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Thread: [STORY] A Golden and Fearless Ambition

  1. #326

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    I like that, playing 7 matches in a row

  2. #327

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    Great stuff, but I fear for the two want-aways (and one of them's me )

  3. #328

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    The Second Journey
    Chapter Six:
    Christmas Chronicles


    As I spun round a large sphere, like a warp into another world, the first thing I saw before going into the bright light that was fast approaching the image of the one person that would enforce me to sell players when/if I was going back:


    But as soon as the image passed my eyes, I had entered the twilight zone that had laid before my eyes, and had totally entered a world of strange and freakiness

    Jump One: Censored Christmas

    Spoiler!


    After just narrowly escaping death, I was fully relieved to be able to escape the crazy environment in which I had been transported to, but as I was once again thrown into the sphere, I was once again forced to watch the same image as before, only this time, it was somewhat more horrific.



    Hoping I could cleanse my eyes – it was time again to enter another ‘world’ just hoping it would be the way back home.

    Jump Two: Celebrate Celebrity

    Spoiler!


    As i went through the sphere once more, it seemed my last encounter changed something, though still had a rather the same feeling to it:



    Knowing that it would be a rather far journey till returning home I settled myself for the absurd to occur, but surely nothing would beat the last two jumps – right?

    Jump 3: Intelligent Interest

    Spoiler!


    With my bare ass out as we flew through the sphere, the same image occurred once again:



    And this time, it was a more situated placement then the others.

    Jump 4: Carting the Conundrum

    Spoiler!


    Once again the same image, modified once again, emerged infront of me as I went towards the light once more.

    [

    Jump 5: Video Game Vengance

    Spoiler!


    The final jump – maybe back home? I couldn’t tell! Though the image within the sphere turned more festive then before.



    Final Jump: Meta-Morph

    Spoiler!


    As I emerged from the final spiral, I thought from each single jumps into each world I hate learnt something. From the first jump: I learned that there really is a darker side to Christmas that will make an iconic character into a pimp, from the second jump: to never trust chickens, third jump: intelligent people are stalkers, fourth jump: never trust a person made out of paper cut-outs, fifth jump: unlimited respawns are only useful for those who learns and the sixth jump: my creator is a dick!

    With those lessons, I had to turn back to what truly mattered – trying to unravel the problems that still lay ahead of me, in terms of football, not really knowing what the lessons learnt from entering the spiral would have.

    But as usual only time could tell

    TO BE CONTINUED.

  4. #329

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    Have you spent your crimbo money on some mega stash ? Even by ZanSnake standards, that was a bit weird.

    I hope this doesn't meen that the weirdness, sex and violence is about to be put away. That is what makes your work so different and entertaining.
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

  5. #330

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    What the hell just happened? My brain hurts just reading that. God knows what was going on in your head!

  6. #331
    ebfatz is offline Social Media Bod
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    What?
    What?

    I mean.............................................. ................................................wh at?!

  7. #332

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  8. #333

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    Why in email notification you are named BranFlakes :-k

  9. #334

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kowalinho View Post
    Why in email notification you are named BranFlakes :-k
    I don't know...


    what...


    to...




    say....





  10. #335

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    The Second Journey
    Chapter Six:
    Christmas Chronicles
    Delayed Extension!


    Oh how I wished that Christmas was a jolly time of the year, after spending what seemed the period of three nightmares plus with something that you can shit out as some kind of religious manifestation, like that I am the ‘Jesus’ clone that Phetrovolgy wished I was, bringing unity and peace under the radar of ‘ignorance’, I had to do a fucking football managerial job to do, if anyone remembered!

    Shaking off the attempts of the sexualised Hulk Hogan, I seemed to be up for anything then that, hell, spending a night with the same cell as Justin Bieber would seem like a gift from God – this Bitch seemed to be the raped rather than the raper despite what media had proclaimed.

    Not to be dismissed by the hindrance of the ‘travel’ my attentions was toward the home game against Second Division Cheltenham Town. And maybe prevailing through the earlier stages of the FA cup would be the acknowledgement we have had through the national scene.



    With an unchanged side, I hoped that maybe can be put aside for what could be a distinctive run in the FA Cup, and that, hopefully/maybe we can prevail into the latter stages of the competition.

    Saturday 7th December 2013
    English FA Cup 2nd Round
    Newark v. Cheltenham
    6-1

    (Moxey pen 17’, Kowalinho ’26 ’28 ’47 ’76, Wato ’53)(Deering ’49)
    MoM – Kowalinho

    A matched that completely showed the dominance that we had with the ‘higher’ structure, a team that seems struggled with the prospect of staying within the ‘second’ division and once more closer towards the Premier League title.

    Though some heads seemed to be bigger than the club as BobMem was outspoken with the level of play that the club was at, in comparison of the luxurious Liverpool offer that seemed to be big orated towards the influence of the opposite scene, we toxicated the opposition to the possible that we had barred the belief the strong will sacrifice.
    Though at the head of the galore was the Polish-yet-Brazilian-named Assassin Kowalinho, in actuality everyone played apart – with four assists out of six of the goals – we showed once again the class which was strong within the team – onward we marched….

    ….straight into another Cup game – or should I say Trophy? - This time it was against Bradford City, who was struggling to find their feet in the Second Division. Hoping to add more pressure onto the Bantams boss, it was an unchanged side that would face them on OUR ground:



    Tuesday 10th December 2013
    Vans Trophy North 1st Round
    Newark v. Bradford
    1-0

    (Wato ’30)
    MoM – E. Wato

    A stubborn defensive from the away side made it hard for the majority of our 13 chances count for much, tiring the legs of the players. It was only due the Frank Lampard-esque determination of the central man that we were able to account such a high tally on goal, and like a fable written by an autistic over-weight virgin teenager, it was that aforementioned name that had finally broke onto the score board.

