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10-12-12, 11:46 PM
A Golden and Fearless Ambition
The Fearless Warriors

The story follows the latest football club established in England, Newark Atheltic FC, which is owned by a mad Russian billionaire who wants to win the Champions League and own a massively successful football club in the best league in the world, the English Premier League. But, the team is limited to start from the English Conference and build it's reputation season-by-season, to reach the heights that are set by the ambitious owner.

Through the eyes of Niko Bergstrom - you get to see the tribulation of a unreal and hectic personal life with the added pressure of being a football manager.

Will they succeed, or will they fail?

Let's find out!

Chapters of the Story so far:

Niko Bergstrom Era


News of a Team Closing Down - Sky Sports - January 20th 2012 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=69755#post69755)
Tamworth No More! - Sky Sports - February 21st 2012 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=69757#post69757)
Newark Athletic: New Team - Sky Sports - March 1st 2012 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=69883#post69883)
Why Newark? - Daily Mail - March 2nd 2012 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=70250#post70250)
Newark Kit and Manager Shortlist - Newark Advertiser - March 12th 2012 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=70287#post70287)
Manager Biography - Newark Advertiser - March 16th 2012 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=74432#post74432)
Bergstrom Signs as Manager! - Newark Advertiser - June 4th 2012 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=74592#post74592)

The First Season:

The First Journey - Introduction: New Beginnings (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=75057#post75057)

The First Journey - Chapter One: Air of Expectancy (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=79588#post79588)

Interval (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=90869#post90869)

The First Journey - Chapter One: Air of Expectancy: Continued! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=91192#post91192)

The First Journey - Chapter One: Air of Expectancy: Concluded! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=92087#post92087)

Interview With Niko Bergstrom - Sky Sports - August 1st 2012 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=94636#post94636)

The First Journey - Chapter Two: Rolling Into A Deep Pile Of... (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=95024#post95024)

Prime Minister:'Niko In the Clear' - The Sun - August 30th 2012 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=95270#post95270)

The First Journey - Chapter Three: Marching On! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=96106#post96106)

The First Journey - Chapter Three: Marching On!: Continued! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=98737#post98737)

The First Journey - Chapter Four: Change is for the Better (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=100380#post100380)

Ate-It A Bitch: Man Dies from Radioactive posion after being Ingested by Japanese Monster - The Sun - Monday 4th November 2012 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=100998#post100998)

The First Journey - Chapter Five: Cup Ties and Decisions (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=101102#post101102)
The First Journey - Chapter Five: Cup Ties and Decisions: Continued! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=101853#post101853)

The First Journey - Chapter Six: A December to Remember! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=103514#post103514)
The First Journey - Chapter Six: A December to Remember!: Continued!

The First Journey - Chapter Seven: A New Year to Shine! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=109237#post109237)

The First Journey - Chapter Eight: Love Nor- (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=109388#post109388)
The First Journey - Chapter Eight and A Half: Love Nor Glory (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=111758#post111758)

The First Journey - Chapter Nine: Tying Up Loose Ends! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=112620#post112620)
The First Journey - Chapter Nine: Tying Up Loose Ends!:Continued! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=113666#post113666)
The First Journey - Chapter Nine: Tying Up Loose Ends!: Continued! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=116779#post116779)

Post Season Review with Niko Bergstrom (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=116896#post116896)

The Second Season

New Kit and New Signings! - Newark Advertiser - 30th June 2013 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=117106#post117106)

The Second Journey - Chapter One: Relaxing and Revising! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=119461#post119461)
The Second Journey - Chapter One: Relaxing and Revising! Continued! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=120652#post120652)
The Second Journey - Chapter One: Relaxing and Revising! Continued! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=122619#post122619)

The Second Journey - Chapter Two: Wheels in Motion! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php/2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition?p=122834#post122834)

The Second Journey - Chapter Three: Fighting On! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=135058#post135058)

The Second Journey - Chapter Four: Circumstances Arise! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=138763#post138763)

The Second Journey - Chapter Five: Came in Like a Wrecking Ball! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=141141#post141141)

The Second Journey - Chapter Six: Christmas Chronicles (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=146886#post146886)
The Second Journey - Chapter Six: Christmas Chronicles! Continued - Delayed Edition! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=153424#post153424)

The Second Journey - Chapter Seven: Onward to The New Challenges! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=158566#post158566)

Newark Holds First Division West Ham for Replay as Manager is No-Show! - theFAcup - Saturday 25th January 2014 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=158576#post158576)

BREAKING NEWS: Football Manager Missing! - The Sun - Sunday 26th January 2014 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=158585#post158585)

Newark Rides On against Exeter - BBC Sport - Wednesday 29th January 2014 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=160539#post160539)

Newark Athletic's Form Continues as Manager still Missing - BBC Sport - Saturday 1st February 2014 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=160575#post160575)

Newark Lucky to Continue as Penalties are their Saviours - BBC Sport - Tuesday 4th February 2014 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=160614#post160614)

Police Investigation Close to Break Through - Newark Advertiser - Monday 10th February 2014 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=162036#post162036)

Newark dealt A Blow after Hopeful News - BBC Sport - Wednesday 12th February 2014 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=162043#post162043)

The Second Journey - Chapter Eight: The Master has Returned! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=163485#post163485)
The Second Journey - Chapter Eight: The Master has Returned! Continued! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=163538#post163538)
The Second Journey - Chapter Eight: The Master has Returned! Continued! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=165888#post165888)

The Second Journey - Chapter Nine: Biting the Bullet! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=165923#post165923)
The Second Journey - Chapter Nine: Biting the Bullet! Continued! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=166028#post166028)

The Dreaded Interview! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=167533#post167533)

Post-Season Review! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=167539#post167539)

The Third Season

Newark Athletic shows New Kit and New Shirt Manufactuer! -- Newark Advertiser - 3rd June 2014 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&page=16&p=167945#post167945)

The Set-Up to the Third Act... (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=168582#post168582)

The Start...... (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=168597#post168597)

The Realisation - Chapter One! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=169172#post169172)

The Realisation - Chapter Two (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=179705#post179705)

Chapter Three: A World Full of Hurt (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=179790#post179790)

The Aftermath - Chapter Four (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=179959#post179959)

The Curtain Call - Chapter Five (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=180069#post180069)

Post-Season Review (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=180109#post180109)

The Fourth Season

Police Called to Bergstrom House-Hold -- Newark Advertiser -- Monday 31st May 2004 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=180133#post180133)

Bergstrom Signs on the Dotted Line -- Newark Athletic Website -- Friday 4th June 2004 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=180154#post180154)

Regrouping for the Battle - Chapter 1 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=180217#post180217)

The Fame - Chapter Two (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=180644#post180644)

Aiming for Glory - Chapter Three (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=181633#post181633)

A Daily Story for Morning Glory - Chapter Four (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=183495#post183495)

A Golden Ambition - Chapter Five (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=183564#post183564)

The Fifth and Final Season

News in Newark is Hard to Take! -- Newark Advertiser (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=205238#post205238)
Revelations of Future Seasons! -- NewarkAthletic.com (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=205272#post205272)
New Kit, New Sponsor, Familiar Faces -- NewarkAthletic.com (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=205549#post205549)
Charity Shield Preview: Arsenal vs. Newark Athletic -- SkySports
Niko Bergstrom: Pre-Game Hype -- Daily Mail -- Monday 8th August 2005 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=205572#post205572)

Chapter One: The Beginning of the End - TBE! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=206162#post206162)

Chapter Two: Establishing the Enemy! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=215442#post215442)

Chapter Three:Fighting Friendly Foes?! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=216496#post216496)

Chapter Four: Seasons Greetings! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=218853#post218853)

Chapter Five: Start of an Unsettling End! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=235547#post235547)

Chapter Six: Getting Closer to Dawn! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=237220#post237220)

Chapter Seven: Dawn of the Day! (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=237390#post237390)

Breaking News! Newark Athletic Manager Released after Intense Questioning -- Daily Mail (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=238805#post238805)
Newark March on Depsite Hectic Times -- NewarkAthletic.Com (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=238826#post238826)

Final Chapter: Day of Judgement. (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=239068#post239068)

Niko Bergstrom: Tragic Circumstance -- Daily Mail -- Friday 19th May 2006 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=239100#post239100)
Remembrance Day for Bergstrom -- NewarkAthletic.Com (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=239384#post239384)

Aftermath Era

Mark Hughes Announced as New Newark Athletic Manager -- BBC sport (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=239393#post239393)

Season 1 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=239802#post239802)
Season 2 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=239967#post239967)
Season 3 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=240708#post240708)
Season 4 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=242474#post242474)
Season 5 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=242797#post242797)
Season 6 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=244522#post244522)

Is there a Fearless fascination occurring? -- Daily Mail (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=244748#post244748)

Season 7 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&page=23&p=248328#post248328)
Season 8 (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=249461#post249461)

The Long Shadow...
The Finale (http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2520&p=262990#post262990)








2014/15 - 2015/16



2016/17 (Final Kits)



Newark Atheltic History

FA Trophy - Runners-Up 2002
Vans Trophy - Winners 2003
Conference - Winners 2002
Third Division - Winners 2003
Second Division - Winners 2004
First Division - Winners 2005
League Cup - Winners 2005, Runners-Up 2006, 2014
FA Cup - Winners 2005, Runners-Up 2008
FA Charity Shield - Winners 2005
UEFA Cup - Winners 2006
European Super Cup - Runners-Up 2006
FIFA World Cup Championship - 3rd Place 2007

After Niko

European Super Cup - Runners-Up 2006
FIFA World Club Championship - 3rd Place 2007
FA Cup - Runners-Up 2008
League Cup - Runners-Up 2014

10-12-12, 11:54 PM
Shocking news as FA announces that a team will be brought in to Blue Square Premier League, replacing a team that has announced plans of closure


Friday 20th January 2012

The Football Association have announced that a team that plans closure at the end of the season will be replaced by a new team, apart of the governing bodies new intuitive of gaining small towns and cities a chance to get an opportunity to have a taste of the English game, saying that 'influencing the youth and the spectators of the sport to the lowest populised areas' to garner the traditional 'beauty' of the game and for communities to grow from the financial gain of having a local professional football team.

Head of the 'Small Fish, Big Pond' project, Mark Grayson, has described the thought behind the shocking decision, that they hope will help gain a positive look for the sport in the long run.

"When we look at England, a lot of people see the larger cities and forget the historically-rich small towns that are in the shadows of the glam and glory of the large marketed cities, such as London, Manchester, Birmingham - we want to allow one small town has a say with this glorious opportunity to make their mark on the sport that the nation loves!"

As to the sudden revelation, Grayson, forty-five adds: "Even though it might seem to be quite a rushed decision, we have been discussing the outline of the project for many months, after the club - whom want to remain anonymous at this moment at time - called for the end of their club, and we negotiated a term deal which we believe will be beneficial!"

Among the opportunity to be slotted into the hierarchy of the football structure, the chosen club will have to be faced with numerous obligations to ensure that the project of a small club entering the league to represent a small town, won't be hindered by a sense of corruption - the Grayson outlines as: "We will allow the club to have a foreign benefactor financial, but they won't be allowed to finance any transfers during the first two seasons - solely relying on the players that can be found within the club's means."

The project has been meant with a lot of controversy as many say that the advantage of the club starting in the Blue Square Premier League is against what the league structure represents, Grayson disregards the 'unsportsmanlike' that some say it represents from the FA.

"We have considered this as an exception, but do understand the frustration of the other clubs in the league. But this is a project that will financially help the chosen town's economy, allow another club to fight for establishment and a bit more excitement to a league that has been looked down upon for too long!"

Applications for the new available slot have started since this morning, with more then 5000 possible destinations for the new club: which Grayson says is one example of the added layer of excitement and tension within the project's incarnation - adding that there would be more along the way.

11-12-12, 12:06 AM

Tamworth announces closure as a competitive team, as FA announces new team will be chosen in next week!


Tuesday 21st February 2012

Tamworth FC have announced the decision that they will expell themselves from professional competitive football at the end of the current season, after nearing their 80th year anniversary. Chairman Bob Andrews addressed via the club's website:

“After tasting success in 2009 with the promotion into the Blue Square Premier League, due to financial problems, Tamworth FC will cease to exist within the league structure. While we still want to maintain the club as a source of worth for the local community, myself and the board accept that the ultimate decision to coexist within the terms of the lower league will be more beneficial with the stronghold and will of the club at the current moment.

After being around for 79 years old, the club has become a beacon of the towns support and caring for one another in become regular spectators, we wish to thank the players and staff for understanding our reasons, and wish the best for the new team in hope that they can establish themselves a longful history such as Tamworth Football Club.”

Along side the news of Tamworths enclosure at the end of the season, the FA have also announced that they have already chosen the team that will replace them come the end of the season, with all the facilities already built and a large financial backer to help ensure the club will be eager to become apart of the Blue Square Premier League. Head Of the Project, Mark Grayson, said: “After negotiating more than 100 different proposals and applications in the last month, we have finally came to the conclusion of one club that has met the merits we want, and have made clear of the ambition towards the future. We hope to seal the deal in the next week, and announce it as soon as both the club and the FA board are hundred percent behind the decision, without any hesitation!”

11-12-12, 07:46 AM
Exciting. A new ZanSnake story.

Not sure that the Manchester Clubs will be quaking in their boots at this news though.

11-12-12, 03:46 PM
I reserve FC postion :D If this is what i think it is :D

11-12-12, 05:00 PM
Trying to think of historic towns in our country that don't already have a major football club around. My geography isn't the best though so I can't even speculate :lol:

11-12-12, 05:32 PM
Trying to think of historic towns in our country that don't already have a major football club around. My geography isn't the best though so I can't even speculate :lol:

The Queen's Park area of London ? You can't call what they have a football team !

11-12-12, 10:22 PM

Newark Athletic Announced as New Team – Literally!


Thursday 1st March 2012

Shocking news have emerged in a press conference in which FA director Mark Grayson announced that the team set to replace Tamworth next season will be a non-existent team based in the market town Newark-on-Trent in Nottingham-shire. The news came out as the local council announce that the new stadium, or athletic facility will be the home of the new Blue Square Premier League side.

Grayson, who hasn't shied from the controversy surrounding the FA over murmurs of corruption within the governing body, and has stood in favour of the new team – Newark Athletic Football Club. “We wanted to establish a new beginning and a new era for a small town to gather and support – which we will accomplish by letting Newark Athletic become the latest team to be established in England, and to be introduced into the Conference division!”

Rumors that the whole project was to only to get the FA to get a payday, after reports named Russian billionaire Yermolai Relikovic, who is the owner of Russian Media corporation Boltsky Industries, who are also been reported with a lot of shady involvements including the Russian Mafia and possible connection of the original owner Andrei Boltsky's disappearance. But Grayson has come into defense for the 51-year-old, citing his successful business skills and ambitions to be key factors in the boards decision.

“We were enticed by the ambitions of Mr Relikovic, who has seen the success of his close friend, Chelsea Owner, Mr Ambramovich and wishes to seek the same level of success but from scratch. He is a hard working individual, and deserves all the success he has made in his home country, and hopes to replicate that with success in the footballing world!”

Mr Relikovic will be joined by fellow Boltsky board members as Toshio Minamoto and Yasha Chekhov, and has already bought the rights of the 11,825 seated stadium on the verge of Newark, which also has under-heated pitch and a retractable roof – making it the largest stadium in the English Conference come next season. The naming rights have also been bought, with the stadium to be called 'Boltsky Stadium', and has already got a short-list of possible managerial candidates for the future.
“Mr Relikovic has worked hard with his team, in making sure that the club is the best in every single way – and has already got a shortlist of managers he wants to possibly join the club. He also acknowledges that he won't be able to buy any players in his first two season at Boltsky Stadium, insistent on making sure the club adhere to signing young potential players to make their way into the footballing career.”

The Badge for Newark Athletic FC

The football logo, as shown as above, was reportedly created by students at the local Newark College, and represents certain aspects of the club's image as well as the towns history. There have also been rumors of a kit colored Red and White for the home kit, and a Red and Black kit for the away kit – even though at this point it is all talk.

“The club has been ready for a long while to be established, but Mr Relikovic wished to wait for a time he could perfectly introduce his long waited project to be set off.”
As the football is still shaking from the volcanic news, how much more could be possible in the next stage for this unusual chapter? Only time can tell!

11-12-12, 10:51 PM
I knew it :D

12-12-12, 12:25 AM

was thinking about Bev's corrupted save the other day with the Richard Branson team.

12-12-12, 10:42 AM
Newark, eh? What made you pick that place, Zan?

12-12-12, 02:37 PM
I thought it was going to be Bath, although I'm pretty sure that's a city.

or Chelmsford, you don't get more historical than the former Roman capital city. Mind you they both have a football team already :D

Nice start, AM RC for me eh? :lol:

12-12-12, 08:47 PM
Newark, eh? What made you pick that place, Zan?

Might give you a hint :D


Also another by saying next one going up is gonna be about that ;)

12-12-12, 10:37 PM
Ah ! The history of Newark on one post in a forum :D

13-12-12, 12:38 AM
gotta compete with the curly from unwanted, and the druggy from rock n rolla first :P

13-12-12, 01:32 AM
Great start Zan. Really looking forward to seeing where this goes. Between yourself, The Eejit and Mark you've made me actually sit down and write my own story out! KUTGW

13-12-12, 10:37 AM
I never even noticed that mate :lol: Just assumed you were from London given that you are a Chelsea fan. Should have known better with you glory hunters ;)

13-12-12, 01:50 PM
Between yourself, The Eejit and Mark you've made me actually sit down and write my own story out! KUTGW

Well there's a kick in the nuts :lol:

13-12-12, 02:49 PM

13-12-12, 09:36 PM

Why did the FA choose Newark Athletic over the 100 other applicants they negotiated with?


Friday 2nd March 2012

IT was a complete shocking news when the FA announced the introduction of a new team in the English Conference, after the news that Tamworth FC was closing at the end of the season. But what came even more shockingly is the 'project', that the FA Board started surrounding the replacement, which has been called the 'Small Fish, Big Pond' in which they are looking for a small historic town WITHOUT a major football club, which will benefit from the financial gain comes along with a professional club.
So the team that was chosen, after discussions lasting just a month, was Newark Athletic, a new team that is backed by Russian Billionaire Yermolai Relikovic. Is the real reason that the club was chosen was due to a bribe coming in the way of the billions of money by the Russian media mogul? Or was there an actual simple reason they chose Newark-on-Trent?

To understand the real reasons, the Daily Mail has decided to look into both Newark-on-Trent's history, and Russian Yermolai Relikovic.

The Newark Castle: Heart of tourism for the small town

Newark-on-Trent is a small market town in the East Midlands, with an estimated population of 26,330 and a large number of outer-towns which could be accounted as supporters. It is in location of Grantham, Nottingham, Lincoln, Mansfield and has a train rail connected to the East Coast Main Rail lane, which commits all the way to London.

The history of Newark is connected well with English periods, with the thriving wool and cloth trade at the center of the town during the reign of Henry II, where King John died at the Newark Castle, and when during the establishment of the Church of England, the Newark vicar was executed for refusing to acknowledge the king as head of church. Newark is also lied upon the important Roman road, the Fosse Way, making the origins of the town possibly Roman.
But the biggest role in the nations history is the effect the town had in the English civil war, where King Charles the First stayed as the town's 600 soldiers held raids against larger cities and towns, with mixed results but establishing themselves as Fearless Warriors and going against the larger town, head-to-head no matter what. And even during the last stages of the civil war fought against the Parliament fearlessly, only surrendering under the command of the King.

The recent claims to fame of Newark are The Wanted singer Jay McGuiness, footballer Patrick Bamford and actor Toby Kebbel, but maybe the new football club can unearth some footballing gems to become world class players?

Newark Athletic Chairman Yermolai Relikovic

But, as the town which has a rich history, the rich-man of Newark Athletic has a less then gleaming past, since his birth in 1961, Yermolai Relikovic has been an shady individual, with being an mafia contact during his teenage years, to become wealthy in over a year after selling poorly made stuffed cabbage bears. He has been connected with numerous Eastern Europe black market syndicates, and is said to have been a hit man for one of Russia's most corrupted presidents.

But the most famous connection with him is the disappearance of Boltsky Industries inventor, Andrei Boltsky, after the company clinched an international deal with a Japanese internet company, which made the company a total income of at least £3.1 million. Even though the sudden disappearance was done so quickly after the deal was sealed, and Relikovic took charge, no-one has really been questioning about, or have they not been allowed to?

Rumors are spread that Boltsky had gone insane after the stress of the deal was done, but had taken it's toll already on him, other rumors say that he wanted to live in the small city he came from and live in retirement in peace with the money earned from Relikovic's money. The truth is surrounded by speculation, but not been found our by fear of possible termination or torture.

But in all, the town speaks the words that Mark Grayson said the FA wanted, plus with the financial backing of one of Russia's most secretive billionaires, it does allow the club an advantage shall they ever reach the promise land of the Premier League, which no English Conference club has done as of yet, but maybe that would be the task that enticed the Russian?

13-12-12, 11:02 PM
Well there's a kick in the nuts :lol:

Try fcuking off for 6 months :rockon:

13-12-12, 11:12 PM
..... ever reach the promise land of the Premier League, which no English Conference club has done as of yet,

Point of order, but have Luton Town not played in the Premier League ? (I've not checked, they might have been relegated the year it was founded.)

13-12-12, 11:49 PM
Point of order, but have Luton Town not played in the Premier League ? (I've not checked, they might have been relegated the year it was founded.)

Competed in the First Division, but not Premier League ;)

14-12-12, 12:06 AM
Newark Athletic shock Supporters with both Kits and Shortlist of Managers!


Monday 12th March 2012

Shocks are still coming out from the Newark area as, the local new football team Newark Athletic release the images of the planned football kit for next season, as they prepare themselves for their debut season in their existence. The football kits, which were designed by German-manufactures Do You Football, show the colors of the club, the home shirt being a distinctive Red and White with white stripes diagonally drifting from the bottom of the shirt, whereas the away shirt is a plain black and white color scheme, showing a larger contrast between the two kits.

Black and White: Away Kit

But, what was more shocking was the announcement that the team would be sponsored by game developer and producers EA Games, which will host a games series for the next 3 years on the team shirts. The deal, which was estimated earnings of over £1.5 million, has caused upset by fans – saying that it was an ample decision to promote a local business on a national level and help the economy of the town. One person demonstrating against the deal was businessman Stuart Townsend, who runs a local chain of bakeries.

Red Eyed: Home Kit

“The fact the council allowed the building of the athletic stadium for the Olympic rush was stupid, and then to sell it to this Russian nobody is even more ridiculous! The fact is this club was established without any regard of us people in Newark, and will be promoting the town for the unseeable future – but instead of helping our community by advertising a small business within it's borders, the greed of commercialism has made so that the larger man gains the helping hand! Ridiculous, utterly ridiculous!”

Amid the controversy of the chosen sponsors, a leak from the club allowed the fans also to see the name of the potential manager of the club, as the manager shortlist hit the internet. Concerning was the lack of names actually knowledgeable to anyone within England, as most names had experience with football in other leagues, or not any. The shortlist consisted of: Croatian twenty-five year old Niko Bergstrom – a manager who has experienced accomplishments with Finnish club HyPS, Belgium club THES Sport, but whose promising has been halted by personal issues interfereing causing him to face failure as relegation meant the sack for the youngest manager ever, another candidate is American Riley Bartley – who hasn't found much success but is known for his aggressive man-management style and out-spoken nature, one shocking candidate is Joel Power – who has reportedly manage a large number of small clubs throughout Europe but not staying long enough to find success despite being touted as a future managerial great with only his arrogance being the downfall at the age of twenty-eight this could be his chance to make a name for himself, and most unusual candidate is the chairman's son, twenty-five heir to the company, Anton Relikovic, who has to be said a striking image of the person his father, Yermolai, used to be at his age.

http://img002.lazygirls.info/people/susan_coffey/susan_coffey_susan_coffey_red_glasses_red_white_su _pkFTEhY.sized.jpg
Babe with Glasses: Club Representative Babe Cummings 'ensures' the club are right!

In order to rectify the image of the club, a club representative, Babe Cummings, has spoken out for the club: “We want to ensure to the supporters that the Board and Chairman are only look for the best for the club in the long run. Mr Relikovic and the rest of the board, want to ensure that the club's future can be as glorious as possible, and have gathered managers that fit into the picture that will be able to respond to possible situations in a manner that will benefit the club, as we reach to ambitions set.”

In response of the out-cry of the sponsors upon the shirts, the club representative responded: “The EA Games sponsorship is a financial dealing, that ensure the running of the club over the foreseeable future. Due to the costs which the club has to pay in order to start it's life in the English Conference, we had to choose the most financial viable option available – in order to ensure that the club will grow rather then being anchored down due to debts being unrepairable.”

Is the club right? What is your thoughts about the scenario and who do you want as manager based upon the descriptions above – which we hope to gather more information in time!

14-12-12, 01:50 AM

It's in the game....

14-12-12, 12:47 PM
Stuffed cabbage bears? :D

14-12-12, 02:35 PM
Stuffed cabbage bears? :D

They're all the rage in Russia...

16-12-12, 07:00 PM
Right, there is gonna be a delay for a week due to up-coming college performances, but i'll write up the next parts when i have time. It's not gonna be longer then Friday max, just so myou know the four major types are different approaches i am going to writing the story - which are up to you!

Niko: TEJ -style, surreal annd sometimes storylines over football
Joel: Zannit-style, previous FW style with women and ect.
Riley: Purely football, mentions of other storylines but that is it
Relikovic: Player lifestyle

more detail int ime ;)

16-12-12, 07:01 PM
Joel or Relikovic hmm... Joel, i need to find that woman (if you know what i mean :D )

16-12-12, 07:27 PM
Relikovic for me.
I think.............
I'm torn!

17-12-12, 01:25 PM
Neeeeeeeeee Koooooooooooo

Death, Destruction, Death, Violence, Death and a wee bit of totty on the side. What more could a story possibly want ?

17-12-12, 01:28 PM
I'll vote for Riley style. So with a football story and your writing style everyone will be covered and more people into the story imo :ok:

18-12-12, 09:02 AM

Baron Zbimg
18-12-12, 11:11 AM

18-12-12, 09:42 PM

19-12-12, 01:43 AM

Niko Belic?

21-12-12, 12:26 PM
Applications for Newark Athletic Vacancies


Saturday 31st March 2012

Hello, vital reader!

Today you can embark on the journey of a professional footballer, and seek out the glory that entails with the sport as well as the chances to face the harsh judgements that is also bespoken upon. In order to fully delegate the future of this young and ambitious club, we call onto you – vital reader- to become a football player for the Fearless Warriors and to help the club's ambition to establish itself within the football world.

To apply, just fill out the application form below within the limit described, and you will become one step closer to finding the limelight of a professional footballer!

All players with have a -1 potential ability and a 100 current ability, players can leave a club after completion of the first full season if they want to, but risk becoming a underused player at another club. The date of birth should be from the year 2001, not 2012 or 2011 in order to get the right age for the game, otherwise there will be faults that will inherently problematic your role within the game.

Every player has a total of 150 points to spend, on all the attributes in the below picture, but is limited to only using ten 15 points on singlar attribute – you also have one 18, and 20 point addiction to spend also but all must be spent on ONE particular attribute and not broken down and spent upgrading already chosen atributes. Total should reach 188 points, and shown clearly.


Application form

First Name
Second Name
Common Name: (Blank if none)
Date of Birth: (From 2001)
Managerial Choice: (Which manager from the shortlist do you prefer)
Personality: (Explained below)
Football History: (What history do you have in football?)
Back story: (If you want to have a storyline commencing into the story, or want to explain character enter, if not leave blank)


For personality use code words that explain your players personality, which depending on the chosen personality will effect his Mental Traits to the game, for example: if a player is a DETERMINED, MATURE PROFESSIONAL then point will be added to determination, professionalism and sportsmanship, negative aspects will be gained to negative mental traits such as temperament, low-loyalty, and low-professionalism.

Please ask if needed any help, and submit applications down below. The date of closing is the 2nd January 2013, but an extention is willing if the number of applicants are down.

Best of wishes and Merry Christmas,

ZombieSnake aka ZanSnake

21-12-12, 12:51 PM
I'm a bit confused.

I dont understand the points bit.

I have to spend:

1 x 20
1 x 18
and 10 x 15?

Is that right...

Or do I get 150 points to spend as I wish?


21-12-12, 01:35 PM
First Name: Kacper
Second Name: Kowalczyk
Common Name: Kowalinho
Date of Birth: (From 2001) 25.09.1985
Nationality: Poland
Foot: Right
Position: FC (main) / AMRLC
Managerial Choice: Joel
Football History: Playing for clubs in hometown Krakσw with good results but i was underrated so i chosed to start a new football life in england...
Back story: ... at Heathrow i noticed "that girl", it was an impulse and i decided to follow that girl but i lost her trail in Newark. But fortunately there was a new club forming and i decided to stay here with hopes i will achieve big succes with Newark Athletic so i'm here :)


21-12-12, 01:40 PM
Application form

First Name : Eddy
Second Name : Wato
Common Name:
Date of Birth: 1st January 1982
Nationality: English / Columbian
Foot: Right
Position: M RLC
Managerial Choice: (Which manager from the shortlist do you prefer) ???
Personality: A determined Professional with loyalty.
Football History: (What history do you have in football?) - 6 a side legend....


Acceleration 15
Consistancy 15
Finishing 18
Free Kicks 15
Injury Proneness 1
Long Shots 14
Movement 15
Natural Fitness 15
Pace 20
Passing 15
Penalties 15
Stamina 15
Strength 15

Total = 188

21-12-12, 01:45 PM
I'm a bit confused.

I dont understand the points bit.

I have to spend:

1 x 20
1 x 18
and 10 x 15?

Is that right...

Or do I get 150 points to spend as I wish?


Yes, but you can only use spend 15 on 10 attributes, otherwise you can have 8 finishing, 2 vision, 3 work rate and 2 marking - which still makes fifteen but helps increase the total attributes you spent it on. Basically you have 150 to spend on whatever but can only have 15 points per attribute and totals 150 overall plus the added 18 and 20 you can have, trying to make it so not everyone is amazing :P

21-12-12, 02:01 PM

21-12-12, 03:04 PM
Still dont get it.


Can I do

Acceleration 15
Aggression 15
Agility 15
Anticipation 15
Balance 15
Bravery 15
Consistancy 15
Corners 15
Crossing 15
Decisions 15

Or must I allocate everything a point...

yep thats correct. It is upto people if they want to dish out to every point, but the overall on one attribute is 15

21-12-12, 03:09 PM
You also have 20, 18 to stick to another attribute also

21-12-12, 03:14 PM
Yes, that was just an example.

I will edit my appliaction now.


21-12-12, 03:42 PM
Application form

First Name: Bob
Second Name: Mem
Common Name: BobMem
Date of Birth: 4th March 1981
Nationality: English/Cypriot
Foot: Right
Position: D C
Managerial Choice: No idea
Personality: Adaptable, determined professional (who takes pennos!)
Football History: Fancied myself as a striker in early years, slowly moved backwards, narrowly avoiding becoming a 'keeper before finally finding my talent level as a centre half. Have never scored a goal.
Back story: Born and raised in Peterborough and have never left the city limits. First ever foray out is to the bright lights of Newark (the obvious choice). Still live with parents and unemployed. Have tried various jobs and many places kept me on until the end of the football season so their work team wouldn't be relegated. Played in a defence who kept 15 clean sheets in a row for Woolworths' Sunday team.

Heading 15
Influence 15
Jumping 15
Marking 18
Passing 15
Positioning 15
Set Pieces 15
Stamina 15
Strength 15
Tackling 20
Team Work 15
Work Rate 15
Total 188

Baron Zbimg
22-12-12, 02:58 PM
Application form

First Name: Lorenzo
Second Name: Zbimg
Common Name:
Date of Birth: 31st December 1984
Nationality: Italian
Foot: Left
Position: SC
Managerial Choice:
Personality: Cultured, smart, hard-working, cold-blooded, loyal.
Football History: Raised in an orphanage, he learned his awesome ability to play off the ball by playing 20 against 20 in a little hall. Miraculously spotted during the manager holidays in Tuscany while he was dribbling past 5 other teenagers.
Back story: Found in front of an abbey when he was 9 months old. Rumour says he has noble blood and comes from an ancestral and extremely wealthy family. No one knows for sure where he comes from though his stately and unbowed demeanor and his fiery eyes seem to acknowledge his lineage. Will try to use his football talent and career to discover his origins.

Heading 15
Pace 15
Jumping 15
Finishing 18
Determination 15
Technique 15
Set Pieces 15
Stamina 15
Strength 15
Off the ball 20
Acceleration 15
Dribbling 15
Total 188

22-12-12, 05:26 PM
Only one answer for Managerial choice so far :D

27-12-12, 01:57 PM
First Name: Henrik
Second Name: Van der Voom
Date of Birth: (From 2001) 17/08/1983
Nationality: Dutch/English
Foot: Left
Position: F(RLC)
Managerial Choice: (Which manager from the shortlist do you prefer) Niko
Personality: Determined professional and quite sporting.
Football History: Had a trial for all the teams in the league. Didn't work out.
Back story: (If you want to have a storyline commencing into the story, or want to explain character enter, if not leave blank)

Finishing: 20
Technique: 18
Vision all 15

28-12-12, 05:41 PM
thanks to those who have joined so far, but we need more applicants please join up. The more the merrier ;)

28-12-12, 10:27 PM
First Name: John
Second Name: Wood
Date of Birth: (From 2001) 25/08/1983
Nationality: English
Foot: Right
Position: GK
Managerial Choice: (Which manager from the shortlist do you prefer)
Personality: Determined, loyal and able to handle pressure
Football History: Picked for trial by club when showing ability to catch a 6" ruler when dropped randomly, on youtube
Back story: (If you want to have a storyline commencing into the story, or want to explain character enter, if not leave blank)

Acceleration : 13
Agility : 18
Anticipation : 13
Consistency : 15
Handling : 20
Important M : 15
Injury Proneness : 1
Natural Fitness : 11
One on Ones : 15
Passing : 12
Penalties : 15
Positioning 15
Reflexes : 15
Strength : 10


30-12-12, 08:32 PM
Extension to the 5th because of the low number of applicants - :(

31-12-12, 12:03 AM
I want to be a DLC, I'll get the stats sorted by the 5th :ok:

02-01-13, 07:07 PM
Roddy Hoolihan
Position: DLC
Foot: Either
DOB: 10/05/1983
Personality: Dirty cheating bastard :D High Loyalty to his clubs though.
History: Star of the Irish League for Ballinamallard, scouted by Newark and relatively unknown across the water. Wants to make a big splash in England.

bravery 15
heading 15
jumping 15
marking 18
pace 15
passing 15
positioning 20
reflexes 15
stamina 15
strength 15
tackling 15
work rate 15

02-01-13, 09:42 PM
First Name: Artur
Second Name: Vasily
Common Name: (Blank if none)
Date of Birth: (From 2001) 2nd of May 1981
Nationality: England/Russia
Foot: Left
Position: M (C)
Managerial Choice: (Which manager from the shortlist do you prefer) Niko
Personality: Loyal and a great sportsman
Football History: None
Back story: (If you want to have a storyline commencing into the story, or want to explain character enter, if not leave blank)


Passing: 20
Dribbling: 18
Corners: 15
Finishing: 15
Anticipation: 15
Flair: 15
Teamwork: 15
Vision: 15
Movement: 15
Technique: 15
Long shots: 15

02-01-13, 10:51 PM
Thanks guys ;)

Need more, but if there isn't anymore i'll make some characters to insert based on the managerial preference as well as the positions needed to be filled :)

04-01-13, 02:59 AM
Need more - i feel like a parrot of myself :(

Baron Zbimg
04-01-13, 11:31 AM
I'm surprised this thread has less success that the Are you the next one. This should be as fun ...

Let's go people ...

04-01-13, 11:33 AM
Are you the next is a brand name.

people trust the brand..

January is always a quiet month on the forum though..

04-01-13, 01:19 PM
It's Christmas, most people won't be back regularly posting until next week imo :ok:

04-01-13, 01:24 PM
Are you the next is a brand name.

people trust the brand..

January is always a quiet month on the forum though..

Fearless has gained quite a following from the previous incarnations of it though, which is why i am so baffled. Fearless came before AYTN, just incase you didn't know :D

04-01-13, 01:32 PM
i knew.. was only messing with the brand.

Both strong brands...

i guess its just cos its January...

04-01-13, 01:41 PM
Okay then i'll extend it once again till Friday 11th January, and i'll write some filler updates outlining the managers till then.

07-01-13, 01:22 PM

Consistency - 15
Dribbling - 15
Leadership - 15
Marking - 15
Pace - 15
Passing - 15
Positioning - 15
Stamina - 15
Tackling - 18
Teamwork - 15
Vision - 20
Work Rate - 15

Application form

First Name - Mark
Second Name - Henderson
Common Name: (Blank if none)
Date of Birth: (From 2001) 25/05/86
Nationality: English
Foot: Right
Position: D/AMRL
Managerial Choice: (Which manager from the shortlist do you prefer) Riley or Relikovic
Personality: (Explained below) Committed, hard working and loyal player who gets on with all members of the squad. Also responsible for organising social events for the players to attend!
Football History: (What history do you have in football?) Very boring story of starting out in the lower leagues playing sunday league football before being spotted and invited to join the big-time.
Back story: (If you want to have a storyline commencing into the story, or want to explain character enter, if not leave blank) See the above :ok:

07-01-13, 02:33 PM

Aggression - 18
Bravery - 15
Dirtiness - 20
Marking - 15
Heading - 15
Natural Fitness – 15
Positioning - 15
Stamina – 15
Strength - 15
Tackling - 15
Teamwork - 15
Work Rate - 15

Application form

First Name – Lord Cedric Algernon
Second Name – Caruthers de Ath
Common Name: The Eejit
Date of Birth: (From 2001) 26/02/01
Nationality: The Peoples Democratic Republic of Scotland
Foot: Left
Position: DMC
Managerial Choice: Bergstrom
Personality: Midfield hatchetman. Not afraid of committing a foul for the good of the team and believes in a work hard/play hard lifestyle. A Manhattan is his favourite cocktail when he is taking it easy, but would prefer a whisky (Scotch) neat
Football History: Father was founder and patron of the Outer Isles football association. Only previous playing experience was on the bench (unused) for the cubs.
Back story: Has recently signed a contract to be the face for the Lynx products. He has inherited a fortune from his father and like George Best, some he will spend on women, some he will spend on booze some he will spend on fast cars. The rest will be squandered.

07-01-13, 10:11 PM

Heading - 20
Tackling - 18
Decisions - 15
Determination - 15
Anticipation - 15
Marking - 15
Positioning - 15
Strength - 15
Jumping - 15
Bravery - 15
Aggression - 15
Balance - 15

Application form

First Name – Liam
Second Name – Hatch
Common Name: Liam
Date of Birth: (From 2001) 26/09/1985
Nationality: Republic of Ireland
Foot: Right
Position: Defender (R/C)
Managerial Choice: Riley
Personality: A hard hitting centre back also contempt at right back, in the Branislav Ivanovic mold. Laid back attitude that agree's with gaffer for sake of the team!
Football History: Fulham youngster, before damaging cruciate ligaments
Back story: A former wonderkid in the world of football, before a serious injury set him back. Looking to proove his worth again that once won him numberous accolades as a youngster.

07-01-13, 10:36 PM

First Name:Neil
Second Name:Barry
Common Name: Baz
DOB: 10/10/1984
Nation: Wales
Foot: Left
Position: D/M LC (Make C 15)
Managerial Choice: Relikovic
Personality: Loyal, hard working but has an acid tongue which offends many.
Football History: Refused to join any academies as he felt it was best to concentrate on studies.
Back Story: Passed A Levels at a young age so decided to try again in the footballing world whilst having exam results to fall back on.

Consistency: 20
Important Matches: 18
Strength: 15
Tackling: 15
Passing: 15
Vision: 15
Positioning: 15
Corners: 15
Decisions: 15
Marking: 15
Crossing: 15
Injury Proneness: 5
Dirtiness: 5
Penalties: 5

Believe that all adds up.

08-01-13, 05:56 PM
Application form

First Name : Mark
Second Name : Clayton
Common Name:
Date of Birth: 21st Feburary 1981
Nationality: English
Foot: Right
Position: DMC
Managerial Choice: (Which manager from the shortlist do you prefer) ???
Personality: Loyal with the occassional moments of madness.
Football History: (What history do you have in football?) - Decent youth player untill women and booze took over. Keeps the ball moving swiftly and elegantly with a tremendous eye for pass


Natural Fitness - 15
Bravery - 15
Passing - 20
Marking - 15
Heading - 15
Vision – 18
Positioning - 15
Stamina – 15
Strength - 15
Tackling - 15
Teamwork - 15
Work Rate - 15

11-01-13, 10:25 AM
last chance for people to join up in the next 24 hours. Sign up, and become a player for Newark Athletic

11-01-13, 01:31 PM
Manager votes totaled up, got a winner.

Fraction of already signed up didn't vote though, so the votees made it really close ;)

11-01-13, 01:52 PM
I have speed dial repeating my votes for Nico !

11-01-13, 04:32 PM

Crossing - 20
Dribbling - 18
Pace - 15
Determination - 15
Movement - 15
Teamwork - 15
Work Rate - 15
Acceleration - 15
Technique - 15
Passing - 15
Pace - 15
Balance - 15

Application form

First Name – Diarmuid
Second Name – O'Toibνn
Common Name: Liam
Date of Birth: (From 2001) 30/07/1983
Nationality: Republic of Ireland
Foot: Left
Position: Attacking Midfield Left
Managerial Choice: Riley
Personality: Craves the limelight off the pitch but meticulous work ethic and desire to do well for the team and team mates
Football History: Top scorer and top assists for past 2 seasons in the 71st tier of Irish football
Back story: Refused all trials to win county cup competition with local team. Once won took a ferry to England and thumbed a lift the whole way to Newark. Refused to do the trials until after the contract was signed. Won contract based on Youtube clips from mates phones.

11-01-13, 05:29 PM
The Managerial Choice Game

Friday 16th March 2012

After a couple of days of the shocking names emerging for the Newark Athletic job, which was selected by Yermolai Relikovic and his board, we have decided to look more into the actual people on the list to get a more informative reason as to why these unknown-to-some individuals and the chance to grace the English football.
We start of by the most extraordinary choice first...


Anton Relikovic, the controversial son of the club's owner Yermolai, is only twenty-five years old, but already has a reputation as a party lifestyle – spending a majority of his time spending the money of his inheritance. He has the phone number of the most famous and the most beautiful, with connections to such people as Barack Obama, David Cameron and other political heights. With only enough experience of football as being a spectator, the choice as him as a potential manager of the game is down to one thing and one thing only – so that Yermolai will be able to keep on eye on him. Even though he has shown to be a spoilt child, Anton has shown glimpses of a determined and business associated person, and who will do anything in order to achieve glory and money for himself, maybe that drive is enough to get Newark in the limelight of the English Premier League?


Riley Bartley is a thirty-eight year old American manager who has spent nearly twenty years in football, or soccer, after fifteen-years as a soccer player at one club, Riley soon started the task of emerging into the coaching lights – instantly being well-known for his aggressive man management approach which has caused a lot of conflicts over the years, and has blocked him from achieving success, and with his out-spoken nature to criticise officials and the hierarchy of clubs, maybe that will affect performances on the pitch?


Joel Power is a twenty-eight year old English football manager who has managed clubs throughout Europe, but due his 'charming' personality hasn't been able to stay at a club longer then six months, despite being touted one of the brightest managerial prospects in the world. Joel has learnt numerous languages, all of which he has used to get another woman from another country, apart of his 'global domination' task. Despite his womanising he has shown to be a tactically, and motivating manager – bringing teams into cup finals or close to promotion, but never sticking around to see success.


Lastly, we have the more well-known and experienced potential manager Niko Bergstrom, a twenty-five year old Croatian who has had a lot to deal with in his life alongside being one of the most shocking success stories in the world. Starting from the age of eighteen Bergstrom was appointed as football manager at Norwegian First Division side HyPS, which in his first season took to the play-offs, but wasn't able to get promotion, but was able to do so the second season – along with being the First Division Champions.

HyPS's first season in the top flight of Norwegian wasn't as successful, as the team was only able to find fourth position, amidst an inconsistent season which wasn't helped by a confrontation between Bergstrom and chairman, nicknamed Jules – and he was sacked from the position. Niko soon found himself in the Belgian Third Division, managing bottom club THES Sport, who he was able to save from relegation in the last ten games of the season and then was able to win the league in his first full season. In his second season with the club, he once again got the team promoted and won the league once again.

His third season with THES Sport was as successful with the team coming third in the Belgian First Division, and earning a spot in the UEFA Cup. But amidst more personal issues, the club fortunes turned around soon after and relegation soon came for the club, and Bergstrom was given the sack. After a short break from football, it looks like the twenty-five year old is ready to get back into the game, and with his history of success it makes him the ideal candidate for the job – but alongside the football talent comes with the history of uncertainty of what could be waiting round the corner for him. Once told as a ignorant, hedonistic, intolerant person who thrives on a personal life with the dangerous and exotic, it maybe a risk too much for Relikovic and co to support his eccentric lifestyle.

But from all the candidates, surely only one will be able to hit the merits that the club wants, and the club gets? Stay tuned for any further developments, as it comes.

Baron Zbimg
11-01-13, 06:04 PM
Great Start. Bring it on !

11-01-13, 09:31 PM
I'll do player manager if yer man wants ;)

12-01-13, 06:30 PM
To show it is done, here's mine ;) Also to show

First Name: Fraser
Second Name: Hemphill
Common Name: (Blank if none)
Date of Birth: (From 2001) 15.04.1983
Foot: Either
Position: DM/AM R/L/C
Managerial Choice: (Which manager from the shortlist do you prefer) Bergstrom
Personality: (Explained below) Loyal and ambitious, seen as a professional sportmans and keen leader for any team, but has alot of pressure on him as the local lad. Has moments of temper tantrum
Football History: (What history do you have in football?) Hailed as a wonder kid at Nottm Forest, he was scouted by Chelsea - which became controversial after he was spotted meeting up with John Terry and Didier Drogba at a coffee shop. But he got injured and wasn't able to recover fully, and Chelsea's interest dropped as did his potential
Back story: (If you want to have a storyline commencing into the story, or want to explain character enter, if not leave blank) Seen as the local boy who can reach the limelight, he is often hounded by the local press which caused him to have a near-mental episode. Has a damaged heel which is an reoccurring problem, will it halt his progress? He is also searching for a girl whom he met while hospitalized in Grantham, and harbours feelings for - hoping to become a success and use it to find her.

Passing 15
Workrate 15
Versatilty 15
Flair 15
Finishing 15
Movement 15
Freekicks 18
Vision 15
Pace 15
Crossing 15
Dribbling 15
Leadership 20

12-01-13, 06:47 PM
Deadline is up - we have fifteen players and a new manager to be announced in a short while. Thanks to those who have joined, and for those reading, continue to do so because the action starts soon!

12-01-13, 07:37 PM

20 Leadership Zan? Guess who's the captain then... :lol:

12-01-13, 07:47 PM

20 Leadership Zan? Guess who's the captain then... :lol:

You all had the opportunity but didn't take it, i rose to the occasion :P

12-01-13, 08:43 PM
Like a true leader should :D

12-01-13, 09:07 PM
Bergstrom Signs on the Dotted Line!


Monday 4th June 2012

After months of speculation, Niko Bergstrom has been announced as the first ever manager of the latest club in England, Newark Athletic. Bergstrom, 25, is the youngest manager in the country, and in the world, and was believed to be the only successful and experienced manager for the job – after finding success in both Finland and Belgium before having an 18 months hiatus from football.

Bergstrom, who along with sixteen players and an assistant manager, has been set to win the Blue Square Premier League, or at least to contend for, without signing any more players, which he promises will be successful and will fight for the admiration of the fans.

“I have had a lot of life experience outside of football, which I don't want to interfere with the goal I have been set with. My CV really says it all, I win things in hard to think scenarios, and I have dealt a lot of shit in my career!”

“I am not an idiot, I know that eyes will be on me, and the fans will be dubious but I am sure we can fight for the title and see the club rise into the higher stages of the English football structure.”

Alongside the signing of Niko Bergstrom comes a large string of players, including former wonder kids Liam Hatch and Fraser Hemphill as well as already established players like Roddy Hoolihan who want to make the mark in English football. Niko has also brought former THES Sport midfielder Hannu Sulonen, who he states will have to establish himself along with the us.

“Reputation means shit to me, you have earn it or otherwise get lost!” Bergstrom's coaching staff has also been selected by the board, with the assistant manager being former-possible applicant Riley Bartley.


“I am somewhat disappointed by not winning the role, but I honour that Niko's reputation and experience got him the job – but if he shall fuck it up, then believe me, I will be the first one to say 'ha-ha' and pulling for the job!”

