View Full Version : [STORY] CM Vipers - Class of Season 1

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17-04-14, 02:33 PM

Goofy's associate is a genius, I absolutely loved the new logo for www.champman0102.co.uk and was in the process of uploading it as a favicon for the website when I heard a knock on the door. I thought that was pretty odd given that I lived in a block of flats where the only point of entry was via a buzzer on the ground floor. Perhaps it was a neighbour complaining that I was playing loud music again or something, I had been rocking out to a bit of Kasabian earlier on, after all.

I opened the door when I received the shock of my life:

Caller: Hello, Mark!

Mark: Gaffer! What the hell are you doing here?!

Gaffer: Ah well, you know. I've been travelling the world, visiting some marvellous places like Tokyo, Sydney, Moscow, New York and was actually in London the other day when I found out that you were back in charge of www.champman0102.co.uk!

Mark: Riiiight. But that doesn't answer my question, what the fuck are you doing here?!

Gaffer: Hey, now, come on. Do I need a reason to be here? I thought we were good friends?

He had a point. The Gaffer had formed CM Forums City a good few years ago where only members of www.champman0102.co.uk were allowed to play for the club. He was actually a pretty good manager before the club folded and came back as CM Vipers in 2011, only to fold again within a year. But when I had sold www.champman0102.co.uk to WelshRed, I hadn't heard from the guy since.

Gaffer: As I was saying, I read about you coming back as the owner of champman0102.co.uk and it got me thinking... Aren't you going to invite me in?!

Mark: Oh yeah, sorry. I was just a bit shocked to see you. Come in... The place is in a bit of a mess though.


Gaffer: Crikey, what's happened here?

Mark: It's a new kitchen. Well, I say new but it's actually my mum's old kitchen. She had a new one and asked if I wanted her old one to replace the one I have now so I said yeah and here we are... Me and the old man have already done the wall units and this is just all the floor units, worktops and the sink. Didn't quite think it through though as there's nowhere to move. Here...

I made to push the nearest floor unit out of the way so that we could both squat down on the sofa that I had pushed up against the back of the room.

Mark: I'd offer you a drink but there's nothing in the fridge...

Gaffer: That's a shame, I could have done with a strong drink after that trip. I've come from Rio, you know...

Mark: Not my problem. What ya doing here then?

Gaffer: As I was saying, I've been doing a lot of travelling and to be honest, it's boring me a bit now. Football is what I know best and as I said, I read about you being back in charge and dared to wonder...

I knew exactly what he was going to say...

Gaffer: ...CM Vipers! Could it be third time lucky?

Mark: I knew you were going to say that!

The Gaffer: Well, why not? It was good fun before, wasn't it?

Mark: Well, yeah and it was a great experience for everyone at www.champman0102.co.uk but what makes you think it'll work this time around?

The Gaffer: Third time lucky, like I said!

Mark: Third time? It feels like it's been more than that. I'm sure we've tried it more times.

The Gaffer: Not with me, you haven't. I was here for CM Forums City and then the last time out.

Mark: But we always seem to fail. Like the time we actually got into the Third Division, then it all went Pete Tong!

The Gaffer: Look, I'm telling you. It'll be good and I know you've got a core team of VIP members already ready to go! Some have the experience of last time to help us through it, others will be doing it for the first time and will be full of enthusiasm!

Mark: I don't know. It seems like it'll be a lot of work. I've already got a lot on my plate...

The Gaffer: What, with the kitchen? Get your old man to sort it. We've got a club to form...

Mark: He won't like that...

The Gaffer: Go on... I'll even let you sign up as a player...!

Mark: Really? I already play for a Sunday league team though! You know what, let's do it!

The Gaffer: YES!

Mark: You're in charge for the lot though.

The Gaffer: Of course, of course.

Mark: OK, first things first... We can't do anything without players?

The Gaffer: I know... That can only mean one thing... TRIALS!

17-04-14, 02:45 PM
yeah, let's do it again! And again!

17-04-14, 02:48 PM

17-04-14, 02:52 PM
Glad to see this one back.

17-04-14, 02:56 PM
:lol: The focus will be on the story a lot more this time which will hopefully make things a lot more interesting.

17-04-14, 03:37 PM
I'm in, bring on the sheep, err the Vipers.

17-04-14, 03:47 PM
Let's go Vipers, let's do it!

17-04-14, 04:05 PM

18-04-14, 12:16 AM
Nice intro :)

18-04-14, 01:15 AM

18-04-14, 07:22 AM
Here again!!!!

18-04-14, 11:01 AM
time for a change :D

18-04-14, 06:17 PM
Time to reforge myself as a legend!

20-04-14, 09:41 PM
This time, i'll use all the tools in my utility belt to help the Vipers become the legendary team it should be!

28-04-14, 11:56 AM

It's amazing how our lives can turn around in just a flash. The Gaffer and I spent the remainder of the night (once I'd popped down to the shop for some alcohol, of course!) discussing our plans for the future.

Our plans were simple. The Gaffer was going to organise trials to which I would then invite all of the current VIP members of champman0102.co.uk to attend. We both knew that it wasn't a case of seeing who was good and who was bad and then signing those who impressed. We knew we were going to be signing up everybody who turned up as we were going to need as many bodies as we could get to build a squad capable of just holding our own in the league.

There would be just one difference this time around though. In the past, we've had players coming along that claimed they could play all across the pitch. Nobody is capable of playing as a left back, a right winger, a centre midfielder an a striker! The Gaffer had a clear idea of what he wants in the squad and that was to have each player in a specialist role. The idea was to recruit the VIP members and mould them into one particular position. If it didn't work out, that's fine, the player can always start to train in a different position but for each season, they'd have to play in a particular position that is designed for them.

With that discussed and agreed between The Gaffer and I, I set off firing a message to all VIP members. There were officially 78 VIP members at this particular time and we were hopeful of at least attracting 33 of them into the squad which is the Gaffer's preferred number of players with 3 in a particular position to play in the league.

Talking of the league, we had a long road ahead of us in getting back into the Football League. In the past, the Football League board had granted us special dispensation to enter their pyramid at the Conference level and after doing so a series of times but seeing us ultimately fold, it wasn't going to be easy to persuade them to let us back in once again.

That's where I came into play. We were fortunate to have a member on the Football League board who had been a regular at www.champman0102.co.uk in the past before disappearing offline. That member was SthlmDevil, the man behind the creation of the CM 01/02 Update Team all those years ago at The Dugout. SthlmDevil carried heavy influence on the board and I was fortunate enough to get hold of him the following morning after I had typed up an email to him the night before:

Dear Mark,

Great to hear from you. The family and I are very well, thank you for asking and I hope all is well with you too.

I have to admit that it was a surprise to be contacted by you yesterday. I am all for giving you another a chance in the Conference but there will be others who will not agree. I will do the best that I can though and you may just get lucky as Hyde FC have been unable to keep up with their tax payments and have been liquidated, leaving a spot in the Conference free.

It'll be a challenge because there are other teams in the leagues below who have a claim to that spot but I will do the best I can at a meeting with the board this afternoon. I'll keep you posted.


So Hyde have folded and we may be able to get that spot in the Conference which was very encouraging indeed! All that remained was to organise somewhere to play our fixtures should we get in and of course, a place for our players to train. We needed something sorted fairly soon given that trials had to take place immediately.

The Gaffer: Don't worry about that, Mark. Leave it to me...

With that, the Gaffer went off to leave me wondering what he had in mind!

29-04-14, 11:14 AM
The following morning, I woke up to the sound of urgent knocking at the door. Expecting to see The Gaffer, I was greeted by a rather rough looking fellow standing at the door.

"Hello? How did you get past the buzzer?"

"I have my ways and means, Mark."

"You know who I am?"

"Of course, I do. I got your message."

"What message?"

"About trials, of course!"

"Oh, from the website! Jesus, I didn't give my address out though. Did I?!"

"I'm not Jesus and no, you didn't. But like I said, I have my ways and means!"

"Right... That's not creepy at all... So, who are you?"

"My name is Goofy."

"Goofy! Well, why didn't you say so?! Don't just stand there, come on in!"

I beckoned the man in and noticed he had a pair of goalkeeper gloves sticking out of his bag.

"Trying out as a goalkeeper then, Goof?"

"I hope so. But that's not why I'm here."

This man really wasn't getting to the point, was he?

"Why? I thought you said you were here about the trials?"

"I am. But that's not why I'm here."

What sort of response is that?!

"So... Tell me...?"

"I've helped you out with a few logos in the past and I thought that the Vipers could do with one. So I went to the trouble of putting something together and came up with this..."


"I understand if you don't like it. I can always come up with something else if not."

"Don't like it? I LOVE IT! Goofy, that's fantastic! Great work mate, thank you very much!"

Suddenly, my iPhone vibrated. An email had come through. I quickly read it before turning to Goofy.

"We're in! That was SthlmDevil, he's managed to get us into the Conference! The Football League voted 5-3 in our favour with Brian Lee (the Conference chairman) apparently giving us the deciding vote instead of forcing a tie!"

Things were looking good. We were in the Conference, we had a logo and even had a goalkeeper which was a rare feat!

The phone vibrated again. Another email had come through. This time, it was from The Gaffer himself.

"Oh, my God!"


29-04-14, 11:18 AM
Brilliant stuff :D.

29-04-14, 12:45 PM
Love it!

29-04-14, 06:36 PM
The number 10 shirt is mine!

Until we get to squad number stages then i'll switch to 18! :lol:

29-04-14, 07:59 PM
very nice logo and kits :D

29-04-14, 08:25 PM
That away kit.. bleurgh.

30-04-14, 09:18 AM
It's actually a throw back to our old kit - A tribute to our former club :D

30-04-14, 11:19 AM
"Looks cool", said Goofy.

"Yeah, I like it. The kit looks a lot more yellow than blue compared to your logo though. But I like it, they match each other pretty well..."

"I know. The Gaffer told me to use a light blue and a bit of a dark yellow or amber colour for the logo."

"Wait, The Gaffer told you to put the logo together?"

"Oh, didn't I tell you? Yeah. Then he told me to come and see you about it."

"So, that's how you know my address. So much for being mysterious!"

"Haha! So what about the away kit. I'm not too sure about it?"

"It looks great to me! I think I know exactly why The Gaffer picked those colours. They used to be the home kit for CM Forums City so I think it's a nice tribute to them. We managed to get into the Third Division back then, we even played Chelsea in the FA Cup and took them to a replay. Good times!"

"Let's hope we get that sort of luck this time then!"

Nodding in agreement, I looked back at the email that I'd received from The Gaffer and noticed that he'd added some text to the email as well.

Pretty cool, huh?