    With supporting players such as Hemphill and Zbimg holding up the ball, Wato charged into the open space yards outside the box, and as it was layed off, went past one defender before a long-driven shot into the top right corner! What a goal!


    Wato: Our Lampard?

    But the stubbornness was still apparent, and come the end of the first half, O’Toibin legs couldn’t take it anymore and Henderson came on – but to no effect. It had returned to watching a game of golf – utter shite!

    Finally the agony was over as the whistle blew – and we went through to the next round. The draw was the very next day, and watching the Twitter feeds with an every glancing eye on Helen Flanagan’s ‘assests’ – I was soon told who our next opponents would be:



    Leicester.

    After sacking Nigel Pearson and hiring Paul Jewell, the team nose-dived, like many modern Jewell teams, into the relegation zone and are facing modernity within the Second Division, despite having an impressing team – they are just on the clinches of the play-offs, shit bastards!

    But the attention had to be back on to the football at hand, with the next game being away against Dag and Red, it was once again another unchanged side facing the home team:



    Saturday 14th December 2014
    English Third Division
    Crystal Palace v. Newark
    1-2

    (M. Jackson ’61)(Kowalinho ’50, BobMem ’52)
    MoM – Kowalinho

    Once again it was the familiar name on the tips of peoples tongue, who celebrated once more by ‘advertising’ his ‘freedom’ of his ‘services’ in the future – this time having a plane fly over the ground with an attached number of his girlfriend written on it, though I later heard people thought it was an advertisement for a phone sex service – but he had earned it.

    Despite the possession play from the home side, we countered in a terrific display, 16 chances on goal – only 7 missing the target! After a lacklustre first half, the second half saw both sides turn into gear, with Zbimg going through the defence like training cones only to top it off with an excellent lay-off for his strike partner – 1-0. A couple of moments later, Hemphill did the usual job which was finished off by the other want-away BobMem – sealing the three points and a happy drive back home.

    Or so I thought it would be. Firstly, there was the arrangement of the bus back home:



    It seemed this would be as packed as three fat men in a sauna – let that image sink in! But soon, as we headed off, I heard my phone ringing – and navigating my hand like Indiana Jones running from a large boulder as he saw the exit – I saw the face that lit up on the screen:



    Niko: What does that fat bastard want now?

    I said, thinking it just stopped because the ring tone was going to loop round once more.

    Yermolai: ‘Fat Bastard’? How dare you! I will get a kitchen knife to one side of your mouth to your ear, and then to the other, so every time you see me, you’ll be happy! And then you should not play me like a Polishman!
    Kowalinho: I find that, how do I say….. offensive?

    I turned off the loud-speaker and brought my sweaty hand to my ear, feeling the radiant steam of BobMem’s fat warm arse ushering into my face – never mind the horrid smell!

    Niko: Right, before you rip off anymore DC Supervillians, may I ask why you are calling?
    Yermolai: Do I sound like I drunk a crate of vodka, Nikolavski?
    Niko: With you, it’s hard to tell.
    Yermolai: Well, no I haven’t! Do you remember our chat the other week?
    Niko: I told you should go to the doctors about that! Please don’t let me remember on walking in on what you and Yasha were doing!
    Yermolai: I am not laughing, Nikolavski! I said you needed to sell players, but no-one has gone! I want to see players leave, soon, or otherwise, my next drink of ‘Bloody Mary’ would be a ‘Bloody Croatian’!

    He said before hanging up, and just like that, one man’s ears peeked up.

    BobMem: So you have to sell players, huh? Does that mean I can pack my bags now, instead of the summer?
    Niko: You were eavesdropping huh? I get to say who is leaving, and who is going, get it!?

    As the long drive wasn’t close to the destination I started to try and evaluate the scenario in my head – it was clear, some of the faces I had come accustomed to in the last 18 months will have to leave. BobMem was right though, it would be best for the club to try and captivate on his ‘issue’ now rather then letting him go free – as his contract would be done in the summer, and with all negotiations going downhill due to his repentance on leaving the club, it meant one thing:



    With reluctance, he was the first on the transfer list as I tried to come to terms with the one thing I hated to do – possibly lose a winning team due to financial reasons, and break the decent run of form we had established. And soon, more names were added:





    After four days the news was made, and I felt like this Christmas felt like it take forever to come. With another away game on the cards against Rochdale, the mood of the team being torn and battered, I decided to try and keep a winning team going:



    Saturday 21st December 2013
    English Third Division
    Rochdale v. Newark

    0-0
    MoM – J. Lillis

    A depleted performance – a disheartened team – a poor result in context with the previous runs of form, the thorough attack lacked the composure and spontaneous moments that had come an occurring theme to the side. Instead, every tweet at goal was silenced by the reflexes of the caption Lillis.

    Luckily, the opposition seemed to be a foreign side – they didn’t seem comfortable on the ball – and allowed us to take a point.

    Before the Christmas party was to happen, more news had arrived – Lewin Nytanga had left the club, after joining in the summer and not playing a single game, for Hercules in the Spanish Second Division for £250k and a bid for Majewski was accepted from Blackpool also. Trying to excite people I decided to take the team out to a horse ranch but, as we toured the stables, I saw a familiar face – one I thought I would never see again.

    Niko: Oh My God….



