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Thread: Jokes (this thread may cause offense)

  1. #426

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    A few jokes from Bruce on Broadway.

    "Now i've never held an honest job my entire life! I've never worked 9 to 5! I've never worked five days a week until right now!"

    "I don't like it."

    "And his face was red, and like, distorted or something. You see my dad was Irish, and whatever he drank went straight to his face. And he look down at me as if to say "I've never seen you before in my f****ng life."

    "We rolled outside it's doors and I was told by my mother, "Go and get your dad". This both scared and excited me. Scared because the bar was my dad's home away from home, he was not to be disturbed when he was down at the bar! But it thrilled me because my mother, the law, had let me go into the BAR!"

    "Now I hated getting up for school. That's just Rockstar 101. And my mother would come into my bedroom with a glass of ice water and count down from thirty..... three two one and BOOOOOM! Niagra falls....."

    "So we set off for San Fran, a station wagon full of drivers and a van with all our instruments. Now it just so happened to be that we lost the station wagon and it's drivers, in Nashville Tennessee. Now we had no cellular phones. Young people take note. Now imagine in a world with no cellular phone a bunch of people get lost. Well there f*cking lost."

    "We'd gone 1000 miles and Tink's eyes glass over and he says "I'm fried. It's your turn." I said "Tink i can't drive." He said "Springsteen there's nothing to it. Idiots all over the world are doing it." So he showed me how to do it and he got it into first gear. "Now let's switch seats." I could keep it between the lines in 2nd, 3rd and 4th gear but if I had to stop I had to wake up Mr. West. But that didn't matter because the guy who can't drive is driving! And by that I mean the man who would shortly after write "Racing in the Street"........... but I managed to do it, without killing anybody!"

  2. #427

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    Great innovations from Dick Smith.

    The Waterproof Towel
    Glow in the Dark Sunglasses!
    The Solar Powered Flashlight!
    Submarine Fly Screen Door!
    How to Read for Dummies!
    Inflatable Dart Board!
    The Dictionary Index!
    Powdered water!
    Pedal Powered Wheel Chair
    Waterproof Tea Bags
    Zero proof alcohol
    Reusable ice cubes
    Skinless bananas
    Do it Yourself Roadmap Kit

  3. #428

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    Dear son,

    I am writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most car accidents occur 20km from home so we moved.

    I can't send you the address, as the previous family took the house numbers as they left so that they wouldn't have to change the address.

    The place is nice, it even has a washing machine. I don't know how well it works though. Only last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

    The weather isn't too bad either. It only rained twice last week, the first time it rained for 3 days and the second time for four days.

    That coat we wanted to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be too heavy to send by mail, so we cut off the buttons and put them in the pockets.

    We got another bill from the funeral home, they said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. Bert locked his keys in the car yesterday. We became worried because it took 2 hours to get John and I out.

    Your sister had a baby last friday, but I don't know if I'll be an aunt or an uncle. If it's a boy, she'll name it after me. She sent me a birth certificate by fax machine with the baby name "Dad" on it. How cute!

    Uncle Boris fell in a vat of vodka whilst on holiday in Russia. A guy tried to pull him out be Boris fought him off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for 3 whole days.

    3 of your friends went off a bridge in their ute last week. Darren was driving but he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down

    Not much has happened really, hope you're doing well.

    P.S - I tried to send you some spending money but the envelope was already sealed.

    Love,
    Dr. Sum Ting Wong

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  5. #429

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    An aged care home was holding it's traditional Sunday religious program on an old TV, and Jimmy Swaggart enters a small stage. He told the audience that Jesus was a man of miracles, and that today we would have some of our personal problems fixed. He wanted them to cover the body part they wanted fixed first.

    The folks watching the show were getting on, so most covered hearts, lungs, stomachs. One little old lady had her hand on her heart and when she looked at her husband she was slightly shocked to find her husband had covered his crotch.

    She blurted out, "He said Jesus was going to heal the sick first, not raise the dead!"

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  7. #430

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    A man who had recently joined the army was on the phone with his dad.

    "I went for a skydiving trip yesterday, but was hesitant to go. The instructor made things worse by saying if I didn't jump he would send his 12 incher up where the sun doesn't shine!"

    "Did you jump?"

    "A little at first."

  8. #431

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    How can Arsenal get into the Champions League?

    Use wibwob on CM0102.

    James Milner was struck in the face by a Dejan Lovren clearance last year in the UCL. Milner asked Klopp how to get rid of the Champions League logo embossed on his face, to which Klopp replied.

    "Let it apply for the Arsenal job and it will go away, BOOM!"

  9. #432
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    I'm looking in the newspaper and I see an ad "Anita, for all your sexual problems".

    So I give her a call and explain to her: "Well this and that, but I'm like an infant down there". She says: "Come over, that's not a problem".

    I gather all my courage and go there. When I ring the doorbell a women answers and I ask: "Are you Anita". She says: "Yes, that's me". I reply: "I think I'm not going to go through with this, because I'm like an infant down there". She responds: "No come on, you have no idea what I've seen in my life so come inside".

    So I go inside and she asks me to undress. So I undress myself, she takes a look and immidiately goes: "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?". So I respond: "I told you, I'm like an infant down there: 19 inches and 7 pounds!"
    Go check out my YouTube channel with lots of CM 01-02 related video's!

