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Thread: Jokes (this thread may cause offense)

  1. #26
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    My wife told me that she is sick to death of me waltzing in at 3am every weekend.

    So when i came this morning i did the tango instead.

  2. #27
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    My home-made nuclear bomb failed to detonate earlier...

    Oh well... It's not the end of the world.

  3. #28
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    Mr Di Matteo, what are your tactics for the Benfica tie?

    Not sure, Terry hasn't told me yet

  4. #29
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    I felt shit this morning...... Thats the Last time I buy Tescos own brand toilet roll.

  5. #30
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    How many alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    To get to the other side.

  6. #31
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    My wife's away tonight so i've organised an orgy.

    Or, a sleepover as my daughter calls it

  7. #32
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    My sons Headmaster rang me today and said, "I thought you should know, Johnny constantly swears in his lessons. And we're not prepared to put up with it any longer."

    I said, "The little cunt gets it from his fucking mother."

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  9. #33
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  10. #34
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    A guy notices a gorgeous woman giving him the eye in the supermarket."Do I know you ?" he asks. "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?" she says.He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithfull and asks , "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table in 2006 , while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery whilst shoving that massive cucumber up my arse?"She stairs at him and says "No , i'm your daughters teacher"

  11. #35
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    Defense Attorney:
    Will you please state your age?

    Old Lady:
    I am 94 years old.

    Defense Attorney:
    Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

    Old Lady:
    There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you know him?

    Old Lady:
    No, but he sure was friendly.

    Defense Attorney:
    What happened after he sat down?

    Old Lady:
    He started to rub my thigh.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him?

    Old Lady:
    No, I didn't stop him.

    Defense Attorney:
    Why not?

    Little Old Lady:
    It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

    Defense Attorney: What happened next?

    Old Lady:
    He began to rub all over of my body.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him then?

    Old Lady:
    No, I did not stop him.

    Defense Attorney:
    Why not?

    Old Lady:
    His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

    Defense Attorney:
    What happened next?

    Old Lady:
    Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

    Defense Attorney:
    Did he take you?

    Old Lady:
    Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's why I shot him, the little bastard.

  12. #36
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    I filled up the car with petrol then headed into pay with a giant condom on my head. "What on earth are you doing sir." Asked the cashier. "Oh this." I replied pointing to the condom, "My mum always told me to make sure I wear one while I'm being fucked."

  13. #37
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    What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

    They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

  14. #38
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    A family take Granny to a nursing home. The nurses sit her in a chair by the window. She slowly starts to lean over to one side. Two attentive nurses straighten her up. She starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. The family arrive and ask "Are they treating you alright?", "Its pretty nice" Granny replies, "except the bastards won't let you fart!"

  15. #39
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    WOMENS LONELY HEARTS ADS
    What they really mean:

    ADVENTUROUS = Slut
    ATHLETIC = No tits
    30 SOMETHING = 41
    FUN = Annoying
    WILD = Gets pissed easily
    BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog
    SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a fucking nutter
    NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny
    HEADSTRONG = Argumentative
    ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic
    CURVY = Fat bitch
    CUDDLY = Fat bitch
    LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat bitch
    LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat bitch

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  17. #40
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    What's the difference between a brick and a ginger?

    The brick gets laid.

  18. #41
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    What's the difference between football and a ginger?

    Football has a soul.

  19. #42
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    My girlfriend can't stand the sight of me and wants to split up.

    But I insist on staying with her siamese twin.

  20. #43
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    Today I joined The Pessimists Society.

    Where we all agree to disagree.

  21. #44
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    Rihanna: "Chains and whips exite me"

    Somehow I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

  22. #45
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    "Which?" are giving out Katie Price's new book about her son for free..

    Ironically it's titled "How To Grow Your Own Vegetable"

  23. #46
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    Hey Guys ! Hitler on Tv

    - which canal ?

    National Geographic



    .....
    i made it myslef

  24. #47
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    and i dont get it

  25. #48
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  26. #49
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    come on , this joke is for intelligent peoples

  27. #50
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    canal? do you mean Channel or cable?

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