    Niko: Ring-Ring?!

    Person in the background: Hello? Helloooo?!? Hello?!?! What the fuck I am sure I heard that fucking phone just go off just now!

    Ling-Ling: Yes, Nikoravski, it is me, Ring-Ring!

    Person in the background: Yes, hello?? Aw, for fucksake!

    As the anonymous mysterious curser screamed in the background, Ling-Ling aimed his foot in the air right at him, and soon a large object came flying out the sole of his shoe straight for the man’s head!



    It stuck straight into his head, and we all watched as he dropped to the floor, saying his emotional last words.

    AMC: All… I did… was…answer the ….fucking…. phone…..

    After a second, I turned back round to face the man responsible!

    Niko: Oh My Gawd! Ring-Ring killed AMC!
    Guy picking up phone: HELLO? B!

    But then I remembered what happened the last time I saw this man, he was thrown out of a building, or so I thought, so how did he survive?

    Niko: How did you survive?
    Ling-Ling:
    Werr, the horses picked up the wremains of my body and wrepaiwred it. But, I am now Ultrwa-mecha-strwong! And now, you sharr feer the wwrath of Howrsezirra!

    But before he could finish the epic dance to summon the beast, a saviour came in to stop him.



    Jean-Claude Van Damme entered from now where and roundhouses kick the North Korean, kicking his head off.

    JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme says you better call for repairs, because there has been ….

    - Epic Pause-

    JCVD: …. A Van Damage!
    Niko: Oh my Gawd! Jean-Claude Van Damme killed Ring-Ring!
    Guy picking up phone, once again: HEEELLLLLOOOOOO? Bd!!!!!

    As the man who kept falling for the same joke went off to, presumably, kill himself – I walked over to my saviour.

    Niko: Hey, thanks Van Damme for saving my life, how can I repay?
    JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn’t need favours – favours are already done for him.
    Niko: Okay.
    JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme uses third person – because he roundhouse kicked the first two people.
    Niko: Nice to know….
    Niko: (thinking) Doesn’t that mean he roundhouse kicked him-
    JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn’t read thoughts – he interrupts them!

    With that telepathic message transpired I decided to back away from the mental case known-

    Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn’t just appear in stories – he writes them!

    ….

    After escaping the excemption of the paranormal clutches of an action/martial-arts star, I got the lads off the farm, only to be even more disturbed by the image on my way out.



    Niko: What the hell is wrong with this place?

    I said, as we drove away as fast as possible from the farm.

    A few days after it was the Christmas party, and the mood was still submerged with negativity surrounding the possible sales that might occur in the up-coming weeks, or even days, as Majewski £475k move to Blackpool was announced on the same day – bad PR, I know, but since Babe fucked off after shattering my heart, Yermolai couldn’t be arsed to find a replacement.

    Mistletoe, vodka cocktails, stuffed cabage bears – it all suited the worst Christmas party ever, and it was going to get worse as two men walked through the doors, Theodore Eejit and his new apprentice The Eejit – both having fitting names.



    Theo: Right, time to find the marmalade, a cloakroom and some hungry-hungry hippos-that-has-recently-had-liposuction!
    Eejit: Yeah! time tae gie some babes tae tackle th' wee tickle wearin' naethin' but tinsel!
    Theo: You know it!

    They said high fiving one another, as the DJ started to ‘jam’, replaying the same song over and over again. I walked over as a battle seemed to brewing, but as I got their a familiar face arrived.



    Niko: Zan?
    Zan: Yo, Niko! Liking my mad skills?
    Niko: Not really… What in the hell are you doing here?
    Zan: Dumbass, I am here to get the party started!

    Which was the only song he kept playing, the fucking annoying and not holiday themed song by Pink!

    Niko: Look, kick the shit. Why are you really here?
    Zan: Wait a minute!

    He said, pressing the shuffle button and doing a 360 corkscrew sommersault of the stage onto the floor, a couple of steps away, right next to me.

    Zan: Niko, they are watching you! You don’t understand it!
    Niko: Ah, for fucksake. I knew I should have paid for my TV License! Fucking BBC!
    Zan: No, you idiot, I meant ‘them’.
    Niko: ‘Them?’ You don’t mean ‘M’?
    Zan: Wait, ‘M’ as in Judi Dench?
    Niko: No, I meant ‘M’ the guy who I nearly killed but escaped a couple of years ago, you know, Phetrovolgy?
    Zan: Oh, yeah. The name was ‘Him’ not ‘M’.
    Niko: But Theo said it was ‘M’?
    Zan: Are you sure he wasn’t talking about his marmalade based drug?
    Niko: Maybe it was all a hallucination. You know, chasing the ‘M’, like chasing the dragon?
    Zan: Oh yeah, and maybe we are all in a story on a football forum dedicated to a ten year old game – but is, you know, not really about football!
    Niko: I see where you’re coming from – and we are, though the author said it would be more football based.
    Zan: Yep. Wait a second-
    Niko: So is he after me?
    Zan: I don’t know, all I is some people are after you.
    Niko: And you came all this way just to tell me that ‘some’ people are after me? Dude, in the last year I have been kidnapped by Simon Cowell, stalked by a clown, harassed by an insane dictator of an Asian country, teleported to another dimension and got anally probed – I think I can deal with ‘some’ people.
    Zan: Yeah, but isn’t that just a usual thing with you, you know, midgets?
    Niko: What? Where!

    I said spinning, punching the first small person I could see in the face – which was a little child.

    Mother: Oh my Gawd! You broke his nose, all he wanted was an autograph.
    Niko: Whoops.

