans, Barry-Allison Bentley, “He has started something incredible, and we want to see the man who started it to finish it!”

Fans are pleading for rumours not to be true

But the large group seemed to agitate the Croatian as police arrived at the house hold just shy of 1 hour after the group arrived.

“We had received noise complaints and trespassing from an anonymous caller,” said the Spokeswoman of the Nottinghamshire Police. “We cannot confirm nor deny that Mr Bergstrom was the person who called in.”

The fan favourite overcame a possible negative season as he saw his side crash out in all cup competitions earlier than expected – including failing to retain the Vans Trophy – and exhaustion is being rumoured as another possible reason for his resignation.

“The club will not make comment on anything based on hearsay or from unofficial members of the football club on the future employment of Mr Bergstrom,” the club released. “We do not condone our emotional fans to allow such non-factual stories to evoke any disdain towards their club or Mr Bergstrom. We also want to make clear that any information regarding the club will be revealed to our fans when they is anything to report.”

Bergstrom recently led Neark to a historic Third title

There has been enough evidence that maybe Bergstrom is ready to leave Newark Athletic after gaining a new fandom due to his successes. He has the third best record of wins to games in the world, only behind Spanish giants Barcelona and Real Madrid; plus he is tied third best manager on his league exploits, as well as having the most Managerial awards after winning the Second Division Manager of the Year at the end of the season.

“We know he may want to leave due to how well he has done, but we need him! His interview with SkySports gave a vague idea that he seemed ready to leave, and so we wanted him to know he is still needed here!” Added Bentley, “There is few managers like him that could deal with the chairman’s personality and bite one back!”

The chairman, media mogul billionaire Relikovic, 54, has been well known for wanting his team to win the Premier League and Champions League in the same manner his friend, oligarch Roman Ambramovich has with Chelsea.

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRQX_6YkrqmqUJsxgts9ZZP6QndRTDUI mkuHDUETm0oUQY-X8AG
Could tension with the Chairman be why Niko wants out?

But this ambition has also included what most seemed to be as over-zealous expectations for domestic cup success.

“We love how ambitious Yermolai is, and so is Niko, but there has to come a time where we need to rework the team after loosing so many players – and Niko started that last season with young signings!”
As the reports mount up, there is only a few things still clear in the eyes of hopeful fans: Niko still has 1 year left on his contract, he has never left the club by choice when starting from a low league, and finally, that it is also reported that Yermolai has personally arranged a meeting between himself and Niko to talk about the future.

Only time will tell how long the era of Niko Bergstrom can go.

Baron Zbimg
16-07-14, 11:24 AM
Great season once again, and nice recap. Some former players are really impressive. Hopefully you can hang onto Lorenzo one more year. the little bastard is a scoring machine!

16-07-14, 12:20 PM
Niko must stay. If he doesn't, I think that I will be sleeping on the street, which is no place to set up a marmalade bath with Pixie Lotte

16-07-14, 12:44 PM

Bergstrom’s Signs on the Dotted Line!


Date Created: Friday 4th June 2004

Newark Athletic Football Club are proud to announce that after intense negotiations with manager Niko Bergstrom, that he has agreed to a two year extension onto his current contract that was to expire at the end of the new season!

Mr Bergstrom was surrounded with rumours of possibly leaving the Boltsky Stadium after achieving his third title with the club, but the 28-year-old is happy to debunk those rumours and is proud to announce his intention to focus his future to the club.

“After such a brilliant season it would have been stupid of me to say goodbye so early to this brilliant club without making the contribution I agreed to three years ago! I promised to myself, to the fans and to the club that I would take this club into the Premier League, and that is my goal.”

Bergstrom had been rebuilding the squad throughout the last months of last season, which he is keen to carry on.

“With a new level of challenge, we need to build a new team. I have been reassured by Mr Relikovic I would be allowed to sign one player over £1 million, and the rest of the possible transfers to do as I see fit if: firstly, they cost less £1 million and secondly, that enough money would be earned from players leaving the squad.”

Added to the news of Mr Bergstrom’s dedication toe the club, the club would also like to announce the preseason fixtures before the start of the season starting with a preseason cup named especially after the manager: the Nikolavski Cup.

The full fixtures include Bergstroms former club THES Sport, former Newark striker Kowalinho’s Premier League side Ipswich, former Newark captain Fraser Hemphill’s Premier League side Sunderland, Second Division Chesterfield, Premier League West Brom, Premier League side Everton and Second Division side Plymouth.

In response Mr Bergstrom said: “ By facing Premier Leagues as soon as possible, it will encourage and motivate the squad for when we finally get to the promise land. Of course, by the end of the season we will be celebrating once more.”

Preseason Fixtures

Nikolavski Cup
Wednesday 30th June 2004 – Newark Athletic vs. Ipswich
Thursday 1st July 2004 – Newark Athletic vs. TBD

Thursday 15th July 2004 – Chesterfield vs. Newark Athletic
Sunday 18th July 2004 – Newark Athletic vs. West Brom
Wednesday 21st July 2004 – Newark Athletic vs. Everton
Friday 23rd July 2004 – Plymouth vs. Newark Athletic

16-07-14, 01:01 PM
Brilliant collection of updates. The where are they now bit was just right, with enough detail but not being too long.

Pleased with 4 caps and 19 games for the scousers. Hopefully established in the first team now.


16-07-14, 01:58 PM
Hopefully to score in our friendly match :D

16-07-14, 02:01 PM
Niko must stay. If he doesn't, I think that I will be sleeping on the street, which is no place to set up a marmalade bath with Pixie Lotte

you moved out in the second season :P

The house is now Niko and Kesha's sex pad :D

16-07-14, 05:52 PM
Regrouping for the Battle – Chapter 1

After signing the two year extension to my contract, I knew that these were the true three years that would either make or break my career. Thankfully, after a stern talking with Yermolai I was allowed to have full reign over the team – on the condition that changes had to be made.

And what happened?

Was an exodus!


In under a few weeks Ross Aitkens left to Coventry for £95k, Andrew Jenkins and James Hanson was released, Yohan Betsch was sold to Senegal side Jeanne d’Arc for £375k, Shepard left for Charlton for another £375k, Matty Harriot left for Bristol Rovers for £150k.

Total amount earned so far: £995k

Another four players were released (Gareth Hodgson, Kim Salonen, Dean Furman and Sam Hutchinson) which even though would cost the club a large amount of money in compensation, the amount of wages cut would help in the long run.


Next was Liam to Derby for £500k, Simon Robinson to Sheffield Wednesday for another easy £500k, Jose Hernandez left on a bosman back to Mexico with Queretaro, and Johny Mullions was sold for £100k to Rochdale.

Total amount earned: £2.95 million


Coming in was: Matthew Briggs from Fulham on bosman, Gary Stewart from Celtic for £18k, Jordan Orr for £230k from Derby, Fabrizio Cacciatore for £210k from Compostela, and Matt Tubbs on a bosman move from Bournemouth.

Total amount spent: £458k


On the eve of the first game of the ‘Nikolavski Cup’ more signings joined as Roderick Miranda joined for £250k from Vit. Setubal, as well as trialists Rueben Noble-Lazarus, Lee Sawyer and Keanu Marsh-Brown who started the game. We aligned up with the game with a majority of first team from last season alongside the trialists who played up-front, in centre midfield and right-back.

And despite the intrigue of the fans, Kowalinho was not in the starting eleven nor on the bench as we walked out – dragging onto a 1-1 draw thanks to an equaliser from Wato. With knackered legs we were able to seal the win on penalties as the score was 4-2.


In the final we faced Sunderland, who took the mockery of the piss poor THES Sport (with Hemphill scoring one of the 3 goals in a hostile atmosphere) and would play about 61 minutes as the much energised and fit Sunderland squad scored twice in extra-time to win the fake cup. Both goalscorers came off the bench to score as our team looked like a bunch of American fast food tasters!


With 14 days away till the next game, it gave the lads a well-earned rest and five more people to go and pack their bags.

The five were: £625k for Billy Knott, £70k for Shane Robinson, £45k for David Griffin, £100k for Kevin Dupuis, and £180k for Artur Vasily – earning a whopping £1.2 million for basic reserve players.

Total amount earned: £4.15 million

We also added: David Tait for £100k, David Cornell on bosman and Rueben-Lazarus for free.

Total spent: £558k


Against Chesterfield it was the same first eleven from last season plus the defence of Briggs and Miranda and Matt Tubs playing up-front, which added nothing!
But with the introduction of Van der Voom in the second half, we rounded off a perfect performance with a flashy 3-0 away win with a Van der Voom brace and a nice headed goal from Miranda.

Only one player came in as former Chlesea youngster Archange Nkumu came in on a free, and played as a sub in the 1-1 draw against West Brom thanks to a nice first half goal from youngster Sean Walker. Cornell impressed with his first outing as goalkeeper as Miranda carried on his good defensive performance.

Despite interest some of the transfer listed players didn’t seemed to be bidded on with stars like Jarvis, Zbimg, and Billy Clifford waited for their transfers out – which made the Everton game a lot more miserable.

A bore draw, but a thrilling defensive showing from young defender Briggs, and with the last game, the team was exhausted and shockingly lost 0-1 to Third Division Plymouth showed how much the team had worked.

We were then drawn into the First Round of the League Cup, a cup I wanted to win before the end of my contract, maybe this could be the year?



An easy opponent from the Third Division, though we still had to be wary of Carl Fletcher and his men, as we already tasted the sting of an up-set in a Cup earlier in the year.

More were recruited into the team as I tried to add more depth into areas that I felt we need to enhance. Zeli Ismali from Wolves and Ryan Hall from Third Division side Southend came in for a combined £1.25 million, creating a nice thick fodder for the wings, but I still searched for a first choice left-winger – feeling that youngster Ryan Fraser would have the ability at the moment to coherently add as much threat. Tibor Cica also joined to add more depth in the centre of the midfield with Clifford looking set to leave, and £525k the 21 year old looked like a steal!


It felt like happy times as the squad was being moulded until Ipswich bidded a £2.5 million offer for Mark Henderson out of the blue! The young winger maestro had a release clause in his contract that I had completely forgotten about – and despite offering him an improved contract, Henderson became another casualty of the Preimer League vultures!


In retaliation, I signed the one played I could get for over £1 million – a left winger that I felt would add enough to the team to get us firing up to the top of the table!


Franco cost me £1.6 million from Italian club Palermo, and looked set to be a key player in what would be a fight against those who stole our Warriors! And now, we will avenge their fallen dignity in a long war!

Total Players In

Total Players Out


19-07-14, 12:59 AM
The Fame – Chapter Two

After the terrific season we had last year, and from the drama that arouse from the whole ‘resignation’ rumour, a lot of media attention came our way, especially towards me!

As even as I walked out of my home to grab the mail from the mail-box just a few centimetres from my front door, I was hounded by the parasites looking for an exclusive scoop.


And with a secret relationship on the cards, it caused a little tension to the longest REAL relationship that I had in a long while with Kesha.


Niko: Fucking paps are outside!

I said as I walked into the kitchen, as Kesha drank he morning coffee.

Niko: What is with these sick people?
Kesha: It’s only going to get worse….

As she said that, we decided to come to a conclusion, Kesha would no longer live here as long as paparazzi hounded me, and instead would go back to LA to finish off her latest album and then start her tour – meeting up whenever she was back in England. But my house wasn’t the only place bombarded by the fame, with the training ground also another target of the apocalyptic excrement ridden insects, as they hindered my car as I trained to enter the facility.


Crawling through the crowd of vultures, I was able to watch as the new crowd got ready for the start of the season – just a few days shy. After watching Lorenzo still putting his all in at training, with no exceptional interest from any of the clubs, I decided that he would play up-front for the season opener.

Marshall, Eejit, Carvajal, Wato and Liam Willis would retain the positions they had established last season, as Matthew Briggs and Roderick Miranda would start as the new first choice centre backs, Croatian Tibor Cica would play along-side Wato, Franco Vazquez played on the left wing and Zeli Ismail would play on the right wing.

As for the subs, only two of the players would have already played for the club before as: David Cornell was back-up goalkeeper, Fabrizio Cacciatore (known now as Fabzio Cacatore) as the versatile defender, Ryan Hall was the pacy winger, Henrik Van der Voom was the Super-Sub, and Mark Clayton was the safe choice.

But during the break, Joel Power came up to me.


Niko: Alright Joel? You kind of look less – Powerful!
Power: I am kind f concerned that we will get whooped, I mean some of these lads are new to the division! Some can’t talk English, some are not fitness ready – I am kind of concerned for you. I mean, I saw the crowd of paparazzi that came to get a picture of you, instead of the Perfect One – aka me – and I don’t think you can handle that pressure!
Niko: Fuck off! I can deal with a little fucking media attention thank you very much!

I said as I bit into my lunch, Joel shaking his head as he saw my cheese burger with bacon, chicken nuggets and fries.

Power: You eat so much crap, smoke and don’t even exercise – how the hell are you in such good shape? Hell, how haven’t you had a heart attack or stroke? It’s like you’re super-human or something!
Niko: Guess I am kind of gifted!

I said smiling, as the ketchup from my burger landed onto my lap. As Joel walked away in dismay, I wiped off the mess with a sudden muscle pain emerged.

Niko: That’s odd…

I said, knowing that maybe I should get to the gym soon and work more on my muscles.

Niko: Maybe I can get a modelling gig after toning up some more.

As I made plans for signing to a gym membership, I threw away the near-full meal into the bin and got ready for the evening training session.


But would the training work, would Joel be right?

Well of course not!


We had picked up from where we had left off last season – in title winning form!

A 4-0 home win (The Eejit ’27, Cica ’36, Zbimg ’53 ’83) over Sheffield Wednesday was the start off an amazing winning streak as the team progressed more and more into a unit! With wins from an away 1-4 drubbing of Bolton (Zbimg ’24, Cica ’52 ’59, Wato ’87), to a comfortable 1-3 away win (Van der Voom’35, Zbimg ’45, Willis ’56) in the League Cup against Aldershot – which seemed unbeatable!

And even when the second Round of the League cup was announced, I was still comfortable:


Everton, the same team we was to stagnate without fully knowing our best eleven, would know feel the full force of the team that looked set to be score galore. Of course my confidence in the team grew as did the results.


With the end of the of August we were undefeated, and scored 18 goals in only 5 games, 7 of which was accounted to Zbimg alone! Cica also impressed with 5 goals in his debut season more than likely justifying his £525k move, and looked he more possible to impress!

And the accolades would go would go for myself for August as Manager of the Month, Zbimg for Young Player of the Month and Cica for Player of the Month – triple accolades for the Newark men!


For the first game of Ismail and Briggs was dropped for Van der Voom and Jordan Orr, who had just recently signed from Wigan, and was involded with Middlesbrough 3-0 away win, but it was Zbimg who took the headlines with a terrific hattrick!

In a rather boring 1-1 draw at home against Doncaster, we showed a possible issue with the team as Zbimg was rested for Van der Voom to take the striker mantel and Ryan Hall got his debut – however the only goal was from the captain The Eejit, who had been a Godsend after his initial shaky debut season 3 year ago.

The next game was against also promoted side Colchester, in which in the last two meeting resulted in some dramatic matches:


But this was more like a conventional result then an dramatic or interesting one as the lads once again scored the amount of goals that looked like the norm so far this season. 4 goals against 1, Colchester was humiliated as it wasn’t a single player take the limelight but a whole team effort. Van der Voom on the 32nd minute, Cica in the 51st minute, Ximo on the 67th minute and Wato ended the rout on the 81st minute to give the game the applaudence it deserved!


But it was semi-shaken as news spread of an knock that Marshall had taken in the game resulted in a lengthy injury to our first choice goalkeeper:


So 16 year old Dave Tait was on the bench as David Cornell would replace the injured David Marshalls – it then struck it seemed I had a fetish for goalkeepers with the name of Dave. As I shook off the image of a pair of goalkeeper gloves laying on the floor, it was down to the game.


After David Moyes (yet another Dave!) leaving the club for Arsenal, which he got sacked from in June after two years, Mark Hughes was the replacement and has achieved a 6th and 4th position in the Premier League in his two years of management, but hasn’t been able to do well in the domestic cups. Hoping that by playing at home, as well as the impressive 4-1 win, we could take the momentum behind us and seal a solid victory.


The Everton fans were loud and fully behind the team for an easy win against us, which nearly came good as Oviedo tested Cornell in the first five minutes. Two minutes later we recorded out first decent chance of the game as Cica’s volley struck against the cross bar, the home fans squealing out in agony as they thought the midfielder could add to his impressive tally.

But three minutes later, The Eejit lofted the perfect ball forward for Vazquez to slot in to give us the lead after only ten minutes played!



The former Palmero man celebrated with his famous grabbing of the ears, as the fans sang in jubilation. Chances came closer and closer for both sets of teams as the half drew on, but neither team could break the mesh of the net.

After half-an-hour of the first goal, we had another break.


Ximo did a devasting curling ball into the far ball as Tibor Cica ran to chase for another chance! He jumped in the air and….


Head it in!

2-0 with five minutes left of the half!