That's not all either. I told you that I'd get everything sorted and I have. Get your stuff together and come and meet me at this address tomorrow morning: EN5 2DN.

Oh, and bring Goofy with you. I assume he has turned up at your place by now. Meet our new goalkeeper!

It's all coming together, Mark!

See you in the morning.


"Well, looks like you'll be needing those gloves after all..."


30-04-14, 11:31 AM

We have the best GK of them all and he is THE ONE :D.

30-04-14, 11:44 AM
Goofy makes Mertesacker look agile :lol:

30-04-14, 12:02 PM
Good stuff.

I reckon the away strip shorts need to be reversed though :).

30-04-14, 12:05 PM
I thought that about the home strip and now you've said it, the away shorts do as well.

I think it's too late now though, The Gaffer has already put the squad kits in production while also ordering 100 for the supporters!

30-04-14, 12:05 PM
I reckon the away strip shorts need to be reversed though :).

Draw string at the back? You'd need a hand tying them then. That's a bit gay Oz . . .

30-04-14, 11:37 PM
Defenders best not be expecting Goof to come out and collect the ball with that acceleration! Get it away lads!!

01-05-14, 01:56 PM
After a restless night's sleep (with Goofy sleeping on the sofa), we were up at the crack of dawn to embark on our journey to EN5 2DN as requested by The Gaffer.

As we stepped outside of my flat, there were five lads lurking on the car park but knocking a football around. I shouted over to them:

"Oi, you lot! Clear off, this is a private car park for these flats!"

One of them piped up, "Sorry, Mark! But we're here waiting for you!"


"Yeah" said another lad. "The Gaffer gave us a ring and told us that we're supposed to be meeting you!".

"But we're on our way to meet The Gaffer now. Who are you lot, anyway?"

The lad responded "gazzas1uk! Just call me gazza! I'm a defensive midfielder!"


The lad who had spoken first said "Jesus! I'm the promised one... In centre midfield, that is!"


"pyromyst! Just call me pyro because I'm like an explosion in attacking midfield!"


"trunky! I'm a left back! And I'll keep the girls guessing over my name haha!"


"I'm wato20! I thought I was Welsh but I'm actually English... Oh, and I actually play on the left wing!"


"Jesus! No, not you! I just mean like 'Oh, my God!". Well, looks like we have half a team already for the Vipers! Well, I suppose you had better follow us down to see The Gaffer then!"

With that, the five men piled into a raggedy old looking Honda Civic. As for me and Goofy... I've no idea how he travelled to my flat because he was being "mysterious" again but it looked like I'll be driving my newly purchase Fiat Punto to EN5 2DN which I punched into my sat nav.

The route took us on to the M6 and then the M1 and it was apparent that we were driving towards London. Almost three hours and several pit stops later (Goofy couldn't stop requesting a wee break, probably due to the fact he was drinking several cans of Tennent's lager!), we found ourselves driving through St. Alban's and Linfield and the destination was getting closer and closer. Eventually, we and the Civic behind us pulled up on a car park and through the turnstiles emerged The Gaffer:



01-05-14, 02:29 PM
:rofl: those stats are killing me xD.

Defensive midfielder who can't tackle... Central midfielder who can't pass... Dear God save us :D.

Are we in Polish league? xD

01-05-14, 02:33 PM
fingers crossed for nr9!

01-05-14, 02:38 PM
Jesus "White Mo Farah" Helliwell

01-05-14, 03:49 PM
Hung like an elephant.

02-05-14, 12:11 AM
Love the Village Shop next to the ground :)

02-05-14, 11:21 AM
Info0, have you signed up????

If not, why not?????

02-05-14, 11:26 AM
Check the OP brutha :D.

02-05-14, 11:27 AM
No, I'm lazy, and drunk.

02-05-14, 11:29 AM
I think you mean check the trials thread, not the OP :D

02-05-14, 12:00 PM
Argh wrong thread, but yeah same disease as oz xD.

02-05-14, 12:26 PM
"Underhill? This is where we're playing now? Are you serious?!"

"Sounds like a hobbit hole" sniggered Goofy.

I think I must have come across a bit ungrateful when responding to The Gaffer but it wasn't intended to be. I was more in shock than anything.

"Well, yeah. What's the problem?!"

"No problem at all. This is great news that we have actually have a pitch to play on! Isn't Underhill used by Barnet though?"

"No, didn't you know? They stopped using it last year. They play over at 'The Hive' now. It's been used by a rugby team since then and the lease hold wasn't renewed by them so it's not being used now."

"Wow. That's great news. What's the pitch like?"

"Come on through and take a look for yourself..."

As we all walked through the turnstiles, I feared that the state of the pitch would be incredibly cut up if it has been used by a rugby team in the past year but I couldn't have been more wrong:


"Wow, that's immaculate!" said Jesus.

"I can't wait to start playing on that!" said pyromyst.

"It's certainly is impressive! How did you manage to swing this for us, Gaff?" exclaimed gazzas1uk.

"Oh, it was a breeze. I called in a few favours and thanks to a chap called Tapani, he agreed to lease us this place for the next 10 years! Obviously there was nobody using it as the rugby team have moved elsewhere and I wanted us to play in the capital of England so it seemed like a no brainer to me..."

"Hang on, Gaff. Who are those lads over there?" pointed trunky. We all turned our heads at the other end of the stadium and there were four players who at a first glance appeared to be having a warm up but one guy was in fact sitting down on his arse, another was propped up against a lamp post, one was practicing a goal celebration in front of an empty stand and a fourth bloke was wearing his entire kit backwards.

"Ah, that'll be the Australian chaps. They flew in just this morning! I think they may have a bit of jet lag..." said The Gaffer.

"... Come on, let's go and meet them." waved The Gaffer.

As we approached the quartet, they turned around.

"Boys, I want you to meet..."

"Bevchenko... He'll be playing in attacking midfield!". At that, pyromyst clearly looked downbeat.


"bhnow... He's a defensive midfielder!". This time, it was gazzas1uk who looked upset.


"Fodster... Our new number 9!".


"... and ozRooster! Our first centre-back!"


02-05-14, 12:31 PM
OMFG. Those stats on oZ. :rofl:At least he can mark... I sniffed, but can't tackle for shit! xD.

02-05-14, 12:44 PM
Cracking write up - Aussies have arrived then - off to walkabout for a few beers tonight then after getting through the snags on the Barbie......

02-05-14, 01:23 PM
Fodster is a better centre back than Oz :lol:

02-05-14, 08:26 PM
Almost three hours and several pit stops later (Goofy couldn't stop requesting a wee break, probably due to the fact he was drinking several cans of Tennent's lager!)


Fodster is a better centre back than Oz :lol:

Bears well for the season :lol:

02-05-14, 09:29 PM
Don't think there is a worse player in CM than Oz...

Until Batman's stats are up!

02-05-14, 10:32 PM
Question is, which dingbat had his kit on backwards?

03-05-14, 11:28 PM
That would be me :).

And don't worry about my tackle, its fine.....

06-05-14, 02:16 PM
It was the day after the arrival of the Australian quartet and I was watching on from the directors box at Underhill as The Gaffer put the 10 men through a series of drills. They could only manage half an hour before a trio of players collapsed on the ground and complained that they couldn't do any more.

It wasn't particularly good viewing and when The Gaffer made his way up to the box for a pre-arranged meeting with me, it was one of two items on the agenda.

"Let's cut to the chase, Gaff. This lot ain't impressive. I couldn't make out who those players were but quitting training after just half an hour is ridiculous. They need to be put on a proper fitness programme."

"Couldn't agree more. In fact, I'm on my way to devise a schedule for each player after this meeting so you don't need to worry about that."

"That's good. We are still missing a few players though. 10 players is fine if you want to organise a mini tournament but we need a minimum of 16 players in a squad for the Conference, you know."

"Oh, I know. There's a few lads on their way over from Europe though."

"There is?"

"Oh yeah. Seven of them! Sorry, I didn't realise that I hadn't told you but they were making their own way from wherever they're from."

"Who are they? Where do they play?"

"Well, there's Patinoz. He's a right-back so it's good that we've got someone there at last! I think he's driving over here because he's afraid of flying."


"Looks great. That makes it three defenders then, if I count correctly!"

"Yep, that's right. We also have a striker to rival Fodster up top as well, ajvonkrondor is on his way over from Holland!"


"Good stuff, great to see competition for places then. Anyone else?"

"Of course. There's two players flying from Norway, both of them are midfielders. Janis89 is a centre-midfielder and batman is a left winger."



"Wow, that's quite a few midfielders that we have now then?"

"Definitely. But I need the cover as well as I like five players in there. That's not it though, we've two lads coming from Poland and another from Slovenia. info0 and Kaneman are both right wingers and Nikolayov is another striker on the books."




"Crikey! So that's 17 players altogether in the squad and 10 of them are midfielders?!"

"Looks like it! How are you getting on in getting more players to sign up for us? I thought there were a few more interested?"

"There were. I'll find out what's happening and let you know. Anyway... On to the next thing that I wanted to talk to you about."


"Underhill... The name of this place. I don't think it suits us at all and people will think of Barnet when they see the name. There's no resemblance to us at all."

"I agree. That's why I spoke to Tapani and he gave us permission to rebrand it if we want to."

"Really? You've thought of everything then!"

"That's right. It's going to be called the www.champman0102.co.uk Stadium!"

"That sounds great and more advertising for the website. Great thinking, Gaff. I'm impressed!"


06-05-14, 02:23 PM
Ha ha ha :D.

What's with defenders not able to tackle? :lol: Hope that Patz Acceleration improves as RB :P.

Blimey, I am chuffed with my stats, but can't cross even if my life depended on it :D.

06-05-14, 03:26 PM
So the Europeans have arrived in the UK . . . . no change there then :)

Squad building up nicely!

06-05-14, 07:05 PM
Ha ha ha :D.

What's with defenders not able to tackle? :lol: Hope that Patz Acceleration improves as RB :P.

Blimey, I am chuffed with my stats, but can't cross even if my life depended on it :D.

We have strikers who can't finish either. Going to be having to pull the strings myself in midfield at this rate :D

06-05-14, 10:11 PM
I know a defender who's available boss, don't forget me! :(

07-05-14, 01:32 AM
Im on my way from wales... These sheep aint very fast though, so may arrive sometime next week or so :lol:

07-05-14, 02:55 AM
Heard we're loaning you out to Llanelli

07-05-14, 11:13 AM
Had to take the coach from Dover.

Some fuckheads were driving on the wrong side of the road and crashed into my car.

07-05-14, 11:25 AM
I cycled in. Was unamused at seeing my breakfast boiled for an hour first. Can't find the coffeeshop and people look sour here.

well, at least the beer and company are good. Now, where's that pie guy?