    Turning round, Zan had disappeared, as did my interest for the rest of the party – and soon I soothed into the backdrop of the party, drinking the vodka cocktails and smoking away my pack of 20 Richmond’s. But as I stood atop of the main stand, I heard the steps of heels walking towards me. I looked out to the darkness, the figure slowly coming into view – it was an angelic figure that I had seen once before.

    Niko: Babe?

    I whispered into the wind, as the figure came closer to my vision, but as did the whisper that leapt from my mouth, my hope was blown away by the patronising wind. And so, I left Boltsky Stadium alone for the night – and for Christmas.

    Boxing day soon arrived, and as my life seemed destined to be stagnated further, it was time for another game of football! This time it was at home, which we hadn’t lost a game at, so far this season. Wanting to avoid a possible first home defeat, it was time for some changes: Kowalinho, Zbimg, BobMem, O’Toibin out and Ediz, Van der Voom, Balkenstein and Henderson in.



    Thursday 26th December 2013
    English Third Division
    Newark v. Fleetwood
    4-0

    (Ediz ‘8 ’80, Van der Voom ’30 ’43)
    MoM – H. Van der Voom

    A display that outshone the previous performance, with some players proving why that despite some transfers coming out of the team – we have enough to still be the best in the league. A corner won in 7th minute was the opening to the destruction with Hemphill’s skillfull coming into use as he found the head of Ediz. 22 minutes later, Henderson dribble away down the left hand side, and the sixteen year old showed what the future could be with a nicely time lobbed ball for the heel of Van der Voom to double the lead.

    But it wasn’t done there, as a nice one-two from Eejit and Wato finished with a nice through ball from Wato for Van der Voom to find his second and gifting the opposition the medal of complete destruction.

    In the second I told the lads to ease off, and they did, but they broke my rules as Van der Voom and Ediz connected to make the final sweep, with Ediz lobbing the goalkeeper and making it another brace.

    Not one for breaking a winning stride, it was the same eleven that would play the final game of 2013, an away game against Play-Off wishing Torquay:



    Saturday 28th December 2013
    English Third Division
    Torquay v. Newark

    1-0
    (Jarvis’2)
    MoM – P. Smith

    But it seemed that the winning ‘stride’ was an illusion as we were beaten for the first time in seven games in the league and nine in overall. As usual for when we are beaten, or drop points, in was due to the exceptional work of the goalkeeper, the stubbornness of the oppositions worth of attack and the lacklustre attacking and defensive performances – with Balkenstein allowing Jarvis to find the net too easily and Van der Voom failing to add to his sensational performance he has last game.

    With the mildew of the moral of the team hanging in the air more players were added to the transfer list: Drew Talbot, Lee Collins and Volkan Ediz – whose head had grown three sizes since the Boxing Day game – and being a cause for so much anger in the team. Though that information helped appease some of the moral, it was time for the New Year’s Eve party.


    The party was fancy dresser, with Theodore Eejit and The Eejit donning matching playboy bath robes and false-smoking pipes and Kowalinho dressed as David Beckham – his ‘other-half’ being Victoria – I had come as Han Solo, which seemed to be the stance of the night for me.

    Niko: Okay Niko, it is time for you to find a woman: because you need to be Leia-d!

    Hitting my head with my face with the awful pun, it seemed the effect of it being a chat-up line was the same result, as I was drenched on more occasions with the Vodka cocktails, which had become accustomed to the club, and being left alone at the make shift bar, with another person – a man dressed as the devil.

    Niko: Guess you are not getting some either, right?

    I said downing the rest of my drink, as I spun round to the bar for another – before getting a look at the person I was talking to.



    Niko: Van Damme?
    JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn’t deal with the devil – the devil deals with him!
    Niko: Right, I get it you are ‘almighty’!
    JCVD: Jean-Claude Van Damme isn’t anything – he is everything!
    Niko: Right, I get that as the moment to leave.

    I said grabbing the vodka bottle from the side and the untouched rum, plus some mixers and an empty glass – and escaped to the place that seemed like a second-home to me – the top of the main stand.



    As the breeze tried to make me feel the cold wind, it failed, as I drank the mixture of alcoholic drinks I had created that had numbed be away from the celebrations from the inside world. The pumpy-fading pop music, the large clear moonlit canvas, the haunting abandoned space around me – it was inviting. But, as I finished the vodka and rum, I reluctantly dragged my drunken state inside towards the bar – with hope that the ‘devil’ wouldn’t try and temptate me.

    As timing would have it though, at that moment BobMem emerged onto the stage. Drunk out of his mind, he grabbed the microphone and looked intense for a guy who had seemed to set to get pissed from the start.

    BobMem: Hello, gentlemen and gentlemen! I am BobMem – yes, thee BobMem – the greatest defender that this club has, will ever have, and come the summer, had!

    The audience started to converse to one another about the sudden emergence of this information.

    BobMem: Yes, that is right! My contract at Newark is no more in the summer, and instead of staying at a dump like Newark-on-Trent, or a sick-bucket of Newark ‘Athletic’, I have agreed, with my agent Ama Peach, that I will join the superior club, Liverpool FC!

    He said about to walk off the stage, before adding.

    BobMem: Oh, and Niko? FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING CRAZY LONELY BASTARD!!

    He said dropping the microphone, and dropping onto the stage floor, where the crowd split in half with only two men at either side: BobMem and Me. Feeling my blood starting to rise, and with my experience of ‘anger’ problems, I crushed the bottle in my hand as I tighten my fists. Trying to repress the burning desire to finish this bastard off, I looked down as I felt the burning looks the crowd glared into me.