The player was ecstatic, the fans were ectastic, I was ecstatic, and if I had a Nan, she would be!

A shock 2-0 as the whistle blew, with Everton looking for a miracle to get back into the game after the stubborn defence and the wall of Cornell in front of goal!


As the lads came into the locker-room, the talk was simple.

Niko: Hold the fuck on, and we have won!

I screamed as they walked back onto the pitch with the instructions ringing in their heads. By they did the opposite!

Cica had another chance squandered, Wato with another one saved: this side want more goals, and Everton looked like headless chickens! The supposed ‘Premier League’ team was playing like shambles and didn’t know how to deal with this sort of play! But, they got luckier as the chances came, as either Mucha saved them or they went wide.


The man was the only thing keeping them within a chance of Hell to somehow get back into, but they just couldn’t!

As so came a sort of circle – we wanted to score but they defended, and they defended but wanted to score. And in the end the whistle was blown and we were through to the next round of the League Cup!


The stats of the game showed our dominance we had throughout both halves – giving them only 2 shots on goal and the ultimate message to the Premier League was sent, ‘We are on our way, and ready to cause a fucking storm!’


If some stupid people thought that our cup run could damage our league form, then they are what they thought!

Days afterwards, the form continued with a 5-1 home win against Derby (Zbimg ’27 ’31 ’75, Cica ’45, Vazquez ’75), and another 4-1 home win against Swansea (Zbimg ’22 ’89, Willis ’25, Orr ’64) to end September as undefeated, once more we were in the accolades.

I won the Manager of the Month for the second time in a row and Lorenzo Zbimg won Player of the Month, at the same time that the League Cup 3rd draw occurred with us facing:


Manchester United. At Old Trafford.

It seemed that we would finally face a more harder task, as we faced Jurgen Klogg’s men, they were fighting for the Tottenham’s title and I hoped that due to that intensity they would either be tired or play the youth team – making it considerably easier for us to win.

BUT, that wasn’t the only news we received that day as the latest twist in the Zbimg saga came around:


Despite numerous contracts offers that he had rejected before, and the interest of other teams, it seemed like that the club’s top goal scorer of all time was going to leave for about half the price I wanted him to – valued £1.6 million by others. Shrugging it off, I decided instead to turn my attention towards the next month of results.


We started the month with a close shave as Aston Villa earned a point in an away 2-3 win (Ximo ’20, Orr ’90, Zbimg ’90), but thanks to the late goals, we kept our undefeated streak going – despite only able to convert 3 goals from a total 23 chances!

More twists arrived on the desk as a contract was offered to Zbimg:


Moving to Brazil wouldn’t be the ideal move I would go for, but seeing as they are the only team willing to take a punt at him, at least they were a big team in their contry.

And on the eve of the Millwall game, and only four days since the contract was offered, it was confirmed:


Leaving in December did offer me a problem, and thus I decided to offer a firm chance to Matt Tubbs, the man I had signed after a gracious 32 goals scored last season – and speaking of former goal scoring strikers I had signed on assumption, I was finally able to sell Ryan Jarvis for £500k as he left for Colchester – knowing it might bite me on the ass the next time we met, I knew it was just a part of the game!


And Tubbs didn’t disappoint!

As in the 3-0 home win, it was Tubbs brace and a fortunate own goal, that allowed us to carry on amazing form and add more to the title that we wanted so much!

But despite his good performance, I just wanted to allow Zbimg to break the goals he needed to reach 100 leagues goals for the club before he left, and he certainly helped 6-1 away thrashing of local-rivals Nottingham Forest!


But we then were finally defeated by Hull at home, in a gruelling game that we couldn’t get back into, despite trying!


Even worse that it was at home, it was a shocker of a performance from Cornell who I didn’t want to be replaced by the inexperienced Tait, and instead I had cross my fingers and hoped that the team could bounce back – which they so nearly did!


Thankfully, Marshall returned just in time for the 4-0 away win against Wigan (Zbimg ’25 ’32 ’61, Wato ’63) and Zbimg scored his 19th, 20th and 21st of the season – which he added to with the 4-0 drubbing of Barnsley at home (Ximo ’34, The Eejit ’54, Zbimg ’74, Wato ’84) but not in the last game of October, as we beat 10-man Burnley away 2-1 (Cica pen 28, Orr ’80) to which came with…

Another Manager of the Month award for me and Player of the Month for Zbimg as well as the potential oppenents for the 4th Round of the League cup:


Yeovil would be the easiest option, though just seven days after the Manchester United game – it would be a more reserve/youth team playing IF we could beat Man United.

But, only time would tell….

19-07-14, 06:54 AM
Zbimg was always going to be hard to keep hold of in that sort of form. Shame not to get more for him but at least he's leaving the country, so won't score a hattrick against you in a future game!

His record this season must be phenomenal!

22-07-14, 10:18 AM
Proud captain.
Only club I ever wanted to play for.
Kisses the badge after every goal.

Baron Zbimg
22-07-14, 10:32 AM
What a dick Lorenzo is! Corinthians ???!
Stay at Newark!

Great start this season, hopefully this will go on after LZ departs.

22-07-14, 06:43 PM
Thanks for the support guys, hopefully i will get the next one up today or tomorrow, and then another one by the end of the month (maybe two?).

So might have finished the season by the end of the month, wanted to 'rush' these out to get the story on a bit, after periods of being stagnated due to other shit getting in the way.

23-07-14, 05:51 PM
Aiming for Glory – Chapter Three

As the month of November began, the anticipation of the Manchester United game grew larger. And the bus ride up to Manchester was one of determined and focus silence, the lads knew who would play on the field – the same team that had claimed the first place position! As we entered the realm of football glory, I cracked my fingers and awaited the stop at the hotel we were staying at.


If we had time, maybe the lads could have gotten a site-seeing expedition, but frankly there was only one real reason anyone would come to Manchester, to visit the Theatre of Dreams – Old Trafford.


As the hours counted down, news broke of the team we would be facing:


Though there was still some youngsters – there was some worrisome names such as De Gea, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Michael Carrick and Ashley Young on the team sheet that could turn the game on it’s head. But, with belief and hope I remained positive as the lads walked alongside them down the tunnel for the game.


The United fans sang out the little away support we had, the atmosphere was hostile adding more onto the young shoulders of the players – but as the game started, they seemed unfazed!

After winning a free-kick after Carrick pushed Vazquez, the ball was lofted into the box by Wato – as Orr jumped to reach the ball high: which was easily dealt with, though Carrick was soon out muscled by Wato.


Carrick’s lack of strength allowed us to charge, Orr was still in the box as Wato lobbed it forward. A nice downward header to the ground – it looked like De Gea was going to save….


But a toe poke out of nowhere from Lorenzo Zbimg allowed us to score the first goal of the game with only 3 minutes on the clock!!

But then it seemed neither side wanted to get into the game for the next 13 minutes, until Wato had a free kick which hit the crossbar.

22 Minutes in, Man United finally had a chance after Carvajal went in harshly into Angelo Hernandez, which was cleared by the wall for a corner, which Young couldn’t convert into a goal scoring opportunity.


Young then had a long shot from goal, which was stopped skilfully by Carvajal who turned defence into attack!

Passing it forward to Ximo, Ximo dribbled round the left back and passed it to the legs of Zbimg - who did a one chance cross for Cica whose header was just wide of the goal! We were schooling the United lads, and doing it proudly as the away support had more fire to spring into action with.


The fans sung louder as they saw Marshall save after save his team from conceding, every player on the pitch wanted this win!

And it was a Carrick corner that was cleared that rung out the final echoes of the first half! Lorenzo’s name was the only highlighted words upon the score board, and wanting more, I decided to make a change – Van der Voom would replace Vazquez after finding it difficult to get into the game, I hoped with his presence it would carve more runs for the lads in midfield and Ximo to come in forward.


Without Franco’s help, Van der Voom helped dictate the next passage of play. Inflicting the determination with creative and powerful running into spaces, he crafted numerous oppertunites to add to the score which was dealt quite well from the back-line.


Klopp’s men really struggled to get into the game, despite bringing on Powell, Fletcher and Allison, they didn’t help break the invitable.


Manchester United captain and reliable midfielder Bastian Schweinstieger launched himself into the air, but the man he was facing was no push-over! The Midfielder Butcher, the Leader of Warriors, the Crazy Scotsman, the Lynx Man of the Year – captain The Eejit jumped in the air to cause a catalytic eruption as his head powered the ball forward to Tibor Cica to power on through the remainder of home sides midfield and pass it nicely into the box – the man of the season was free, Lorenzo Zbimg with only his second clear chance took it nicely…


And seconds later would be sliding onto his knees after scoring his second, and the game killer! 15 minutes left on the clock and with a 2 goal advantage, Man United couldn’t handle us anymore and it was over!


After the celebrations, we were told the already confirmed news that we would face Yoevil in the next round:


And with another away day, it looked grander!


As I came back from Old Trafford, and now the Theatre of Broken Beliefs, I decided it was finally time to go to the gym, especially as the Manchester United result added more interest – plus the fact that Kesha said I would be able to see her for at least another four weeks.

But as I got there, I found that temptation was a little easier to come by. Every where I went, I couldn’t help but find myself a little unfocused and tested….



To the weight lifting…


Hell, even in the hall way to the changing rooms, there was some ‘connection’…


I put in my headphones and just listened to my music for the next couple of hours, draining out the environment and reminding myself of Kesha – the one I was after for so long and now had.


After the temptation game, it was straight back to the game of football.

And it was straight back to business with a 6-0 demolishing over Southampton (Ximo ‘3, Orr ‘7, Miranda ’24, Wato ’36 ’79, Zbimg ’84) in the league which followed with a predictable 3-1 away win against Yeovil in the 4th Round of the League Cup, Van der Voom grabed a brace as Walker scored in his first start of the season – in a team that gave Darren Boyle (who got one assist), Mark Clayton (Who got one assist also), Zeli Ismail, and Baz their first starts in the Cup, and for some, the season.

After the game we were introduce to our enemies for the Quarter Final, and after having faced and beaten Manchester United this year and barely beating Arsenal last year, I was more confident that we could prevail no matter the opposition:


And then we saw the actual draw, and I laughed myself into a fit – the ended with me needing oxygen. We had definitely made it into the Semi-Finals.

But the news did seemed to unsettle us to a 2-2 draw away to Wolves (Wato ’10, Cica ’15), and then only scoring one goal against Watford at home (Cica ’65), with The Eejit suffering a gashed leg – and a 2 week rehabilitation. But with the abscene of our captain, we were able to bounce back with an impressive 5-0 away win against 10 man Blackpool (Cica ’22 pen 79’, Van der Voom ’42 ’45, Clayton ’70) but really it was one more injury that shook the headlines:


The injury had basically ruled him out of the last few games that he had in a Newark Athletic shirt. The fan favourite and prolific striker had to watch as we secured the Semi-Final position in the League Cup:

With a brilliant performance by Tibor Cica, Lorenzo cheered on the team he was leaving in the stands with the fans that had adored every moment of his Newark career – and all I could hope for was that I could find a player that could plug the Zbimg shaped hole in the attack!


The first challenge was against former Premier League fodder Stoke – but that came to our second defeat in the league as they ran off with a 0-2 away win despite Marshall’s heroics. But never a person to break the mould! We bounced back with a 4-1 away victory with Huddersfield being the slaughted (Vazquez ’45, Wato ’46, Cica ’63, Ximo ’77), which was followed with a comfortable 2-0 home victory against Bolton (Van der Voom ’24, Cica ’31) and in the crowd for the final time was Zbimg, who despite already officially joined Corinthians four days ago, was given a few extra days due to his injury and the fact the Brazilian season was already over – screamed as he watch Cica get his 15th of the season.

Lorenzo Zbimg was only 7 league goals from getting 100 for the club, most goals in a single match with 5 in the home against Wrexham, as well as having most Man of the Match with 16 in his first season.


This season ended tremendous for him, and would no doubt break even more records if he had stayed till the end of the season – but no matter what he would always be remember for the triple season Fans of the Year and prolific goal scoring legend he will always be.


The Crystal Palace 2-1 away win (Tubbs ’74, Ximo ’77) was only possible after Tubbs introduction in the 60th minute to replace the injured Franco Vazquez, pushing Van der Voom on the left and took the leading line like a boss! He added this in the 2-2 home draw against Norwhich (Tubbs ’51 ’55) as well as a 3-0 visiting victory over Sheffield Wednesday (Tubbs ’44 ’71, Edgar og. 45) getting five goals over the Christmas period and helping us lead the table for the ending of the Year.


But without Kesha here, I felt alone and instead spent most of Christmas just spending time either at the gym or drinking, until I was approached by the BBC to do a New Year’s Eve special Graham Norton show. I would be the first football manager on the show, and I also thought that it would both: kill some of grievances of the paparazzi hounding me, and the loneliness I would feel knowing I wouldn’t see Kesha on yet another special day.


Graham: Everybody welcome our New Year’s guests! He is the famed actor Leonardo Dicaprio, TV Presenter and genuine celebrity hound Avid Merrion, and the infamous manager of First Division side Newark Athletic, Niko Bergstrom!

We all crammed round the small sofa as the camp Irish host greeted us with an array of alcoholic drinks. Going for a White Russain, the discussions varied from interesting stories, annoying and pestfull jokes – none that really challenged me as they were more bounced off the other two guests.

Graham: So, Niko, this is your fourth year in charge of Newark Athletic, right?

Niko: I can make your research correct – it has indeed been four years.

The crowd applauded as the fat Phil Mitchell look alike stared the barrel of his AK47 at them.

Graham: And you have achieved so many things in those three years, and look set for even MORE this year!

Niko: Well, I am successful – yeah, I can agree with that. Any other things you want to pinpoint

Graham: Okay, okay – but is it true that you were so lonely during Christmas that you got drunk and climbed the Mary Magdaline Church naked?

Niko: Another great accomplishment to my name, I might add.

Graham: But isn’t it true you didn’t even check the draw for the League Cup Semi-Finals or the 3rd Round of the Fa Cup?

Niko: The fact that YOU are reading them out says it’s true!

Graham: Well, we have them here for you, right now! And don’t worry, if you get drunk and want to climb the stage, i am willing to help you down.

He said cheekily, making the fat Phil Mitchell aim down at the audience – they laughed. Soon the news was facing me at the screen:


Niko: Well! It looks like I might meet an old friend for two games!

Graham: Yes!! Kowalinho, if that is his real name, was a former Newark player – right?

Niko: Yeah – and he bitched and whined when he met a whore and moved to Ipswich.

Graham: But didn’t you shag that whore?

Niko: That’s why she is a whore!

Graham: Fighting words! Anyway, back to you being naked-

As he said that, the fat Phil aimed his gun with another dosage of fake laughter, forcing me to say my scripted line.

Niko: Oh you would love to see that now, Graham wouldn’t you?

Graham: Maybe

He said like a horny schoolgirl. I held in my fist, resisting the urge to smack his face in on national television.

Graham: Anyway, is that because you were alone?

Niko: Yes. So that’s why I am here, with one freak, one poor unlucky bastard and an over-zealous, out-played camp character that hosts a show that is subjected more down to the societal idolisation of false images of ‘success’ and ‘talent’ and them trying to fathom the boring, spoilt and robotic personality and lives they have – just so they don’t feel redundant in the lives they get paid about one percent for twice the work that the ‘idols’ do!

The crowd was shocked, as was the abused host and guests – with the fat Phil Mitchell in confusion to what to do. He aimed his gun with shaking hands, which went fired off a bullet into the brain of a mannequin crowd member.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Phil Mitchell killed AMC!
Phil: You b:censored:!

But because it wasn’t really live, and also because it was a mannequin, Graham carried on – finishing the show by introducing the singer thati knew I wouldn’t want to look at. It was a female pop-singer someone I know would remind me of her….

Graham: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome, with her single ‘Surprise!’ it’s Kesha!!

I spun round and clapped like wild as her name was mentioned, and soon I finally saw her!


After five minutes, she walked over to the sofa with a gigantic smile as Graham introduce her to Avid, and Leonardo.

Graham: And Kesha this is Niko-

But before he could finish the introduction I had already lunged onto her and kissed her, which caused a large reaction.

Graham: Well, that’s one way to say hello!

Despite the stupid jokes, it was a magical night as myself and Kesha went home, knowing that by the time we had called in the New Year, our relationship and as well as my profile as a ‘celebrity’ would rise higher than ever before.

New Year’s Eve.


What a magical day of the year!

23-07-14, 05:57 PM
So, me and Niko are not friends?

23-07-14, 09:23 PM
This thread is much better with pictures :), which don't seem to display on my phone :(

31-07-14, 09:12 AM

BUT, it will a big one MAJOR update (then a little one afterwards) introducing new characters (because i am bored!).


THEN Season 3 AND 4 completed in ONE month ;)

Remember if behind, all chapters/updates/news/honours/kits are in the first post ;)

31-07-14, 04:00 PM
A Daily Story covered in Morning Glory – Chapter Four

Well, as kind of expected after the outburst and the acknowledgement of our relationship, the intensity rouse higher than the USA’s interest in a country after an oil discovery. So with the New Year came a lot of shit that was covered in dung flies.


