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Thread: Jokes (this thread may cause offense)

  1. #176

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    One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.

    ICU baby, shaking that ass.

  2. #177

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    It's predicted that by 2025, at any given time, you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.

  3. #178

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    "I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.

    "And I love you tons." I replied.

    "What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.


    Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.

  4. #179

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  5. #180

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    I said, "Gran, I think this milk is off." She said, "Well, it's been along time since anyone sucked my tits."

  6. #181

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  7. #182
    ebfatz is offline Social Media Bod
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    362 days until Christmas and people have got their decorations up already!
    Crazy!!

  8. #183

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    A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

    HUSBAND WANTED!
    MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
    MUST NOT BEAT ME,
    MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
    AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
    ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
    ...
    On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

    The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

    She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

    Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

    She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

  9. #184
    ebfatz is offline Social Media Bod
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    BREAKING NEWS: Gareth Bale wins the Fallon D'Floor 2013 award, with Luis Suarez runner-up and Sergio Busquets in third place.

  10. #185

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    Lionel Messi has won the Ballon d'Or yet again.

    Meanwhile, Gareth Bale has collected the Fallon d'Floor award.

    And Wayne Rooney won call on de whore!

  11. #186

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    Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted.
    I woke up next to a fat chick who was snoring and farting.
    At least I got home OK!!

    The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie
    last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

    I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could
    spell disaster.

    My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault.
    I should have taken them off.

    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
    Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
    going to commit suicide yesterday.
    But strangely enough …. once she killed herself I started to feel a lot
    better. So I thought, "F**k it"…. soldier on.

    I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong.
    I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
    breathing!I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.
    Then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10.30.

  12. #187

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    I have sex daily...

    I mean dyslexia.

  13. #188

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    An anagram of "Stewart Downing" is "Reds twat on wing" haha!

  14. #189

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    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
    She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
    coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
    The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
    The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
    "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
    The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
    "I remember that too", she replies softly.
    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

  15. #190

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    Tesco burgers - low in fat but high in shergar!

    But dont eat too many or you may get the Trotts

    Hamburgers is an anagram of Shergar bum

    Tesco Burgers Mare for your money

    Just checked the ones in my freezer ... And they're off !

  16. #191
    ebfatz is offline Social Media Bod
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    I'm just about to pop out and give the burger a gallop before it gets too dark.

  17. #192

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    I was in Asda earlier, this thick fucking chav bitch was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.

    "1.03 please"

    "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a 20 note.
    ...
    "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out 18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.

    "I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied...she didn't get it so I thought fuck it, I'll pay by card.

    "Shall I pay by card?" I asked.

    "Don't do me no favours," she snapped.

    I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.

    "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically.

    I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, 18.97 please."

  18. #193

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    Tesco have recalled 10,000 pairs of leggings due to traces of camel toe

  19. #194

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    Gerard Piques girlfriend (Shakira) is close to giving birth. No one has yet realized that this time 9 months ago Chelsea played at Barcelona in the champions league. the same game Terry got send off...

  20. #195

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    i phoned a Chinese restaurant last night and the man said,"Hello, I'm Wan King the chef:L" I said,"No worries, I'll call back later"
    Long live 00/01 Happy 20th Birthday 00/01




  21. #196

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    A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

    Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
    Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
    Hand Job: $10.00

    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

    "Yes?" she said with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

    "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

    "Yes", she purrs, "I am."

    The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

  22. #197

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    A guy thought his wife was cheating on him So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
    The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
    The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
    A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
    The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
    The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
    The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

  23. #198

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    The Pope has proved his credentials as a good Catholic - by pulling out before finishing the job.

  24. #199

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    The Pope resigns over a mafia threat.

    Woke up next to a Findus Lasagne.
    Long live 00/01 Happy 20th Birthday 00/01




  25. #200

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    My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I booked two tickets for the Grand National.

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