07-05-14, 11:30 AM
Did you bring some tulips for the gaffer?

07-05-14, 11:32 AM
I got tulips, dropjes, chocolate, pot, pindakaas and oh, more pot. What did you bring, Pat? I hope you brought Bratwurst!

07-05-14, 11:36 AM
:lol: Great banter, chaps :ok:

07-05-14, 11:39 AM
I got tulips, dropjes, chocolate, pot, pindakaas and oh, more pot. What did you bring, Pat? I hope you brought Bratwurst!

Bratwürste, a year's supply of Sauerkraut and a Lederhose for everybody

07-05-14, 11:48 AM

Now, that's what I call a party!

07-05-14, 01:13 PM
I'll bring the beer and whisky :ok:

07-05-14, 01:47 PM
Did someone say small get together?

Sorry about the delay in meeting up with the squad, got a puncture and had to throw some leprechauns out of the lorry

http://i898.photobucket.com/albums/ac186/Lowskys/imagejpg1_zps572f3cc6.jpg (http://s898.photobucket.com/user/Lowskys/media/imagejpg1_zps572f3cc6.jpg.html)

07-05-14, 01:51 PM


Bringing in some goods from Poland :).

And some best regional beer...


Now can someone order some food and let the warming party begin! :P

07-05-14, 01:56 PM
The Vipers were really starting to take shape.

We had a goalkeeper in Goofy but I must admit that I was worried about the lack of cover if he were to get injured or suspended.

The defence was looking a bit light as well with only Patinoz, ozRooster and trunky involved. We'd need at least another three to make sure we had plenty of options in there for The Gaffer.

Midfield was definitely not a problem though. By my count there was Bevchenko, Janis89, Jesus, Kaneman, batman, bhnow, gazzas1uk, info0, pyromyst and wato20 making up 10 midfielders for The Gaffer to choose from. He even had two options per position for his favoured five spots in midfield!

There was also enough competition up front as well with Fodster being joined by Nikolayov and ajvonkrondor recently to fight it out for the lone striker role.

That makes it 17 players altogether so the good news was that there were enough players in there to make up a matchday squad. But we definitely need cover for Goofy and some new faces in defence.

With that in mind, I sat myself down at my desk at the recently rebranded www.champman0102.co.uk stadium where I was sharing an office with The Gaffer for the time being, who was out on the training pitch again with the players.

I fired up the laptop and loaded up www.champman0102.co.uk. Straight away, I had a look at the VIP list of members and spotted a few names. Muttering to myself and making notes, I got to work.

Three hours later, The Gaffer walked into the office looking rather pleased with himself (again!).

"What have you been doing, you dirty buggar?" I said.

"Haha, very funny. Nah, just finished the training session with the boys. They're coming on now and looking a lot fitter. Some have even figured out how to kick the ball in a straight line!".

"Seriously?! I didn't realise they were that bad..!"

"Oh, you'd better believe it. Good job I know what I'm doing though! Anyway, after sending them all off for a break, I thought I'd get on the blower."

"Oh, right. What for?"

"Well, we need games, don't we? So I got in touch with some old buddies of mine from when I was doing my coaching badges. Neil Aspin, Martin Gray, Dennis Greene and Rob Smith..."

"Who the hell are they? What course were you studying, the badge of no hopers?!"

"Bit harsh! They're the managers of Halifax, Darlington, Boston United and Hednesford! They've all got back to me and said they're more than happy to give us a game!"

"Ah, right! Nice one! Where do they play?"

"Well... They're in the non-league but that's not the reason why I gave them a call. They're all teams who've had experience in the Conference so I thought it'd be a good measure of what our boys can do."

"Great! Good idea! So are they all coming here?"

"Nah, I'm mixing it up a bit. We're going to play Halifax first here, then go to Darlington before playing Boston United here and heading out again to play Hednesford. I thought it's best to play games home and away so the lads can get a feel of what both games are like, especially with travelling and play on a different pitch and that sort of thing. I've lined up each friendly within a week of each other as there's exactly 28 days until we play Southport which is our first game of the season away!"

"Great stuff. So when do we play against Halifax then?"

"Well... Tomorrow!"

"TOMORROW?! That's a bit short notice! Are you sure the players are up to that?!"

"Only one way to find out, isn't there? It's a shame we haven't managed to get any other lads in though so we might have to some rotating..."

"Don't you worry about that, Gaff. There are some things that I am handy for. I've found you some new players."

"You have? A new goalkeeper and some defenders?"

"Erm... Not exactly... No goalkeeper but four new defenders and three more midfielders!"

"Well, that's better than nothing. Nice one!"

"Here, these are the new players..."

"Dermotron, he's a centre half."


"EL-TOPPO, he's a right back."


"ebfatz, he's an attacking midfielder."


"Baz, he's a left back."


"Liam, he's a centre midfielder."


"Redknapp69, he's a left winger."


"BobMem, he's another centre half."


"Great! Will they manage to get here by tomorrow?"

"Oh yeah, they're all on the way here right now."

"Excellent! Well then, bring on Halifax...!"

07-05-14, 02:27 PM

Bringing in some goods from Poland :).

Thanks but we don't need mouthwash

07-05-14, 02:27 PM
By the way lads - Make sure you reply to the latest updates from this point onwards to be considered for selection by The Gaffer.

It works in the same way as it used to when I'd create a matchday thread and you all respond to 'turn up' for training and be put into the squad.

Except this time, I'll be keeping everything to this thread so just make sure you post after each game to then be put into contention for the next match.

Hope that makes sense!

07-05-14, 02:30 PM
Ha ha :D.

Mouthwash? Please... :D

Nice. Midfield is bit congested though :P.

07-05-14, 02:32 PM
German punctuality.

Ready gaffer!

http://s14.directupload.net/images/140507/7mo7uku9.jpg (http://www.directupload.net)

07-05-14, 03:00 PM
Just trying to hail a taxi from the train station. Should be there in time for the match. Do they have taxis in Barnet or do I have to knock that lass over there off her bike and ride that*?

*and the bike...

07-05-14, 03:23 PM
Yeah, bike's stolen so I ran all the way to the training ground. Pat said he'd bring more wurst.

so, I am here. Now what?

07-05-14, 03:25 PM
WAR Vipers!!!!!

07-05-14, 03:25 PM
Unlike Toppo my sheep are turbo charged so should make it on time.

07-05-14, 06:08 PM
Didn't the Gaffer say he'd found some more footballers? I've just had a look at those attributes........ not a footballer among them :whistle:

- - - Updated - - -

One good thing, i'm liable to get plenty of action between the sticks :D

07-05-14, 09:05 PM
Reporting for duty!

07-05-14, 09:19 PM

im here guys :D

07-05-14, 10:44 PM
I got tulips, dropjes, chocolate, pot, pindakaas and oh, more pot. What did you bring, Pat? I hope you brought Bratwurst!

How did you manage to get that pot over the border? Maybe I don't want to know the answer to this..


But most importantly I am here.

08-05-14, 12:25 AM
Baz has arrived... No one told him that we have a dress code?


Info0 was caught on camera trying out Baz's ride.. Rumour has it Baz now needs a new ride home!


And the aussies have decided to dress up their kiwi friends sheep to try distract us welshmen from taking the starting spots..


08-05-14, 02:05 AM
Nice last picture Toppo . . . . But not sure why you were searching the 'coquette' site :lol:

08-05-14, 02:45 AM

08-05-14, 01:17 PM
I borrowed that sheep off Toppo so it's all good.

08-05-14, 01:21 PM
Unsure if here!

08-05-14, 02:03 PM
Here :wave:

08-05-14, 02:24 PM
"Hey, Mark!"

At the sound of someone shouting my name, I turned around and saw that it was The Gaffer coming into the ground followed by the squad. Well, I say the squad but there were only 13 players following him into the changing rooms.

"Gaff, a word?"

After telling the players to go and get kitted up, The Gaffer and I walked a little further on down the corridor.

"What's up?"

"13 players? Where the hell are the rest of the lads? Looks like you haven't even got an attacking midfielder to choose from! This isn't a good sign for our first game!"

"I know. I'm as disappointed as you are!"

"What about ZanSnake and Erkifino? We managed to get the paperwork filed off in time for them to join us, why aren't they here?!"

"I'm sure I saw Erkifino earlier..."


"But I've not seen ZanSnake since last night..."


"This is ridiculous! So after getting 26 players signed up, only half of them turn up for our first game?!"

"It looks that way! Don't worry about it, I'll give the 13 lads a run out today and hopefully we'll get the rest turning up once they understand how all this works."

"OK, fine... So what are you going to do without an attacking midfielder to play?"

"I'll switch to two central midfielders so we've got an extra body in the middle. We'll give it a try and see how it goes."

With that, I let The Gaffer go off to the dressing room to start preparing the players for the game. After half an hour, we had the team sheet ready to go with EL-TOPPO and Fodster named on the bench:


As I took my seat in the directors box, I wasn't quite sure what to expect from the game. It was definitely going to be a learning curve and I think The Gaffer made the right decision in organising four friendlies against teams who used to be regular participants in the Conference. The lack of substitutes did worry me though. Whether The Gaffer intends to use them or not, we needed more than two options from the bench as far as I was concerned. I was also interested in The Gaff's choice to name Jesus with Janis89 as the alternative instead of playing an attacking midfielder as there was no option to do so.

I was still debating all this in my head when Chris Foy blew the whistle as the game in front of 1,578 supporters got underway.

I was surprised but delighted to see that we started well, full of intent and saw Janis89 play in Patinoz for an early shot at goal which was turned over by Phil Senior. Unfortunately, the goalkeeper then rose highest to collect the corner that was delivered by Jesus.

In fact, the action was end to end in the opening stages. Halifax's first attack saw Sean Williams attempt a volley that went over the bar before ajvonkrondor headed down a Baz cross for Janis89 to fire at goal where Senior again turned it wide for a corner.

The next attack yielded a goal as Halifax counter attacked the corner that was won with Dale Johnson running at BobMem and finding a way past before firing past Goofy and into the net.

A rather unfortunate goal to concede but the Vipers, despite their inexperience, hit back immediately with Redknapp69 dribbling his way into the Halifax box only for Ryan Toulson to take away his legs. Amazingly though, Foy waved away the penalty appeal!

That was the last moment of the first half as the players headed into the tunnel in an understandably furious mood with Foy. This may be a friendly but the players still wanted to make an instant impression in front of the supporters to try and nail down a first team spot for next season.

The players came back out for the second half without any changes made by The Gaffer. I had the feeling that he was going to be giving the first eleven the full game today and look to give everyone else a fair crack of the whip in the other friendlies so the lack of substitutions didn't surprise me.

It was a different story for Halifax though who had made two changes in the first half (the second one was the replacement of the first substitute!). Neil Aspin made more changes in the 53rd minute with three players coming on.