They covered all the ground around the house, feeling like a superhero, I once more grabbed my costume:


And climbed to the roof and targeted the crackling and hissing leeches that were cramping themselves into the exterior walls of my house. As I watch them start to fight with one another, I put on my dark shades and looked into the sky – the sun reflecting into the side of them to make bad ass imagery. I leaped into the air, aimed down towards the middle of the back garden and smashed into the ground – the impact zone being the audience of paparazzi who were sent flying and crushing to their deaths.

As the raining dead bodies fell, and in the flashes of their cameras, my love interest emerged from the house.


Kesha: Oh MY HERO!

She said in a joking tone.

Niko: I don’t do it for free, you know….

And so I got….

My kryptonite – a kick to the balls, killing the amazing (miraculous) child that could have been given life.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Kesha killed AMC….
Neighbour: You b:censored:!

As she started to walk away, she smirked to herself.

Kesha: Don’t be a pig!

As she said that, she was soon stopped by an emerging ‘creature’.


Pig: And what is wrong being a pig?

Said the angered half-pig/half-human creature, as he stepped closer towards Kesha.

Pig: What is wrong with you humans? You are so animalistic! Wait….
Kesha: Err….Niko…SuperZan….Help me!
Niko: Can’t! They are in mourning!!

I screamed!


This went on for a while….


…And more came….

Kesha: Okay, your family was butchered!
Pig: How dear you!

He oinked out… Hahaha…

Get it?

He’s a pig?

Pig’s go oink?

Fuck you!

Pig: Why did you have to remind me of Father, Brother-
Niko: WE GET THE FUCKING POINT!!! What do you want?
Pig: Well….

He said spinning round, as dramatic music emerged from him as he spun round to reveal:


Pig: To kill you all with this knife!
Niko: You do know that is made of rubber?
Pig: Yes! And all humans are allergic to rubber and will die from rubber poison!
Kesha: And how does that happen?
Pig: I scratch it against the surface of your skin into you have rashes and then you callopse and die!!
Niko: Nope. It just… well does nothing. You sure was lied to!
Pig: What? But I bought this from cat named ‘Zirra’! I thought cats were nice?
Niko: Cats are jerks!

He then turned around and left oinking away as he cried, leaving a rather mysterious/confusing atmosphere.

Niko: That was real right? I mean, I am not being bat-shit crazy again, am i>

I watched in relief as Kesha nodded.



New Year but nothing has changed at the Boltsky Stadium as the results came flourishing in! A Happy New Years with a 3-0 demolition at home over sadden Middlesborough (Wato ‘3 ’60, Ximo ’45) and a collective convincing home 3-1 win over 10-men Leeds in the FA Cup Third Round, Vazquez scoring 7 minutes in, Cica added a second with a 26th minute penalty after Ruddy’s red card tackle – and completed with the 10th goal from Van der Voom on the hour mark, meaning we would face:


Manchester City.

Another Manchester club would stand in our way, but despite not having Zbimg on our ranks, as always – I am confident of beating Roberto Mancini’s men, whose success in anything was being runners-up and dwelling in the top 10.

But as usual we could wait for our trip to then!


Instead we had an 4-2 away victory against Doncaster (Wato ‘9, Cica ’28, The Eejit ’58, Van der Voom ’83) as well as a traditional 2-1 home win over relegation zoned Swindon (Hall ’39, Cica ’84) blocking us from the face-down against former-Newark men Mark Henderson and Kowalinho in the first leg of the Semi-Final of the League Cup!


Though we were still blighted by the injury of Ximo, that occurred a couple of weeks back:


Ryan Hall was able to step up as we marched toward Portman Road, eager to show both Henderson and Kowalinho that their decisions to leave for Ipswich was a BAD decision!


Both of the lads would play with Henderson on the left, and Kowalinho up-front after he impressed. Before kick-off, against all public speculation, me and Kowalinho both shook each other hands:


Though tight as both of us was confident that we would out-do one another.

Niko: Nice to see you’re doing well.
Kowalinho: You too! Though, I mean if I say correctly, you won’t be that way after we beat your sorry bums!
Niko: Nice joke! Still the comic I see.

With that we went onto the positions we were signed too as the game began!


If you could call that sorry first half a game, I mean!

A stalemate after 45 minutes in which the only true highlight was a yellow card for (yet another) former Fearless Warrior Dean Moxey!

Feeling the urge that a change was needed, I pushed Van der Voom onto the right wing with Hall coming off, and Matt Tubbs to come on.


And the change of Van der Voom on the right anchoring both Henderson and Moxey on the home sides left, as Van der Voom did a nice passed towards Carvajal to run on and hold the ball – only to wait as Van der Voom pounced into the box for the cross which meet his rising foot and…..


…went over the bar.

The empathise on the right was enough to force the Imps manager Paul Ince to make two changes, as Kowalinho and James Bailey came off for Gary Dawson and Morgan Schniderlin.


But all that did was add more options for us to attack! As The Eejit lofted the ball forward towards Cica, who then found space to pass to Vazquez who dribble past everyone for a perfectly timed cross….


Which was headed in by the half-time sub Matt Tubbs for first goal of the game!

And in response they tried to attack back, but lacked the naturally finish, which we had so much of! A free kick given away 30 yards away resulted with a nice lobb by Wato which was combined with the instinctive finish of Cica, who headed in the second!


And Wato added one for himself just four minutes later to kill the game off with a nice rebound pot shot!


But the celebrations were silenced after Tubbs was forced off the field of play with only 7 minutes of play. Ismail came on to play on the right as Van der Voom resorted back to the position he originally started at – but it was already over!

We will hold a comfortable lead into the second leg, at home, and would SURELY be into the Quarter-Final of the League Cup!


As we watch Paul Ince struggle with the possibility of relegation and no rebound cup success since taking over on the 16th January, I was laughing in comfort with the possibility of putting more failure onto his debut season – while extending the greatness of my whole career!

But next was the game of the season (well second) as we were hosting Manchester City, this was something I wanted to make sure with the hospitality organiser – the new guy.


???: Mr Bergstrom, I am Kevin Nobody – I am in-charge of arranging the hospitality of visiting teams and both home and away fans. And if I could say so myself, to a grand level! So grand, they should call me a PARTY PLANNER!!!

He said sniggering.

Nobody: Get it? Hahehahehahe!
Niko: Riiiight. So Neville, show me where the Man City players will be staying for the night?
Nobody: It’s Kevin. Basically, because we are not normally hosting a place to stay – I had to arrange a last minute acquittance.
Niko: Good job, Nigel!
Nobody: It’s Kevin, sir.
Niko: Yeah, whatever.

I pushed through him and looked round the corner to see the spaces that the City players would be staying for the night BEFORE the game.


I burst out laughing.

Nobody: Mr Bergstrom! I have put all my work into this! I would duly note it if you wouldn’t mock it!
Niko: Oh, Voldermort! You have done an excellent!
Nobody: Well even though – my name is Kevin by the way – I wouldn’t like you to laugh at my job!
Niko: No, it’s not funny because you have a shitty job, but more that this prima donnas will have to put up with THAT!

I screamed in a fit of laughter as I pointed once more to the ‘housing’ area. Before I could die of laughing, I shook Victor’s hand and went back home to rest myself before their arrival tomorrow.


As the team bus arrived, the streets were packed – because it was the new parade in appreciation of Marmalade and Nutella (showcased by Lord Theodore Captain Jean-Luc Priccard Eejit), known as MnN – I wastched as Roberto screamed down Vincecent’s ear in Italian curse with the placement his side would have to deal with – adding more injury as I also clogged all the toilets and wet all their beds.


As the fans gathered, I was informed that Hall had taken a knock and wouldn’t be fully fit for the game. With already having youth prospect Reuben Noble-Lazarus on the bench, I was forced to play Darren Boyle in a foreign position.


As the whistle, it went like this:

1 min - Man City set their stall out to attack
Maicon tripped Vasquez
Yellow Card for Maicon!

7 min – Dzeko with a lobbed ball through!
Nasri with plenty of space!
Nasri with a rifled volley shot – will it go in?


Marshall SAVED well and held on well!
What a goal it could have been!

10 min – Maicon with a free-kick
Collected well by Sinclair after a Miranda header
Sinclair looks on odds to Shoot!
Marshall dives to collect as Sinclair is about to take the finish blow!


Another impressive save from Marshall!
Can Newark get any luck?

For the next fifteen minutes I had chewed my fingers down to the bone, as City continued to threaten our goalmouth – but could we have one sniff on goal?


30 min – Mancini looks agitated after Guidetti fails to score from the free-kick!
What’s this? Orr has collected the ball and is running up field!
Nice pass forward to Cica, who does a back-heel for Van der Voom!
Van der Voom with acres of space – could he do the unimaginable? Only Hart to beat!
Van der Voom with the skill, flicks the ball over Richards head, going for the volley!
Nice volley from Van der Voom….


AH! So close there… Wait!!! Cica has collected the ball!!!!!!
Hart has left space to his right corner, Cica is being pushed out by Maicon
Looks like he is going for a nice lobbed cross….


What the Fuck!!!!
Where did that come from???!!
Cica gives Newark the dramatic fairy-tale lead with a spectacular goal!!
It’s his 20th goal of the season – and he won’t score any more like that one!
1-0 to the home side in this SHOCKING twist of events!!!


My heart stopped!!

Or so I thought!

37 min – Guidetti passes to Rodwell on the wing, they are looking for a instant reply here!
Rodwell with the cross…..
Over the leaping Miranda, Dzeko is leaping!


Only the cross-bar!
A near half-moment for City there – Newark certainly have the heavens on their side today!

Defend and defend, we were ticking them off rotten! We wanted to hold onto the lead, especially for half-time….


45 min – Two additional minutes as Cica collects the ball…
He’s playing it safe, not going too far forward!
Wait, he dummied him and off he goes!
Vazquez is making a run on the left, surely not?


Newark have done it again!!!!
Cica the assist maker – Vazquez the scorer!!


At Half-time, the lads were proud and for a reason!!!

A 2-0 lead over Oil-rich Man City? Yes please!!

I slapped the lads on the asses as we went out for the second half – more of the same!!


50 min – Nasri on the by-line, going past players like a ghost!
Wide ball over towards the box
Dzeko has out-jumped Orr…
He looks certain to score!


And he has!!!
That will make up for that earlier miss – 2-1!
The comeback is on, and with the way this game was going in the first half – What a Game it can be!


68 min – Cross from the right corner
Dzeko the target, but he’s missed it!
But not Sinclair!
Done well to hold down!
But Javi Garcia’s shot is parried by Marshall.
Mancini thought that was going in – not yet Roberto, not yet!

72 min – Another City corner coming from the right
This time it’s Guidetti in the air
He headed it!

Marshall has kept Newark in this game all night!

We had done it well so far, now it was time to attack – and so we became riskier!


79 min – Bergstrom wants a global domenstration here!
One last hurrah from the Championship leaders!
Cica aims to find Boyle, but dealt…
Oh, was going to dealt easily by Garcia but he gave it away…
Straight away to Vazquez!
Dribbling like his life depends on it!!!!
What a cross!!!!
Wato – Bergstrom’s Frank Lampard – with a late run!!!!!
He’s ready……

http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Joe+Hart+Manchester+City+v+Sunderland+Premier+gXv2 _qMdJ0sl.jpg

Seems like Hart has a deflector as he protects his side from possible humiliation there!

And that was….



We had done it! Another famous win against another Manchester club – we are ready for the Premier League!


Straight after the game was the draw for the Fifth Round of the FA Cup for the first time ever!


A nice cannon fodder after the intensive second leg against Ipswich, it would be a time to play some squad players to rest some key players for the league games. And shockingly, I was snubbed for the English First Division Manager of the Month accolade – though Cica was rightly given the English Young Player of the Month for January.


But like a hitman that eternal hunts and stalks its prey, it was back to the one sided stand-offs with 2-1 away win over Swansea (Van der Voom ’21 ’28) and a 4-1 eviction notice to the visiting Colchester (Van der Voom ‘3 ‘5 ’80, Cica ’17) leaving Van der Voom with 16 goals and Cica 21 goals for the season – before the league break for the two cup games.


Though the game was already shadowed with the 3-0 aggregate from the first leg, there was one change for us as Ximo came back from injury to replace Ryan Hall on the right wing, and a tactical and 4/5 changes for Ince as he seemed to find his side in a defensive 442 showing with Chopra replacing Ainsworth up-front to play with Kowalinho, Albrighton on the right wing and Schniederlain in the centre. It seemed to be a more competitive out-lay then before!


And it was all to play for in the first half, completely the opposite in comparison as it was a boring stalemate last time, with Kowalinho injured only five minutes after breaking his toe.

And without his attacking presence it allowed us to take the front-foot as we travelled up pitch with Carvajal’s defence tearing ball forward which was latched onto by Van der Voom who slotted it nicely between the legs of Khune.


We got the lead!

4-0 aggregate!

It was over.

But then, Kowalinho’s replacement Adam Birchall stalked on through the defence and header in a equaliser!


It was a celebration, but not a massive one as they knew they had a long stretch to go to win, which went a little wayward as….


Van der Voom added his second of the game just shy of two from the end of the half, to score his 50th goal for the club – which the fans responded with a new chant as it was announced on the loud speaker.

“Van der Va-va-vooooom,
Van der Va-va-vooooom!”

As usual with the Newark Athletic fans: so simple.


The second half was the complete copy of the first half in the first leg, with neither side going for it.

But there was a strange moment when Ince got so angry he started to smash his head against the glass on the dug-out till it broke – sending glass shards into the audience and into his skull forcing him to bleed badly.


And also to go into the eyes of an American Masked Comic, whose blood spilt infront of him in which he tripped on as he tried run for help and impaled himself onto the plastic chair infront of him.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Paul Ince killed AMC!
Audience: My popcorn! You b:censored:!

As I turned round and watched the finale of the boring half, I started to think – why would a American masked comedian come to a football, especially one like Newark Athletic, and also – where the hell did that guy get popcorn from? And, if they still do them!


After the sudden thoughts, it sudden kicked into me, we had just made it into the League Cup Final!!!


And against Tottenham!

We had faced both Manchester clubs and prevailed, so now would be the final challenged. For European football (if I had the qualification correctly!), for more silverware, and most importantly, for the bragging rights to say we had beaten the English Premier League champions – WE MUST WIN!

My goal was aided with the youth team convincing beating Milwall (aka relegation fodder) 2-0 away (Walker ‘2, Cica ’21) to earn some great news about our next opponents in the FA Cup was again, more fodder!


Bristol City – a ‘high-flying’ Second Division side that look good on paper to be promoted back up to a league they have already been relegated from twice. So as a team leading the board of the First Division, they should be beatable even with a second choice team!


With only two games left of the month of February, and already tasting the sweet candy of Kesha before she left for America for a couple of days, I wanted another two wins to bag another successful! But Aston Villa came in and wrecked it as we drew 2-2 (Cica ’43, Tubbs ‘60) but was able to bounce back with another away win, as we beat Derby 2-1 at Pride Park (Cica ’46, Wato ’87) to leave the month comfortably at the top once more:


With such a good form going into both the FA Cup, the latter half of the season and the League Cup Final, I could tell that something grand was going to happen, something that would disturb us if we let it slip so I had to do something. Especially as we were now history makers even more!

And that ‘thing’ was, to let people know, I decided to announce something in the press:


Niko: Ladies and Gentlemen! You know of me, but you don’t know me! I am back to back League Champion, I am League Cup Finalists – come two weeks – FA Cup Semi-Finalist: I have won titles abroad. I shag a famous and HOT pop singer most nights. (Someone lifts his arm to ask a question) Shut up! It’s my time to talk! As I was saying: I am genetically and spiritually the perfect man – I am the Perfect One! Do not challenge me, because I came into England like a wrecking ball, everything came down and I called timber – and no-one listened! So don’t speak – because I know just what you're saying,: “Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?” Because you are here!

I said standing up and pointing at the journalists as Venice started to shake in fear next to me.


Nobody: Ah, Mr Bergstrom – that is against Health and Safety Rules! It is against the law!... Sir.
Niko: Well, I fought the LAW! SCREW IT! I AM THE LAW, AND THE LAW WON! And if Victoria here, or any of you Holla-back girls try and stop me! You will me chanting “this shit is bananas” and because you are some illiterate limp-dick motherfuckers, you spell it out: “B-A-N-A-N-A-S!” while you go home to Mr Lonely right hand for a whack-job for knowing the single thing that the Perfect One, is at the Perfect Club – because come the end of the season: WE WILL BE THE CHAMPIONS!!!!!

As I screamed that out, I sat back down and shook my head to get some composure.

Niko: So, any questions?

And as soon as the mouths started moving things seemed to click!