With Chelsea's amazing UEFA Champions League, all eyes are on the English footballing world, and Niko insists that one day, Newark Athletic will be the team that they will be looking at.

“Chelsea did well to scruff by with luck, but on the horizon, there is a Red and White stripe ready to take the place of the plaudits! Fearlessly, we will prevail!”

Bergstrom has yet to be fully introduced to the squad, the coaching staff nor the infamous chairman, so the future is hazy, and with his former confrontations with his bosses, who knows what will happen!

12-01-13, 10:20 PM
*Is disappointed about not hiring Joel

13-01-13, 12:24 PM
Good choice made there.

13-01-13, 04:32 PM
* Thinks Niko Bergstrom is a tactical genius

13-01-13, 04:41 PM
ops, missed this :(

14-01-13, 12:31 PM
*thinks the manager will help him develop as a player

14-01-13, 02:39 PM
* Enthusiastic about his future with the club

14-01-13, 05:09 PM
Good to see the managers sorted out :ok:

Baron Zbimg
14-01-13, 10:00 PM
* Proud to be at Newark Athletic
* Enthusiastic about his future at the club

15-01-13, 09:06 PM
The First Journey
New Beginnings

Running, once again. So amazing this is. For God knows how many times have I been on this end. Running down the road, with a loose maniac on my tail for whatever reason. I thought after the whole Phetrovolgy shit was done with, this shit wouldn't happen any more!

Niko: Fuck a dead end!

Only me can run into a frigging dead end with a gun-weilding lunatic chasing me.

Lunatic: Hey Niko!

I turn round to face the person who I have been running from.


Niko: Hi honey! What's wrong?
Lucia: What's wrong, you know f:censored:ing well what's wrong! How could you not tell me you were moving to England? We have been seeing each other for over two years!
Niko: Define seeing.....
Lucia: Okay then – we have been shagging for two years! But that doesn't matter! How could you not tell me? After all the bulls:censored: we've been through!

Lucia, the woman I have been sleeping with for the last two years and who helped me rid of M's henchmen. Feisty, she just destroyed two streets full of parked cars to talk to me – but that feistyness is wild in the bed!

Niko: Honey! I was meant to surprise you – you know, but you ruined it!
Lucia: Ah... I didn't know.

Feisty but as dumb as a brush.

Lucia: So when do we leave?

She asked in a happier tone, despite the cars engulfed in flames in the background as the car owners slither out of their slumber to witness them burnt to shit and exploded everywhere.

Niko: Well, I am leaving in a few hours – and then I am going to settle down and send a plane for you!
Lucia: Ah your so kind!

She then jumped and hugged me, with the gun piercing into her rib-cage.

Lucia: Is that a glock, or your cock Mr Football Manager?
Niko: That's your glock, dear.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. After the fiasco of bringing down Phetrovolgy, the club went into turmoil and was relegated, I was sacked – and FIFA kicked the club out of the division. The last eighteen months I have been working as a roadie for some of the world's most stupidest bands, and artists – Justin Bieber, the robot Jedward, a karaoke singer called Christ something and worse of all – Rebecca Black!

All the people I know, are dead. Cerina went off with the kids to become some kind of Buddhist in Asia, and Eejit has disappeared into the wind. And soon, I got the call from a mad Russian saying I had to accept a job or he would kill a man named Beezer. And even though I don't really care, I accepted so I wouldn't have to deal with....

Niko: Ah f:censored: she's found me!

I pushed Lucia, who was sucking on my nipple for whatever reason, into the direction she was coming, and hid behind the bins, peeking out trying to hide from the beastly drunken mistake.


Lindsay: Where are you??

Her nose full of cocaine, her car 'parked' into the local MacDonalds and her teeth hanging out like fly suck in the spider's web, attempting to fly away.

Lindsay: Come and give your Linsy a kiss!!!
Lucia: Who are you talking about bitch!
Lindsay: I'm talking about my Niko, birdbrain!
Lucia: He is mine!

Ah yes, a distraction! I slowly crept out from the bins around slowly emerged towards the alleyway, which I had just noticed, as the two girls started to do a Yo Momma competition.

Lindsay: Yo Momma is so inbred, your daddy is your uncle, and your sister is your grandmother!
Lucia: Yo Momma is so fat, her bingo wings are used as bean bags!

But as I stepped out, a helicopter started to come down from the sky – with one person I was sure was dead, waiting.


Young Wolf: Get to tha choppa!!
Niko: Yeah, because that doesn't get old!

I roared back, charging toward the helicopter as it landed to the ground, as the bickering women was still entwined with their boring competition of who had the fattest and dumbest mothers. As I got onto the 'choppa' Young Wolf stood over, looking over-powering like he always used to.

Young Wolf: Sit down!
Niko: Okay, okay! I am!

I said, as the copter rose into the air and Young Wolf slammed the door shut, then sat down next to me. His breathing pattern was as heavy as a stalker or serial killer in a horror film, if he carried on the silence I would have to kill him – and for the second time he would be dead.

Niko: Talk about being a Dues Ex Machina! Why did you did you save me? Wanting to be a hero again?
Young Wolf: Boss wanted to make sure you came safely, and early. Wanted to meet you.
Niko: Boss?
Young Wolf: Mr Relikovic, I work for his company as Head of Security, and I make personal pick-ups for people of interest – as well as drop-offs of others.
Niko: So how the hell are you still alive?
Young Wolf: You are boring me. Good night Niko!
Niko: But I am not... sleepy...

I said, trailing off as I felt drowsy. The next couple of moments were blurry, but one image stayed in my mind...


Until, I awoke in a foreign room, with a foreign person in front of me, who was too ugly to describe.

Ugly Guy: Good to see you awake, Nikolavski!
Niko: The name is Niko actually!

I replied to the hideous man with a strong Russian accent, and smelt strongly of Vodka. I hoped that he wasn't my boss, Mr Relikovic, having to see his ugly mug everyday with make me hit the Vodka all the time too.

Russian Monster: You're very funny, Nikolavski! I like you! My name is Yasha Chekhov, I am assistant to Mr Relikovic!
Niko: Right, and I am not talking to him instead of you?
Yasha: Because he is busy man. He wants me to make sure you are welcomed.
Niko: And being greeting by the town's local mutant is such a privilege!
Yasha: Another funny! You are a joker indeed! But, if you piss me or Mr Relikovic off, you balls will hit the floor faster then a bottle of Vodka!
Niko: Your a little angry chipmunk aren't you? You just have to have some nuts to chew on! But these are my nuts, and the only person who goes near them are women who doesn't break every mirror they go past.

I watched as the ugly monster snared out, I might have gone a little too far. He snarled and walked towards his desk, opening the front draw and picking up, what I intentionally thought would be a knife to make me a female – but turned out to be more Vodka.

Yasha: You don't let up do you, Nikolavski? Persistent as well as intolerant, I like!
Niko: Right....

At that moment, the door swung open as a large fat rounded man with a grin on his face charged in – covered in red liquid I might add.


He walked over to Yasha of Ugly, hugging him, completely ignoring my presence.

Fat Baldy: Yasha! I have returned brother, have you met the Nikolavski!
Yasha: Yes, we have chatted – he is what he seems Yermolai!
Pinball: Good, good! Where is he then?

Yasha then pointed behind fat train conductor at myself, in that instant the fat man spun round faster than a Catholic priest at a summer camp.

Fatty Bum-Bum: Nikoslavski! The man I heard about! Who will make my club becomes European Winners!
Niko: I think a cheeseburger and chips will satisfy you more. The names Niko – as if matters.
Fat: You joke? You f:censored:ing joke about me? How dare you? Do you know who I am?
Niko: Someone who escaped Weight Watchers?
Red Fat Tomato: I am Yermolai Relikovic, billionaire! You f:censored:ing play around with me, and I play your intestines!
Niko: Sorry bout that. I have a tendency of making jokes in front of people I respect highly!

I lied, not wanting the option of disembowelment on the first day.

Yermolai: I am happy you understand power, and respect. I have heard many things about you Niko, man with great talent – who wins things! I have a team, I have ambition, I have money – but not the talented man to make it successful!
Niko: (whispering) But not a fitness instructor...
Yermolai: I expect results, and I will gain you anything you want!

Wait, did he say anything.....


Niko: Where can I sign? And when can I start?

To Be Continued.

Baron Zbimg
15-01-13, 09:56 PM
Great start. Looks like there will be blood, naked women, fat russian wankers, and hopefully a lot of wins ...

16-01-13, 01:30 PM

16-01-13, 01:57 PM
How the fuck am I supposed to do any work this afternoon after that vision of Keisha in the bath ?

Ah sod it. Work aint that important

16-01-13, 02:18 PM
* Proud to be at Newark Athletic
* Enthusiastic about his future at the club

16-01-13, 04:00 PM
* Thinks Niko is extremely competent

16-01-13, 05:55 PM
How the fuck am I supposed to do any work this afternoon after that vision of Keisha in the bath ?

Ah sod it. Work aint that important

i hope in a good way :D

18-01-13, 10:02 PM
FYI there will be TEJ references within this story, but not too much as it would be explained. It concerns a storyline that i am adding in to hopefully create more tension and allowing more enjoyment. And some random bits to connect in with as well ;)

26-01-13, 01:28 PM
Due to a unforseeable problem that has occured with the database due to changes to my pc, i have to do uninstal and reinstall the game and make the edits once more. Unfortunately, it does mean that i will have to delay the next update for a little longer, but does allow me to make changes that i was thinking about before. It also allows more members to join if they were late or were unproccupied to do so. The manager has been set though, meaning that the one specific part of the application doesn't coeherre to any new potential players.

26-01-13, 03:11 PM
Name: Jose Francisco Garcia Hernandez Rodriguez
Common Name: Jose Hernandez
Date of Birth: 28.01.1985
Nationality: Mexico/England
Foot: Either
Position: D R/L/C
Managerial Choice:
Personality: This kid is a sample of future model professional, hard-working, gifted, loyal to people, who give him a chance to become someone in this world.
Football History: One of Newark scouts saw him playing on the street with other teenagers and called to join Newark youth team.
Back story: Son of Mexican emigrants, born in Mexico, but last few years lived in England.

Heading: 15
Jumping: 15
Marking: 15
Tackling: 15
Positioning: 15
Teamwork: 15
Work rate: 15
Consistency: 15
Important matches: 15
Anticipation: 15

Stamina: 18
Free kicks: 20

= 188

27-01-13, 09:53 AM
If not too late, I would love to join to the team.

Name: Volkan Ediz
Date of Birth: 07.01.1982
Nationality: Turkish/American
Foot: Right
Position: AM/F R/C
Managerial Choice: none
Personality: will sell his soul for a better contract elsewhere, most likely dislike his teammates and the assistant manager
Football History: had a global ban for 18 months due to match fixing
Back story: was born and raised in Istanbul, moved to US to live American dream. After the mortgage crisis and losing millions of dollars in San Francisco real estate market decided to try his luck somewhere else

Loyalty = 1
Professionalism = 1
Dribbling: 18
Pace: 15
Technique: 15
Speed: 15
Passing: 15
Creativity: 15
Flair: 15
Balance: 15
Crossing: 20
Stamina: 15
Work rate: 13
Determination: 15

= 188

04-02-13, 06:28 PM
I am doing the edits over the course of the next few days, mixing with doing coursework and college time, so the time to sign up is still open, but will soon close so if you want to join, please join! And i am sorry for the late update, but sooner or later it will all be done and i can start on the main thing of the story and get the story up-and-going.

04-02-13, 06:29 PM
Once again, the application form can be found here: http://www.champman0102.co.uk/showthread.php?2520-A-Golden-and-Fearless-Ambition&p=71256#post71256

08-02-13, 02:04 AM
The First Journey
Chapter One:
Air of Expectancy

Walking onto the pitch of the crudely named 'Boltsky Stadium', I could see the large atmosphere that the stadium could hold over any team who visited the place. An 11,825 all seater stadium with a retractable roof and under-soil heating – this stadium was built like it was intended for a Premier League team.

Niko: If I can turn this place into a fortress, then there is no doubt we can win the league!

Ah, the Blue Square Premier League, or the English Conference as others say, a solo team going up with the credationals of the champions – the best of the best embarking for the role in the next league up. There was no second chance if you messed up with promotion or play-offs, you had one shot and you had to take it – and I want to be the one who gets it!

Niko: But the only way I can actually be told about that is by meeting the team... And the coaching staff. What a f:censored:ing bore!

I screamed out, leaning against the mental rail in the main stand. As I sulked into the place, with a nice refreshing breeze passing through the exposed skin on the back of my neck. As I soaked in the summer sky, I heard footsteps approaching from behind. Each step clunking onto the ground from the heel, meant it was a female, I turned round to see the woman who had come to see me.

http://img002.lazygirls.info/people/susan_coffey/susan_coffey_susan_coffey_red_glasses_red_white_su _pkFTEhY.sized.jpg

Woman: You surely must be the 'Niko', who has caused so much farce! My name is Babe Cummings, I am the club representative and I will ensure that your name in the press isn't squandered as well as the clubs!
Niko: (thinking) Yeah Babe, if you spent the night with me you'll be coming and going!
Niko: Yes I am, nice to hear that. Babe huh, I knew a woman named Babe, betrayed me to someone trying to kill me, who turned out to be a clone of a spy who worked with my spy parents.
Babe: Riiiight....
Niko: Anyway, can you tell me where I can meet the team and the coaches and stuff, as well as my office?
Babe: Your office?
Niko: Yes in all my previous managerial jobs?
Babe: The only people in this club who has offices are Mr Rilikovic, Mr Chekhov, Mr Minomoto and Mr Bartley.
Niko: Bartley? As in my assistant? Why the f:censored: has he got one and not me?
Babe: Accordingly, he persuaded Mr Minomoto to give him one after he heard he was rejected as manager, and hired as assistant.

Already I could tell the kind of relationship I would have with the hierarchy of the club. In anger I charged off back into the offices, selecting one office in particular – Yermolai Relikovic! As I came to the door, I kicked the door in nearly knocking off it's hinges, and there sat in a large leather seat, sat the man I came to confront.

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQJ3wqCX5dJHecireTeqyYryr8lAZ5fT 4Bb54DQlwHgoyMheQiD

Yermolai: Nikolavski! Why did you kick in my door? Is there something your unpleasant with? Like your life? Do you feel that you have lived too much and want it all to end, already?
Niko: Stop playing coy! Why the hell did Riley get an office and not me? That American b:censored: is the assistant, not the manager!
Yermolai: Phetrov.

Suddenly, my anger drained from my face as the name filled into my ears – Phetrov. The clone that I killed back, so long ago.

Niko: What? What are you talking about?
Yermolai: Phetrov, the person who once lived in the town you worked in. A friend of mine, you killed with your own hands.

I couldn't understand. Didn't he know he was a clone?

Niko: How... How did you know?
Yermolai: I am a man with wealth and connections, Nikolavski. I know more then you would ever know. And, I know the truth behind it all. But, I don't care about that. All I care is that I have you on a leash.
Niko: Right, so you think I will obey you, just like a f:censored:ing dog!
Yermolai: I expect you to do what you have been hired to do, win things here at this club. You owe me a … favour. If you bring this club to Premier League, you will succeed, if not then your journey will met a bloody end!
Niko: What favour do I 'owe' you?
Yermolai: That I didn't send my men after you and killed you then! You have a gift, more in other ways, like your brothers, but you have one I need to be used. Do it, and you can be gifted graciously with every success, and if not? I can terminate the contract and your life right here!

He shouted, saliva flying out of his mouth as his chair flung backwards as he stood up, with a pistol aimed at my head. Sweat started to fall from my brow faster then I could count. Drop by drop, second by second – I could feel my heart beat echo throughout my body.

Yermolai: Nikolavski, do you understand?
Niko: The name's Niko – but I understand very well Yermolai.
Yermolai: Good.

He said sitting back down, resting the gun onto the table. I watched as the smug look on his face crept out like he was in a bakery. I had to urge my body not to run and grab the pistol and using it on him. Urges that had been strong since I came here.

Yermolai: Now, Nikolavski – is there something you specifically need to know, or are we done?
Niko: Yeah, is that Babe, single or what?

I asked jokingly, trying to hide my anger.

Yermolai: What babe? There is a lot of women in the world, Nikolavski? Please elaborate!
Niko: You know, Babe as in Babe!
Yermolai: The pig? I did not know Croatian's were into such things!
Niko: No! The Babe Cummings!
Yermolai: I do not want to hear about your escapades with pigs! No leave before I constraint you and have your nuts chopped off and fed to my dogs!

In a huff, I walked off – once again resisting the urge to kill my boss, like most sane employees, and after turning the corner, I kicked out into the air – or what I thought was air – hitting something with power.


Niko: Ah s:censored:! I kicked a midget!
Dwarf: Hey, what the hell man? What was that?
Niko: I thought I kicked the air, I couldn't see you, so....
Dwarf: Was that a joke about my height?
Niko: No, I literally didn't see the back of your head!
Dwarf: So your saying my head is smaller then your foot? Another joke about my size, right?
Niko: No!
Dwarf: I head you had history with abusing people on the smaller nature, but I thought he wouldn't be that cruel. F:censored:! All I was doing was seeing up women's skirts and you kicked me away from the best shot! Can't a small guy catch a break in a big guy's world?
Niko: Look, you have to try and listen and understand.
Dwarf: 'Understand'? So you now think it is funny to talk about my stance!
Niko: What? You really need to get your head out from up your arse.
Dwarf: Up, huh? Up as in places that I can't reach because I am so small!
Niko: Your really must have selective hearing!
Dwarf: What because I am so small I can't hear your whole sentences because I am so below your mouth? F:censored: you man!

He said, hobbling away. Already I could sense that today was going to be a long, long day.

One of the quirks of the new job here in England, was a company car, something I hadn't gotten since I had started having sex with Lucia, who used to explode cars when she was horny. I slithered down stairs, with the address of the teams training ground in my back pocket, and with my the keys in hand I searched the parking lot for a car - a dencent car, that would breakdown after a ten minute journey – and then my eyes lit up as I saw it!


Niko: A F:censored:ing Ferrari? This defiantly makes up for the whole office thing!

As I skipped happily towards the car, I noticed that they were keys dangling from the key whole with the horse present, alluring like a pervert in an ice cream van. I entered the car, entranced by the luxurious interior of the powerhouse car. Finally, I felt welcome at my new job – in that moment I felt at ease about everything. But, the next minute, it all shattered as I saw an angry face thumping at the window.


Riley: What the hell do you think your f:censored:ing doing in my car?

He screamed, as I got out the car ashamed.

Riley: This is my car! I leave it alone for a few seconds and your sorry a:censored: tries to steal it!
Niko: So you got the office and the Ferrari? What car did I get then?
Riley: Well maybe you should look around, since there are only two cars here!

I exhaled slowly, as I turned around to face the ultimate jab in the back – but it still made me angry!


Niko: Not ANOTHER Faggy Fiat!

I screamed as I charged towards the car that seemed to stalk me. In a huff, I got into the faggy car, and drove off as fast as I could, to ensure my humiliation wouldn't be met with anyone else. Driving to the training ground took longer then I initial thought – driving through the center of Newark was hell with a lot of traffic, and pedestrians laughing at me as crawled forward. But soon, I arrived at Devon Park, the training ground which was also the home of Newark Town, the crappy team of Newark no-one cared about.


When I arrived, training had already begun and the players were doing running drills for fitness for the up-coming pre-season matches – as well to loose some of their fatness. I was in for a shock, as one of the coaches I met was something completely different to what I was expecting.


Niko: Hey, your the boss's son, right?
Anton: Yeah, what to it? It was either this or going to one of Susan Boyle's 'Sus-anal-bum-party'.
Niko: Great. So what kind of team am I working with here?
Anton: Well, the 'boss' spent a a lot of money to ensure that we could get a good team basis down for you to work with – sending scouts out to every corner of the world to find players no-one would look at. Including a player you know, called Hanchu or something.
Niko: Hannu Sulonen?
Anton: Yeah someone like that.
Niko: Anything else I should know?
Anton: You have to do the preseason yourself, but has to be two cups, one of them Yasha did for you, called 'Vodka Cup' all you need to do is add the teams. Another one has to be called 'Boltsky', 'Boss' wants to advertise the company on British soil.
Niko: Right, then...

After that Anton grabs his coat, and tried to leave, before I stopped him half-way.

Niko: Where the hell do you think your going?
Anton: I have done my work for today. Heard Mario Ballotelli is having a firework display in his bathroom, got to go to Manchester. See yeah!

He said casually, like he didn't even needed to be here in the first place. Sighing, I sat down at the desk, which was engraved with my name, meaning I did have a desk at the training facilty, but the only problem being that it was placed...


Niko: How the hell did I get into here in the first place?

I questioned myself, as I looked at the large amout of paper on the desk, sitting in a stack with a 'Nikolavski – Read me!' postetnote attached to it. Reading through the paper, it was the 'expectations' of whom I would be expected to invite for both the Vodka Cup and Boltsky Cup, one being one of my former clubs – which was THES Sport – and another being either Arsenal or Chelsea – which both hung off after a hour of laughter afterwards of suggesting the idea.

After spending the morning gathering two lists of teams for each cup, I noticed the onligation I had to do also – 'WIN THESE CUPS!' - which seemed to be a little harder then I thought as I overlooked the lists again:

Vodka Cup – 23rd to 24th July 2012
Newark Athletic

Boltsky Cup – 28th to 29th July 2012
Bradford City
Newark Athletic
THES Sport

With a tought opposition in both teams, being either two divisions or three, meant I had to have a team full of amazing unknown superstars or be a tactical wizard, which I couldn't know till I met the team.

I shrugged my shoulders and walked outside to witness the training which was done by another surprising coach.


Power: Right you guys, listen to me or your going to get f:censored:ing beaten! You are all kids, I am your f:censored:ing boss! The average age of this whole team is 17.50 years old, I am not f:censored:ing s:censored:ing you! The boss wants results and promotion, we will get promotion. Even though he has heard a non-talented hack as the manager instead of the Perfect One here, but you all will previal under my guidance!

The self-assured preacher stood in the centre of the circle of young twenty players, who seemed to be either disinterested or intrguied by his words.

Power: I am the f:censored:ing powerhouse, B:censored:es! I have layed whoes from all over the world, so I have got the technique!
Player: What did she look like?
Power: What?

One specific player interrupted the endless trout of self-movitivation, who spoke in a heavy Polish accent.

Player: What did this 'whoe' look like?
Power: There was too many to remember kid! What's your name?
Player: Kowalinho!
Power: What a retarded name! Are you trying to Brazilian? Do you think that by having an Brazilian name, you would any decent?
Kowalinho: Actually, it was my nickname!
Power: God, your nickname? What the f:censored: are you? Fifteen? You haven't even hit puberty yet, and your asking the Perfection for women advice? Go back to your mother's tits, kid. I beat you can't even kick a ball!

Determined the lad got up, grab a football and blasted to the other side of the field, hitting the cross bar perfectly, as it bounced back down and into the back of the net, which seemed to be.... impossible! In amazement there was a moment of silence, and it was then when I walked away with a grin on my face.

Niko: Maybe, I do have a group of unknown wonderkids!

I said passing by a weird looking guy with a mohawk.


Mohawk: Hey, your Niko right? Would you be okay with me taking a video?
Niko: Sure! As long as it doesn't include a cloth smelling of chloroform, and I won't be awaken tied onto a chair, with a man with a marmalade fetish licking marmalade off a womans toes, right?
Mohawk: Okay!

He said, grabbing a massive old fashioned camera.


Niko: Wow, what the hell?
Mohawk Stalker: What? I am a cameraman, so I need a video for the local BBC news!
Niko: Oh okay!

He started to fiddle around with the settings of the camera standing further away from me as he aimed it at my face. But suddenly, I could hear something falling from the sky, and before I could tell him to move, it landed right onto of him.


And the next minute he was crushed under a grand piano.

Niko: Oh my God! They killed AMC!
Stranger: Those B:censored:s!

After a brief moment....

Stranger: Who?
Niko: That guy!

I said pointing to the rubble of human remains and piano parts.

Niko: A Mohawked Cameraman! A.M.C!
Stranger: But how the hell did a piano fall from the sky?
Niko: Dunno, but weirder s:censored: has happened to me!

A few thousand feet up....


Pilot: What did you mean you 'dropped' it? It was a f:censored:ing grand piano, Jerry!
Jerry: Well you know, I wanted some fresh air, so I opened the pad to get some nice wind blowing in, and the next thing I know, it's in the clouds below!
Pilot: Why didn't you just use the fans built into the f:censored:ing panel above?
Jerry: Oh... So that's what that is!
Pilot: You know the boss is going to kill you, right? You dropped his grand piano!
Jerry: Meh. We delievered it, but not to the right place... Or person...
Pilot: You better not let that anvil drop either!
Pilot: Jerry?
Jerry: Hey, you know that anvil, right?

Back at the training ground....

Niko: I felt like I have just witnessed someone else who is going to be pissed off at me...

I said, feeling a shiver. I then turned back around, getting ready for the preseason ahead, which started against Rochdale in just four days time...


08-02-13, 12:03 PM
Quality start and AMC killed already. Things are looking good.

08-02-13, 02:11 PM
Great read :ok:

Baron Zbimg
08-02-13, 02:21 PM
Fantastic start !!Bring on the games!

08-02-13, 04:32 PM
Great start! Can't wait to read more!

08-02-13, 05:20 PM
Me Too :D

09-02-13, 11:31 PM
everyone has 110 ca as a way to say sorry for the extended delay btw

10-02-13, 05:47 PM
Quality start.

10-02-13, 10:09 PM
Quality. Get Soccer AM down for the crossbar challenge with Kowalinho the star man!

15-02-13, 02:56 PM
Great start to the story! Looking forward to seeing how this goes.

18-03-13, 08:44 PM
as usual, my luck with computers has cursed me. My hard drive has died, and killed everything in its path. I have lost months worths of coursework, alongside this game and save.

I am so sorry that i wasn't able to continue this story, as i personally felt this would have been the best story i have written so far. I took a chance with an old hard drive, and it has bitten me on my concieted ass.

Unfortunately, i don't think there will be any phoenixes rising from the ash, and i think that this is a wake-up calling for me too not start story as it would just end prematurely.

I would have loved to give you guys a much happier, and enjoyful message after not doing an update for so long - but it seems karma is against me in terms of writing an story that would reach a concluded and climatic end.

I just want to thank all of you for signing up for the interaction, and for the silent voiceless readers who enjoyed each update.

My love for the game seems to have died alongside the hard drive, and i will most likely lurk around for the forseeable future - but maybe i might do another story involving Niko one day, only the future knows.

Sorry for typing so much, but i do appreciate all the support.

See you around,


18-03-13, 08:55 PM
NOOOO!!!!!!!! Gutted to hear that :( but I hope this isn't the last we'll see of your stories. Your stories are completely unique and this site will suffer without them.

18-03-13, 09:02 PM
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (and more ooo) :(

18-03-13, 10:26 PM
Sorry to hear mate!

This one was just clicking into play nicely as well!

As CMA says, don't give up on them.
Start another soon.

18-03-13, 10:47 PM
Gutted for you man and I hope the important stuff, like the coursework, can somehow be recovered. This place just won't be the same without the prospect of a ZanSnake story.

One thing is for sure. Agent Zan, ZanSnake and BranFlake are sure to stay around in stories.

04-04-13, 09:59 AM

Niko: What the hell? Are you saying something to me?
Yermolai: We believe that this objective is too much for you, Nikolavski!

I sat in the same room as before, with the fat man sitting across me, spiting more crap out then a Jeremy Clarkson review. He was trying to tell me that he couldn't 'afford' to take the risk no more, even though he had just started!

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRQX_6YkrqmqUJsxgts9ZZP6QndRTDUI mkuHDUETm0oUQY-X8AG

Yermolai: Please do not take that tone with me, Nikolavski! You should now I do not like to be spoken like that!
Niko: What do you f:censored:ing expect!
Yermolai: A willingness of acceptance.
Niko: You just told me you are going to kill me because your fat lazy ass can't be bothered to be trusting me!
Yermolai: You talk to me like a am a nobody! You deserve to die! Aswell as killing brother Phetrov. How could I trust someone that kills a fallen friend!?
Niko: I am not going to allow you to build people's dreams up to knock them down!

I said aggresively, standing up in anger as the three large steroid abusing men approached me. One tried to grabb my neck, but was too slow as I grabbed his right hand as I dodged and snapped it back – a warning to the two others.

Yermolai: You don't care about them Nikolavski, do you? You care about your life, right? So stop delaying the inevatible!
Niko: You may kill everything else, but you will not kill this opportunity! You said it yourself, you want success and I am the man! I don't care what you have to say, but I won't allow you to not allow me to show my f:censored:ing worth in this country!
Yermolai: Maybe you speak truth, or maybe it is the Vodka speaking. But, Nikolavski, I will allow this club to carry on.
Niko: Good! I am glad we didn't have to resort in your death.

I said, throwing my pistol onto the wooden table, along side an army tact knife and a grenade. Yermolai smiled and nodded as he saw my arsenal laid out on the table.

Niko: Now, if you may I have a football club to run, and some chicks to shag. Alongside some people to probably kill down the line – which I hope doesn't include you!

I spouted as I walked outwards towards the door, as the two bodyguards shook in fear as I passed them. As I passed through the door, I could hear there conversation.

Bodyguard: Mickey! Oh, Mickey what did that horrible beast do to you?
Mickey: He broke my arm Mini! That evil man, him!
Mini: Why! All you wanted to do was straggle him! And he broke your arm! How are you going to double fist me tonight now?
Bodyguard #3: Heellllooo!

With that being said, I knew that I was close to loosing what I wanted to accomplish – shagging Ke$ha – and close to loosing my life, but I am determined that I will be able to push on and fight against ANY THING THAT GETS IN MY WAY!!!

04-04-13, 10:06 AM


Baron Zbimg
04-04-13, 01:14 PM
Good to see you back Nikolavski

04-04-13, 01:54 PM
Access Denied (policy_denied)

Your system policy has denied access to the requested URL.

For assistance, contact your network support team.

Guess this is not suitable for work then...

05-04-13, 07:16 PM
The First Journey
Chapter One:
Air of Expectancy

The Voices. They have stopped.

But they have taken their toll on me – they have scarred my memory with mental episodes of uncertainty. Every since the day we charged on ward against the force of Phetrovolgy, everything has been hazy. M. I can't remember his face, nor his identity. Did he survive? Or did he lay in the ruins of his organisation?

I can't honestly say. All I know is that since that day, there has been no voices, just silence. Abnormality has been apart of my life for so long, and now, I am tasting what feels... acceptance.

Walking out onto the little balcony I had in my small flat, I got out a pack of ten menthol Richmond’s, and brought one to my lips and lit it with my lighter. Inhaling the minty taste, I started to think about the new life I could have. And the task that laid ahead of me.

Niko: So I have to win the UEFA Champions League title, from scratch? And my boss wants revenge for killing a clone of his deceased friend? F:censored:!

This might be a bad situation for most, but for me – I feel accepted into the concept. It was more calmer then I am used too. As I finished off the cigarette in the cold breeze, my mind turned to the first test I had to go against: Football League Two side Rochdale.

Throw the last remains onto the ground, more than fifty feet below, I turned and walked away, ready to meet up with the rest of the team in just a couple of hours for the first match to ever take place at Boltsky Stadium.

Wednesday 18th July 2012
Newark Athletic v. Rochdale
(Wato '31, Ediz '61 '78)
MotM – Volkan Ediz

For the first ever match at the Boltsky Stadium, 10,637 people crammed into the stadium to watch the team give a strong performance against the better favourites – Rochdale. For the tactic, I wanted to balance the squads depth in the areas to create more of a rotation towards the season, sending the defensive midfielder to go forward, to sit comfortably with the central midfielder once the team was attacking, to hopefully break down any possible counter attacks from Rochdale in failed attempts to score:


We were strong throughout, having twenty-one attempts on goal, only fourteen on target – obviously only one striker was able to do the final deed and finishing his chances. Wato capitalised on a beautiful play between Hemphill and The Eejit (just a coincidence of names?), but we weren't able to build upon before the break. Not wanting to risk fitness, with the more competitions set in the coming weeks, seven changes was made during the second half, with Ediz and Vasily connecting after the hour mark to make it 2-0, before Ediz pounced on a mistake to seal the deal for us.


The team was n fire, quite literally for the fans, as in the celebrating at the end of the match, one supporter with A Metal Chair was stuck by a random lightning bolt, setting his weird dread-locked hair on fire.


Luckily he survived... the lightning bolt, but not the anvil that dropped from the heavens above. His body splitting into a large puddle of blood, spraying the red liquid all over the fans. And above I heard a loud shout...

Pilot: God damn it Jerry! You've dropped the anvil, again?
Jerry: Sorry, I was sending a tweet.

In reaction, I did what I always did when someone was killed in front of me:

Niko: OMG! They killed AMC!
Crowd: Those Bastards! Yay!

As we entered into the amusingly named 'Vodka Cup', we were ushered into the Semi-Final against Cheltenham, which I decide to play the same team as I had done for Rochdale, allowing to get a sense of the kind of team that would be strongest eleven going into the season – but meaning that despite the result, I had to be like a Geordie whore on a usual night into town, and be open to new players being slotted into the positions.

Well, that was the idea....

Monday 23rd July 2012
Vodka Cup Semi-Final
Newark v. Cheltenham
(Kowalinho '21, Wato '34, O'Toibin '36)
MotM – Diarmuid O'Toibin

A spectacular first half, which saw the whole team commencing forward like an army front-line, with all the goals getting assists and fluent attacks throughout, which wouldn't make you think that we were the team in the lowest division in England. The team once again worked well with one another, with Kowalinho and Zbimg assisting two of the goals – and substitute Mark Clayton being the only person to put an average performance in.

The team was on a high, something which I thought I could use by making a few changes for the English Football League One side Bournemouth in the final of the Vodka Cup. I wanted to give some players a chance to shine in what-was for the team, the closest thing I have been to a cup final.

The team I chose was:


Tuesday 24th July 2012
Vodka Cup Final
Newark v. Bournemouth
6-5 Pens.
MoM: Darryl Flhavan

It was a match of how good was the oppositions keeper then anything! With over fourteen shots on goal, six of which got a save from Bournemouth's Man of the Match, which drew us into penalties, where fortunately all our players were able to score, and thanks to McDermott's miss went we would have one trophy to our name!

With the teams self-esteem as high as my first employer, the team descended into the party spirit in the aftermath – all pumped for the next pre-season cup, which I was confident we would stroll into the final. As the players partied with celebration, I decided to retire to my flat for some R&R.

Sitting in the small flat, I looked up at the white pealing ceiling, and thought more about the predicament I was in. The fact of the matter is that we do have a talented bunch of player – so talented that if we did get promotion and win the league, other teams would be buying them, but that would be the same if we failed to go up.

And with the larger teams also able to buy during now and the end of the season, the threat was a sure problem to come sometime down the line. Meaning that we would have to get ready to fight to keep the players, as we wouldn't be able to buy players to replace them, or even loan them in.

Niko: For f:censored:sake! Why is it that something swings against me? First the whole Phetrov crap is on my back, and this thing! What's next?

As I said that, I said back up as a masked woman put a gun to my head – my instinctive reactions to slow.

Niko: Please tell me your here for some good times in the bed!

She shook her head, meaning one thing. I drank the rest of my scotch before knocking the gun out of her hand, flying into the air, and then hit my palm into her toned stomach, before catching the gun in my hand.

Niko: Ha! Bet James Bond couldn't do that!

I gloated as the woman stood back up, before I got a sharp pain in the back of my head.

Voice: I doubt he would be so stupid to fall for a diversion like that!

I grabbed the back of my head, as I fell onto my knees and then looked towards my blood-soaked hands. And soon, the familiarity of darkness descended across my vision, once too many times.

The only thing that rang inside my head was whispers of:

Let.... this.... River..... Flow......


05-04-13, 07:35 PM
Haha a starting left back who would have thunk it?

08-04-13, 11:49 AM
Whoop, played in the final! Shame we didn't win as convincingly as the teams before then though. Expect to be on the bench now.

Who's kidnapped Niko now?!

08-04-13, 02:11 PM
Nice one!

I really hope there's a kidnapping at the end of every update, could make managing the team difficult though!

0 goals conceded. Us boys at the back doing the business. Come on strikers, get some goals! If we have another 0-0 I'm going to have to come up for corners :P

09-04-13, 11:51 AM
Nice one!

I really hope there's a kidnapping at the end of every update, could make managing the team difficult though!

0 goals conceded. Us boys at the back doing the business. Come on strikers, get some goals! If we have another 0-0 I'm going to have to come up for corners :P

I hope not!

Because then i would have to write in characters/scenarios which would have to be unpredictable, entertaining as well as possibly being a reference to something else. No hints there to who could have ;)

Thanks for the replies peeps! Hope to get the next one out sooner

09-04-13, 12:05 PM
Nice one!

I really hope there's a kidnapping at the end of every update, could make managing the team difficult though!

0 goals conceded. Us boys at the back doing the business. Come on strikers, get some goals! If we have another 0-0 I'm going to have to come up for corners :P

You boys at the back are sitting on your collective arses drinking cups of coffee. No-one gets past the wall that is The Eejit !

Absolutely brilliant to see this story back.

09-04-13, 02:07 PM
It's good coffee to be fair...

10-04-13, 01:41 PM
The First Journey
Chapter One:
Air of Expectancy

Let.... this.... River..... Flow......

Those bitter words echoed through my mind, as I felt my still body being dragged across a cemented ground. My face was covered in a black sack, which was a nice silky cloth, making a lot nicer then the previous times I was kidnapped by some maniac. As the gravel tore at my fine shoes, I was halted and grabbed higher before being thrown into a solid wall, which I bounced off and fell back onto the floor.

As I heard a metal clashing, like a gate shutting, I leant against he wall and then freed my self from the handcuffs by dislocating my thumbs, and took off the black silk sack and looked at where I was being held.


Niko: Well, at least they are actually trying to be frightening, unlike that time I was held in Disnae. Still can't believe they put me in a dress and a long-ass blonde wig, kinky fascists!

Pushing my thumbs back into place, I staggered against the far right wall, and saw two shadows, of the guards.

Niko: Guess two is the magical number!

Thinking of the best escape plan, I remembered one of the greatest escape plans I had ever forced to do. Smirking at the ingenious of the idea, I got myself ready to say the magic words, that would guarantee my escape.

Niko: Right let's remember this...

I said to myself, before taking a deep inhale.

Niko: Jitterbug Jitterbug...

After waiting for about four seconds, it happened!

You put the boom-boom into my heart
You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts
Jitterbug into my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same
But something's bugging you
Something ain't right
My best friend told me what you did last night
Left me sleepin' in my bed
I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead.

As he sang his little heart out, it came apparent to me, that how the hell would that help me escape from the prison I was in? But, then something magical happened! The bars started to fall apart and the large room suddenly changed into a stage, and a large roaring crowd emerged from the floor, and I was put within them.


As the two guards went into the chorus, I retreated backwards out of the large cheering crowd, who most resembled a Freddie Mercury look-a-like convention, and escaped into the background, seeing only a singular – for whatever reason – elevator to use. I pressed the button to call the elevator to the level, only to be horrified and confused by the sight in front of me.


Bottom Asian: Herro! Wourd you rike to come in?
Niko: Ah....

I was literally speechress- I mean speechless!

Humper Asian: Rearry? You don't want to join in wid us?
Niko: I'll wait for the next one. It looks like you are enjoying yourselves! And I wouldn't want to be a burden!
Bottom Asian: It wourd be no probrem!

I shook my head as the doors closed, shuddering with the thought of actually joining in with them! After waiting for about half an hour, in which the guards continued with the improvised concert doing the whole catalogue of Wham! and Boy George, I called for the elevator once more, which this time was empty.

I boarded the elevator and then looked at the panel, which didn't have numbers or any letters to indicate where I would be going. I pressed the lowest button to hope that it would take me to the group floor. But once again, I was forced to witness an ugly sight.


Toilet Asian: Hey! I am doing a poop-poop! Reave me arone!!
Niko: Haven't I seen you before?
Toilet Asian: No! Now go away!

He said, as I pressed another random button, hoping for the next one it wouldn't be another weird account, but as the elevator stopped a voice over came off the speakers.

Voice: Sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit, these men promptly escaped from a maximum security by going a sewer pipe to the Asian underground.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as unwanted soldiers of fortune.
If you have a 'probrem' - If the original team can't help – and if you can find their midget asses - you can hire the Midget A-Team!

After the voice over was done, I felt really anxious and get pressing any button I could to escape...



Niko: F:censored: not midgets!!!

I screamed as the doors finally closed. Feeling more relaxed, I leant back as gas entered the small containment making me feeling sleepy, I fell to my knees as the gas soon faded away the doors opened once more with a figure standing over me, but due to my eye lids feeling so heavy I wasn't able to see anything but a foggy figure before darkness descended over my vision.


Let this River flow,
And at lest he shall Rise!!

The voices. The dreaded words that was silent for so long, once echoed in my head. And as I groggly woke up, I tensed my arms only to realise that I was tied onto an old fashioned. Trying to shift my weight by rocking side to side, I came to realise that the chair itself was attached to the cement floor. As my eyes adjusted, I got to see the person who was to blame for all of this!


Asian Leader: Herro, Nikoravski!
Niko: The name is Niko, if anyone cares!
Asian Leader: I dooooo!

He said laying on the floor, leaning his head on to his arms, and swinging his legs in the air as he stared straight at me, and smiling like a high school stalker of a 'jock'.

Niko: So what do you want from me? Want to kill me? Torture? Kill someone? Eat marmalade and chocolate spread off someone's foot?

Rest in peace Theodore Eejit.

Asian Leader: What I want from you? I want you, Nikoravski! Me big fan of yours! And I have no friends.
Niko: It's Niko by the way, and what do you mean 'no friends'? Don't you rule a whole country?
Asian Leader: Yeah, I do but no-one rikes the reader no more!
Niko: 'Reader'? I guess watching someone read books out all the time would be boring....
Asian Leader: You so funny! My name is Kim, but you can carr me Kimmy!
Niko: Have you got a less effeminate nick name?
Kimmy: Yes, but I don't want to say it. But, if it is for you I wirr! My oder nickname is Mr. Ronery.
Niko: Why?
Kimmy: Werr....

Soon a microphone slowly descended from the ceiling as 'Kimmy' stood up, and a guy who looked like Elton John was pushed on with chains around him at a piano. I felt like I was going to be educated through a musical torture.

Kimmy:I'm so Ronery (so Ronery),
I'm Mr. Ronery (Mr. Ronery)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
For my own (to carr my own) friend!

I'm so Ronery (so ronery)
I'm Mr. Ronery (Mr. Ronery)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
For my own (to carr my own) friend!

But before he could break into a chorus, and really make my ears bleed, I decided to interrupt.

Niko: Okay, okay! I'll be your 'friend', if you just please stop singing!

And like that it stopped.

Kimmy: Rearry?
Niko: Yes! Now, please just let me go!!
Kimmy: I wirr! But to make sure you rearry are my friend, I wirr assign to of my guards to keep watch over you!

Then I saw two figures that emerged from the corner of the room. One of which I thought I had already encountered, and the other I want to encounter!


Kimmy: De mare is Ring-Ring, a rorarry guard. And oder is Aki, Japanese ninja!
Niko: Ring-Ring and Aki? Nice to meet you, even though I don't like the feeling I have already met Ring-Ring before!
Kimmy: He is kinky! Wirr do anyding you ask of him! Name is Ring-Ring, not Ring-Ring!
Niko: That is what I said!
Kimmy: No you said Ring-Ring, as in phone. I mean Ring-Ring rike name!

He then pointed to a name tag that said 'Ling-Ling', I nodded back like what he had said to me made sense.

Kimmy: If I get bored, I wirr terr these peopre to come get you! And we pray with one another!
Niko: But I am not religious.... Oh, you mean play! Sorry, I am not homophobic or anything, but I prefer tacos over sausages!
Ling-Ling: Not sexuarry! As in toys, buirding nucrear bombs and stuff....
Niko: Ah, okay then...

I said, as I was freed from the chair. After that I was escorted out by Aki, who also followed me to my flat, but even though I kept questioning her into my bed, she said nothing and left. Meaning a challenge had just opened up, which I would happily accept.

After sorting out the whole kidnapping mishap, it was straight into the next cup friendly, which I decided that due to the closeness of the last game, and because the team we would be facing, which was my former employers THES Sport, had become such a talentless side since I left them, I wanted to stick to the same team and tactics – with the back four being strong last team, but hoping the attack can click together and gain some goals:


Saturday 28th July 2012
Boltsky Cup Semi-Final
Newark v. THES Sport
( Van der Voom '13 '24, Wato '44, Sulonen '90)
MoM: H. Van der Voom

A match were blitz them, with the attack in full sync as Henderson, The Eejit and Hernandez helping the goalscorers, feeding the thirteen attempts consistently, it was only a matter of 'how many' rather then 'if'. But it was Van der Voom who was alert to score a brace, and the midfielder hunter Wato, who scored his third goal of the pre-season, who sealed the win at the end of the first half. And also shockingly, it was Wato's half-time replacement who scored the final goal, with a brilliantly struck half-volley from a beautiful worked goal from Henderson.

And due to Bradford losing on penalties to Blackpool after a thrilling 2-2 draw, it meant we had to face the English Championship side in the final. I was wary that we had to beat them, or otherwise the owner might do something drastic! For the side I put out, I was enforced to make one change with Hemphill playing on the left side attack instead of O'Toibin, who was tired with the short timing between the two games – which could have been said for the rest of the team – but still the team was otherwise unchanged:


Sunday 29th July 2012
Boltsky Cup Final
Newark v. Blackpool
(K. Phillips '44, M. Phillips '85)
Hoolihan sent off '48
MoM: M. Phillips

The superiority of the team was clear, cutting us down to only four attempts on goals, but having over eleven free-kicks. We were able to contain them for forty-four minutes, but was deceived by a brilliant solo goal from experienced striker Kevin Phillips, with Wood only able to parry the original shot, but he was able to capitalise on the rebound. The defence gave him too much space, and it bit us on the ass.

I tried to get them pumped up for the second half, but Hoolihan's red card burst the bubble, enforcing me to make tactical changes that worked to stabilise the team, but seemed to suppress the attacking players, making it hard for the side to equalise. We were able to keep all of Blackpool's attack at bay, which often was influenced by Matt Philips, but eventually he was able to break down the defence as the seal the win for the superior team.

And as I thought, a day after the match, I was called in by Yermolai for my punishment for failing to win the second trophy. I was called into the office which felt more like a judgement room then an office, with the same large demeaning figure in the chair.

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRQX_6YkrqmqUJsxgts9ZZP6QndRTDUI mkuHDUETm0oUQY-X8AG

Yermolai: You have failed me, Nikolavski. I am disappointed that you were not able to succeed at my simple instruction to do. For this, you will have to pay.
Niko: What the hell? Do you think I can s:censored: miracles?! I did the best that was possible from inexperienced players against a superior team, and with ten men on the field!
Yermolai: I have taken that under consideration. And, I have decided for something less sinister then I originally thought of.

Soon, A Mexican Character was dragged into the room, and put right next to the window, alongside another person who I hadn't seen before.


As the Mexican, who was gagged, was being splashed with gasoline, the other man sat in a seat under the large glass window above watching. He then turned to myself, with his hands down his pants and smiling more weirder then Justin Bieber. Soon the Mexican was put on fire and ran around the room like a cheetah on fire. But soon, he carcass dropped onto the floor with only little flames still ignite in the ashes.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! They killed AMC!
Weirder Person: Oh yes! Those kinky b:censored:s!

He said, with a strange face and his pants now wet, taking a deep inhale, which made one ember of the flame rise onto the rope that was attached to the unfinished built flat screen television attached to the left wall of the room, which was close to the weird guy but not enough to crush. As the TV fell onto the ground, one piece of plastic broke off the casing, and then bounced off the wall and smashing the glass ceiling, forcing the glass to fall down, but the weird guy quickly hid under the table and was safe, as were both myself and Yermolai as we stood out reach of the falling shards of glass. The weird guy then crawled out of the table, cutting his hands in the process but was otherwise specifically safe. Except for the next moment, my instincts kicked in, and behind me was.


Was a midget holding a tact knife. As he jumped at me, I spun leaving him to crash straight into the weird guy, who feel backwards into the window that overlooked the car-park behind him. With the force of the midget's weight and his own weight the window smashed and he fell down straight onto of a car.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! You killed AMC!
Midget: Ah B:censored:!

He said picking himself up, and then picking the knife up again.

Midget: Wrong person!

He said, once again jumping at me, but instinctively I kicked the midget with as much as I could, sending him fly out of the same broken window as the weird guy. As he fell out, I turned towards Yermolai, who looked unimpressed and nodded towards me as a sign to leave, as his sipped his vodka. I nodded back and left, with one thing in my head.