It wasn't a surprising move either for Halifax had only attempted a shot on goal once since the restart to which Goofy comfortably saved. The game was actually being dominated by CM Vipers now who were fired up.

Halifax were proving tough to beat though and were being quite physical on the pitch. Lois Meynard upended ajvonkrondor and Jesus played the first kick short to info0 who was left in a heap by a 'fair' tackle from Williams. The ball did bounce for Jesus though who had a shot at goal but hit it directly at Senior.

Redknapp69 then got into the game with a series of runs down the left flank. gazzas1uk fed him in for a cross into the box where ajvonkrondor was tripped by Nick Wood inside the area. But Foy again waved away the penalty appeals as the supporters looked on his amazement at his decision making.

Halifax were being firmly pegged back and this time, it was ajvonkrondor playing the ball left for Redknapp69 to cut inside and attempting a long range effort but it didn't quite pay off as the ball was blazed over the bar.

ajvonkrondor and Redknapp69 looked as though they were building up a nice partnership as Redknapp69 again played the ball into the box and once more, it looked like he had been tripped by Wood. Surely a penalty this time? But for a third time, Chris Foy said no!

There were just minutes left on the clock now and after Baz played the ball down the left to Jesus, he knocked it on to ajvonkrondor who passed immediately to his left. Turning on the ball, Redknapp69 fired in a low drive at goal but saw it hit the upright and bounce away!

The clearance from Wood was poor and fell to Patinoz who immediately played it on to info0. Sensing the opportunity, the right winger fired the ball at goal but saw Senior save and deflect the ball clear all the way up the pitch to Goofy.

And that was the last moment of the game!

Chris Foy... You absolute ******!


08-05-14, 02:37 PM
Proud proud captain! Wasn't a bad effort lads, ref's a tosser, now let's have a pint!

08-05-14, 02:52 PM
good deff stats from me :D

08-05-14, 02:56 PM
Here :wave:

Sorry Niko but your post came too late for me to add you to the squad. Get in there quicker next time :D

To everyone: Remember to keep posting after each game now to be put in the squad for the next game. It's as simple as that :ok:

08-05-14, 03:00 PM
Was that today????

Yeah, a heap of us got on the piss, it happens.....

08-05-14, 03:04 PM
Wow. Out of 21 passes only 11 completed. Just shows how shit my passing is :lol:.

Roll on next game!

08-05-14, 03:18 PM
I think my distribution of the ball could be improved :lol:

08-05-14, 03:20 PM
Pleased with a 7, and stats look good despite being named and shamed for the goal!

Ready to jump back into action again Gaffer :)

08-05-14, 03:23 PM
Ratings are rigged. By all accounts on the SB, I had a decent game. A good AMR would certainly help my case though as well.

Gaffer, any chance Redders can swap to AMR?

08-05-14, 03:42 PM
Hope there's 10 pre-season games, not looking good to get a run the next day :lol:

08-05-14, 04:01 PM
Only signed my contract on my lunch break had to go back to... work... I'll be good to go next time! :ok:

08-05-14, 05:35 PM
Chin up lads, you can all chase some sheep if it helps.

08-05-14, 06:58 PM
I'm banned from Halifax unfortunately so couldn't make it.

Me, Oz and the boys had some fun on the beers in the meantime though!

08-05-14, 07:10 PM
A 5 rating from that german RB... Gaffer you made the wrong decision, Im doubling up on my training this week to show you ;)

08-05-14, 07:23 PM
Really happy with my debut, a solid 7, well involved in the game, 42/52 passes and I threw some tackles in. I like the new formation Gaffer :ok:

08-05-14, 07:31 PM
Yup, I want to try combining my powah with El-Toppazinger next ;).

08-05-14, 07:32 PM
I'd just like to announce that I may well have become the first Vipers player in (recent) history to make 2 key headers in a single match!

And no, that isn't a typo. Single match, not season!!

08-05-14, 07:50 PM
Ratings are rigged. By all accounts on the SB, I had a decent game. A good AMR would certainly help my case though as well.

Gaffer, any chance Redders can swap to AMR?


Supremely fucked off with a 5. Seemed like I was a man possessed in 2nd half and we should have had 3 penalties I was involved in (maybe AJ and I have a Suarez/Bale/Robben reputation!) and I hit the fecking post.

Anyhoo - ref bottled it! Was a close game and no way we deserved to lose it. Kudos to the "D" - didn't give 'em much of a sniff 2nd half

Onto the next - it's all about getting our fitness up in these games!

Available for the next one gaffer!

08-05-14, 10:25 PM
Sorry Gaffer...I was expecting a thread of it's own not something just tacked onto here :sorry:

I did tell you in the chat that I was about...

Oh well, it gave Baz a run out!

Available for the next game!

08-05-14, 11:20 PM
Did the subs get on?

*feels he needs to move on to develop his career

*dislikes bobmen/patinoz/aj/Jesus/Janis/info/redknapp

08-05-14, 11:34 PM
*Cannot wait to the join the lads in training
*Thinks he overspent and over-drank celebratingh# his recent arrival
*dislikes midgets

08-05-14, 11:44 PM
Sorry boys, got into a bit of a scuffle forgot Kelly Brook had a new bloke. Got her phone number though...


08-05-14, 11:55 PM
Thats what happens when your stalking from in bushes Bev ;)

09-05-14, 12:03 AM

09-05-14, 02:12 AM
There was a game on?

09-05-14, 09:48 AM
Did the subs get on?

*feels he needs to move on to develop his career

*dislikes bobmen/patinoz/aj/Jesus/Janis/info/redknapp

It's BobMem.

*dislikes Foster


09-05-14, 12:49 PM
*Dislikes Chris Foy


09-05-14, 01:21 PM
* Thinks BobMem is an essential squad member
* Happy to stay in club

I'm ready for next game Gaffer! :wave:

09-05-14, 02:07 PM
One week later, we all got on the team bus and made our way to Bishop Auckland where we'd be playing Darlington in the next friendly.

I sat in front of The Gaffer as we discussed the events of the past week. We were both rightly furious that only 13 players had turned up to play against Halifax and although we were delighted with the performance of those who were there, even those who were unfairly rated poorly, we were still not very impressed at those who had missed the game.

The Gaffer and I made it our business to find out where the players such as ozRooster, Bevchenko and ebfatz were. Naturally, the first port of call was:


As we walked into the pub, we were greeted by the sight of ozRooster ordering a round of jagerbombs with batman and pyromyst passed out on a table.

Demanding an explanation, it turned out that the players didn't even know that there was a game on. Of course, The Gaffer wiped the floor with them.

It resulted in extra training over the next six days as those who did play against Halifax were given two days off to recover from the game.

It definitely had the desired effect on the squad as no less than 20 players had boarded the team coach to play against Darlington with only Janis89 missing from those who'd played against Halifax.

That was fantastic news for The Gaffer as he was able to make mass changes to the starting eleven as well as change back to his favoured 4-5-1. BobMem kept his place in defence due to a lack of competition for the left side of defence while Jesus stayed in the heart of midfield with Janis89 (and Liam) missing. The third player to keep his place was Redknapp69 after no shows from wato20 and batman for the left wing.

As a result, there were first starts for Erkifino, trunky, ozRooster, EL-TOPPO, bhnow, ebfatz, ZanSnake and Fodster as The Gaffer continued his intention to give everybody a start during the friendlies. He also had the luxury of a full bench to choose from with Goofy, Dermotron, Patinoz, Baz, gazzas1uk, info0, Bevchenko, Nikolayov and ajvonkrondor all named on the bench although it is unlikely that they'll play with The Gaffer's intention to give the first XI a full game to show what they could do.


ajvonkrondor had led the team out in the previous game but this time around, the armband was given to Redknapp69.

Just as they had done at home to Halifax, the Vipers were the first to start brightly as they attempted two shots in the first 60 seconds of the game. Firstly, Jesus attempted a crack at goal which was blocked by Bruno Pilatos. The deflection fell for ebfatz whose first time shot rattled the woodwork before being cleared away by Jordan Robinson.

Darlington responded immediately as bhnow was forced to put a tackle in, seeing the ball bobble loose for a shot by Andy Johnson but his drive was turned behind by Erkifino.

The resulting corner saw Darlington play it around in the Vipers half and resulted in a block by Jesus that was cleared. The clearance fell to Fodster who managed to get free of his man to have a crack at goal but saw his shot go wide.

Fodster was quickly in action again with a move started by ZanSnake that involved the striker himself as well as trunky and Redknapp69 before Fodster's volley was turned behind by Craig Turns.

The corner from Jesus was knocked down by bhnow for ebfatz to latch onto and fire the ball at goal. Turns was helpless as it went into the net! The first goal for the Vipers is scored by ebfatz!

Darlington again hit back with a header put over by Danny Mellanby after good pressure from BobMem. Mellanby was at it again shortly afterwards as he manages to go 1v1 on Erkifino who pulled off a great save to smother the ball.

bhnow was beginning to impose himself on the game after Redknapp69 won a header that led to bhnow threading the ball through for Fodster to shoot but Turns managed to hold onto it.

A mistake from Gary Smith saw ZanSnake nip the ball from him and advance to the byline before squaring it back to ebfatz who brought the ball into the area but fired the shot over the bar.

After Darlington advance and lose the ball to a goal kick, it is delivered up the pitch by Erkifino and sees ZanSnake clean through behind the defence before again knocking the ball for ebfatz to shoot. This time, it's on target but Turns sends it wide for a corner. But this time, Jesus sends the ball straight to Robinson who clears it for a throw in.

Being chased by trunky, Pilatos manages to play the ball into the box where Aaron Brown gets free to shoot at goal but puts it wide.

After a loose pass, CM Vipers take possession with Redknapp69 trying his luck at goal. Turns saves it but cannot hold on to the ball and that allows Fodster to nip in and poke the ball into the net. The Vipers deservedly lead 2-0!

The last moment of the first half saw Paul Arnison ready to pull the trigger with a shot from outside the box but Redknapp69 gets in a sliding tackle to send the ball out of play as Ash Slew blows the whistle for half-time.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. This was the sort of performance that we'd only dreamed of and admittedly, it may be a lot tougher in the Conference. The second half got underway without any changes to the team as expected and I could only hope that these lads continued to impress to improve their chances of a start at Southport.

As the second half got underway with Mellanby having a shot at goal, a great block from EL-TOPPO was followed up by Johnson who saw his own shot blocked by Jesus.

Darlington were going for it now though as Gary Smith had a shot that was parried wide by Erkifino and allowed to run free by ozRooster before being cleared.

It was the last moment of the game for Andy Johnson and also David Dowson who were replaced by Marc Bridge-Wilkinson and Steve Thompson.