Number One: Hull 1 – 3 Newark (Walker ‘2, Ximo ’30, Wato ’33)

Resulted in:

Number Two: Newark 2 -1 Nottingham Forest (Carvajal ’22, Van der Voom ’90)
Barnsley 1 – 3 Newark (Cica ’30, Walker ’45 ’81)
Cica Sent off ‘54
Wato Sent off ‘86

Resulted in:

The Youth Squad beat Second Division side Bristol City 2-0, with Fraser scoring his first of the season and Tubbs scoring his first (off the bench) since his injury, my plan had begun to work!


Norwich, another First Division and another easy pass to another Final! Not apart of the plan, but the added pressure onto the other team to beat the hated/conceited side would break the teams. And with all the media pressure on our side being put on me, then the team wouldn’t have to be put under ANY pressure – as it would be my fault! And since I always had the secret clause in my contract, I would be safe either way!

As the hawks of the media glared their lens towards my identity, I was hit back by two things – the negative response by the away fans and the realisation of the knee-jerk reaction I had given to my girlfriend Kesha.

But it didn’t help the matter as Millwall grasped their revenge with a 3-4 home win, after Marshall failed his job as he let in three goals and had to be subbed on the 67th minute, though Cornell wasn’t much help!


Marshall had let us down, on what could have been a brilliant day for us to clinch the title! And, despite the heroics of Van der Voom scoring his 20th, Willis and Tubbs trying on hard in the dying moments – our 15 game unbeaten streak was over. With Wigan next and with both Cica and Wato, my heart of midfield banned for that one game – it added more pressure to seal the title BEFORE the League Cup Final!


Jewell was the man who stood in our way to the title glory, and with Allan and Ismail playing for the first time in such a long while, it would have felt difficult if we weren’t at home!

And after the final whistle, there was only one name on the lips of the fans!!!!


“Van der Va-va-vooooom!
Van der Va-va-va-vooom!”

A brace from Van der Voom had sealed the title, though I told the League NOT to give it to us till the end of April – for the Huddersfield game – because we might be celebrating either too soon or too lightly.


The fans remained jubilant for the last match of March also, as Wato and Cica came back and Van der Voom was rested as the biggest game in the club’s history – so far! – was next!


The fans roared as the triple threat of goals smacked in, though the only three of the game – not to discredit Burnley and their one goal – but Cica and Wato made their presence felt with a solo-goal each, before an astounding feat as The Eejit (returning as captain) scored his 5th of the season!

As the cries of glory cheered onto the night, all eyes were set on me for the League Cup Final against the Premier League champions – Tottenham!

31-07-14, 04:13 PM
* I want to go home, Ipswich is bad :(

31-07-14, 04:21 PM
* I want to go home, Ipswich is bad :(


31-07-14, 04:24 PM


31-07-14, 04:44 PM
Nice to get a goal at the end.

31-07-14, 04:47 PM
Bring on the league cup final!

31-07-14, 05:08 PM
Great post, especially seeing a proper ground in the shape of Portman Road. None of this identikit nonsense.

The treble is on. Hope you can kick on and finish the cups off!

31-07-14, 09:00 PM
Golden Ambition – Chapter Five

With the Championship won, all I could do was focus onto the League Cup game. Kesha was back in America as the Final fever approached us. Newark-on-Trent had been plagued by the Cup Final fever, and the only way to cool it – would be to win the Final!


Wembley was the place of dreams or nightmares, where the winner will be blazed in glory or the losers are condemned for runners-up – and it was a face-to-face final against the youngster ever manager and the youngest top European youngest manager. Just shy of my 29th birthday, in twelve days, it didn’t matter – what did matter was bringing more glory to the club and then start of the next phase.


As you would expect from a top Premier team in the League Cup, the line-up was a mixture of youth, reserve and first starters:


IN which I responded in a manner that I would hope would seal us the win, my best eleven!


Three of the players starting had been with the club since the beginning, they stayed loyal when it matter and development at the same rate as the club did. Even though they were still young, today they would have to be pushed into their prime – and fight for every ball and break every weakness shown!

So, let’s get this started!


Neither side was looking to back down as Marshall had to enforce a corner in the first few minutes – but from that we countered quickly! A fast tempo counter attack with Wato, Vazquez and Ximo all shifting the ball together – making the Spurs players look like they were playing a child’s game!

Ximo played the ball forward for Van der Voom…..


And the crowd erupted!!!

A simple finish gave us the lead only 8 minutes in!


But AVB responded duly, as we got complacent, Spurs showed us why they were the Premier League champions despite the young and inferior squad. A simple cross from Falque was poorly dealt with and Scott Parker bagged the equaliser just 11 minutes into the game!


In a duelling battle of wits both sides attempted to deliver the next blow, both sides were ready to fight! But, then we decided to show them why we are called the Fearless Warriors!

Cica lobbed the ball forward as Wato did another of his trademark late runs into the box – getting past the last defender he was one-on-one with Yeol and jumped to header the ball that smashed into the back of the net!



Or so we thought as the dreaded image surrounded us!




And Wato thought so too, having to be pulled back from the assistant referee and earning a yellow along side it.

More and more chances were created for either side, but none were finished. If only one player had the finishing skills then this could be such a higher score! And then….


The man I have started to called mini-Lampard was on the charge again, Cica with the ball forward – it was like a repeat but this time Wato was making sure he was onside! He fought with every ounce to the ball as it bounced beyond the defender, and slid in to poke it in…




And Wato got his name back on the scoresheet!

But once again complacency bit us on the ass as Tottenham brought themselves back, Livermore volleyed a beautiful goal into the top right corner from Bostock’s lob, and the game was equalised once more – just two minutes after we had taken the lead again.


The half-time whistle was blown with the score etched at 2-2. It was a simple talk to the lads. “Score the early goal and fucking hold on for your lives!”


AVB looked anxious in the second half, too anxious, as did his teammates – they thought they could match everything we could do and more. But they didn’t realise the phenom of Van der Voom, who charged into the box and volleyed in the third – and hopefully – last goal for us 7 minutes in!


The last minutes of the game was nail biting, chance after chance we were tested – with Marshall on form with save after save. As the minutes past, the harder it got to watch – they had done it twice, could they get back into it again?


No they couldn’t!!!

I shook AVB hand as the whistle blew and then fell onto my knees – we had accomplished the double for the second time. I walked over to the cheering fans of both teams and applauded for the terrific atmosphere they had created – and was applauded back for the entertaining game they had witnessed.

But no matter what, for the fifth time in the clubs four year span we were holding up a trophy!


But, despite the romance of the win, I grounded the players to remind them that the season was far from gone! A depleted side drew 1-1 against Wolves at home (Vazquez ’84), all that mattered was the tight 3-2 win over Norwich in a gruelling first half were four goals was scored!! But thankfully Orr stepped up to the plate 10 minutes from time to score the winner and put us into yet another final!


After taking a small breather, I then checked my phone for the Chelsea versus Arsenal match to see who we would face on May 14th.



A team that had become a former shell of themselves, they barely went through thanks to the help of a goalless draw and a set of penalties. Knowing that despite the time between now and then was a couple of weeks away – I already planned to take precautions!


For the next couple of games, the squad would be rotated for fitness as well as honour! I wouldn’t want to go into the final with a lack of form, nor would I like a broken down team so a number of positional changes and personal occurred.

The 2-0 win over Stoke had Van der Voom on the left and Tubbs up front (Ximo ’45, Orr ’89), it was an unchanged side for the 3-0 win over Southampton (Miranda ’14, Tubbs ’66 ’77) – a belated birthday party was planned, but I scrapped it!

No distractions!

Despite a major overhaul in the starting line up against Blackpool:


We were still able to win 2-1 at home (Tubbs ‘8, Fraser ’45) and that was despite Cacciatore’s red cared in the 53rd minute which resulted in a 3 match ban, ruling him out of the FA Cup final! And it was basically the same team that beat Watford 3-0 away (Allan ’23 ’87, Boyle ’40), and it was the same team that played in the last home game against Huddersfield 2-1 (Clayton ‘8, Cacciatore ’45), which also meant the celebration of the Championship win, and the last time we would play in the mediocre leagues!


The fans sang all of the players names, as the stage was set – and soon we were drinking champagne as we were crowned the Champions!


As usual, I had to throw my medal into the crowd, which landed at a teenagers feet – a kid that might one day become a possible player at the football.


But despite their impressive performances it was back to the best for the last game of the season:


Which turned out with a traditional 3-0 away rout over Norwich (Cica ’21, The Eejit ’90, ‘Van der Voom ’90), although we were looking strong, soon we were dealt with two injures. Firstly, Roderick Miranda stubbed his toe while doing some decorating (or some lame reason like that) and Ximo got badly injured in the warm-up of the game it-self!


Meaning that instead of the team I wanted to play in the Final, I was forced to play Tubbs up-front and Van der Voom on the right wing with inexperienced Parsons in the centre with Orr – a possible vulnerable spot for Chelsea to attack!


As the lads aligned themselves in the locker-room of Wembly for the second time in a matter of weeks, it knew I had to say something to them – that no matter what happenes, I am proud of them.

Niko: Boys, what we have done already is tremendous – historical – you have made this small historic town into a more historical rich town with a thrilling desire to increase in life. You have shown everybody that we are Fearless, and we are Warriors. We have fought wars, and lost comrades – but we will never let them go, and we will always be there for them. So, what I am saying is, don’t do this for me, the big man Yermolai or the fans – you have done enough! But, do this for yourselves, for you fallen comrades who couldn’t be here, or for the comrades that fought others wars – waiting to just come back home.


As they cheered and charged out of the locker-room I stood back, pleased at the remarkable job that we had done, and nothing could take it away.


Niko: What, right now?

I answered the phone.

Niko: Yes I know! Everything will be sorted! I know, I know! Give me some more time and it will all be sorted.

I sighed heavily.

Niko: They will – they will! If not, we will start again! Yes, more! Of course I am not a fucking idiot!

Heading for the door.

Niko: Sometimes you have to stir things up before they get just write.

The door slammed and the phone back in my pocket, I walked towards the roraring grounds, and to my rival for the next 90 minutes.


Mirko Slomka recently took over from Roberto Di Mattero last year, and already he has brought them closer to a trophy then Di Matteo has. Today he would be the man I had to destroy, or my career would be meaningless!


The Chelsea team on paper looked like on that would annihilate us, but as I have learnt, not everything can be summed on paper. And, well, Chelsea felt that quite early too.


Matt Tubbs, with 2 minutes on the clock, bagged his 15th goal of the season and gave us a shocking early lead.

And what occurred next was a game of cat and mouse as both teams out-played each other and were broken by impressive goalkeeping performances!

But once again, you never would write in the stars what you though on drawings! As with a Wato corner, Orr added a second on the 39th minute silencing the Chelsea support and forcing Mirko to slump into his dug-out as the first time whistle game to a halt!


Niko: Yes lads! Beautiful, brilliant!

My emotions ran over me as we entered the locker-rooms, could we actually do it? A treble?

Niko: You know what? Fuck it! Go out there and set an example, and break those Chelsea fans hearts!

As I said that, and watch the lads walk out, I remembered I am a Chelsea fan!

Niko: Whoops!


For the second half, it seemed that Chelsea knew our game plan!

They countered each attack as Thibaut Courtois was trying to keep his dignity!

Niko: Come on you bastard!

But it wasn’t just Courtois that was controlling the nets, as on the other side, Marshall was determined to keep a clean sheet!


It had gone from a showdown of brawn and power – to the consistency and reflexes of the goalkeepers. Though, concentration seemed to lapse the Belgium man as 71 minutes into the game, Van der Voom was one-on-one with him from a rare break.

And what result was…


The killing goal!


Three goals to seal three trophies!!!!

And soon enough the whistle came and we had done it!


It was really done! We had done the imagineable! The League Cup, The FA CUP AND THE CHAMPIONSHIP???






A couple of days later….

http://i3.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article1144130.ece/alternates/s615/Pride%20of%20Britain%20bus%20parked%20outside%20Ed inburgh%20Castle

Before the tour bus around the town to celebrate the success, I reported back to my office to ‘finish off’ some paper work.


Niko: I really hope they will give me a real office now!

Suddenly, I heard a man in the shadows.

Niko: Ah, you! So, I guess you might agree to this now?
???: Yeah.
Niko: Well, it depends on how the new Operation works – Operation New Gen. and who will agree to it.
???: I understand.
Niko: You sure you want this?
??: How can I say this? I am f:censored:ing sure
Niko: Okay, the file is there with just ‘some’ names. You are one of them.

He grabbed the file, as one piece of paper fell out of the file.


Niko: Maybe we need some kind of ‘divine intervention’ to help make things easer…. If they want to come back, I mean…..

************************************************** **********************************************
Newark Athletic FC - Wednesday 1st June 2005
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
================================================== ==============================================

No Name Position(s) Nat Born Age Caps Gls Wages Expires Value
32 Allan, Andy M RLC SCO 19.6.85 19 - - £1.2K 9.5.08 £450K
- Bayliss, Jack D/M LC ENG 11.5.87 18 - - £375 Rolling £40K
11 Baz D/M LC WAL 10.10.84 20 - - £8K 27.6.06 £625K
39 Boyle, Darren M RC SCO 24.8.86 18 - - £500 6.6.07 £210K
- Brown, Alan D/M LC SCO 12.12.83 21 - - £65 2.6.07 £60K
21 Cacciatore, Fabrizio D RLC ITA 8.10.75 29 - - £2.2K 20.5.07 £550K
20 Carvajal, Daniel D R ESP 11.1.81 24 - - £5.5K 17.5.07 £850K
22 Cica, Tibor M RLC CRO 31.12.82 22 - - £5K 17.5.07 £2.8M
12 Clayton, Mark DM C ENG 21.2.81 24 - - £4.1K 21.6.06 £90K
24 Clifford, Billy M C ENG 18.10.81 23 - - £9K 16.6.06 £325K
13 Cornell, David GK WAL 28.3.80 25 - - £950 2.6.07 £160K
- Deane, Aaron S C ENG 13.11.85 19 - - £160 10.6.06 £55K
- Dunn, Christian S C ENG 10.3.84 21 - - £325 10.6.07 £160K
25 Fraser, Ryan AM L SCO 1.9.83 21 - - £500 1.6.09 £400K
- Gleeson, George D RLC ENG 11.12.86 18 - - £325 Rolling £16K
7 Hall, Ryan AM RLC ENG 4.1.77 28 - - £9.25K 24.5.07 £1.4M
- Harrison, Gary M LC ENG 22.8.88 16 - - £775 Rolling £55K
17 Ismail, Zeli AM RC ENG 12.12.82 22 - - £9.25K 24.5.07 £1.4M
- Lawless, Gary S C IRL 19.8.86 18 - - £375 9.6.06 £100K
- Lyons, Adam D L ENG 15.4.87 18 - - £525 Rolling £24K
1 Marshall, David GK SCO 5.3.74 31 5 - £5K 17.5.10 £975K
2 McLaughlin, Conor D R NIR 26.7.80 24 - - £5.75K 11.6.06 £150K
5 Miranda, Roderick D C POR 30.3.80 25 5 - £8.5K 6.5.07 £2.1M
- Mitchell, Jonathan S C ENG 9.2.86 19 - - £4.2K Rolling £28K
- Nicholls, Alex AM/F RC ENG 9.12.76 28 - - £5.75K 28.6.05 £45K
6 Nkumu, Archange D C ENG 5.11.82 22 - - £1.4K 12.5.09 £525K
15 Noble-Lazarus, Reuben S C ENG 16.8.82 22 - - £2K 1.5.07 £1M
- O'Dowd, Colin D C IRL 25.1.85 20 - - £1.6K 7.6.07 £70K
26 Orr, Jordan D RC SCO 31.10.83 21 - - £2.7K 20.5.08 £650K
29 Parsons, Jordan D RC ENG 28.10.84 20 - - £1.2K 19.5.08 £220K
14 Stewart, Gary D L SCO 13.8.84 20 - - £2.8K 21.6.08 £100K
40 Tait, Dave GK SCO 7.11.87 17 - - £3.6K 28.5.08 £170K
4 The Eejit DM C SCO 26.2.81 24 - - £11.25K 12.6.08 £2M
- Trigg, Nathan D/DM RLC ENG 10.6.87 17 - - £375 Rolling £50K
19 Tubbs, Matt S C ENG 15.7.73 31 - - £8.75K 9.5.08 £2.2M
16 Van der Voom, Henrik F RLC NED 17.8.83 21 - - £14.25K 7.6.08 £3.2M
27 Vázquez, Franco AM LC ARG 22.2.78 27 - - £11.75K 11.5.07 £1.9M
31 Walker, Sean S C ENG 21.2.85 20 - - £120 24.5.08 £775K
8 Wato, Eddy M RLC ENG 1.1.82 23 - - £8K 10.5.07 £3.1M
- Williams, Gareth D C WAL 10.4.86 19 - - £65 9.6.07 £35K
3 Willis, Liam D RL ENG 21.5.82 23 - - £3.5K 15.5.10 £1.4M
23 Ximo AM R ESP 12.9.77 27 - - £5.5K 19.5.09 £1.3M

================================================== ==============================================
2004/5 Senior Club Stats
================================================== ==============================================

