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Thread: Jokes (this thread may cause offense)

  1. #301

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    Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit. The bear was taking a shit in the woods when he asked the rabbit if he had problems with shit sticking to its fur. The rabbit said no so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

  2. #302

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    Q: Whats the Difference between kinky and perverted?
    A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriends ass with a feather.
    A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

  3. #303

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    A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

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    A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

  4. #304

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    Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
    A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

  5. #305

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    Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

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    Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
    A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...

  6. #306

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    Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
    A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

  7. #307

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    Drove my car into a fat woman today. I was gonna drive around her but I didn’t have enough gas.

  8. #308

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    Guy walks in to a bar…orders a shot of whiskey…guy sitting at the bar watches him drink the shot, pull out the napkin, climb the stairs to the top of the building, drop the napkin, jump and float to the ground. He walks back in to the bar and does the whole thing again. This time he orders the drink and the guy looking amazed and puzzled asks him how he’s doing it. So the guy says order a shot. So they do the shot. He says grab your napkin and follow me. The guy goes to the top of the building, drops his napkin, jumps and floats right down. He yells up for the guy to do the same…guy drops the napkin and jumps…splat! First guy walks back into the bar, orders another shot. Bartender looks at him and says;”Superman you’re an asshole when you drink!”

  9. #309

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    A babyseal walks into a club....

  10. #310

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    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

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    Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, "I've never came this way before." The second nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones!"

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    A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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    Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"
    Candidate: "Honesty."
    Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
    Candidate: "I don't give a f*ck what you think."

  11. #311

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    A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

  12. #312

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    How do you know when your too drunk to drive?
    When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.

  13. #313

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    I didn't sleep very good last night. So this morning I put pre workout in my coffee... I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my car.

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    If a girl ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

  14. #314

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    Me: Is there a problem officer?
    Cop: You were swerving alot back there
    Me: Well I had 8 beers officer
    Cop: Thats no excuse to let your wife drive

  15. #315

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    I was completely shocked this morning when my doctor told me I was colour blind. It came completely out of the green

  16. #316

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    So I was taking the dog out for a walk early yesterday and as we took our stroll through the cemetery there was this strange looking fella squatting down by one of the gravetsones.

    "Morning" I said.

    "Nope" he replied "I'm having a dump now bugger off"

  17. #317

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    What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
    Sexual harassment.

    What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
    $3.99 a minute.

    Why do husbands die before their wives?
    They want to.

    Why do women have tits?
    So men will talk to them.

    Why do women close their eyes during sex?
    They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

    What is the definition of the perfect woman?
    A deaf and dumb nympho whose father owns a pub.

  18. #318

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    I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
    Fucking b*tch.

    Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because it's hard to have fun when you might shit your pants at any minute.

  19. #319

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    A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled off by how stunningly awesome she and his professionalism goes right through the window.
    He tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thigh, he asks her do you know what I'm doing? Yes she said, checking for abnormalities. He tell her to take off he bra and starts rubbing her boobs,he asks her do you know what I'm doing? Yes, she said checking for cancer. He tells her to take of her underwear and starts having sex. He tells her do you know what I'm doing? She said "Yes getting AIDS

  20. #320

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    Girl: Screw you.
    Me: When?
    Girl: Ugh! Asshole!
    Me: I said when not where.

  21. #321

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    if you cant afford porn just turn on tennis and close your eyes

  22. #322

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    Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favorite sex positions. One of them says, "I think rodeo would have to my favorite". The other one says, "I've never heard of that one, what is it?" So the first guy says, "You sit on your wife's back with your hands on her boobs and say, 'these feel just like your sister's' and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds".

  23. #323

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    Girl: If I was your wife, I would poison your drink
    Man: if I was your husband I would drink it

  24. Quote Originally Posted by Janis89 View Post
    Girl: If I was your wife, I would poison your drink
    Man: if I was your husband I would drink it
    Isn't that just a ripoff of a famous Churchill line?

  25. #325

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    Quote Originally Posted by Craig Forrest View Post
    Isn't that just a ripoff of a famous Churchill line?
    I`m not sure. Could very well be!

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