Niko: (mumbling) I f:censored:ing hate midgets!

As I walked down to the car park, I saw which car they had fell ontop, as had to laugh.


It was Riley's Ferrari, which made it more a better end to the day then I thought. As I got out my packet of Richmond’s and lit a cigarette, I smiled at the thought that maybe this place wasn't going to be as bad as I had thought.

But then again, the season had yet to start.

10-04-13, 02:43 PM
Classic Niko !
Great to have him back.

You do know that there is no official record for number of AMC deaths in a single post :)

10-04-13, 03:08 PM
My brain has just exploded. :D

10-04-13, 04:18 PM
My brain has just exploded. :D

Hopefully in a good way lol :D

10-04-13, 04:40 PM
Hell of an update!

11-04-13, 12:37 PM
Awesome. I'm getting some serious weird looks from people in the office, especially when someone saw the midget A-team pic :)

11-04-13, 05:34 PM
Appeal the unjust sending off of Hoolihan!

23-04-13, 05:21 PM
I am a bit behind with my coursework, but i will start writing new updates either some point tonight, tomorrow or Thursday, being posted either Friday or some point at the weekend. I have a lot of wacky ideas in mind, which is good, as well as alot of 'catching' up to do in terms of in-game play and writing, so expect some kind of onslaught of updates at some point. :eyebrows:

24-04-13, 01:12 AM
I will be writing a interview which will recap the happenings in TEJ, with a somewhat closed ending to it, which hopefully will tie in any questions to future references within the future updates that some might not be able to understand. Again, some story-lines will inter-cross from TEJ, so hopefully this will outline the importance. BUT, they won't be intervene till LONG way down the line. Only the Midgets storyline will intervene now.

Yay for me!

24-04-13, 01:49 AM
Last Updated: 1st August 2012
Exclusive Interview with Newark's Niko Bergstrom


The controversial manager who made an impact on the world of football, despite the FIFA's goal of removing his successes from history, sat down with James McDonald for an exclusive interview with the media shy twenty-five year old.

Thanks for allowing Sky Sports to interview, especially since you seem to have a vendetta with the media since you came here.

It only hasn't started here, I have been avoiding doing public interviews since I was at HyPS [Finnish Club Hyvinkδδn Palloseura], it all stemmed from false reports of me being in a gang war and me shagging a monkey, among other things. Hopefully the British media isn't as bad.

Well, I assure you that we wouldn't be talking about such things. You started being a manager nearly seven years ago, where you started at the age of 18 years old. How did it feel to have such a pressured job at such a young age? And, what have you learnt from the experience in the last seven years?

Well, of course I had a year and a half out to become a musician which failed hopelessly, but I was an optimistic young hotshot, and I really didn't let the pressure get onto me. In my first season we made the play-offs but lost in the semi-final, which was a large blow, but since then I have made a massive improvement with my knowledge of the footballing world, and I am sure that the success I have had at both HyPS and THES Sport [Belgian club K.V.V Tessenderlo Sport] will help guide me to success here at Newark.

You have had a lot of reported heated exchanges with chairmen in the past, what is the difference between then and now at Newark? And how does Yermolai [Relikovic] operate as the owner?

Of course when you have some dickheads as bosses, it will result in one thing: the sack. It happened at HyPS when I was forced to leave despite the club being third in the top division in their first season there! And, with THES Sport, I took them to Europa League, but I had already had enough of football then.

Yermolai is more ambitious, and more rich. This is the first time I will be able to spend money in a large frequency if I am allowed to next season, but he is somewhat overly-invested in the club, which I hope won't result in the sack. I will feel so ashamed for the club to have a reputation for letting go such a young and talented manager as myself, just because the chairman has no patience!

Yes, you can't buy or loan this season, as written into the contract between the club and the FA to allow the club to join the Blue Square Premier League, how does it feel having that restriction on your head?

Well, it doesn't bother me. I am sure that I will be able to get the title this season with the squad I have – which they showed in pre-season that they can whoop anyone's ass, if they are motivated too. The only problem I have is to consistently chose I squad for the season due to the large amount of players I have in the pecking order. Hard choices, but good choices to have!

Good, good. In the past it seemed that your personal life has interfered with your career, yet there are no exact details into what happened to you to alter your career, what actually happened?

Well it is a long, and seemingly Endless tale, but in a jiff. I was recruited into football by what-i-thought-then was a religious cult into football, which of course I didn't know owned the club, and the owner who was named Jules was a pothead. He was a member of the gang called Phetrovolgy, who seemed to be bugging me in terms of email, mail and sending people to kidnap me. I am sure I was kidnapped like six times!

Anyway, I was kidnapped by who I thought was my friend Jesper, but who was really a clone of him after the original was killed – I was so sad back then, such a little pussy! And so I was forced to kill the clone – which was such an adrenaline rush! And I also had Jules daughter Alarna on my side, who was cheating on me with my friend Mori.

Mori as in the famous singer Mori Moo?

Yep. Anyway, it turned out the Alarna was shagging Jules, who was meant to be in a civil relationship with a man named Phetrov – again, I was so frigging stupid! She kidnapped me, and Mori broke me free showing his loyalty to me as someone trying to take down Phetrovology.

We then killed all the Brazilian workers, and kidnapped Phetrov, with myself throwing him off a cliff – which turned out to be one of the two clones of the original Phetrovology co-founder. After that Jules stopped the act as a junkie, and fired me. But that was apart of the plane to get me to go to Belgian club THES Sport, which was ran by a sex crazed maniac named Theodore Eejit, who, guess what? Turned out to be a clone!

The original was a spy which worked with my spy parents, who I didn't know was spies, but they were kidnapped by Phetrovology leader 'M', he cloned himself in order to hide but brainwashed his clone to act like a loyalist to Phetrovology so one day he could come back and take the organisation down.

Soon he and I started to build a rebellion group to fight against Phetrovology, which at the same time I found out I had a kid with my ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-girlfriend Cerina Relikovic, non-relation hopefully. But during the planning, we were attacked by a homeless guy named AK-16 who turned out to be the other clone of Phetrov, being the scientific side of his brain, with the other clone being the decoy false second in command. Around this time, a guy named Zan started showing up like a ninja, I was attacked by midgets and I started to have a fascination with broccoli. Please don't get me started on the midgets!

You do know, we want to talk about FOOTBALL?

Anyway, the broccoli was from a syndicate within Phetrovology's financial aid which kidnapped my son and murdered, with my other kid, yep I had two, being safely saved by this Zan, who turned out to be my brother from another dimension, freaky!

Anyway, soon after that, I started hearing voices, and I started to get more thrilling and cool, and liked to fight. My instincts started to get better, more athletic, and stuff. I become, well the AWESOME me now! Soon we started to plan the official attack on the HQ of Phetrovology, with the added help of a demented but sexy and a good shag in bed clone code named 'Lucia'.

The day of the attack, I was retired as a footballer, Cerina and my son went off to China to become Monks after the pain they went through, so I had no ties except for my parents who was kidnapped by Phetrovology. We were able to break in, and shut down the device, but the voices in my head seemed to turn me into a sadistic killer, making me shoot at Eejit as we reached the office with 'M'.

Soon, we discovered he had known of our plan and escaped before we could kill him, but we were able to shut off the facility. I soon found out some shocking things though, that I was chosen as a child to be the successor for 'M', being brainwashed to have secret code that will heighten my instinct, and basically become a killer. The whole thing I went through was also planned, the sense of killing my friend's clone, Phetrov, my son being killed, and the endless amount of murders was to make me into a cold-hearted killer and be, what they call 'the evolved example of what man could be without morals tying humanity down'.

I also discovered that only my mother was captive and she had been dead for over twenty years, and that my father has been in hiding ever since! Strange! Anyway, there plan was also to send different clones of myself into other dimensions, with their own plans to become coldless killers, so that they could 'help' humanity in other time-lines, which Zan was one of accordingly, involved in a mafia-world or something, but was able to escape at the right moment.

In the end we EMP'd the facility and blew up the facility, the rest of the group eliminated the other minor facilities, and went our separate ways. I went into music, Eejit disappeared, most went to death, and I also had a two year sex relationship with Lucia, whilst cheating on her with Lindsay Lohan, big MISTAKE! Bitch's crazy! And then, I was called to come to England.

And that's it!

I feel like my brain had been rumbled. Why isn't this a film? Why haven't you been arrested for killing so many people? You MURDERER!

Technically I mostly killed clones, and also I was given a license to kill by Eejit who was an agent of the secret :censored: :censored: :censored: which is located at :censored: :censored: :censored:

Riiiight. Anyway, thank you for talking with us. Hopefully we can talk once more, next time about football.

This has been quite simply pleasant.


This interview has been conducted, reviewed and signed off by our lawyers. There has been evidence to support Mr. Bergstrom's claims, meaning his life has been pretty f:censored:ed up, with so many questions still unanswered. SkySports would like to apologise for the lack of sport related material within this sport interview, but as it was an exclusive and we were forced by the contract, we had to post it here.

Will Niko's goal of a title be a dream of reality? With the season round the corner, only time will tell!


24-04-13, 04:29 PM
I'm exhausted after reading that, great work!

24-04-13, 07:57 PM
Great work ZS.

26-04-13, 01:02 AM
The First Journey
Chapter Two:
Rolling Into A Deep Pile of...

It had been a weird month leading up to the start of the season, with the reappearance of the midgets, deaths of people named AMC and attaining the friendship of a North Korea psychopathic leader. It seemed even worse with the interview I did for the Sky Sports, with want seemed to be a retarded writer, but all-in-all, I couldn't wait for the football to actually start and to turn my attentions to what I was so good at – at being a football manager.

The first game was against fellow rivals for the title Hereford, who had the home advantage. Basing the tactic, I decided that in order to get more attacking options for the third end of the field, I needed to play with an attacking midfielder who would play off the lone striker, to play a role ala Frank Lampard doing a late run in to finish off the chances that are rebounded. For this I have quite a lot of choices, Zannit, Hemphill, and even some strikers. Ultimately I decided that Hemphill, who seem a larger threat on the right wing, wouldn't be the second striker role, giving to one of the more deadlier finishers in the team: Kowalinho – who added also some good dribbling skills to help with attacks as well.

For the back line, I didn't want to change that much due to the success of only conceding two gaols all pre-season, be was enforced due to an injury to Jose Hernandez, with Liam playing at right back instead. Both Eejit and Wato holding the midfield area, with O'Toibin coming in as the left winger due to the lacklustre performance he had against Blackpool, as well as fitness. In the end the team sheet looked like this:


I was confident that we would able to upset the favourites, and earn a good start to the season. Before the kick-off, I decided to give an dramatic and inspirational team talk to ensure that the lads would be able to win.


Niko: Lads, I know they are the favourites, I know we are the unknown team, I know that we are written off as a group of individuals rather then a team: but let's prove them wrong. Go out there, prove yourselves and prove this club to what we will stand for!

The lads seemed inspired, and looked like they would be up for the challenge, however....

Saturday 18th August 2012
English Conference
Hereford v. Newark
4 – 4
(Bowman '27, Smikle '38, Facey '45, Clist '45)(Ediz '6 '40, Kowalinho '9, Baz '82)
MoM – R. Bowman

The defence didn't seem to take the hint, allowing ourselves to 4-3 down at half-time after such a good early lead. Hemphill's low cross was met by the pace of Ediz whose left foot powered the ball into the net after six minutes, and Kowalinho doing his job striking the rebound after Ediz's shot was saved on the ninth minute. But then Bowman and Smikle drove the team on for Hereford and brought the score to 2-2 after thirty-nine minutes, however we was able to lead after a charging run from left back Baz, whose cross was met with the head of Edin to give us the lead.

But once again, the defence seemed to fall asleep towards the end of the half, allowing Facey and Clist to seal the lead in stoppage time. At half-time I cursed the team for being unfocused without the ball, allowing them to have too much time on the ball and giving away so many free-kicks. I subbed both Wood and Liam for Shepard and Henderson, hoping the introduction of Henderson will give Hemphill more support in attack as well as his pace to be able to back-track the right hand side, where the majority of Hereford's attack was coming from!

In the end the changes had made a positive effect, making ourselves more attacking options and make fluent movements with one another, only to be denied from two great defensive performances from Gallinagh and Carruthers. However on the eighty-second minute a beautiful lobbed pass from Wato unleashed Baz in the box, which he coolly finished to make sure we had sealed a point, and give us a dramatic ending to an exciting introduction to the English footballing world.

At the end of the match, both sets of supporters applaud the terrific attacking-minded game that they had witnessed, which added more fuel for the second encounter we would have on Boxing day, which would be hosted at our home.


The celebrating didn't last long though as we soon had another game just around the corner against Hyde. Feeling somewhat pleased with our performance in the last game, I decided to make only two changes: Eejit would be dropped for Clayton, and Shepard would play in goal instead of Wood, who made some many mistakes it made a referee look like a saint!

BobMem was also stripped as the captain for Hemphill, who seemed to have made a larger impression on the coaches and the players in training, then BobMem, who seemed to have accepted. With a couple of tactical changes, the team looked ready for their first home game:


With Hyde also drawing on the first day of the season, it seemed like both teams had enough of a reason to go all-out, but with ourselves having the home advantage.

Tuesday 21st August 2012
English Conference
Newark v. Hyde
(Wato '9, Kowalinho '11 '25)
MoM – E. Wato

A brilliant team performance in the first half made the impression clear to the home fans: WE ARE COMING FOR THE TITLE, AND WITH STYLE!! Man of the Match was a constant threat, scoring from a superb free-kick on the 9th minute for the first goal, before a brilliant team goal as Liam played in Hemphill, who once again, did a low driven cross into the box which fell to the on-running Kowalinho, who buried it nicely into the back of the next 11 minutes into the game. Hemphill was a constant threat on the right wing, but it was Wato who lobbed the ball forward for Kowalinho to seal the win 25 minutes into the half.

The second half was the same onslaught, consistently testing the oppositions keeper who was on constant alert. But come the end of the game, we had done it. We had our first win ever in our first home game, and the crowd went mental as the team took a lap of the stadium, with the 4,068 fans chanting 'Newark is coming!'


One fan was so excited he actually had an heart attack in the middle of the stand! As the crowd watched on, he grabbed onto his chest and struggled to crawl to the end of the walk way, before dropping over the rail and hitting the floor hard.

Niko: Oh My God! Nature killed AMC!
Riley: Mother-Nature B:censored:!

Dedicating the next game to our fallen comrade, I decided that to ensure that the team was fully fit and that there would be no hissy fits, I made a large amount of changes. Henderson played at left wing, Zbimg played in the second striker role as Van der Voom would be the lone striker and Vasily, who seemed preoccupied with trying to visit the chairman for some reason, played in the centre of the park. Hemphill continued as captain, as Hernandez was handled the right back role after coming back from a thigh strain. The team seemed to be determined to win for the fan that had died!


Saturday 25th August 2012
English Conference
Southport v. Newark
(Van der Voom '20 '45, Ediz '90)
MoM – H. Van der Voom

Another superb attacking display, with the lone striker once again taking the spot light, Van der Voom making an impressive impression on his debut. Once again the assist machine was Hemphill who gained another assist by a perfect pass into substitute Ediz, on the 90th minute, with Vasily and BobMem helping Van der Voom grab a brace on the 20th and 45th minute – with the away support going mental, as one fans started screaming so loud his mentally burst the brain of the other fan sitting aside of his, who collapsed inward into the crowd as was soon his corpse crowd-surfing up and down the stand, to one side to the other and back again.


Niko: Oh My God! That fan killed AMC!
Riley: Predictable b:censored:!

With us find such good form towards the end of the month, I decided to take advantage by resting some players and allowing more playing time, with both Zannit and Wato starting the game instead of sitting on the bench, swapping for Van der Voom and Vasily dropping to the bench despite some good performances in the last game. Ediz also starting, finding out his work permit might drop if he was under played which added more reason for a rotation for the lone striker role, which both he and Van der Voom seemed determine to make their own!


Once again, hoping to take advantage of the recent death of a fan, I decided to dedicate the game to the memory of the fan that had died – which I thought would make the performance stronger since we were playing at home!

Wednesday 29th August 2012
English Conference
Newark v. Woking
(Henderson '48, Hemphill '54)(Sole '90)
MoM – G. Sole

A rather secluded match in comparison of our other games this month, we had finally conceded a goal with Shepard between the posts. The game was split down the middle with each side have seven shots on goal, but we were more accurate in finding the back of the net, though we had less attempts on-target. Both our wingers were the ones who scored, with three changes on the 80th minute hoping to seal a third goal: Kowalinho, Eejit and Van der Voom coming on for Zannit, Clayton and Ediz but weren't really invested into the game as I would hope, and Woking finally able to seal one of their shots with a goal in the last kick of the game by there main threat, Sole.

The game was rather buzzing the crowd, but fortunately there wasn't another tragedy as the crowd just chanted 'Undefeated, Undefeated, Undefeated, Right Now!” in the tune of Hey Hey Goodbye, which was a nice thing to see.

As the end of the month came, I got a memo from Babe Cummings saying that Yermolai was happy at the progress we had made, and expected us to keep progressing into September. He also outlined that he wanted to win either the FA Trophy or Vans Trophy, which I didn't know if we were even able to qualify for!

After a meeting with the coaches about who was progressing nicely in training, I retired back to my flat, tired and exhausted, knowing that nothing could be waiting for me there, but I was surprised when I opened the door with someone waiting for me.


Niko: What the hell? How did you get in here? Why are you in here? And, what a nice ass you have!
Woman: I can't believe it! Nikolavski Bergstrom, I am such a fan of what you have done the club!
Niko: Oh, so your a fan?

I said nonchalantly, tossing my sports bag onto the floor and leaning against the door frame, which was only three feet taller then me as I am six foot three.

Woman: Yes! I don't know if your in a relationship or anything, but....
Niko: But?
Woman: Would you f:censored: me? I mean, if you are in a relationship it would only be a one night stand, and it would make my dreams come true!
Niko: Well, I am not one to turn down to making dreams a reality!

With that said she jumped up glee, and ran towards me with her mouth in the perfect 'O' position, but she then tripped on my fur carpet, bounced off my plasma television, which fell and broke onto my floor, and backed through my glass door, cutting herself in the process.

Woman: I am blind!

She screamed as she backed further hitting her fine ass onto the rail of the balcony, and then flipped over the rail and fell to her death, failing onto my Fiat Punto that was parked below. In shock and concern of the drive-ability of my car, I rushed to the blacony to see her fine body scattered across the ground.

Niko: Oh no! Not my Faggy Fiat!

And then it sudden realised to me!

Niko: Oh My God! I killed AMC!
Neighbour: You b:censored:!

Another moment passed, which seemed to be a nice silent tribute to the fine-assed woman that laid across the floor, as well as the s:censored:ty car that was crush within the impact, before my neighbour asked.

Neighbour: Who?
Niko: An Amazingly Marvelous Chick.

And so I retired to bed, not wanting to clean the mess that was made, and not thinking about the hot woman I could have been porking away at all night and day.


************************************************** **********************************************
English Conference - Wednesday 29th August 2012
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2012/3 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Luton 4 2 0 0 2 0 2 0 0 5 1 12
2nd Newark 4 2 0 0 5 1 1 1 0 7 4 10
3rd Hereford 4 1 1 0 7 5 2 0 0 6 2 10
4th Telford Utd 4 1 1 0 6 2 1 0 1 2 2 7
5th Woking 4 1 1 0 4 1 1 0 1 2 2 7
6th Kidderminster 4 1 0 1 4 3 1 1 0 5 4 7
7th Barrow 4 1 1 0 4 1 1 0 1 3 5 7
8th Stockport 4 1 0 1 4 4 1 1 0 2 1 7
9th Mansfield 4 1 1 0 2 1 1 0 1 4 5 7
10th Forest Green 4 1 0 1 1 3 1 1 0 4 3 7
11th Cambridge Utd 4 1 0 1 3 3 1 0 1 4 2 6
12th Grimsby 4 1 1 0 5 4 0 2 0 4 4 6
13th Ebbsfleet Utd 4 1 0 1 3 4 1 0 1 2 3 6
14th Wrexham 4 1 1 0 6 3 0 1 1 3 6 5
15th Newport 4 0 1 1 2 3 1 0 1 2 1 4
16th Hyde 4 1 1 0 7 4 0 0 2 2 6 4
17th Braintree 4 1 0 1 4 4 0 1 1 4 5 4
18th Gateshead 4 0 0 2 2 4 1 0 1 3 2 3
19th Macclesfield 4 1 0 1 2 3 0 0 2 0 6 3
20th Alfreton 4 0 0 2 3 8 0 1 1 1 2 1
21st Lincoln 4 0 0 2 1 4 0 0 2 2 5 0
22nd Southport 4 0 0 2 0 4 0 0 2 2 6 0

26-04-13, 02:10 AM
Done first post of the page, updated with brief description what the story is about and links to every update/post i have done about the story. Will add a player list as well as the staff stuff about the club some point tomorrow.

I will also add another update again tomorrow before starting on the Third chapter.

Hopefully this will be worth a nomination for Member of the Month :D

I joke!

Enjoy the chapter, and reply if ya have any feedback to give, like any suggestions for improvement or your general thoughts. Until then, stay tuned for more!!

26-04-13, 09:09 AM
Good stuff mate. Was going to complain about being on the bench and helping to make a 'positive effect' by coming on in the first game but on the bench again in the next. But I'm happy to have then been played in my favourite position on the wing and grabbing my first goal :)

I was going to say, AMC is a girl? :lol:

26-04-13, 09:35 AM
Good stuff mate.
Squad rotation doesn't seem to be affecting the players.

Might walk this division, although I fear there may be a few obstacles put in the way.

26-04-13, 01:10 PM
Cracking start! Shame about the 4-4 which cost me the armband though. I think deep down I knew I didn't have the qualities to be a leader of men :D

KUTGW and keep finding new and novel ways to kill AMC!

Baron Zbimg
26-04-13, 05:48 PM
Amazing start of the season, even though Zbimg is a sub. Play him up front Nikolavski!

27-04-13, 10:58 AM
Very good start for us already.

27-04-13, 02:43 PM

Prime Minister: Niko is in the clear!

Simon Cowell says Niko Bergstrom's “In the Clear”

By Tomas Manly at London
Published: THURSDAY 3Oth AUGUST 2012

The Prime Minister has come out to declare that football manager Niko Bergstrom, 25, is in the clear after in an interview he revealed his past of murdering and causing harm to others along side his managerial adventures in both Finland and Belgium, before coming to England.

After a revealing interview with SkySports, Bergstrom, who is currently managing Blue Square Premier League side Newark Athletic who are second after the first month of the season, detailed a large and extraordinary past in which he explained himself as a changed person as well as killer, believing that he was justified because most the people he killed 'where clones' and that he had a license to kill from a governmental power.

In response form the public outcry that emerged from the new, the Prime Minister, former Television panel judge, Simon Cowell, came out in defence for the twenty-five year old.

“I have spoken to both the Finnish and Belgium leaders who have made sure that Mr Bergstrom indeed was working for them, in a spy occupation. I have gained news that indeed Mr Bergstrom did stop a terrorist faction though the leader of which was in hiding.”

Cowell also said: “But I do warn him that because he is now within the borders of my country, he still has to register like every other citizen within this nation – and that is to publicly perform a song on national television where the citizens can cry at his emotional back story and also having the opportunity to laugh at his bad singing voice.”

With all the negative backlash being aimed at the club that hired Mr Bergstrom without disclosing the knowledge of his horrific background, Newark Athletic Club Representitive Babe Cummings said:

http://img002.lazygirls.info/people/susan_coffey/susan_coffey_susan_coffey_red_glasses_red_white_su _pkFTEhY.sized.jpg

“The club would like to ensure that they had no information residing about the background of Mr Bergstrom, hiring him entirely based upon his accomplishments in the football industry and no information about his personal ordeals outside the occupation that was given to him previously.

The board and myself want to make sure that we support our hiring of Mr Bergstrom, and in now way will this interfere with his handling of the football team in the next couple of football matches ahead.”

And when asked about being a Page 3 model, Babe responded: “I do not want to take such a degrading occupation. I am pleased with my current employment, and I am dumb-founded at the thought that just because my mother was a porn star and legally changed her name for her porn name, even having aspirations of myself going into the 'family business', I see the questions as sexist and vulgar.”

Niko Bergstrom responded to the public outcry, as well as the possibility of Babe Cummings: “It is ridiculous to even think that these people would believe such tripe!”

So it is clear that Mr Bergstrom doesn't seem to like the citizens of England? So why should he stay here! The Sun has now started a campaign against Niko Bergstrom being employed and living in England, join today by selling your soul to Rupert Murdoch!


30-04-13, 09:57 PM
The First Journey
Chapter Three:
Marching On!

After more off-field related stuff interfering with the next month, and with no car after the tragedy that happened to the hot ass and the faggy Fiat I used to own, I was called in by the club to speak with Yermolai and Babe about what was detailed as a 'personal fiasco', which stemmed from the campaign ran by the newspaper (if you could call it that!) The Sun.

Getting a taxi to the stadium, and walking into the board meeting room, I was greeted by both an angry Yermolai...

http://www2.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Ken+Davitian+AFI+FEST+2011+Presented+Audi+7eowjY6q lThl.jpg

And the beautiful Babe, who seemed to be as emotionless and distant as every other time I had spoken or seen her – though I wouldn't mind to see her in my bed sheets!


As soon as I sat to the large oval table, with Yermolai and Babe sitting at the other end, I could sense an atmosphere full of tension, knowing that this wasn't going to be one of our more humorous conversations with one another.

Babe: Niko, as you know there has been a lot of negativity towards the club due to your past experience, which you withheld from the club. We want to ensure that we know all the details of your past, so that they cannot have any more negative prejudice towards the club.

I was dumbfounded, if Yermolai know about Phetrov then surely he must have known the rest of the story?

Niko: I can tell you face-to-face, that I have no skeletons within my closet. I have given all the information about my past in that interview, and I am quite annoyed that the media has once again used myself as a scapegoat!

Yermolai: Nikolavski! Don't lie! We had had a large amount of phone-calls and emails entailing your past, which you have lied about! If you do not speak the truth, then we will terminate this!

Speaking in a normal toned voice, you can tell he was hiding his anger under his breath due to Babe's appearance. You could tell he wasn't talking about 'terminating' my employment, but rather myself.

Niko: My name is Niko Bergstrom, not Nikolavski, or Nikolas, or any other variant. It is just Niko! And I am feeling really annoyed that you believe the media over myself! You want my managerial skills, and I am giving them to you!

Babe: We understand that Niko. But, we want to ensure that after this whole ordeal, we can't expect any more rumours or appearances to interfere with your dedication for your job towards the club. And also, I want to complain about your 'opinion' in me rejecting the offer from the sun to be a Page 3. That is none of your business, and I hope that you keep that in consideration next time, even though there shouldn't be a 'next time'.

I kept quiet, as I secretly imagined her in her underwear waiting for me at my house...


After getting a bollocking from them both, I took a taxi to see a new car, that was said to be awaiting a 'sexy' model for showing me the car. But as soon as I got out of the taxi, my vision died with what I saw!


Niko: Argh! My eyes, they burn!

I quickly pushed the thing over to shield my vision, which made her hit her head on the rock on the ground. As blood soured out of the wound, an even uglier man came out.


Seller: So what do you think of my wife, AMC? and the car? Name's Lee by the way.

He said walking round the car, stopping when he witnessed the corpse on the floor.

Lee: Oh My Gawd! You killed AMC!
Niko: That ugly b:censored:!

I said pointing to the disfigured body on the blood-soaked cement path. In the end I was forced to buy the car, to ensure that he wouldn't call the police, and that he can carry on sleeping with his mistress – which I was shocked to hear about!

But the problem was that the car itself was....


Niko: Not a Faggy Fiat Coupe!

After such a hectic start to the month, I couldn't wait for the next game away against Braintree, and inspired from our last win, I decided not to change any one from the starters against Woking, so the team looked:


Saturday 1st September 2012
English Conference
Braintree v. Newark
(Bailey-Dennis '83)(Wato '45, Ediz '80)
MoM – A. Bailey-Dennis

The lack of changes helped bring a sense of stability to the team, and allowing the team to perform once again. The start of the game was very split, with each defence being alert to the attacks and stopping each attack, But thankfully, Hemphill took a free kick which was headed down by right-back Hernandez which fell perfectly for the on pursuing Wato who lashed the ball with his right foot into the back of the net in stoppage time, and giving us the lead at the end of the first half. Feeling like we didn't need a change, we charged on into the second half, with more attacks but it wasn't able to click till the 80th minute when a Henderson cross was headed in by the man in form Volkan Ediz, who once gain showed his worth for being the star striker for the team. Unfortunealty, due to some errors of Hernandez, Ryan Petters cross flew into our box which was superbly volleyed into the back of the net by Man of the Match defender Bailey-Dennis on the 83rd minute, meaning we had lost the opportunity of a clean sheet.

The fans was pleased once again with the result, despite with the home fans support for the stupid 'Sun campaign' with banners and chants aimed at myself, which I felt made the team spur on more, with the total seven other games within the month. For the next game, I decided to rotate the lone striker role once more with the deadly finisher Kowalinho up-front, making the team nearly identically the same:


Monday 3rd September 2012
English Conference
Newark v. Newport
(Van der Voom '90)
MoM – A. Julian

Denied by an amazing performance from the Man of the Match goalkeeper Julian, we were kept at bay all the way through, with our own complancey costing us by missing the target or Julian saving like Spiderman and jumping around to save any shots on targt we had for the first half of the match. With only one change, Zannit off for Van der Voom, we went with a more attacking threat, with nice link-up play between Kowalinho and Van der Voom, even though it wasn't able to get a goal. Fortunately, tired legs cost Newport the three points as Van der Voom pounced on a mistake by right-back David Pipe, allowing Wato to take a shot on target which was saved by Julian but was blasted into the top corner on the rebound by Van der Voom in the 90th minute, sealing another win under our belt and another great decision by myself.

The fans went wild as we continued to establish ourselves as title contenders.


With a much needed five day break until the next game against rivals Mansfield, I decided to get some tactical advice from my coaches. They started to discuss about not having the second striker run behind the lone-striker as it would give the opposition the opportunity to counter attack, and if we were against a more deadlier could be a real problem – taking there advice, I decided to test out the latest tactic in the next game, seeing how the theory would work and making the decision if the tactic would stick, based on the decision.


Inspired by the recent run of form, and seeing that the team would perfectly suit the new role, especially Zannit who looked perfect to suit that advanced play-maker esque position, I chose the same team that narrowly won against Newport, hoping that I would get more of an idea who would be involved in the first eleven as other spots would be rotated.


Mansfield, who was odd on to be a mid-table team for the season, had form which seemed to represent that, and something which I hoped we could take advantage of!

Saturday 8th September 2012
Enlgish Conference
Mansfield v. Newark
MoM – G. Pilkington

A disappointing bore draw, in which the whole highlight of the game was us having two shots on target of the goal. Mansfield went into the game for the one point and they got it, going defensive from the get go, which made us nervous and unable to break down there attacks. No matter how much cursing I did on the side lines, the team's performance didn't improve and in the end – the home team got what they were seeking for.

After the game, the bus was silent as the coaches looked straight out of the windows trying to ignore the eyes that were set heavy on them by me. But in the end, it was my fault. I wanted to trust them, against my bitter judgement, and even though I had hoped a win over the local rivals, a draw did us good – maybe my perfectionism was getting in the way of my judgement? Or, maybe I was getting to cocky?

The draw, even though didn't nerve the players, seemed to kick me up the back-side, and warned me not to be too underestimated in terms of the other teams. When we arrived at the stadium, there stood one person who stemmed out from the roaring fans who was chanting my name: Babe Cummings.


Babe: Niko, if you would like to follow me! We have someone waiting for you in the boardroom, someone who says they is a good friend of yours?

Niko: Can you please narrow that done?

Babe: Yes, they also gave me something that they said would help 'identify' them.

She then went into her purse and threw an object at me, I caught it and as I saw what was in my hand, my eyes went wide open!

Niko: It can't be!


30-04-13, 10:00 PM
A short one, but the last one of April, hope to add more for the first one of May ;)

Hope you enjoy!

30-04-13, 10:35 PM
Good stuff Zan.

01-05-13, 11:41 AM
So, i'm still looking for my girl :(

01-05-13, 04:28 PM
So, i'm still looking for my girl :(

Got some storylines that are planned for the future.

Let's say that some players might be getting some more time. Need to establish a proper starting eleven, etc. first so that i can write in their perspective of how the club is run and stuff. Got one player storyline planned nicely. Just gotta wait a little bit longer ;)

After all, maybe the girl of your dreams is right under your nose?

Baron Zbimg
01-05-13, 11:55 PM
What must I do to get a game ? Tell me and I'll do it. I'm that desperate ...

02-05-13, 01:21 PM
What must I do to get a game ? Tell me and I'll do it. I'm that desperate ...

Resolved in the next update, also remember there is strikers that are scoring goals for fun! So it is hard to choose who to drop because of the ratio of goals return by each striker. Zbimg doesn't really have any worries, believe me. In the next update you'll see ;)

Baron Zbimg
02-05-13, 05:06 PM
Thank you Nikolavski!!

03-05-13, 01:06 PM
Thank you Nikolavski!!

That will get you dropped for another 2 months :D

Great write-ups Zan, love this story already!

07-05-13, 12:53 PM
Just caught up. Doesn't sound as if I missed much :bored: and I always did have suspicions about AMC and his handbags.

Just getting more comfortable after removing that splinter from my bum.

18-05-13, 07:23 AM
The First Journey
Chapter Three:
Marching On!

It had nearly two years since I had seen her, since she had gone off to be a monk and taken our son. My first love, and sometimes what I question: my last since true relationship. I looked firmly at the 'gift' she gave me:


It was clear that once I would enter that room, I would no longer need to have alone time with my shower. But as I followed the seductive site of Babe's ass, which allured dark and sexual thoughts, she stopped outside the door and turned back round, and looked at me.


Her hazel eyes stared at my chest, and she felt somewhat sad.

Babe: She is waiting in there...

Her voice sounded strangely pained as she hurried off, not letting me thanking her. I shook off my thoughts that maybe there was something, and entered the room, in which they she sat.


Cerina Relikovic, my childhood friend turned mother of my son, who didn't look that thrilled to see me. She didn't acknowledge me, she just sat there staring at the blue carpet.

Niko: Nice to see you again Cerina!

I said approaching her, before seeing something rather alarming thought. There sat on the floor of her feet was...


Empty jars of Nutella, I quickly opened the case noticing that the CD itself was there. Somewhat reassured that maybe bad influences, I walked over and sat next to her.

Niko: Long time no see, how are you Cerina? Looks like you didn't shave your hair off then.

I joked as the still silent Cerina looked down on the floor, something was definitely up, as just when I was about to ask, another blast from the past walked in.


Eejit: Long time no see Niko!
Niko: Theodore?
Eejit: Come on, be more nice to your old friend!

He said smiling, with an piPod in his hands – I looked over to Cerina who smiled somewhat awkwardly, so they did.....

Niko: So what's up?
Eejit: You know nothing much, marmalade and Nutella prices are so expensive in the United Kingdom!
Niko: Right...
Eejit: Anyway, heard about you stepping into the game again, awesome news! You married yet?

I shook my head, as Cerina turned away.

Eejit: Awesome! The lads are back together again!!

He screamed, as if he was announcing a formidable duo had gained back together.

Eejit: Right let's get to business! You know that Yermolai knows about Phetrov, and that he is related to Cerina right?
Niko: I didn't know they were related? But I did know about the Phetrov thing, you could have sent me a text or something!
Eejit: Yeah, yeah. Technology is so advanced. I remember when the piPhone 1 came out, now there is piPhone 86 coming out next week! It's getting really money worthy now!
Niko: Yeah, and your here because?
Eejit: Well, I want to try and ease some of the pressure!
Niko: Does it mean killing someone and replace him with a clone? Or an orgy party? Or an organisation trying to kill me? Or another frigging Midget trying to kill me?
Eejit: Not really. Just using the family connection to, you know, ease the pressure. Oh, and blanking his mind so he has no knowledge of it.
Niko: Really, how?
Eejit: With this guy!

And then a man entered the room with fireworks being hit off and the room splitting into a stage.


Guy: YO! I am the Dreaminator,
The hated woman-beater,
Flipping up hams like a chef,
F:censored:ing women like Hef,
A one night stand master,
Blanking their minds with my plastic blaster,
Dressed in black because I look good,
Making money like I should,
Investor, robber and money changer,
- Noun don't matter -
Because in the end I’ll blast ya!

The slick rapper who wasn't dressed in a black suit, then swagged his way over to the table where me, Eejit – who was clapping like a groupie – and Cerina was at.

Dreaminator: Yo, peeps! Did ya check out that entrance? Was just like me – coool – cool with an extra 'O'!
Eejit: Awesome dude!
Dreaminator: Good, cause I ain't wearing this crap no more!

He said, pulling off his clothes to reveal himself in a...


...a black suit.

After the entrance, we all sat down and started to discuss the plan. Basically, the idea was to wait for Christmas, and give Yermolai the gift from Cerina as a Christmas present, someone who he would trust, but the gift would actually be the 'Dreaminator', who would then blank his mind. Of course that meant I would have to wait nearly three more months, but in the end it would mean something off my back. Till then Eejit and Cerina will be living in Newark with my son, Martin, in the same apartment block, meaning I might be interacting with them more in the future.

After getting the someone anti-climatic opportunity of my Golden duck, I walked out of the stadium with only one thought – when will I get laid!!

As I got back home, I was shocked by the site that awaited me...


Niko: Babe. What are you-

But before I could finish, she had put her finger on my lips, and sh-ed me. Moving her gorgeous mouth towards my ear, and whispering.

Babe: This is only for fun – a recreational relationship and nothing more, okay?

I nodded back, as her smile etched onto her face and she dragged me into the bedroom. And finally, fireworks went off!!


With my personal life feeling a lot better, I decided that the best to do for the football club's next game would be to ignore the advice I was sought and taken from my coaching staff, and went back to the same tactic I used before the Mansfield game, but with the same team – to allow the same players another chance to impress me enough before rotating the squad once more:


But before we got into the dressing room, I was taken aside by striker Lorenzo Zbimg, who seem displeased about his playing chances.

Zbimg: Boss, I am displeased that I haven't been able to get some playing time. I mean, I try my hardest in training and I am eager to make an impression and all, but I feel that you have ignored me completely! Henrik is on the bench and Ediz is playing up-front, in a solo striker role. I just want to be given a chance, boss.
Niko: I understand how you feel Lorenzo, but you have to trust me. I know, if we get a result today, I’ll change the tactics so that you can play alongside Ediz, who has been scoring so frequently, alright? It's that Van der Voom and Kowalinho are versatile enough to be able to play on the wings if something happens to the wingers, and also up-front. Van der Voom has also been more alert in front of goal off the bench, as well as in training.
Zbimg: Okay boss. I'll be watching from the stands, hoping that we win! C'mon Fearless Warriors!

Inspired by his spirit, and from the frequent 'visits' I was getting from Babe, I was determined to be more open with changes – maybe playing in a 4-4-2 will allow us to have an advantage?

Tuesday 11th September 2012
English Conference
Newark v. Stockport
(Ediz '5 '39, Wato '13)(Turnbull pen 21, Darkwah '23)
O'Toibin sent off 21
MoM – V. Ediz

It was going so well until O'Toibin got sent off, we had control and the team looked set for a good thrashing against the away side, with Clayton's perfectly timed through ball finding the feet of starman Ediz who finished sweetly on the 5th minute, for his fifth goal of the season. Which was added by a brilliant lob by Zannit, which was latched from good hold up play by the Man of the Match, which found it's way over Stockport's Lewis King, and fell beautifully to Wato's feet who simply passed it into the back of the net.

But the momentum changed when the back-tracking O'Toibin did a reckless two footed challenge into Turnbull as was shown red on the 21st minute, earning the unlikely goalscoring Stockport a penalty. Turnbull stood up confidently, and smashed it straight into the back of the net. After the sending off, I told Wato to go deeper into midfield to help support Clayton in the center of the field, and told Hemphill to play alongside Zannit behind Ediz, hoping it would allow us to cause some more options in counter attack, but the plan backfired and Stockport pulled one back through Darkwah on the 23rd minute, which him having enough room to pitch a tent in our defence. Luckily, Ediz was determined enough to pounce on a mistake from the away defence, and earned himself the Man of the Match accolade and his sixth goal on the 39th minute. For the second half it was simple – defend, defend, defend – which we were able to do, blocking any chances Stockport gave, with some decent blocks from the centre backs, and saves from Canadian Shepard, allowing to steal the three points.

The fans applauded the lads, though I was fuming at O'Toibin, who accepted his warning and looked certain to impress me in the next game.


Keeping to my words, I changed the tactic to a more safe attacking 4-4-2, with Wato running forward and Clayton being the heart of the midfield. The only exception was the inclusion of left-footed Zbimg partnering Ediz up-front, which I hoped would be able to form a deadly partnership:


The lads seemed determine to wipe the floor and continue our good streak away to Kidderminster.

Saturday 15th September 2012
English Conference
Kidderminster v. Newark
(Shakes '63)(Ediz '10, O'Toibin '47, Zbimg '57)
MoM – E. Wato

After two determined players trying to make an impression they just did that! With the partnership showing a vibe of the Sutton-Shearer mechanics, with the game being back and forth in the first ten minutes, until Wato found Hemphill who lobbed it over to Ediz who cooly finished it for his 3rd goal in 2 games. The rest of the half was the display of the partnership, with Zbimg opening chances for Ediz, and Ediz coming close to sealing a brace, but it wasn't till the second half when the second half, when Zbimg found the charging O'Toibin whose first touch was excellent, and was cooly topped off with a spinning volley into the back of the next. Then, Man of the Match Wato chipped the ball forward for the brilliant Zbimg whose powerful header sealed the win ten minutes later. For the rest of the game, Kidderminster tried there hardest to get back into the game, with Shakes about to finish on a mistake by Shepard on the 63rd minute, but the game was over and we took another win.

Not wanting to jinx the next game, I decided not to change the team in hope that maybe we would be able to keep up the same performance in our Home game against fellow title contenders Grimsby.


Saturday 22nd September 2012
English Conference
Newark v. Grimsby
(Ediz '18)(Disley pen 14)
Man of the Match – Shepard

As expected it was a tight game which went down by the goalkeeping skills by both oppositions, which fortunately we had the better of. Shepard stood up to the task and constantly denied Grimsby throughout the game, with O'Toibin, who was once again determined to right his mistake, crossing the ball from the left and a beautiful bicycle kick from Ediz scored on the 18th minute, to try and keep us in the game from an unfair penalty given to Grimsby in the 14th minute in which Disley was able to score his fifth of the season. The second half was anticlimactic, and was about the aerobatics and reactions of our young keeper who was able to help us salvage a point.

For the next home game against Gateshead, with fitness being a problem and complacency, I decided to make some changes. Wato would replace Hemphill on the right side of midfield who dropped to the bench, with Zannit replacing the banned O'Toibin on the left. Van der Voom replaced the tired Zbimg who was able to be on the bench, Sulonen replaced Wato in midfield as The Eejit replaced the dire Clayton who was awful against Grimsby. BobMem was named captain, as he is my vice-captain in the squad for the season:


Tuesday 25th September 2012
English Conference
Newark v. Gateshead
(Hatch '3)

Another game of the test of the goalkeepers abilities, which was unfortunate as Gateshead was able to steal a quick lead through Hatch, in which made them park the bus for the rest of the game. The lads didn't seem as motivated with the change of mentality, and despite the three changes throughout the second half: Wato off for Hemphill, the forced change of Hoolihan who had to go off with a stubbed toe for Henderson who played at left back, and Zbimg for Ediz – we couldn't break down the defence clearly enough to steal a point.

Dissapointed, I decided to call a team meeting with the frustrated strikers, and Vasily who just seemed to follow along. We sat at the cafeteria of the training facility.


How they could afford a StubWays but not an officer for me, I couldn't understand, but I had other worries concerning me.

Niko: Right lads, I want to know what is f:censored:ing up your concentration? And, why the f:censored: is Artur here?
Vasily: I thought Mr. Relikovic would be here too. But, I also think that I should play some more.
Niko: I would if you stopped dissappearing everytime I come to watch you at the training ground! And Kowalinho, what has happened to you? During preseason training you were a deadly machine in the game drills! But know, you seem depressed and mopy, what the f:censored: is wrong with you?
Kowalinho: I cannot find her!!

He screamed out in tears, as a passing waitress walked by, which made him shoot up.


Kowalinho: Excuse madam, I am wondering if you have been on a plane in the past three months?
Waitress: What?
Kowalinho: You see I had a dream about a girl, no, I saw this girl that made me fall out of love. No... I mean into love.
Waitress: What are you on about?!
Kowalinho: Do you want to shag me?
Waitress: WHAT!!!?

Well, that was straight to the point...

Kowalinho: No I mean, are you my dream girl from the airport?
Waitress: Look, pervert, I haven't been on a plane EVER! I haven't been on holiday in a foreign land.
Kowalinho: Do...You want to test it with me?
Waitress: What?!
Kowalinho: I mean, I am a professional footballer for Newark Athletic, and I can score lots of goals – so do you want to score with me?
Waitress: NO!

Denied. So badly.

Kowalinho: Okay then. Sorry for disturbing you.

He said disappointingly, like he had any shot on getting her. Whimpering, Kowalinho walked slowly, he kicked the floor in anger, which included one specific item...


The can went flying into the air, bounced off the wall due to the power, and went flying out of StubWays and towards MacDowell's, heading straight into the throat of AMC, the Spanish janitor, where it flew straight into his throat, lodged deep down. Suffocating, he backed away from his mop and bucket, which was spilled everywhere. He walked backwards over the counter of MacDowell's, and straight into the deep fat fry, which was more like a jacuzzi. As his head hit the back of the side of the metallic jacuzzi deep fat fryer, the can unlodged and went flying towards again, as Andreas Monteal-Cliche burned away in the fat holding his fist open with a thumbs up before it disintegrated into the heat.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Kowalinho killed AMC!
Vasily: Skilled b:censored!

But it wasn't over yet, as the can travelled towards the agitated Zbimg, who kicked the can into the air and then volleyed it toward the ceiling of Burger Spit, in which it was split into shards, showering down onto the Animated Microchipped Chimp who worked as the cashier, tearing the poor monkey into a bloody puddle.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Zbimg killed AMC!
Vasily: Unreal b:censored:!

BUT THAT WASN'T ALL! As near the entrance which was through MacDowell's, one of my enemies was entering the cafeteria.



He saw me and ran, well more like stumped over as fast as his little legs could go, towards me, not paying attention to the wet floor that was left from the janitors death just moments before. The little guy slipped and slid across the cross, passing by me, and through the automated doors and flying into the car park, where a large explosion was heard. Running towards the doors I was happy!

Niko: Oh My Gawd! AMC killed AMC!
Vasily: Illogical b:censored:!

But then I noticed the car which exploded from the collision.


Niko: Not my Faggy Fiat!! Again!
Zbimg: You don't really have luck with cars do you boss?
Niko: No, now Kowalinho. You have shown me your skill your on the bench for the Wrexham game. Ediz, you will start as usual, and because you can't speak anything but idioms, shut up! And Zbimg, I expect the same amount of procession from that kick of that can in the game.
All: Yes Boss!

For the game, I reinstated Hemphill on the right, Henderson on the left, Liam replacing the injured Hoolihan and Kowalinho made the bench, in which I hoped to be able to sub him on for the second half, depending on the result at half-time of course:


Saturday 29th September 2012
English Conference
Newark v. Wrexham
(Zbimg '10 '26 '45 '66 '90)(Keates '51)
MoM – L. Zbimg

What the f:censored:!!!!!

Coming into the game, I thought the worse, but the excellence of Zbimg came out and his determination shown throw with him scoring ALL FIVE GOALS!! Four of which was assisted by Hemphill, who showed his compassion, passionate and amazing ability. The first goal was pure skill, as he picked the ball up at 45 yards and passed two defenders before thrashing the ball into the net just 10 minutes into the half! Then, a brillaint floating cross from Hemphill found Zbimg's head and made it a brace, with only 26 minutes played. Just on the brink of half-time, a brilliantly timed pass from Hemphill with a brilliantly timed run made it a hat-trick on 45 minutes.

And the funny thing? I was about to substitute him for Kowalinho when....


Niko: Where's Kowalinho gone?

The rest of the subs shrug their shoulders, as static soon comes from the PA system.

Kowalinho: Hello Newark Athletic fans, my name is Kowalinho and I am a striker for the club. I mean, I am here on the PA trying to find the girl to sleep with. I mean, the girl who I dream to sleep with, I mean the dream girl I want to marry with, or just shag.

The brutual direct honesty....