No Name Apps Gls Con Pens Asts Yel Red MoM Av R
32 Allan, Andy 3 (1) 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.50
- Bayliss, Jack - - - - - - - - ----
11 Baz 5 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.20
39 Boyle, Darren 13 (1) 1 0 0 5 1 0 0 7.21
- Brown, Alan - - - - - - - - ----
21 Cacciatore, Fabrizio 13 (2) 1 0 0 0 3 1 0 7.20
20 Carvajal, Daniel 47 2 0 0 7 5 0 0 7.62
22 Cica, Tibor 52 27 0 3 (3) 17 3 1 12 8.27
12 Clayton, Mark 9 2 0 0 3 1 0 1 7.89
24 Clifford, Billy 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 ----
13 Cornell, David 8 (1) 0 10 0 0 0 0 0 6.89
- Deane, Aaron - - - - - - - - ----
- Dunn, Christian - - - - - - - - ----
25 Fraser, Ryan 6 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.00
- Gleeson, George - - - - - - - - ----
7 Hall, Ryan 9 1 0 0 4 0 0 0 7.11
- Harrison, Gary - - - - - - - - ----
17 Ismail, Zeli 7 (1) 0 0 0 1 1 0 0 7.13
- Lawless, Gary - - - - - - - - ----
- Lyons, Adam - - - - - - - - ----
1 Marshall, David 52 0 40 0 0 0 0 3 7.37
2 McLaughlin, Conor 13 (1) 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.29
5 Miranda, Roderick 46 2 0 0 1 6 0 0 7.46
- Mitchell, Jonathan - - - - - - - - ----
- Nicholls, Alex 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 ----
6 Nkumu, Archange 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 ----
15 Noble-Lazarus, Reuben 0 (1) 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.00
- O'Dowd, Colin 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 ----
26 Orr, Jordan 51 7 0 0 3 5 0 0 7.43
29 Parsons, Jordan 8 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 7.13
14 Stewart, Gary 3 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 6.67
40 Tait, Dave 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 ----
4 The Eejit 51 7 0 0 14 7 0 6 8.08
- Trigg, Nathan - - - - - - - - ----
19 Tubbs, Matt 14 (6) 15 0 0 0 1 0 4 7.75
16 Van der Voom, Henrik 35 (7) 27 0 0 5 3 0 9 7.95
27 Vázquez, Franco 43 8 0 0 12 2 0 2 7.53
31 Walker, Sean 7 (3) 5 0 0 3 0 0 3 7.80
8 Wato, Eddy 51 (2) 17 0 0 23 7 1 5 7.64
- Williams, Gareth - - - - - - - - ----
3 Willis, Liam 54 4 0 1 (1) 5 6 0 0 7.39
23 Ximo 40 13 0 0 11 2 0 1 7.47

================================================== ==============================================
2004/5 Transfers
================================================== ==============================================

Date Player In From Fee
7.6.04 Matthew Briggs Fulham Bos
20.6.04 Gary Stewart Celtic £18K
20.6.04 Jordan Parsons Wigan £90K
21.6.04 Jordan Orr Derby £230K
22.6.04 Fabrizio Cacciatore Compostela £210K
30.6.04 Matt Tubbs Bournemouth Bos
30.6.04 Roderick Miranda Vit. Setúbal £250K
2.7.04 Dave Tait Dundee Utd £100K
2.7.04 David Cornell Swansea Bos
7.7.04 Reuben Noble-Lazarus Free Transfer Free
16.7.04 Archange Nkumu Free Transfer Free
25.7.04 Zeli Ismail Wolves £625K
28.7.04 Ryan Hall Southend £600K
12.8.04 Tibor Cica Zagreb £525K
12.8.04 Franco Vázquez Palermo £1.6M

Date Player Out To Fee
5.6.04 Yohan Betsch Jeanne d'Arc £375K
9.6.04 Shepard Charlton £375K
14.6.04 Matty Harriott Bristol Rovers £150K
20.6.04 Gareth Hodgson Released Free
20.6.04 Liam Derby £500K
20.6.04 Kevin Darlington Released Free
20.6.04 Kim Salonen Released Free
20.6.04 Dean Furman Released Free
20.6.04 Sam Hutchinson Released Free
23.6.04 Simon Robinson Sheff Wed £100K
24.6.04 Jose Hernandez Querétaro Bos
25.6.04 Johnny Mullins Rochdale £100K
3.7.04 Billy Knott Rochdale £625K
5.7.04 Shane Robinson Fleetwood £70K
6.7.04 David Griffin Willem II £45K
9.7.04 Kevin Dupuis Paris FC £100K
13.7.04 Artur Vasily Torquay £180K
31.7.04 Mark Henderson Ipswich £2.5M
6.10.04 Ashley Curtis Aldershot £65K
15.10.04 Ryan Jarvis Colchester £500K
15.12.04 Lorenzo Zbimg Corinthians £1.6M
7.2.05 Matthew Briggs Sheff Utd £800K
9.5.05 Liam Cohen Dinas Powys £35K

================================================== ==============================================
2004/5 Fixtures
================================================== ==============================================

Date Opposition Ven Competition Res Attend Scorers
30.6.04 Ipswich H Nikolavski Cup Semi Final 1:1 4526 Wato
1.7.04 Sunderland H Nikolavski Cup Final 0:2 5994
15.7.04 Chesterfield A Friendly 3:0 10317 Van der Voom 2, Miranda
18.7.04 West Brom H Friendly 1:1 11799 Walker
21.7.04 Everton H Friendly 0:0 11776
23.7.04 Plymouth A Friendly 0:1 12899
14.8.04 Sheff Wed H First Division 4:0 11804 The Eejit, Cica, Zbimg 2
22.8.04 Bolton A First Division 4:1 13554 Zbimg, Cica 2, Wato
24.8.04 Aldershot A League Cup 1st Rnd 3:1 3109 Van der Voom, Zbimg, Willis
27.8.04 Crystal Palace H First Division 4:0 11797 Zbimg 2, Van der Voom, Carvajal
30.8.04 Swindon A First Division 3:0 10323 Cica 2, Zbimg
12.9.04 Middlesbrough A First Division 3:0 25062 Zbimg 3
15.9.04 Doncaster H First Division 1:1 11820 The Eejit
17.9.04 Colchester A First Division 4:1 9397 Van der Voom, Cica, Ximo, Wato
22.9.04 Everton H League Cup 2nd Rnd 2:0 7396 Vázquez, Cica
24.9.04 Derby H First Division 5:1 11795 Zbimg 3, Cica, Vázquez
29.9.04 Swansea H First Division 4:1 11795 Zbimg 2, Willis, Orr
1.10.04 Aston Villa A First Division 3:2 20103 Ximo, Orr, Zbimg
8.10.04 Millwall H First Division 3:0 11783 Tubbs 2, Craig og
17.10.04 Nottm Forest A First Division 6:1 27594 Vázquez 2, Ximo 2, Willis pen, Zbimg
20.10.04 Hull H First Division 2:3 11786 Ximo, Zbimg
22.10.04 Wigan A First Division 4:0 9565 Zbimg 3, Wato
27.10.04 Barnsley H First Division 4:0 11812 Ximo, The Eejit, Zbimg, Wato
29.10.04 Burnley A First Division 2:1 19902 Cica pen, Orr
3.11.04 Man Utd A League Cup 3rd Rnd 2:0 50916 Zbimg 2
6.11.04 Southampton H First Division 6:0 11115 Ximo, Orr, Miranda, Wato 2, Zbimg
10.11.04 Yeovil A League Cup 4th Rnd 3:1 4134 Van der Voom 2, Walker
13.11.04 Wolves A First Division 2:2 26644 Wato, Cica
20.11.04 Watford H First Division 1:0 11799 Cica
27.11.04 Blackpool A First Division 5:0 8739 Cica 2 (1 pen), Van der Voom 2, Clayton
1.12.04 Hull A League Cup Qtr Final 3:1 23092 Wato, Van der Voom, Ximo
4.12.04 Stoke H First Division 0:2 11820
11.12.04 Huddersfield A First Division 4:1 16765 Vázquez, Wato, Cica, Ximo
19.12.04 Bolton H First Division 2:0 11809 Van der Voom, Cica
22.12.04 Crystal Palace A First Division 2:1 20949 Tubbs, Ximo
26.12.04 Norwich H First Division 2:2 11784 Tubbs 2
28.12.04 Sheff Wed A First Division 3:0 23451 Tubbs 2, Edgar og
1.1.05 Middlesbrough H First Division 3:0 11779 Wato 2, Ximo
8.1.05 Leeds H FA Cup 3rd Rnd 3:1 5566 Vázquez, Cica pen, Van der Voom
15.1.05 Doncaster A First Division 4:2 14270 Wato, Cica, The Eejit, Van der Voom
22.1.05 Swindon H First Division 2:1 11801 Hall, Cica
26.1.05 Ipswich A League Cup Semi Final Leg 1 3:0 26890 Tubbs, Cica, Wato
29.1.05 Man City H FA Cup 4th Rnd 2:1 11824 Cica, Vázquez
5.2.05 Swansea A First Division 2:1 7616 Van der Voom 2
12.2.05 Colchester H First Division 4:1 11211 Van der Voom 3, Cica
16.2.05 Ipswich H League Cup Semi Final Leg 2 2:1 11778 Van der Voom 2
19.2.05 Millwall A FA Cup 5th Rnd 2:0 8459 Walker, Cica
23.2.05 Aston Villa H First Division 2:2 11805 Cica, Tubbs
25.2.05 Derby A First Division 2:1 29507 Cica, Wato
2.3.05 Hull A First Division 3:1 22385 S.Walker, Ximo, Wato
6.3.05 Nottm Forest H First Division 2:1 11792 Carvajal, Van der Voom
9.3.05 Barnsley A First Division 3:1 18529 Cica, Walker 2
12.3.05 Bristol City A FA Cup Qtr Final 2:0 16366 Fraser, Tubbs
15.3.05 Millwall A First Division 3:4 17649 Van der Voom, Tubbs, Willis
23.3.05 Wigan H First Division 2:1 11802 Van der Voom 2
26.3.05 Burnley H First Division 3:1 11814 Cica, Wato, The Eejit
3.4.05 Tottenham N League Cup Final 3:2 78681 Van der Voom 2, Wato
8.4.05 Wolves H First Division 1:1 10835 Vázquez
10.4.05 Norwich N FA Cup Semi Final 3:2 30591 Van der Voom, The Eejit, Orr
13.4.05 Stoke A First Division 2:0 14872 Ximo, Orr
16.4.05 Southampton A First Division 3:0 8992 Miranda, Tubbs 2
18.4.05 Blackpool H First Division 2:1 10824 Tubbs, Fraser
22.4.05 Watford A First Division 3:0 21290 Allan 2, Boyle
30.4.05 Huddersfield H First Division 2:1 10854 Clayton, Cacciatore
8.5.05 Norwich A First Division 3:0 14302 Cica, The Eejit, Van der Voom
14.5.05 Chelsea N FA Cup Final 3:0 78708 Tubbs, Orr, Van der Voom

************************************************** **********************************************
English First Division - Wednesday 1st June 2005
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2004/5 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st C Newark 46 17 4 2 61 20 21 1 1 73 20 119
2nd P Stoke 46 16 5 2 50 20 7 12 4 39 35 86
3rd Norwich 46 11 8 4 49 31 10 6 7 44 38 77
4th Sheff Wed 46 14 2 7 41 27 10 3 10 32 34 77
5th Swansea 46 12 7 4 52 33 7 8 8 42 42 72
6th P Watford 46 13 7 3 40 25 6 8 9 34 37 72
7th Nottm Forest 46 14 3 6 52 40 6 8 9 44 52 71
8th Barnsley 46 14 4 5 54 35 4 11 8 26 34 69
9th Wolves 46 12 3 8 44 33 8 6 9 31 36 69
10th Derby 46 14 3 6 47 34 6 4 13 38 51 67
11th Hull 46 12 3 8 42 36 6 8 9 27 34 65
12th Blackpool 46 11 6 6 30 26 5 7 11 37 44 61
13th Bolton 46 13 3 7 47 36 4 6 13 22 41 60
14th Aston Villa 46 9 10 4 49 33 5 5 13 38 55 57
15th Doncaster 46 10 6 7 41 39 6 3 14 23 46 57
16th Burnley 46 11 5 7 44 37 5 3 15 36 59 56
17th Wigan 46 8 7 8 25 28 7 4 12 25 38 56
18th Colchester 46 11 5 7 56 46 4 5 14 29 48 55
19th Middlesbrough 46 9 8 6 48 45 5 2 16 27 51 52
20th Swindon 46 12 5 6 39 29 2 4 17 27 54 51
21st Crystal Palace 46 10 5 8 42 37 3 4 16 27 50 48
22nd R Huddersfield 46 10 4 9 37 36 3 3 17 32 56 46
23rd R Millwall 46 7 7 9 46 44 4 4 15 25 54 44
24th R Southampton 46 8 6 9 29 33 4 1 18 25 56 43

================================================== ==============================================
2004/5 Goals
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps Gls
1st Conor Sammon Derby 42 34
2nd Nick Blackman Swansea 37 (3) 29
3rd Darren Bent Aston Villa 44 (1) 26
4th Simon Cox Stoke 41 25
5th Lukas Jutkiewicz Stoke 46 23
6th James Morrison Barnsley 40 23
7th Tibor Cica Newark 40 22
8th Gary Madine Sheff Wed 44 22
9th Morgan Ferrier Nottm Forest 37 (2) 22
10th Lorenzo Zbimg Corinthians 17 22
11th Michael Gregoritsch Huddersfield 39 21
12th Christian Benteke Aston Villa 43 21
13th Lauri Dalla Valle Middlesbrough 32 20
14th Nathan Eccleston Blackpool 46 20
15th Charlie Austin Nottm Forest 39 20
16th Andy Keogh Millwall 45 20
17th Chris Dagnall Barnsley 39 20
18th Marouane Chamakh Norwich 45 19
19th Jay Simpson Norwich 45 19
20th Lee Novak Colchester 45 19
21st Tim Payne Blackburn 39 18
22nd Jamie Cade Doncaster 41 18
23rd David Bellion Colchester 43 18
24th Brandon Zibaka Swindon 44 18
25th Jamie Ward Watford 43 16
26th Kevin Doyle Wolves 41 16
27th Luke Norris Huddersfield 34 (1) 16
28th Robert Snodgrass Norwich 47 16
29th Henrik Van der Voom Newark 24 (6) 16
30th Mikkel Thygesen Sheff Wed 45 15

================================================== ==============================================
2004/5 Assists
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps Asts
1st Eddy Wato Newark 38 (2) 20
2nd Simon Lappin Norwich 46 17
3rd Nathan Dyer Swansea 46 17
4th James Henry Middlesbrough 46 16
5th Matthew Etherington Stoke 40 16
6th Emmanuel Ledesma Southampton 33 (2) 15
7th Chris Burke Derby 39 13
8th David Jones Derby 40 (2) 12
9th Keith Ward Colchester 40 12
10th Chris Maguire Sheff Wed 48 12
11th Elliott Bennett Swansea 43 12
12th Pelly Ruddock Doncaster 29 11
13th Jermaine Pennant Burnley 32 11
14th Glenn Whelan Stoke 38 (1) 11
15th Cédric Collet Sheff Wed 44 11
16th Robert Snodgrass Norwich 47 11
17th The Eejit Newark 40 11
18th Jason Puncheon Burnley 34 (5) 10
19th Tim Payne Blackburn 39 10
20th David Templeton Crystal Palace 44 10
21st Franco Vázquez Newark 34 10
22nd Danny Haynes Crystal Palace 37 (3) 10
23rd Jay Simpson Norwich 45 10
24th Jacob Butterfield Millwall 33 (1) 10
25th Matt James Middlesbrough 46 10
26th Diarmuid O'Toibín Millwall 32 (2) 10
27th Michael Jacobs Bolton 38 9
28th Michael Kightly Stoke 34 9
29th Ishmael Miller Derby 44 (1) 9
30th Adlène Guedioura Stoke 36 9

================================================== ==============================================
2004/5 Average Rating
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps Av R
1st Conor Sammon Derby 42 8.24
2nd Tibor Cica Newark 40 8.22
3rd The Eejit Newark 40 8.07
4th Christian Benteke Aston Villa 43 7.88
5th Henrik Van der Voom Newark 24 (6) 7.87
6th Michael Turner Norwich 42 7.81
7th Nick Blackman Swansea 37 (3) 7.80
8th Lewin Nyatanga Southampton 23 7.78
9th Simon Cox Stoke 41 7.78
10th Kevin Doyle Wolves 41 7.78
11th Charlie Austin Nottm Forest 39 7.74
12th Michael Gregoritsch Huddersfield 39 7.74
13th Titus Bramble Derby 41 7.73
14th Ismail Yakubu Doncaster 32 (1) 7.73
15th Ben Turner Reading 39 (1) 7.72
16th Eddy Wato Newark 38 (2) 7.72
17th Elliott Ward Doncaster 29 7.72
18th Tim Payne Blackburn 39 7.72
19th Liam Cooper Hull 39 (1) 7.70
20th Danny Wilson Sheff Wed 43 7.67
21st Gabriel Badilla Bolton 39 7.67
22nd Jake Buxton Wigan 44 7.66
23rd Peter Clarke Southampton 35 7.66
24th Jose Baxter Swansea 23 (5) 7.64
25th Bailey Wright Stoke 34 (2) 7.64
26th Fitz Hall Watford 44 (2) 7.63
27th Ron Vlaar Aston Villa 33 7.61
28th Matthew Etherington Stoke 40 7.60
29th Daniel Joyce Stoke 26 (1) 7.59
30th Kern Miller Nottm Forest 42 (1) 7.58

================================================== ==============================================
2004/5 Man of Match
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps MoM
1st Conor Sammon Derby 42 9
2nd Nick Blackman Swansea 37 (3) 9
3rd Andy Keogh Millwall 45 8
4th Lorenzo Zbimg Corinthians 17 8
5th Tibor Cica Newark 40 7
6th Gary Madine Sheff Wed 44 7
7th Michael Gregoritsch Huddersfield 39 7
8th Lewin Nyatanga Southampton 23 6
9th Darren Bent Aston Villa 44 (1) 6
10th Robert Snodgrass Norwich 47 6
11th Henrik Van der Voom Newark 24 (6) 6
12th Britt Assombalonga Watford 34 (3) 5
13th Tim Payne Blackburn 39 5
14th Mikkel Thygesen Sheff Wed 45 5
15th Cleveland Taylor Colchester 22 (13) 5
16th Simon Cox Stoke 41 5
17th Simon Lappin Norwich 46 5
18th Nathan Dyer Swansea 46 5
19th Jake Buxton Wigan 44 5
20th James Morrison Barnsley 40 5
21st Chris Dagnall Barnsley 39 5
22nd The Eejit Newark 40 5
23rd Jose Baxter Swansea 23 (5) 4
24th Fabian Delph Aston Villa 32 (2) 4
25th Jacob Mellis Colchester 34 4
26th Lauri Dalla Valle Middlesbrough 32 4
27th Fitz Hall Watford 44 (2) 4
28th Nathan Eccleston Blackpool 46 4
29th Danny Batth Watford 45 4
30th Jake Cassidy 24 (4) 4

31-07-14, 09:04 PM
I'm coming home? Really?