    BobMem: Niko Bergstrom, the great Niko Bergstrom. Not so great, not so great.

    He mumbled, as he stumbled, getting ready for a rumble. But I just looked up, and stared at the drunken buffoon in front of me. Dancing in circles with his fist held up, hoping – no – wanting something to happen. A pathetic image of someone I thought something of.

    Niko: Kid, you better put them down – or I’ll put you down.

    As I said that, his arms flopped to the side. He twirled around before tripping and falling onto the floor, puke flying out of his mouth. Shaking my head side-to-side, I grabbed the last two bottles of rums and one more bottle of vodka, leaving the stadium for one destination - home.



    Due to the amount I drank, I walked down this lonely road, finishing not one but two bottles with each step. Stumbling onto the floor, the cement ground looked like a five star bed, but my delusions was soon interrupted by the flash lights of passing cars – it was nearly half-past eleven – some people were still trying to get to loved ones for the final countdown.

    Niko: Sappy bastards…

    I shouted out to them, before gaining my composure and carrying on with the seamlessly difficult journey. But, as I walked and drank, an idea popped into my confused state – I grabbed my mobile phone from my pocket and texted to the one person I knew I could rely on. And despite the drunken Han Solo that was carrying a half a bottle of vodka, with an illuminous face staring into a phone – not a single person stopped to help.

    It was 23:54 when I arrived home.

    The door was ajar, as promised, as I stumbled in hurriedly. I slammed the door shut, using it to support my back as I stared at the obstacle that laid before me – the stairs.

    Niko: I am back!

    I screamed to the dim light waiting up stairs.

    23:57.

    I managed to get up stairs, despite the obstacle of my trousers being around my ankles.

    23:58.

    Stumbling down the seemingly endless hallway, I finally emerged at the bedroom door.

    23:59.

    A moment to try and catch some kind of sobriety.

    00:00.

    Time for a happy New Year as I pushed open the door, to reveal the person who will make this whole year so much better for me….

    Spoiler!


  11. #336

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    A month to the day since the last one - sorry for the delay but i think this is better then what i had in store - and we have official got more than 100,000 words within this story, 102,578 to be precise and 279 pages on Word document. Hope to start on another one sooner then this one, but hey, hopefully it was worth the wait.

    And BobMem, don't worry, HOPEFULLy it will all build up to a possible storyline in the far-far future (aka you returning to club, or something).

  12. #337

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    What BobMem is doing with my Princess?

  13. #338

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    Football, football, head f*ck, football, more head f*ck. Brilliant!

    BobMem sounds like a d*ck, although a surprisingly accurate description of me on a night out...

    KUTGW!

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    Wow, not a single goal in this great update !!! What has happened to Zbimg ?

    Happy new year Niko!

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    Just to say I'm not ignoring this. I just haven't had the chance to fully absorb a G&FA update. I'll try to schedule some time today
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

  16. #341

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    I know hangover can be hard but is there any news about update?

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    My head hurts as if it has just been hit by a horse shoe. Shit, does that make me AMC or Ling-Ling/Ring-Ring or is that just one of me as I appear to be suffering from some sort of Schizophrenia.

    Fuck it. AGFA is just to hard to try to understand and make meaningful life changing decisions to follow my life according to the idioms of Phetrovology. Can there really be more to life than a pot of marmalade and a babe to wear it ?
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

  18. #343

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kowalinho View Post
    I know hangover can be hard but is there any news about update?
    Post-21st March - Essays to be handed in then, which with wasted time in being forced to move from one block to another one - so i have to delegate the time between moving my stuff, university general coursework and essay writing.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Eejit;
    My head hurts as if it has just been hit by a horse shoe. Shit, does that make me AMC or Ling-Ling/Ring-Ring or is that just one of me as I appear to be suffering from some sort of Schizophrenia.

    Fuck it. AGFA is just to hard to try to understand and make meaningful life changing decisions to follow my life according to the idioms of Phetrovology. Can there really be more to life than a pot of marmalade and a babe to wear it ?
    Seems to me, you guys all think i am somewhat mental

  19. #344

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    Quote Originally Posted by ZanSnake View Post
    Seems to me, you guys all think i am somewhat mental
    Think ...... we are way beyond thinking
    The artist formally known as The Eejit

  20. #345

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Eejit View Post
    Think ...... we are way beyond thinking

  21. #346

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    It's post 21st, any news?

  22. #347

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kowalinho View Post
    It's post 21st, any news?
    It will be posted/written when i get the 'ZanSnake' creative thrill/drive, which at the moment is half-way there. I create from random thoughts/ideas and then create scenarios and characters from that - aka to make the random happen

    I am drained atm, so might be a little longer - or might happen tonight - that is the problem with the 'ZanSnake' Drive (trademark in mind ) it happens when it happens. But, right now i do have some funny moments.

    Ps. Does help when i watch something i find intriuing that i can take the piss out of also

  23. #348

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    Aka some point tomorrow

  24. #349

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    The Second Journey
    Chapter Seven:
    Onward to The New Challenges


    After a perfect night, my morning started to dread what I had swagged down – relishing with the idea of the woman I awoke to, I was left wondering after all I saw was an empty side of the bed. But before I could try to think what could have happened, I was awoken back to reality with a phone call reminding me of the first match of 2014.

    It was a home game against mid-table Rotherham, and despite the drinking party of the night before, the lads seemed enthusiastic for the start of the New Year, with only three changes: Van der Voom with Zbimg, Liam coming into centre-back instead of Balkenstein and Henderson playing at right-back.