Kowalinho: I know I am bad at words, but I feel that this song will some up my feelings up about finding you it. I mean he, I mean she, I mean the woman I saw at the airport with the sweet ass!

Soon there was sweet silence before the most dreaded song in the world....


PA: Never gonna give you up!
Niko: Ah s:censored: I hope Cerina isn't here!

But there was bigger worries as on the away stand I witnessed something horrific.


Indiana Wannabe: I am being publicly Rick roll'd? Time for you all to be Indiana Roll'd!

And at that point he grabbed his whip and pulled a piece of wood, in which revealed a horrifying weapon of Mass Destruction.


The boulder rolled down the slope with the crazed ran riding it, laughing as it crushed the on-rushing crowd, A Massive Crowd. Soon the green coloured stand of people's Wrexham away shirts, soon started to turn to paint red.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Rick Astley killed AMC!
Eejit in Home Stand: That b:censored:!

After a brief second.

Niko: Ah, well it was the away support.

After that, I decided to leave Kowalinho to his own devices, in which Wrexham was able to score one back on the 51st minute, though there was no cheering due to the abscene of Wrexham fans alive in the stadium – though the crazed fan seemed to celebrate by playing pinball onto the stand for some reason. Zbimg once again connected with Hemphill, as he headed in his fourth of the game from a corner of the 66th minute, which was once again added by a fifth after he volleyed into the net from a far cross from Hemphill just before the end of the game. This meaning that despite coming into the game with one goal under his belt, he was now the second top goalscorer of the season after Ediz scored 8, but not far off with 6 so far this season.

With the end of the month approaching, I was on my way back to the stadium when I received a text from Babe:

Meet me at yours in five, got a suprise for you! Xx

I rushed home, telling the taxi to take me as fast as he could, getting ready for my surprise present from Babe. In which I wasn't disappointed when I arrived home.


Babe: Niko! What took you so long? I thought we would have to begin without you.
Niko: Now that wouldn't be any fun now, would it?
Babe: Well, maybe not for you....

I think I might fall in love with this woman.....

================================================== ==============================================
2012/13 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Hereford 12 3 2 1 15 13 6 0 0 17 6 29
2nd Newark 12 5 1 1 15 6 3 2 0 12 6 27
3rd Forest Green 12 3 1 2 5 5 5 1 0 11 4 26
4th Grimsby 12 5 1 0 13 5 1 4 1 8 8 23
5th Luton 12 2 1 3 4 7 5 0 1 16 9 22
6th Newport 12 3 2 1 7 3 3 0 3 6 4 20
7th Woking 12 2 2 1 7 4 3 2 2 9 9 19
8th Stockport 12 3 0 3 11 10 2 3 1 10 9 18
9th Kidderminster 12 2 0 4 8 10 3 3 0 12 8 18
10th Barrow 12 3 2 1 10 5 2 1 3 8 11 18
11th Mansfield 12 2 2 2 6 6 3 0 3 10 11 17
12th Telford Utd 12 1 2 3 11 10 3 1 2 6 6 15
13th Cambridge Utd 12 2 0 4 9 13 2 3 1 6 3 15
14th Ebbsfleet Utd 12 2 3 1 5 5 2 0 4 8 12 15
15th Gateshead 12 1 1 4 9 13 3 0 3 7 7 13
16th Lincoln 12 2 0 4 7 9 2 1 3 7 10 13
17th Wrexham 12 2 3 1 11 9 1 1 4 7 16 13
18th Braintree 12 2 1 3 9 10 1 2 3 12 14 12
19th Hyde 12 2 2 2 15 13 1 0 5 5 13 11
20th Southport 12 1 0 5 5 10 2 1 3 11 11 10
21st Macclesfield 12 2 1 3 12 12 0 2 4 2 12 9
22nd Alfreton 12 1 1 4 6 14 0 1 5 2 11 5

18-05-13, 09:20 AM
Looks like you have 3 wanting to get on top ..... and the league is the same Arf ! Arf ! :sorry:

Trying to take in all that went on there, but most noticeably ... return me to the starting 11 and we win 5-1 .... I hope the gaffer spotted that too.

Now where is my Rick Astley Greatest Hit single ?

Baron Zbimg
18-05-13, 03:31 PM
Well, I didn't expect to be THAT good! Another epic update, I think Newark is going to crush souls in this league!

18-05-13, 03:36 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Great chapter :D But i dont think that she was a waitress ;)

She was a bit younger that one on picture ;)

And i'm a bit upset for not being even on the bench for 4 matches :(

18-05-13, 03:42 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Great chapter :D But i dont think that she was a waitress ;)

She was a bit younger that one on picture ;)

And i'm a bit upset for not being even on the bench for 4 matches :(

you are on a quest :D

18-05-13, 03:44 PM
Well, I didn't expect to be THAT good! Another epic update, I think Newark is going to crush souls in this league!

Ok, you will crush league and i will crush some(one)thing ;) (Hope that i will do this before niko find her out ;)

19-05-13, 11:25 AM
Same here, Eejit, I was benched until that 5-1 game :D

Good read, bit mad as usual but I enjoyed it :D

20-05-13, 04:27 PM
I'd just like to point out that for the second time you gave me the captain's armband we lost. I'm not leadership material I tell ya!!

Great write-ups, I have to flick past some of the pics when viewing this at work though.


28-05-13, 10:05 PM
The First Journey
Chapter Four:
Change is for the Better

After finally being able to find a constant source of sexual enjoyment in my personal life, and finding somewhat success on the amount of attempts on my life recently, it seemed that maybe I was able to settle into the lifestyle of being in Newark quite well, until I got a random phone from a very important person.


Niko: Hello, this is Niko-
Caller: Nikolavski Bergstrom, yes I know. I am Simon Cowell, the man with the high trousers and the perfect woolly jumper from the Television? I am also the Prime Minister of Great Britain, and second-in-command of the Disnae fascist army-

As I heard him say that, I was also faintly able to hear a yelled voice in the background.

Background: Second-to-the-second-in-command!
Cowell: I mean, I am the second-to-the-second-in-command, in which means that I am pretty important on our war on riding the threat of 'independence' and 'not ridiculing people'. Disnae is ready for the right to make people laugh at people because thay are talentless freaks! And Mr Nikolavski, you are being called in for.
Niko: And what would happen if it reject this whole stupid thing?
Cowell: We will get you sacked, kicked out of the country, kill any idolised pop singers you fantasise of one day sleeping with, and then chop off your genitals and feed them to Louis Walsh.
Niko: So I don't have any choice in this, do I?
Cowell: Nope.

Hanging up the phone in aggression, in which my index finger was pointing towards the far wall of my apartment as I pressed the hang-up button, but I was too angry to feel the pain of my broken bone. I walked out of the room, heading for the stadium for the first match of the month – hoping that a good thrashing would help ease my pain, literally!

With the drawing of the FA Cup Qualifying round being out a couple of days ago, in the 3rd to be precise, in which we was told that we would be playing:


Truro City, a non-league side which had once a lot of potential to rise in our division but wasn't able to due to financial stability – and because they were crap. For this I decided to put a bet on us against Babe, that if there was six goals then I would get another visit and I would have anything I wanted for desert! But before the sexual shenanigans, I decided that with the game against Truro in mind, I would rotate most of the players with the two games, to test how the other players might react with the new playing system, but for the away game against Ebbsfleet, I decided to use the same selection as the last game:


There was a lot of enthusiasm running through the away fans, as they hoped for another thrashing to maintain us being contenders for the title, which ran all the way through the players. As we entered the stadium, the cheering fans was awaiting outside the bus, but when I say fans, I meant just a small group...


They seemed happy and cheerful, especially with the goalscorer of the last game Lorenzo Zbimg, which they rehearsed there own chant for.

Fans: Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo,
Italian like a Ferrari Enzo,
Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo,
Like my nanny he can sew!
Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo,
Like a cheetah, fast as he go!
Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo,
Should have chosen him earlier Nikoooo!

The extensively long chant seemed to make the fans opinions clear, they liked Lorenzo and they didn't like that they had to wait so long for him to be shown to them, despite the fact that Lorenzo has played four games prior, including preseason. Before the game, myself and Lorenzo was award with the awards we had earned for September, I was named Manager of the Month and Lorenzo as Player, it was a nice reception from both fans as we accept the awards, but I had to make sure that both of our minds was still on the game!


Saturday 6th October 2012
English Conference
Ebbsfleet Utd v. Newark
(Ada '1)(Ediz '83)
MoM – L. Menz

A shocking result in terms of us, where the home side peaked ahead after Henderson gave a free-kick, which was taken beautifully by Blake, headed down by Barret and clinched by the on-suing Arda to seal the first goal of the game after just seconds played. For virtually the rest of the game, Ebbsfleet turned into ultra-defence ready to ensure that they would take away something from the game, playing off the counter for the next 20 mins they controlled the game, and the lads just didn't seem able to click themselves into what was happening!


Every time we had the ball, and ready for the attack, we would misplace the ball and gift the home side another opportunity. We were able to get some shots on target, with the build up play off Sulonen and the two forwards, but the Man of the Match Menz was there to save it, or watched laughably to see it go past his post. At half-time I told the lads to be more clinical with the chances they had started to make at the end of the half, as well as being more polished in their passing to ensure that we could have that one opportunity. I also spoke to Zbimg, whom had a lot of pressure on his shoulders to step up and be the main man with the crowd chanting, I was about to substitute him for Kowalinho, but he reassured me that he would be able to add more to his game.


We exited from the tunnel, and finally we started to play! The marching forward Baz skilled past Ada, and shot a powerful and fierce ball towards goal, denied only by a push away from Menz. It seemed determine for us to lose this one. On the 54th minute, Zbimg held up the ball for Ediz, and then lobbed it over the last defender – he volleyed it into the top corner, myself on the edge of my seat watched as it hit the crossbar and over. We were attacking and attacking, and when come the 70th minute I subsituted the more defensive Eejit for Clayton, hoping his passing and vision could help add more to the attack which it didn't. I was losing hope until seven minutes till the end of the game, Zbimg who was deeper then normal did a marvellous cross over to Hemphill on the right wing, who in return dribbled past the left back, and put in a low cross into the box which was found by the boot of the charging Ediz who flung to the ground to ensure he was able to poke the ball past Menz and into the back of the net! 1-1! We was finally able to get the goal, and earn a well deserved point!

But there was no time to be indulging into the game, as soon as the game was over, I had to ensure that my mind was fully on the task of the Qualifying Round of the FA Cup, which I hope we would be able to garner a small cash-cow from via the gates of the games, hoping we would be able to get through enough rounds to get big named clubs at the stadium – making more funds available for the end of the season, when ultimately, the team would be like a new team with half of the players leaving for bigger clubs – some of which had already started calling for some, but had been rejected due to the fact I wouldn't be able to sign any replacements for them this year.

For the game, I decided that after a gruelling last two matches to rest Zbimg, having shown me enough to warrant a first team accolade, as well as bringing back the unsuspended O'Toibin showing great determination in training to warrant a start, with Henderson dropping to the bench to replace Zannit whose fitness had been appalling! Eejit kept his place in the team, after outshining his replacement in the last game, showing that I can make mistakes, making the team look like this for the game against the non-league Truro City at home:


The attendance was over 2,330 which was a lot lower then the 7,207 that came to see the club in the last home game, or the 'Zbimg Final' as some fans called it – despite it not really being a final of any sort!!

English FA Cup Qualifying Round
Saturday 13th October 2012
Newark v. Truro
(Sulonen '38, Van der Voom '43 '74, Hemphill '45, Wato '67)(Gritton '33)
MoM – F. Hemphill

A spectacular comeback which was added with flair and just plain brilliance, Van der Voom was determined to cause me head aches, and he has! Despite the tremendous amount of attacking display, in which we had 18 shots on target, it was the away side who took the unlikely lead, with Scottish striker Martin Gritton heading in from Afful's cross on the 33rd minute, but the lead didn't last long as a corner from Captain and Man of the Match Hemphill was found by the head of Sulonen five minutes after. Hemphill was involved once again another five minutes later when his cross was found by the head of Ediz, who settled it perfect for his striker partner Van der Voom, who scored his fourth of the season. Then just before the end of the first half, it was Hemphill's turn to score as Van der Voom's pass was found by his feet, in which he driblled past his marker and scored a cracker – 3-1, at the end of the first half!


For the second half, only one change was made Sulonen off and Wato on, which it only took him 22 minutes until he found the net, pouncing off a rebound of a Van der Voom shot and make it 4-1, scoring his fourth in the process. The crowd was going mental! And it got even more mental after Hemphill's lob fed in the in-form striker Van der Voom on the 74th minute to seal it with a volley into the top corner and scoring his fifth of the season! It was a superb performance, and a second time that we had been involved with a six goal thriller, though the test from the opposition was weak at best.

The next day, we found out who we would face in the next round:


MK Dons, a team which have had a lot of success in getting up to the second division of the league, or League One, and who were chasing for promotion into the Championship. A team which I think would be a good start to test the team's chemistry as well as integrity they had built. It would be interesting on how good the lads would do, but before the last game of the month I had to do the stupid talentless competition.


I walked onto the stage with the audience jeering at me, showing how brainwashed they was under the thumb of 'Prime Minister' Cowell, with a guitar in my hand he stared at me with his little puppets alongside him.


Louis Walsh looked like a stupid old dog, wearing a collar around his neck and a t-shirt saying 'I Once Managed West Life, and Was A Credible As Well As Reputated Person Within the Industry', making me feel phyiscally ill.

Cowell: Well, Mr Nikolavski Bergstrom, your here in front of the millions of British public, who will judge you on your talents and your depressing back story.

As he said his nostrils snarled.

Cowell: Yes, the more tragic, the better!

He screamed, banging his fist onto the desk as he bit his lip. All these responses seemed more sexual then anything....

Cowell: So, Niko, why don't you tell the British public about your childhood with your parents? Were they around much?

He said, grabbing a box of Kleenex and what looked like some kind of form of Lube.

Niko: Ah, well no they weren't.

All the audience 'ah'ed at me, as if I needed there sympathy.

Niko: Look, can we get this charade over and done with?
Cowell: Why, it is apart of the process of the whole initiation process!
Niko: Really?

He nodded, putting on some latex gloves. I sighed as I started to explain my life story to the millions, who all cried and called me a hero. And finally I was able to finish, as did someone else it seemed.

Cowell: I can't believe a ghost chose this exact moment in time to leave it's white creamy ghost placenta on me and Louis!
Niko: Yeah, right..... Anyway can I just perform now?
Cowell: Of course!

I grabbed the guitar, and strummed it to make sure it was tuned – it had been a while since I had played the instrument, it was like a relic of something that I wasn't meant to be and this was my one last swansong before I bowed out completely.

Niko: Okay, this one is a cover of a famous song by a suave guy named Chris Isaak, and it dedicated to-

But before I was able to finish, the whole room shook.

Niko: Anyway, I was about to say, I am dedicating this too-

And then it shook once more.

Niko: OKAY! Right, I am dedicating this f:censored:ing performance to-!

And once more it shook, but this time a large crack appeared at the wall, and before I can say anything a large green nose came through the wall, and the nose belong to....


Japanese: Oh! My gawd! It's GODZIRRA!!!

It was the actual mythological beast himself, but why was it here? As the crowd ran out of the exit as fast as they could, the falling debris keept crushing crushing down as the beast entered the room, and there on the back of him, riding him like some kind of dog he was going to have for dinner was.


Niko: Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Don't worry, Nikoravski! Ring-Ring saved the day!

He said as another person in the audience grabbed his phone.

Audience: Hello? This is AMC? Huh, I am sure I heard a 'ring-ring', I thought it was my phone!
Ling-Ling: Ha! Very funneh! Godzirra, eat that raciar b:censored:!

And on command the beast ate the man up, completely swalling him up.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Godzirra killed AMC!

I shouted towards the green monster, before it starts to cough.

Godzilla: *cough*

And soon it hurled up the man, wet and with a confused look on his face.

AMC: That green and slimy b:censored:.

He mumbled walking towards the exit, as a large trail of spit followed him.

Ling-Ling: Nikoravski! Forrow me if you want to rive!
Niko: No.
Ling-Ling: Okay den!

He said, turning round his beast vehicle and crushing into another wall, leaving two massive Godzilla like shaped holes in each wall. After a few moments of silence, the 'Prime Minister' spoke.

Cowell: Well, I think that is enough for today, here is your stamped letter of approval.

He said passing me a letter.

Cowell: And now leave us alone – my nipples are starting to chaff against this damp jumper. Louis, come here and lick it clean!

I ran out of the building as fast as I could, not wanting to witness what was about to happen.

After that was done and sealed, my intentions soon turned towards the last game of the month, in which I decided that maybe we should convert the team to another tactic, so that we would be able to adapt to each of the team members strength, while still having the same attacking style that we have had so far this season. For this, I replaced Sulonen for Wato, and made him the solo midfielder in the centre of the pitch, attacking forward – with Eejit sitting infront of the defender to help break down the attacks. The wingers and full-backs would keep doing there same attacking intention as before. Team wise, only one change was made for Sulonen off and Wato on, with Vasily sitting on the bench and Zbimg having another rest. The team looked like this:


English Conference
Saturday 27th October 2012
Newark vs. Telford
(Wato '5, Ediz '36, Hemphill '61)
MoM – E. Wato

A Beautifully crafted game, that showed the teams commitment and never looking out for the game to be over. They continuously attacked the opposition, while the defence made sure we kept a clean sheet – our first one since the 8th September in the 0-0 draw against Mansfield. It seemed l was correct with the tactic change, as Wato's forward charge put off the defenders to volley rebound from Van der Voom's shot on the fifth minute for his fifth goal of the season! It was another beautiful team crafted play for the next goal, as the ball was played from Eejit to O'Toibin who crossed the ball into the box for Ediz to score his tenth goal of the season on 36th minutes. Our attacks were less clinical after that, but the team was still disciplined enough not to allow the away side to creep back into the game, and Hemphill was able to seal the game on the 61st minute off a Van der Voom saved shot – who was unlucky not to have been on the score sheet himself. It was a wonderful way to cap off a somewhat small month.


And the next morning, I awoke early and stood onto my balcony in my boxers smoking the last Richmond’s I had, gazing at the sunrise as Babe slept in the bed behind me. I kept thinking about the fact, that maybe from all that I had gone through, I needed to forget and try to live on a clean slate. Maybe I needed to change in order to be more focused on my career? Maybe I should forget about chasing faceless one night standers, and just settle down like I should had done with Cerina. But, It seemed that she was with Eejit now, and I was in this... thing with Babe. I thought to myself, finishing off my cigarette and throwing it off the balcony, as the awoken Babe stretched out her arms.


Babe: What's wrong?
Niko: Just. Maybe that whole thing at the initiation thing was a sign, you know for change.
Babe: You all right? Where is the Niko from last night? I didn't get into this with a wimp! If I wanted too, I wouldn't have knocked back that deluded Kowalinho guy.
Niko: It's alright. Maybe it's just something that I can't seem to mull over right now.
Babe: Look, what you are now is who you are. It doesn't matter about the past nor the future, just the present.
Niko: I know that but when I held that guitar, I felt something strange. Like I needed to do something about me, like I was a different me and the other me, I won't be able to be any more.
Babe: Well, maybe you need to do one more show and then you can deal with it?
Niko: Maybe....

I said, walking over to my guitar case that I hadn't opened in ages and got off my Hummingbird acoustic guitar. I put it around my neck, grabbed a pick and then sat at the chair facing opposite to Babe, and started to strum it. Tuning it up, and getting ready to play.

Babe: You are going to serenade me with your vocals huh?
Niko: Maybe. Just felt that if I was going to do this one final time, it would be right for me to do it in front of one person – you.

She smirked, as she sat up in the bed as I began to play Wicked Game (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wybw0Ggm9WE), for the final time I would sing, for the final time I would give up my music for football. This was a change, a chance for the future I could have – to reach the heights of the footballing world with my superior knowledge, without stupid ambitions getting in the way. The one audience performance went well, and as I hit the last note, I leant the guitar on the side of the chair and looked at Babe.

Niko: What do you think?
Babe: Get back into bed.

And that is how this short month which started out somewhat like a dud, ended like fireworks for me!


With only one thing repeating in my head....

Let... This... River....


************************************************** **********************************************
English Conference - Saturday 27th October 2012
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2012/13 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Newark 14 6 1 1 18 6 3 3 0 13 7 31
2nd Grimsby 15 7 1 0 19 6 1 5 1 9 9 30
3rd Hereford 14 3 2 1 15 13 6 0 2 18 11 29
4th Forest Green 14 3 1 2 5 5 5 3 0 15 8 28
5th Luton 14 2 1 3 4 7 6 1 1 19 11 26
6th Newport 14 4 3 1 11 5 3 0 3 6 4 24
7th Stockport 14 5 0 3 16 11 2 3 1 10 9 24
8th Kidderminster 14 4 0 4 12 12 3 3 0 12 8 24
9th Woking 14 3 2 1 10 5 3 2 3 11 12 22
10th Mansfield 14 3 3 2 8 6 3 0 3 10 11 21
11th Barrow 14 3 2 1 10 5 2 2 4 9 13 19
12th Hyde 14 3 2 2 18 15 2 0 5 10 14 17
13th Ebbsfleet Utd 14 2 5 1 8 8 2 0 4 8 12 17
14th Telford Utd 15 1 3 3 12 11 3 1 4 6 10 16
15th Gateshead 14 1 1 4 9 13 3 2 3 10 10 15
16th Cambridge Utd 14 2 0 4 9 13 2 3 3 8 9 15
17th Lincoln 14 2 1 4 10 12 2 1 4 7 12 14
18th Wrexham 14 2 4 2 12 11 1 1 4 7 16 14
19th Southport 14 2 0 5 7 11 2 1 4 12 14 13
20th Braintree 14 2 2 4 12 17 1 2 3 12 14 13
21st Macclesfield 14 2 2 3 15 15 0 2 5 3 15 10
22nd Alfreton 14 1 1 4 6 14 0 2 6 6 17 6

28-05-13, 11:12 PM
* Is a bit upset for not being in starting 11 :(

29-05-13, 07:47 AM
* Hope he stays in the managers plans.

A pretty decent month and still clear at the top of the league. Onward and upward.

29-05-13, 10:32 AM
glad I showed my ability after my recall to the team with a goal and Man of the Match...

29-05-13, 11:48 AM
Dang, as if I gave away the free kick :(

29-05-13, 12:29 PM
I should register a concern here. What's this with not killing AMC ? This is a worrying development that we need to stamp out before this forum degenerates completely.

29-05-13, 12:56 PM
Haha, cracking update! I also question the "AMC lives" shocker. I assumed Godzirra was going to stand on him after bringing him back up or something?!


30-05-13, 12:42 AM
Just caught up with this mate. Quality read, and enjoying the game time on the field

Baron Zbimg
30-05-13, 08:27 AM
I feel like a hero. I'm quitting France and moving in Newark!!!

31-05-13, 11:44 PM

Ate-It A Bitch!

Man Dies of Radiation Exposure after being Eaten By Japanese Lizard


By Tomas Manly at London
Published: Monday 4th November 2012

An audience member during the inauguration of Croatian football manager Niko Bergstrom has died after being exposed the radioactive stomach of legendary Asian lizard Godzilla.

The audience member, mononymously named AMC, was watching the performance of Niko Bergstrom, 25, as he had to do the annual ceremony of performing live to the Bristish public to earn a right to within our borders. But after hearing the tragic story of Niko's life, a man wearing a tuxedo and black-glasses gate-crashed the show by riding into the arena on Godzilla, famed monster of the seas of Japan.

After being eaten by Mr Godzilla, the monster then throw up the thirty-year-old mechanic, leaving the arena in a state of confusion and otherwise looking healthy. But after nearly a week, he has died due to the radioactive nature of the monster.

Dr Some Thing, from the Institute of Radiation Activity, or IRA, described the process of radioactive poisonings effect on the human body.

Doctor Some Thing at an IRA Rally

“At first, the infected seemed to be unharmed by the radioactive sleeper substances within their bodies. However, after fourty-eight hours, they display symptons of extreme eccentricity. They will start by listening to Canadian pop-singer Justin Bieber, then reacting the famous 'Goodbye Horses' scene from Silence of The Lamb, before finding comfort in the thought of shagging Susan Boyle.”

AMC's neighbour, monoymous named Fodster, described similar strange activites coming from his former neighbour: “I was awoken at 1 pm by the loud noises of someone singing along to 'Baby' by that pathetic vocalist Justin Bieber. Then, I was amazed as I opened my door with a naked AMC with his penis tucked between his thighs asking 'will you fuck me?' and then instantly stating 'I would fuck me!'.”

When asked about the final sympton, Mr Fodster replied: “I don't know. After feeling like your going to be raped, most people would run away from the place where it was most likely going to happen, and live in Australia!”

Fodster, who now resides in the land of Oz, described AMC as a very 'unfortunate' person.

“He always seemed to have accidents, like falling down a flight of stairs, or having a piano drop on his head, but always seemed to be able to wake up the next morning.”

AMC, after having a masturbation session over what police said, based upon the last searches on his personal compuer, of Scottish monster Susan Boyle, soon throw up green vomit all over himself, before his eyes exploded and suffering a brain aneurysm which, according to Dr Some Thing, leads to the final conclusion of radioactivity from a mythological creature.

“From these monsters, or creatures as some might state, comes a very scientific and unrealistic level of deep exposure of radioactive waste which the monsters, in their mythological ways, live off. Due to humans undevelopment of resistance to such radioactive levels, our ego system breaks down, and we find ourselves to a point of no return. Before we sick off what we have done, literally, in which the substances of the vomit is minuet levels of radiaction, hence why the whole street had to be quarantined and many of the to be anally tested for any radioactivity posioning.”

http://l.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/3Wke9W_JhcAWuHPb_96vtw--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7Zmk9ZmlsbDtoPTMxMDtxPTg1O3NtPTE7dz 0zMTA-/http://media.zenfs.com/289/2011/08/02/BradPitt_063335.jpg
Fodster: Safety Check Reminded Him of Early Years

In which Mr Fodster was one of whom had to be tested for radioactive acticity, in which he described as: “it reminded me of when I was apart of the Catholic choir, and when I used to stay over at my uncle Jimmy's and his late night visits.”

In reponse of his death, Niko claimed:”Oh My God! Gorzilla Killed AMC!”

Yes he did, that mutant bastard!


01-06-13, 09:09 AM
Normal service is resumed. :lol:

02-06-13, 04:45 AM
The First Journey
Chapter Five:
Cup Ties and Decisions

November. To me it was a sign that this year was coming at a close, and that it had been nearly six months since I had started the job, which I have to say for myself, I am doing excellently. This month I only have four games scheduled, two in the league, one in the FA Cup against MK Dons and one in the second round of the FA Trophy:


The FA Trophy is among the list of what was expected of me to win, with Yermolai wanting the club to win a double as many times as possible. Before the game against relegation battlers Macclesfield at Moss Rose stadium, Yermolai called me into the meeting room, surprisingly with the absence of a particular 'friend' of mine.


Yermolai: Nikolavski, it has been a while since I have called you in. How has things been doing with the club?
Niko: Fairly well, though I think a few players are becoming a little arrogant due to our success so far, they might not even try to cash in the team's effort and hand in a transfer request – I am ready to reject them of course. They can go during the summer, not the winter peroid!
Yermolai: I like that attitude, it is a little disheartening they cannot respect the reputation the club is building for them. But I digress, Nikolavski, as you know I want to win both the league and the cup, and since I have been informed that we aren't actually qualified for the Vans Trophy, I just want the double.
Niko: Easier said then done. The FA Cup has the Premier League as well as the higher divisions, and even with my knowledge of tactics - and the calibre of players we have – I don't think we can win it!
Yermolai: No, I meant the FA Trophy! I have been informed we can only win that in this league, so I want it! And what I want, I always get, or otherwise, blood shall be spilt!

His eyes glazed into me, like a policemen looking at the last doughnut, I felt threatened, like a child staying over at a Catholic camp.

Niko: I will win it.

As I was about to turn around, he clicked his fingers.

Yermolai: I am not done yet, Nikolavski!

I turned back round to face the large talking Potato head.

Yermolai: With the recent attack of Godzilla, and Asian people, I have decided to hire a security 'consultant'.
Niko: I thought YoungWolf was that.
Yermolai: He is doing other 'work' for me.
Niko: Any why does this matter to me?
Yermolai: He thinks that, with your history, you are at risk the most from any future attacks by large radioactive monsters, so he will need to move you to a more secure location, as well as somewhere, he is able to watch to watchover you during the his hours.
Niko: And you think I won't be safe?
Yermolai: Don't you dare speak out of term to me, Nikolavski Bergstrom!
Voice: Sir, I don't think he meant it like that – I think he doesn't like the idea of someone protecting. Maybe, this little man feels he can fight the larger things in life!

Said an irritating man, walking past me.


Voice: After all, he is famously killed a whole organisation by himself!

He said in a sarcastic tone of voice.

Yermolai: Nikolavski Bergstrom, this is-
Voice: My name is Shepard Bennett, a former commander in the SAS, as well as other operations that I am not allowed to speak of. Nice to meet you, Niko. I have heard some 'interesting' things about you, probably more than you know yourself.
Niko: Oh really?
Shepard: Yep. Like the nature of the whole 'plan' of Phetrovology, as well as other things, but lets get this back on-topic. I want to move you to a location further away from the town centre, somewhere further from Newark itself, a house in the greenery. It is more open, allowing for the attacks to be seen better, well in my expertise.
Niko: And I guess, I HAVE to move right?
Shepard: Yes, you and your partner, Babe Cummings is it?
Niko: Firstly, we aren't together in that sense, and secondly what makes you think I will volunteer to something like that?

As I asked that, he pulled out a pistol aiming right for my head. He pulled the trigger, and the bullet came straight for me, using my instincts I dodged the bullet and rolled to the right, watching the bullet go out of the room a hit an intern.

Niko: Oh My God! Shepard killed Intern AMC!
Office Worker: That b:censored:!

Shepard then aimed the gun at the office worker, feeling obliged to protect him, I ran up to the table, slid onto the mahogany surface, and lunged at the gun wielding psychopath. Only to met with his army standard boot, on his right leg.

Shepard: I can see you have the instinct I have heard about, far too naturalistic to have been trained. Your courage is also commendable, but will be your downfall in terms of a potential attack. You run your decisions based upon emotion, and that is what cost you with a broken nose. And if your 'friend' Babe was in trouble, you would be in the same situation, but they wouldn't just break your nose – they would finish you off!

Amazed at his 'expertise', I held my broken noise with my hand and just stared at an amazement of this... This level of human being. Maybe he could even rival Zan, or the other ninja clones I have encountered. Maybe..

Yermolai: You see Nikolavski, you are too valuable to me to be dead at this time. You can die at the end of the season, but right now? That is too risky!
Niko: Nice to know I am thought of so nicely, now if you don't mind, I have to do my job. Shepard, you do what you have to do, but if you EVER do that again, or touch anything that effects me – you won't be so lucky!

I shouted at me, as I walked towards the door way in anger, stepping over the corpse as I marched out of the stadium. It looked like maybe I would need some potential help in the future.

But for now, my mind was set onto the Macclesfield game. For this I wanted to bring a consistently chosen team, and with a good result in the last game, I decided to choose the same eleven, with only exception of Kowalinho who has been missing for the last few days, being replaced on the bench by Van der Voom:


Wednesday 7th November 2012
English Conference
Macclesfield v. Newark
(Murtagh '12, Holroyd '24)(O'Toibin '30, Zbimg '65)
The Eejit Sent off '46
MoM – L. Zbimg

A very open first 45 minutes which was ruined by a stupid two-footed challenge from The Eejit, whose named was warranted as we had to battle not only for possession but for the point. Macclesfield started the match with a determination to win, with constant attacks which was consistently thwarted by goalkeeper Shepard, but we wasn't able to withstand the pressure for too long, and after just 12 minutes, Murtagh, their major attacking outlet throughout the whole, headed in Diagne's cross and made the under-dogs to take the lead. And once again, the onslaught happened again with Holroyd's powerful shot finding the back of the net 24 minutes in. But, we were able to get one back after some smart one-two from Ediz and O'Toibin, with the Irishman finishing off the attack with a spectacular goal half an hour into the game.

For the second half I told the lads to press and attacking more, which in the ears of Eejit meant: “BREAK THE PLAYER'S F:censored:ING LEGS!” And before we could even establish an attack, I was forced to take off Wato and replace him with Henderson, playing a five at the back with Henderson dropping into the left back position and Hernandez more central position. The defensive move worked, as the attacks were broken down and luckily O'Toibin was able to find Zbimg who volleyed the ball into the back of the net for his seventh of the season, 65 minutes on the clock. There was no more threats from Macclesfield, as Zbimg searched continuously for the remaining minutes of the game, as the away fans starting do the now annoying chant.

Instantly, I was thinking about the last away game in the league for this month, against Alfreton, with only two changes. Due to his sending off The Eejit was dropped to the bench, as was Jose Hernandez who disappointed me with a rating of 5, with Liam playing at right-back and Hoolihan playing as a centre back:


Saturday 10th November 2012
English Conference
Alfreton v. Newark
(Van der Voom '71 '90)
Franklin sent off 62
Wato sent off 62
MoM – M. Clayton

Another game in November, another sending off, and another performance that made me worry about the game against MK Dons which was next. How was we meant to win against a stronger side if our players kept under performing and losing their anger? The match was a total bore with neither team really trying in the first half, with only one change at half-time, Zbimg being replaced by Van der Voom, I had hoped it would help influence the team more. But, on the 62nd minute Wato was headbutted in the face by Franklin, in which Wato responded by pushing him over and spitting in his face, which made the referee Bohan Finn have a clear decision – 10 men for both teams. At first we struggled with having no midfielder, but Clayton stood up to the task and was a defensive as well as an attacking outlet, Baz was the first one to contribute to the attack by hoofing the ball up-field in which Van der Voom's brilliant first touch passed two players before cooly slotting the ball into the net after 71 minutes played. Soon it was Clayton's turn to get the assist with a perfectly timed through ball tearing the home sides defence apart before Van der Voom smashed it into the bottom corner in stoppage time – 2-0 and game over.

After thinking it over, I thought that for the next game it would be better to play a lot more attacking, with a second striker feeding the forwards, and leaving the defensive midfielder to play a more demanding role in making sure that the opposition was broken down. For this, I told Hemphill to play behind the strikers of Zbimg and Van der Voom, whom together had scored 14 goals in all competitions, them being three goals off of Ediz, and with Wato playing on the right wing to use his crossing expertise to help the team's attacks. Zannit was called to the subs bench and Ediz as well as Kowalinho had still not turned up from his little 'adventure'.


Saturday 17th November 2012
English FA Cup 1st Round
MK Dons v. Newark
(Potter '35)(Zbimg '21)
MoM – D. Lewington

A shockingly positive performance the lads enforced a replay against MK Dons, in which we initially took the lead through Zbimg who caught onto the lobbed pass from Hemphill as shocked the home fans by volleying the ball into the back of the net just 21 minutes into the game, sending the away fans to chant once more!


But it was fourteen minutes later when Lewington fed the ball for Potter to make it all square, in which it remained. For the second half it was back and forth, with us having more advantage in the attacking spark, with Wato's crosses the substitute Ediz who came on for the dissapointinh Van der Voom, but never really found the edge to seal the win for us – thanks to some great defender from MK Dons and Lewington, whose leadership was clear throughout. With the replay, it meant that we would have to face MK Dons on the eve of December, just after our FA Trophy game against Grimsby.

For that week, Shepard Bennett had started to move all my stuff into the large house he wanted me to live in.


It was large indeed, and made all my skepticism go away, except for the fact he would be living just in the garden in a little bungalow.


Moving the stuff was a lot easier when I told Babe, who was anxious to move out after being threatened by the crazed marmalade obsessed neighbour that was living next us, to which I just laughed off. The house was amazing, the living room seemed to be beuilt for a King! Finally I was getting recognition of my royalty of brilliance!


In happy mood, I was one my way to the training ground, which I had to walk a majority of the way since the bus stop was so far from the actual sight, only to be stopped from the horror that was infront of me.


The car was totaled and smelt like a Snoop Lion's den! It was clear to me I had to run, but this time there wasn't going to be a helicopter and a bad stereotype to save me, and soon I was faced with...


Lindsay: Niko! My Niko! I have found you!

It screamed with it arms wide open, like her legs normally are after the mention of a drug or alcoholic beverage.

Niko: Oh hell no!

I screamed trying to back away from the on-rushing running STD.

Lindsay: I have crashed a plane, a boat, a mythological Japanese creature...

At that moment of time, somewhere in the world!

http://justicedenied.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Shoji-Sakurai-and-Takao-Sugiyama_during_their_retrial_that_began_in_July_2 010_cropped_1x1.jpg

Japan 1: Oh My Gawd! Rindsay Rohan killed Godzirra!
Japan 2: Hair that skank b:censored:!

Back in England.

Luckily I was able to be interrupted of my death, by someone else's. A local drug drealer who was walking naked once taking too much of his own stuff, was smashed into the lamppost, and was impaled by the large metal rod of the post. A Major Crackhead, which I thought was ironic by who was driving the car at the time.

AMC: Wow, am I like dying? This is so weak!

Smelling his disgusting breath, the thing suddenly rushed over to the victim of it's tragedy.

Lindsay: Are you AMC? My pen pal from when I was a child? The same pen pal that used to send Mexicans with crack cocaine stuffed up their anus just for me?
AMC: Are you that ginger b:censored: from Mean Girls who I used to masturbate to?
Lindsay: Yes!! I have found who I have wanted in my whole life! The person who I have seeken for, the reason why I started my dissent into this abyss, was for you. For that from all the dealers and judges I have to suck off, I was hoping....
AMC: For a Big Mac? Because I could go for one right now!
Lindsay: No, I was hoping that one of those cocks... would be yours!

As she said that, emerging from the ditch on my right came Celine Dion.


Celine: Near, far, wherever you are!

But soon she was shot by a random Canadian hunter.


Hunter: Good shot Archibald!
Archibald: Why, thank you Gregory! Now grab that corpse so that we can take it home and deskin, and then have sex with it.
Gregory: Oh utterly brilliant! Would be a fine upgrade from those chickens and turkeys we deskinned and have sex with.
Archibald: Yes, that does kind of ruin Christmas dinner every year.

They said, grabbing the corpse and walking off into the horizon.

Niko: What the hell! What have I just walked into?

I asked myself, as Lindsay started holding onto AMC.

Lindsay: Oh AMC! I love you, please don't leave me. I have spent my whole life looking for you.

She said with tears down her face, something which before seemed to never have occurred with any of her acting role, a sense of believability and connectivity.

AMC: But... I can't. Even though I am so high I can't feel anything, I can already see that my intestines are being minced into sausages by the local butchers.
Lindsay: No! I won't let your death be on my hands!!

She screamed with a large amount of pain, suddenly I was moved. How could someone like her be moved by something so trivial? Could this be a sign for myself? Like the whole Godzilla and music thing? Maybe I was being given a sign by fate for something...

AMC: Wow, I can see a light!
Lindsay: It's just the headlights of my car! Please don't try to move!
AMC: I can't, I can see it all so clearly! I can see the sky, and the clouds. The clouds are moving in-sync of my dying breath!
Lindsay: Not, it just seems that way because you have taken a lot of drugs!
AMC: It... can't.. be...

And that was his last words. His last words in this world. So meaningless, so vague, yet for some reason it resonated inside me – but why?

Niko: Oh my God. Lindsay Lohan has killed AMC.
Lindsay: Nooooo!

She screamed, shaking the still body hoping for something. After trying numerous of times, she grabbed a piece of metal from the wreckage and pierced her skin with it, and soon she followed him into death.

Niko: That unfortunate b:censored:.

I said, as sincere as I could, walking towards the direction of the training pitch. When I arrived I was shaken, and just went into my toilet-office to recuporate, when a sixteen year old striker walked in.

Kowalinho: Hello boss, how can I say this? You don't look well?
Niko: Where have you been? Nah, never mind. Look, I don't care. You want to find your woman, your dream girl – go for it. I'll help. And maybe I’ll find mine.
Kowalinho: But boss, maybe you already have. You, how can I say this, you have options and decisions in front of you, you can take. Babe, Cerina. Maybe one of them will be her. And thanks for offering to help, I just came back from looking in Nottingham and Lincoln – but nothing.
Niko: It's alright.

I replied, somewhat instantly. He nodded back and was about to leave when I added.

Niko: You better be ready for Saturday, because your going to start...

I said, as a smile etched onto his face. As he left, I pulled open my bottom draw and took out the bottle of Jack Daniels I kept encase for emergencies. For me this was one. I needed to think hard, and then maybe I will be ready for what was about to come.

To Be Continued.

02-06-13, 09:44 AM
Red cards galore there silly players :D

02-06-13, 02:41 PM
Next on list:

Sheffield, Peterborough, Birmingham, Leeds, Leicester, Coventry, Manchester and London :D

03-06-13, 09:30 AM
Franklin the dirty git..

I'd have done more than push him over and spit in his face.

I ran him over in my car after the game..

03-06-13, 11:02 AM
How was I supposed to know that the bastard was going to get in the way of my 2 footed lunge. If he hadn't been there I'd have won the ball easy.

Death of Celine Dion is the single best thing that has ever happened on this forum.

03-06-13, 12:41 PM
That was an awesome update! My head's spinning from the crazy chain of events (also i have a cold) :lol:

Brilliant work!

Oh yeah, and there were some football matches too, come on you Newark!

03-06-13, 05:19 PM
Next on list:

Sheffield, Peterborough, Birmingham, Leeds, Leicester, Coventry, Manchester and London :D

After all, maybe the girl of your dreams is right under your nose?


And thanks for the replies guys ;)

Next one i'll work on it soon, and then december one will be next week. Would be a seasonal one, so it would be ironic for me to go on about winter when it is summer :lol: If anyone gets who Shepard Bennett is, ie why he is famous for (or should i say his face) they will win something in the next update ;)

Keep reading and commenting, keeps me motivated ;)

03-06-13, 05:20 PM
I know what you can create ;) I hope that girl wont be ugly :keke:

06-06-13, 05:10 PM
The First Journey
Chapter Five:
Cup Ties and Decisions

With the same thoughts ringing inside my head, I found it hard to completely forget about the somewhat tragic demise of that druggie, as well as the pressure that I seemed to have off Yermolai and the players for the FA Trophy and my own pressure for the replay against MK Dons. I wanted to at least reach the third round, but with key players suspended, it made the potential squad choices difficult.

For this I used the same tactic, with Hemphill playing as the second striker (like in the previous league game), helping Zbimg and Kowalinho in attack, Kowalinho who had been able to establish himself into the squad after taking a 'leave of absence' and looked determined (maybe due to the fact, I said that if he played well I would indulge in his hunt for his 'dream' girl the next night). On the wings was O'Toibin, the first choice left winger, and Henderson, who replaced the suspended Wato.

Clayton played as the DMC as Eejit's suspension started, and the back four was the same one that played against MK Dons, feeling that with the level difference between Dons and Grimsby, they would be able to be certain that they would shut shop and allow the attack speak for themselves:


With the last result against them being 1-1 draw in the league, I had hoped we could sneak the win and move onto trying to build a formidable force in the league as well as the trophy, making the FA Cup more a 'third' option to gain revenue from attendance.

Saturday 24th November 2012
English FA Trophy
Newark v. Truro

The ball was placed as I told the squad to do what they do best. The crowd was anxious, I was anxious and the players seemed anxious. The second piece of silver I needed to win, was about to start, and the test of my managerial greatness as well started.

2 Minute – Straight away from the kick-off, Grimsby attacked. Former Bradford player Colbeck lobbed the ball forward, Cook won the aerial battle with Clayton and headed towards goal, but Shepard was alert and got fingertips on the ball to go out for a corner.

2 Minute – Colbeck flung the ball in, Cook once again won against Clayton, and set up Disley, who aimed for the top right. I launched off my seat, and screamed, but thankfully Shepard was able to do another out-standing save, deflecting the ball out.

3 Minute – Which feel for Ford, who volleyed it towards goal, but thankfully Shepard was the saviour again. Three chances on target from the away side, and I started to get nervous.

4 Minute – Liam lobbed the ball forward to Hemphill, who skilful passes one midfielder and plays it into Zbimg on the wing, he does a Hemphill-styled low cross towards Kowalinho, who chips it onto O'Toibin charging on the left wing but was broken down Disley. A fantastic attack, but disappointing we couldn't convert it to a shot on goal.

6 Minute – Corner kick taken by Hemphill, who met the head of Henderson – wide of goal. Best chance so far, agonisingly close!

12 Minute – Colbeck is found on the edge of the box, with the defenders behind him! Goes for a cheeky lob, but punched out by Shepard. Another great save by the number one keeper, and keeps hope that we can gain something!!

30 Minute – A brilliant dribble from O'Toibin from our defence to the oppositions left-wing, low cross isn't found by anyone and Grimsby counter. Colbeck to Disley, who playing in Hatton but isn't able to get pass Baz. Great defending!

33-35 Minutes – Free-kick to Grimsby after BobMem pushes over Cook outside the box, Hannah takes but is easily saved. Out for a corner, taken by Colbeck which is headed out by Baz, great positioning. Another corner, broken down by brilliant defending from BobMem, who whacks the ball up-field.

42 Minute – Final attack of the half, and once again it is from Grimsby, Hannah on the right crosses the ball into the box, Cook is then brought down legally by BobMem, referee Mike Brandwood dismisses the penalty appeal. My heart skips a beat, and the crowd are silent from our disappointing attacking performance.

45 Minute – Whistle blown, end of the first half, which was all Grimsby, the players and the crowd seem to be in the same line of dishearten. As the lads go to the locker-room, I am pulled to the side by my assistant Riley.


Riley: Niko, you need to slap these f:censored:ers into shape! No shots on target? Disgraceful! Go on these and f:censored:ing give them hell!
Niko: They don't need a f:censored:ing depressing rant! They need motivation, they need inspiration.
Riley: Yeah right! How long have you been a manager for? You know f:censored: all! Let me whip them into shape, if your being a f:censored:ing pussy about it!

I smacked in the face.

Niko: I AM YOUR BOSS! If I say they need motivating, that is what they are going to get!

He smirked back, holding onto his jaw. He laughed and walked into the locker-rooms. I waited a few minutes before following, trying to gather what needed to be said, and what needed to be done.


The room was silent. Everyone was disappointed, especially Kowalinho. I inhaled intently before opening my mouth.

Niko: What is with you all? Glum faces all ready? For what?

They all looked shocked, like I hadn't seen what happened in the last hour.

Hemphill: We are playing s:censored:! They are hammering us, and every time we attack, they break us down. How can we be happy about that?

I looked at the captain straight in the eyes, and began laughing, causing more bemused reactions.

Niko: If I gave up when I was being chased by an evil organisation, I would be dead right now. If I gave up, you wouldn't be wearing that shirt, and you wouldn't have this opportunity. Giving up is for losers, and I don't see a bunch of losers, I see winners! They might break down our attacks, but they won't break our spirit! We are Fearless Warriors! FEARLESS! We don't give up if we are having a 'bad' day, we fight and make it the greatest day that we will ever have! We don't surrender our fate, we mould it to OUR objective – that objective is to WIN! We want success, failure is not an option! We won't walk a line, we march into the unknown! WE ARE FEARLESS WARRIORS! Never SURRENDING! Never having an ounce of doubt! WE ARE FEARLESS WARRIORS! Fearless and always fighting – fighting till that end of the whistle. Fighting for every ball. Fighting for every pass, save, shot. WE ARE FEARLESS WARRIORS! We won't let judgement take away our spirit, we are inspired by it! We don't give in, I won't give in! This is OUR journey, this is OUR battle and this is OUR game. They come here wanting to take OUR pride from OUR home? I DON'T THINK SO! This is OUR home, they are OUR fans cheering US on! So, if they think they can come here to win, what will we do? FIGHT THEM! And we will WIN because?

They all rose at once and shouted.


The players was united, the players was ready to fight, so I had one thing to say.

Niko: Now go out there, and show them who we are. And what we are, are WINNERS, and FIGHTERS, but most importantly – WARRIORS!!

They charged out the room like a group of bulls, determined. Not a single face seemed disinterested, or disheartened. I had done my job, and now it was down to them to do theirs.

51 Minute – Grimsby substitutes Cook for Greg Pearson, as the team pressed hard for the ball. It seemed like we were getting close.

54 Minutes – Henderson charged past two players on the right flank, taking the barges and pushes of the away defenders. His dribbling and pace was too much, continuing his run before lobbing the ball perfectly into the six-yard box to Zbimg, which he leashed into the back of the net! WE HAD DONE IT! The fans went wild as Lorenzo scored once more, and his celebration suited that! Running striaght to the fans and screaming his head off. 1-0!


I, myself, charged towards him and hugged him. I screamed “You Son of a B:censored:! You did it!” before being ripped off him by the assistant referee. I took it on my stride as the fourth official gave me a warning.