The former substitute was quickly in action and passed the ball by Aaron Brown. Getting the ball just inside the penalty area, he shot and Erkifino was unable to keep it out of the net. It was now 2-1.

It really was all Darlington now and after Smith put another shot wide, Graeme Lee came on to replace Jordan Robinson in Martin Gray's third change of the game.

Erkifino was called into action again with Bridge-Wilkinson a constant menace, shooting at goal but being saved by Erkifino. He threw the ball out and after almost 20 minutes, the Vipers were finally on their first attack of the second half but after Redknapp69 played the ball to Fodster, possession was surrendered.

There was a 4th and 5th change for Darlington with Danny Mellanby and Danny Richardson were replaced by Shaun Reay and Kris Taylor.

The Vipers were clearly struggling with the pressure that Darlington were putting on and were indebted to bhnow scrambling the ball away from a dangerous Aaron Brown cross before Erkifino pulled off a great flying save to prevent Thompson from heading the ball into the net from another Brown cross.

A final change of the game for Gray saw him send on Alan White for Smith and there was time for one last shot at goal and it was the first one of the second half for the Vipers.

A lay off by bhnow was given to OzRooster who returned the ball to allow bhnow to aim a lob at ebfatz. Running on to the ball but running into walls, ebfatz played the ball to the right and ZanSnake unleashed an unstoppable effort into the net!

Not only had they managed to hold on to their lead in the second half, the Vipers had now won 3-1!


09-05-14, 02:14 PM
#Surelynumberonerightbacknow :D

Go vipers go!

09-05-14, 02:15 PM
Very good game, hope we'll play like that in league :D
Ready for next game Gaffer, really! :wave:

09-05-14, 02:23 PM


09-05-14, 02:28 PM
History books will likely use the 1st league game scorer as 1st scorer . . .

. . . which means we are all in the running :D

09-05-14, 02:29 PM
Great game fellas, Bnhow dont get too used to that starting position ;)

09-05-14, 02:31 PM
History books will likely use the 1st league game scorer as 1st scorer . . .

. . . which means we are all in the running :D

Well that's a rubbish history book!

09-05-14, 02:35 PM
Damn, will have to try harder on training!

Put me on intensive ON THE DOUBLE Gaffer! :P

09-05-14, 02:47 PM
Nice win lads! :ok:

09-05-14, 02:59 PM
Immensely proud to be captain for the day!

Even prouder of the spirit and desire of the team to record a superb result!

Happy with my own performance, a key tackle to stop them scoring and arguably an assist for Foody's goal. Please to see I won my share of headers as well!

Our first win under the belt lads - let's keep this form up into the next game!

I'm reporting for duty for the next one gaffer!

09-05-14, 03:14 PM
Didnt realise me old mucker Erk was a goalie......... just remember who's got the #1 squad number sunshine ;) Good result chaps, well done :ok:

09-05-14, 03:17 PM
History books will likely use the 1st league game scorer as 1st scorer . . .

. . . which means we are all in the running :D

I hope the Gaffer has me 'forward' for corners!

Great result lads, let's build some momentum!

09-05-14, 04:18 PM
First start and earns the MotM and scores :)

This ZanSnake guy looks awesome :P

*thinks The Gaffer is a master tactician
*thinks Info0 should be wary of his position

09-05-14, 04:48 PM
My stats are a complete contrast to the previous game. Only 19 passes all game although I am very happy to see I made TWELVE tackles!

I only won three of them but to throw my body at it is what I do best.

Great win anyway lads, onwards and upwards :)

09-05-14, 04:52 PM
Good win. Hoping to lineup again at the next game.

09-05-14, 05:02 PM
Didnt realise me old mucker Erk was a goalie......... just remember who's got the #1 squad number sunshine ;) Good result chaps, well done :ok:

I do like a challenge :D

Great result lads. zan bossing it!

09-05-14, 07:56 PM
Good result team :D

09-05-14, 08:16 PM
Thinking Jesus needs to be a goalie, because Slayer says that Jesus saves...

09-05-14, 10:37 PM
Excellent performance all round

09-05-14, 10:49 PM
Good game I guess

*dislikes bobmom

10-05-14, 10:51 AM
Toppo has promised some lamb shanks for lunch today, don't eat them if you want to be fit for the next match ;)

10-05-14, 11:33 AM
Thinking Jesus needs to be a goalie, because Slayer says that Jesus saves...
They were singing about this :D

10-05-14, 02:31 PM
I'd just like to announce that I may well have become the first Vipers player in (recent) history to make 2 key headers in a single match!

And no, that isn't a typo. Single match, not season!!

And that'd be 2 key headers for me in the 2nd match.

Play bob and I together Gaff, as they say 2 headers are better than 1.

11-05-14, 01:42 AM
Come on gaffer I only slept with Kelly Brook the one time!

*Feels victimised
*Upset at the current media attention surrounding his personal life
*Concerned there are no good pubs in Barnet

11-05-14, 10:38 AM
*Feels the team members of the squad distrupt club atmosphere with their depressive statuses :lol:
*Happy to be part of the team
*Enjoys playing for Gaffer

11-05-14, 01:34 PM
*My goal is to keep the goal keeping position

11-05-14, 02:09 PM
*Feels Bevchenko is a bad influence on the team

12-05-14, 07:45 AM
I'm now ready for the new season. I'll even bring my own ball, so we all can learn some new skills!

12-05-14, 09:28 AM
*Feels right at home at Vipers
*Ready to do battle both on and off the pitch
*Has some questions about Goofy's fitness...



12-05-14, 10:37 AM
I'll have you know i'm in excellent shape AJ........

"Round" is a shape :ok:

12-05-14, 11:45 AM
That ball reminds me of those cheap fly away balls you had when you were younger.... kick in one direction, goes elsewhere :lol:

12-05-14, 12:50 PM
Am I too late?

12-05-14, 12:53 PM
Nope, myself and yourself are the starting DC's Baz :ok:

12-05-14, 01:20 PM
Actually, Baz is LB and oz is CB :D

12-05-14, 01:49 PM
There was a knock on the door. I shouted for the visitor to come into my office as The Gaffer and I stopped our conversation. It was BobMem.

"Hello. You called for me?"

"Yes, indeed." I said.

"Sit down." said The Gaffer.

It was all rather serious and BobMem was understandably nervous.

"What's going on? If this is about that night in the Vipers arms, it wasn't my fault! ZanSnake made me drink some funky looking stuff in a bottle and I don't remember anything after that!!"

"Relax, BobMem. It's nothing to do with that, whatever that was!" said The Gaffer.

"We've called you in because we've had an offer for you already."

"Eh, what?! But I've not even played a game yet!"

"I know, I know. But you have put in a couple of good performances and clearly caught Mark Hughes' eye!"

"Hughes? Stoke want me? Premiership football?!"

"Yes. That is on the table for you. Now, obviously we want you to stay and would like to reject the offer but we'll give you the opportunity to go away and think about this." I said.

"That's right, BobMem. We don't want you to go but have to respect the career of a player. You won't be involved in the match today as we'll give you a chance to think it over and instead give ozRooster another match. But we want you back for the final friendly and hopefully you'll feel the same way."

With that, BobMem left the office, clearly stunned. Would our centre-back leave us after just a week at the club for the pull of Premiership football or will he stick with us for giving him a chance to play professional football?

Only time will tell but for now, we turned our attentions to the visit of Boston United, managed by Dennis Greene. After a great win at Darlington, The Gaffer felt that we can go one better against Boston as long as the players turn up with the right attitude.

Talking of turning up, The Gaffer once again had 20 players available to choose from for the third Vipers friendly and that excludes BobMem. In fact, it's easier to say who is missing from the squad instead of saying who is here and that was trunky, Kaneman, Liam, wato20 and pyromyst.

As promised, The Gaffer continued to rotate the squad and give starts to those yet to feature during pre-season which saw batman start on the left wing, Nikolayov as the lone striker and Bevchenko playing in midfield behind Nikolayov.

Goofy returned in between the sticks after a great performance from Erkifino at Darlington. He ushers a defence of Patinoz, Baz, Dermotron and ozRooster who are marshalled by gazzas1uk in defensive midfield.

Ahead of gazzas1uk is Janis89 who plays behind Bevchenko and flanked by batman and info0 as well as Nikolayov up front.

What we are looking at here is a team who are basically being given a chance to improve on their original performances to date in order to nail down a place in the starting eleven. With the next friendly against Hednesford being the fourth and final game of pre-season, that is a game that The Gaffer is looking to name his strongest side according to the performances of the players to date.


Leading the team out to a crowd of 1,526 is centre-back Dermotron who wins the coin toss against Boston United captain Inderjeet Aujla.

As the game gets underway, the Vipers are patiently passing the ball around the pitch without threatening the Boston defence. Boston themselves get nowhere near the ball for at least ten minutes.

It's such a quiet start that the first shot of the game doesn't register until the 21st minute. Picking up the ball on the halfway line, Bevchenko advanced on the Boston United defence and makes his way all the way into the area before attempting to chip Boston goalkeeper Ashley Timms. But unfortunately, the ball goes well over the bar.

Boston's first shot comes seven minutes later with Peter Bore clearing a header up field and Spencer Weir-Daley latches on to it before shooting low at goal. Goofy does well to save it and holds on to the ball.

Just after half an hour, the Vipers are patiently knocking the ball around again as Janis89 chips the ball to Baz who heads back to Dermotron. Looking up, Dermotron sees batman pointing forward on the flank and launches the ball ahead of him. The left winger then spots Bevchenko breaking free and immediately squares the ball to him. Taking a touch, Bevchenko then smashes the ball at goal and Timms cannot get to it as it goes into the net!

A well deserved start for the Vipers!

The pressure is all on Boston United now and Timms is being kept busy in the sticks, twice fisting the ball away from his goalline. The second time resulted in a corner and as it is swung in by info0, batman gets above his marker to head it down for Dermotron. The centre-back tried to get his foot on the ball but Timms manages to smother it.

Boston United are clearly struggling to get in the game and give away a free-kick with Ian Ross pushing Patinoz. The free kick is lined up by Bevchenko and he delivers it into the box where Janis89 beats Ben Milnes in the area to knock it down for Dermotron. This time, Dermotron gets to the ball and exchanges passes with info0 before his low shot smashes the post!

With the game approaching half-time, Bevchenko is involved again to feed Nikolayov for a first time shot which is pushed away by Timms. The danger is cleared by Netan Sansara as gazzas1uk narrowly misses the ball before Aujla plays the ball to Tom Sergeant. Sergeant then aims for Ben Fairclough in the penalty area but Goofy comes off his line to bravely collect the ball in the air before the referee blows the whistle for the interval.