    Wednesday 1st January 2014
    English Third Division
    Newark v. Rotherham

    3-1
    (Ediz '4, Kowalinho '20, Wato '50)(Miller '36)
    MoM – O'Toibin

    Fortunately, that enthusiasm had transpired into a positive attacking display, which showed our dominance that we wanted to continue into the rest of the year. And it all started with the want-a-way striker Ediz snipping in onto O'Toibin's cross into the far post. Unfortunately, Ediz's game would end only 13 minutes later when he would suffer a strained ankle, in which Kowalinho was the replacement.

    It wasn't long until Kowalinho made his impact felt, as a Hemphill free-kick lead to a nice headed goal for Kowalinho into the back of the new – 20 minutes in. The away side hoped for a way back into the game, which came close when Miller finished off an amazing move. The second half started off well with Wato continuing his good goalscoring form with an amazing volley, that was seeded by O'Toibin, for his second assist and to assert his Man of the Match award.



    The next game up was the Third Round match against Coventry, a team in the division above – once again – allowing us a chance to showcase the fact we are too good to be in this division. For the game, I changed the injured Moxey for Baz, and Henderson for Jose Hernandez and Kowalinho replaced the injured Ediz.

    Putting my faith into Zbimg to break his goalless streak, it was soon time to line-up the players for the kick-off:



    Saturday 4th January 2014
    English FA Cup Third Round
    Newark v. Coventry

    Spoiler!


    Following this, the news came out for our next opponents:



    West Ham!

    A definite improvement of challenge, as the former Premier League, are on task with returning to the glory-land after last season's relegation. Hoping to use this opportunity more for financial reasons, I started to foam at the mouth at the prospect of the amount of money we could gather from Gate ticket sales!

    With two draining games, we were soon given good news with that due to bad weather, our game scheduled for the 29th of the month.

    But the next game was an away game against Bristol Rovers, to which I decided against making any changes, expecting for another fine performance from the lads:



    Saturday 11th January 2014
    English Third Division
    Bristol Rovers v. Newark

    1-1
    (Brown '76)(Hemphill '23)
    MoM – Lee Brown

    An utter disgrace of a defensive showing ruined what should have been a routine win. The attacking sense, in the first half, we had two chances – a usual spectacular free-kick from the captain Hemphill, 23 minutes in, and then a wasteful shot from Zbimg on 38 minutes.

    It seemed we were gifting the opposition the chance to equalise, but it was only thanks to the lacklustre defending and the freshness of the substitute of Lee Brown, that allowed them to take advantage and gain a deserved point.

    Feeling like we needed another intermission between the games, I decided to take the leads to another 'team-bonding' and relaxing journey - once again, hoping to silence the anger from some of the lads (I was excluding BobMem from the team of course). I decided to take them to Sherwood Forest...



    Yes, not the actual Sherwood Forest near Nottingham, but the forest that homed the ex-Tottenham player, Tim Sherwood. It was legend, that the retired player had gone insane and was now living in a 'magical' forest – awaiting for the opportunity to manage Tottenham themselves – of course he was 'contractually' a coach for them, but really all he did was send YouTube videos of other teams training sessions.

    Niko: Right lads, this is Tim Sherwood Forest – the mystical and, for some bollocks reason, magical home of the former player. We are here to explore the land as a TEAM to find him – and make him realise that the joke is trying to play with living in a forest just for his namesake is sad!

    I said, as the lads lined up like a bunch of soldiers getting order to cross into No Man's Land.

    Niko: We are here to find him as a TEAM! I don't want any bollocks out there – I want an army! Do you understand?

    Team: Yes Sergeant Awesome!

    Niko: Good, now let's split you guys into two for horror cliché sake, and get ready. Anyone who gets lost will get a punch in the back of the head for forgetting we are walking into 6 foot woods, and we all have Lougle Maps on our phones!

    After thirty minutes walking through the forest...

    Niko: For fuck-sake! I am lost!

    But before I could grab my phone to check my GPS placement, I was soon ashamed by a woman.



    The beautiful woman swung in, and somehow, kicked the phone out of my hands – forcing me to watch in horror as it smashed into pieces against a solid tree.

    Niko: What the hell?!

    Woman: Technology is a big no-no! And you shall be punished for bringing it here!

    Niko: I don't really give a fuck. Now, if you could point me towards the wheraboutus of a group of unintelligent fuck-wits – that would be helpful!

    Woman: You dare rebel against the Queen of Forest? You are truly an.... exceptional foe...

    She said, eyeing me up like a piece of meat.

    Niko: Look, I am in a kind-of in a relationship, so....

    Queen of Forest: I do not care! You shall marry me, be the king! Rule over the land, rule over me – sexually.

    Niko: Riiight. That's my cue to leave.

    But as soon as I turned round, I was faced with a someone that seemed to not agree with me leaving...



    Niko: Okay, it's seems that in the country side of England – there is a maniac woman who has a pet tiger!

    Queen of Forest: Yes, so my King will never be able to leave me!

    But soon, the tiger's head exploded, with it's blood squirting all over me.

    Queen of Forest: NO! The first Tiger has been killed! Escape! Escape, my love!

    She screamed, as she grabbed her vine and descended into the forest as fast as she could. Thanking the 'mystical' forest, I returned to the task at hand, but not before the saviour came out.

    Shooter: Boom! Headshot!

    I turned round to see a familiar face who had turned up at the right time and the right place.



    Niko: Soña! Thank God you were here! I was afraid – how can I thank you?