59 Minute – Hemphill outside the box curled a shot into the top right, but skimmed the post as it fell behind. We were perfect! We had begun to battle for each ball, looking for each team-mate, for each attack!

62-63 Minutes – Hannah is denied a close shot by the outstanding Shepard, who wins them a corner. Corner is dealt brilliantly by BobMem, clearing the ball up-field and is found by Kowalinho, who skins two players before a beautiful long pass to Zbimg, who volleyed it first time towards the goal, agonisingly close but wide of the goal.

66 Minute – Hernandez plays it to Clayton who chipps the ball into the free Henderson, whose control let him lose accuracy into his powerful shot, which is saved by the keeper. We were getting more of the ball, and making it count!

68 Minute – Artus comes on for Grimsby, replacing former Bradford player and Crawley loanee Scott Neilson. Didn't matter to me, we were the team who was in charge and looked set to score the next goal.

69-71 Minutes – Disley to Hannah, who once again, missed a perfect opportunity as Shepard catches the ball and launches it forward 30 yards to Clayton, who one-twos it with Liam, before sending it onto Baz, who crosses to O'Toibin, who chests it down to Zbimg, whose volley is saved by the keeper – perfect counter attack, and unlucky not to seal it with a goal.

72 Minute - Another perfect example of counter attacking, as Shepard saves Niven's cross, to which he throws the ball onto Hernandez who lobbs it on the left to O'Toibin who brings it to the half-way line and passes to Henderson, who chips it to Kowalinho, who then passes it to Zbimg, who then lobs it to O'Toibin who sets it up for Baz, who heads it back to O'Toibin who crosses it over to BobMem whose shot is blocked by Artus. Brilliant commited play from O'Toibin who always seeked to find the play, and brillaint movement from his team mates looking to be an option for the play. But once again it wasn't turned into a goal.

77-78 Minutes – Hemphill gives away a free-kick after making a hasty tackle on Hannah. Hannah takes the free-kick but is headed up-field by BobMem. Great defending from the back line, though the back-tracking Hemphill should have been more composed.

86-87 Minutes – Clayton passes it onto Baz, who holds up the ball before pushing it on back to the forward running Clayton. Clayton crosses the ball onto Henderson on the right wing, who does a Hemphill-styled low cross towards the left post, connecting with O'Toibin!


We had done it! We have had scored that goal which sealed our victory, and truly we had fought to get to that point.

90 Minute – A free kick is taken by Hemphill, Zbimg is headed towards goal but is blocked by Disley, who charges onward to the goal as the four minutes of added time was announced. Disley is then fouled, Hannah takes the free kick quickly to Niven who passes it through the defence to the on-rushing Disley who...


Scores with a low volley into the back of the net. They had got a consolation goal, and a glimmer of hope, which they wasn't able to build on. We had done it! We had gone through to the next round of the FA Trophy!!!

Lorenzo was named the Man of the Match, with his presence continuously felt throughout the team's attack, though I felt any one the lads could have got the award for their display. Shepard - for saving our asses more times then Hell has frozen over, BobMem, Baz, Hoolihan and Liam – all being stubborn in defence but also positive in starting attacks. O'Toibin – for his constant runs, Clayton for his brilliant distribution of the ball up-field and breaking down attacks, Kowalinho for helping hold the ball up and being a nuisance for Grimsby's defence, Hemphill for being there to supply the through ball and for being an inspirational leader on the field, Henderson for his constant threatening attacks and earning two assists in the game. It was a brilliant all round performance which I felt was the best we had done in the season so far!

And as promised to Kowalinho, that night, myself and him went to a nightclub to help find his 'dream' girl.


Helping him get through security due to my 'essence' of my right hand, and popularity within the region, we started our seemingly difficult task.

Niko: So what attracts you to a girl? Except for the general female genitals.
Kowalinho: Why would that matter?
Niko: Because maybe that aspect could infer to what you instinctive fall for her.
Kowalinho: Well, Kowalinho likes...

He said, charging towards the DJ desk, grabbing the microphone, as he played one annoying song.

Kowalinho: I like the big butts, and I cannot lie!
You otters can't rely,
That when a girl walks in, smell like toxic waste,
And a big Jew face,
Kowalinho is sprung,
As she shows her thong,
Cause I want some of that muff,
Deep into shorts just glaring,
Stand out as in it's baring,
Oh, baby I want to find ya,
Anglo-Polish mixture,
No-one come near me,
Cause that butt is fine,
Make me want to dine!

After just one verse, the DJ kicked him off the stage and he returned back to me, as if nothing had happened. But before I could ask him what the hell that was about, another worse nightmare seemed to occur as a car went flying into the nightclub, which meant only one thing.


Lucia: Niko, you lied to me!

She said aiming her two pistols towards me, as the nightclub was evacuated.

Lucia: You said you would bring me here with you and continue our relationship! But it has been months, and I am not even mentioned?
Niko: Actually I did, in that interview I did...
Lucia: Actually, you didn't mention me as in me to me!
Kowalinho: Hello lady, my name is Kowalinho, and I want to ask – how can I say this?-
Niko: Not right now Kowal-
Kowalinho: I want to lick your insides like a strawberry Cornetto, and then nibble on your nipples like I was sucking a bottle lid that was sealed shut!

I tried to save him, I honestly did but...

Lucia: How dare you speak to me like that?

She said pointing the pistols at the young forward, who responded by pissing his pants.

Lucia: And how dare you let him to talk to me like that!

She said aiming the gun back to me, not making her decisions like a schizophrenic trying to chose the red pill or the blue pill in the Matrix.

Niko: Look!

Before I go on a large bouncer, A Massive C:censored: came over to try and resolve the matter.


AMC: Okay, what the f:censored: is going on here?

As he walked over towards us, the wall in which the car crashed into came apart, the support of the building callopsed with half of the roof falling down onto him, cutting him in half.

AMC: Ah! I can’t feel me legs!!
Niko: That because they are over there.

I said pointing to the other side of the room, onto the dance floor. As Lucia looked at the face who was angry towards me, it seemed to click something in her head. She lowered the guns, and walked towards him.

Lucia: AMC? Is that you?
Niko: You know this C:censored:?
AMC: Yes it is me, my darling!

He said grasping onto her hands, as blood flew out of his mouth and onto my nice white £300 shirt.

Niko: You b:censored:!

I screamed towards him.

Niko: This was a new shirt!

They ignored me, as his breathing slowly faded.

Lucia: AMC! Remember the times we had during training? We were always together! They forbade any relationship, so we couldn't be together!
AMC: I know my love.
Niko: Hello doesn't any one care about my f:censored:ing shirt?
Kowalinho: I do boss!
Niko: You can shut the f:censored: up! This is all your fault!! Mr 'Big Butts'!
Kowalinho: You saying I have a large butt?

He said looking at his rear-end, as Lucia craddled the dying man in her arms. The sight reminded of the one with Lindsay, the same feeling of emptiness came back.

AMC: I do remember.

He spoke silently, as more blood came out of his mouth.

AMC: I promised you that I would find a place where we could run-a-way and elope! I'm sorry that I didn't keep that promise....
Lucia: No! You still can! Just believe in yourself!!
AMC: I can't... I can feel the darkness drawing closer. Kiss me, my love, so that my final taste would be your perfect lips...

Lucia kissed him.

AMC: Strawberry? I am allergic to strawberry!! It makes me-

He said before his head exploded.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Lucia killed AMC!
Kowalinho: That b:censored:!
Lucia: Nooooo!

She scream, caressing his body.

Lucia: Remember that everything I have done was for you! Everything!

She screamed as if he was still there, or had a head, but as those words were uttered, from the rubble arose Bryan Adams.


Bryan Adams: You know it's true:
Everything I do, I do it for you, oh, yeah!

And after that, he was shot in the heart by...


The Canadian hunters – once again they had claimed there prey in the worse atmosphere.

Gregory: Nice shot Archibald! Two in one month? New record I say!
Archibald: Indeed it is! Now you know the routine, grab the body so we can deskin and have sex with it!
Gregory: Got it! Hey, does this make us bisexual then?
Archibald: Nope. They are dead, so therefore we aren't going to go to hell for having gay sex.
Gregory: Fantastic news!!

They said taking the body out with them. Lucia started to shake, and brought one of her pistols to her head.

Lucia: If I cannot be with you in real life, then I will be with you in my fantasies.

She said before pulling the trigger, spraying more blood onto my new shirt, but I wasn't bothered. This had given me the answer I had lacked for so long.

Niko: Let's go Kowalinho. Nothing more to see here.

I said, as sirens could be heard approaching.

For the second game against MK Dons, I decided to use the same team that played so well against Grimsby:


With us being at home, I was hoping we could use that advantage for us to add more pressure on the away side. The fans cheering on us, as they watch the team play brilliantly!

Wednesday 28th November 2012
FA Cup First Round Replay
Newark v. MK Dons
(Powell '22, MacDonald '40)
MoM – D. Martin

It was far from it! Though it looked as if it was an even game with the statistics, we were outplayed and outmatched in talent and level of importance for the two teams. We were sloppy, and when we did have shots it was constantly saved by the oppositions keeper. Tactically, we were out-played, which allowed MacDonald find Powell to score the first goal on the 22nd minute. And it was the same for the second one with Potter finding a large amount of space on the wing to cross it in for MacDonald who sealed it with a flying volley into the back of the net, five minutes left of the half.

To fight their tactics I decided to switch to a 4-5-1 formation after 41 minutes, taking Kowalinho off for Vasily, who would play along side Clayton in a more restricted role as Hemphill would run forward to help attack – but the change had more negative effect, with the majority of the second half being a battle between two teams midfield rather then adding to the attack liked I had hoped. Zannit came on 81 minutes to played for Henderson, hoping a surge of new energy would able to get us into at least extra time if temperamental Zannit decided to play to his talent, but it wasn't enough and the final whistle came with a result raringly not going our way.

The team wasn't too bothered or disappointed though, as I made it clear – the FA Trophy was the second most important competition for the club this season, not the cup!

With the end of an emotional month over and done with, I started to think over what I had decided to do. It might be drastic and I knew that, but no-one gets successful without taking risks – and that is what I was willing to do. Come Christmas, my future might change – for the better or not, I would have to wait, but for now all I could do was look forward to the seven games that was going to happen in December. Bring it on!!


************************************************** **********************************************
English Conference - Saturday 1st December 2012
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2012/13 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Newark 16 6 1 1 18 6 4 4 0 17 9 35
2nd Hereford 16 5 2 1 21 13 6 0 2 18 11 35
3rd Forest Green 16 4 2 2 9 8 5 3 0 15 8 32
4th Grimsby 16 7 1 0 19 6 1 5 2 10 11 30
5th Newport 16 4 3 1 11 5 5 0 3 10 5 30
6th Luton 16 3 2 3 6 8 6 1 1 19 11 30
7th Stockport 16 5 0 3 16 11 2 4 2 13 13 25
8th Woking 16 4 2 2 14 9 3 2 3 11 12 25
9th Mansfield 16 3 3 2 8 6 4 0 4 12 12 24
10th Kidderminster 16 4 0 4 12 12 3 3 2 15 15 24
11th Barrow 16 4 2 2 13 8 2 2 4 9 13 22
12th Telford Utd 16 2 3 3 15 13 3 1 4 6 10 19
13th Gateshead 17 2 2 5 11 15 3 2 3 10 10 19
14th Hyde 17 3 3 2 18 15 2 0 7 12 19 18
15th Ebbsfleet Utd 16 2 5 1 8 8 2 1 5 9 14 18
16th Cambridge Utd 16 3 0 5 13 18 2 3 3 8 9 18
17th Lincoln 16 3 2 4 13 14 2 1 4 7 12 18
18th Southport 17 2 0 6 7 12 3 2 4 13 14 17
19th Braintree 17 2 2 4 12 17 2 3 4 14 18 17
20th Wrexham 17 2 5 2 13 12 1 1 6 10 21 15
21st Macclesfield 16 2 3 3 17 17 0 3 5 4 16 12
22nd Alfreton 17 2 1 5 7 16 0 3 6 7 18 10

06-06-13, 05:17 PM
Oh, come on ;) It was probably a mistake to choose that "life mission" :lol:

06-06-13, 08:56 PM
Bryan Adams doesn't quite add up to a Celine Dion. Maybe add Michael Buble to the annoying Canadian singers that need to be wiped out. Risking the wrath of Craig Forrest here, but has Canada ever had a decent singer ?

06-06-13, 08:57 PM
Avril Lavigne? But not add her to annoying ones ;)

07-06-13, 11:59 AM
Shania Twain? :D

Good update, surprised to get a run out on the right wing. Just as in IRL, I do well when actually played there instead of in defence :D Shame about the MK Dons match though. Ah well, focus on the FA Trophy :ok:

07-06-13, 03:44 PM
Great update, and nice team talk!


11-06-13, 05:28 PM

15-06-13, 05:47 PM
The First Journey
Chapter Six:
A December to Remember!

It was here. The last month of the year, and the date for me being in charge of Newark Athletic for six months. My goal was simple for the month – win as many matches as possible!

Straight away I was into manage mode as we had to face Luton, and with so many teams coming into contention for the title, I wanted to make sure I could choose a strong side that would make impressions! Luton were sixth, and only five points behind – whilst Hereford was only a few goals away from taking over us at second place, it mean we needed to win, and with a large amount of goals!

For this I had to choose the same eleven as last time, with only one change on the subs bench as Wood picked up an injury meaning we were going into the game with one goalkeeper.


Saturday 1st December 2012
English Conference
Luton v. Newark
(Robinson '45, Watkins '72, Fleetwood '90)(Kowalinho '2 '19, Zbimg '4)
MoM – Kowalinho

A brilliant start to the game completely ruined by a poor performance in the defence and in the second half wasted what could have easily been a simple three point game! Straight from the go, Clayton fed the ball through perfectly for Kowalinho who scored simply with 2 minutes on the clock. Hemphill then connected with Kowalinho who fed the ball in for Zbimg just two minutes later – 2-0! But after that it was the same thing, attack brilliantly, poor finishing. And as it came to the end of the first half, we looked like we could score six or even seven goals, but the retreating Zbimg held onto Spiller to hard and gave away a stupid free-kick, in which Luton used to their advantage, Watkins chipped it into the box, Gorbern headed onto goal – saved by Shepard – but only able to parry it to Robinson whose simplistic shot would make Heskey look world class!

For the second half, the defence tried it hardest, which worked, but Gobbern found Watkins in space who pounced it into the back of the net – 2-3. The attack was fast asleep, it seemed they were happy for their job to have been done. Even Hemphill, who was one of my most consistent players, seemed out of the mindset as Robinson dribbled into the box, putting a low cross in the far post for Fleetwood to score a dramatic late equaliser in extra time! All out hard work – gone.

After the game, we were told who we would be facing in the next round of the FA Trophy, which would be in January, against:


Guiseley – another easy result I thought to myself as I chilled in my bathroom stall office, when Joel Power charged into my office with a concerned face.

http://cdn.pastemagazine.com/www/articles/2009/05/04/joel%20mchale%20community%201_300x300.shkl.jpg?124 1450378

Power: You can't f:censored:ing believe this boss!
Niko: What?
Power: Hemphill went for a bicycle kick, determined to repay for his s:censored: performance against Luton, and landed directly on his shoulder as BobMem pushed against him. Silly b:censored: gone f:censored:ed up his shoulder – he'll be out for three weeks!
Niko: Ah, what the hell!

I screamed out, as I watched Hemphill being taken away to the hospital in an ambulance. Three weeks? Without the captain? Without our top assists? With only one other man available to play as the second striker, who couldn't even be arsed to go to training for most of the week?

Niko: Well, it looks like we need to make some changes for the next game.

After thinking it through, BobMem would be the captain (whose record as captain wasn't as recognisable as Hemphills) and Zannit would play behind the strikers. The Eejit, who had come back from suspension, would be on the substitutes bench in case of a needed defensive tactical switch to the team, though I had hoped that being at home as we faced Barrow would help build the sides motivation, rather then the captain on his own.


Saturday 8th December 2012
English Conference
Newark v. Barrow
(Henderson pen 5, Zbimg '22)
MoM – L. Zbimg

A disappointing match, in which we wasn't able to finish our chances, and couldn't make anything count except for a penalty in the fifth minute, which was awarded after Zbimg was collied in the air by Aldred, which Henderson coolly scored in the back of the net. A minute afterwards though, O'Toibin was forced to come off with an ankle issue, hoping for just a stubbed toe or something, on came Van der Voom, playing in a rather deeper role then he was used to when he came on.

Despite the early lead, and enough midfield control, the chances were astray with a lack of creativity – which Hemphill oozed when he was on the field! Zannit, who was his replacement, tried his hardest in his terms, but never really clicked. Luckily one play seemed eager to play with some creativity as Van der Voom dribbled the ball down the left hand side, did a Rabona cross into the box, which was headed in by Zbimg on the 22nd minute. We then decided to go for a defensive approach towards the second half, feeling that the lads had earned the result, and didn't want to tire them with another game just four days away.

For the next home game, with O'Toibin exhausted and Zannit playing as good as a bag of s:censored:, I decided to switch back to another tactic in which I had already used earlier in the season, allowing for the players to be more accustomed to the positions. With the same two forwards, I decided to push Wato onto the left side of midfield as Vasily played in the centre of the park. Henderson was still on the right, as Hemphill was still injured, and Clayton would be the bridge between the defence and the midfield.


Wednesday 12th December 2012
English Conference
Newark v. Lincoln
(Kowalinho '19, Vasily '62)
MoM – M. Clayton

Another solid performance with a solid result, a good flowing attacking performance which helped us become a consistent threat to the opposition, countering all their attacks to make them become our own – the only problem? Not being more clinical infront of goal! In total we had 10 shots, three on which was on target, two of which were the goals.

Kowalinho was a man on a mission on two regards – for a goal, and for applaudance – which he got as he took over the free kick taker in Hemphill's absence, after Hutchinson hacked down Zbimg outside the box on 19 minutes. He stepped us with confidence, powered the ball past the wall and straight into the top corner for the first goal, and the only on-target shot in the first half.

For the last goal, Clayton picked up the loose ball in the attacking third, and as the defensive play-maker, threaded it through cleanly for the on-pursing Vasily who took it in his stride and scored his first goal of the season 62 minutes played. For the rest of the game, we had opportunities, but didn't make them count as the referee finished the game, and us gaining a vital three points.

7 points out of a possible 9, wasn't bad but I wanted more! For the next game I played the same eleven, except for Clayton being rested and The Eejit having a chance of redemption for his stupid red card a few matches ago, as well as Liam being changed for Hernandez who sat out the last game. Cambridge was the opposition, who seemed destined for a lower half finish in the table – so I thought it would be a routine thrashing!


Saturday 15th December 2012
English Conference
Cambridge United v. Newark
(Vasily '26)
MoM – A. Vasily

But it wasn't. The team was still getting used to the tactical change, and once against we wasn't as clinical in front of goal as I had hoped – 10 shots all game, 4 on target. The game itself reminded that of watching a recently painted wall, waiting for it to finally dry. A painting of something elegant and beautiful, but being constructed by a dash and a dash until the final image was ready. If it wasn't for Vasily and his perfectly timed run into the box, we wouldn't have even scored! A save from a Wato shot, rebounded onto his feet and for the second time in the last two games he found the back of the net, 26 minutes on the clock.

Fore the second half, a routine change of face with Ediz coming on for Kowalinho, hoping that a resurgent piece of pace could add more for the forwards, but it didn't go as well as I hoped. One shot on target and one off, better then his partner who had four shots but only one on target. We were subdued to long shots and hopeful ones, not really making threats to add more – despite the whole team playing well – but the bright spark was always Vasily, who passed, headed, and tackled to ensure we were doing something at least!

The bus ride home to Newark was as ever loud as it was, as I sulked at the front, listening to my music and mulling over the choices I was going to make for the next game against Forest Green, who had an outsiders chance for the title. With Hereford straight after, who seemed to be the second strongest threat to our title for the league after Newport, I knew we had to go for back-to-back wins. With Hereford, I would be content with a draw, after the astonishing 4-4 draw on the opening day, but I thought to myself, surely we had grown as a squad since then?

But, halfway home from Cambridge the bus was forced to stop, with a black car blocking the road. The bus driver opened his window and cursed towards the car, but as the door opened I knew something was about to go down!


Bus Driver: Hey! What the f:censored:?

Said the angsty middle-classed family man, as the midget stumped his way to his door, before looking up and pulling out a Glock.

Midget: Didn't your mother ever told you that cursing is wrong?

He squealed with his chipmunk sounding voice, before aiming the gun at the driver's head. But before he could finish the job, the electronics in the car started to play up. The radio started to play Justin Bieber songs, then Marilyn Manson and then a duet between the two, as the bus started to bounce up and down on his four wheels, like we were some pimp-mobile, and as the bus driver's head was still hanging out of the window, the glass went shooting up and chopped his head off as quickly as San Marino conceding a goal!

Niko: Oh My Gawd! The bus killed AMC!
Midget: Metal b:censored:!

It soon stopped as the door to the bus opened, and the midget (literally) jumped on board. He hopped his way over to me, with his pistol aimed at my head.

Midget: Nikolavski Bergstrom – my leader wants to have a little word with you!
Niko: I want to have a word to the bus's maker! What is this a Fiat?
Midget: No! He was cursed. Now, come with me. It is important that you volunteer.
Niko: And why should I?
Midget: Because we want a peace offering.
Niko: Bout f:censored:ing time!

I said leaving the bus with my bag of stuff, as I left one of the lads asked me:

BobMem: And what about us? How are we going to get back to Newark without a driver?

And then....


Carly: Hey, I just met you,
And this crazy,
But here's my lincense,
So drive you, maybe?

BobMem: I'm cool with that!
Kowalinho: Hi, I dunnno how to say this, but... We'll bang, 'kay?
Niko: Wait for it...
Carly: It's hard to think right,
At this, Baby,
But while i'm here,
I'll shag you-

And as predicted!


Archibald: Boom, headshot!
Gregory: Brilliant work as usual, Archie!
Archibald: We'll do it, Greg, as long as they keep suddenly appearing!
Gregory: Archie....
Archibald: Yes, Gregory?
Gregory: It's a nice sight,
By you, Archie,
But it's murder,
So threesome, maybe?

Silent response, then...

Archibald: Maybe....

As I was escorted to the black-window tinted all I heard was Kowalinho screaming out 'Carly', and the silence that remained.


15-06-13, 05:50 PM
Damn you.... :(


17-06-13, 09:43 AM
Captain's armband, a speaking part, I must be doing something right :)

Cracking write-up, and some good results. No goals conceded in 3 matches since you switched to the more defensive set up, just need those striker fly-boys to pull their fingers out! :P


17-06-13, 09:50 AM
Am I still banned?

Or just cant get back into the match day squad?

17-06-13, 10:27 AM
Watch out Zan, if you upset Wato your player in AYTN4 might suddenly get a mysterious leg break, putting him out for 6 months :lol:

17-06-13, 10:34 AM
Zan missed it again.

But I have a long memory and will see if he enters for AYTN 5... Coming October 2013.

17-06-13, 10:52 AM
Word of advice to AMC ..... Don't become a Canadian singer !

Good to be back in the squad after that suspension. Looking forward to holding some silverware before the season is out.

17-06-13, 11:04 AM
You played the last two games, wato...

Zbing seems to be getting hacked a fair bit :D

Glad to have scored and on a run of games at the moment!

17-06-13, 11:09 AM
Oh aye.
Left wing. Didnt even look there...

17-06-13, 04:21 PM
Captain's armband, a speaking part, I must be doing something right

Cracking write-up, and some good results. No goals conceded in 3 matches since you switched to the more defensive set up, just need those striker fly-boys to pull their fingers out!


Hahahaha !

I know, scored for fun, lately turning into Heskeys :P

Zan missed it again.

But I have a long memory and will see if he enters for AYTN 5... Coming October 2013.

Stop advertising your story on mine :boxing:

Word of advice to AMC ..... Don't become a Canadian singer !

Good to be back in the squad after that suspension. Looking forward to holding some silverware before the season is out.

Trying to start a new meme on here, hope it catchyes on (hasn't so far :P)

Also, your giving me quite a headache, your guy is WAY too inconsistent :lol:

You played the last two games, wato...

Zbing seems to be getting hacked a fair bit

Glad to have scored and on a run of games at the moment!

Glad to see someone paying attention :D

20-06-13, 12:52 AM
The First Journey
Chapter Six:
A December to Remember!

I followed the small man, as he took me toward a large door which had a built-in steps so that he could reach the handle – how sweet of Ikea to do that! As I pushed open the door, I was confronted with the image of a small man awaiting me.


Midget Leader: Ah, Niko! Nice to finally meet the legend himself!
Niko: It's has been too long....

I said, smirking to myself as I heard what I had said.

Midget Leader: Indeed it has. My name is Derek Winston Arf, but most call me Winston or Arf for short.
Niko: So Arf for short?

I said, smirking once more as I noticed that his name with initials meant: D.W.Arf.

Winston: Yes, but let's not ignore the reason why you are here. Myself, and my fellow assassins, have came to the conclusion that it is best to our interests if we put an end to this rivalry between ourselves and you. Too many have been killed on both sides!
Niko: Both sides? I am still here! I kick your tiny asses everytime you 'try' and kill me!
Winston: I have meant your allies? The ones called AMC?
Niko: Nah, I’m used to them. Sometimes they can be quite trivial, sometimes stupid, and sometimes quite canonical! So you see, it's really myself as the ultimate bad-ass!
Winston: Allright then. Let's reserve the 'winners' and 'losers' titles, and get down to business. After all, this is only a small matter!

I snickered once more.

Niko: Sure, we don't want to jump into conclusions or assumptions now! I am kind of short of time, and need to spend a minuet of time away from my job!
Winston: Indeed!

He agreed, ignoring all my little jokes with my speech.

Winston: I am not going to beat around the bush – but there is a clan of personal who disagree to our truce. They want your blood! They once fought you before, do you remember a group called Midgets Are Really Kwl?
Niko: MARK? Yeah. They after me? Idiots! They have to be really small-minded to go after me with my track record!
Winston: Yes, they are indeed! So, I want to make sure you are aware that I am not responsible for these attacks? They are being ordered from a different crazed Midget!
Niko: Gotcha Ya!
Winston: Okay, please let my assistant down!

He said, as I grabbed the little man who was walking towards the desk. All I wanted was a pot of gold!


Niko: Sorry, I thought MARK was trying to do a sneak attack!
Winston: Good to see your instincts are alert!
Niko: Yep, they are always alert!
Winston: Good. Now, let's leave that at that. Do you have any questions?
Niko: Yes, I actually do.
Winston: Please ask me them! I am willing to answer any questions you might have?
Niko: Do you go for a large portion for your meals at MacDowells? Or small portion?
Winston: What?
Niko: It's something that I have always wondered! Also, do you use high chairs when you are eating there too? You know, since the tables would be too hard to sit up for!
Winston: I meant questions about the group or the possible attacks!!
Niko: Well, you should have said! Now I have all these questions in my head, about how you small guys deal with living in a normal dudes world!!
Winston: Please get out if you haven't got anything related to ask!

And so I left, the tallest person to have visited the base since it was mistaken for an orphanage by the local Catholic priest. (Man, how many times have I used that joke to describe things?)

After leaving the building, I took a taxi to my house – hearing that Riley had saved the day by getting another coach out to save the team, and then being applauded for threatening the owner of Fiat for making a s:censored: bus!


My home seemed to grow on me, as it did with Babe who seemed to be living there more then me. Though of course, there was the problem of the 'security' living in the bungalow in the garden. As the days came closer to the date of Christmas, my living room soon started to be decorated like Santa Claus's sex dungeon!

After a few days of R&R with Babe, I soon was on task with choosing the team for the next match, one of two of title contenders! The first being at home against Forest Green, which I decided to use a somewhat sense of stability by using the same squad that earned a win over Cambridge:


Saturday 22nd December 2012
English Conference Division
Newark v. Forest Green
(Kowalinho '17)
MoM – Kowalinho

The team was once again improving on the display attacking, with seven shots on goal, 4 of which was actually on target! Which meant, we had at least got about 50% on target, though it was an even half in both halves – with neither sides making any changes! Kowalinho and Zbimg were beautiful in connecting with the midfield and forwards runs, as Eejit once again impressed as the defensive man!

But it would be Henderson and Kowalinho who would be taking the accolades of the saviours of the game, as Henderson's perfect 30 yard pass from the half-way line dropped to the feet of Kowalinho, who skilfully skimmed the goal keeper before finding the net on the 17th minute. It was his seventh goal of the season, and it was a scorching piece of form for the lad that had his heart onto the foundations of love!!


As I entered the training ground on Monday, I was shocked by a piece of news that I was hearing from the captain I had been using!


BobMem: I do not think I can reach more of my potential at this level, I feel I need to leave in order to get to a level where I can be tested!

Swallowing my urge to punch him, I shouted back instead!

Niko: I only ask of all the lads to fight it out for one f:censored:ing season! And you, you are meant to be the source of leadership! An inspirational figure! And, you spill this s:censored: onto me? And two days before the Hereford game? You are lucky Hemphill is still on the mend, and that I can't sign another centre back! We have given you more then you had before the season, and now...
BobMem: So you won't accept my request?
Niko: No! You are a Newark Athletic player! You are going to be for the rest of the season, and then we can talk more based upon the club's stance at the end of the season. Okay? I will forget this whole piece of s:censored:, if you are willing to wait?
BobMem: Okay boss!!

It was a dilemna I didn't want at this point, I had the 'plan' set for Yermolai, which meant I had to delay my second plan a little later.


It was later that night, Christmas Eve. The lads had a little training session as I felt they needed an hour or two so I can see the best eleven for the task, but the party was set! It was held at the meeting room of the stadium, the sense of threatening doom no longer lingered as Babe's obsessive decoration converted the room with deckings of tinsel and stupid flashing lights, lights so bright it would make Stevie Wonder see their colourful annoying flashing sequence. It was set, Cerina had gift-wrapped the parcel, Kowalinho had given out posters which said 'Party for all Chicks' with the added 'No Fat Chicks Allowed' on Theo Eejit's orders!


He opened the gift, as the 'Dreaminator' stood giving out the 'special' sunglasses. It kept saying it was 'cool' and 'fresh' for us to wear them inside on Christmas. Yermolai grabbed the device, which looked more like a f:censored:ing pencil mixed with a vibrator then anything technologically brilliant!

Yermolai: What is this? It is not Vodka! Is it a Vodka dispenser?

He said, Cerina urged for him to press the button, as he did suddenly a beam of light flashed out of the little vibrator-pen, and soon the worst nightmare occurred!


Bieber: You better watch out!
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

The high pitched voice sent the crowd into hespanics! As another large white ball suddenly emerged out of nowhere, and suddenly a naked man emerged on his knees.


He got up, as the Bieber stopped singing in shock.

Naked Guy: Where is Andrew Matthew Connor?

Suddenly the large group of people disburse like the river Nile and Moses, with the new janitor being in the middle of the long whole in between the two groups.

AMC: That's me?
Naked Guy: Andrew Matthew Connor, follow me if you want to live!
AMC: What?
Naked Guy: I said, follow me if you want to live! I am sent from the future from an hour from now, to stop you being killed by the Canadian music serial killer, Bieber!
AMC: But, he is right there!

The naked guy turned round quickly, as if a bowl of Steroido's was behind him.

Naked Guy: Oh no! I am too late! They have sent me too late from the future to this present! Quickly, everyone go down!
Kowalinho: Okay!

Said Kowalinho, as he started to get underneath one of the girls skirts that was standing next to him, to which he slapped pretty hard. But it was too late!

Bieber: You know you love me, I know you care
Just shout whenever, and I'll be there
You are my love, you are my heart-

Suddenly he broke out into song, and as soon as he did, AMC's head exploded!


Niko: Oh My Gaw! Justin Bieber killed AMC!
Naked Guy: That b:censored:!

But as soon as that happened the saviours came, and boom! Headshot!


Archibald: Well, those stairs was really a farce wasn't it Gregory?
Gregory: Yes, indeed it was! Especially when your genitals are rotten for shagging dead corspes!
Archibald: Blimey! You have it too, Gregory?
Gregory: Yes I have, Archibald! I may have a rotten taco beater, but it certainly hasn't rotten it's appetite!
Archibald: Haha! Marvellous! Glad to hear that, Gregory, we need as much sauce as we can get – two Canadian white meat for Christmas dinner? Splendid!
Gregory: Indeed, Archibald!

They said, as everyone cheered as they grabbed the dead bodies and walked out of the room. As it quitened down, I went over to 'Dreaminator' about the whole back-fire.


Niko: What the hell was that??
Dreaminator: It was a malfunction!
Niko: Meaning?
Dreaminator: It was meant to erase the mind, but instead it read his mind to transport something that he wanted in his life, he couldn't get!
Niko: So your telling me, my billionaire boss is a fan of Canadian horny teenager?
Dreaminator: Yep.
Niko: I think I have enough leverage over him now. You can go!

I said pushing him out of the window by 'accident', to which Theo was confused about.

http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BNDExMzIzNjk3Nl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwOTE4NDU5OA@@._ V1._SX214_CR0,0,214,314_.jpg

Theo: What was that about?
Niko: He knew too much, so he kind of fell out of the window.

As I said that the other Eejit came over.

Eejit: Whaur is th' burds at? Ah want tae buck, an' bevvy, while wearin' mah lynx!
Theo: Same here man! Whoo!! Women! Marmalade and Chocolate spread!!
Eejit: Whit th' buck is wrang wi' ye? Ah saw ye eat some marmalade aff a women's cheb! ye shoods use lynx, kimmers come callin' an' fallin' at yer duir.
Theo: Hey, don't start on me!
Eejit: Whit ur ye gonnae dae abit it? flin' marmalade at me?

As they started to argue, I slowly crept out into the herds of players, when suddenly I had a telepathic moment with Kowalinho! Or so I thought. A woman, an image of one that was right in front of me, scorched my mind! A girl that seemed to be everything Kowalinho had wanted, was right there! At the same party as him! But, before I could do anything, she vanished!

I searched hard, but all I could find was a yellow umbrella that she had left.


I brought it over to Kowalinho, who had an instant reaction.

Kowalinho: Oh My Gawd! That is, how should I say this. This is what she had when I saw here!!
Niko: She was here! I know because I had some crazy psychic s:censored: happening to me!
Kowalinho: She was here?
Niko: Yes!
Kowalinho: She is in Newark??
Niko: Strangely, I think I have seen this here before. In the office.
Kowlainho: She works here?
Niko: Seems so!
Kowalinho: I... I...

He then suddenly fainted, as Vasily started hoovering around, just staring at Yermolai, as he slowly wiped a tear from his eye at the spot where Bieber was shot.

Niko: You all right?
Vasily: Yeah. I just...
Niko: You missing home? Your Russian right?
Vasily: I am half-Russian, half-English.
Niko: So you were born here? Guessing your mother was Russain and your father was English, right? See, I am Croatian. Funny thing is, all my life I feel like Finland was home. Then Belgium, now I guess I have to get used to England.
Vasily: Я не знаю, мой отец.
Niko: I am sorry to hear that.
Vasily: You understand Russian?
Niko: I know a lot. I am like a genius.
Vasily: I know very little, but my mother made sure I knew some in case I met them.
Niko: Have you tried?
Vasily: Я попробовал, и я думаю, что нашел его.
Niko: That's good. Go and speak to them then! He might miss you as much as you miss them!

He then smirked, but let just sipped his drink before leaving.

The party started to die down as the count down to Christmas was about to finish. Myself and Babe retired home, knowing that we weren't f:censored:ing around anymore – we had become something else. We spent the night talking, and it all became clearer and easier.


The next day, Boxing day, we all had to shake off the festivities as the biggest and hardest match of the whole season came to ahead! Hereford are the biggest threat to our title contendership, this match would help build us or break us. Making changes was ensured! Clayton, Ediz and O'Toibin were called into the side, as Kowalinho, Eejit and Vasily dropped to the bench. Wato would play central, were he thrived so well so far this season!


Wednesday 26th December 2012
English Conference Division
Newark v. Hereford
(Zbimg '75)(Sloan '90)
MoM – L. Zbimg

A brutally entertaining match which only lacked goals! 7 shots on target, and only 3 off – the addition of Ediz helped add a strong threat – but Hanford was constantly on alert! As was Shepard, who made it clear he wanted to keep his clean sheet run continuing! The attacks were swift and decisive, with only the right wing lacking in the finishing product! Clayton, Hoolihan, Baz and Liam were strong, as the captain showed a disheartening performance, which annoyed me!

But it was the decision to play Wato in the centre that helped us, making attacks constantly with lobs and through-balls, to which one of Zbimg was able to latch onto, and score what felt like the most important goal ever scored on the 75th minute! It was clear for the last fifteen moments – hang on! But, on the last kick of the game, a Hereford corner was taken short to Carruthers who did a low cross into the box, and the unmarked Sloan powered the ball into the back of the net – a world crashing goal, which devastated the cheering home fans.

Walking away with a point felt like a heartache, though, performance wise it felt fair. It meant that in two meetings, we had drawn Hereford twice. A rivalry had begun, and it had put more pressure on us to win our last game of 2012 – against Woking.


Woking – a team which we won 3 months earlier against on the exact date, 29th September, in a 2-1 battle at home. Both goals had come from the wingers, Henderson and Hemphill. Feeling that I needed to make only one change – Hemphill for Henderson. Henderson had proven himself clearly in his absence, but due to his assists and his set pieces ability, he offered more to the team play, and made it clear for me that he was the best option!


Saturday 29th December 2012
English Conference Division
Woking v. Newark
(Williams '58)
MotM – S. Beasant

A devastating defeat.

The attack was... sublime. With the introduction of Hemphill to the creativity, there was over 17 chances made, 12 of which were on goal! Hemphill's crosses, corners, dribbles – O'Toibin's late runs – Wato's through balls – none were taken by either Ediz or Zbimg, or Kowalinho or Van der Voom (who both came on as I got desperate!). The chances were there but the finish wasn't, and everytime it looked certain for a goal, Man of the Match Beasant was there to kick us in the face!

We had a game more then Newport, who sat in second with one point! Or Hereford, who had a two game advantage in which if both won meant they would have the same amount of points! After the final whistle, I walked out of the stadium, leaving Riley to do the business of the final talk and the media crap. I just...

I wanted to escape. I returned home with one goal on my mind, but discovered a letter awaiting for me.


“Meet me at hotel – Ling-Ling”

Decoding the stupid map, I was able to find the room number, the hotel, to seek what he had wanted.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/fb/Psy_Gangnam_Style_performs_at_Marquee,_The_Star,_S ydney,_Australia_(1).jpg/250px-Psy_Gangnam_Style_performs_at_Marquee,_The_Star,_S ydney,_Australia_(1).jpg

Ling-Ling: Nikoravski! Why do you not trust us? Why are you hiring peopre to protect you?
Niko: Not me!
Ling-Ling: Kimmy is angry, Nikoravski!
Niko: I don't f:censored:ing care! Go and eat a f:censored:ing dog!
Ling-Ling: Don't tempt us!
Niko: Do it then! I have too much s:censored: going on too care about a f:censored:ing crybaby!
Ling-Ling: We can hurt you!
Niko: Try it then!

He then started to do a stupid dance


And soon he summoned a 'beast'


Ling-Ling: Nikoravski, meet Dogzirra!
Niko: What the hell! You have got to be f:censored:ing kidding me!
Ling-Ling: No! Fear the power Dogzirra!

The 'Dogzilla' started to bark at me, in repsonse I kicked it as hard as I could, and it went flying out of the window, from the sixty stories that the room was in. I then punched Ling-Ling in the face and walked out.

Niko: I need a f:censored:ing cigarette!

I got outside, as a large crowd gather round the remains of the 'Dogzilla', I lit up and walked out to the bus-stop where I would get home and finally be able to do what I had been waiting to do for so long.


It was New Years Eve, everything I had planned was about to happen. I went to a nice resturant with Babe.


And then afterwards, we walked alongside the river-side of the Trent, as the moonlight shone down onto the water, reflecting onto our faces. As the echoes of the countdown filled the atmosphere, I stopped and looked at Babe.


Could I? Would I? Would I be able to find what I had been looking for so long?

As we entered the place where it would all happen, images of the first six months in Newark kept playing in my mind, from the first game – the dramatic 4-4 draw against Hereford, to the first time I had met the Korean jokes, to when my expensive white t-shirt was soaked in blood – it all pointed to one place, and to one person – her. As we stepped closer, the guitarust was set and ready, playing our song – Wicked Game. He strummed it, she stared in shock of what was happening.

Fireworks lit up the sky, like she lit up my living room with Christmas lights. The stars were blinded, like I was when I met her. As the strong breeze of wind crushed against our cheeks, the boat passed-by with choir singing the verses and stopped as the golden light drifted downward.

Babe: What's happening?

She asked, as I fell onto my knee. All my courage was being ripped apart, as I dug into my pocket and grabbed the box – the potential Pandora's Box of my life. Will I be able to do it?

Babe: Niko?

She questioned, as I questioned myself.

Is this right? I mean.....

Then suddenly...

Let This River.....

It all happened suddenly, and was over quickly. The heart of Gold, laid on her finger – and another tale was to be told....


************************************************** **********************************************
English Conference - Saturday 29th December 2001
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2001/2 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Newark 23 9 2 1 24 7 5 5 1 21 13 49
2nd Newport 22 6 3 1 14 5 9 0 3 20 8 48
3rd Hereford 21 6 3 2 26 17 7 1 2 21 12 43
4th Luton 22 4 3 4 12 13 8 2 1 27 13 41
5th Forest Green 21 6 2 3 17 14 5 3 2 15 10 38
6th Grimsby 21 8 1 1 22 10 2 6 3 13 13 37
7th Woking 22 6 3 2 19 12 4 4 3 19 18 37
8th Stockport 23 6 1 5 19 15 3 6 2 20 18 34
9th Barrow 22 6 3 2 16 8 3 2 6 11 17 32
10th Mansfield 22 4 4 3 13 11 4 2 5 13 14 30
11th Kidderminster 22 5 0 6 15 17 4 3 4 18 21 30
12th Telford Utd 22 4 3 4 21 18 4 1 6 11 16 28
13th Cambridge Utd 23 5 0 6 16 20 2 6 4 9 11 27
14th Gateshead 21 3 2 6 15 19 4 3 3 14 13 26
15th Southport 22 3 2 6 12 15 4 3 4 16 16 26
16th Ebbsfleet Utd 22 3 6 2 11 11 2 2 7 11 19 23
17th Wrexham 22 3 6 2 16 14 2 2 7 15 27 23
18th Hyde 23 3 5 3 24 22 2 0 10 14 27 20
19th Lincoln 22 3 3 5 15 17 2 2 7 10 20 20
20th Braintree 23 2 2 7 14 24 3 3 6 16 21 20
21st Macclesfield 22 3 5 3 20 19 1 3 7 10 26 20
22nd Alfreton 23 3 3 6 14 25 0 3 8 9 22 15

20-06-13, 09:13 AM
Eejit once again impressed as the defensive man!

He then gets dropped and we don't win again. WTF !

Love to know where this story is heading. Love to know if you know where this story is heading.

20-06-13, 09:41 AM
Catch up complete.

So glad Bieber went down. Hate that guy!

Oh and Niko and marriage? I don't know.

20-06-13, 12:10 PM
I got dropped too and we lost :( Same for Kowa, I notice. Scored the goal and then gets dropped too :lol:

20-06-13, 04:40 PM
I got dropped too and we lost :( Same for Kowa, I notice. Scored the goal and then gets dropped too :lol:

Hemphill for Henderson. Henderson had proven himself clearly in his absence, but due to his assists and his set pieces ability, he offered more to the team play, and made it clear for me that he was the best option!

20-06-13, 04:41 PM
He then gets dropped and we don't win again. WTF !

Love to know where this story is heading. Love to know if you know where this story is heading.

your giving me quite a headache, your guy is WAY too inconsistent

20-06-13, 04:46 PM
I got dropped too and we lost :( Same for Kowa, I notice. Scored the goal and then gets dropped too :lol:

Ediz has a work permit, and being both Turkish and American, means he can't get an English citenzenship. To fight for this, i have to play him from time to time so that i can have him for the next season, or can sell him if the right amount of money comes calling at the end of the season. Changes are also built upon form from the last game, fitness, and general rotation - your guy wasn't brilliant in the game before Woking, and with Hemphill being the top assists, it made it clear for me to play him instead.

Rotation means that players have oppertunities to showcase their skill, and with that form continue it into the next selection. Ediz is also the second top goalscorer behind Zbimg also, that kept swaying the pendulum :D

At the end of the season i am expecting most of the 21 players to move, hoping to hold onto at least six or seven which will be the back-bone for the next season. BobMem has already shown a desire to leave, and another player, who will remain anonymous for now, asked to leave in the next chapter.

21-06-13, 03:53 PM
I'm the pantomime villain!


*Thinks the club is a stepping stone in his career
*Shouldn't think thoughts like that if he doesn't want to alienate the fans and the manager
*Thinks the manager should pick the best XI. People who choose FGN nationalities will get what they deserve!

21-06-13, 04:50 PM
Should i be worried about my love future? Remember that girl should be from my dream not from your nightmare ;)

12-07-13, 06:11 AM
The First Journey
Chapter Seven:
New Year to Shine!

After the New Year celebrations, everyone at the club seemed optimistic about the next month, looking to get back into game mode and take both the Cup and the League by storm. Me and Babe decided to keep the engagement a secret for now – as she starts the wedding arrangements already!

Trying not to be subdued into the planning, I told Babe to just order what she wants, as I found escapism into my job. And it wasn't long before we went from celebrating the New Year, to focusing on getting a win in a New Year! For the game, I wanted to bring a team of consistency into the side, with the same eleven starting, like they did against Woking. Due to the importance that we played in the morning, when Telford faced Hereford in the afternoon, it meant we had to win this!


For this I decided to use the same eleven that had faced Woking just a week ago. One change would be that John Wood would be called to the bench, after an absence due to injury, replacing the dropped Van der Voom.

Saturday 5th January 2013
English Conference
Newark v. Braintree

The atmosphere was tense, the crowd knew that we had to win this game, but I knew already that we would due to the fact Braintree was battling relegation – and seemed set to lose that battle! The lads walked out of the tunnel, with a seemingly hesitant step, like a female neighbour passing Charlie Sheen's house, they didn't know what would happen.

But I had faith, hope and knowledge that we would win this!


The whistle echoed in the air, and in unison, surged the crowd to get to their feet. At home, in the wet hazy morning, it was set for us to make this bleak-looking day into a glorious step towards revelation of our desired success!

Kick-off, and from the get go, we seemed set to tear into them like Call of Duty fan boy who had just been killed! Baz crossed the ball into the box, Zbimg jumped higher then his mark and headed the ball softly passed the post. Head in his hands the anguish was painted plainly for the lads to see – ambition and determination!

After eight minutes, we tried again, this time the deep playmaker Clayton chipped the ball forward, latched perfectly by the gracious right foot of Wato who simply powered the ball over to Ediz, whose header was found by the keepers hands. But like a game of ping-pong, they went straight for us! O'Connor gained the ball and crossed it to Stevens, lays it off for Dawkins, who passes it back to Stevens, who dribbles past one defender and aims for the bottom right corner but gets to Kaine Shepherd, who is denied by Clayton who lobbs the ball forward. Intense was the emotion that surged around the fans, who clapped the opposition for the unsuccessful counter.

But two minutes later, another chance for us! O'Toibin, the cheeky bastard! Skins the right midfielder, and then the right-back before a lob into the box, which was hit by a mistimed header from Zbimg! Another wasted chance! But after four more minutes, we broke the surging resistance to find the net! A free-kick given after Wato was fouled on, Hemphill was about fifty yards out, and the angle suggested a lack of a chance of a goal. So instead of a shot, he potted the ball forward past the wall and deep into the box, which was bicycle kicked into the net by O'Toibin! GOAL!! 1-0!!


The crowd had awoken! The roars charged around the stadium, like a matchstick lit to a gasoline leak! And once again, after dispossing Braintree, Clayton lobbed the ball forward which was volleyed by Zbimg who was blocked by O'Connor. It was as one sided, as a LAPD interrogation!

On the 18th minute, Hemphill dribbled past one player then shot on goal to be saved, to earn a corner. Hemphill took the proceeding corner, which was headed, once again, wide by Zbimg. It was concrete that we would score, but the only question remained: when? Chance after chance, came and it went. Played like a violin string, the tension grew with each passing moment – like a metaphor for life, it went back and forth, to having the advantage of attack to losing to another failure. Braintree seemed like a dead-end threat, but....