As he had done in the first two friendlies, The Gaffer opts to avoid changes to the team as he aims to give everyone a full 90 minutes once again. The same cannot be said of Boston United though who makes a single change with Gary Mills on for Ben Milnes.

Although the commentator stated that Boston looked to be a bit more adventurous as the second half got underway, it was the Vipers who attacked first with Aujla failed to clear a ball properly and Janis89 picked it up before passing it into the area. Nikolayov was first to the ball, beating Walker to a header at goal which sailed past Timms and into the net! An instant impact!

All credit to Boston United though as they don't give up the ghost and instead embark on the Vipers box twice with Goofy once again collecting a cross from Peter Bore while also getting his body behind the ball to save a header from Fairclough.

A scrambled shot from Janis89 leads to an attack for Boston as Gary Mills runs up the byline to cross for Weir-Daley to shoot at goal. It is parried away for a corner from Goofy which comes to nothing.

Boston then starts to make a series of changes as Carl Piergianni replaces Kieran Walker, Bert Snaith comes on for Ian Ross and Mitch Eustance takes over from Spencer Weir-Daley.

CM Vipers advance on the Boston defence with Janis89 heading wide to Patinoz who picks up the ball and runs forward before unleashing a furious shot at goal. But as the shot is blocked by Mills, he plays the ball to Fairclough who takes the ball wide left before crossing into the box. Eustance manages to power a header towards goal but sees it go wide.

Piergianni makes an instant impact on the game, giving away a free-kick after being pushed by Bevchenko who'd just received the ball from Janis89. Bevchenko himself took the free-kick, firing it to the top right corner but it's well saved by Timms. As Timms delivers the ball upfield, Baz picks it up, playing it right to gazzas1uk who plays it on to Bevchenko. Unfortunately, the ball goes beyond Bevchenko but batman manages to get onto the end of it himself before firing it low and hard across the face of the goal. Arriving on time is Nikolayov who taps it into the net for his second goal of the game.

The celebrations are spoiled slightly by the sight of Janis89 on the ground complaining of a knee problem. He is forced to come off and Jesus comes on for the final 26 minutes while Boston make another two changes, taking off Tom Sergeant and Netan Sensara and sending on Andrew Shinn and Rene Steer.

Eustace, who missed a header earlier, is a livewire for Boston and is in action again as he picks up a ball from Shinn and loses his man before shooting at goal. But once again, he puts his effort wide.

The time is dwindling away now on the clock and there's time for one more attack from the Vipers with gazzas1uk chipping a ball on to Bevchenko who this time gets the ball before turning and playing it left ahead of batman. batman uses his feet well to beat his man and plays the ball into the box where Nikolayov picks it up and shoots the ball into the net! But the striker is denied his hat-trick by the sight of an offside flag after he had gone beyond the last defender before the cross from batman.

Nevertheless, a 3-0 win at home sets the Vipers up nicely for their final pre-season friendly!


12-05-14, 01:54 PM
Great result.

Here for the next game!

12-05-14, 01:56 PM
YEAH! 1st goal for Vipers, 2nd goal for Vipers, 1st MoM for Vipers! Thank you Gaffer for giving me a chance! :first:

12-05-14, 02:01 PM
Bev's clearly knackered so I'll come back in for the next one!

12-05-14, 02:04 PM
Actually, everyone will be 100% :) Each friendly is a week apart :ok:

12-05-14, 02:10 PM
What a solid game from the right back. Most key passes, all tackles won, all headers won, third-most total passes.

I am impressed

12-05-14, 02:15 PM
Boston captain, Internet Aula :frog:

Great win

12-05-14, 02:32 PM
Well done Vipers!!! :cheer:

12-05-14, 02:46 PM
Awesome game by rival Nikolayov. Well played son!

12-05-14, 03:26 PM
I've no interest in sitting in Stoke's development squad (copyright Mark Henderson) when I could be in the big league with Vipers!

*Happy to stay at the club
*Wants to stay at the club after his playing career is over
*Thinks the Gaffer is a tactical genius
*Dislikes Fodster :D

12-05-14, 03:33 PM

Great win for the team. Glad to see the training is paying off :D.

12-05-14, 03:53 PM
Actually, everyone will be 100% :) Each friendly is a week apart :ok:

Shhh! No they won't!

12-05-14, 03:59 PM
great win and a great performance :D

12-05-14, 04:01 PM
Well done boys.

*Happy to be part of a winning team

Hope my knee can be taped back on!

12-05-14, 04:05 PM
*pleased to keep a clean sheet*
*hopes Bobmem moves to Stoke*


12-05-14, 04:08 PM
*Happy to let Baz play in friendlies*
*Sorry to see Bobmem stay*

12-05-14, 04:21 PM
Actually, everyone will be 100% :) Each friendly is a week apart :ok:

100%?? rly? REALLY? Have you SEEN some of these obese ballkickers? They havent been 100% for bloody decades!

12-05-14, 04:48 PM
*Happy to let Baz play in friendlies*
*Sorry to see Bobmem stay*

Friendlies pah, you'll get your chance to show how good I am :lol:

12-05-14, 05:06 PM
Why don't you like BobMem? :lol:

12-05-14, 05:09 PM
Great effort lads!

I would actually be interested what would have happened to Bob if he did go to Stoke

But the Viper blood runs deep! Good on ya!

12-05-14, 06:06 PM
Why don't you like BobMem? :lol:

Just banter mate :ok:

12-05-14, 08:02 PM
Stunning performance scuffed by Janis' injury which meant I only got a 6 for the time I was on the pitch :lol:

Great work though lads, we can all say we've earned a pint now.

12-05-14, 09:16 PM
Well done goof with the clean sheet.... ya bollix :P

12-05-14, 10:49 PM
* Is honored to be at the same club as Nikolayov

12-05-14, 11:08 PM
*Thinks Fodster is a loony
*Thinks Nikolayov is a good player
*Dislikes Membob


12-05-14, 11:35 PM
Bev's clearly prolific so I'll happily watch from the bench for the next one!

Cheers mate.

12-05-14, 11:54 PM
Well done goof with the clean sheet.... ya bollix :P

Sook ma boz son :ok:

13-05-14, 12:08 AM
*Hoped he could had at least entertained some cheerleaders
*Is disappointed that Vipers don't have cheerleaders
*Pondering to bring some for the next game
*Is pleased with the club's recent form


13-05-14, 01:27 AM
*Thinks Fodster should play a more important role at the club

13-05-14, 01:32 AM
*Is Homesick
*Dislikes the cold English weather and warm beer
*Finding it hard to adjust to the lifestyle

13-05-14, 08:26 AM
*thinks Fods is a pussy and should buy a fridge
*believes BobMem is loyal to the club to the point of lunacy
*wants to become chairman when his career is over

13-05-14, 10:01 AM
*wants every one to stop wanting stuff

13-05-14, 11:00 AM
All of you get back to work, part timers :bowl:

13-05-14, 11:11 AM
*wants Erk to stop wanting everyone to stop wanting stuff*

13-05-14, 11:56 AM
*wants Goofy to go on wanting Erk to want everyone to stop wanting stuff
*thinks Baz is showing off his fulltime employment as a paid male companion for the elderly.

13-05-14, 12:27 PM
They pay good cash AJ, you should try it!

13-05-14, 12:59 PM
*wants Goofy to stop wanting him to stop wanting everyone to stop wanting stuff

13-05-14, 02:05 PM
*wants Erk to stop wanting Goofy to stop wanting him to stop wanting everyone to stop wanting stuff
*Is becoming slightly confused
* feels he looks silly in a dress like Baz's.

13-05-14, 02:11 PM
*wishes that everyone could get along
*wants a new bench as the old one gives splinters

13-05-14, 03:06 PM

*happy to see someone finally scoring from my crosses
*wants to be cheerleader when I retire

13-05-14, 03:09 PM
* Happy to stay at the club
* Dislikes asterisk's
* Unsure if asterix is also acceptable spelling

13-05-14, 03:12 PM
*Tells Dermo that Asterisk means "little star"*
*Thinks there is too much competition for little stars*
*blames his manager for nothing*

13-05-14, 04:03 PM
*thinks Trunky is too much into little stars
*feels uncomfortable being around people that are into little stars
*hopes his star is considered wide.

13-05-14, 04:57 PM
*goes off to watch Star Wars*

13-05-14, 05:42 PM
*Happy to stay at the club
*Thinks batman is an essential squad member
*Proud to be at CM Vipers
*Thinks that the club has a good dressing room atmosphere
*Dislikes Goofy :D

13-05-14, 05:48 PM
*?http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n541/CalandraJugdar/asterix.jpg (http://media.photobucket.com/user/CalandraJugdar/media/asterix.jpg.html)

14-05-14, 11:15 AM
# thinkstheclubshouldswitchtohastags
# dieastericksdie
# happytostayattheclub
# cantseethiscatchingon
* Thinks Asterix is an essential squad member

14-05-14, 11:35 AM
Whatever happened to good old bullet points?

Happy to stay at the club
Wants a new chef

14-05-14, 12:30 PM
"trunky, we've had a call from Fergie this morning." I said.


"No, not Alex Ferguson! Darren! Peterborough! They made an offer of £14K for you and we've said we'll speak to you first before rejecting it. Well, I say reject it but as we did with BobMem last week with his offer from Stoke, we will give you the option but would like to stress that we want you to stay at this football club", The Gaffer had said.

That conversation with trunky and The Gaffer had taken place a few days ago as we experienced a sense of deja vu following the exact same conversation with BobMem. Thankfully, BobMem had come back to us after missing that fantastic 3-0 over Boston United and said that he had no intention of leaving the Vipers. We were both delighted!

That sense of relief became more evident when we realised that his competition for a centre back spot, ozRooster, had failed to turn up for our fourth and final friendly of the season. 21 players had made themselves available for the game but ozRooster was missing along with Liam, Kaneman, wato20 and pyromyst.

Of those 21 playes though, one of them would have to miss out this game after twisting his knee against Boston United. Central midfielder Janis89 had gone straight to the local hospital in Barnet after he was taken off but scans revealed no ligament damage and the diagnosis was that he'd twisted his knee. That it wasn't a serious injury was fantastic news in itself but we were disappointed to lose our first player to an injury during pre-season. That also meant that The Gaffer was wary of further injuries in our last game which takes place in Cannock where we'd play Hednesford.

"What's your plan then, Gaff?" I asked, knowing that he'd spent the past week iffing and ahhing about playing his strongest side ahead of the Vipers first league game or giving one final chance to those who hadn't made the strongest impression on him yet. That's not to say that some players hadn't done well but there are those who have made a superb start and therefore had forced their way into contention for a starting spot against Southport.