    And with that, she raised her eyebrows and took her top off.

    Niko: You have a deal!

    I said, following her 'subtle' hint – and soon it was a fire hazard, as fireworks ignited in the center of the woodland!



    But afterwards, It became apparent I had fallen asleep - and once again – I was left alone, this time naked in a forest. Getting changed, I followed on.



    But it seemed I only got more last, and soon it was sun-down as I bumped into an invisible wall, or tree, or something, and fell flat onto my ass into the mud – ruining my favourite Levi jeans!

    Niko:
    What the hell!

    I screamed, as I tried to brush off as much mud as I can. Soon it was a little more clear what I walked into.



    Perry: Niko, I am so sorry!

    Said Perry the Predator, the man who I once enlisted into defeating Phetrovology, who spoke in his posh accent.

    Perry: I would have never thought that I would see you once more, Darling!

    He said, before hugging me.

    Niko: Yeah same – but what are YOU doing here?

    Perry: Well I live here with my partner – silly – you remember, right?

    Niko:
    Not really. Was it Patricia the Predator-ess?

    Perry: Oh no! I have finally acknowledged who I am Niko – darling – I am in a relationship with 'him'!

    Niko: That guy that was continuously hunting you down? I thought he wanted you dead?

    Perry: I thought that too! But it turned out he really wanted me - in 'bed'. Oooh I am such a saucy b!

    Suddenly, a large Austrian accent cried out from the surrounding woodland.

    Voice: Got to the Dinner!

    Perry: Whoops, looks like that is my cue to go! Hope to see you soon, so we can dish and meet up.

    He said, once again hugging me, before kissing my whole head. He then turned towards the cry of the voice.

    Perry: Coming Dutch, honey!

    He shouted back, before turning in invisible once more and leaving me stranded again.

    Niko: Oh, Dammit! I could have asked for directions!

    And so, I wondered further into what seemed like a endless woodland. With all my energy drained, I callopsed onto a tree, looking into the sky hoping for a massive arrow back to civilisation.

    Niko: How can I get lost in Tim Sherwood?

    Maybe in those magical eyes!

    I said to the ever-darkening sky, waiting for a response that wasn't ever to come. But as my eye lids started to close due to the exhaustion, an egg smashed into my face, and soon I was confronted with another weird character/being.


    Like this one but 1000x bigger!

    Niko: What the fuck is that!?

    I shouted as I saw the huge chicken in front of me.

    Niko: Is Ring-Ring back back from the dead and summoned 'Chickenzirra'?

    But as I laughed at my own genious, the chicken seemed to be more pissed off.

    Chicken: Niko Bergstrom, feel the wraith of my unhatched off spring!

    It said before turning around, shoving it's arse into the direction of my face.

    Niko: Oh no...

    I said, closing my eyes awaiting for my death, but in the most unexpected dues ex machina possible, I heard a large yell from the forest – a yell that had a strong Belgium accent.

    Voice: Not today, poultry!

    I opened my eyes as I saw my new saviour.



    Who grabbed a six-foot tall tree and shoved it into the chicken's arse, which caused it to panic.

    Chicken: No, how can I lay my offspring now?

    As it panicked, the tree started to be pushed out inch-by-inch as it's body expanded. The panic the massive chicken got, the further out the tree inched out and the bigger it's body grew – until the inevitable happened, and a massive chicken created a massive explosion! Covering myself, Van Damme and the surrounding trees in its insides and fulls of exploded eggs, I was left in shock as Van Damme used a tree to light a cigar, before concluding the scene with one line.

    Van Damme: Now that is what Van Damme calls an egg-plosion!

    I shook off my surprise following the death of a massive chicken.

    Niko: Oh My Gawd! Jean-Claude Van Damme killed AMC!
    Van Damme: Jean-Claude Van Damme b - he is not!

    Niko: What? That doesn't make sense!

    Van Damme: Jean-Claude Van Damme not making sense – Van Damme is sense!

    Not wanting to go into another competition, I convinced myself to change the subject to what I actually needed to know.

    Niko: Well, does Van Damme know the way out?

    With that being said, Van Damme grabbed me by my collar, and then jumped into the air over the trees, I soon saw that I was just next to the exit of the woodland, but that didn't stop Van Damme from FLYING to the group of bored players, who all were looking at their phones, dropping me off and flying off into the sunset.

    Annoyed at the amount of times I had to be saved, I remained silent to the comedian football players, who seemed to bond with taking the piss out of their gaffer – which they didn't find that funny as I ordered to individually give foot-jobs to the local Food Addicts Team Battle Against Scandalous Testimonies of Addict Recognition Depart Service of the UK – also know as F.A.T.B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S. Of the UK.

    But, the time to estimate the level of success of the team-bonding task was soon upon us, as we were to face Second Division Leicester City in the Second Round of the Vans Trophy North, and without the sanctions of being allowed to use recently signed players James Hanson and Sam Hutchinson from Yermolai, who had once again gone on another 'Vodka Vacation', I made only one change which was Henderson for the tired O'Toibin, who would be sitting on the bench for the game. Hoping that our impressive home form and support could help give us an advantage, I looked forward to battling horns with Paul Jewell:



    Tuesday 14th January 2014
    English Vans Trophy North Second Round
    Newark v. Leicester

    Spoiler!


    Day after the game, it was time for the North Quarter Final draw:



    Doncaster Rovers – a mid-table team in the division above, an easier challenge then Leicester but still potential for an upset on our part, especially with us playing away to them.