Baz slides dangerously in on Kaine Shepherd, penalty appeals come calling instantly, the defenders are put off as the referee ushers for the game to continue. Habergham latches onto the loose ball, shrugs of both the back-tracking Hemphill and then BobMem with a skilful dribble and drives the ball into the back of the net. 1-1. The score board laid out the enlightened score line, shining like a mocking to the teams efforts! One moment of disillusionment, one moment of hesitation – one moment of switching off – cost us the lead. And soon, the determined under-dogs bite their way into attack. 39 minutes, Shepherd charges into the box with the ball, and blasts on target only to be denied by the man in goal, Shepard!

42 minutes, Dawkin has space on the wing, crosses the ball onto Shepherd! Headed onward to goal and....



Had they done it? No, they can't! After all the hard work, but suddenly, as Shepherd celebrated faster then a teenager finding porn on the internet for the first time, the attention was on the assistant referee as he signalled for offside!!


Fantastic news for the lads! And to finish the half, we charged onward onto goal for one final time in the half, Hemphill driblling past every player challenging him, low cross into the box, Ediz unmarked and charging!! Volleys over the bar. The whistle blew, as the lads looked tired after a gruelling first half. Faces looking glum like a tomato, I charged into the locker-rooms with a message to say.

Niko: Remember what I said last time? That we are Fearless Warriors. Soldiers? Nah, I didn't see that. But I know what I saw – an alliance. A group of men, burning with desire, with hunger, with determination for trophies and goals! But, some of you aren't showing me enough out there to turn that ideal into something great. Something that will define you! You are an alliance, but individuals gathered as well. I see men who are emerged with one another, not a leader, or any characters! I WANT to see that, the fans NEED to see that and most importantly, YOU need to FEEL it! Because once you taste that sense of ability, I want it to reign through you, to conquer our opponents! To thrive onto the opportunity we have been given! Forget the other match, forget Telford, or Hereford. Remember each other coming together for one reason, remember what you want! To win! To get glory! To earn yourselves a name in this sport! Now, go out there, and earn that win!

They charged out for the second half, with no changes needed. And straight away, we attacked, Wato up to O'Toibin who lobbed it to Zbimg who was just over! O'Toibin again sending the ball forward to Zbimg who volleyed on target, saved by the keeper and winning a corner which was wasted.

Again, it was chance after chance, but it was on-target and testing the opposition! Until the 72nd minute, a throw in taken by Hoolihan found the feet of Hemphill who centred the ball before a floating cross into the box, who was headed by Zbimg into the top right corner of the goal!!!


GOAL!!! 2-1!!!

We had done it, and Hemphill earned his assist once again, after it was judged his earlier free kick was deflected off a defender. It was Lorenzo Zbimg who scored once again, earning his spot comforatbly. Ediz has failed, off he went on the 61st minute, Kowalinho was a ghost, but Zbimg was composed and scored a well deserved goal!

Braintree was depleted afterwards, and more on-slaught was on the cards with Kowalinho being denied by the keeper, but fell comfortably for Wato who drove it low into the back of the net. 3-1! And we had sealed it!!

With less than ten minutes, we sat back and took our time, enjoying the fact that we had done what was needed, and done it with style! And soon the referee blew the whistle. Man of the Match was O'Toibin, who was outstanding on the left wing!

Later we all watched as the unlikely victors Telford was able to win 1-0 against Hereford, giving us some breathing room at the top of the table. But I didn't want the lads to get too confident, as we had an away game at Hyde just around the corner. For the game it was the same team, but with Eejit reinforced to help defensive duty – his no-hesitation style would help breakdown attacks.


Saturday 12th January 2013
English Conference
Hyde v. Newark
(Wato '27, Zbimg '44, O'Toibin '48, The Eejit '52)
O'Toibin injured 78th minute
MoM – L. Zbimg

It was a terrific performance which showed no players having an off day – the celebrations were a bit mute after the injury too O'Toibin – but it seemed he would only be away for 2 weeks after our Physio look at him in the locker-room. Despite the terrific team performance, it would be Zbimg who would make the headlines in Newark as he played as good as I have ever saw him! He kept going deep to help build attacks, or to run with the ball and have a power-shot with the rebound to lay for people such as Wato in the 27th Minute.

Consistently we attacked, pressuring the home side to only 4 shots on goal, 50% missing and hitting the target, and it was because of this we was able to dispose Poole by Hooliahn, who played it perfectly to The Eejit who crossed it in which earned the second goal of the game as Zbimg charged up to beat Marshall in the air to header the ball into the back of the net with less than one minute till the end of the half.

In the second half, was started off senastationally, Wato earning a corner which Hemphill took perfectly as O'Toibin headed it in for his fifth goal of the season, three minutes played of the second half. Hemphill then played a speechless long ball over to The Eejit who, espite being told to stay deep and help defend, charged forward and headed the ball to silence the home fans – and to seal another seal of 'F:censored: YOU!' to the title contenders. Nothing occurred afterwards, except for the forced change of Henderson for O'Toibin, but we didn't really need to do anything else, only to ride the game out like being hit on by a sexually frustrated married woman – it was just going to happen at some point! And better me then anyone else- I mean us!!

After much bickering from Kowalinho, I was forced to help track down his 'dream' girl, by enquiring about the yellow umbrella of the worker at the offices of the club, of course I was sent in replacement of Kowalinho, who rather just lust in case of having a meltdown after looking at her. To track her down, I did the simple thing and arranged a meeting with the office manager.


Hot Totty: Hello Mr Bergstrom. You said you wanted to talk with me about an urgent matter that might put someone at risk?
Niko: Yes, at the Christmas party, I noticed a woman with a yellow umbrella, I was just hoping if you could identify her and give me her forms of contact?
Hot Totty: My word! I only heard of your up-coming nuptials recently, and already your after some skirt that isn't me? How dare you! I have known Babe since I arrived in Newark, about a couple of months ago, and I am shocked about that!!
Niko: WHAT??!
Hot Totty: What are you talking about? I am threatening you, that I will tell Babe about your enquiries of my employees and the possibility of you sleeping with them!
Niko: Wow! I am trying to be informed to help with other matters! If you are truly are Babe's best friend, then you know that she is gathering a group of female employees of each branch of the club's structure to do a viral video of Justin Bieber's 'Baby', as a tribute to his recent demise!

I bluffed to myself, hoping her relationship wasn't as close as it could have been. A moment silence.

Hot Totty: Shit! How wourd know, Nikoravski?
Niko: What the hell?
Hot Totty: Is my disguise, I thought it wourd be foor-ploof!
Niko: What is going on?

The woman then jumped onto the desk and pulled her skin off to reveal the same image that had been haunting my sight for a while....

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/fb/Psy_Gangnam_Style_performs_at_Marquee,_The_Star,_S ydney,_Australia_(1).jpg/250px-Psy_Gangnam_Style_performs_at_Marquee,_The_Star,_S ydney,_Australia_(1).jpg

Ling-Ling: It wasu me!!!
Niko: Great.
Ling-Ling: Get leady to die!!

And with that he did the dance once more...


Before a sudden emerged creature retruned.


Ling-Ling: Nikoravski get kirred by Catzirra!

Before I could kick it out of the window, the door flung open and Shepard emerged holding a gun.


Shepard: Sorry I’m late! I was in the middle of some calibrations.
Ling-Ling: No mattel, who you ale! Catzirra, wirr kirr arr!

And with that, Shepard aimed his gun at the A Marginally-big Catzilla, and shot him.

Ling-Ling: Oh my Buddha! You kirred AMC-zirra!
Shepard: Ungrateful b:censored:!

Shepard shouted looking at me, before holstering his weapon as Ling-Ling started to sweat more then a guy being asked by Luiz Suarez to go to his house for dinner.

Shepard: Niko, do you not know what could have happened here?
Niko: I would get to kill a cat? And add it to my list of animals killings!

I joked as Shepard shrugged off the joke, as he walked over to the shaking Ling-Ling.

Shepard: You are being hunted by very dangerous people Niko. People you don't want to piss off, like this guy!

He said pointing to Ling-Ling, who proceeded by waving his hands out in front of him, before jumping out of the window.

Niko: I guess the problem just sorted it self out then!
Shepard: Doubt it, now, why are you here anyway? Why aren't you with Babe helping with the wedding arrangements? She keeps telling me how much stress she is going through planning it! I do not like to be the shoulder to cry on, when it isn't the whore I am sleeping with!
Niko: Okay, I get it! I am here because I needed some information that would help bring morale to my team, by helping one of my players self-confidence. I was here asking for the identification of an owner of a yellow umbrella, whom I saw at the Christmas party. I have been told by this play that the owner is their 'true love', and wants to arrange a meet on Valentine's day next month at the Castle around midday. Said he would be wearing a red hat, with matching red trousers and blazer – I asked him why would he want to look like something she's used to seeing once a month.
Shepard: Well, I am willing to help you by arranging this meet with the owner of the 'yellow umbrella' – but I need to know first – is this a code for a umbrella organisation whom is now up against you? Or have surveillance you?
Niko: What the hell?No!
Shepard: Okay. I should go.
Niko: Shepard.

I said nodding as he left the room in his usually suave way – God what a renegade!

After that ordeal being dealt with, I then retired back home, where I was greeted with a car with a large bow on it....


Niko: Not a Smeggy Smart!

I said as I walked over, reading the note left on the bonnet.


In order to make sure you won't sue, I have made some contacts have given you a state-of-the-art car, a Smart car!

Be thankful, and keep on worshipping like everyone else does!

Prime Minister Simon Cowell
Asistant-to-the-Asistant-to-the-Asistant of the Manager of Disnae England

Niko: Great! So I can even get a good compo deal!

I moaned, scrambling up the abhorred note and thanking it towards the grass. Which felt towards the shoes of a random clown.


But as I closed my eyes as I scratched my confused brow, suddenly the clown shoes and the rest of it all had disappeared. I took a deep exhale, as I turned to be confronted with another strange image.


Geek: He is still waiting for you. Huginn and Munnin are everywhere. The phoenix will rise from the destruction you have built. You can't escape fate!

I stared into these geeks eyes as they spout all their shit at me. What?

Geek: Please sir listen!
Geek 2: We speak only the truth! Being an DreamCast Witness!
Niko: What?
Geek: Yes, you have heard the holy MiDi music from the 2.1 Dolby Speakers of the End Game.
Geek 2: The End Game!
Both Geeks: Gotta Be with Them All!
Niko: Okay....
Geek: Please do not feel threatened! We do not harm, but want to press your minds Power button, and insert the disc of knowledge! To be sure, we can Save on the Memory Card of life.
Geek 2: The Holy Memory Card!
Niko: Okay, if you give me the basic bullshit, then you will fuck off my property?

They just smiled like a retard in a shiny shop, which I took as a yes, either way they continued spouting their shit.

Geek: Life has levels – stages of different difficulty – to test out belief into the system!
Niko: Levels? Difficulty? Is this a fucking cult preach, or a video game sales convention?
Geek 2: This is the belief of the DreamCast Witness religion!
Geek: Yes – indeed it is! The wise knowledge!
Geeks: Princess isn't in Another Castle!
Niko: Okay, so how does this 'system' work?
Geek: You first go through the challenges on Easy, and when completed Normal, then Hard, then Harder, then Harderer, then Sega – which is the top.
Geek 2: But each difficulty has many levels that the 'Player' has to complete.
Niko: 'Player?'
Geek: DreamCast Witnesses do not feel the need to be called 'Believers' or 'Followers', we are apart of an Onlive connection with reality!
Geek 2: Connection!
Niko: Right... So how many levels are there? And what level are you guys?
Geek: There are over 150 levels on each difficulty, I, myself, am a Normal – 99, in which I completed Easy only last year after six years trying!
Geek 2: I am a level 15 – on Easy – been a DreamCast Witness for nearly a decade....
Niko: Right, so what is the shit bout social crap like?
Greek: It is simple – you are not apart of it! All food must be liquid form, so that your hands never leave your Belief controller, medical treatments are only allowed it suffers with your ability to pray to the Holy Console. You are only allowed four hours asleep. You are only allowed to come outside if you need the new, updated Holy Console, in which you need to Friend other Players, such as yourself, into our Connected community.
Greek 2: Mine is currently installing the new Patches of Confinement. Think his has been tempered by the evil Antagonist!
Niko: The anti-DreamCast?
Greek: Yes! The embodiment of EA!
Niko: RIGHT! So what is the whole bread and butter then? You know, the 'end prize' of it all?
Geek: Once you had levelled to the highest, and paid for the Downloaded Level of Contention – your name will be engreaved in the holy Credits!!
Greek 2: Credits!!
Geek: In which your Avatar will be gifted the Codes of the Holy Console, and will have Unlimited Resources in your New Life Plus.
Geek 2: Respawn!
Niko: You know, this was quite funny at first – but now, it's just a waste of my fucking time! Now, fuck off my property!!
Geek: Don't you want to Play the Game of a Lifetime? To be able to Witness the beauty of ones mind over soul and body – substances of corrupt and regret? Of emotions and relationships?
Geek 2: Of sex?
Niko: You see, I am not some unsociable dork that spends all his time wanking over images of some sort of video game character showing cleavage, and spend your time endlessly spending your days within four walls playing games whose protagonists become your escapism, their team-mates are your 'mates', their love options become your 'lovers' – a sad waste of a life which could be something grand! And you come here, and ask if I want that?
Greek 2: Yes....
Niko: Well I am sorry, I have friends. I have a job, I have a fiancιe who I am going to spend my whole life with – I think that is grander then having a name in some stupid credits!
Geek 2: But what about the Codes?
Niko: Be like everyone else, go on the internet and fucking get them for free!

I turned around and entered my house, slamming the door shot as I looked towards a rather shocked Babe.


Babe: What was that about?
Niko: You won't want to know!!

After helping her choose some stupid flowers, and other stupid things about the wedding, we called it a night – with the next day for me to venture onto the second 'challenge' of this season – which I wasn't sure was going to be 'Easy', Normal or Harder. For this away game against Guiseley, I decided to choose the strike force that I had used in the previous FA Trophy games, Van der Voom and Kowalinho, who seemed to be in a happier mood since I told him of the arranged meeting with his beautiful girl. With the injury of O'Toibin, I decided that due to the promise that he had, and due to the low level of the opposition, I used Zannit on the left wing, with Vasily coming in to replace the tired Wato.


Saturday 19th January 2013
English FA Trophy Third Round
Guiseley v. Newark
(The Eejit '8, Hemphill '90)
Van der Voom '85 injured
MoM – F. Hemphll

Oh My Friggin' God! What a fucking boring game!!

Don't get me wrong, the begging of the game was brilliant! Within ten minutes we had a goal, Eejit being fouled by Holland who was cautioned, which Hemphill took the free kick perfectly for Eejit to score 2 in 2 games, but afterwards the team seemed sorted to be more attentive to the hot chick in the stands then the game!!


Don't get me wrong, if I could get the choice of scoring again Guiseley or with that, I would hit that faster then moving Babe out of the room when John Terry entered! But, the shooting was uninspiring! As much as Zannit's contribution to the game – who has now been named as the first one to be sold come the summer window!

Come the interval, I put Wato on for Vasily, whose contribution was instantly felt, missing the target just over three minutes coming onto the pitch – but yet again there was nothing. 65 Minutes played, Henderson comes on – but didn't really add anything but defensive work rate. But when Van der Voom took a knock, that was when it just got hilarious as John Wood's second appearance for the club was to play as a striker!! Fortunately, Kowalinho was more alert up-front, when he was able to do a tremendous through ball for Hemphill for him to round the goal and seal the Man of the Match award, as well as a kick up my ass for not playing Kowalinho sooner!!

I told the team to wake up for the next game, a home game against Southport – and despite them not really being actual title contenders, if we loose this game – then they could have a significant amount of damage to our cause! For this, Henderson was playing at the left wing, as Zannit was now exiled from competeing in the first team, as well as Zbimg to replace the injured Van der Voom, in which Clayton and Ediz added to the bench after the full five choices were reinstated.


Wednesday 23rd January 2012
English Conference
Newark v. Southport
(Kowalinho '3)(Turnbull '42, Bolland '90)
Kowalinho sent off '86
MoM – BobMem

A woeful day at the Fearless Palace. Kowalinho and the lads seemed set to make another simple thrashing, Henderson's cross met with the foot of Kowalinho's boot just 3 minutes into the game! But, the chances just got worse and worse afterwards! Wider, and wider – it seemed like the lads thought they were playing rugby and going for fucking conversions!

The game was utterly boring, 10 shots in whole for both teams combined, which six were us. If it wasn't for the defensive partnership of BobMem and Hoolihan, I would have thought the back of the net would take more balls then Miley Cyrus's mouth! But Bolland's chipped ball still found it's way to Turnbull who scored his fifth of the season 42 minutes on the clock.

The Eejit taken off after a disappointing performance with Clayton coming on, who showed how it was done! No disrespect to Eejit, his recent performances have been sensational, but his consistency lacked all season! As the game continued, the lads seemed more defensively strong, so I told them to hold off and go for the draw, attacking with counters if possible to try and nick a goal – but the eager and aggressive Kowalinho felt a free-kick was too harsh on the 85th minute – pushing their Oscar winning defender Ruby over and leaving us with ten men in less than four minutes to play. On game Wato for Vasily, hoping he can bridge the gap between the void in attack and midfield without hurting the defence – but in the end it just didn't work. Lesham was giving to much time on the wing, and drove the ball inward for Bolland to tap into the back of the net for his first goal of the season. And straight after the whistle was blown. A huge dent now laid in front of us.

Newport was next, the second in the table and only a short amount of points to change that. Another loss or a draw would mean the advantage we once had would be shattered! But before that, the draw for the Fourth Round of the FA Trophy occurred, in which we would play:


Farnborough, another easy feat to face in a month which it's significance seemed to hinder a lot more then before! Farnborough had beaten both Braintree and Cambridge to face us, meaning that we shouldn't write them off – but I just wanted to turn my attention to the next game!


The atmosphere was grim – so tense, as if a dead body was in the corner of the room. We had beaten them earlier – 1-0 at our ground – but that's when the sense of belief rang into the lads heads. When the team wasn't wrung onto the expectations they had set with a high flying start – where the eyes of the jury wasn't formally set, as the judge clutched onto his hammer, not ready to adjudicate the fate that we were to face!

We were the young guns, facing the more mature and harden veterans. The manager was 43 years old, 18 years older then myself – about the same distance between himself and the average age of the whole team! Old enough to be Henderson's father (a massive 28 years difference!), just making the pressure sink worse. For the team selection, I wanted the best I could! Liam came in for Hernandez, Wato come on for Vasily, hoping that those changes could spur the lads into over-drive and bring inspiration into their feet!


Saturday 26th January 2013
English Conference
Newport v. Newark
(Charles '65)(Wato '18)
MoM – I. Yakubu

Not going to beat around the bush – the match was so anti-climatic it felt I was watching the ending of Unbreakable again! The tense build up, the feeling of the whole season riding on us – to be displayed by a piss poor performance that wouldn't even make the most drugged up Brazilian commentator to stay awake.

To say there was a specific collection of players that performed well enough to just be able to be given that accolade, with the star players being Eejit and Zbimg, with honourable mentions of Hemphill, Wato, Baz and Shepard – along with sub Ediz who replaced the lacklustre Henderson on the 69th minute (Theo Eejit's favourite number) and made more of an effort then the others. If it wasn't due to the alertness of Wato to pounce of the rebound off a Zbimg's shot then we wouldn't have been able to score the goal.

The atmosphere as Charles scored on 65 minutes was like being soccer-punched in the stomach. My ribs hurt, and my head just went blank. I couldn't have done any more then I did. The draw was due to the players, and just them.

The next day, was the day in which I wanted to punch someone!! I was in my office as usual towards the end of the month, and after all the games being played, when the now-egotistical Kowalinho dropped a bombshell.


Kowalinho wanted to leave? Yermolai himself rejected it, because it was so shocking!

Kowalinho: Now I have found my 'dream' girl, I do not need to be here! I know Arsenal are scouting me, and that is the kind of club I should be playing for, now I have my dream girl, I should be playing for a dream club!
Niko: After everything I have done for you? Professionally as well as personally?
Kowalinho: I am, how can I say this..... Sorry. I have ambitions for a bigger club, and I do not think Newark is big enough.
Niko: Come near the end of the season, I will look over the options I have. If you feel the same way, and are determined, plus if Zbimg, Ediz or Van der Voom are willing to stay then we will try to work something out.

He exited the building, leaving me in an ounce of confusion. Out of all the players, all the strikers, I would have thought Lorenzo who was scoring goals for fun, or Ediz who was being played rotationally, or Van der Voom who was being dropped like a Geek with a weight. As the month came to an end, I awarded The Eejit his Young Player of the Month award, and started to plan for what was becoming a dramatic last few months of the season.

************************************************** **********************************************
English Conference - Saturday 26th January 2013
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2012/13 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Newark 27 10 2 2 28 10 6 6 1 26 14 56
2nd Newport 27 7 5 1 19 9 9 0 5 22 13 53
3rd Hereford 26 6 5 2 29 20 8 1 4 24 16 48
4th Forest Green 27 7 3 3 19 15 6 4 4 19 16 46
5th Grimsby 25 10 1 1 27 13 2 8 3 18 18 45
6th Luton 26 5 3 5 13 14 8 3 2 29 16 45
7th Woking 26 8 3 2 24 15 4 5 4 22 26 44
8th Stockport 26 8 1 5 25 17 4 6 2 21 18 43
9th Barrow 27 7 4 2 18 9 5 2 7 16 20 42
10th Mansfield 27 6 5 3 21 16 5 2 6 14 17 40
11th Telford Utd 27 6 3 4 23 18 4 3 7 15 21 36
12th Cambridge Utd 27 7 0 6 19 21 2 7 5 10 13 34
13th Macclesfield 27 6 5 3 33 22 2 4 7 18 31 33
14th Wrexham 27 5 6 3 20 15 3 3 7 23 33 33
15th Kidderminster 27 5 2 7 24 28 4 4 5 21 25 33
16th Southport 27 3 3 7 15 19 5 3 6 20 21 30
17th Ebbsfleet Utd 26 4 7 2 13 12 2 3 8 14 23 28
18th Gateshead 27 3 3 8 16 22 4 3 6 16 19 27
19th Lincoln 26 4 4 5 19 20 2 3 8 14 25 25
20th Hyde 27 3 6 4 27 29 2 0 12 15 33 21
21st Braintree 27 2 2 9 17 32 3 3 8 17 25 20
22nd Alfreton 27 3 4 7 17 29 1 4 8 11 23 20

12-07-13, 06:19 AM
Sorry for delay, hope to get the other one done ASAP.

Enjoy and comment, as always loved reading your guys replies ;)

12-07-13, 08:12 AM
When is my Scotland cap coming ? 2 goals and (I think 2 assists) I think they'll be calling him Leonel Who ? before the season is out !

*Thinks Kowanlino is a big girls blouse that who's too big for those clown shoes

Baron Zbimg
12-07-13, 09:24 AM
* Hopes Kowalinho will learn from his mistakes !

12-07-13, 09:55 AM
Gets his girl, gets sent off, costs the team a point and wants to leave? Get that bad man out of here :D

12-07-13, 11:20 AM
Dropped in to say i am currently writing the next two right now (Feb and March are always connected together), one half hopefully put later this evening, with the other half being finished for tomorrow/sunday or Monday some point. It depends largely on other things that might occur due to Uni shit. Season nearly ending, so maybe a few surprises might be on the cards?

Stay Tuned ;)

Baron Zbimg
12-07-13, 11:41 AM
Great! Let's finish the opposition ! Crazier story around, keep it going!

12-07-13, 12:33 PM
* Prefers Spain or Italy than London :D
* If not needed will move out... but if really needed will stay
* And i'm not making problems about girl, you make my story like Ted from HIMYM :D

12-07-13, 05:30 PM
The First Journey
Chapter Eight:
Love nor-

With the sudden and shocking revelation of Kowalinho's decision, it made my working relationship with him to be somewhat hesitant. How could a man be friendly to someone who is telling them he is willing to draw an arrow on his back? But before I could even annonce or discuss the team who would be playing February, I was ushered to Yermolai's office to discuss the transfer policy for next season.


Yermolai: Ah, Nikolavski! It has seemed to be a long time ago since I first had you in my office, and weeping like a pesky inhuman baby! Too think that I have such power in my hand, to wield if you fail me is grand!
Niko: Look Yermolai, you wanted me here to discuss about next season's transfer policy?
Yermolai: Yes indeed. You are someone who doesn't beat around the bush, right? Ha! Anyway, we predict that most of the players that we have now will leave, with both Bobmem and Kowalinho wanting to go sooner then later – both important players – but with that means you have to gain replacements, and ones that will play to the next level – of course we will not be in this league, come next season correct?

He finished with a question, staring down at me with a glass of vodka in his hand.

Niko: Hopefully not. So, what's your point?
Yermolai: Well, I want to have to not invest large amounts of MY personal money into this club, that is what! That is why, you must only sign players on Bosman. And can only buy players if the club can gain an investment over £5 million, in which you can spend 1/5th of. So if you can £10 million, you can have £2 million, £12 million, you can have £3 million. But! I do want some heritage at this club! I want some players to stay here!
Niko: You do know I have rejected bids from club for players already? Sulonen has been touted to go for ages, and because you won't, one of my closest players at the club is now pissed at me!
Yermolai: Nikolavski. You make friends, which turn to enemies, which are killed by other enemies – like a certain old friend/foe of mind, you murdered in cold blood!
Niko: Whatever. I got it, now can I go back to managing this football team. I have two competitions to win, and it isn't going to be easy if I am camped up here for the next year.
Yermolai: Okay.

He replied, sitting in his chair like a pimp as he drank his Vodka. But as he laughed at my hurried stature, something was going to happen soon. I could feel that something was looming in the air which he, nor me, would be expecting. When I was finally able to get back to work, Kidderminster wasn't exactly a fortress team – as we had already beaten then 1-3 in September, but with the FA Trophy Fourth Round just next, with the extreme likelihood we could be facing either Newport or Hereford in the next round, I wanted to put out a side which would warrant a good thrashing!

Despite his plea to leave the club, I decided to carry on using Kowalinho as he is the third most lethal striker we had – and with the re-introduction of O'Toibin, who comes back from injury – it was the exact team that had faced Kidderminster in September, only more desired to win!


Saturday 2nd February 2013
English Conference
Newark v. Kidderminster
(BobMem '9, Zbimg '55 '74)
MoM – L. Zbimg

A spectacular performance from the top goalscorer who earned his fifteenth and sixteenth goals of the season! Fuck Kowalinho, who has yet to score even ten! If I could keep Lorenzo and Ediz, then I am set for next season!! Beautiful creative attack, as reminded of the first months of the season. It was as if the clock had been reset, the team seemed to be rejuvenated!

Hemphill's corner helped BobMem to seal his first goal of the season, as he used his jumping skills to power the ball into the back of the net for the first goal! For the rest of the half, the chances came in intervals between one another but each attack had attacking flow that would make the River Trent look like a puddle of spit!

And the source of the attacks? It was the captain! Constantly being a menace with his set pieces and great passing, one of which was passed to Kowalinho who laid it simply for Zbimg who thrashed a volley into the back of the net: an assist for Kowalinho and the fifteenth goal of the season! For his second, it was O'Toibin who did the assist! Collecting the ball from The Eejit from the half-way line, dribbling into the open space on the wing and floated the ball in for Zbimg to header into the back of the net. Maybe his could hit the 30 goal mark if he can score more? That I what I thought, as drool started to fall from my lips with that thought.


Though the fans sang his name – Lorenzo and co were set on the next task, well expect Kowalinho who had a match ban against. Ediz was on the bench with Henderson and Wood to make the three man bench, as Van der Voom played alongside Zbimg – meaning that both forwards would be left-footed!


Saturday 9th February 2013
English FA Trophy Fourth Round
Farnborough v. Newark
(Winn '52)(Van der Voom '2 '57, Zbimg '5 '74)
The Eejit Injured '39
MoM – L. Zbimg

Once again it was another sensational performance from Lorenzo who sealed yet another brace. Van der Voom should he still has some contention for a starting position within this season, and maybe could have a larger role come next season? But to be honest, it wasn't as narrowly one sided as I would have wanted, nor expected.

From the get go the team worked well with one another, Baz and Eejit passed the ball through the oppositions midfielders which gradually fell to Wato who did a nice lob towards Van der Voom, who stabbed the first dagger into the back of the net, with just two minutes on the clock. It then took another three minutes for Zbimg to cheekily chip the ball over Matic for the score to be 2-0.

Nothing else important happened except the injury to Eejit, who was replaced by Henderson, with Wato dropping further into the defensive area, Hemphill playing central as Henderson sat on the right wing. Unfortunately, Hemphill, who had a good first half, couldn't seem to break into the mould of the new position, and his effectiveness wasn't as strong as it normally was on the right hand side of the pitch.

Surpringsly, it was Farnborough who took the first blood in the second half, with a ferocious right footed shot from outside the box, which not even Buffon could have saved! Ashley Winn gave his non-league side some kind of false hope – idiots! As it took only five minutes for Van der Voom to latch onto Zbimg's cross and make it 1-3. It was another 17 minutes before Henderson found Zbimg, to make it four goals in two games.

After this, I wanted the lads to be straight on point the next game, with Eejit out for the next month and with the draw coming just the next day, I wanted to have a comfortable two months so that when it came to my birthday, I will be able to relax in a nice manner in which means I could actually celebrate a nice and calm birthday!

But it wasn't that easy with Babe stressing over the wedding which was going to be dated in July.


Babe: (On telephone) What? Now I wanted to have red ones, so that it matched the red roses – which Niko gave me for our first date because he said: “it reminded him of my hair!” Of course I want to be romantic. It's my Wedding! No I don't want to be dressed as a Lady Gaga tribute! Why? Because I am not a piece of meat, and I don't want to wear a piece of meat on my Wedding day! Okay. Yes, it was nice to speak with you, Nana. Can't wait to see you either. Bye.

She fell exhausted onto my lap after throwing the phone, as I watched what British people called 'daylight TV' – someone called Jeremy Kyle? On it was some of the weirdest actors in the world, trying to portray some kind of sick and freakish characters in which are like a Greek tragedy – the evil one comes on and exits one side, while the good one always comes on the other side.


Jeremy: Hello I am Jeremy Kyle, like you didn't already fucking know that you pieces of fucking scum! I judge you because I am rich and your not, your little hobo-bitches! Right, the lowest form of life we have on today's show is a monstrous c:censored:! Hey, you fucking slags can't think that – because you haven't got the cue cards, or the dildo up your arses like I have! Now, let's bring out this AMC!

The fans jeer him, let they know him as the presenter sits in a chair which looks like it is made of out of human bones, with the 'leather' pillows looking to be made out of human skin.

Jeremy: So, what is the fucked up meaning of your life?

AMC: Right, I admit cheating on my bitch, right?
Fans: Boo!
AMC: Shut up! You don't know me, you don't know me, right? You fucking wankers, go suck a moles tit, tight ass shit fucks.
Jeremy: Hey! Only I get to shout and abuse the audience, you speckled of dust of rotten sperm! Know, shut the fuck up your zombified minions of my stretched asshole! Let that pile of vomit spout it's utter scum!

The crowd went suddenly silent, as Jeremy turned round and nodded to the guest.

AMC: Well, yeah I admit it. But you know why I called in? It's because that shit that was in that cup, which I thought was literally shit, right? Wasn't actually shit! So I had these two girls, who I have been banging for like, like a really long time, right? And it took me ages to convince 'em to eat this shit, but when they did, it wasn't shit, it was chocolate fudge!
Jeremy: That whore! Now tell these morbid fucks why that is so bad AMC? WHY IS IT SO BAD??!!
AMC: She once had a love child by chocolate spread, but lost in during birth.

He said holding back tears like it was something sane to hear about. At that moment, the door bell rang. Pushing the now sleeping Babe off my lap, and substituting my lap for a nice plumpy cushion, I stalked my way over to the door, where I saw a peculiar image.


Niko: And what the hell is the reason why this is outside my door?
Niko: (thinking) Maybe this is the Koreans next attempt to try and hurt me, with Barronzirra!

I quickly grabbed my keys and attempted to burst the balloon, but no matter the amount of force I pushed onto the throw, it bounced back, as if it was smirking at me – what the hell was this?

Then there was a note.

You can burst every bubble, No matter how hard you try.
– Him

Niko: What the hell does that mean?

And then suddenly I felt a little deja vu, and suddenly an annoying sounding band started to emerge from my cemented driving way.


Nickelback: And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I-

And then suddenly they stopped when they saw a green object being thrown their way.

Chad Koregor: Ah, what's this then? An apple?

He said to himself, how in the world this guy got Avril Lavigne I don't know! As he bit into the 'apple' it exploded and kill him and his stupid Canadian band-mates with a toxic gas. Lurking in the bushes emerged the usual problem makers.


Archibald: Oh lucky Gregory, we have enough to feed the whole family!
Gregory: Can I have the heart of that blonde one, Archibald?
Archibald: Indeed you can. I am guessing your going to give it to your Valentines.
Gregory: Oh, you know me so well Archie!
Archibald: I bet I can guess who it is as well!

He said, as the more metrosexual posh hunter came closer, but before he could utter a single word, his head suddenly exploded all over the more closest homosexual posh hunter.

Archibald: Gregory? Is that your brain that's all over me, or are you happy to see me?

He said, in a twisted joke, as he fell onto the floor grasping the remains.

Archibald: Oh my Gawd! The irony is somewhat clear when I start to think about this!

As he screamed that, the gunman started to emerge from the side of the house.


Shepard: Niko.
Niko: Shepard.
Shepard: Looks like I came here just in time. Would've come sooner, but was in the middle of some calibrations.
Niko: Look I wasn't in any danger, okay?
Shepard: Really? I just was able to watch the security cameras, and not only is Babe not had her period yet, but she could have been kidnapped or harmed if they were a more strategical operation.
Niko: Wait. How did you know she missed her period?
Shepard: I have cameras all over your house – and I mean ALL OVER. Anyway, what matters is that I am here and I am assuming direct control of the security of you and your fiancιe.
Niko: But I’m Croatian, not Canadian? They only hunt, shag and eat Canadian corpses! Seems like you have bad intel.
Shepard: Damn, loose ends!

He said, before shooting the crying man, who had started to feast on his former lover.

Shepard: There you go, that should deal with it. Put the bodies in the Body Waste Bins tomorrow, and it's done. I should go. Niko.
Niko: Shepard.

I said nodding back to him, as he walked towards his small secluded little bungalow, leaving the smelling corpses for me to deal with.

Niko: Meh, the neighbour's dog will probably just eat the corpses, get poisoned by the toxins and then die. Would show that bastard to not to shit on my lawn!

I said, walking into the house, pushing over the animal balloon in the process, and being able to catch the last part of the TV show.


Jeremy: So are you going to tell him, or should I, you whore. You little five pence an hour prositute, who has had some many STD's it like nuclear fallout zone down! No wonder your chocolate baby died!
Woman: Okay, okay! AMC I have been lying to you all this time! You have thought that I was a woman but in truth I am not. I'm....

She then pulled off her false skin to show a true horror.


Louie: I'm Louie Spthencthe!
AMC: Right, what the fuck, right?

AMC then turned towards the jar of Chocolate spread beside him.

Jeremy: Hey, you fat little cockle of a scrotum! I do not tolerate any 'ism's' on my show, that isn't being said by me!
AMC: Ah, go fuck yourself Jeremy! Right?

He said grabbing the chocolate spread, and throwing it towards him, in which he dodged and one of the audience members caught, throwing it back at him, which went straight down his throat. Louie seemed quite turned on, as he chocked on the large chocolate object in his mouth.

Jeremy: Oh My Gawd! Chocolate Spread killed AMC!
Monotone Audience: That B:censored:!

After that, I just turned it off and just went to bed.

Of course I still had three games of the month, all of which I wanted to win and hoped that Newport would finally fuck up to give us breathing space in the league! For this, Kowalinho replaced Van der Voom, Clayton replaced the injured The Eejit as Hernandez and Sulonen joined Wood, Ediz and Henderson on the bench.


Wednesday 14th February 2013
English Conference
Grimsby v. Newark
(Pearson pen 22' '53)(O'Toibin '74, Zbimg '84)
MoM – D. O'Toibin

A disappointing result on paper but a good and fair result in the overall game, where some crappy defending and individual performances let down the whole team. For the first 20 minutes it was a good back and front game, open end to end, like Paris Hilton on a Saturday night, but only one minute later Liam pushed too hard onto Cook in the penalty box in which Pearson stepped up to the plate and easily gave Grimsby the lead. The whole performance was a demolition at the back, as they attacked off counters and the nerves of the players – for the first time, they were the ones under pressure this month. It was the same thing, Grimsby attack, attack and attack – with us have the odd moment with possession.

Half time came, and Ediz comes on, with Kowalinho coming off (I guess his mind was more orientated on the 'meeting' tomorrow then the game!) to try and turn the game around, but the outlets were keep trying but it wasn't a complete team effort. And Grimsby once again took advantage of this by going past O'Toibin on the wing, and crossing it over to Pearson who was as free in the box as Tom Cruise's closet. He then powered home what seemed to be the sealer, but I didn't give up hope.

64 minutes, the one change I had mulled over at half-time, Sulonen for Wato, who had his worse game in a Newark Athletic shirt, and instantly there was a change of pace, and a change of fortune. O'Toibin has found a friend! Someone he could work off in the centre, and he started creating attack after attack, some failing, some so close to getting that vital goal. And he finally did, as the Hemphill low cross surged into the box, he charged in field and slid into the ball to poke it into the back of the net with fifteen more minutes to play. And ten minutes later, O'Toibin was the one crossing the ball into the box with Zbimg being the one to seal the equaliser and the so vital point gained!! Man of the Match was well deserved for the little Irish winger, who has only improved as the season went on.

The next we were told who we would face in the Semi-finals of the FA Trophy, all of the teams were in the Conference and it would be played over two legs which would make it a more difficult test of the teams endurance and strength. Newport, Hereford or Stockport awaited, and we got.....



The team who we are trying to battle in the Conference title is the same team we would be facing in the Semi-Finals! Though one battle being more direct then indirect, but we had the advantage, winning 1 out of the 2 matches we had, with the other one being a 1-1 draw. If we could reclaim the same results, we would be able to go through to the Finals.

Due to it being the days of love, I decided to take Babe to a nice meal at a restaurant called ZiZi's. The restaurant which just so happened to be the opposite of the Castle, where Kowalinho would finally meet the 'dream girl' who had made him go for the 'ambitious' side of his career, and it just so happened my reservation wasn't for another half an hour, enough time to stalk about the situation.

I watched as the nervous Polish striker awaited for the girl with the yellow umbrella, as instructed. He waved to every passing girl, and then pretended to scratch his back when they didn't wave back – subtle... not! But after an hour wait, the yellow umbrella emerged from the large crowds, and as the vision of the face emerged, I was shocked!


It was a bloke!

Kowalinho had fallen for a bloke!!!

Kowalinho's Love: Excuse me are you Kowalinho?
Niko: (thinking) Yes he is, hahahaha!
Kowalinho: Maybe, depends why you ask?
Kowalinho's Dream Beauty: I was told that a person wearing a large amount of red would be waiting for the owner of this Yellow Umbrella, is that you?
Niko: (thinking) Yes! Better get the Wedding arranged for a double Wedding, Kowalinhos just speechless! Hahahaha.
Kowalinho: Maybe.

After an intense star and sigh, the man with the Yellow Umbrella thrusted a fancy written letter into his arms.

Kowalinho's Weird Love: This is from the owner, unfortunately she is at an important convention. Her Family are celebrating their grandmother's living for another dead – of course they want the old bat to crook, so they can get EVEN MORE richer!
Niko: Wait, what?
Kowalinho: So, your not the owner? And, she is wealthy?
Butler: Indeed. She is related to some of the richiest people in the world, of course I cannot for public safety tell you who.
Kowalinho: And, she really wanted to meet me?
Butler: Yes. She remembered a fond looking boy at the airport also. Though, she didn't put enough tracking into it like you have.

This can't be!

Kowalinho is going to hump a rich bitch who he glanced at an airport? Fuck Karma is a fucking bitch. With that I went back to ZiZi's and waited for the meal – it went well, but the sex afterwards was awkward – guess it's better not to order hot food when shagging someone on a table.

The next game was Mansfield at home. Wanting to carry on the form, changes were needed to be made to ensure that we wouldn't have a repeat result of last time! Ediz was called in as Richie Rich dropped to the bench, as was Wato with Sulonen taking his place.


Saturday 16th February 2013
English Conference
Newark v. Mansfield
(Ediz '58)
MoM – L. Zbimg

It was a simple one goal win, with Lorenzo taking the plaudits by gaining himself an assist as Ediz scores his first goal in a while! The fact we have 6 shots on target and 6 off, showed that the team was exhausted and lacked the attention to make it really count when it mattered! But, it was a three points and was one game from the end of the month.


What a turbalent month, and to end it off I would have to face could-be Trophy finalists Stockport, which made it more important that we would win, as well as the perfect performance. Wato came in for Sulonen, with Vasily marking the bench. It was the same team otherwise that won the least game against Mansfield, so I was ready!!


Saturday 23rd February 2013
English Conference
Stockport v. Newark
(Nolan '21)(Zbimg '24 '41 '73)
O'Toibin Injured '39
MoM – L. Zbimg

We started off really late getting into the game, allowing Holden to find Nolan to get the first blood before O'Toibin did a beautiful curling cross to Zbimg who equalised on the 24th minute, just three shy of the opener. And we threatened more through Wato, but his shot was blocked. But then tragedy struck as O'Toibin was taken down and had to be taken off, which he was replaced by Henderson. He had helped us back into he game and Hemphill seemed to be in No Man's Land, but luckily Henderson was on tune as he lobbed the ball forward perfectly for Zbimg to score his second.

And from leaning from the consistent failures of attacks in the second half, Henderson dribbled past one player in the counter for a beautiful throughball to the unmarked Zbimg who seal his hat-trick! And sealed the three points!!!

We had done enough this month for being undefeated with myself getting my third Manager of the Month award, Lorenzo Zbimg getting Player of the Month (following the one he won in September), and O'Toibin getting Young Player of the Month meaning that with Eejit's win, we had back-to-back Young Player of the Month awards for two of our players! Wanting to carry on, I hoped that we could remain undefeated into April – but only time could tell.

************************************************** **********************************************
English Conference - Thursday 28th February 2013
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================================================== ==============================================
2012/13 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Newark 31 12 2 2 32 10 7 7 1 31 17 66
2nd Newport 31 9 5 1 24 11 11 0 5 28 14 65
3rd Hereford 31 6 7 2 30 21 9 1 6 31 22 53
4th Luton 31 6 3 6 17 18 9 5 2 35 21 53
5th Grimsby 31 11 4 1 34 18 2 8 5 19 21 51
6th Woking 31 10 3 2 30 16 4 6 6 27 34 51
7th Forest Green 31 8 3 4 24 20 6 5 5 20 20 50
8th Barrow 31 9 4 2 23 12 5 2 9 17 25 48
9th Stockport 31 9 1 6 28 21 4 7 4 22 22 47
10th Mansfield 31 7 6 3 22 16 5 2 8 15 21 44
11th Telford Utd 31 7 3 5 27 22 5 3 8 18 23 42
12th Cambridge Utd 31 8 1 6 24 24 3 8 5 12 14 42
13th Kidderminster 31 6 3 7 28 31 5 4 6 23 28 40
14th Wrexham 31 7 6 3 23 16 3 3 9 24 37 39
15th Macclesfield 31 7 5 4 35 25 2 5 8 20 34 37
16th Ebbsfleet Utd 31 7 7 2 22 16 2 3 10 14 26 37
17th Gateshead 31 5 3 8 18 22 4 4 7 18 22 34
18th Southport 31 3 3 9 15 21 6 3 7 23 24 33
19th Alfreton 31 4 4 8 22 32 2 5 8 15 24 27
20th Braintree 31 2 3 10 20 38 5 3 8 23 27 27
21st Lincoln 31 4 4 8 19 28 2 3 10 16 30 25
22nd Hyde 31 3 7 5 27 31 3 0 13 18 38 25

12-07-13, 05:40 PM
* Thinks he can stay at club for next season :)
* Need to focus on training

12-07-13, 07:44 PM
Brilliant update! And a first goal for BobMem!!
Just can't seem to shake Newport, surely they have to f*ck up sooner or later?

Baron Zbimg
12-07-13, 08:39 PM
Yeah Newport are annoying cunts. Some nice metaphors once again, and I have to admit I can't ignore the fact that I'm awesome !!! Premier League scouts must be sneaking around the stadium, take care of those !

Will you let us have a look at our atts at one point ?

Brillant, keep it going !

14-07-13, 01:21 AM
Yeah Newport are annoying cunts. Some nice metaphors once again, and I have to admit I can't ignore the fact that I'm awesome !!! Premier League scouts must be sneaking around the stadium, take care of those !

Will you let us have a look at our atts at one point ?

Brillant, keep it going !

At the end of the season, where people come in (spoiler :P) and go.

Niko will state his points of each player with a list of who he wants to stay in one of the next chapters (haven't started the next one yet: high on legal high Rapture and drunk for the last two nights so it would be like listening to a drugged up Peter Griffin :P).

So yeah, and your guy is one of the few players i want to keep, though i think Van der Voom would relish in the role of the first choice striker if your guy was to leave.

15-07-13, 10:29 AM
Good to see I'm playing well from the bench. Lucky escape for kowa with that bloke :D

And AMC's death was bizarre!

15-07-13, 12:43 PM
Didn't say what my injury was, but I'm guessing a delayed nose bleed as I crossed the half way line in the previous game.

Quality update !

19-07-13, 09:04 AM
The First Journey
Chapter Eight and A Half:
Love Nor Glory

After a month of being undefeated, and in which the team annihilated the monthly awards, it seemed so clear that we needed to expand on the progress we had started to make so far in March, in order to finally be released from the clutches of Newport's grasp – and with them standing in the way between us getting into the FA Trophy Final – I was inspired more then I had ever been before!

Due to the transfer restrictions which was put on me as well, I started to look into the players which I would be able to get for next season on a bosman. Not wanting to put to much animosity in the air, I decided it would be best to wait for a while before I announced who the club was looking to sign, as it might cause some tension with the players.

After only two days of the month passed, we had a match against Ebbsfleet, whom we drew the first time that we went against at their ground – and with Newport only having a point difference with ourselves – it meant we had to be ready to give it our all! And after coming off the 3-1 win over Stockport I wanted to have the same players, with both Eejit and Liam injured – Eejit still injured from his strained ankle ligaments and Liam spraining his wrist – it meant that Jose Hernandez would be playing at right-back and that Van der Voom would be placed onto the empty space on the bench.


Saturday 2nd March 2013
English Conference
Newark v. Ebbsfleet
(Zbimg '3 '19 '45, Hemphill '27)(Enver-Marum '67)
MoM – L. Zbimg

Another terrific performance from Zbimg earned a most deserved three points, and another Man of the Match award for the prolific young Italian, who kept making impressions. It was a simple pass from Hoolihan which unleashed the pursuing Zbimg, who charging as fast as a pimp when his bottom bitch was offering freebies! He calmly took the opportunity with a nice side-footed shot into the back of the net with the first shot on target equalling the first goal on three minutes. It took another sixteen minutes for the brace, as Hemphill dribbled past the away midfield slotting it to Wato, who waited patiently to feed the ball through to the unmarked Zbimg who slotted it in with a nice half volley! Nineteen minutes played and two goals, and surely game over!

But no! Ediz picked up the free ball and charged up-field and looked certain to score his first goal in such a long while only to be tackled perfectly by Soares, in which the ball bounced off him to Hemphill, who blasted the ball from outside the box and into the back of the net – no chance goalkeeper Lucas Menz could save it – and it was 3-0, and Hemphill's fifth of the season, which he celebrated in a sensational manner!


By re-enacting Michael Jackson's moon walk.

It was then when we first heard of Luton taking a seemingly 1-1 draw to a 2-1 win over Newport! It was an earlier kick-off and with an hour played it looked certain they could spoil the away teams chance to bridge any advantage if Ebbsfleet could have marked an incredible comeback! But it wasn't to be as Zbimg sealed his hat-trick into stoppage time and scored his 25th of the season!


At half-time it had been confirmed that Newport had lost to Luton, the lads were wearing smiles larger than an average American's waist line! It was simple for the second half – don't fuck up!

Which they were able to do perfectly! As the Ebbsfleet motivation seized onto display, we were able to frustrate and annoy the opposition, only allowing Liam Bellamy's cross to be met with the head of Enver-Marum on the 70th minute to count – but nothing more than a consolation for their efforts – and we rode out the result, and sealed a now four point advantage over Newport.


It seemed like the fate had opened up towards us, the foundation was set for us to try and claw the advantage over Newport that we once had earlier in the season! And with the opportunity to once again redo another draw we had in the earlier fixture against Macclesfield, which was a 2-2 away, I was forced to having only one change as Hoolihan had a one game suspension due to collecting five yellow cards, meaning the recently healed Liam being slotted into the centre back position partnering BobMem.