"This whole Janis89 thing has worried me. The last thing I want is to name the team that looks to be my strongest today and risk potential injuries." he replied.

"Why don't you just give another chance to those who you're not too sure about today? That way, it's a final opportunity for them to break into your starting eleven? They can't have too many qualms about not being given an extra chance while at the same time, you're keeping those likely to play
fully fit for the Southport game?" I suggested.

"Yeah... That's not a bad idea actually. The lads have looked fit and done well to recover from each friendly either way but with our first game being a week away, I just don't want to take any chances."

"That's settled then. Good luck today then, Gaff. I'm off to sort a few things out before watching the game!" I shook his hands and headed out of the dressing room where The Gaffer started to write the team sheet on the tactics board.


The Gaffer had done as I had suggested, naming those who will need to put in a big performance today to try and snare one of the starting spots for our first competitive game. trunky had been included despite the interest from Peterborough while Dermotron and BobMem start as the only options at centre-back either way. That also applies to Jesus who is the only fit centre midfielder given Janis89's injury and the continued absence of Liam.

Looking at that line-up though, it still wasn't a bad side and showed that we actually have some strong options in the squad. Goofy, Patinoz and gazzas1uk had all put in superb performances against Boston United while ebfatz also has a goal and an assist to his name.

Having been the captain against Boston United, Dermotron kept the armband to lead the players out at Keys Park in Cannock. Lee Mason was the referee this time and our centre-back shook hands with Hednesford's captain Francino Francis before losing the coin toss.

The 11 Vipers players should have stepped out on to the pitch determined to do well in order to keep their spots in the side.

Unfortunately, that didn't look to be the case at first as a free-kick was given away and Goofy was forced to tip wide a half volley from Jamey Osborne. The corner from Alfie Carter was cleared safely by info0.

Hednesford were certainly the team dominating from the start and after just 15 minutes, Dermotron earned a yellow card after fouling Osborne. From that free-kick, the resulting shot from John Disney went wide.

The Vipers finally got going just before the half hour mark as a lay off from Redknapp69 was picked up by ajvonkrondor who spotted Jesus running ahead of him and chipped it towards the midfielder. Jesus directed the ball at goal with a header but his effort went way off target.

For those who hoped that would be the start of a wave of attacks from the Vipers, they were left disappointed. BobMem had done well to put in a superb sliding challenge on Robbie Thompson-Brown but the resulting loose ball fell for Stephen Jagielka who unleashed a fierce shot that flew past Goofy and into the net, leaving him with no chance of saving it.

Two minutes later, it got worse for the visitors as Jagielka was again involved to lob the ball to Charlie Anagho-Ntamark who immediately crossed the ball low into the area. Running late to the far post was Carter who hit the ball first time into the net to double Hednesford's lead.

Immediately, Hednesford manager Rob Smith had to take off Osborne due to injury and brought on Elliott Durrell. But for reasons unknown and with just a couple of minutes left until half-time, Smith made a double change and took off Durell after just four minutes, sending on Iain Screaton while also replacing Thompson-Brown with Wayne Riley.

It was then that the Vipers started to enjoy a brief spell before the half-time whistle as a corner was won from which Jesus crossed into the box for ajvonkrondor to flick on to info0. The right winger ran into the box but fed ebfatz for a shot that hit a defender and fell for Patinoz. Attempting to poke it at goal, Patinoz saw his shot parried by Stuart Brock for a corner that never came for Lee Mason blew the half-time whistle.

It had not been the best of performances in the first half and The Gaffer would have to have firm words with the side in the dressing room. If anything was to be gained from this game, the players needed to get an early goal to give them hope.

They got it.

ajvonkrondor worked a chance for himself straight after the kick off and after Brock had saved the striker's shot, the ball fell back to him and this time, he made no mistake. The Vipers had pulled one back after just two minutes!

They were definitely back in the game now and were playing that way. After trunky chipped the ball forward to Jesus, the midfielder played in ajvonkrondor for another shot but the thunderous shot flew over the bar.

Another change was on the agenda for Hednesford as Anagho-Ntamark was injured and had to be replaced by Ben Jevons.

That substitution did not change the rhythm of the game as a free-kick was won by ebfatz after he was barged in the back by Disney while trying to control a Jesus pass. Jesus fired in the free-kick himself but Brock let the ball run free for Jagielka to clear. Jesus did get a head on that clearance before crossing it back into the box where ajvonkrondor tried to find a way past Disney only for the defender to dispossess him. The ball fell for Jesus who hit it first time only to see the ball cannon back off the crossbar and away from danger by Jagielka! gazzas1uk this time picked up the clearance and after aiming for ajvonkrondor with a cross, the striker knocked it down to ebfatz who had to stretch to reach the ball before firing it at goal but sent it wide.

The Vipers were responding incredibly well and the pressure was all on Hednesford. It was typical then that they countered through Wayne Riley with a run into the Vipers half before knocking it wide to Carter. The cross from Carter was met by Michael Ricketts with a superb header into the goal, leaving Goofy stranded.

Despite coming on not long ago, Ben Jevons was replaced by Liam Blakeman while fellow sub Screaton was also replaced by Martin Ridley as Rob Smith's final changes in the game.

There wasn't a lot of time left in the game now but the Vipers were not giving up, despite being two goals down. ebfatz and ajvonkrondor linked up well before passing right for info0 and Patinoz to exchange passes. The latter fed the ball to the other side of the pitch to Redknapp69 who moved the ball on to his right foot before shooting into the net! But agonisingly, the referee blew for an offside call after the linesman judged that Redknapp69 had been a fraction offside following Patinoz's cross.

That wasn't the last of the action though as Patinoz was again involved with a run down the right that saw a cross towards ajvonkrondor headed at goal and tipped wide by Brock for a corner. Unfortunately, the set piece from Jesus was cleared as the final whistle was heard.

It may have been a disappointing 3-1 defeat but there can be no qualms about the side's attempts to fight their way back into the game. Statistically, they had played rather well. Hednesford were restricted to just one chance in that second half to leave them with four shots on target from five attempts. But the Vipers had actually managed six on target from twelve attempts! There was clearly plenty of spirit within the team and the question now on everybody's minds was this... Had they done enough to start against Southport?


14-05-14, 12:37 PM
Goofy was sleeping in goal! Or he just had too much beer recently and gained weight :P.

Boss, can I take a break for next game? I would rather train harder...

Congrats to AJ, Pat, Jesus for great game ;).

14-05-14, 12:37 PM
That proves it Trunky, i'm the better left back :lol:

14-05-14, 12:44 PM
Shame about the result as we were clearly the better side.

FS Redders, patience, you know I'll thread the ball through to you; stay onside :P

14-05-14, 12:45 PM
is glad to have a rest after raping Boston United.
is quite pleased he got Kelly Brook to accompany him to the game today.

14-05-14, 01:11 PM
Great defending......... you bunch of useless bastards :tsk: I get a 5 rating when i wasn't at fault for any of the goals........ useless shower of shite :frusty:

*thinks the Gaffer needs to invest in new defenders*

14-05-14, 01:32 PM
Don't worry Goof, I should be playing next time you play ;)

14-05-14, 02:02 PM
Awful result.

Surely i should be on the right wing next game? :D

14-05-14, 02:04 PM
and with me on the pitch to deliver some quality crosses, our defensive problems shouldnt matter

14-05-14, 02:24 PM
Defensive problems my arse, shut up and mind your own business pretty boy!!!!!!!!

See how defensive I got there :D. We'll have no problems at the back I say.

14-05-14, 02:27 PM
* disappointed to be in the 'not sure' side after a goal and an assist in last outing.
* disappointed that stats show only one shot on goal when there were two in the commentary.
* thinks the stat makers are out to get him dropped.


14-05-14, 02:40 PM
That proves it Trunky, i'm the better left back :lol:

Did you get Fergie offering you a contract, all the pasta you can wear and a free house to drive once a week?

No you fucking didn't...:fencing:

The amount of key stuff I did seals the deal. I am the real...erm...deal mofo...bow before me!

14-05-14, 02:43 PM
What happens if I go to the Posh gaffer?

Do you still track me? Give me weekly updates? Or will I be the forgotten man, the one who pops round for a quick pint and no one is in...

14-05-14, 03:20 PM
Poor Goofy :(
Good game of my rival, BTW Ready for next game

14-05-14, 03:22 PM
What happens if I go to the Posh gaffer?

Do you still track me? Give me weekly updates? Or will I be the forgotten man, the one who pops round for a quick pint and no one is in...

I'd make a note to commentate on you every now and then but this is about the Vipers, not other clubs :D

I take it you are considering the move then :D

14-05-14, 03:30 PM
* Hopes trunky will learn from his mistakes
* Glad to see the manager taking action against trunky

14-05-14, 04:24 PM
Did you get Fergie offering you a contract, all the pasta you can wear and a free house to drive once a week?

No you fucking didn't...:fencing:

The amount of key stuff I did seals the deal. I am the real...erm...deal mofo...bow before me!

Let's be honest here you'd be in the Posh reserves you posh git :high5: ;)

14-05-14, 05:45 PM
I'd make a note to commentate on you every now and then but this is about the Vipers, not other clubs :D

I take it you are considering the move then :D

It's a Fergie! Which means no fucking way. I'm a Viper and proud, though not gay like Baz.

14-05-14, 05:46 PM
Let's be honest here you'd be in the Posh reserves you posh git :high5: ;)

I know my way around a cheese knife if that's what you mean. What of it?

14-05-14, 06:42 PM
I have you know i'm bisexual, women and sheep only for me :)

14-05-14, 07:35 PM
*didn't realise Baz also liked women

14-05-14, 09:18 PM
unlucky lads, another solid performance from myself :D

14-05-14, 09:35 PM
Tough loss.

Time to bounce back! :ok:

14-05-14, 10:03 PM
* Felt good to be pulling the strings in midfield
* Thinks Goofy needs some extra laps and a salad

14-05-14, 10:27 PM
* Thinks Goofy needs some extra laps and a salad

Salad is what my food eats before its killed, fried and on my plate......... that counts :ok:

15-05-14, 12:04 AM
Gutted lads - lino made wrong call about offside!

15-05-14, 01:27 AM
Salad is what my food eats before its killed, fried and on my plate......... that counts :ok:

Touche! :lol:

15-05-14, 02:19 AM
Gutted lads - gaffer made wrong call about lineup!


*Beleives the squad needs more depth

15-05-14, 09:07 AM
Well, that sucked golfballs through a gardenhose. Can´t say I m happy about this result, even though I got a goal and MotM. We should´ve won and not bitch about the ref, who by default is a dick.