Baron Zbimg
31-07-14, 09:43 PM
Wow what a season! Van der Voom has been a beast. I'm so pissed Lorenzo left ! The guy has the worse adviser ever. Please try to bring him back at one point!

Envoyé de mon iPhone à l'aide de Tapatalk

01-08-14, 11:13 AM
Was I captain ?
Did I climb the steps to lift the trophy ?

* Proud to be a Newark player

02-08-14, 12:20 AM
Players that want to come back, post so, you will have extra attributes points to add. Ca and pa will be increased, and slots will be available to add a new generation. All will be added in a later date, but because I want to add more to the news: Niko Bergstrom will cease to be manager past the next season, and yet again more to add in due time.

Next couple of days will lack a update but hopefully this drunken post will be enough. NEWARK ATHLETIC'S FUTURE IS CHANGING.

02-08-14, 05:46 AM
Was I captain ?
Did I climb the steps to lift the trophy ?

* Proud to be a Newark player


10-08-14, 10:01 PM
Bring me back please gaffer! I'll be an obnoxious twat for no additional signing on fee too! :ok:

12-08-14, 07:44 PM

Call Out for Former Arms!

For Newark’s debut season in both Europe and the holy grail of English Premier League, it is now the chance that players that have left the club would be able to rejoin the club – if they want so – and would earn improvements to fight in the new challenge that lays ahead.
The requirements are thus:

-Proceed by declaring your interest of returning to the club. These include: Liam, Lorenzo Zbimg, BobMem, John Wood, Kowalinho, Volkan Ediz, Diarmuid O’Toibin, Jose Hernandez, Artur Vasily, Roddy Hoolihan and Mark Henderson.
- Additional attributes points will be based on Overall career goals they have met so far in their career:

5 = 1
10 = 2
15 = 3
15+ = 4

5 = 1
10 = 2
15 = 3
15+ = 4

Man of the Match Awards
3 = 1
4 = 2
5 = 3
6 = 4
7 = 5
8+ = 6

The calculation of the points would be a given by the amount worked by the earnings ie. If a player has 50 assists they would earn 10 points (10x5 = 50 = 2x5 = 10), any odd numbered over-all statistics will be determined by the number criteria it is closest to.

In addition to the general scale above, one will gain an additional point if the overall average of their career is either 7.50 or 7.50 plus, in order to confirm with the consistency they have shown to a high scale.

Defender based players will require another scale:

3 = 1
4 = 2
6 = 3
9 = 4
10 = 5

2 = 1
4 = 2
6 = 3
9 = 4
10 = 5

Man of the Match
2 = 4
4 = 5

Another factor will be the Tackling Average they have earned:

Tackling Average
1.0 = 1
1.5 = 2
2.0 = 3
2.5 = 4
2.0 = 5

-Current Ability and Potential Ability will also be increased (10+ CA, 20+ PA) will restrictions set to ensure that they will be limited to a set over-all that is yet to be decided.
-Character: You are now allowed to set more to the person your character is:

define their personality and add more depth within story,
create a storyline to add more interaction
dislikes/likes – to add more spice! Hate a member of the club to add more fuel to the daily lives! Or, become a kiss ass and see how far you can get.

-Addition slots of 6 is available for late comers to join the club, following the same application form though some parts are redacted in order to allow to slot them into the save within the restrictions that have been granted. The points and other creiteria are still to be met, but they will be restricted by Age, only to have Common Name (most likely forum member unless otherwise) and Nationality. Though, this is not been researched fully into atm.

Please, though who wish either to rejoin or join the club reply to the post below by stating your players name, followed with ‘Fearless Warriors’ in bold!

Hope that clears up some parts, if not either send me a pm or post questions below.

Deadline will be Friday, but if delay is needed then an extension would be allowed in due time.



12-08-14, 07:50 PM
Kowalinho Fearless Warriors

12-08-14, 08:38 PM
BobMem Fearless Warriors

13-08-14, 08:49 AM
Merkezekrem Fearkess Warriors !

14-08-14, 05:26 PM
Okay, deadline has been extended till Tuesday at 6:00 pm to allow any one else join/rejoin. I hope more people come :(

Baron Zbimg
15-08-14, 02:55 PM
Lorenzo Zbimg Fearless Warriors !!! So excited !

Baron Zbimg
15-08-14, 02:55 PM
I dont Know how to type bold from my iPhone btw sorry about that!

16-08-14, 07:49 PM
it's ok Zbimg, you are in.

Hopefully some more can join Merk in becoming the 'next' generation by Tuesday, if not will extend it for one more day and then start the next phase.

19-08-14, 01:43 PM
Right, deadline has been extended an extra day.

If people want to join, they have till tomorrow 6. I'll say it again, if you want to rejoin/join post your players name (common name for people joining) followed by Fearless Warriors, doesn't need to be in bold no more.

24-08-14, 01:43 AM
Right because the number hasn't increased ( :( ) i have decided to make it coincidental to make the deadline date the same as the deadline date of the transfer window. This is the last chance so, here goes. Monday 31st August 2014 at 23:59 GMT is the proper deadline.

I will try and mix styles next season, and then depending on the outcome of the response (if any) will drastically change the way it is presented.

24-08-14, 12:01 PM
Who is left to decide if he is going back? Because i think who want to go back already posted about.

24-08-14, 05:18 PM
include: Liam, John Wood, Volkan Ediz, Diarmuid O’Toibin, Jose Hernandez, Artur Vasily, Roddy Hoolihan and Mark Henderson.

Just hoping to have some new players as well

27-08-14, 03:34 AM
To add injury to those who have stayed loyal they also need to qualify by stating their name snd improve by the Same date to acknowledge those who pay attention. So happy end of summer transfer window. P

27-08-14, 10:39 AM
I'm paying attention, not sure I understand the post though :P

BobMem, here, there, everywhere. If needed, if wanted. To improve or not to improve, that is the question.

06-09-14, 04:37 AM
I'm paying attention, not sure I understand the post though :P

BobMem, here, there, everywhere. If needed, if wanted. To improve or not to improve, that is the question.

Basically people who are still apart of the team (The EEJIT, ETC.) WAS GIVEN THE CHANCE TO IMPROVE IN THE SAME WAY THE RETURNERS HAD.


13-09-14, 02:30 AM
Basically people who are still apart of the team (The EEJIT, ETC.) WAS GIVEN THE CHANCE TO IMPROVE IN THE SAME WAY THE RETURNERS HAD.



Deadline is open till 30th September, new or old.

I will then constrain on this and Uni Work ;)

So new members, just put our name down and the positions you want to play and the wheels will be turned in due course.

EDIT: As i said, this WILL be the end of Niko Bergstrom as manager of Newark Atletic F.C. BUT this isn't the end of his arc (was hinted in TEJ of his last 'mission' of a football managerial career) and thus, from this point of the updates will correspond towards the club. The former players depend on length of time at cleub or attitude towards rejoining the club when possible.

14-09-14, 10:25 AM

15-09-14, 01:56 PM
Come on you lazy bastards. As captain, I urge you to return and fight the Newark battle.

After kicking 7 kinds of shit out of you for being trecherous traitors, nothing more will be said about your desersion other than

Ha Ha Ha. I've got an FA Cup winners medal and you've not !

16-09-14, 10:58 AM
*Thinks The Eejit should be stripped of his captaincy for being such a show off
*Content with conditions at the club currently

19-09-14, 10:24 PM
11 days left!

It doesn't matter if you are VIP, or even if you add a photo.

All that matter is that you post the name you want with the position and i will make it happen for the FINAL season with Niko. After this, all you have to do is read as the game of 13 years decide your fate as a player.

27-09-14, 12:07 AM
Added one LAST delay for the fourth of October.

New players are welcome but see other posts for information, others i will post about in up-coming days which could delay over-all date. I am here to bring the beginners and new ones together again for one last hurra with Niko, no matter what!

11-10-14, 12:48 AM

Patience has been stalled, deadline is Tuesday Noon - players new or old that has not joined will miss the final season of Niko as they have been messaged about it.

Again, if you want to join post nickname and position below.

Next phase will start next week, when season starts depends on the members posting additional/starting points. The points are outlined here for rejoinees (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=186053#post186053) and here for new people (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=71256#post71256).

One last season in the hands of a CM player, until CM itself dictates the future of the club - and you, as individual players!


11-10-14, 12:11 PM
Hi - yes you have me rejoin the team (John Wood I think GK) - although I played one match and was then stuck on the subs bench.

I was on holiday early/ middle August - so missed the OP.

14-11-14, 08:00 PM
Bout time the guy of this story did something!

Right everyone will be attempted to return to the club, and a massive exchange out. Points are available to those that want improvements, Merkez if you fill out the form (which i link via edit in a second after posting) then i will edit you in. Any new members that want to join, it is possible though positions and age are limited (though i will try and accomodate to your specifications if i can), new kit is being made as i type.

No post-season review this season due to the LOOONG delay.

14-11-14, 09:34 PM
News in Newark is Hard to take!


In what should be amidst an era of continued celebrations, Newark Athletic fans were awoken by the shocking news that their manager 30-year old Niko Bergstrom has decided to call it a day after the end of the club’s debut season in the Premier League.

Niko issued a statement through the club about his intentions: “After five long and successful seasons, I have decided that come the end of the new season I will no longer be manager of Newark Athletic.”

He went on to add: “I was brought in for a project for European football and Premier League heights – and we have reached that level! Personally, I feel that I can no longer prolong this club any further then I have.”

The club announced that a replacement is currently in talks come the end of the season, and that the most likely replacement would be an internal member.

Bergstrom joined the club within the Conference with a highly touted bunch of young prospects that have become a significant part of the clubs success in achieving 4 league titles, and 3 cups wins out of 4 cup finals.

Last season Newark beat Chelsea in the FA Cup to set up the Charity Shield showdown at the start of August, another edition which Newark fans hope will be added to Niko’s legacy at the club that is celebrated even by the chairman.


“Nikolavski came in with a long term mission – to be in the Premier League – and what he has achieved in just five years is remarkable. No doubt, sometime in the future the club will support his legacy with a statue – but for now we need to remain calm. Nikolavski has a year left in which he can achieve more, or even less!”

Rumours surround the club about former players returning to the club after reports surge of former striker Kowalinho’s disappoint in Ipswich's relegation of last season – fuelling a possible return to the Boltsky Stadium.

15-11-14, 12:46 AM
Revelations of the Future season!


Newark Athletic FC wants to put more into the context of football manager’s Niko Bergstrom’s decision to relinquish his role as manager after the forth-coming season.

Mr. Bergstrom has met with owner and Chairman Yermolai Relikovic and the Board a numerous amount times of the weeks leading up to the FA Cup final. Within these meetings Niko told the board of his intention to step down as manager in order for a period of rest.

The Board and Mr. Bergstrom agreed that for the future of both the success of the club and the image that it entails that the best option of replacement would be Assistant Manager Riley Bartley.

Bartley had shown promise during Bergstrom’s period of disappearance, and has a significant amount of experience under Bergstrom to continue his work.

Another mention within the terms of the meeting was that Bergstrom wanted as much of his original side for the forth-coming season as possible. In relation to this the club is ecstatic to announce the resigning of former-youth players through specific release clauses that was made within the out-going transfers.

At this moment we are pleased to welcome back:

Polish international striker Kowalinho

Kowalinho (Kacper Kowalczyk) was viable to sign for £575k due two specific clauses, one the relegation of Ipswich to the Championship as well as Athletic’s promotion to the Premier League, and two, the personal relationship between Kowalinho’s fiancée and agent Princess Ama Peach being effected due to an affair with manager Niko Bergstrom.

The Club’s All-Time Top Goalscorer Lorenzo Zbimg

Zbimg was allowed to return for only £450k due to the clause in which stated that if Zbimg wasn’t able to withstand the cultural difference in life-style he would be able to return with a significant pay-rise.

Cyprus international defender BobMem

BobMem was viable to resign for the club due to the clubs willingness of spending more than £275k on pieces of candy to lure the defender back to the Boltsky Stadium

BobMem’s centeral defensive partner Roddy Hoolihan

Hoolihan was allowed to join back to the club for £325k after matching the clause of portraying an Irish stereotype, after pictures emerged the Irish international surrounded by potatoes and downing a pint of Guiness.

English under-21 goalkeeper John Wood

John Wood was allowed to sign for £120k after his clause was matched when former-number one Shepard refused to rejoin the club. He is also entitled to be the number one choice of goalkeeper for the forth-coming season.

Variated winger Mark Henderson

Henderson was able to sign for only for £160k after the clause that Stoke City was once again promoted back to the Premier League (after finished 2nd behind Newark) and the club’s dedication in financial supporting a website dedicated to a game more than 13 years old.

And former-Captain and Home-twon hero Fraser Hemphill

Hemphill was able to rejoin for £525k after Newark’s promotion to the Premier League and qualification for Europe matched two clauses in his contract. It has also been mentioned he has to be the highest earner within the club, and that he should be captain – though this is an issue that Mr. Bergstrom has stated would be discussed between current captain The Eejit and Hemphill come the Charity Shield match against Arsenal in August.

More signings and news are to be released to the public in the future, and we are keen to keep fans informed as developments occur.

For more Newark Athletic related News – stick to NewarkAthletic.com

15-11-14, 12:51 AM
Awesome! :ok:

15-11-14, 12:55 AM
Awesome! :ok:



15-11-14, 01:53 AM
It is not too late to join the Fearless Warriors!

No restrictions, or anything, just fill out (as much as you can) the form below and i will try and fix everything up so that you can join Niko's Swansong and Bartley's battle !

Applications for Newark Athletic Vacancies


Saturday 31st March 2012

Hello, vital reader!

Today you can embark on the journey of a professional footballer, and seek out the glory that entails with the sport as well as the chances to face the harsh judgements that is also bespoken upon. In order to fully delegate the future of this young and ambitious club, we call onto you – vital reader- to become a football player for the Fearless Warriors and to help the club's ambition to establish itself within the football world.

To apply, just fill out the application form below within the limit described, and you will become one step closer to finding the limelight of a professional footballer!

All players with have a -1 potential ability and a 100 current ability, players can leave a club after completion of the first full season if they want to, but risk becoming a underused player at another club. The date of birth should be from the year 2001, not 2012 or 2011 in order to get the right age for the game, otherwise there will be faults that will inherently problematic your role within the game.

Every player has a total of 150 points to spend, on all the attributes in the below picture, but is limited to only using ten 15 points on singlar attribute – you also have one 18, and 20 point addiction to spend also but all must be spent on ONE particular attribute and not broken down and spent upgrading already chosen atributes. Total should reach 188 points, and shown clearly.


Application form

Member Name:
Date of Birth:
Personality: (Explained below)
Football History: (What history do you have in football?)
Back story: (If you want to have a storyline commencing into the story, or want to explain character enter, if not leave blank)


For personality use code words that explain your players personality, which depending on the chosen personality will effect his Mental Traits to the game, for example: if a player is a DETERMINED, MATURE PROFESSIONAL then point will be added to determination, professionalism and sportsmanship, negative aspects will be gained to negative mental traits such as temperament, low-loyalty, and low-professionalism.