Saturday 9th March 2013
English Conference
Newark v. Macclesfield
(Zbimg '42, O'Toibin '44)
MoM – D. O'Toibin

Working from the previous result, we were able to carry on the form we had started to gather. With over 14 shots on goal, and only 4 off – it seemed to be our day! Though some good goalkeeping from Macclesfield's Lance Cronin delaying the inevitable constantly denying the attacking prowess on display, and the pure determination of the Man of the Match O'Toibin – we had to wait till the end of the first half till it counted with a corner won thanks to O'Toibin nicely struck volley which was saved. Hemphill worked the ball to his target, the man of the moment Lorenzo Zbimg who then headed it into the back of the net on 42 minutes! Making it 11 goals in the last month and a few weeks!

But we weren't finished there! Ediz held onto the ball, gifted to a nice dribble and pass from Hernandez, who waited for the perfect waited pass into the box as O'Toibin found the room to slot the ball and bag the win! 2-0 and sealed and deal!

The second half was the same. Contain and counter, which we did superbly, only being denied any more goals thanks to the heroics of Cronin. With the final whistle, the result only tasted more sweeter when it was confirmed ten men Newport had lost to mid-tabled Barrow! Defender Ishmael Yakubu had brought down McConville in the penalty area with a two-footed challenge, which captain Skelton scored the succeeding penalty to win the game!

To celebrate, Yermolai allowed the team and the coaching staff to a nice meal at Zizi's, to which I was able to re-enter if I promised not to shag anyone on the table. The lads all ordered round the large table and starting to talk about the possibility of a double! The only noticeable absence being Kowalinho, who seemed to have other plans.


Chugging down the champagne faster then a visitor using the rest room at Oscar Pistorius's house, the atmosphere seemed to be that we had already won the league! But, one player seemed determined to make sure that the lads not to become too complacent.

Hemphill: C'mon guys! We haven't won anything yet!

The lads booed and hissed jokingly to the captains suggestion, with some even throwing the bread at him that had been untouched on the table.

Hemphill: Alright, alright! To the eventual champions!
All: Yeah!

They all shouted aloud! I laughed as I watched the young team before me enjoying themselves, onto to be confused by a sudden figure at the back of the room.


What the hell was that about? A clown starring at me, with a large grin. I then started to think about all the recent clues occurring – the animal balloon, the disappearing clown shoes – something seemed strange. But before I could try and connect the dots together, I was suddenly brought out of my trance by my assistant manager.


Riley: Hey Niko, stop clowning around!

I was brought back to the moment.

Niko: What?
Riley: I said, stop daydreaming! It's rude to f:censored:ing ignore us!

He said, to which I ignored him, and continued drinking the rest of my Carling. To which, I thought I would distract myself with a nice cigarette outside. But as I got up bumped into the amazing Matthew Corbett impersonator, who was also getting up, and fell backwards into the waiter who was the piping hot soup which fell onto his face and burnt him to death!

Niko: Oh My Gawd! The waiter killed AMC!
Everyone in the Restaurant: That b:censored:!

As his body laid out on the floor, a yellow puppet rolled out from his jacket by my feet, which seemed to stare up at me.


Scared by the blank stare from the children's puppet, I kicked it towards the path of Zbimg who had only one glass of champagne and was steaming, who instinctively bicycle kicked the puppet over to Shepard, who pushed it away with his reflexes, in which both crashed onto the table breaking it in half, as the yellow puppet was curled over towards another table by Hemphill who was pissed out of his mind, which went straight into the right hand side of the room and landed into someone's soup. The owner of the ruined soup then jumped back in horror, bouncing back into the person sat behind on another table who sprung forward and sent the fork, which was sitting onside of his empty plate, flying into the air into the direction of A Messiah of Chickens, who was there to protest against the people eating chicken, and lodged into his right eye, piercing his cornea and lodging his brain, causing his to bleed out, and eventually to fall down dead on the floor in a pile of blood.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Sooty killed AMC!
Manager: That mess, b:censored:!

But it wasn't over yet!

As a waiter carrying five plates walked out of the kitchen, which was just behind the corpse, slipped over on the pile of blood, with the plates smashing – with large shards piercing a major number of customers!

Niko: Oh My Gawd! AMC's blood killed.... AMC!
Manager: Another Lawsuit, b:censored:!

The manager screamed as he charged over to the massacre scene, to which I decided to get the players to leave the theatre of Death, in case they could be involved in this orgy of circumstantial death!

With the celebrating over, we looked set for the next game which would be against Gateshead, and once again another opportunity for redemption after the 0-1 upset which they caused to us earlier this season at home – only one of the two defeats we have had at the Boltsky Stadium. Brimming from the last result, I decided it was best to use the same selection and let the destruction happen once more!


Tuesday 12th March 2013
English Conference
Gateshead v. Newark
(Zbimg '13 '25, Wato '90)
MoM – L. Zbimg

Once again it was Zbimg who took the headlines as he scored another impressive brace on a day in which we obliterated the home side, like the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, only allowing them to have 1 shot on goal which was easily dealt with, as it went wide of the goal. It was the same old for the attack, as Baz charged down on the wing and crossed the ball into the far post – connecting onto the head of Zbimg for his first of the evening, 13 minutes into the game.

For the next twelve minutes, nothing really happened, until a beautiful counter from Clayton, who picked up the ball from the half-way line, and charged up-field for a lovely lobbed passed for Zbimg to volley his second of the game! 25 minutes, and it seemed it could have been goal galore! If, the other players had decided to put on their shooting boots properly!

Comfortable save after comfortable save occurred into the latter half of the first half and the whole of the second, not being able to threaten the goalkeeper as much as we should have – but we had the majority of possession, not allowing the home side to try and inch their way back into the game. They were fighting possible relegation, and it could be told! But finally, as tiredness seemed to bossom onto the Gateshead's players, Zbimg turned to the assistant as he collected the loose ball from a Hemphill tackle and slotted the ball central towards the on-rushing Wato, who took it with ease and made the deficit even worse with a powerful strike into the back of the net, seconds before the final whistle blew!
And again, news came in of Cambridge winning against Newport! The downfall which I hope they would happen, had become reality! 3 matches and not a single point for the team that was searching to try and break the points advantage that seemed to grow further with each passing fixture.

With this news, it gave us more motivation as we fought onto the next game – against Wrexham. Wrexham was the fixture in which Lorenzo first started to make a namer for himself, by scoring five goals in the whole match! And with the way he had been playing recently, it seemed that he might be able to add even more to that collection! The team was the same, with the exception of Hoolihan being added to the bench after returning from suspension. The Eejit seemed to be out for the rest of the month, so I started to think about using the 442 at some point that I had been playing earlier in the season, but I then thought: why break a winning formula?


Saturday 16th March 2013
English Conference
Wrexham v. Newark
(Zbimg '56 '83, Liam '71)
Baz sent off '88
MoM – L. Zbimg

Another game, another brace for the star man who had now scored 8 goals in just this month! Even though it took the second half to break the realm of Mayebi's reflexes, it was Shepard who was the starman in the first half. Consistently he save each chance that came our way, and launched for the counter which never really made the mark it should. But as news came in that Newport had finally broke the curse on them, the lads seemed more determined for the second half!

Ediz found Zbimg in space on the 56th Minute, which he did what he normally did, and slotted it into the back of the net. And, then it was Liam's turn to be helped by Ediz who headed down Hemphill's ball and allowed the defender to score his first goal for the club. And twelve minutes later, O'Toibin did a nice low cross into the box for Zbimg to score his 30th of the season and sealing the accolade of the best striker in the league! The celebrations however was somewhat soured by Baz becoming a boxer and left hooking Brett Omerod in the chin just five minutes later – getting himself a three match ban in return!


The news got worse as Liam sustained a bruised shin three days before the next game, ruling him out for the last two games of the month. As well as the news that The Eejit's return had been delayed with a 'groin strain', which even though he insisted he got from training, most thought it would have been his 'late night' visits with the woman he had been seen leaving the party with the other night.

With all this, it meant that for Lincoln I had to rethink the idea of using the same team as I did with Wrexham, with Hoolihan starting at centre back once more. And, just because I felt bad for him not having as much game time as before – I recalled in Kowalinho as Ediz was dropped to the bench.


Saturday 23rd March 2013
English Conference
Lincoln v. Newark
(Zbimg '13 '32, Hemphill '49, Wato '90)
MoM – L. Zbimg

How good is it to win over one of your local rivals? It's a beautiful feeling! How does it feel to thrash them? Superb! To thrash them on their own ground? Like a piece of Heaven! And within six minutes, you could tell it was a derby! As Lincoln's Graham Hutchinson was injured within the brawl! And the match was ALL us, with Lincoln have only two shots on goal! Hemphill retained his amazing assist powers for the game, as it was his amazing curling cross that planked on the head of Zbimg to get yet another goal with only thirteen minutes played! And after that, we went for another one with O'Toibin being denied by a superb save, and then another Hemphill-Zbimg connection this time just wide with 25 minutes played.

It seemed everyone in the team wanted to score – Wato, O'Toibin, Kowalinho, Baz, and Hemphill all seemed to want a go at scoring, but it would be Zbimg once again to score the next goal, thanks once again by Hemphill's astonishing crossing ability, which seemed to be a carbon copy of the goal scored less than twenty minutes earlier!

Lincon had no chance to try to avoid the slaughter, as Zbimg turned assistant for Hemphill's goal, trying to do a rabona but failing, looking like he had slipped on a banana peel, but kept his composure to do a nice cross in goal which Hemphill's cool first touch slipped by Draper for the third goal in the second half – with only four minutes played – and in which he celebrated once again cooly.


But afterwards, Draper seemed to have taken steroids as he flew into every save like Superman on speed, it was anxious to watch, despite knowing that Newport was heading for another loss, and that we would be even more ahead in terms of points – I just wanted another showcase of the power we had! And we did, thanks to another late goal by Wato, who latched onto O'Toibin's through ball for his 10th of the season. The atmosphere felt like someone had died, and we thrived from it to the bitter end with smiles and galore. To the home fans it seemed someone like Simon Cowell had died, whereas to us it seemed like someone such as Simon Cowell had died!

The team has nearly done!

Two months undefeated was so close to be sealed! But with Luton being the last home game of the month, and Luton beating Newport recently and the dramatic 3-3 draw earlier in the season, it was hard to not think of an upset. And with Baz suspension now being on, it meant that Henderson would have to play left back with no other options viable with Liam still being out. For this reason, I decided to call upon Sulonen onto the bench so that if Hoolihan or BobMem took any knocks, Clayton could drop back into defence and we could play a 442, though I hoped that wouldn't be the case. Kowalinho retained his position after impressing me a little with his determination, so now he had his chance to make his mark once more.


Saturday 30th March 2013
English Conference
Newark v. Luton
(Wato '40, Kowalinho '45)(Fleetwood '11, Rendell '59)
MoM – Kowalinho

And it was the stubborn mules that be more happier with the result, though I was just pleased that we didn't concede any more goals! The first half was torn down the middle, with Luton starting off very fluid and determined, with both Rendell and Fleetwood determined to single handedly be a nuisance to the defence as Rendell held onto the ball on the left wing, awaiting for Fleetwood to charge into the box before dribbling past the right-back and crossing a perfect ball to the feet of Fleetwood who simply coined a brilliantly worked team move. But it was our attack that seemed most off, as Hemphill, who played so well in the last game, looked out of mind throughout the whole game! His set pieces lacked the killer aspect, his attacks had no creativity – we were basically playing with a back-tracking winger who was more of a second right back then winger!

But thankfully my two central midfeilders were having a great game! As BobMem passed the ball forward to Clayton who lobbed it to Wato who slotted into the back of the net with five minutes left, but Clayton wasn't finished there, the defensive play-maker then did a wonderful one-two with Henderson and Wato, in which resulted with Kowalinho giving us the much needed lead into the end of the first half!

With both Clayton and Wato playing a superb game, with one having an assist and being a defensive stronghold and the other having an assist and a goal as well as being a constant attacking threat, I felt that I didn't need to make any changes – but I was so wrong!

The second half, the lads were disillusioned, Lincoln had more of the possession and consistently found wholes within our positions! They kept knocking on the door more and more, so much that it reminded me of a stalker finding my address again – freaky! In the end, the moment finally happened Rendell went from the assistant to the goalscorer, dribbling past the remaining defenders from a counter off a failed attack, using pace to speed on through and around Shepard to equalise the score. I failed to hope for another goal with the team's fitness and told them to hold it out, which they were able to do – and come full time, it was the man who kept attacking that got the Man of the Match award – Kowalinho. Gaining some plaudits, I then started to rethink about my approach towards the games up-coming to the Semi-finals of the FA Trophy – maybe a rotation up-front could help fitness? And maybe other areas too? But, with Eejit out for most of the next month, it might mean either dropping a player into the DMC role or changing tactics for a few games – it was something I needed to think over – long and hard.

After the game, I retired back home, smiling on the drive back as I heard that Newport also drew against Woking on the radio. It seemed that we didn't lose any advantage and that rotation could be a more viable option. At home, the atmosphere had begun to get more hostile as Babe and I argued about my level of input on the Wedding, and the amount of time I put into my job. She would normally spend the night downstairs, or huff out into the long back garden for an extended amount of time. But as I arrived, she wasn't in the house despite her faggy Fiat still being parked on the driveway, I shook of the thought of her spending time with Shepard as Shepard seemed to be as interesting as a Canadian movie and he is most likely some kind of alien who doesn't understand the ways of us 'Earthlings' – so it was just me, my laptop and a couple of links to Women Behaving Badly!

But as I started to get 'interested' into my 'programme', a knock came from my door. I looked at the time – 2:45 am. Babe wasn't back yet, I thought she might have had the night off uptown with her friends to release some steam, so it could have been her forgetting her keys.

Niko: You forgot your keys? You daft fuck!

I shouted jokingly, pulling up my trousers and walking towards the door, only to see a strange drunken person at the door.


Drunked: Excuse me! Is this where the party is?
Niko: What? No!
Drunked: Oh! I was told by this Japanese sumo that this is where the Japanese game show after party was.
Niko: Well, it isn't!
Drunked: Oh, okay. Ummm... Can you call me a taxi so I can arrange for the Devil Worshipping Monkey Violin Player's Twister of Sushi after party is?
Niko: Okay, but stay right there. I don't want any of.... you, in my house!

He nodded back, stumbling to stay still despite leaning against the door frame. I called the taxi number and arranged for one to come and pick him up, but when I came back to see him he was gone. Stepping outside to see if he had tried to break in, or threw up on my fucking property, I was stopped with an image.


Clown: Surprise! Motherfucker!

He said with a horrid grin, to which my shook my head in disapproval before being knocked out. Looked like it was that... time.... again....

For... Fuck...sake....

************************************************** **********************************************
English Conference - Saturday 30th March 2013
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2012/13 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st Newark 37 14 3 2 40 13 10 7 1 41 17 82
2nd Newport 37 10 6 2 28 15 11 0 8 31 20 69
3rd Hereford 37 9 7 2 39 24 9 2 8 33 30 63
4th Grimsby 37 13 5 1 39 19 3 9 6 23 26 62
5th Luton 37 8 4 6 21 20 9 6 4 39 27 61
6th Woking 37 11 5 2 37 22 4 8 7 29 39 58
7th Barrow 37 9 6 3 26 17 7 3 9 23 29 57
8th Telford Utd 37 10 3 5 36 27 6 4 9 20 25 55
9th Mansfield 37 9 7 3 27 17 6 3 9 19 25 55
10th Forest Green 37 9 4 5 30 27 6 6 7 24 26 55
11th Cambridge Utd 37 10 1 7 29 27 5 8 6 18 18 54
12th Stockport 37 9 3 7 29 23 5 7 6 24 25 52
13th Kidderminster 37 8 3 8 35 38 7 4 7 32 35 52
14th Wrexham 37 9 6 4 28 22 4 3 11 29 45 48
15th Macclesfield 37 9 6 4 43 28 3 5 10 26 40 47
16th Ebbsfleet Utd 37 10 7 2 29 18 2 3 13 17 35 46
17th Southport 37 5 3 10 22 24 6 4 9 28 31 40
18th Gateshead 37 5 3 11 21 33 5 5 8 23 26 38
19th Braintree 37 4 3 11 27 43 5 5 9 29 34 35
20th Alfreton 37 6 4 9 26 34 2 5 11 15 31 33
21st Lincoln 37 6 4 10 24 34 2 3 12 17 35 31
22nd Hyde 37 3 8 6 31 36 3 1 16 21 48 27

19-07-13, 09:31 AM
Rumour has it that a cult called 'VIPs' stormed the pitch after the match against Ebbsfleet... One man was heard screaming, "I told you that we should have voted for a 3-5-2!".

19-07-13, 12:05 PM
The next chapter is the final within this 'Journey', and it is going to be INTENSE! Football and storylines mix, with the End of the Season review. It is going to be split into four 'continuations' to help balance them out, but the most dramatic is the football itself. Transfers coming in and could there be some going? What will happen with Niko?

All i say is: Tying up Loose Ends.

I think i can't put that as the better title of the chapter. And i am soooo happy i was able to save this story from the ashes of that one big fuck up that happened a couple of months ago, to get this far with my enthusiasm for a story being higher then before. Already trying to think up more 'WTF?' storylines for next season :D

Hopefully one will be up either today, tomorrow or Monday.

Hope you guys will enjoy it as much as i enjoy writing it,

Stay tuned and please comment, i really do appreciate it ;)

19-07-13, 12:58 PM
I'm enjoying it a lot, real good mix of match action and storyline. Nice run of clean sheets when Liam came into the team. Shame about the injury :s

Looking forward to the next update, KUTGW!

Baron Zbimg
19-07-13, 02:51 PM
Can't wait for the Grand Final, I expect fireworks !!! And a Zbimg hat trick !

19-07-13, 03:41 PM
Storming your way to the title but we all know off the field nothing will be that simple.

24-07-13, 01:39 AM
The First Journey
Chapter Nine:
Tying Up Loose Ends

Ah, Niko! What have you got yourself into know!

A club fetish for clowns?

You've be clowning around all year so that's what happened to you!

Niko: Ah! Shut up Brain!

It has seemed to be a reoccuring theme of my life, being too awesome so that some sick freak wants to kidnap me and have their way with me. It is so disappointing that it is never the Ke$ha squad, to bring me to her to try and satisfy her most freakiest desires!

Niko: Tik-Tok! I wish me would 'Blow' me!

But nope! You are some kind of a magnet to the sick underground fetish freaks – best stay away from Theodore from now! Hell! I haven't seen him in ages!

Niko: So what do we have here?

I said to myself looking around in the large space in which I was being kept in. It wasn't a jail cell, so it wasn't the Koreans – meaning that maybe after killing that stupid Ling-Ling, they finally got the message. It's more of a warehouse.

Niko: Warehouse 13? Wouldn't mind banging that Allison bitch!

Nah. Place looks more down market then that. Looking around I can see three entrances – two side ones and one large door – something like a grand entrance. I bet myself that is where the 'leader' will come out and proclaim who they are and what they want from me!

Niko: Bet on that!

And with that said, the doors burst open with the clown coming out first, as I tried to tugg off the rope that I was tied to a metal pole with. At least the freaking chair was comfortable for once!


Clown: Hey, motherfucker! You've got a visitor!!! Show some respect!
Niko: Who pissed in your cornflakes?

Suddenly it hit!

Niko: Have you a breakfast a clown?
Clown: What?
Niko: Have you a breakfast a clown?!
Clown: Bitch please! Branflakes all the way!

As he said that he turned on his heels and stared at the door, like a teenager on an Xbox screen, as the leader came out – someone I should have known would have been the bastard to kidnap me!


Cowell: Ah, Mr Bergstrom! Hope you have tied yourself down to doing anything lately! I think you'll come to realise, you have quite a lot of loose ends to finish first – well, had!
Niko: Funny, you write that yourself, Mr Prime Minister?
Cowell: No, I had Russell Brand do that! Disnae has a lot of connections you know!
Niko: Right! So what are you going to do? Try to kill me? Recruit me? Convert me? Lick my toes and call me Louis? Or, are you going to realise that somehow and someway I am going to escape and kill you?

He laughed in an evil manner – yeah he did work for Disnae, the 'bad guy' vibe was pushing over-dramatic.

Cowell: That isn't really up to me, you see there is someone who you've not met, and he hates you more than me. Not as handsome as me, but a more dedicated person to the cause.
Niko: So he's the one whose bullet's on the name of?
Cowell: Unlikely! He has worked his way up to where he is today, by dealing like shit like you for breakfast!
Clown: What's with you guys and fucking breakfast!
Niko: Okay, so what do you want?
Cowell: To say goodbye before you can't!

He then laughed once more menacingly, before turning round and walking out. In which, he was followed by the clown who seemed quite chuffed with himself. As they escaped I waited for five seconds before.

Niko: So are you going to stand there, or are you going to let me out of this?

I said, to the figure that was camoflagued into the dark corner, who then walked forward.


Shepard: You know, I do like to see you in a situation where you are not in control. Maybe I will leave you here for a bit longer?
Niko: C'mon Shepard, you came here for a reason and that is to save me, so hurry up!

He smirked in reply, before pressing a button in his hand which made the rope fall from my wrists.

Niko: What the hell was that!
Shepard: This wasn't rope. This was some technological material which is at the same density of rope, but really is stronger and harder. The only way to break it is to disarray the firewall protocol to the signal that is stored within it's-
Niko: Alright, alright – I get it! It's some complicated crap, now let's kill that fucking prick Cowell and get out of here.
Shepard: Why not kill the system from the inside?
Niko: What kill the 'leader' bloke?
Shepard: No. This whole organisation works on the basis of the hydra.
Niko: Kill one of the heads, and two grows back?
Shepard: Exactly!

We then started to walk to the right normal door, for whatever reason, before I was ushered to go through the other one to find some kind of super-computer. As I went through the door, I was in a corridor full of splinter rooms.

Niko: Fuck!

First door:


Sumo: You die!

Said the fat man wearing a nappy who went charging at me, but half-way towards grabbing he clutched his heart and fall onto the floor dead.

Niko: Should have stayed off the fatty foods, fatty!

I said going into the second room:


Bitch: I am in the sound of music!

I quickly closed the door and decided just to go to the door on the other side of the room, named 'Super Computer Room – Super Secret! PS. Tell No-One'.

Niko: Retards!

I mumbled as I opened the door there it was in the middle of the room.


And there on the wall was what I needed:

http://www.motherearthnews.com/~/media/Images/MEN/Editorial/Blogs/Renewable%20Energy/A%20Bucket%20a%20Day%20Helps%20Hold%20Global%20War ming%20at%20Bay/Bucket-a-day.jpg

Which I picked up and throw all over the computer which exploded me right out of the room, as I heard a large buzz once more I gathered myself up and charged down the hallway and escape through the door I once came in and throw myself onto the floor and covering my arms as a long surge of flames came bursting out. Feeling the heat, I spun round and grabbed a cigarette, using the large flame to lit it just before it rescinded back into the hallway which was now just a gulf of flames. And I got up, I dusted off the ash and walked into the middle of the room to meet up with an impressed Shepard.


Shepard: Wow Niko. I'm impressed, acting cool by lighting your cancer stick with the ball of the fire above you.
Niko: Nothing to it!

I said, blowing the smoke straight into the assholes face. We then both turned to the large door centred right in front of us.

Shepard: Might want this.

He said passing me a semi-automatic, to which I pushed away.

Niko: Guns don't kill people bitch! NIKO DOES!

I looked around the large warehouse, trying to examine the exploit zones, and once I had one in mind, I knew exactly what to do. I picked up a rather large rock in my right hand and placed it into my pocket and stepped a few more feet to left.

Niko: You better be ready, because I am ready for A Massacre of EpiCness!

As the doors flung open with Cowell and the Clown, I awaited for the perfect chance.


Cowell: You bastard! You have killed all the communications to the whole system! All our data is gone!
Niko: Ha!
Cowell: You think you can mess with.... THIS!

He shouted, starting to rub his nipples with a face of ecstasy. The perfect chance! I grabbed the large rock, and aimed for the over-arch just above the main door which had been significantly damaged due to the force of power in which it had to be taken from the doors bashing against the supports. In which there was large crack, which wasn't really safe to be standing directly, if say a powerful and fast object hit directly onto that crack to loose the rest of the strength that the support had on that building. I pulled back my right arm as far as I could, and surged all my strength into that one throw at the crack in which the rock collided into, and in a matter of mere seconds the crack grew and large over-arch and the supports went tumbling down ontop of Cowell and his Isane Clown Posse!

Niko: Oh My Gawd! I did the AMC!
Shepard: Lucky b:censored:!

Shepard said in shock and awe, guess he doesn't really know my skills as much as he first thought. We both then nodded to each other and walked over to the large debris.


Shepard: Got a smart ass plan how to get out of here then?
Niko: Yep!

I said with the rope that I was tied to into my hands, I lynched the rope onto the wall next to the debris to the remains of the blown door frame, and then told Shepard to allow the firewall to be on. The rope then started to over-power due to the large stretch and exploded, allowing a simple passageway to go outside.

Shepard: Wow Niko, I really do owe you one!
Niko: Nah, should the other way around man. Look, you solved those Canadian Hunters and the Koreans for me!
Shepard: That was my job though! This is something... personally.
Niko: And you have made sure that Babe isn't over-stressing with the whole wedding thing.
Shepard: Yeah well... Neighbourly friendship.

He said back as we finally made it outside.

Niko: Now, where the fuck are we?
Shepard: Around Mansfield.
Niko: Really?
Shepard: Nah, in Nottingham. The leader has already left. Congratulations Niko you have successfully defeated both Phetrovology and Disnae, though there are somethings you should really know about Phetrovology.
Niko: Forget it – it's in the past. Now take me back to Newark!

I said jumping into the smeggy Smart car that Shepard came here in. We arrived in Newark just an hour later, and already I was buzzing. Now that the whole Disnae thing was finally over with, I could concentrate on the next game, which if we won and Newport lost or draw meant we would win the league!

Due to the importance of the game, and despite we won the last time we met, I decided to play the same team that had played against Luton, hoping that the team would be able to bounce back from the up-set and get the win!


Saturday 6th April 2013
English Conference
Telford v. Newark
(Byfield '3)(Zbimg '16, Hemphill '30, Kowalinho '56)
MoM – Kowalinho

We had done it!

We had won the League as Newport drew 2-2, and it would be the want-away striker Kowalinho who would be taking the accolade of sealing the title with an amazing performance! At the first start it seemed like it would be a hard battle between the two teams, which it was, but thankfully our players were more clinical with the chances given to us. Despite the early disadvantage with Sharp squaring up Byfield, who had ripped past Clayton like a piece of paper in a battle of scissors, to which he slotted into the back of the net with three minutes played, we showed composure and 12 minutes afterwards Kowalinho crossed an orgasmic ball from the half-way line to Zbimg, whose first touch was as such and skinned past last defender Salmon to be one-on-one with the keeper, to which the outcome was predictable – 1-1 with sixteen minutes played!

Hemphill was a constant source of creative flair on the right wing with a nice one-two with Kowalinho, with the finishing outcome agonisingly over the bar. But it was down to a free-kick which was earned by Lorenzo's determination that got Hemphill his gaol, a 20 yard howler which sealed the one goal advantage into the next half.

A rather subdued performance from the lads, as Telford came closer and closer to an equaliser, only for the ball to never reach the target, to which we took full advantage of with Hernandez crossing the ball over from the right to the left to find the free O'Toibin, who headed it on for the ferocious right foot of Kowalinho to get his tenth of the season! For the rest of the game, we relied on our chances from Hemphill's free kicks which laid out a chance for Liam but was caught by Telford's keeper who threw it out for a counter, which Shepard was able to easily save. And by the last moments, it was Shepard who was the man of the moment, constantly saving and giving out corners which resulted in nothing only for the whistle to blow and the crowd to cheer in full fury!


Both set of fans clapped each side of players, as I collapsed onto the floor, drained from all the stress being relieved from my body. Finally I had done it! My name as a league winning champion had continued, I had now won four titles in three countries – despite what Fifa would want the public not to know!
The lads did a lap of honour around the stadium, were they were congratulated by the nice Telford fans. They knew that it was a solid game of attractive football, and I knew they would one day feel the same release if they kept up this kind of play and invested in some more higher levelled players.


When we arrived back home to Newark, the team was besieged with cheering fans who wanted autographs, knowing that some of the lads might not be here next season. Knowing that the players like Kowalinho and BobMem who looked set to push a move to a bigger club would have a bright future, and be pleased with the thought that they started out with the newest club in the English league structure. And when I got off the bus, they started chanting my name!


Despite myself telling them it was down to Lorenzo, Henderson, Clayton, BobMem, Wato, Baz, Eejit, Shepard, Hemphill, O'Toibin, Kowalinho, Liam, Hernandez, Ediz, Vasily, Wood, Van der Voom, Hoolihan that we won this title – they still chanted. After an emotional few days, I arrived home to the sound of silence. Babe wasn't there. Her car gone, leaving only a note saying 'Congrats!' and 'Gone to Arrange Final Venue Issues.' It came to me once more, I could be a married man – and the first time the thought brought happiness to me – maybe I have changed now the chaos has left my life?

For the next match, it was nothing but a stop guard for the first leg of the FA Trophy Semi-Final showdown with Newport, to which I decided to put out a weaker side to give players a chance to have a runout before the end of the season. For this Van der Voom and Ediz played up-front, Zannit was played on the right wing, Vasily in the middle, and Wood played in goal. Liam, BobMem, Henderson and Hernandez made the back four with the addition of Sulonen being on the bench, whom I planned on putting on at half-time to replace Clayton – no matter the result. Alfreton was team we beat earlier in the season, and I was confident we could comfortably win despite the lack of first choice attackers being played.


Monday 8th April 2013
English Conference
Newark v. Alfreton
(Van der Voom '9 '20)(P. Clayton '31)
MoM – H. Van der Voom

It was the Van der Voom show, who made it clear that if some of the strikers would leave in the summer then he would be able to step up to the plate in order to replace those who would leave – which I think would be a huge possibility given Kowalinho's ambition to leave and Zbimg scoring like a mad man! The first goal came from a nice free-kick taken from Hernandez, taking over the duty from the rested Hemphill, which was beautifully struck into the box with the jumping Dutchman powering in the ball into the back of the net to get his 10th of the season – despite being more of a super sub throughout the season.

11 minutes later Van der Voom then added another to his catalogue after collecting the ball from O'Toibin and volleying the ball into the back of the net to seal the lead in our favour. For the remainder of the half it was more quiet, with the lads shutting up shop and resolving to keep a clean sheet rather then search for another – but it didn't seem that as Paul Clayton was able to pounce of a rebound from Wood's save 31 minutes played to give the away team a glimmer hope, but it seemed unlikely!

For the second half, Sulonen played in place of Max Clayton, and the team played a more 4-4-2 tactical approach in order to give ourselves more options in the midfeild half – it worked as it helped make more attacks – but the finishing wasn't the usual calibre that the home fans were used to with Zbimg within the team, and had to make do with the 2-1 result.

Over the course of the next few days leading up to the first showdown, I isolated myself in order to be able to fully concentrate at the challenge on hand. The first matter was the first team, and with Baz coming back from suspension it meant that he could slot back into the left back position, with Henderson dropping onto the three man bench after a string of some average performances but still impressive as it wasn't it best position. For the rest, it seemed to be the same with Wato, Hemphill, Zbimg and Kowalinho bring brought in from the rest I had given them – with Clayton and O'Toibin retaining their positions. On the bench Wood and Van der Voom would make the rest of the choices viable, as Shepard retained his position as the first-choice keeper.


The atmosphere at the stadium was strong, you could tell this was a match which both sides wanted to win badly, and it made the pressure even greater. The fans surged into the stands faster then a Bugatti, the foundation was set for a thriller and high end tension game – which I hoped desperately it for it to be, afterall, this was OUR chance to show the weird how important our goal of Premier League football was going to be!


Saturday 13th April 2013
FA Trophy Semi-Final Leg 1
Newark v. Newport

With the team announced, the lads were energised and determined. Just before the beginning of the game, Hemphill stood and reminded them of the previous season we had and the fact that for the next games this could be the last time that they all would play together. At the end of his speech, the lads hurdled up in a circle.

Hemphill: For Newark, and for the gaffer!
All: For Newark! And for the gaffer!


It was an emotional encounter, but this wasn't the time to become a pussy – this was about gaining an advantage over a team that had rivalled us all season, and to finally overcome the team which challenged our ambitions!

With kick off over and done, the first ten minutes shown too sides being cautious about not conceding, with my behaviour on the sidelines seemingly to react the actions of a super-villain watching his employees standing still rather then attacking the hero! But as 10 minutes rung up, Kowalinho came into the action.

He collected the ball about 45 yards from goal on the wing, taking a second to look up he crossed it over towards Zbimg who headed on goal, but the fingertips of Julian denied him.


But the ball bounced off the post, and fell to the prolific striker, with his reputation being higher then ever, he pounced onto the loose ball with a powerful shot and the ten thousand strong crowd watched in awe, as did I, as the ball burst into the lower half of the goal!



He had done it! He had scored the goal to give us the lead! The home crowd started to chant his name, as he ran and screamed towards him. “I love you all!” he shouted to them, pumping his hand out reach towards them.

Another nervous thirteen minutes went by for the next attack, as Zbimg charged into sight of the goal against the nervous Newport back-line, gaining a harsh tackle from Pipe just outside the box. Now it was Hemphill's turn to have a go with the free-kick!


He stepped up and lined his shot for the goal, as the whistle blew the ball seemed to go blurry due to the speed on the ball, but Julian was able to see it as he did a marvelous save to keep his team in the game, giving away a corner as a consolation.

Hemphill once again stepped up for the task of the corner, he took it well as it dropped to O'Toibin who headed on for Clayton who was agonisingly close, as the ball just went wide.

But the team remained calm and collective as they searched for the second, and then suddenly on the 34th minute, an opportunity arose when Hemphill's low cross was parried by Julian, with the ball landing to the feet of the anxious Wato, whose low driven shot sought for the back of the net – like a BNP politician seeking for a singular supporter.




We had done it! A two goal lead, which we were able to hold onto for the end of the first half, as the team were chanted off the pitch, bringing the atmosphere to an all-time high! The second half was simple – stick to the plan, and we had the advantage we needed!


With the whistle blown, Newport found a new sudden urge of inspiration, Charles and Sandell connected well with one another to find the side-netting, then another chance when Pipe's free-kick was just short of the goal.

Niko: Defend!!

I shouted, and the team acknowledged as Porter was brought down in the box, as the whole stadium watched as the referee went against Porter's appeal for a penalty, but then Hemphill tackled a little harshly on the on-rushing Sendall, picking up a yellow as the ref awarded a free-kick which was taken by Pipe, but was easily dealt with by Baz.


Soon another opportunity arose for the away side as Minshull's inspirational run was unlucky past the crossbar. Another free-kick emerged when Hernandes tripped crow, gifting Pipe another opportunity to make something out of nothing. The ball was wiped into the box, which Yakubu aggressively emerged above Clayton for, only for the headed ball to fall to Wato who cleared the ball out of the box. We were withstanding an onslaught of pressure, but in stoppage time we were able to make on more counter attck as Liam found Hemphill in space, who in return through balled it toward the open space for Kowalinho, which was found by Julian, denying us a much needed third goal – but it wasn't to be.

And at the end, the final message of the game was about the players calm and collective mind-set and being able to withstand the onslaught which Newport showed to us in the second half. With the right about of discipline to keep the clean sheet and keep the two goal advantage for the away tie in just a weeks time.


With the end of the first Trophy cup game finished, I collapsed onto the sofa with a huge grin. Finally I was able to put to bed the doubt that lingered in my mind of the possible out showmanship which we could have had with a tough opponent such as Newport. But of course, the job wasn't completely done yet, there was still some way to go for this journey – and I was feeling strong, that nothing would get in the way.

Meanwhile, somewhere dark and mysterious.....

Leader: Big God! He you jolly good fellows completed it yet? My tea has gone cold waiting, and don't get me started on my crumpets!
Servant: Sir, it has indeed been completed!
Leader: Jolly good work, Herald. Jolly good work! Now, bring him out so I can converse with him.
Servant: Are you sure, sir? I mean, he hasn't been fully restored mentally yet. He has no recognition of what happened to-
Leader: By God! I didn't spend all the taxpayers money on nothing, Herald! Now do as I said!

He nodded back to the man with a dark brown cloth around his head. And soon, he was arisen.


Leader: Arise my jolly good friend, arise! Now tell me, what do you remember?
Costume Guy: I killed them as ordered, master.
Leader: Jolly good! Do you remember your mission?
Costume Guy: Eliminate those who rebel us.
Leader: Utterly delightful!
Costume Guy: What happened to Gregory?
Leader: I am afraid he was killed by them silly-wags!

He said chocking one of the servants with his telepathic powers.

Leader: Don't hurt him no more Achibald!

He released the servant, and looked down.

Costume Guy: I am no longer Archibald, kind sir. He died.
Leader: Utterly Jolly Orgasmic!! Muhahahahahahahaha!
Costume Guy: And I shall avenge the death of my former comrade. And embrace the sexual side! O' Canada, you shall feel the wrath of....


To Be Continued.

24-07-13, 09:19 AM
*Is happy after winning the title :)
*Can't wait for next season :)

24-07-13, 10:14 AM

24-07-13, 10:56 AM
*Thinks he needs to kop on to himself and not look to move to a bigger club. Newark are clearly going places!
*Likes a sing-song

30-07-13, 01:32 PM
The First Journey
Chapter Nine:
Tying Up Loose Ends

With the first game done with, it was time to celebrate my 26th birthday, as well as the captain Hemphill's 19th, too which the lads wanted to have a large drinking session to celebrate, but with the next game being the 17th of April, I made sure they promised to delay it till the end of the season – but Hemphill seemed to think he above the rest of the lads, to which I saw him come out of the local nightclub Atrium, with a chick on his arm.

Niko: Oi!

I shouted, to which he shrugged off and continued walking away towards Asda.

Niko: What a prick!
Babe: Don't worry about him. Tell him off during the hours, now...

Said my fiancιe, who made me come out and celebrate my birthday despite my negative reactions to her nagging, but after moaning about her not seeing me for a long time, and blah, I felt somewhat inclined to agree.


The venue was the small Italian restaurant near the castle, and when we entered nearly instantly the staff members seemed to know my face and went as wild as the English public went crazy about Pipe Middleton farting.


Waiter: Are you tee manager of futbale Club?
Niko: Yeah.
Waiter: Zee, Giovanni! I told you it was!
Waiter 2: Sacre Bleu!
Niko: WAIT! Your Italian, and he's French? In an Italian resturant?
Waiter: Wee! There is alut of different national people here. Like him, Rafael, he is Spanish!

He said, pointing to a once familiar face.


Niko: Good I don't have him as a waiter, he would probably eat half of the course of my order!
Waiter: Wee! That has been a problem latelee!

After getting our orders, eating our food and chatting over lunch drinking down bottles and bottles of red wine, the seductive stare which she normally gets before the taming of the cave, shined across her face like a red light in an Amsterdam street.

Niko: Cheque! Now!

I screamed over to the waiter, as Babe got busy on the empty bottle that we last had.

Waiter: What? Your leaving already?
Waiter 2: Sacre bleu!

Screamed the French waiter as he saw Babe choking on the bottle in her mouth.

Niko: Yes NOW!!

I screamed as the Frenchman started to slowly creep over to Babe. Finally after a 'quick discussion' with the waiter, in which his nose magically got broken, we were off – with the Italian bastard getting only an middle finger for a tip!

We went straight home and fireworks soon went off!


But soon it was time to get back into the manager mindset, as the game against Forest Green came up. For this I decided to make a large number of changes so that my first eleven will be more ready for the game against Newport, but still not taking Forest Green like an adolescent bitch with daddy issues, I left the defensive somewhat the same with Hernandez on the left, Hoolihan in the middle with Liam, with BobMem rested as Henderson played at right-back. Wato was the rushing forward, as Sulonen played in the DMC role and Zannit given a chance to redeem himself on the right wing, as the hungover Hemphill was dropped. O'Toibin was the man on the left, as Ediz and Van der Voom played up-front, with Wood also being given another chance after his only appearances being the 4-4 draw on the opening day of the season and the Alfreton game.


Wednesday 17th April 2013
English Conference
Forest Green v. Newark
(Norwood '57)(Zannit '45, O'Toibin '62, Van der Voom '75)
MoM – D. O'Toibin

The first half seemed to suck more then Paris Hilton on a Saturday night, as chance went begging again and again, and us being able to be kept in the game with some ambitious saves from Wood in between the posts. Most of the attacks from the day came from the Irishman O'Toibin, who created chances not only for himself but the whole team, with one being a perfect lob towards Zannit who headed in his first of the season in the dying seconds of stoppage time, and a wonderfully created team goal.

In the second half, Forest Green seemed to thrive on the wasted chances that we had in the first half, and came out guns blazing! Not being able to score till 12 minutes into the half when Sulonen's poor tackling allowed Magno Vieira to chip the ball over to Norwood whose astonishing volley went flying by the dumb-founded Wood to equalise the game. With this, they're confidence seemed to up their game with Styche coming close straight after the restart but watched in agony as his header went flying pass the crossbar.

But thankfully the team hadn't given up hope! Van der Voom took over the duties on the left wing as he dribbled down towards the corner flag and crossing a low ball into the far post which was found by the free O'Toibin who simply hit it high into the roof of the net just after the hour mark – 1-2! And after watching Collins winning a corner thanks to a dismissive save from Wood, O'Toibin was then substituted for BobMem, who would slot into the centre-back position as Liam took over the duties at right-back and Henderson being free to play more up-field on the left wing. The change seemed to work when I told Zannit to go left and Henderson right on the 72nd minute, with Zannit and Henderson passing the ball across the field and around the home side's players until Henderson's cross found the foot of Van der Voom to seal the win!

And with that, we extended our undefeated streak even further, to which I am hoping we could continue till the end of the season, and maybe even carrying on to next season as well!

But as soon as the match was over, the next one seemed to flash right by! The game was the game which would decide how the ending of the season would seem like, the chance to capture two competitions, or to be the team who had gained so much but was killed off as they prepared to face their final foe!

Newport would have to come back from the two goal deficit but did have the home advantage as we arrived at the Rodney Parade, the hostility towards the team was floating in the air, like awkwardness when your girlfriend catches you banging her Mom.


As the lads parked round in the small away dressing room, they knew that the team selected was the best we could have had, with Eejit still out, it meant that the tired Clayton would have to be played for a game which I would have preferred the more direct tackling approach from the Scotsman. I made sure that the whole team had come for support, despite if they was or wasn't playing, this was an important game and we needed to show that we was a team – to be able to see this through to the happy or bitter end!


Saturday 20th April 2013
English FA Trophy Semi-final Leg 2 (0-2 agg.)
Newport v. Newark

This was it – David v. Goliath, Babe when horny v. Me when stressed, John Terry v. The urge to sleep with a team-mates missus – it was on like Donkey Kong in a barrel throwing contest. Like an OCD person in a garbage dump.

It was the biggest match in my career so far, only to be eclipsed by the eventual final this season, if we could hold onto our two goal advantage. The plan was to use our advantage, and just trying to add to it, or keep up if Newport decided to turn up!

And that was what I exactly told the lads in the locker room – to keep tight, and play as the team I saw all season long!

As they marched, nerves had become etched onto the lines of they're faces – something which worried me, but I knew that despite what was calling onto their faces that their hearts still reigned the same courage and substance that had gotten them the title and so far in the league!

http://292fc373eb1b8428f75b-7f75e5eb51943043279413a54aaa858a.r38.cf3.rackcdn.c om/fdf230feb18e8ee49f8b24567df01e8f-1182034647-1301567645-4d94589d-620x348.jpg

The ball kicked and in the atmosphere you can tell that Newport had fancied there chances – at home, and against a team that looked worried with the lead they are holding onto. This was going to be a tough game, in which I just hoped we could end with eleven people on the pitch and an honourable display from the lads.

Luckily, it took 15 minutes for the first chance of the game, falling to the home side, as Shepard caught a header from Charles, which if it landed to the awaiting Poter could have meant an early sign of something bad to possibly happen.

Afterwards, it was another six minutes before Julian crossed the ball into the box searching for Crow, but BobMem was composed and issued a clearance. A shaky performance started to show when Clayton was given a yellow card after 30 minutes played.


Coming towards the end of the half, Newport and a resurgence of energy after a nice looking attack was broken down, and they charged back at us! O'Connor was the commanding officer of this armada, picking up the lose ball on the wing and passing every player in the black jersey, until he crossed it perfectly to Crow, who took advantage of the shaddy defence and volleyed the back right into the back of the net.



1-2 on aggregate.

That was the warning sign for the lads as Crow scored his fifteenth of the season, but Newport wasn't done yet! Just two minutes after the goal Porter played a beautiful lobbed pass for Woodley, who simply went past Shepard and scored the second goal.



2-2 on aggregate.

They had done it! They had brought themselves back into the game, thanks to some crap defence and no communication between the lads. As the lingering moments kept counting down, it felt as if someone was stabbing me deeper and deeper with each passing second. All I could hope was that was couldn't concede another, and that someone or something was still left brimming within the players. Just an ounce of belief!

But again, Porter tortured the back line, doing another ball towards Woodley who...



This had to be a sign for the lads not to loose hope! If we could steal a goal before the end of the half, then maybe we could shut up shop for the second half! And it seemed that some kind of deity heard my prayers!

Zbimg passed it to Wato on the right, who passed it on for Kowalinho, who then chipped it to the left in the free space for O'Toibin, over to the right for Zbimg then to Hemphill, the man who could create a chance out of nothing!

And he did, a beautiful dribble past the left back and a Hemphill cross into the box, and Kowalinho was found!



We had done it, we had regained the advantage! 2-3 aggregate, and a sensational team goal though the credit had to be on Hemphill for his run and amazing cross! Hemphill then tried again, this time searching for Zbimg whose headered was agonisingly over the bar – so close I slipped on the wet grass under my feet.


The whistle was thankfully blown. It was time to refresh and try to gain some inspiration, which was my goal.


I grabbed a megaphone, which I found outside the locker-room, and decided to vent my agression out on the lads.

Niko: What the fuck was that?!

I screamed down the megaphone as the lads held their ears due to the pain.

Niko: Does this hurt you? Really? Because that shit I just watched, hurt my fucking eyes! That wasn't anything that I have seen at all this season – not in preseason, not in training! Where the fuck is the defending? Why is there only a few of you even looking for a forward run? This isn't Fearless! This is pussies trying to cash in a fucking pay-check! I am no joke, this club is no joke, your opponent is no joke – so stop fucking playing like it is! You think this is tough? Then what next season? Some of you say this is too easy, that you are bigger then these kind of games – well fucking show me! I could play my kid in that game, and he would play better then half of you! Get your head out of your asses, and show me the Fearless motherfuckers that won the Conference, and that will win the League Two division next season!

The lads seemed to be a bit more determined, though quite deaf, but the point was told and they seemed to understand clearly.


The fans hounded us, but I didn't give a flying fuck – this wasn't about pleasing the fans, this was about honour, about getting something out of all the shit I have had to put up with over the fucking year!

Two minutes into the half, and our third chance of the game came, Kowalino passed it to O'Toibin who volleyed it as hard as he could, but got nothing! There was the whole defence, an army, of the home sides defence blocking him from getting even close to the target.

Five minutes into the half, and Newport won a freekick thanks to a foul by Hemphill, which Pipe took into the wing onto Hatswell who came in and went for a low cross – saved by an interception by O'Toibin.

52nd minute, another free-kick given that to a handball from Herenandez, Pipe took the shot on goal but went for a conversion.

55th minute, Wato's wayward shot becomes another wasteful opportunity into the game.

58th minute, O'Toibin gains the ball from a nice ball from Baz which he volleys over the bar, another fucking wasted opportunity.

Nothing else really happened expect Wato picking up a yellow card, but in the dying minutes of the game, once again both sides re-emerged to life, another free-kick to Newport on the wing, with the resulting cross clear by Hoolihan.

Kowalinho denied by a Jualian save after a nice cross from O'Toibin, but the grand opportunity came for Newport, Pipe was clear on goal but passes to Sandell who had plenty of room – his chance to end it in style, but...


It was wide!!

After that the whistle was blown and we had scraped through, and in my emotion I ran over to the Newport manager, Martin Allen, and pointed to the score on the screen. 2-3 aggregate – we were going to the final!!


And we would face Hereford in the final after thrashing Stockport 5-2 at home, cancelling out the 0-1 win which Stockport earned in the first leg. It meant that we would face the second team that had tried and failed to pip us for the title in the final. I was ready for the challenge.

But between the final was two games of the league still with one being against Cambridge at home, for which I decided to rest Wato and O'Toibin for Vasily and Henderson, both of whom dropped to the bench. As this was our last home game, I wanted to make a statement of intent! I had to also overlook the piss poor performance of Clayton, as Eejit wouldn't be back till the next game against Barrow.


