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Thread: Jokes (this thread may cause offense)

  1. #326

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    oi, why do women wear make up and perfume ?

    'cause they are ugly and they smell....

  2. #327

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    My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Edinburgh zoo.

  3. #328

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    Husband: Honey, do you smell that?
    Wife: No. 

    Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.

  4. #329

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  5. #330

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    Memorable dates in Manchester City's Illustrious History:

    1937: Division 1 Title Winners for the first time, under Wilf Wild
    1956: FA Cup Winners under Les McDowall
    1968: Division 1 Title Winners under Joe Mercer
    1969: FA Cup Winners under Joe Mercer
    1983: Yaya Toure is born
    1984: Yaya Toure's 1st Birthday
    1985: Yaya Toure's 2nd Birthday
    1986: Yaya Toure's 3rd Birthday
    1987: Yaya Toure's 4th Birthday
    1988: Yaya Toure's 5th Birthday
    1989: Yaya Toure's 6th Birthday
    1990: Yaya Toure's 7th Birthday
    1991: Yaya Toure's 8th Birthday
    1992: Yaya Toure's 9th Birthday
    1993: Yaya Toure's 10th Birthday
    1994: Yaya Toure's 11th Birthday
    1995: Yaya Toure's 12th Birthday
    1996: Yaya Toure's 13th Birthday
    1997: Yaya Toure's 14th Birthday
    1998: Yaya Toure's 15th Birthday
    1999: Yaya Toure's 16th Birthday
    2000: Yaya Toure's 17th Birthday
    2001: Yaya Toure's 18th Birthday
    2002: Yaya Toure's 19th Birthday
    2003: Yaya Toure's 20th Birthday
    2004: Yaya Toure's 21st Birthday
    2005: Yaya Toure's 22nd Birthday
    2006: Yaya Toure's 23rd Birthday
    2007: Yaya Toure's 24th Birthday
    2008: Yaya Toure's 25th Birthday
    2009: Yaya Toure's 26th Birthday
    2010: Yaya Toure's 27th Birthday
    2011: Yaya Toure's 28th Birthday; FA Cup Winners under Roberto Mancini
    2012: Yaya Toure's 29th Birthday; Premier League Champions under Roberto Mancini
    2013: Yaya Toure's 30th Birthday
    2014: Yaya Toure's 31st Birthday; Premier League Champions under Manuel Pellegrini

  6. #331

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    Why don't women know how to ski?
    Because it doesn't snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.

    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
    Nothing, you already told her twice.

    What do you call a woman with one black eye?
    A quick learner.

  7. #332

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    How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling

  8. I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

    One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

    So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

    And that's the last thing I remember.

  9. #334

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    FOR SALE
    Brazil football shirt.
    Will trade for a Rolf Harris shirt.

    - - - Updated - - -

    The Chairman of PSG is offering a substantial reward to anyone that can find the receipt for David Luiz.

  10. #335

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    What do they do with the bikes after the Tour De France. They recycle them of course

  11. #336

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    My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

    After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

  12. #337

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    Rolf Harris has been spat on in prison.

    I've watched enough porn to know what happens next......

  13. #338

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    I've just bought a Malaysian airlines model plane kit..

    When I opened the box and saw all the pieces, I thought "Great, some cunt's already done it".


















    Too soon?

  14. #339

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    A Yank gets off the plane in Blackpool and gets into a cab, he gives the taxi driver the hotel name and off they set.. about a mile into the journey the Yank asks "whats that", the taxi driver replies, "thats the pepsi big-one, biggest roller-coaster in England, built in 1996 in 6 months costing 20 million, the yank replies...." we have one twice as big as that at home, only took 3 months to build and cost 40 million".

    200 yards down the prom and the Yank again asks "whats that", the taxi driver again advises "Thats the south pier, largest pier in Europe, built in 1899 at a cost of 5 million in just under 12 months", the Yank replies...."we have one twice as long as that at home, only took 6 months to build and cost 10 million".

    200 yards further down the prom the Yank spots Blackpool tower, he asks "wow whats that"

    "Fuck knows" said the taxi driver, "wasnt there this morning."

  15. #340

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    I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter.
    I can't understand why the Americans are so upset.
    All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911."
    However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.

  16. #341

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    Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who's retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League.

    - - - Updated - - -

    When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

  17. #342

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    A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

    "Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

    "Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."

  18. #343

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    What do you call a woman with big tits who doesn't make sandwiches?

    A compromise.

  19. #344

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    To be fair, Southampton aren't the first people to come back from a Summer break to find their valuables were taken by someone from Liverpool...

  20. #345

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    A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
    One of them goes an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal".
    The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan".
    Years later, Juan sends a picture to to his birth mother.
    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she had a picture of Ahmal.
    Her husband responds, "They're twins, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal"

  21. That's terrible......

  22. #347

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  23. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

  24. #349

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    So, a dyslectic man walked into a bra.

  25. #350

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    The inventor of predictive text has died.

    His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

    - - - Updated - - -

    My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

    I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."

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