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  11. #433

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    Scene: a New York skyscraper


    There's a bar on the top floor. One day a man enters the bar, approaches the counter and orders a beer. Next to him there's a man drinking a Bloody Mary. He takes his Bloody Mary, whacks it against the counter, says "wohoo!", pours it down and moves towards the window.


    "Today's a great day for flying" he says, opens the window and jumps out. "What the..." says the other guy, still in the bar. Before he can say anything else the elevator says "ding" and the guy who just jumped out the window enters the bar.


    "What the f just happened?!" says the one who witnessed this miracle.


    "I'll tell ya" the guy says, "if you lift this magical Bloody Mary, whack it against the counter and shout "wohoo!" - it will make you fly!"


    "Well, I just witnessed you doing it, I have to try this!" the man says. So he follows the instructions; orders a Bloody Mary, whacks it against the counter, shouts "wohoo!", pours it down, jumps out the window and smack into the ground - instant death.


    The guy in the bar chuckles and orders a beer. The bartender then says "dammit Superman, you're one mean son of a bitch when you're drunk, you know that?"

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  13. #434

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    How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
    Nail itís other hand to the floor

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  15. #435

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    I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop whenever he wants.

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  17. #436

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    How can Arsenal get into the UCL next season?

    Using wibwob

  18. #437

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    The difference between a fiction and non fiction writer.

    One says "I think Real are going to win the Champions League again this season"

    Another says "Mate pigs would fly over the Harbour Bridge before they win that damned thing again!"

  19. #438

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    Man at World Cup 2018.

    "Darling, can you get a few pain killers and a mid-strength beer, Neymar just had another seizure!"

  20. #439

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    If two vegans are fighting, is it known as beef?

    How do I know if my blue cheese has gone off?

  21. #440

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    An American, an Englishman, and an Australian are discussing which of their football codes is the toughest.

    The American says "We've got this guy Tom Brady playing quarterback. One game Tom was sacked so hard, his stomach split open and his guts fell out all over the ground. Fortunately, there was a world class surgeon in the stands who scooped up the guts, shoved them back in, sewed Brady up, and got him back out there. Brady went on to make two more touchdown passes and won the game for his team. That's how tough American footballers are."

    The Englishman says "Well we've got this player named Harry Kane, and during one match Harry rose up and headed the ball so hard, his forehead split open and his brains tumbled out on to the pitch. Fortunately, there was a world class neurosurgeon in the stands who picked up the brains, popped them back into Harry's head, sewed him up and got him back out here. Harry went on to play the rest of the match and scored the winner. That's how tough English footballers are."

    The Australian says "Well we've got this man named Sam Newman, who has no guts and no brains, and still managed to play 300 games for Geelong. That's how tough Australian footballers are!"

    Liverpool have just signed a little known Afghan prodigy named Abdul to their youth squad, but by the time their biggest match of the season against Man United comes around many of Liverpool's first squad are either injured or suspended. So to make up the numbers for his bench the Liverpool manager calls up Abdul, hoping he won't have to use him.

    Liverpool are 3-0 down to United at half time and so with nothing left to lose Abdul is given his debut.

    Abdul turns out to be a revelation, scoring four goals and turing the game on its head. Liverpool win 4-3 and Abdul is suddenly the toast of the town.

    As soon as he gets back to the locker room, still brimming with the excitement of his remarkable performance Abdul calls his mum who is back at home to tell her the good news.

    "Mom, Mom! You're never gonna believe this but I scored four goals on my debut and we beat United. Everyone loves me, the media, the fans, even the United fans gave me a standing ovation!"

    "That's so wonderful son, I'm really proud of you", his mum replied.

    "Thanks mum, so how's everything back home?" Abdul asked.

    "Oh not well really, your father was beaten to death in the street, your sisters were assaulted and raped, and our house was looted and burned to the ground", his mum replied stoically.

    Adbul, shocked and upset at this horrifying news didn't really know what to say, "I'm so sorry Mum, I don't what to say, but I'm really sorry".

    "You're sorry!!??" his Mum yells back, "It's your fucking fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place".

    Man United had just signed a new striker from Nigeria.

    On his first day of training, Fergie picked up the ball and said 'BALL' then pointed at the goal and said 'Goal'. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'Kick', 'Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!'

    Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson, but I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies: 'Sit down son, I'm talking to Rooney.'

    I was playing CM on my PC when I was offered the Ireland job.

    I knew it was a s*** squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

    I then put the phone down and got back to CM.
    Last edited by jacobclear; 08-04-19 at 02:04 PM.

  22. #441

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    A dumb blond is driving down the freeway when she sees a sign " Clean restrooms next 10 miles"
    By the time she had driven 10 miles she had cleaned 275 restrooms

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  24. #442

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    A dumb blond steps off the footpath right in front of a car comming around the corner and the car hits her.
    The driver rushes over and while holding the blond`s head says " Im really sorry, you stepped out right in front of me.I didnt have time to stop.
    The blond says " my eyes, I cant see"
    So the driver holds up two fingers and says" how many fingers have I got up "
    To which the dumb blond replies " Oh no, Im paralised from the waist down as well"

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