Saturday 27th April 2013
English Conference
Newark v. Cambridge
(Zbimg '22 '52)
MoM – L. Zbimg

The last game of the season, and it seemed sweet for the top goalscorer to take the limelight in the last game, with another outstanding performance to show his consistency which he has shown regularly. But it was once again another team effort as Hoolihan found the free Baz on the wing on the 22nd minute who crossed it perfectly over to Zbimg to bicycle kick it into the top corner for his 35th goal of the season!


The second goal came from amidst missed chances that wasn't taken or finished – one of which set up Zbimg second goal in the game, and possibly his last at the Boltsky Stadium, as Hemphill's low driven show was saved by Parish, but rebounded onto the feet of Zbimg who simply slotted it into the back of the net.


After the game, I dismissed the lads to go home and relax till the next game, not wanting them to over-tire. I also wanted to spend more time with Babe, which I could tell would be more and more difficult as time would get closer to the two most important dates of the year: The FA Trophy Final on 18th May 2013, and the Wedding on 22nd May 2013 – her birthday.

But when I got there I was confused with the image of Shepard, who looked more younger then before.


Niko: How is that possible?

After abandoning my Smeggy Smart car, I followed the more younger into his bungalow, in which I was shocked to see....


And the man himself had disappeared. The more and the more I started to think about it, the more confused I got. I just spent the rest of the time watching television, a recorded episode of 'Take Me Out!' with the annoying Paddy McGuinness as host.


Paddy: Hello mindless zombies of the Empire of Britiain, welcome to 'TAKE ME OUT'!

The annoying crowd chanted with the annoying host, making it an annoyance on my ears.

Paddy: This is the game show where suicide becomes TV Ratings, as you the viewers get to see how our depressed contestants chooses the best form which they think will make their bitter-sweet ending into sweet viewing! But remember, No choice of living?
Audience: Better stop breathing!
Paddy: Yeah. Now let's meet our first contestant!

From their they showed a video of a homeless man who is constantly being harassed and assaulted as he dwells into his self-assurance that he has no point of living, and that he has no respect from others. Basically an X-Factor sob-story. After watching the depressing video, it then came back to the annoying twat.

Paddy: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you another morbid cunt!

They all cheered as he was pushed onto the stage with his head in a potato bag, the hairy miserable fuck looked like he hadn't seen a meal in a week.

Paddy: So, AMC, we have a large choice of different ways of you to die-

Not wanting to partake in listening to the dickish presenter I fast forwarded, as he began to try and kill himself with different methods – fork to the eye, drinking brake fluid, toaster in a shower, getting married to Katie Price (Jordan) – all choices seeming being failed until the final 'mysterious' choice was to be made.

Paddy: Wow, this is a first!
AMC: Great!

He said sarcastically.

Paddy: For the first time ever, you have survived all of the normal methods, so now we have to choose the 'mysterious' suicide method!

The crowd went mental, like a bunch of brainwashed chimps watching Mrs Brown's Boys.

Paddy: So let's bring it out!

He then pointed to two stage hands who came on with a large wooden box, something that looked large. AMC then started to tare away at the wooden frame, until the thing came out.


Paddy: Yes, you will listen to Rylan Clark sing! Now, everybody in the studio has gotten ear plugs in, and the song will be muted for the viewers at home, so here we go!

As he said, there was no sound coming from the TV, just Rylan singing a shitty song with weird costumes and even wierder stage props which continued for five minutes intil finally, AMC dropped to the floor having a massive seizure to which his heart exploded and his one good eye burst.

Niko: Oh My Gawd! Rylan Clark killed AMC!
Paddy: That entertaining b:censored:!

With that I turned off the programme, and went to bed, with no sign of Babe coming back. I just thought, that maybe there was a hetic changes needed to be done for the Wedding, which she mentioned in a rant which I didn't really listen to, and would see her in the morning.

Another day passed, another step closer to the end of the chapter of my first season as a manager in England.

Meanwhile, somewhere dark and really ultra secretive.....


Waiter: We have failed in our bid to secure the information to him, despite our skilful displays of espionage. We came closer, but one of the new guys scared him off.
Voice: Bad. He needs to know what dangers are coming to him. We need him. They need him. He has already stopped him once.
Waiter: But something seems different about him?
Voice: I guess I might have to visit him myself.

The voice then stepped forward into the light, and closer to the man still disguised as a waiter.


Voice: Time for a personal visit. Been a while!!


30-07-13, 01:35 PM

Am I still injured ? Haven't featured even on the bench for over a month now. Hope the physio is fit :D

Simon Cowell:lol:

30-07-13, 01:36 PM

Am I still injured ? Haven't featured even on the bench for over a month now. Hope the physio is fit :D

Simon Cowell:lol:

Got two injuries off the bat, basically out till the last game of the league, and even then your fitness levels were shocking :P

30-07-13, 01:40 PM
Who's the man? Who scored for the final :D

30-07-13, 01:47 PM
Oh and BTW, if you guys haven't noticed it there has been hints throughout the whole season of the MAJOR storyline i have come for the next season (writing 1 major over-arching storyline per season, plus little random ones) if someone can decipher it then they win a cookie :D

30-07-13, 01:49 PM
Great work on the updates, and one step closer to the double!

My player has some great stats in the semi-final: 6/9 tackles including 4 key, 5/5 headers inc. 2 key! Mega.

Does the smeghead still want to move?

30-07-13, 01:52 PM
Great work on the updates, and one step closer to the double!

My player has some great stats in the semi-final: 6/9 tackles including 4 key, 5/5 headers inc. 2 key! Mega.

Does the smeghead still want to move?


Trying to keep him

30-07-13, 02:01 PM
*doesn't like his own stinking attitude
*thinks the club is a stepping stone TO STAY AT THE CLUB!
*thinks Hemphill is an inspired leader
*Likes to brown-nose whenever possible

30-07-13, 02:12 PM
Got two injuries off the bat, basically out till the last game of the league, and even then your fitness levels were shocking :P

Who said this was a game and not real life ?

Baron Zbimg
30-07-13, 02:18 PM
Yeah our players are too ambitious. We should take it one promotion at a time.
Great work in the semi, Kowalinho saves the day !

05-08-13, 11:35 AM
Don't expect to play a part in the final so good luck to those who are playing - Get us the double :ok:

21-08-13, 02:46 AM
MASSIVE Update on it's way ;)

Last Continuation

The next post will be 'awards' in which there will be Niko's assestment and screenshots of players, then Fans Player of the Year, and then you guys can choose yours and the maximum amount of votes to a singular player will win it. Will also be other Awards you guys will be able to vote for, because, why the hell not??

Stay tuned ;)

21-08-13, 05:07 AM
The First Journey
Chapter Nine:
Tying Up Loose Ends!

After such a successive few months, I found it hard to believe that I hadn't heard anything from the man ordering the operations for success and anything I had to do, so it was a bit of a surprised when I arrived to the stadium to the lure of Yermolai wanting to actually speak to me.

Descending to the usual threatening door, the noise of Russian rock music was thrown against my small and vulnerable ears, I knew that maybe he was in a good mood for once – but then again, it is Yermolai. The man who has had a history with hitman connections, and even rumours of him killing the real owner of Boltsky Industries. But as I awkwardly entering the room, the stench of vodka and cigars enter my nostril faster then an Ice Cream truck driving down the road when they hear a police siren. But what was even more off-putting was the imagery which I was forced to look at.


Niko: Oh forsaken! My eyes do not deserve this torture!
Yermolai: Nikolavski, my friend!

He said, in a more optimistic and higher toned voice then normal. It seemed strange for such a word to come out of the naked Russian human-bowling ball, that was seated in front of me.

Yermolai: Myself and Yasha are celebrating our winning of the league, and our future success of the FA Trophy!
Niko: You really like to count the chickens before they're laid don't you? And why are you dressed that way?
Yermolai: It is tradition in Russia, to wear this attire when you have had the sweet taste of victory! Hence tonight, myself, you – Nikolavski, and Yasha will drink the Vodka away, till the night opens and we have more Vodka! But after that...

The tension grow....


Yermolai: More Vodka!!

Till the morning lights, I drank with the two Russian lunatics only to be saved from alcohol poisoning thanks to the help from my number two – Riley Bartley – and senior coach (the only one really qualified after Yermolai's son isn't really 'football' material) Joel Power.


Riley: Right boss, we both think we should be the manager come next season.
Joel: Too f:censored:ing right! I was about to become the champion, then you come and take the f:censored:ing limelight! What have you done what me and Riley haven't?
Niko: Took a team into the UEFA Cup after saving them from relegation three seasons before which would mean they would be abolished from the league system?

They both looked dumbfounded.

Niko: Or the fact that I have won 3 league titles in three different countries?

Again they looked at one another.

Niko: And I have taken down two terrorist groups along side that, whilst still banging hot chicks and being cool?
Joel: Hey, I am more f:censored:ing cool! My name is Joel Power! Power-house!
Riley: Bitch, both my names end with a 'ley' on the end!

As we continued to bicker, the room from which I was just able to emerge from started to descend on us, like bailiffs on a late debt pay. It grabbed both Joel and Riley, who were still bickering, saying how one looked more like a model while the other one saying he is American, and therefore better then everyone, and as it dragged the two victims into it's toxic atmosphere, there was one word uttered out.


To which I replied.

Niko: Partying with Eastern Europeans – meh, Russian Standards!

As I started to walk away from the looming door, I heard the cries of my staff members as the music of the demonic drunks roared loudly.


As the gurgled noises tore away at my ears, I charged down the hall, trying to redeem myself that death would be the only solution. But thankfully I escaped, and was soon ready to put my head elsewhere (and not between the bosom of Babe, as I would want to!) but back to the football, with the last game of the season!

Even though I acknowledged the last game being the actual last game of OUR season as it was our last home game, I still started to over think about what kind of team I should play? With the surprising news that The Eejit was actually playable, I firstly decided he would neither or less – but for the rest it was the same eleven that played against Cambridge.


Saturday 4th May 2013
English Conference
Barrow v. Newark
(Rowe '54)(Zbimg'45, The Eejit '81)
Kowalinho injured '63
MoM – The Eejit

A wonderful display from the returning The Eejit turned heads forward, but the injury to Kowalinho turned them away. With the decisive game against Hereford just a few weeks away, the hefty challenge which rendered him with what my physio said looked like Strained knee ligaments – a three week injury – ruling him out of the game. The fact that it happened during the intense second half, rather then the boring first, made the tension towards the latter half of the even more fuelled.

It was on the dying moments of the first half, which had saw us waste multiple of chances, with only the stubborn brick wall of Eejit anchoring us from any counter attacks, that Hemphill found an ounce of inspiration from nothing and charged forward on the wing, crossing into the box founding the head of the diving Zbimg to earn us a well deserved lead.

But the second half was like a whole different game! Barrow, who had already sealed a midtable position, charged in number but was dispossessed by the almighty sliding tackle of The Eejit, which with the wet grass seemed more like a sliding taunt. The ball slipped from his legs, just as An Mask Crusader emerged on the field looking to streak.


But the ball flung right into his face crushing his 'secret' identity, and blocking any air to come from his nostrils making him suffocate in his mask. As we were shocked, the ref said play-on and the ball somehow had dropped to the feet of Rowe who used the distraction to his advantage and scored!

Riley: Oh My Gawd! That ball killed AMC!
Niko: Look at those cheating b:censored:s!

But we weren't bowing out! We charged on toward the goal, going pass the costumed corpse on the sideline, as Hemphill looked certain to do another assist when Skelton charged in shoulder-to-shoulder on Kowalinho, who fell instantly on the floor after he was caught running. Soon Van der Voom came on as Kowalinho was streched off, and it was only a short of time before a Hemphill corner was saved and the on-slaught that we had been known for had started.

But despite the new mentality, there was no way of breaking down their attacks without the determination and pace of Kowalinho up-front, until The Eejit decided to uncharacteristically charged up field – which I am sure was due to a certain section of fans holding whiskey and screaming something about 'Lynx', all of whom were female as well – he used the wet surface to his advantage passing the ball lightly so it would collect moist and bounce off the defenders boots, which it worked as it met the feet of Zbimg, who shot was awful as he slipped off the ball but was able to earn a corner.

Niko: Welcome to 101 Niko's Awesome Tactic Ideas!

I screamed as I watched as Hemphill took a rather unorthodox method of taking his corner, grabbing a scarf from the crowd to blindfold himself, remembering my lines.

Niko: Imagine the target as a naked woman. The only way to score with her is to find her head, and to knock the braincells out so she's doesn't judge you. But your blinded by lust, so have to close your eyes to do it. Remember where she was, what she looked like and go for it!

As he stepped up, the shocked and silent staff and crowd watched in horror as the ball was lobbed against the crowd, bouncing into the air off the wet surface towards the far post where The Eejit was stood checking out the women in the stadium behind, to which the ball hit the centre of his head and dropped into the back of the net as the players stood still. I was the only person celebrating as The Eejit fainted onto the floor, but got back up a second later.

Soon after the whistle went, and everyone spoke off the unusual nature of the goal, but I didn't care, we had ended the 2012/13 season with only losing 3 games, only 1 in the whole of 2013.

************************************************** **********************************************
English Conference - Wednesday 29th May 2013
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2012/13 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st C Newark 42 16 3 2 44 14 13 7 1 49 20 97
2nd Newport 42 12 6 3 35 20 12 1 8 35 23 79
3rd Hereford 42 12 7 2 48 27 9 3 9 37 35 73
4th Grimsby 42 14 6 1 42 19 4 10 7 27 30 70
5th Luton 42 8 6 7 22 22 11 6 4 43 28 69
6th Barrow 42 10 6 5 31 22 9 3 9 27 30 66
7th Woking 42 13 6 2 45 25 4 8 9 30 44 65
8th Telford Utd 42 12 3 6 41 30 6 6 9 22 27 63
9th Forest Green 42 11 4 6 36 31 6 8 7 25 27 63
10th Mansfield 42 10 8 3 30 19 7 3 11 23 30 62
11th Cambridge Utd 42 12 1 8 38 35 5 9 7 20 22 61
12th Kidderminster 42 9 3 9 39 44 8 6 7 40 42 60
13th Stockport 42 10 3 8 32 25 5 8 8 27 30 56
14th Macclesfield 42 10 7 4 47 30 4 5 12 32 48 54
15th Wrexham 42 9 7 5 29 25 4 4 13 33 54 50
16th Ebbsfleet Utd 42 10 8 3 32 22 2 3 16 19 45 47
17th Braintree 42 6 3 12 33 48 6 6 9 35 37 45
18th Southport 42 5 6 10 26 28 6 4 11 30 35 43
19th Gateshead 42 6 4 11 28 37 5 6 10 25 33 43
20th R Alfreton 42 7 5 9 30 36 2 7 12 18 35 39
21st R Hyde 42 4 11 6 39 43 3 1 17 21 50 33
22nd R Lincoln 42 6 4 11 24 36 2 3 16 20 46 31

It would be two weeks till the next game against Hereford, for these fourteen days I decided to give the players three days off to celebrate before meeting up for training. In those three days, something strange occurred on the news.


Reporter: Welcome to BBC News, today's breaking news is that Louis Walsh has been named as the new Prime Minister after the sudden death of the Supreme Prime Minister Simon Cowell, who has been said was killed by a 'solo asphyxiation'.

Soon the ugly muck came on the screen.


Louis: After spending so many years judging others on a judging panel which was scripted by Mr Cowell, I am determined that I will run this country to the best of my abilities.

Shocked I turned the TV off, knowing that something bad was going to happen with that Muppet in charge. After that, time was spent picking out different Shades of Gray for the Wedding towels, or something – but finally the day arrived, and the venue was Goodison Park.


As the team arrived, I noticed an absence of a certain Scot whom was told not to go out drinking the night before, but disobeyed my orders. Soon a got a text saying that he had somehow arrived in Glasgow from a train and had lost his mix CD, and would be spending the day searching for it.

Fortunately I had known something like this was going to happen and brought Clayton along encase something happened, meaning he would play in the Defensive Midfield slot with Wato in front of him who seemed to have relished the rest I had given him. Up-front was the prolific Zbimg and Ediz, who looked sharp during training for the injured Kowalinho. Henderson was dropped to the bench in favour for O'Toibin, which also sat Wood and Van der Voom. The back line was the usual with Hoolihan and BobMem in the heart of defence, Baz on the left and Hernandez on the right with Hemphill playing just in front of him.


Saturday 18th May 2013
English FA Trophy Final
Newark v. Hereford

It all looked set as we marched into the locker-room, with only one speech to give.

Niko: This is it, lads! This is what we have so hard worked for. It's double or nothing, defeat or glory. Time to shine those boots, and get dirty. We have came so far for this one opportunity, to win this trophy! So, let's go out there and do that! This is not a hostile ground or favourite, so less make it one!

The lads crowded round for the possible last time and shouted: “For Newark Athletic!”. We emerged from the tunnel determined, ready for the kick off as the referee Mark Clattenburg counted up the players and was ready for the first kick of the ball to be done!


Hereford kicked off but the first chance dropped to Zbimg, after a nice clearance from Baz, but was a routine save for Hanford who sent the ball back-up field. Marlon Jackson then took the control of the ball but Hoolihan was stopping with, dispossessing with a perfectly timed sliding tackle.

12 minutes on the clock Wato had our next chance, but watched as it went over the cross bar, but he didn't give up as he was found by Ediz charging into the box and half-volleyed onto goal!


But was denied with a fingertip save, earning a corner which was taking sloppy by Hemphill as Sammons cleared the ball.

It was the same routine for the next twenty minutes, Hereford braving the attacking, with one golden chance coming with O'Toibin chesting the cleared ball and dribbling past the opposition, and enduring the defending Gallinagh, to which he was able to do a nice curling cross into the box which was found by EDIZ WHO..




He celebrated, but we knew that wouldn't be enough. The memory of the 4-4 opening day result still resonating within our minds, but it was five minutes later as Ediz went for a second only to be denied by former Northampton man Chris Carruthers who blocked the shot and collected the loose ball.


It was clear we needed a second before the end of the half, and so did Hemphill know that as he shrugged off the persistence of Carruthers and crossed the ball over to O'Toibin who unselfishly laid it off to the charging Wato, who...


Got the second with an outstanding right footed volley! Hanford just watched in awe with the sheer power, and the second goal came.

Added time. All we needed to do was hold on. Hold onto the lead till the end of the whistle. But Hereford had a thrown-in taken by Smikle who throw it Carruthers whose peskiness got worse with a nicely delivered cross as Sammons made out defence look like salmons out of water, charging onto the end of the ball and scoring a decisive late goal for Hereford. My heart was in the back of my throat, the former Birmingham reject had but ensured that Hereford was still in this!

Withstanding the next wave of attacks, the holy grail of the whistle came. In the locker-room it was clear: be more CLINICAL in front of goal!


The second half resumed the game, and Hereford were being the pesky fucks that I knew they were. Defending everything and everywhere. Blocking as Hernandez had a rare shot on goal from a nice Hemphill cross. But they were still looking for the equaliser.

50th Minute, free kick was given as Clayton held onto Smikle like a baby on it's mother's tit. Townsend searched for the annoying fuck Carruthers, who gathered the ball but was stolen by Hoolihan!

We soon found another ounce of determination as our fans started to speak their mind!


Hemphill sought on for O'Toibin but was caught by Hanford, and another counter break emerged with Jackson looking to past Wato, which was going to happen, the Englishman with stood his failed attempts as skills and pushed on for another attack which died out.

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/003124657/4738389092_nail_biting_disease_answer_1_xlarge.jpe g

It seemed my advice wasn't getting through, as Shepard had to give a way a corner that to a shot from Smikle. Corner was taken by the prick, Carruthers, but was easily dealt with.

70th minute, free kick was given to us, finally a chance to the one man I can really rely on for stepping up when it was really needed....


The free kick was aiming to O'Toibin who once again tried to be unselfish, trying to find the feet of Wato as he headed the ball over Gallinagh, but no luck as the back-tracking Smikle was there to collect the ball.

Five more minutes a corner, surely! Hemphill into the box..


A fine header by Zbimg denied by a clearance off the goal line and out for another corner. Which was awful and Sammons tried to play it out of the defence.

81 minutes, we had only nine minutes to defend our lead as the prick, Carruthers, laid the ball to goal machine Bowman, whose a future Notts County player, who then laid it off for Sloan who shot was pushed out stupidly by Shepard, and...



I heard from the opposing manager, as the lads looked tired and miserable. No.. No... This wasn't happening? A lead which we worked so hard for now gone by a stupid mistake from a normally reliable keeper?

Attack and attack was once again the same – all style but no finish. Shepard was replaced by Wood after 88 minutes as I didn't want to see him in a Newark shirt on the field any longer. Wato, Zbimg, Ediz, Hemphill and even fucking Hernandez tried but it all came to nothing as the pricking pricks of prickinton held on for the draw!

2-2. It was a shocking end to a brilliant second half for a neutral, but I wasn't a fucking neutral, and I know that we deserved to win it!! 14 chances, 10 on goal – 2 taken and 80% wasted.

It wasn't fair for Ediz and Wato who had scored those two goals. It wasn't fair for O'Toibin who had worked his ass off for those two assists and the Man of the Match award. And it all down to that one poor decision from Shepard.

We would have to do all the hard work once more.... Wednesday 22nd May 2013, the date of my Wedding, the date of the most important game of my career.


After the game I felt like hell, how could have that happened? What's worse was the reaction from Babe after I told her what was going to happen. She had left her job, and was so into the planning she didn't really keep up the scores or the teams, constantly always trying to get her family members to come to the big day (some of whom haven't spoken to each other for years!).

I returned home, nervous and scared to what might happen? Would she break up with me? Or, even worse, would she tie my down on the ground and then drive over my balls with my own smegging car?

Niko: What the hell!

I screamed to myself as I stood outside the door, to which alerted her to my prescence, opening the door, to reveal the light of the veil of my darkness.


There must be a way for me to keep this secret? The drive from Newark to Liverpool is about 2 hours and a half, and the kick-off is early in the morning? If the lads leave on Tuesday, say it was my Stag Do, and the wedding isn't going to be held till nearly five, that means I got to the match aswell as get married!

As a large smiled emerged from my once gloomy face, Babe seemed confused.

Babe: What's wrong?
Niko: I am going to have my stag party in Liverpool, Babe.
Babe: What? Why so far?
Niko: Because I wouldn't be able to resist you otherwise! I'll be back for the Wedding at the castle Babe, I am sure!
Babe: Okay, as long as you don't do anything crazy!

I kissed, out of pity for knowing what was truthfully going on. Despite my anxious about not trying to spill the baked beans, we soon fell onto the sofa and soon fireworks went off.


All I could hope that we could get the win and not to go into extra-time!

With that dealt with it was time...

We arrived at the stadium on that Tuesday, with my tuxedo in my suitcase ready for tomorrow, and instantly started to train. The Eejit had come back but didn't seem to be as fit as the rest of the lads, but I was sure he would be okay for at least a cameo tomorrow if needed. But the next day, that wasn't so certain...


I got up early, dressed into my expensive black silk tuxedo and met with the rest of the squad, but there was one problem, The Eejit hadn't arrived. Once again it had seemed to put the team down! Not wanting to waste another minute, we all arrived in the away locker-rooms of Goodison Park, when there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find the referee of the game: Jessica Dabbs.


Dabbs: Mr Bergstrom, I am sorry to inform you but your player The Eejit is suspended from playing in this fixture. Late last night when I was about to retire to my bed, he followed me to my room and broke in while I was in the shower.

IN the shower.... C'mon Niko! No Lewd thoughts! You are gonna be a married man in a couple of hours!

Niko: Okay?
Dabbs: He then proceeded to get naked and lay in my bed waiting for me. He laid there spraying himself with 'Lynx' and a two Manhattans. To which he replied to my enquiries as: 'Awrite hen, want tae taste an' reek th' essence ay a a scuttle god?'.
Niko: And?
Dabbs: Initially I dismissed his advances, but he was intoxic – we then proceeded to have sexual relationships several times, before falling asleep cuddling. When I awoke he was gone leaving me a note, saying thanks for the cheap f:censored:.
Niko: Right, and so?
Dabbs: So, in order to be impartial over the course of the game, he needs to be suspended in order for that to be possible.
Niko: But he's not even here?

She then frowned and walked away, to what I thought was tears dropping from her face. But I didn't really care, all I wanted was to get the game over and done with. The team was the same as last time:


All I could hope was that we could be more clinical this time with our finishing, which was once again the speech that was given. Out of the tunnel, Hereford kicked off what I hoped would be an easy result for us.


But from the first moment it was the prick, Carruthers, that made Shepard make the first save of the game. I wasn't going to ruin this tuxedo because of these pricks! And soon the beast known as Hemphill was unleashed!!

Hemphill's singular run from the halfway line, just five minutes in, was finished with a powerhouse shot, but was he done there?

FUCK NO! It's the fucking Captain!

He earned a corner, which he took beautifully towards Hoolihan whose header could recuperate the same enthusiasm as it went wide.


We were on our game, this wasn't Newark just a few days a go, this was the REAL Newark! 25 minutes on the clock, Hemphill had another opportunity to give us a lead after a Smikle handball – the stupid fuck!


He lined it up as it would normally do, but it's power lost it's curve making it an easy save for Hanford, but the power was too much for him to hold onto, the ball to fall to the feet of Carruthers.

Another few minutes, and again we were on attack on the right hand size. Hernandez lobbed the ball perfectly to Hemphill, who was in space, 30 yards ahead who let it bounce and then pounce to..



He had done it, the man who was making it all happen had done it... but then a horrible image was shown.


Even before he could do his moonwalk celebration, the assistant raised his pesky little flag, Hemphill 'had' been offside. I screamed out!

Niko: Are you fucking blind? That wasn't offside! My arse could tell better decisions then that!!

But soon my aggravated abuse seemed to get the attention of the referee who walked and...


Gave me a yellow card, as I was about to stretch out my arm to complain, I then thought I heard stitching coming out of my £1,000 silk tuxedo and just remained silent.

In the dying embers of the first half Ediz nearly scored the second, I mean the first, goal of the game was denied by another save from Hanford, who had started to get on my nerves! From the save we earned another corner which was easily gathered again by that up-coming prick, Hanford!


At half-time, it was clear that the lads were putting their all in, but by this kind of team display, we would be playing penalties! I yelled at them about trying to help more with the attack by being the people at the end of the crosses and passes rather then consistently doing them – which was normally given away!

http://292fc373eb1b8428f75b-7f75e5eb51943043279413a54aaa858a.r38.cf3.rackcdn.c om/fdf230feb18e8ee49f8b24567df01e8f-1182034647-1301567645-4d94589d-620x348.jpg

But, yet again, my words seemed to be on deaf ears as it was another series of saves and misplaced shot, or even blocks, denying us. We were the clear better team, and the pricks were basically parking the bus just to piss me off!

But finally an hour into the game, Hereford finally discovered the other side of the pitch! As the prick, Carruthers, put a low cross into the box for Sloan. Sloan powered the ball towards the goal, but ha! Jose Hernandez was right in between the goal, the keeper and Sloan, and would just clear the ball!


If only.

Instead it bounced off his shin and went flying into the other side of the goal that it seemed to be going towards. Hereford were leading, THANKS TO A FUCKING OWN GOAL WITH THEIR SECOND SHOT ON FUCKING GOAL!!!

After the restart, the next chance of ours fell for the DEFENDER BobMem whose long shot was gathered with ease by Hanford, as I swallowed my anger. Next minute, Hemphill to Zbimg whose header seemed certain for a goal after Hanford finally fucked-up!

But was cleared once more by Sloan.


I turned towards Riley, begging for an answer.

Niko: A team that had scored 93 times in the league, can't score against a goalkeeper who has let in over 74 fucking goals in the last season? What the hell!

He shrugged his shoulders and continued watching the onslaught, which had no slaughtering, as it was Clayton's time to feed Zbimg with a perfect chip which was rushed by Zbimg with a half-arsed volley, which went wide.

Then it got worse, the prick, Carruthers, gained momentum and charged down the field to cross it towards the reject Sammons, who forced a save from an otherwise bored Shepard, but they got a rare corner. The cocky prick took it short to Gallinagh who tried to cross it for Townsend, but the welcoming site of BobMem smacked the ball away toward the half way line.

Again we attacked, Clayton doing his Deep-playmaker role played it nice for Zbimg, who header was higher then Peter Crouches matchstick legs. Again others tried, O'Toibin denied by Hanford, Clayton denied by fucking Hanford – but in the end, the pricking pricks won thanks to a fucking own goal.


They celebrated in our faces, as I just shook my head and walked off. I told Riley to go easy on the lads. They deserved to win, and it wasn't completely there fault for a mistake I made – they knew how to play against this team selection, and I was being predictable for choosing it again.

Despite my beliefs that Clayton, Zbimg or Hemphill should have deserved the Man of the Match award, it was given to Dan Hanford, which I heard as the echoes of the stadium announces screamed it to the seal happy crowd. The walk towards the car park was the most lonliest I had ever felt. This. This was meant to be my happiest day in my life! Winning this trophy, my first ever domestic trophy, and getting married to the woman I love. But now....

The realisation began to dig deep into my heart. I had already lied to her, and I didn't even succeeded in the thing I was lying about, what kind of husband would I be? I shook it off as I came out the cold breeze, which shook me out of my catatonic thoughts. As I arrived to the place where I parked my smegging car, something shocked me.


Niko: What the hell! Who would want my shitty Smart car? Wait. This is Liverpool.

I said hanging my head as I walked towards the bus stop; how was I meant to get home in time now?


As I got onto the bus and only the motorway, I could tell shit was about to get worse we soon broke down onto a lay-by. It was nearly an hour before a repairman can, who said he needed another opinion which took another hour. By the end, it seemed I was going to be later then I would have liked, which was worsen when...


Antagonistic Midget Commander emerged from nowwhere!

AMC: Nikolavski Bergstrom!
Niko: What the Hell! Why can't I have just one moment of peace today?
AMC: We have waited for this opportunity, now you shall-

As he said that he was shot in the head, thankfully by an unknown assailant.

Repairman: Oh My Gawd! An Unknown Bullet killed AMC!
Niko: That beautiful B:censored:! Now I can go home!

And with that being said..


Buble: May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Niko: Oh, What the actual fucking Hell!? Can't I have a moment of peace?

And then from the sky emerged.


Costumed Guy: You shall go home, kind sir. In a body bag!

He said withdrawing a red laser and slicing off his head.

Costumed Guy: I am Daft Archie! Now, I must 'head' off. Muhahahaha!

He said grabbing the head and pissing off, as I started to get more angry.

Niko: Anymore unneeded appearances?

And then of course.


Young Wolf arrived.

Young Wolf: Get on the choppa!
Niko: You know that gets boring right?

He screamed at me, not wanting to have another confrontation, I obliged and soon he drove as fast as he could down the motorway, heading one way, towards Niko. He literally was my Dues Ex Machina. We arrived in Newark just half an hour late, my suit was creased and was full of dead bugs – but I wasn't bothered – all I wanted to do was marry Babe and get this whole thing done with, but she wasn't at the altar? I looked around and found the healed Kowalinho, with whom I presumed was his dream girl.


She was so HOT!

Niko: Kowalinho, who this?

I said intoxicated by her alluring effects.

Kowalinho: My plus one for your no wedding, no. How should I say this?
Niko: Less of the speech defect, just tell me!
Kowalinho: This is Princess Ama Peach, a royal queen of some island called Sealand or something!
Ama: It is indeed nice to meet you, Mr Bergstrom.
Niko: No, it is nice to FINALLY meet you, Princess!

I said kissing her hand, which made Kowalinho furious.

Kowalinho: If you don't mind dear, could I speak to Niko alone please?

She nodded back, walking stylishly away, with her fine ass swinging side to side.

Kowalinho: Hey! Where have you been? I thought you said you would be here by now? Your like, how can I this? Late!
Niko: You lucky bastard!
Kowalinho: Hey! Look, Babe went into the museum with a family member, I think she's crying thinking you left her at the altar or something.
Niko: Shit!!
Kowalinho: Go run after her then, as clichι as that is!

And I did, I ran to the museum at the front of the castle, I opened the door, only to find something horrid.

It all went slow motion.


Babe looked like an angel, in her dress, like usual – but why was she kissing...



I stared as they kept making out on a table, her laughing as he nibbled that one spot – the side of her nick, near her shoulder. As the wind blew into the haunting painting, the door bashed against the wall and they both turned to see me stood there. I wanted to walk over there and hurt him. Punch him. Smack him.

But as they stared into my eyes, I just stood there staring into the air, not specifically them, but somewhere in the dancing waves of the cold breeze. Until she called out my name, in an ashamed tone, a disheartening tone. I smirked at them and nodded before pulling off my tie.

Niko: Sretno jedni s drugima, sinovi kurva!

I said in my native tongue, before spinning round and slamming the door – feeling like a noose had finally been released from my neck. I walked towards a hot woman on the street.


Niko: Do you know where the closest restaurant is? I'm new around here?
Woman: Sure, just over there.

She said pointing towards Zizi's.

Niko: Thanks.

I said walking away leaving her confused and intrigued.

Niko: Want to join me, I’ll pay?

Shocked and confused she nervously nodded, walking past the venue of my wedding and across the road to the restaurant where it all started.

And as the tie flew around my neck in the cold breeze, I chucked it to dance into the wind, allowing it to find it's own freedom – which I had just got back.

************************************************** **********************************************
English Conference - Wednesday 29th May 2002
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2001/2 Table
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts
1st C Newark 42 16 3 2 44 14 13 7 1 49 20 97
2nd Newport 42 12 6 3 35 20 12 1 8 35 23 79
3rd Hereford 42 12 7 2 48 27 9 3 9 37 35 73
4th Grimsby 42 14 6 1 42 19 4 10 7 27 30 70
5th Luton 42 8 6 7 22 22 11 6 4 43 28 69
6th Barrow 42 10 6 5 31 22 9 3 9 27 30 66
7th Woking 42 13 6 2 45 25 4 8 9 30 44 65
8th Telford Utd 42 12 3 6 41 30 6 6 9 22 27 63
9th Forest Green 42 11 4 6 36 31 6 8 7 25 27 63
10th Mansfield 42 10 8 3 30 19 7 3 11 23 30 62
11th Cambridge Utd 42 12 1 8 38 35 5 9 7 20 22 61
12th Kidderminster 42 9 3 9 39 44 8 6 7 40 42 60
13th Stockport 42 10 3 8 32 25 5 8 8 27 30 56
14th Macclesfield 42 10 7 4 47 30 4 5 12 32 48 54
15th Wrexham 42 9 7 5 29 25 4 4 13 33 54 50
16th Ebbsfleet Utd 42 10 8 3 32 22 2 3 16 19 45 47
17th Braintree 42 6 3 12 33 48 6 6 9 35 37 45
18th Southport 42 5 6 10 26 28 6 4 11 30 35 43
19th Gateshead 42 6 4 11 28 37 5 6 10 25 33 43
20th R Alfreton 42 7 5 9 30 36 2 7 12 18 35 39
21st R Hyde 42 4 11 6 39 43 3 1 17 21 50 33
22nd R Lincoln 42 6 4 11 24 36 2 3 16 20 46 31

================================================== ==============================================
2001/2 Goals
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps Gls
1st Lorenzo Zbimg Newark 31 (1) 32
2nd Chris Sharp Telford Utd 42 23
3rd Scott Rendell Luton 41 (1) 23
4th Delroy Facey Hereford 40 23
5th Brett Williams Woking 42 22
6th Ryan Rowe Kidderminster 38 (2) 20
7th Giuseppe Sole Woking 41 20
8th Matthew Barnes-Homer Macclesfield 33 (2) 18
9th Ben Tomlinson Alfreton 35 18
10th Leighton McGivern Stockport 39 18
11th Ryan Bowman Hereford 27 (9) 18
12th Obi Anoruo Barrow 30 (1) 17
13th James Brown Gateshead 40 17
14th Darren Byfield Telford Utd 41 17
15th Anthony Elding Grimsby 35 (1) 17
16th Waide Fairhurst Macclesfield 26 (1) 17
17th Kane Shepherd Braintree 42 16
18th Ben Hutchinson Mansfield 41 16
19th Aaron Woodley Newport 19 (7) 15
20th Reece Styche Forest Green 42 15
21st Moses Ashikodi Ebbsfleet Utd 42 15
22nd Stuart Fleetwood Luton 32 (6) 14
23rd Danny Crow Newport 42 14
24th Jake Speight Mansfield 42 14
25th Adam Marriott Cambridge Utd 28 14
26th Aaron O'Connor Newport 41 13
27th Ryan Charles Newport 32 (4) 12
28th Colin Larkin Lincoln 42 12
29th John Grant Southport 30 11
30th Craig Disley Grimsby 42 11

================================================== ==============================================
2001/2 Assists
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps Asts
1st Joe Colbeck Grimsby 41 19
2nd Fraser Hemphill Newark 34 (1) 18
3rd Brian Smikle Hereford 41 14
4th Jamie Barton Gateshead 28 (2) 13
5th Aaron O'Connor Newport 41 13
6th Chris Carruthers Hereford 41 13
7th Anthony McNamee Macclesfield 36 12
8th Chris Sharp Telford Utd 42 11
9th Matty Mainwaring Stockport 39 (1) 11
10th Colin Daniel Mansfield 31 (6) 11
11th Diarmuid O'Toib匤 Newark 27 11
12th Jake Moult Alfreton 22 10
13th Harrison Dunk Cambridge Utd 38 9
14th Michael Demetriou Kidderminster 42 9
15th Euan Holden Stockport 38 9
16th Samir Carruthers Wrexham 26 9
17th Matt Robinson Luton 41 9
18th Richie Baker Barrow 42 9
19th Kevin Betsy Woking 36 (3) 9
20th Adam Newton Woking 40 (2) 9
21st Ryan Peters Braintree 35 (3) 9
22nd Lee Sawyer Woking 40 9
23rd James Vincent Kidderminster 34 (1) 9
24th Luke Hubbins Telford Utd 36 (2) 8
25th Derek Niven Grimsby 40 8
26th Neil Ashton Wrexham 42 8
27th Louie Soares Ebbsfleet Utd 38 8
28th Gary Roberts Mansfield 42 8
29th Tom Phipp Ebbsfleet Utd 39 7
30th Ashley Checketts Kidderminster 36 7

================================================== ==============================================
2001/2 Average Rating
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps Av R
1st Lorenzo Zbimg Newark 31 (1) 8.31
2nd Waide Fairhurst Macclesfield 26 (1) 7.89
3rd Volkan Ediz Newark 25 (4) 7.83
4th Chris Sharp Telford Utd 42 7.76
5th Giuseppe Sole Woking 41 7.71
6th James Tunnicliffe Stockport 42 7.67
7th Aaron Woodley Newport 19 (7) 7.65
8th Diarmuid O'Toib匤 Newark 27 7.63
9th Delroy Facey Hereford 40 7.63
10th Chris Todd Forest Green 35 7.60
11th Neil Ashton Wrexham 42 7.55
12th Daniel O'Donnell Stockport 37 7.54
13th George Pilkington Mansfield 37 7.54
14th Brett Williams Woking 42 7.52
15th Dean Beckwith Luton 42 7.50
16th Garry Richards Luton 40 7.50
17th Roddy Hoolihan Newark 32 7.50
18th Matthew Barnes-Homer Macclesfield 33 (2) 7.49
19th Kowalinho Newark 18 (3) 7.48
20th Mark Clayton Newark 28 (2) 7.47
21st Brian Smikle Hereford 41 7.46
22nd Fraser Hemphill Newark 34 (1) 7.46
23rd Aaron O'Connor Newport 41 7.44
24th David Pipe Newport 37 7.43
25th Adam Marriott Cambridge Utd 28 7.43
26th Shepard Newark 39 (1) 7.42
27th Kane Shepherd Braintree 42 7.40
28th Scott Rendell Luton 41 (1) 7.40
29th Will Salmon Telford Utd 40 7.40
30th James Norwood Forest Green 28 (7) 7.40

================================================== ==============================================
2001/2 Man of Match
================================================== ==============================================

Pos Player Club Apps MoM
1st Lorenzo Zbimg Newark 31 (1) 13
2nd Chris Sharp Telford Utd 42 11
3rd Waide Fairhurst Macclesfield 26 (1) 10
4th Scott Rendell Luton 41 (1) 9
5th Giuseppe Sole Woking 41 7
6th Aaron Woodley Newport 19 (7) 5
7th Kane Shepherd Braintree 42 5
8th Paul Malone Southport 23 5
9th Chris Todd Forest Green 35 5
10th Aaron O'Connor Newport 41 5
11th Brian Smikle Hereford 41 5
12th Daniel O'Donnell Stockport 37 5
13th James Tunnicliffe Stockport 42 5
14th Craig Disley Grimsby 42 5
15th George Pilkington Mansfield 37 5
16th Leighton McGivern Stockport 39 5
17th Garry Richards Luton 40 5
18th Ryan Bowman Hereford 27 (9) 5
19th Adam Marriott Cambridge Utd 28 5
20th Danny Crow Newport 42 4
21st Matthew Barnes-Homer Macclesfield 33 (2) 4
22nd Obi Anoruo Barrow 30 (1) 4
23rd Brett Williams Woking 42 4
24th Ben Tomlinson Alfreton 35 4
25th Richie Baker Barrow 42 4
26th Delroy Facey Hereford 40 4
27th David Pipe Newport 37 4
28th Dean Beckwith Luton 42 4
29th Colin Daniel Mansfield 31 (6) 4
30th Danny Hattersley Stockport 18 (5) 4

************************************************** **********************************************
Newark Athletic FC - Wednesday 29th May 2002
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2001/2 Fixtures
================================================== ==============================================

Date Opposition Ven Competition Res Attend Scorers
18.7.01 Rochdale H Friendly 3:0 10637 Wato, Ediz 2
23.7.01 Cheltenham H Vodka Cup Semi Final 3:0 2577 Kowalinho, Wato, O'Toib匤
24.7.01 Bournemouth H Vodka Cup Final 0:0 3609
28.7.01 THES Sport BEL H Boltsky Cup Semi Final 4:0 1636 Van der Voom 2, Wato, Sulonen
29.7.01 Blackpool H Boltsky Cup Final 0:2 5918
18.8.01 Hereford A Conference 4:4 4245 Ediz 2, Kowalinho, Baz
21.8.01 Hyde H Conference 3:0 4068 Wato, Kowalinho 2
25.8.01 Southport A Conference 3:0 4713 Van der Voom 2, Ediz
29.8.01 Woking H Conference 2:1 6556 Henderson, Hemphill
1.9.01 Braintree A Conference 2:1 2398 Wato, Ediz
3.9.01 Newport H Conference 1:0 6444 Van der Voom
8.9.01 Mansfield A Conference 0:0 4960
11.9.01 Stockport H Conference 3:2 7460 Ediz 2, Wato
15.9.01 Kidderminster A Conference 3:1 2205 Ediz, O'Toib匤, Zbimg
22.9.01 Grimsby H Conference 1:1 7387 Ediz
25.9.01 Gateshead H Conference 0:1 6162
29.9.01 Wrexham H Conference 5:1 7207 Zbimg 5
6.10.01 Ebbsfleet Utd A Conference 1:1 2292 Ediz
13.10.01 Truro H FA Cup Qual.Rnd 5:1 2330 Sulonen, Van der Voom 2, Hemphill, Wato
27.10.01 Telford Utd H Conference 3:0 4722 Wato, Ediz, Hemphill
7.11.01 Macclesfield A Conference 2:2 4827 O'Toib匤, Zbimg
10.11.01 Alfreton A Conference 2:0 1146 Van der Voom 2
17.11.01 MK Dons A FA Cup 1st Rnd 1:1 6064 Zbimg
24.11.01 Grimsby H FA Trophy 2nd Rnd 2:1 1194 Zbimg, O'Toib匤
28.11.01 MK Dons H FA Cup 1st Rnd Replay 0:2 10482
1.12.01 Luton A Conference 3:3 6609 Kowalinho 2, Zbimg
8.12.01 Barrow H Conference 2:0 6373 Henderson pen, Zbimg
12.12.01 Lincoln H Conference 2:0 8470 Kowalinho, Vasily
15.12.01 Cambridge Utd A Conference 1:0 3785 Vasily
22.12.01 Forest Green H Conference 1:0 7870 Kowalinho
26.12.01 Hereford H Conference 1:1 6849 Zbimg
29.12.01 Woking A Conference 0:1 2789
5.1.02 Braintree H Conference 3:1 6325 O'Toib匤, Zbimg, Wato
12.1.02 Hyde A Conference 4:0 1362 Wato, Zbimg, O'Toib匤, The Eejit
19.1.02 Guiseley A FA Trophy 3rd Rnd 2:0 118 The Eejit, Hemphill
23.1.02 Southport H Conference 1:2 4957 Kowalinho
26.1.02 Newport A Conference 1:1 5131 Wato
2.2.02 Kidderminster H Conference 3:0 6667 BobMem, Zbimg 2
9.2.02 Farnborough A FA Trophy 4th Rnd 4:1 719 Van der Voom 2, Zbimg 2
13.2.02 Grimsby A Conference 2:2 6254 O'Toib匤, Zbimg
16.2.02 Mansfield H Conference 1:0 6813 Ediz
23.2.02 Stockport A Conference 3:1 6304 Zbimg 3
2.3.02 Ebbsfleet Utd H Conference 4:1 6250 Zbimg 3, Hemphill
9.3.02 Macclesfield H Conference 2:0 6619 Zbimg, O'Toib匤
12.3.02 Gateshead A Conference 3:0 1416 Zbimg 2, Wato
16.3.02 Wrexham A Conference 3:0 3902 Zbimg 2, Liam
23.3.02 Lincoln A Conference 4:0 4745 Zbimg 2, Hemphill, Wato
30.3.02 Luton H Conference 2:2 7903 Wato, Kowalinho
6.4.02 Telford Utd A Conference 3:1 5776 Zbimg, Hemphill, Kowalinho
8.4.02 Alfreton H Conference 2:1 6115 Van der Voom 2
13.4.02 Newport H FA Trophy Semi Final Leg 1 2:0 10302 Zbimg, Wato
17.4.02 Forest Green A Conference 3:1 2542 Zannit, O'Toib匤, Van der Voom
20.4.02 Newport A FA Trophy Semi Final Leg 2 1:2 3627 Kowalinho
27.4.02 Cambridge Utd H Conference 2:0 7180 Zbimg 2
4.5.02 Barrow A Conference 2:1 4104 Zbimg, The Eejit
18.5.02 Hereford N FA Trophy Final 2:2 29129 Ediz, Wato
22.5.02 Hereford N FA Trophy Final Replay 0:1 18571

************************************************** **********************************************
Newark Athletic FC - Wednesday 29th May 2002
************************************************** **********************************************

================================================== ==============================================
2001/2 Senior Club Stats
================================================== ==============================================

No Name Apps Gls Con Pens Asts Yel Red MoM Av R
- Bamford, Patrick - - - - - - - - ----
- Baz 48 1 0 0 4 0 1 0 6.88
- BobMem 51 (1) 1 0 0 1 6 0 1 7.27
- Clayton, Mark 35 (2) 0 0 0 6 5 0 2 7.46
- Ediz, Volkan 28 (5) 12 0 0 5 0 0 1 7.82
- Hemphill, Fraser 44 (1) 7 0 0 24 1 0 2 7.53
- Henderson, Mark 23 (7) 2 0 1 (1) 9 1 0 0 6.87
- Hoolihan, Roddy 37 0 0 0 1 5 0 0 7.49
- Jose Hernandez 36 0 0 0 2 2 0 0 7.03
- Kowalinho 23 (3) 11 0 0 5 1 1 4 7.54
- Liam 32 1 0 0 0 2 0 0 7.25
- O'Toib匤, Diarmuid 36 8 0 0 13 2 1 5 7.50
- Osbourne, Nicky - - - - - - - - ----
- Shepard 49 (1) 0 39 0 0 0 0 1 7.46
- Sulonen, Hannu 6 (2) 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.25
- The Eejit 16 (2) 3 0 0 1 2 1 1 7.22
- Van der Voom, Henrik 9 (6) 12 0 0 4 0 0 2 8.00
- Vasily, Artur 9 (2) 2 0 0 1 0 0 1 7.00
- Wato, Eddy 38 (3) 13 0 0 7 4 1 3 7.32
- Wood, John 3 (2) 0 6 0 0 0 0 0 6.80
- Zannit, Terrance 10 (2) 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 6.67
- Zbimg, Lorenzo 39 (1) 37 0 0 6 1 0 16 8.28

21-08-13, 01:58 PM
Great story telling. Looking forward to the end of season awards party.

Real shame about the final though.

Zbing top goalscorer, highest average rating, 16 MoM awards. I can guess who fans' player of the year is then :)