    With the next game being another home game, it was crucial we made the Premier League wannabes see the power at our disposal, as the days grew closer to the date. The opposition and target to be the messenger was Barnet:



    Saturday 18th January 2014
    English Third Division
    Newark v. Barnet

    2-1
    (Hemphill '32, Henderson '67)(Weston '35)
    MoM – F. Hemphill

    Winger magic made a dull day – a good day!

    Hard to break down their defence, but luckily a referee decision went against the away side as their captain Brian Fuller was sent off on the 25th minute, and without the influence of him, allowed a third goal in three games for Hemphill seven minutes later with another powerful free-kick. Barnet came back with Weston three minutes later, a nice header from a Kabba lobbed pass.

    The end of the half was one were there was debate of 'What the fuck was that?' and 'Keep Going!', in which the team response, with only one moment of inspiration as Henderson did a nice half-volley from a Jose Hernandez cross on 67 minutes. The addition of The Eejit from Clayton helped with the defence, making sure no more chances were taken from Barnet – and soon the hallelujah of the final whistle broke the boredom.

    With another three points in the bag, there was only one more home game before hosting West Ham three days later. For the third time in the row, we hosted for the opposition, and with three wins under the belt in a row too – confidence was high!



    Wednesday 22nd January 2014
    English Third Division
    Newark v. Yeovil
    1-0

    (Kowalinho '38)
    Hemphill Injured '73
    MoM – R. Hoolihan

    A cold wet day that drained the team – and drained our preparation for the West Ham game!

    A game with a defensive performance on a scale that was brilliant, with a nice counter resulting with Vasily getting an assist with Kowalinho on 38 minutes. And...

    that was all. The game was over-shadowed as the captain Hemphill was brought down with seventeen minutes gone – resulting in a pulled hamstring, ruling him out, not only of the FA Cup game against West Ham, but for three weeks!

    And for two days, I worked and worked on possible tactics to try and be effective – but nothing seemed to be looking to break down the defences, and without the effective 'captain' and only the young and raw Henderson as the option it seemed to be destined for an epic. But then I came with an outstanding moment of realisation!



    Sitting on the sofa the night before, it hit me!

    Niko: That might actually work!!

    As I searched for paper, I heard a creek from up-stairs, and following my instincts, I cautiously followed the source of the sound up the stair – coming from my bedroom – only finding one thing...



    Niko: A feather?

    I walk up to the feather, trying to reclaim in my mind who it could be snooping for me, then it came to me!

    Niko: Miley Cyrus! The massive chicken was sent by her to finish me off, but how did she get here?

    But as I said that, I heard my closet door creak open – a problem I still needed to fix. I instantly span round only to find a dart flying towards me.



    Niko: You think this motherfu...mother..... will stop me!

    I said, as the enticing darkness intensify within, the closet door fully opened, but my vision was just blurs!

    The exotic mixture disorientated me as I fell to my knees, I crawled over as the voice, which became a low modded voice as every sound echoed, each creak I made as I crawled feeling like hell!

    Voice: How are you still up?

    As the perpetrator said that, another three darts entered my neck. And finally, the strength of the darkness pushed. And......

  25. #350

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    Newark holds First Division West Ham for Replay as Manager is a No-Show!


    Date: Saturday 25th January 2014

    Despite manager Niko Bergstrom not showing up at the stadium, Newark Athletic stepped up and were the better team in their Fourth Round match-up against West Ham.

    The Fearless Warriors, under the temporary management of Assistant Riley Bartley, over came early West Ham chances as Maiga's shot is cleared by defender Jose Hernandez. Chosen captain goal-keeper Shepard, second after normal captain Fraser Hemphill was ruled out after a mid-week showdown against Yeovil, and West Ham captain goal-keeper Craig Gordon were the main men of the night as either team could stop their exceptional saves.

    An advantage was given to the Third Division home side after Alou Diarra was sent off with a second yellow card after twenty-two minutes, which once again wasn't capitalised by the home side.

    A relative poor performance from the defences added more attention towards the attacking displays as each team looked set toe win, but couldn’t break the dead-lock.

    A replay is scheduled on February 12th at Boleyn Ground.

    Newark Athletic
    Team: Shepard (c), Jose Hernandez, Baz (Pim Balkenstein '46), Roddy Hoolihan, Liam, Eddy Wato (Dean Furman '88), Mark Henderson, The Eejit, Lorenzo Zbimg, Kowalinho, Diarmuid O'Toibin
    Substitutes: John Wood, Pim Balkenstein, Dean Furman, Henrik Van der Voom, Terrance Zannit


    West Ham
    Team: Craig Gordon, Joey O'Brien, George McCartney, Jordan Spence, James Collins, Mark Noble, Will Buckley, Alou Diarra (sent off '22), Kevin Nolan, Modibo Maiga, Ravel Morrison
    Substitutes: Guy Demel, Michael Quirke, Alex Grant, Dylan Tombides, Paul McCallum


    Man of the Match: Craig Gordon

    Manager Comments

    Newark Athletic Assitant Manager Riley Bartley: “Of course we are disappointed by the lack of professionalism by Niko, and I think that has disheartened our performance today. The players weren't cocentrated – and because of that we couldn't take advantage of the opportunities we had. Luckily neither could they – and now we can beat them on their on turf, shoving it in their face!”

    West Ham Manager Sam Allardyce: “We were brilliant before the sending off, but due to two displays of idiocy, we wasn't able to get back into the game – especially with the intensity of the home team and support. Hopefully second time around we can show our dominance, and everyone will be focused on the job as team, rather then stupid individual mistakes that will create a negative impact on the game.”

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