Please ask if needed any help, and submit applications down below. The date of closing is the 2nd January 2013, but an extention is willing if the number of applicants are down.

Best of wishes and Merry Christmas,

ZombieSnake aka ZanSnake

15-11-14, 05:54 PM
Yay :D

But i hope my new agent will be more loyal.

Baron Zbimg
15-11-14, 10:54 PM
Oh Man it's good to be back!!! All the best to Niko also!

Envoyé de mon iPhone à l'aide de Tapatalk

15-11-14, 11:08 PM
Oh and i forgot to ask, is nico gone for good or will he come back as for example manager of rival team?

16-11-14, 12:00 AM
Oh and i forgot to ask, is nico gone for good or will he come back as for example manager of rival team?


Dunno who Nico is :D

Niko - if that is whom you are enquiring about - is something you will have to wait to hear from :P

16-11-14, 11:47 PM

New Kit, New Sponsor, Familiar Faces


Newark Athletic is proud to reveal their new home and away kits for their debut season in the Premier League and UEFA Cup, in what is the fourth year of their contract with sports manufacturer Adidas.

For the final season under Niko Bergstrom, this well be the first time that Newark Athletic will be sponsored by Kellogg’s in promoting a healthy breakfast meal in our new promotion of Healthy Eating.


The club is also reverting back to their original home colours after their EA deal has finished over successful four year tenure. In which Adidas has revealed that the theme was ‘simplistic yet traditional’, promoting the club’s resurgence on par with others in the Barclay Premier League.


Alongside the new kit, we are so happy to welcome back a few more faces back into the squad as Diarmuid O’Toibin was welcomed back for £500k after publicly announcing his desire to leave for a Premier League club, in evoking Newark’s buy-back option.


The winger was brought back with Mexican Under-21 starlet Jose Hernandez (for £75k after being involved with the drug cartel allowed the club to pay for his bail, legal payments and his contract termination) and Artur Vasily (for £475k after being publicly declared as the owner’s illegitimate son).


BUT that wasn’t all that Newark Athletic will like to announce to fans, as the Board has agreed to a stadium expansion in the spirit of the new ways of the club:


With this expansion the club will have a larger attendance, hoping that future match day revenue from ticket sales will hope to add more money for Riley Bartley when he takes over from Mr. Bergstrom next summer.

Bergstrom is in talks about having another role within the club after his departure, though these are just hopeful talks at this moment in the early season.

Unfortunately the signatures of Zannit, Liam, Shepard and others wasn’t able to be agreed upon and the departures of Matt Tubbs to Sheffield Wednesday (£775k), Alex Nicholls to Doncaster (Bosman), David Marshall to Leiscester (£975k), Franco Vazquez to Arsenal de Sarandi (£1.9m) and Rueben Noble-Lazarus to Barnsley (£1m) will allow Bergstrom to include keen youngsters from the club’s impressive Academy for the future generations to continue on.

For more breaking news about Newark Athletic – say tuned to NewarkAthletic.com!

Baron Zbimg
17-11-14, 12:14 AM
Nice outfit ! What have the players done away from Newark ? Was Zbimg successful in Brazil ?

Envoyé de mon iPhone à l'aide de Tapatalk

17-11-14, 12:19 AM
Nice outfit ! What have the players done away from Newark ? Was Zbimg successful in Brazil ?

Envoyé de mon iPhone à l'aide de Tapatalk

You were there for like six months, played 1 game and scored but was homesick :P

17-11-14, 08:54 AM

Charity Shield Preview: Arsenal vs. Newark Athletic

It what would be a repeat of Newark’s triumphant replay of last season’s League Cup Quarter Final as Arsenal look favourites – once again – as they look to add to last season’s first trophy in the last decade with their Premiership Championship season.

It is a tale of two teams, or seemingly so, as Arsenal hope to add a second accolade under Steve Clarke, whereas Newark are looking for the perfect start for their send off to manager Niko Bergstrom in his final season at the club.

Newark have won 4 titles in as many years (BlueSquare Premier League, Sky Bet League Two, Sky Bet League One and Sky Bet Championship) and has won 3 cups alongside that, only missing out of the FA Trophy after a gruelling replay.

Newark’s rise since their initial establishment in 2012 has been a success story under the sole management of Niko Bergstrom, as Arsenal fans had to a decade for any inkling of success and two managers to be able to meet Newark Athletic for a second time in the last year.


But Steve Clarke hopes that summer signings of Isco from Malaga and Marc Muinesa from Barcelona will push on the team as the shocking signing of Luis Suarez from Liverpool will be the man to watch.

Suarez switched from Merseyside after scoring 154 goals in 200 games after the team failed once again to break into the top 4 after 4 years of trying. What was more shocking was the £10.5 million spent to bring him to London, just £500k less than what Aresnal spend on Muinesa.

Newark on the other hand have spent money on former players, in which Bergstrom brought back 10 players for only £2.9million thanks to specific clauses made within in the transfers out – an amount they easily made a profit from thanks to just 4 sales this summer, accounting up to £3.6 million.



Fans will no doubt be disappointed with Niko’s decision to leave the club after a tremendous record with his attacking approach to the game. The club scored a record 134 goals last season, and with all-time top goal scorer Lorenzo Zbimg back after a six month absence, in which he scored 115 goals in 145 games before leaving, it will add more prospects for the 120 miles their fans will have to travel.

But it is also Bergstrom’s win record that adds more fuel to the fire as he has won 163 games in 231 – a win percentage of 70.5% (second best in the world!) - Which includes winning 3 out of 4 Cup finals.

Clarke, on the other hand, has only been with Arsenal for over a year after taking over last May after David Moyes was sacked. In his first season Clarke got Arsenal into the Quarter Finals of the League Cup in which they lost on penalties to Niko’s Newark and the Semi-Final of the FA Cup in which they lost, once again, on penalties to rivals Chelsea. But was able to win the Barclay’s Premier League by 5 points over second placed Chelsea.


Arsenal have been deploying a defensive 4-5-1 formation during their preseason tour of Germany in both their 0-0 draw against Schalke and their 2-1 over Werder Bremen, though this was without their latest striker Suarez arriving at the club:


For Bergstrom, it is a hard one to determine. Last season Newark were deployed with a conventional 4-3-3, though with the recent signings of Kowalinho, Zbimg and the resurgence of striker Van der Voom towards the latter half, it is unknown if he will play the same tactic or will he try a simple 4-4-2:


To watch the game itself, tune in on Sunday 14th August from overage starting at 12:00pm on SkySports 1HD and 13D.

17-11-14, 09:01 AM
A reminder that every single update/post of this story is linked one-by-one in the first post of the story. Allows people to catch-up, begin to read, or even (though unlikely) re-read ;)

Happens instantly after the post is made !

17-11-14, 10:56 AM
The return of BranFlake, but I think that the Arsenal sponsor is a bit rude :redface:

Good to see this back. Come on the ....... (do Newark have a nickname ?)

17-11-14, 12:51 PM
Just look at that centre half partnership. Like Rolls and Royce!

Come on you....er.... Brannies? Flakies?

17-11-14, 01:06 PM
Just hold on a wee minute here ! WTF is going on ?

First thing that the club captain knows that he is dropped is when he reads about it in some random website

*Unhappy with his manager

19-11-14, 10:53 AM
The return of BranFlake, but I think that the Arsenal sponsor is a bit rude :redface:

Good to see this back. Come on the ....... (do Newark have a nickname ?)

You have been at the club for 4 years and yet you still don't know?

And yet moan about POSSIBLY being replaced as captain?


Niko has tried to contact you, but you have been still 'celebrating' with Pixie Lott and Frankie Bridge.

Also peeps, the SkySports is a 'possible' starting 11, nothing has been set in stone yet :ok:

19-11-14, 01:32 PM
I've been through the whole story (excellent read) and I can't find a nickname mentioned. I bet it is something boring like "Latics" or "Newarkers". Maybe the "J-Zees" or "Alicias" as they sang about the town in Empire State of Mind" :drum:

I'll take my coat. :sorry:

19-11-14, 02:09 PM
It's "The Vipers"...

19-11-14, 06:50 PM
It's 'Fearless Warriors', hence 'Fearless' in the title and in the previous carnations it's been called Fearless Warriors.

19-11-14, 08:49 PM
“If it’s a glorified friendly, then I guess I am a glory hunter” – Newark Athletic pragmatic Manager Niko Bergstrom says before Glorious start of Final Campaign

• Start of his fifth and final season in charge of club
• Talks about the resigning of former Youth Products
• Highlights possible ventures for the future
• Niko: ‘I am as scared of Suarez, as I am of a rabid dog!’
• Relationship with a global superstar: ‘I would like to think I am adored by millions around the world too!’

By Ben Dover N’Taykit
Published: Mailone, 22:23, 8th August 2005

In just shy of six days, the world of football will have their eyes set on watching the final season of one of the most unusual, eccentric and talented managers to ever graced the English game: Niko Bergstrom.

Despite the fact that most footballers normally retire at the age of 36, it seems that hasn’t stop Niko, 30, of ending his managerial career for a second time despite only have ten years’ experience under his belt.

Another possible trophy to add to the ever-growing cabinet at the Boltsky Stadium

For Niko it’s a simple decision to make: his personal life is more ‘normal’ (judged against his last few years), he’s romantic life is set and he has as much money as he could bare to have!

But that isn’t a surprise after getting Newark Athletic – prominently nicknamed ‘Fearless Warriors’ – into the limelights of Premier League football in under four years as well as the UEFA Cup, thanks to a treble winning campaign last year, but that isn’t the reason why Niko is hanging his pen and pad up.

“They always say to retire when you have had your glory days – but why? What, so that you can add a stupid amount of expectation on the person replacing you? F**K off!”

The ever media shy man blurted out on a tyrannical rant, as humble as one would expect from someone with his kind of personality.

“This season would be great for me – I can either give Riley a winning squad or a bunch of losers – I am fine, I have gone. My history was last season; I have no clear obligation for this season but not to f**k up!”

Niko, who was reminded not to constantly swear, is someone with a simple taste – despite his history – and that is what drives him on in management.

“I am a loyal person, if the club NEEDED me I would continue, but if the club WANTED me then I would go. I was hired to do a job and I’ve accomplished it, my need to be at the Boltsky Stadium is gone! It is Riley’s opportunity, I am now just the guy whose going to enjoy being the man in charge!”

[B]Niko’s Replacement: ‘It is Riley’s opportunity!’

But despite that, his honesty shows a rather contradictive perspective went asked about the chance of further victorious trophies this season – of course starting from Sunday’s game against Arsenal.

“I am not a plonker! Of course we are fighting for the frigging thing! Some say ‘it’s a glorified friendly’, well that is for losers! I guess you can call me a glory hunter, because I am a winner!”

His enthusiasm isn’t dented from the prospect of facing against Arsenal’s new attacking starlet – Luis Suarez.

“I am as scared of Suarez, as I am of a rabid dog – and I am a clone of human perfection, meaning that rabid dog is more scared of me!”

Even though the prospect of facing Suarez hasn’t unnevered the youngster Football Manager ever, it was the questioning of such that did.

“I am sorry to say this: but you a f**king arsehole! You speak of Suarez, but fail to mention the amazing talent that Newark has? A team that has won more in four years than Arsenal have in a decade? F**k off!”

Suarez should be scared of Niko’s team: though he dislikes the disrespect of his side

After another gentle reminder about not swearing, and another cigarette, Niko soon elaborates.

“I want this season to be the final swansong of the identity I built at this club – meaning the return of players that started here as I did – but everyone has seemed to fail that! We have Lorenzo [Zbimg] who’s scored 116 goals while still aged 20! [Fraser] Hemphill who made 24 assists in his debut season! The Eejit: captained the FA Cup win, Wato: the Columbian Frank Lampard!”

“This is their last chance to help the club, as a team, to the next level – with or without me!”

But it was the captaincy that has been the biggest problem that Niko has faced so far in his final season, after the return of local boy-hero Fraser Hemphill returned back to the club.

“Hemphill has been very respectful – a very unlucky deniable leader – and has said that he would be happy being the vice-captain for this season, and The Eejit continue being the Captain this season, with Riley choosing the next captain he wants.”

What should be terrific news for the Scotsman instead turned out to be a sudden realisation of the footballer and Lynx models off-field behaviour.

“I was trying to contact Eejit about the news, but I couldn’t get through to him. It was easier back in the day because we used to share a house to restrict his ill-discipline and off-field behaviour, but now he shares an apartment with fellow Scot Jordan Orr.”

It was from talking from the under-21 Scotsman Niko learned of his captain’s celebrating.

“Eejit was given an extended holiday due to the fact he played over 50 games! It turned out for his ‘holiday’, he spent time ‘celebrating’ the team’s success with singers Pixie Lott and Frankie Sandford!”

Pixie Lott: One of the recruits of Eejit’s personal ‘Fearless Warrior’ tribe

With nigh days of management soon to be behind him, what is set in the future for the enigmatic Croatian?

“I am still talking to the Board about some kind of ambassador role within the club – global marketing supervisor or something – basically giving me the excuse to get paid while touring around the world with Kesh.”

The ‘Kesh’ that Niko mentions is his partner Kesha – an obsession turned relationship – whom he says is now jealous of his fame.

“She’s mad that I have become the world wide brand name, and to be honest I am proud! I thought it was about time I was the person being adored by millions around the world! But no more singing from me.”

So for the second time in his career Niko hopes to bow out of the footballing world, despite finally being accepted into it as a great, and this time there won’t be a soppy album called ‘The Endless Journey’.

“One of the lads, Bob, said to me: ‘History is not written by those who are right, but by those who are left.’ I slapped the fucker round the head and said, ‘It doesn’t matter if they lived on the right or left side, only if they knew how to use a pen and a fucking paper!’ For me, it isn’t directional but forwards!”

We’ll let those ones off, Niko.

19-11-14, 09:06 PM
Love it!

19-11-14, 10:55 PM
Chapter One: Beginning of the End


After just finishing the interview for the Daily Mail article, it was straight back to business for me, overlooking training files in preparation for the Arsenal game.

Niko: I think I will use the 4-3-3 for the game, a mixture of the old with the new would be the best option!

Looking over the scribbles of rating from the coaches it was the same thing I had become normally with for the last few years, but this time it felt different, as I looked around my office – it all visually looked the same dearie place I had to put up with despite the improvements of coming up into the leagues – the atmosphere felt cold and silent.

Haunting my mind like a bad one night stand, something I hadn’t had for a long time.

Niko: What the hell?

My nerves heightened, every sound echoed: the birds chirping on the trees outside, crapping on the car windows, to the loud screams of the training occurring. This meant something bad was going to happen, a foresight that someone or something will make my bad a little more problematic, and right on cue….


Flying debris of my office wall came crashing towards me, flinging myself over my desk, I watched as a large wrecking ball hung into where my toilet seat was. Dusting myself off, scraping off the cement particles that had dirtied my once-white shirt, I raised up from the floor as stared towards the machinery that had made it:


It was a crew of builders, all bigger than the average person – with their bullies hanging out of their repeated attire.

Niko: What the fuck do you think you’re doing?
Builder: We’re doing the remodelling of this wing! You’re not meant to be in there!

Screamed the driver over the roaring engine of the metal beast the power the large metal ball.

Niko: Well, I am! It’s my fucking office!
Builder: Well, we are the Amazing Modelling Crew! We were hired and told to remodel this room for the BBC for a Mr. Bartley!
Niko: What!

I screamed at them as I walked past the last few inches of wall towards the ‘Crew’.

Niko: Bartley ordered this!!

They all nodded in unison, like a bunch of fucking puppets being controlled by a master – a master who had pushed the limit! As I walked behind the crane, with a sudden surge of anger I lashed out with a kick against the back, smacking back onto a lever with a sign saying ‘Don’t Kick This in Anger!’. It seemed the warning was genuine as soon, atop of the wrecking ball emerged a unwanted guest.


Niko: Ah, Come on! How many times is that going to be referenced!

I screamed, as another surge of anger seized up resulting in me punching a red button.


Punching the red button, this had another warning that said: ‘Do not punch when in a fit of anger about the appearance of Miley Cyrus!’

Once again the warning was genuine as the crane started to bump up and down, with large fumes and smoke emerging from the engine. As the rocking movement got more aggressive, I started to back off knowing the predictable result.


Nothing happened. I stood there watching, hoping, pleading that they would suddenly die in an explosion, but they didn’t. In anger I turned my shoulder against, which is when it happened. As I turned it, a sudden group of screams occurred with a large smash, as I turned around that was when I saw the mess that occurred….


You see; Shrek wasn’t meant to have gone on a killing spree. He was just green with envy after finding out his inter-species partner Donkey was sleeping around with the Three Blind Mice and the Three Littles Pigs – though they would later plead it wasn’t consensual – and after hearing those magical words being said that summoned him, it transported him to a world that was beyond his recognition!