*Grabs Goofy and Jesus. "Well, listen, let's do a little extra training. Goofy can work on his handling skills, Jesus can practise his passing and crossing and I'll work on my heading and finishing. Hey-Seus, you provide a 100 crosses, I'll try to put those to good use and Goof can try to get his flabby gut infront of the ball. Let's go"..

15-05-14, 10:49 AM
*Developed eye-strain from trying to ascertain the final score
*Thinks The Gaffer is a tactical genius
*Still believes Fodster is indispensable to the club

15-05-14, 01:02 PM
Let's go!

15-05-14, 01:11 PM
*pushes Erk down a flight of stairs*

Hey Gaffer, i think Erk might be injured........ but i'm fit to play :)

15-05-14, 02:08 PM
"Any joy, Gaff?", I shouted from the touchline as Janis89 was being put through his paces with a series of drills to test his knee. We'd brought the central midfielder along with us with the intention of giving him a fitness test ahead of naming the team to play against Southport.

"It's not looking good, Mark!" Gaff shouted back with Janis89 looking forlorn.

"Don't get me wrong, I would love to get out on that pitch but The Gaffer can tell that I'm still feeling a slight pain when turning around the cones. I'm not going to be able to play..." said Janis89, looking crestfallen.

"Don't worry, Jan! I'm sure you'll be back in the team in no time. Get yourself back in the dressing room and keep that knee on ice. Hopefully you'll be fine for our next game which'll be our first home match." said The Gaffer.

As Janis89 trotted off, I turned to The Gaffer. "That makes one decision easier for you then?"

"Yep, Jesus will definitely start in the middle. In fact, I have three easy decisions to make because Erkifino and EL-TOPPO haven't turned up for the game when they would have started! So Goofy and Patinoz will get another start. To be fair, Pat's done well and was very unlucky in his first game. But Goofy will be desperate to make up for that last game against Hednesford."

"I have every faith in those two and the rest! Let's see then... So we've got 19 lads fit to play for the game which means four are going to miss out?"

"Yep. This is the part that I don't like, telling three that they haven't made the squad." sighed The Gaffer.

"Go on, get it over with. Just make sure that they know full well that they'll get plenty of games. They might even play the next game which is only three days away!"

"True... Here we go then..."


The days leading up to this game had been all about whether we could handle the pressure of playing at a professional level. I was reasonably confident that we'd at least adapt to it, maybe not straight away, but the results in our four friendlies had shown me that we could at least give our opponents a game. Admittedly, they were all non-league opponents but they still had some pedigree at playing at the level that we'd be playing this season.

Managed by John Coleman, Southport had also suffered a defeat in their last friendly, losing 4-1 to Newport but had beaten Worcester City and Salisbury beforehand. Karl Ledsham, Scott Brown and Nathan Ellington had been among the more impressive performers and I had a feeling that Ellington, if given a start, would run riot in the Conference. Surprisingly though, he'd been named on the bench in the friendlies yet still scored three times.

To my relief, I saw that both he and former Bristol City, Cheltenham, Port Vale and Morecambe midfielder Scott Brown were named on the bench.

As the game kicked off with Dermotron and Jamie Milligan as captains of the two teams and Rickie Nelson as referee, Southport were the first out of the blocks with a free-kick from Chris Almond powered over the bar with a header by James Smith.

Responding immediately with a free-kick of their own, Baz's cross into the box was knocked down for ozRooster by batman but Steve Akrigg got a head to clear it only for it to fall to bhnow who tried his luck immediately and witnessed his shot evade Dave Stevenson and into the net! After just 8 minutes, CM Vipers had their first ever goal courtesy of defensive midfielder bhnow!

Southport tried to regain their control on the game but Bevchenko was first to break up an attack from them and Jesus followed suit in dispossessing another Southport player and the latter saw his header to bhnow passed on to Bevchenko. The attacking midfielder's cross to batman was well received and as batman brought the ball down, he spotted Stevenson off his line and attempted an audacious chip that did beat Stevenson and amazingly, ended up in the net! It could well be a contender for goal of the season already!

Sensing blood, Nikolayov got in on the action and picked up a cross from Jesus to half volley the ball at goal but sent his effort wide. A few minutes later, he was at it again to beat Aaron Chalmers before unleashing a shot at goal that Stevenson tipped wide. The corner from Jesus was swung into the box but headed away by Chalmers.

The Vipers retained possession and after picking up a pass, Jesus turned into the box but was brought down by Akrigg with a hard tackle. A clear penalty to most but not to Rickie Nelson who waved away the appeal as Bevchenko got on to the loose ball and shot first time only to see Stevenson again tip the ball out for another corner that was again wasted by Jesus as the half-time whistle was blown.

Anyone watching this game so far wouldn't believe how well we were playing. Southport had been the first to have an attempt which was off target but hadn't had another shot since whereas the Vipers had scored twice from five on target from six attempts overall. Hopefully The Gaffer was praising their efforts in that changing room and was encouraging them to keep it going. I could see us hitting three again, definitely.

As the game got back underway, Southport were the first to attack as they had done in the first half. A pass from Chalmers to Milligan resulted in a high and wild shot from the captain as Goofy remained untroubled.

As they had done in the first half, the Vipers responded in the best way possible. Another ball from Jesus to Nikolayov in the penalty area saw the striker blast it at goal and after Stevenson had pushed it away, Bevchenko was the first to react to follow the ball up and into the net, 3-0!

That had been Nikolayov's third shot of the game and he was clearly desperate for a debut goal. He tried again shortly afterwards following a move between ozRooster, bhnow, ZanSnake and Bevchenko with the latter passing into the box. Attempting a volley, Nikolayov's shot skimmed the bar and over!

We were up to the 73rd minute now and The Gaffer suffered a blow in bhnow, the first Vipers goalscorer, clearly in pain with his thigh. Helped off the pitch by The Gaffer, gazzas1uk came on in his place.

The change actually changed the game with Southport finally registering a shot on target as Almond was fed in by Milligan but saw Goofy push the shot away. Baz and Patinoz combined to clear the ball but Southport hit back as Penford volleyed the ball towards Almond who blazed the ball over the net.

The scoreboard then showed two minutes of injury time which allowed the Vipers to surprise Southport with a counter attack that resulted in an unbelievable volley from Jesus that left Stevenson with no chance of saving to make it 4-0.

Funnily enough, Southport's Coleman decided then that Stevenson had suffered enough and took him off the pitch, sending on Ben Smith.

But immediately afterwards, Nelson blew the final whistle!


The perfect start to life for CM Vipers with a 4-0 win... Surely that meant that the icing on the cake would be to start off the season at the top of the league?

Apparently not as a 5-1 win for Forest Green courtesy of braces from Yan Klukowski and Magno Vieira as well as another from Ross Farran meant that Ade Pennock's side pipped us to first place!


15-05-14, 02:19 PM

Now play me Gaffer, else I'm off to Stoke :lol:

15-05-14, 02:19 PM
Very good game. I dream about more games like that.
Also I can't wait for mine first league goal.

15-05-14, 02:25 PM
Yeah great game lads ;).

Next time I want to do experiment :P. I want a forward arrow and not cut inside one! :P.

15-05-14, 02:29 PM
I got an 8 rating, thats the equivalent to a pretty boy attacker rating a 16....

15-05-14, 02:36 PM
Absolutely buzzing to have got my first goal for the Vipers in a league match. Feeling very comfortable in the center of the park feeding passes left, right and center!

15-05-14, 02:46 PM
Great win there lads...I have no idea why you started with that dodgy left back though...a 6? What was he doing? Eating pies?

Excellent to keep a clean sheet as well...

15-05-14, 02:46 PM
Quietish game of mine but can't complain about a match rating of 7 as a defender.

Great game from midfield and attack. Well done.

15-05-14, 03:08 PM
See, that extra training paid off. Goof even got an 8! Well played lads! NOW WE MUST NOT LET THIS FUCKING SLIP!!!

15-05-14, 03:22 PM
*Wants first team football
*Is Homesick
*Feels the gaffer is making the wrong decision playing Patinoz
*Feels the club needs better training facilities
*Thinks the club needs to employ Eva Carneiro

- - - Updated - - -

is glad to have a rest after raping Boston United.
is quite pleased he got Kelly Brook to accompany him to the game today.

Kidnapping dont count :ok:

15-05-14, 03:49 PM
*Wants first team football
*Is Homesick
*Feels the gaffer is making the wrong decision playing Patinoz
*Feels the club needs better training facilities
*Thinks the club needs to employ Eva Carneiro

- - - Updated - - -

Kidnapping dont count :ok:

No post after the last game meant that you didn't get included in the squad. Same applied to Erkifino who did post before my report but not before I had already set the team and kicked off :(

Just so you all know, the team selection is based purely on form as well as fitness from now on :ok:

15-05-14, 04:02 PM
Damn work getting in the way of my budding football career... Damn it :lol:

15-05-14, 04:04 PM
Just so you all know, the team selection is based purely on form as well as fitness from now on :ok:

Which means I will spend the rest of my career on the bench!
Cut down before I could even get started.

Good win lads.
You looked good from the sidelines.

15-05-14, 04:26 PM
Wooohoooo go Vipers, what a start to the season.

15-05-14, 04:29 PM
Awesome result lads!

Can't say the same about my own though :tsk:

Onward and upward :ok:!

15-05-14, 06:20 PM
*pushes Erk down a flight of stairs*

Hey Gaffer, i think Erk might be injured........ but i'm fit to play :)

tis but a scratch!

Good result lads :ok:

15-05-14, 07:51 PM
Looking sharp for the start of the season!

15-05-14, 08:09 PM
Thats more fucking like it boys :ok:

*happy to see our defenders doing a great job*
*delighted with a clean sheet and an 8 rating*
*thinks the gaffer is a tactical genius*

15-05-14, 10:20 PM
*is sad to be dropped for an injury prone pussy

15-05-14, 10:33 PM
Happy with team performance, happy with my own performance.
*Still icing bruising in thigh area, after having full coke can thrown at me from own team bench

15-05-14, 11:27 PM
Not even on the bench

* wants to move to a bigger club
* thinks the gaffer is inept
* dislikes cm vipers

15-05-14, 11:55 PM
Yes boys!!

EI EI E I O.............

16-05-14, 07:43 AM
*thinks Fods needs to get laid more often.
*happy to continue the extra training hours with Goofy and Jesus
*Is curious to see how the team and the gafferwill handle Fodstergate
*thinks the club should consider a name change to Eastenders FC or some soapy such.
*looking forward to his professional debut

16-05-14, 07:53 AM
*willing to be Fodsters wing man off the field.
*in talks with MTV about being part of "The Only Way Is Barnet"
*is under pressure to allow Kelly Brook to move in with him.
*managed to get "The Crystals" to leave Selhurst Park and join the revolution at CM Vipers.
*expects morale to be boosted within the club at the above news.