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Thread: Jokes (this thread may cause offense)

  1. #376

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    I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop, "Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.

    "Fuck off" he shouted back.

    "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk

  2. #377

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    Mother prepares little ISIS boy for the school,and tells him...
    You should activate yourself little bit more!


  3. #379

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    Why did the blind lady fall into the well?

    Because... she couldn't see that well.

  4. What rings twice, then screams?

    Spoiler!

  5. #381

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    ISIS member capture little boy...
    Do u afraid of my long black beard?
    Yes,mister...
    Do u afraid of my evil eyes?
    Yes,mister...
    Do u afraid of this big,sharp knife?
    Yes,mister...
    Don't u be afraid of it,i have a smaller one for u...

  6. #382

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    "Take me back to your place and fuck me up the arse!" Some fat girl demanded last night.
    "I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said.
    "Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked.
    "Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow."

  7. #383

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  8. #384

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    Woman: "I'm bored. Lets see what my options are...
    I can call someone and have a nice chat, or
    I can go to the gym, or
    I can go for a nice stroll in the park, or
    I can do some shopping, or
    I can read a lovely romantic novel, or..."

    Man: "I'm bored... Wank it is then."

  9. #385

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    A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

    The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

    Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

    After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazillion?"

  10. #386

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    A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

    The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

    The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

    The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

  11. #387

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    I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla

  12. #388

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    What is worse than ISIS ?


  13. #389

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    I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
    So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
    Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
    I said, "200 and it's yours."


    Wife comes home early and catches hubby in the kitchen having a wank. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life, afterwards he says ... We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this.... Why?? She answers - i only washed the floor this morning id rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again!!


    Rectum Stretcher - Priceless
    While I was driving down the motorway the other day,
    (going a little faster than I should have been)
    I passed under a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun lying in wait.
    The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:
    "Runway too short?"
    To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
    To which he asked, "What do you do?"
    "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
    The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
    "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
    Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
    To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
    Speeding ticket: 105.00
    Court costs: 45
    Look on copper's face: Priceless.

  14. #390

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    Teacher : what is your parents name ??

    Boy: my dad's name is laughing and my mom's name is smiling

    Teacher: you must be kidding

    Boy:. Nope, I am joking

  15. #391

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    Go to O'Reillys Auto Parts website and type 121G into the search box

  16. #392

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    That is awesome!

  17. #393

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    Why did the sperm cross the road?

    Because Dave put the wrong sock on this morning!

  18. #394

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    A pregnant woman got shot 3 times and recovered, but the bullets were never found. Later she had triplets, two girls and one boy.

    Many years later, the first girl came up to her mom and told about how she peed out a bullet.

    The next day the second came up and the mother said, "Lemme guess, you peed out a bullet too." She was right.

    The next day her young boy came up to his mom and says, "Mom, I'm so ashamed of what just happened" The mother replied, "Aw, honey, it's alright, your sisters peed out a bullet too, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

    "No, that's not it" he said. "I was having a wank, and I think I shot the dog"

  19. #395

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    Teacher: Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?

    Billy: My dad has been painting the fences all week, it's taking the contagious.

  20. #396

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    What do Monaghan and pregnants cow have in common? They're both close to Cavan

  21. #397

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    I think that joke may be lost on the majority of this audience Dermo

  22. #398

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  23. #399

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    Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were.
    While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
    "Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
    "Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
    "Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates 1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
    Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive.
    "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."

  24. #400

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    Paddy is doing really well on Who Want's to be a Millionaire. He's got 125,000 with three lifelines left.
    Chris says, "OK paddy, for 250,000 which one of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers? Was it A) Ronnie Biggs B) Ronnie O'Sullivan C) Ronnie Corbett D) Ronnie Wood. Take your time."
    Paddy says, "I'll take the money Chris."
    Chris replies, "Are you sure paddy, you've still got three lifelines left?"
    Paddy says, "I'm sure Chris, I'll take the money."
    Chris replies, "OK audience, give paddy a big round of applause, but before you go paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer?"
    Paddy says, "I already know the answer Chris."
    Chris replies, "You know the answer? You just turned down a quarter of a Million quid, are you mad, are you mental?"
    Paddy says, "I may be Mental Chris, but I'm no fuckin' grass!

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