It was no longer detailed in a computer program: the beautiful colours didn’t shine; the twirping of the birds didn’t come in beautiful renditions of jolly tunes; it was too real. It was gritty, it was dark, and it was UGLY!


He screamed out, charging at the group of people that faced him, amazed by his sudden appearance after saying ‘Shrek is love, Shrek is life’. He grabbed the large metal chain and swung it round, smashing the walls of the office – crushing Miley Cyrus instantly – before colliding into the still amazed group of builders!

http://d75822.medialib.glogster.com/media/22/2267fced4357051cbe379e71da89555ffeafa32c05813ceb63 b70c26e5213cbb/1772186299-6b4765da48-jpg.jpg

As the blood sprayed out and turned the once green face red, I could only stand and watched as he fell onto his knees. Single handily he had killed Amazing Modelling Crew AND Miley Cyrus

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Shrek killed two AMCs!
Shrek: Donkey, you b:censored:!

And soon, he was gone in a large cloud of ‘poof!’.



After that, I walked into the remains of my office, grabbed the last papers I had forgotten and charged towards one place to see one person.


Niko: You fucking prick!
Riley: Guess they came early then?
Niko: What made you think you could do something like that?
Riley: Because I am replacing you, and your office is a shit-hole – literally, it had a toilet as a seat for the desk!
Niko: You replace me at the END of the season!
Riley: Yeah, but the project was at least a year long – so please leave the crew alone, okay?
Niko: Well, I can’t even talk to them – they are dead.
Riley: What!?

He shot up straight up from his chair with anger and confusion.

Riley: You didn’t like them so, you killed them? What kind of moral compass is that!
Niko: Hey, I have killed many AMCs, but I didn’t kill them arseholes – it was Shrek!
Riley: That bastard!

He seemed somewhat reserved in response.

Niko: Wait, why aren’t you angrier?
Riley: I always knew he would come back to ruin something – but to kill? That’s a bit far!
Niko: What?
Riley: It’s nothing. Just fuck off back to your office, or something!
Niko: I would fucking love to, but someone got half of it fucking knocked down!
Riley: Only half? For fucksake!
Niko: Hello, my office?
Riley: Just use my soon-to-be Assistant Manager’s office for now!

After being ushered out by his hand, I arrived to the destination of the ‘future Assistant Manager’ office:


Niko: This is taking the piss!
Kowalinho: I dunno how to say this, but so am i!
Niko: Ah, fuck off!
Kowalinho: I already did that once, should I do it again?

Slamming my toilet door and locket it, I sat down and face palmed as I looked over the blood-soaked and unreadable documents that laid onto the desk.


After days of ‘visits’ from the team-mates I had finally decided the 18 members who would be facing Arsenal in the Charity Shield:


A team that I think could make a good impression as the first test of the season – the other being the season opener against runners-up Chelsea and then Man City – but it seemed Clarke didn’t feel the same way, as his side was completely against what SkySports had predicted, thanks to international friendlies and manager complacency?


As time starting to tick off towards kick-off, surely we had to win this poor side we are facing – right?

But it wasn’t that simple.

Depite fielding what would be seen as a weaker side, they still had a strong B-squad, which caused it hard to break down the defences and really threaten the goal of Brian Crane.


After the end of the first half, the statistics shown a woeful half in which neither side really went for the full bull of the game, not grabbing the horns but rather licking their balls like a dog. The only positive was the enforced change of Kowalinho for Cica from 20 minutes on wards – and the eventual change to a 4-4-2.

http://img.bleacherreport.net/img/slides/photos/003/560/047/hi-res-e8432d71c95bb1738140acc6e71160db_crop_north.jpg?w= 630&h=420&q=75

Straight from the second half, Kowalinho was influential to turn what was turning out to be another poof boring half into something magical for the travelling fans.


But the power house of Kowalinho wasn’t enough as it usurped Clarke’s men in defence as well. But ultimately it was Crane that was the man who was keeping the gunners within the game, and when the chance was aptly given the man it came too couldn’t finish it!


And into the dying embers of the game, and despite our tremendous stats, it was only going to go one way: PENALTIES!


So it would be, once again, coming down to penalties against the Gunners – and due to the fact that we won last time – I was as confident as I could as the aligned up with Woods between the post (who had a rather exceptional performance when called upon).


And so the drama commenced:


We had done it for a second time, and in the end it all came down to a tremendous performance!


And it was yet another piece of silverware for the club once again:

After the game I was doing an interview with a generic reporter:

Reporter – “A well-earned win for you! How does it feel to win the Charity Shield?”
Niko – “Nice? What the hell do you think it feels like!”
Reporter – “It came down to penalties in the end, but you showed dominance, because you lacked finishing in the chance you created?”
Niko – “Someone times it’s better to take your time, and then boast! They injured Cica, but I think we injured their ego!”
Reporter – “But surely, the fact you were only able to draw with a weakened Arsenal should show weaknesses?”
Niko – “I see weaknesses everywhere! I am looking at one now!”
Reporter – “What?”
Niko – “You little s:censored:! What f:censored:ing arsehole says that! And since the f:censored:ing hell did I talk to the journo’s!!”

After the Arsenal game, we had to put all our attention straight to our next opponents: Chelsea at home! But first we had to deal with another problem:


This meant Cica could miss 4 games in the Premier League, as well as whoever would be our first round opponents in the UEFA Cup would be. But that didn’t stop us, as at home we deployed the 4-4-2 formation with Eejit and Wato in midfield:

Saturday 20th August 2005
Barclay Premier League
Newark v. Chelsea
(Henderson ‘2, Wato ’36, Zbimg ’67)(Cabaye ’49)
MoM – E. Wato

A brilliant second half performance allowed us to repeat the past, with Carvajal getting two assists and Wato one more to earn himself – alongside his goal of course – the Man of the Match award. A tremendous showing of attacking prowess made it an entertaining for the record holding attendants as 16,304 came to see the match.

Though this would be the lowest attendance within the Premier League, it was the match up that I cared more about.

Straight after the game was the draw for the First Round of the UEFA Cup, hoping for a simple team to get the blood tested, my answers were awarded:


This would be only the second time that Sigma had come into the First Round in recent history, being beaten either in qualifying or in this round to never go further – a tradition I hope we can continue.

Though it seems that we would be without Cica for another game, I wasn’t too bothered as I hoped that with the large squad I now had, I could rotate positions within the Cups and Europe to ensure more wins as well as excluding possible fitness problems.

But my focus was once again certainly on our next opponent: Man City.


The team seemed like one of the truly proven challengers to the title, and to even get a good performance against them would be the start of the indication that we were big time challengers for the Champions League positions:

Wednesday 24th August 2005
Barclays Premier League
Man City v. Newark
(Aguero ‘6, Guidetti ‘9, Lescott ’20, Poli ’23)(Henderson pen 3, Zbimg ’42, Hemphill ’86)
MoM – L. Zbimg

Another tremendous display of attacking prowess, though an example of the young and inexperienced of the defence and especially Woods’ who had to be substituted for the second half, but once again another possible hint towards the kind of form we could be gathering into the future.

Both Henderson and Zbimg had now scored 2 in 2 games for the club, showing the prowess of the constant evolution that squad were showing within training and on the field.

But within my ‘office’ there were complaints, next door:


Kowalinho: Boss, I don’t know how to say this, but I am scared shitless! Literally!
Niko: Why are you using these toilets?
Kowalinho: They give me more leg room! Plus, then I wouldn’t have to be made fun of when I go ‘poopy’ because I wax my legs!
Niko: I think the fact you call it ‘poopy’ should be the reason they make fun of you! Now, why are you ‘scared’?
Kowalinho: I hope she isn’t here, but I am afraid that I am in the wrong relationship!
Niko: You’re still with her?
Kowalinho: We have a contract, you see! And, how do I say this, I am getting ‘f:censored: from behind by a legalised dildo’! Literally!
Niko: I don’t think you meant Literally there, Kacper!
Kowalinho: I do. She likes to remind me when I have, ah, ‘boom-boom’.
Niko:’ Boom-boom’?
Kowalinho: The noise my head makes against the frame!
Niko: Well, what can I do? I am a football manager! That’s what people care about, not personal lives!
Kowalinho: But, you are a personal football manager – a manager who cares for morals!
Niko: And yet I f:censored: your dream girl! So much caring!
Kowalinho: She isn’t her!

With that being said, I heard a flush and my door was flung open to see the Polish international with something in his hand.


Not wanting to mention it, he continued.

Kowalinho: I want you to ‘deal’ with her!
Niko: What? I am not being ‘boomed boomed’ by her anymore!
Kowalinho: No, how can I say this? I want you to….. ‘Slaughter her and her whole family until the last remaining bloodline is forced to run and live into the caves, forever cowering in fear!’


Niko: Damn! What the hell do you watch?
Kowalinho: American television?
Niko: Okay I’ll help, but NOT THAT! Firstly, stop watching that crap!

Kowalinho was so happy, he hugged me – spilling my hot coffee onto my lap – and then I realised something.

Niko: You haven’t washed your hands have you?

And with that, it was straight back for a deep shower and back into the football!

Saturday 27th August 2005
Barclay’s Premier League
Newark v. Tottenham
(Hemphill ’54)(Keane ’90)
Carvajal sent off ‘88
MoM – R. Hoolihan

Without the influence of the captain, who was ruled out with a 7 day injury he sustained in the challenge against Kowalinho (who finally retaliated for the waxing jibes, funny enough, against the other waxing team member), BobMem stepped up to the cause after Hemphill refused – instead wanting to earn the role – and what came was a defensive show down.

Neither side attacked much, and for that it was Hoolihan who earned the Man of the Match award, in a game that looked like we could win after Hemphill’s free-kick on the 54th minute (the only shot on target!) but Carvajal’s made it impossible to handle the left wing!

And eventually sub Will Keane was able to gain the away team the point. For the first time we had played the 4-3-3 from the start – a test for the UEFA Cup – as well as O’Toibin and Clayton starting for the club this season.

With the end of August, it was now proper time for the season to take course!

Saturday 10th September 2005
Barclay Premier League
Newark v. Sunderland
(Henderson ’72)
MoM – M. Henderson

Only two changes occurred with the second successive start with the 4-3-3 formation, Conor McLaughlin and The Eejit came into the side though neither made their starts made them felt within the game – as it was yet another – bore fest.

Henderson had now scored his third of the season, as Lorenzo kept Kowalinho off the field due to an increasing amount of impressive build-up play earning the assist to a fine volleyed goal!


Next up was the visit to the Czech Republic as we would be hosted by Sigma for our First EVER game in the European competition, UEFA Cup, and as promised there was a rotation within the squad but not the tactic. And the twon of Olomouc was a nice historic place to be visiting during the build-up of the Premier League fury:


Thursday 15th September 2005
UEFA Cup 1st Round Leg. 1
Sigma v. Newark
(Kowalinho ’26 ’49)
MoM – Kowalinho

Despite the four overall changes, there was only two people who made their efforts felt. One was the Man of the Match Kowalinho who matched his rivals 2 goals with a brace, as well as Hemphill’s goal tally, and Tibor Cica who – along with Wato – got the assist for one of the goals.

It was a game in which was totally one sided – a complete domination – that left the home fans mortified with this unknown club thrashing their local team!


Back to Engalnd, Zbimg was called back into action as we faced a struggling Fulham who looked like they would be proper candidates for relegation – something I wanted to make worse after the result!

Sunday 18th September 2005
Barclay Premier League
Fulham v. Newark
(Hemphill ’36)
MoM – A. Butler

A stubborn Fulham defence meant that it was a struggle to break down the defence of the home side, only allowing use to have 3 shots on target from 12 attempts. Fortunately it was a superb assist from the captain The Eejit that allowed Hemphill to header in the only goal of the game!

Going for a shot, the confident Scottish hardman slipped into a banana shot!


Which lookly had such a narrow height that allowed Hemphill to simply headed it pass a bemused Fulham defence – and goalkeeper – and into the back of the net, the humble Eejit instantly said it was a part of his ‘master tactician’ book.

The lack of finishing forced me to play both Vasily and Kowalinho with 24 minutes on the clock, but neither of them could really add to what was a frustrating Fulham performance.

Saturday 24th September 2005
Barclays Premier League
Newark v. Birmingham
(The Eejit ‘1, Wato ‘7, Hemphill ’85)
MoM – F. Hemphill

An unchanged side for yet another lower team position, and for the second week running another amusing showing of The Eejit’s extraordinary ‘tactics’ as another tremendous build-up play from Zbimg was met with the ‘ass bump’ of Eejit which went floating into the back of the net only seconds of the game in.

Eejit - The one who flung himself into the air

He added to this with a weird celebration in front of the home fans who didn’t know how to react. I applauded as it seemed his rather unorthodox approach to football continued to add to the squad. But really, the show was done to the former captain!

A terrific free kick and a constant threat awarded Hemphill with the Man of the Match award, though this could have easily gone to Lorenzo as he snared another two assists as he did a perfectly timed pass for Wato to latch onto!


For the second leg, I went with only one change as Carvajal was brought back in the right-back position instead of McLaughlin – I promised to Kowalinho that he would play the next Premier League game.

Thursday 29th September 2005
UEFA Cup 1st Round Leg. 2
Newark v. Sigma
MoM – J. Snricek

It wasn’t an awesome showing, but it was what we really wanted. Both sides were equally aware of each other’s threats and was both dealt with. Sigma’s goalkeeper stepped for his side as they clinged on for the sake of pride, and I was able to rewarded them for that by introducing Yermolai’s son Vasily into the second half with one of the Academy’s hopeful Nathan Trigg – who replaced the captain The Eejit – with 20 minutes left.


Trigg was only 18 years old and certainly looked like a good prospect for Riley to work with in the future. This was an inclination of myself wanting to try to include more of the youth into the team that had emerged from the amazing Academy the club had established – plus the young signings I had brought in this season also to help with depth – but more about that in the future.

Straight after the 0-0 draw, we were informed who would be our next round opponenets:


It was a major European team this time around, the Turkish giants Galatasary. After failing to achieve a qualification for the Champions League, the side was able to thrash Wolfsburg 4-1 on aggregate to go through. My first test within Europe had been set, and I will be challenged on containing striker Yilmaz who had scored 8 goals in 9 games!

But next up was Newcastle and true to my word, it was time for some changes!

Jose Hernandez started at right back, Ximo on the right wing and Kowalinho as the striker – it was now time to face Alan Pardew, who had won both the FA Cup and Charity Shield in the last couple of seasons.


Sunday 2nd October 2005
Barclays Premier League
Newcastle v. Newark
(De Bruyne ’18, Ba ’52)(Kowalinho ’66)
Cica sent off ‘23
MoM – T. Kalas

A frustrating result as we lost both Cica due to his own stupidity and Willis to injury within 9 minutes of each other!


Just 5 minutes after De Bruyne had scored, Cica decided to land a left-hook onto Steven Taylor which resulted in a deserved sending off, and set in motion a turn of events that lead to a game of chase!

After his sending off, Willis went off forcing to play an awkward Carvajal to play on the left-back position for the rest of the game. But it was thanks to the former-Chelsea duo that denied us anything. Kalas was a rock in the back for the home side and denied any chance that was created!

A Wato made a great chance for Kowalinho to score after Ba added insult to injury, but we never really looked set to really challenge for the point and in the end left with a bitter taste in the mouth.

Cica was disciplined, in which he disagreed with and was resulted with the transfer list:


But despite that, we would start the rest of October with a hopeful start:


But that wasn’t going to cut for me, and it was time to start fully immerse myself within the realm of management of a Premier League side. And this meant more rotation, more hunger and more tactical changes. And, within the League Cup, maybe some youth can be able to demonstrate their skill:


Only the future knows how it will be!

Baron Zbimg
20-11-14, 12:57 AM
Riley is a prick !! Nice intro, and nice job by Shrek!

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20-11-14, 09:49 AM
Great interview with Ben Dover N'takit. I could happily enjoy the lifestyle that I have

Shame about the builders, but Milley is no great loss. Interesting relationship with Rilley starting. Will he survive to become manager ?

Right lads, lets get tore into these Arsenal fuckers. Bags first two footed tackle on Suarez.

20-11-14, 11:03 AM
What i was doing in ass man office? There is no toilets in club? Or maybe im the future asistant? ;)

24-11-14, 08:12 PM
Edited now ;)

24-11-14, 08:14 PM

Baron Zbimg
25-11-14, 12:09 AM
Zbimg prefering to be a playmaker than scoring ? Going to Brazil did him no good although it's still a decent start for Newark.

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29-11-14, 02:01 AM
Damn, expected a post from Eejit about the amazing form he has had recently :tsk:

Oh well!

Currently writing next chapter, but will write two in the space of time top post one mid-week, so that come next weekend should be the fourth chapter. Gonna try and end Niko's final season before xmas so then i can start doing the 'Riley Era' and then the 'hopeful' future i have envisioned (no spoilers). So either Sunday/Monday for next update, and then another one either Wednesday/Thursday and then another one NEXT sunday/Monday.

Might be a reoccuring theme, dunno yet. Depends on UnI!